How much financial support are you going to provide for your adult children?

[AuspiciousEight]

I am really starting to feel old these days with these sorts of curiosities.

If you have children, how much are you planning on financially supporting them after they become adults and for how long?

Are you planning on buying them their first car? Paying for their community college? Paying for their bachelor's degree at a state university? Paying for their master's degree? Paying for their first house? Bailing them out of financial difficulties even when they are 30-40 years old?

Have you accounted for this in your FIRE budget?

Similarly - if you already have adult children - how much financial support did you provide for your adult children?

Are there any studies indicating if children whose parents paid 100% for their tuition do better in life vs children whose parents did not pay for their college education?

How much financial support did your parents provide for you after you became an adult?

Do you feel like your parents should have given you more financial support after you became an adult?

Please discuss.

[MaybeBabyMustache]

We have money saved to pay for both of our teens to go to out of state public universities. Why did we decide to do this? Because our income/assets made it clear that our kids would not receive any grants or financial aid of any kind. We could also afford to do so, and it was a priority for both of us.

After some reasonable post college transition, we will expect our kids to get jobs & pay for things on their own. We will likely continue to cover smaller expenses like cell phones, etc as a gift.

We are expecting to leave behind a substantial amount (barring some sort of financial catastrophe), so we are more likely to help our kids with larger expenses (house down payment, etc) along the way vs leaving all of it until the end.

Neither of our parents were able to help us financially, and I help my parents quite a bit with "extras". It is not expected, it's a gift & very much appreciated & not taken for granted. DH would do the same, but his family lives in a country where sanctions make that near impossible (Iran.)

[NotJen]

I don't have kids.  My one thought is that every kid is different, and will need different kinds of support.  Think ahead, but stay flexible.

How much financial support did your parents provide for you after you became an adult?

My parents couldn't pay for my college, and they set that expectation early.

Mom paid for my gas for a year after I moved away for college, and kept me on her health insurance until I graduated.  Dad paid for my car insurance until I graduated.  Having insurance taken care of was sooooo nice.  Very appreciated.

Technically they gave me 2 cars.  I got to take the family "kids" car to college because my siblings were driving other vehicles by then because it was an awful car that no one wanted, but it kind of worked for a little while.  Then I got another hand-me-down that I didn't ask for, but gladly took - not realizing I'd immediately have to spend $2k to keep it running.  Lol.

Dad offered to pay for my very reasonable wedding reception (restaurant dinner for 19 people), and mom paid for the venue (totally unplanned - I had the $200 check written out and forgot it!).

Do you feel like your parents should have given you more financial support after you became an adult?

Nope.  I didn't need it.

[Dicey]

Both stepkids were adults when I came along after their mother passed away. DH and I have helped them get established in ways large (to us) and small. We're not particularly concerned about giving them any specific amount of money upon our deaths. When DH and I discuss this topic, he always says something along the lines of, "let's just see how much we have left," which isn't particularly helpful.

Our son is on the spectrum and needed more help to get up and out, but he's doing quite well now. We may "even up" his sister at some point, but we have also helped her and her family in significant ways as well.

It's very wabi-sabi at this point.

[Tasse]

I can only talk about the ways my parents did it for me, but I think they did a pretty good job.

Are you planning on buying them their first car?

I was provided a car--an old minivan when my parents upgraded--to drive myself to my high school extracurriculars. It was not "my" car and it passed to my next sibling when I left for college.

A few of my now-adult siblings did get to take comparable old cars with them when they flew the nest, but I bought my own first car. ($3k. Still driving it.)

Paying for their community college? Paying for their bachelor's degree at a state university? Paying for their master's degree?

The deal my parents gave us was that they'd match every dollar we put toward college. Very generously, that included merit scholarships. (In retrospect, they and I agree that I probably could and should have chosen a cheaper college than I did.) I was required to have a job on campus (I got a talking-to when it took me until November freshman year to get one) and over summers.

I was a little behind on my half of the 50-50 arrangement by the time I graduated, about $5000 in debt to them. They told me to get an emergency fund together before paying them back and didn't charge me interest, but I did pay them back within 2.5 years.

Grad school is not included in this deal.

Paying for their first house?

