Picking up and dropping off children

[mozar]

I don't have kids yet,

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

I haven't actually worked since my toddlers were born, but I'm currently looking for a job. I do not think that having a job 45 minutes away is compatible with being the pick-up parent. Just isn't.  Fortunately, you have a lot of time to see if you can work out a better arrangement (working closer to home, living closer to work, swing-shift to beat rush hour, etc.).

Does this job pay a lot more money that you really need? If you are thinking of having kids, that seems like a bad time to give up flexibility!

As far as your closing time problem, when my sister was in high school she worked at a day care center. She used to drive this one kid home and stay with him another half-hour until his mom got home. Some centers flat-out forbid that, but it wouldn't necessarily have to be an employee of the center--a babysitter could pick up Junior and take the little one home while you were still on the train. If it came to that.

[mozar]

I don't want to stay in my current job because it's a dead end job and my skills are stagnating. And there are talks of downsizing in two to three years. Also taking this new job would allow me to FIRE in 11 years rather than 15.

I understand there will be sacrifices one way or another, I was wondering what people who are working actually do.

[merci001]

Your post makes me wonder if you are married and planning kids or single and planning kids.

I'm a single parent with two kids (age 10 and soon to be 14). I adopted both my kids as a single parent and I have always been the only parent. When I adopted my first child, I worried a lot about how I was going to get us out the door in the AM and get us home in the PM, among other things. I worried even more when I decided to bring my second child home. All I can tell you is that really, it all works out. It is smart to start thinking about some of these things  in advance of brining your little one home. And it's not a bad idea at all to be checking on different daycare situations like you are currently doing. But you can only plan so much-when reality hits-having kids has a way of turning your life upside down, inside out and every which way but loose! Said very lovingly, of course! But you will figure it out because you will do whatever you need to do.

I will say daycare can be one of the most stressful things about parenting. That said, I've always managed to find daycare/preschool/school situations that have worked well for us.  Once you start the whole daycare thing you will likely find yourself forming relationships with other parents because of your kids. In fact, some of my now closest friends are people I've met through my kids through the daycare, preschool and school years and we've all helped each other out in a pinch. I've been asked by my friends to pick up their kids from daycare/school when they had a conflict/emergency and I've asked them to pick up my kids for the same reason. It takes a village no matter if you are a single parent family or a two parent family.  I've been fortunate to have been surrounded by a pretty good support system of family and friends.

I will say one of the things that have enabled me to do this single parent thing successfully (at least I hope I'm doing it successfully. If not, my kids can work it out in therapy when they are older!) is that my workplace has been very family friendly-almost all of my coworkers are parents in one stage or another-so there tends to be alot of understanding when it comes to parenting and everything it entails. And that counts for a lot, so it's something you might really want to think about when considering a new job offer. 

[merci001]

"I was wondering what people who are working actually do."

I will add to my previous long winded post...I will say I've had two jobs since becoming a single parent (both family friendly). That said, my current job occassionally has me staying a little later than expected. I'm a nurse practitioner in a hosp based clinic and occassionally that last pt of the day is complicated, requiring the million dollar work-up and possibly hospitalization. When that happens I don't alway get out on time. I started this job almost 3 yrs ago and it was my first job as a provider, so that first year was really hell with a very high learning curve. I was often staying late and it was really upsetting for my youngest, who likes a lot of structure and did not like me picking her up later than she was used to. I finally solved this by hiring a sitter who picks up my daughter after school at 4 pm and stays til 6pm. That decision relieve alot of stress for both of us.  I can usually leave work by about 5pm so am almost always home before 6, but on the rare occassion I've had to come home a little later, my sitter will stay til I get home. I think the latest I've ever gotten home was one time at about 6:45 and that was early on in my job. My sitter is also working for me full time this summer. Not cheap but worth it for me. Will admit-I can't wait to be able to stop paying for child care!  Hope that helps.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

Two other options, besides the backup babysitter I mentioned, that you might look into when the time comes are home-based daycares and nanny share. My older son used to go to a home daycare that offered very extended hours (I think some kids even spent the night) and I was chatting with a lady the other day who uses nanny share and apparently it's surprisingly economical ($15/hr for three kids, so her share is only $5/hr. Center care, in my experience, is similar or higher). But as the time gets closer, you will have a better idea of what your day is really like and how friendly the workplace is to people who NEED to leave early--whether that's to pick up their kids or, for instance, to get to an evening class.

I will say that I think you're on the right track with looking near your house rather than near work. You might want to take a day off work to go to the doctor, for instance, in which case both you AND kiddo will be happier if s/he's at daycare rather than destroying some Goldfish crackers in the stroller in the waiting room.

If it's even remotely feasible and sounds at all appealing, you might also want to toy with the idea of taking a year leave of absence after child arrives, if we're talking newborn. In my experience, care for child under a year is often noticeably more expensive, plus it's so much harder to get a baby ready for daycare (bottles, pacifier, etc.)--my younger son started part-time care at seven months (I was doing an internship for my degree program) and the pumping and the formula drove me bonkers.

Hope you find everything falling into place!

[Roses]

I'm not in this situation but I've noticed that all the kids at my son's school who have two working parents or a single parent have nannies or sitter pick them up.  Sometimes one parent does drop off.  A couple of families have au pairs living with them who function sort of as a parent in the sense that they come to our school meetings, volunteer, etc.  Some people also do nanny shares or have other parents take their kid home a few times a week until the parent gets home (I understand they sometimes pay that family a little or reciprocate by watching their kids on the weekend).  I think there are lots of options.  However, I will say that 6:30AM to 6:30PM is a really long time to leave a child at daycare or after school care.  The families that I know who do that complain that all the time they have with their children is a rushed dinner and bed time in the space of a couple hours.  Maybe by the time you're in that situation you could try to work out a remote work arrangement at least a couple days a week.

[imustachemystash]

Last school year I worked 3 days a week and on those days my husband would drop my son off at daycare at 8am and I would pick him up at 5pm.  My younger son was at his grandparents on those three days.  It was really really hard on my older son to be gone for that long.  He is a sensitive soul.  I decided next school year to work 4 days a week but for shorter hours on those days (9:30 -2:30).  I work at a school and some of my students have complained to me about how they hate going to daycare after school, and I really didn't want to put my own kids in that position.  You have time to figure things out.  If I were you I would look for a job that is flexible, or save a lot of money so either you or your husband could go down to part time.

[Goldielocks]

First off, 2 to 3 years is a long time. I typically change what my role is, even if I have the same company and title every two years.  You could end up able to work at a new office close to home, move closer, or work from home...or get flex time. Or even switch employers in 18 months.

My advice is to focus on delivering a charge ahead career now, to increase your life long salaries, and your MMM muscles, and worry about the rest when you are actively trying to get pregnant or adopt or whatever.  Don't back off work two years before you are pregnant.

45 minutes is a long commute. What about moving closer and saving transportation? I have 1 hr commute and it is not worth it except I only go to office half the time now. 

Lastly, what to do for kid pickup? Your actual question...  Well,  45 min away is darn hard.  Your job is very short changed, for at least one of the parents.  You need to have tight leave work by times and/or take turns with pick up and drop off.   You need to pick up a sick kid with minimal notice.  School and daycare want them out of there in less than 45minutes.

 I had a live in nanny as well as all the other options you described.  All have good points, but...I think if you have a long work day out of the home, kids do best with full time consistent care without the hard pick up deadline, in their own home is best or a home- like environment when they are small.    Relatives or nanny are best for this.  Nannies can be shared if you only have one kid.     FYI my nanny cost $1500 per month, $1200 after living costs, and was similar to two young kids in daycare.  I was sad when she moved on after 1 yr.  Friends I asked used grandparents to cover their 60 hr work and commute weeks.

[Pinkie Mustache]

Like the above post said, 2-3 years is a long while off, so take whatever great job opps come your way now while you can!  All three of my kids started going to daycare within the first year they were born, and daycare opened at 7 or 7:30 depending on the place, and ran till 4 with an option of extending the day if needed.  Two of our kids loved it and had absolutely no problems, one had a hard time adjusting.  As long as they're in a place where you think they are being well taken care of, it's just relative for the child - that's the life they know, especially when they're so young. (Also, don't even worry about what you might have to deal with when child hits elementary school - you're thinking of 5 years ahead, at least.) 

When they get older, you can work out carpools and maybe trading off afternoons with other working parents where one kid goes to a friend one afternoon, etc.  Other working parents will be a great help - you're all in the same boat, so don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  Parents who have been in the whirlwind between work and family appreciate the situation and will be happy to give someone else a break when they can.  Everyone has been in that tough spot when you have to be at an early or late meeting and you need to dump your kid/s somewhere so you can be off to work. 

And if grandparents are local, let them help too!

[mrsggrowsveg]

We are a two parent working household but my husband travels M-F so I handle drop offs and pick ups.  Did you say that the daycare was near your work?  I am currently 25 minutes from my work, so I chose a daycare closer to work than home so that it would be easier to pick him up if he ever needed to go to an appointment or became ill.  You could get a nanny, but that could be very expensive with overtime because of your commute time and hours.  Some at home daycares will pick up your child from school or preschool to accommodate working schedules so that may be a great option.  It can be really hard to coordinate the working parent life.  I am really lucky to have my parents and sister who can all help me out.  My parents pick up my son in the afternoon on days I need to run errands or work late.