Definitely not! Any of their kids can live at home for free for as long as they are in school of any kind. Once you graduate, you owe rent, although it's probably well below market rate. I never did this, but my brother did. They may have gifted him the collected rent back once he moved out, though I'm not certain about that.

Are there any studies indicating if children whose parents paid 100% for their tuition do better in life vs children whose parents did not pay for their college education?

I have no idea what the studies show. My parents believed it was important for us to have some financial skin in the game to ensure we took college seriously.

How much financial support did your parents provide for you after you became an adult?

Aside from what's detailed above, they gave us a four-figure wedding gift. We may soon get an old family car for cheap or free (though frankly it's not "support," it's closer to "Nobody else wants this, do you?") They cover our share of the annual family vacation to rural family property. They're pretty generous with Christmas gifts. When we (rarely) go out for family meals, they usually pay.

When I first went to grad school, I was about to live on my own, paying rent etc., for the first time, in a VHCOL city, on $30k per year. I had no idea how much money was worth. My mom helped me put together a monthly budget and a grocery plan that would fit within that. We ran out of money in the budget on the first try, and I got super nervous about being able to afford it. She looked me in the eye like "Hmm, that's not going to work. Better start over," and helped me rework it until it fit. In other words, I got a great foundation of knowledge, but it was always very clear I was expected to sustain myself.

(This was before I found FIRE. Within a few years I had proven that I could live on half that income in that city.)

Most valuable to me today is that they've taken care of their own finances well enough that I'm not worried about having to take care of them, money wise, in their old age.

[AuspiciousEight]

Thanks everyone!

Very interesting.

[charis]

Will definitely help the kids with college costs up to a reasonable amount.  My parents helped with college, but I picked a school with a very good scholarship and took some loans.  The amount was much smaller than it would have been today.  They also helped with half the cost of a very inexpensive car after college and let me live at home for 6 months.  I did not need the assistance because I was working two jobs at the time, but it was very much appreciated.

My brother on the other hand is still living at home in his 40s and hardly paying for anything.  My parents cosigned apartment leases, a car loan, and student loans throughout his adulthood.  They've had to pay on all of it and are now struggling to keep up.  It's a really sad situation and a cautionary tale about crippling a child with too much financial support.

[JupiterGreen]

I do not have kids, but I will add what my parents did: very little financial support even while I was young. There was a tremendous amount of lack in my life including food insecurity that followed me into young adulthood because I started behind. There were things I had to do to survive that were not in my best interest. My parents did occasionally throw a little bit of financial help here and there, during my college years, a present for my wedding, but did not no pay for college, housing, food, cars, etc. no real significant help. They were not helpful they were a hinderance to my success in life in a number of ways. It's possible I would have done better being a ward of the state. If not for FAFSA and some luck I don't know where my life would be. Give your kids a step up please. Once they are launched it's not as important but those launching years are key.

[dcheesi]

As a late-coming (technical) stepfather, I'm more of an observer here.

My wife and the girls' father supported them through college. This was made much easier by the fact that their father works for a local four-year university, which means that they all got free(!) tuition there. They also got help with housing costs; while they technically could have commuted, everyone agreed that it was better for their education and their personal development to live near campus and get the full college experience [my parents did the same for me, funding four years on-campus despite living just across town from my school].

Since graduation, the younger two have stayed with one or the other parent while getting their careers figured out. One is now on her own (albeit with housemates) while the other is currently part-time at home, part-time with her SO, and planning to move full-time once she enters the next (self-funded) phase of her education.

The daughter who lives here has also become the primary user of my wife's old car, which is something that my wife is trying to balance in terms of financial support offered to the other two (neither of whom drive). The girls all get along well right now, so I think it's more a matter of trying to preempt any questions of fairness down the line.

[tooqk4u22]

We will be covering all college costs up to a set amount and we currently have 1.5x that amount set aside and not counted in FIRE budget.  Through work/gifts here and there they cover more frivolous expenses (mostly eating out).   

After college the plan is to give them 6 months to get their shit in gear and they will be welcome to stay with us longer provided they cover/contribute to their costs and are banking the vast majority of their income to give them an additional leg up.  No gaming in the basement all day or out partying all night!  Grow up time!