[mozar]

Thanks everybody. I am reading and re-reading all of your responses.

[vivian]

We are a two-income family with a two year old whose been in daycare since he was 4 months old. I wouldn't push off having a kid due to worries about handling the pick up/drop off and a new job. There is never a "perfect" time to have a child-just do it when you are emotionally and basically financially ready. I also wouldn't worry about elementary school yet-it's a long ways away if you don't even have a baby yet. Who knows what type of after school care might be in place then.

I would recommend having daycare near your work. That will make daily drop off and pick up much easier. A 45 commute is a pain and also adds a big amount of uncertainty. What about days there is major traffic and 45 minutes turns into longer? That ride home will be less stressful if the kid is in your car than if you are worried about making pick up on time. Plus if something happens to the kid and you need to pick him/her up, you want to get there asap--not be 45 minutes away. If you have a flexible work place, you might even be able to stop by during lunch to visit. I did this during my son's first year and would still do it except he is at the stage where he doesn't want me to leave once I arrive.

As for doctor's appointments and other days you have an odd schedule, I try to take the whole day off (or afternoon if his appointment is later in the day) for my son's doctors appointments. He gets upset and wants extra cuddle time. So I don't have to worry about commute times on those days. I have my own doctors, dentists, etc closer to my work for convenience for stepping out for a checkup anyway. But I only have a 10 minute commute.

[Goldielocks]

I'll keep my eyes open about how people are treated if they need to leave early.

A couple of more thoughts.   We treat parents who need a 8:30-4:30 hard start / stop times at work very well, always understanding, happy and appreciative of their efforts.  We like having them work on our teams and totally understand that they have dual commitments for 5 years or so.  Many of us are parents and we do understand.

   We just don't promote them or give them really great assignments to lead until they have a lot more flexibility in their work.  You would not realize it unless you are in a management position, looking down at who to promote, and it becomes obvious what happens.   

Think of it this way -- if you can turn this into a truly terrific job, work hard, and depending on where you live, you may be able to afford a nanny share (or top notch daycare near work) which gives you a lot of reassurance and flexibility... and then you have a child, challenging engaging work, and the help you need.

I could push back having a kid to 3 1/2 years, but at that point I might start to run into fertility issues.

Don't put off having a kid for work reasons alone!

Definitely try to have a child when you are ready.  Finances will rarely be ready...  My point is more that I wouldn't shortchange the impact of getting really great work, even if just a "sure thing" for two years.   Take it easy on yourself about future, and you will be amazed at how it all works out.

[mozar]

That sucks about not promoting parents, or giving them great assignments.

[MayDay]

I think doing it alone while working/commuting 60 hours a week will just be really hard (and expensive to pay for so much childcare). 

If you have a partner, most people seem to stagger work.  One goes in early to finish by 4 or 5 and pick up the kids.  The other starts work later and drops the kids off. 

When you look at school schedules, add 30 minutes or so for bussing.  My kid goes to school 8:55 - 3:30.  Bus times are 8:05 - 4:05.  That is very doable for working full time if you have a short/no commute and a spouse to switch with, or an afternoon sitter for an hour or so.  In fact, as a SAHM, I would be happy to watch a neighbor kid after school for a little cash. 

For me, when it comes down to it, working 12 hour days with a kid (any age, because as they get older they still need a lot from you after school) will just suck, period.  Yet some people manage it just fine!  I think if you can afford a nanny who can do things like help with homework, wash dishes, pack lunches, start dinner, it is a huge help.  I nannied briefly, and the mom often had either dinner prepped in a crockpot in the fridge and I just had to turn it on, or a casserole in the freezer that I popped in the oven, etc.  not full in cooking, but still a huge help for her.  But that comes at a high price, so it's a trade-off. 

[mozar]

Well it would be more like 50 hours a week/ 10 hours a day. Less if the kid was near me. I might be too close to the schools for buses.

The plan is if I had a kid at 34, I could FIRE when they are 6 or 7 years old, so the rest of their childhood I would be there 100%. Seems like a good trade off to me.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

Well it would be more like 50 hours a week/ 10 hours a day. Less if the kid was near me. I might be too close to the schools for buses.

The plan is if I had a kid at 34, I could FIRE when they are 6 or 7 years old, so the rest of their childhood I would be there 100%. Seems like a good trade off to me.

It might be--but a two-year-old won't understand that! So you do need to be prepared for things to change after baby arrives. S/he might need you more as a baby or toddler and less later on. Or it might work exactly like you have planned.

[ltt]

The elementary school which is walking distance to my house has hours from 9am to 3:20pm (wtf?). I don't think they have after school care but there are options in driving distance. It starts at 4 years old.
I'm not sure how much control I'll have over my schedule, historically it's been almost none.

These are fairly normal hours for a school district.  Some start earlier, but the ending time is right in line with other districts.  Why do you expect the school district to babysit your children. 

[DecD]

The bus picks my older son up at ~7:30am and drops him off at ~3:20pm.  We've handled this in a couple of ways.  We both work full time.

The past two years, we've signed him up for an after school program that picks him up from school and the kids do sports and gymnastics until we're off work.  We pick him up between 4 and 5:30, depending on the day.  (Our youngest is in a full-time montessori school/daycare.  He'll start public Kinder in 2 years.)

However, starting in the fall I'll be switching up my schedule to work 7-3 so I can meet the bus after school.  My husband will put him on the bus in the morning, and I'll be there when he gets home.  This'll save us $85/week in after care costs, plus cut the chaos level in our house WAY down. (getting home with two kids at 5:30, then trying to get dinner on the table and think about homework before bedtime is not fun and relaxing.)  Double win.

For the past 7 years, we've staggered our work schedules so that my husband drops off (between 9 and 10am for daycare, and of course the 7:30am bus for elementary) and I pick up (3:30 to 5:30 depending on which job/era we're talking about) to try to minimize the kids' time at daycare/aftercare.  We've consciously chosen careers that allow us this flexibility, cause being working parents is simply challenging.

[bognish]

My wife is a stay at home mom. Her side hustle is picking up the neighbors kids after school or day care in the summer.  We have kids the same age so she is going to the bus stop anyway. We feed them dinner and get homework done.  Really convienient for the family next door not to have to worry about traffic jams, snow storms, late day care pick ups or dealing with getting dinner for hungry/tired/ cranky kids as soon as they get home from a 12+ hour work day.  Nice for us to have a bit extra cash each month. So start making friends witht he stay at home moms in the neighborhoods.

[mamagoose]

Mozar since you're still in the advanced planning stages, I encourage you to look into other options besides full-time daycare. It's a brave new world and we have sooooo many other options that might be more convenient for your future family. To name a few:

-My setup: I work from home as a self-employed mechanical engineer / sustainable buildings consultant, about 30 hours a week while baby sleeps/plays independently. Constant juggle, totally worth it. Husband works full-time outside of the home and watches baby on nights/weekends if I need to catch up on work. We knew a few years ago that I wanted to be at home with our kid(s), so we worked hard to launch my side gig and make it happen (set up our budget based on my husband's income alone, so mine is 100% towards FIRE) - if you can dream it, you can do it :)

-My cousin's setup: she's a single mom paralegal, hired a nanny full-time to keep her kid while she worked. The nanny's apartment is walking distance from her paralegal office, which enabled her to nurse her son until he was 2 years old (seriously, she just walked over to the nanny's apartment a few times a day instead of pumping breastmilk in a room at the office). This could be a nice setup for you since you're working in DC. Bring baby into DC with you and drop them at the nanny's house while you work.

-My friend's setup: she works part-time, husband works full-time. Nanny comes to their house 3 days a week while she's at work, ended up being cheaper than daycare for her 2 kids.

[mozar]

It's definitely important to look at as many options as possible. My neighbor just got pregnant and works full time. I'll ask her too. From my discussions with my future employer they seem at least somewhat flexible. And the commute is shorter than I thought.
Thanks for all the responses.

[Mrs. SSC]

We worried about this same issue also... now we have 2 toddlers.  We stagger our work schedules - so I go into work at 6am, and he drops the kids off at 6:30am at daycare. Then I pick them up, and get them dinner, and he comes home at 6pm.  After talking to other moms, I've realized that some of my coworkers have a nanny, or a part-time nanny who will just do before or after-school care...

Also - our daycare offers school before and after-school care, since they are next to the elementary school.  So, you drop and pick up your kid from the daycare, and they have a bus that they will take to and from school with the kids.

I've realized there are lots of options out there, that I had no idea existed before I had kids.

[lady brett ashley]

In your situation, the main thing i'd look into is a daycare near your work, rather than near your home.  Then you can pick the kiddo up as soon as you're off, so even if you're working long hours you can get to daycare in time, instead of having to get off 45 minutes early. Plus, that way you get an extra hour and a half to actually hang out with your kid during your commute.

We are pretty lucky in our situation - i'm working part-time (and at a very understanding/flexible place) and the spouse is in school full-time.  Even so, we would have a hard time with scheduling (4 different schedules, so that's part of it) without help.  We have a 19-year-old neighbor who picks the kids up and babysits for the one day a week we both get off late, and another friend who works weekends who is kind of our "emergency help" for the less consistent conflicts (sick babies when we can't get free, unexpected afternoon meetings, etc.).

But help can be paid help!  A lot of daycares offer extended hours, as you mentioned.  A lot of daycares will pick up elementary-aged kids from school for the few hours between school getting out and work getting out.  And if you don't have a personal network of reliable and flexible folks who can help out, there are some online services to connect babysitters to parents (i've never used these, but i think one is care.com or something similar).

[Starter]

A couple suggestions:

1. Is there a daycare closer to your work (within walking distance?).  Then the child could ride the train with you to and from work.  This will save on daycare costs and give you more one on one time with them until they're school aged.

2. In my area the school bus will pick up and/or drop off a child at the daycare of your choice (private home, licensed, etc.). Though most schools here also offer before/after school child care, the hours are not for as long as you would need.

[MrsPete]

I can't speak for how everyone else does it, but here's how our young-children years worked out:

Both of us have always worked, and given the same set of circumstances, I'd make the same choice again.  It's been financially worthwhile, and we've raised great kids.  When the kids were small, everything worked out well -- EXCEPT when my husband went out of town.  At those times, and we're talking 2-3 days every 6-8 weeks, life was miserable for me.  Our life wasn't "arranged" to be run by one adult. 

From birth 'til the first started school, my husband was the "morning parent" because he didn't have to be at work until 8:30.  I'd lay out the kids' clothes and diaper bags the night before, and my husband would get the kids up, feed and dress them, and take them to day care.  Even now they talk about the little games they played during those times -- games that didn't include me, but that was their special time.

At that same time, I was always the afternoon parent.  Since I'm a teacher, I'm off mid-afternoon.  I'd do any necessary shopping QUICKLY before picking up the kids (because it takes about 25% as much time to shop alone than to shop with small children), and I'd pick them up from day care.  That was our special time.  We'd talk about their day, do any homework they had, and we'd make dinner together. 

We always made a big deal of bedtime.  They had their baths, then stories and songs -- it was a big bonding time for us. 

We "fell into" good day care at every turn -- I mean, unbelievably good situations.  For example, we'd arranged for our new baby to attend the same day care as her then two-year old sister . . . and then the day care decided to discontinue their newborn program.  I came home crying, fearful that I'd have to quit my job, not sure what to do.  The very next week, my favorite day care provider in my daughter's two-year old room told me quietly that she was going to start an at-home day care -- would I like to reserve a spot.  Uh, yes.  A few years later, when we'd decided it was time to leave her, I was sad about telling her we were going to be ending our tenure with her . . . but before I could broach the subject, she told me she was moving out of the area.  We always had good day care situations. 

When it was time for our oldest to start school, we decided to go with a Christian school -- in part because we could put the oldest in to kindergarten . . . and have the youngest in day care in the same building.  It meant one drop off /one pick up each day, and that made a mountain of difference in our lives at that point. 

I should note that we lived some distance away from our workplaces at that point, and that was one of the biggest problems in our lives. We spent entirely too much time on the road at that point, and that did impact the quality of our lives.  We loved where we lived, but our jobs, our day care, our doctors, all our shopping -- everything was at least 30 minutes away.  That's the biggest reason we moved instead of adding on to our first house.

Once we moved over to public school, we used the school's before-school care /after school care, which was outrageously expensive given that they were in the care only about 15 minutes before school started and only about 30 minutes after school ended.  We had to pay for care until 6:30, even thought the kids were picked up around 3:00. 

In closing, the years when you have to shuttle them here and there for day care were, in our experience, the hardest.  You have to do that AND have time to really connect with them at home.  That's going to be hard to do if you're working 'til 6:30 every night -- oh, you can do it occasionally, but each and every day . . . something's gotta give. 

Teenagers, on the other hand are EASY.  Easy, that is, if you do a good job with the kids when they're young.  I wouldn't want to have to live with some of my students, but my own girls are genuinely wonderful young ladies.  In retrospect, it's like I took these two babies and made them into the two best friends I could ever have.  I can't imagine not having them.

 

[mozar]

Thanks for the responses. Looks like the best options are to get daycare near my work until 3 y/o, then pay someone to take them to school and pick them up. I might buy a car and work 7-3 since most jobs are 20 minutes from where I live. Traffic is what's killer. Then if everything goes well, I'll be retired when the kid is 6.