We have discussed providing a new car out of college that is reasonable in nature like a Honda Civic (low maintenance, good MPG, etc) which would come out of the additional .5x college savings if we did do that so it wouldn't affect FIRE dollars - but still don't know for sure.

Our parents didn't give us anything but did let us live at home while we went to commuter campuses, so that is something I guess, but we paid for health and auto insurances, all auto costs, outside food (which was most bc there was never food at home anyway), clothing, etc. 

So its weird to have come from nothing, become moderately successful to the point where FIRE (although not as young/early as I had hoped) is possible, and yet being ok with funding all those future kids costs.   I guess its because we have it and we can, which meant not FIREing as early, but I guess we feel that if we get them through college, give them a car, and give them an opportunity to save some funds then after that there shouldn't be much issue and it will be up to them as to how they want to live and afford them the option to take jobs that are interesting or lower paying or lower opportunity if it suits them. 

[GuitarStv]

Age ain't nothin' but a number.  A child doesn't become an adult until they can completely support themselves financially . . . so I'm not sure I fully understand the question.

I will continue supporting my child until he becomes an adult.  But I'll certainly be questioning what I did wrong in life if that stretches into his late 20s or 30s.  Our retirement budget is set up to cover university expenses.  While I haven't planned for it, I think we could comfortably cover caring for our son until we're well into old age.  My concern in that scenario would more be that my son never actually learns to care for himself until we die - but it's likely that I'd be working pretty hard to push him out of the nest to test flight on his own wings before then.

[Cranky]

My 3 kids each got a 4 year college degree without any loans. They each took a different path. One went to a selective college and got tons of scholarships. One went to the local university and worked part time. The two who drive each got a used car when we upgraded.

One kid has a mild disability, works and gets a disability check, but lives with us. They all are responsible people who are careful with their money. No regrets - they’ve turned out great.

[lhamo]

We had enough in 529s for our kids to fully fund their undergraduate education.  TheX wants them to get the remainder (which is around $30k for DS and will be over $100k for DD -- our tax situation means she is pretty much getting a full ride at the local state flagship, though our contribution may go up in her senior year because I had to cash out investments to fund my remodel). I have already told DS that if/when he has kids we can make them the beneficiary of those funds, and he seems to want to go that route.  If he decides he doesn't at some point, I'll probably just roll the money to a Roth for him. 

When DS graduated we gave him 12k on the condition that he open a Roth account.  Will probably just do an in-kind

The kids' cell phones are still being paid by their dad.  Not sure if/when he will discontinue that.

We covered DS' car insurance while the car was still registered at our address.

I probably will gift or sell my current car to DD for a modest price. Unless she buys one from a relative before I am ready to change cars.  Mine is 10 years old with only 70k miles on it, and even with the road trips I am planning it probably can go another 10 years with modest upkeep costs.

I am finishing up a first stage remodel of my house that will make it possible for my kids to move back in with me if they want to.  DD lives with me when not at the dorms at school.  I bought a house that I can potentially add a proper ADU onto if such arrangements become longer-term.

Long term support remains to be seen/depends on the market. I personally am not a fan of big expensive weddings so any money for that from my side is likely to be modest.  I do hope to be in the position to fully fund higher ed costs for any future grandchildren.  I'd like to set both kids up well in terms of real estate - if they do live with me I will probably charge them a modest rent, and gift back most of that toward a house purchase if/when they decide to take that route.

I do hope to do some significant spending on travel with them, especially bucket list type trips.  This year I have offered for them to come join me at the house sit I will be doing in Hawaii.  Pretty sure DS will for at least part of the time -- DD needs to figure out what she is doing this summer, but I hope she/her BF will also come for part of the time.

They will likely each get a substantial inheritance, but I do also plan to leave a fair amount to charity.  My hope is that by the time I kick the bucket the money will be immaterial to them.  If that is the case, then I may generation skip and focus on setting up and grandkids for financial success instead.

[Chris Pascale]

College: I've paid most of my kids' college tuition. They paid $500 per semester, plus books and supplies. My oldest took out a loan for her last year, and I'm making the min payments right now. She wants to pay them off when she gets into her career this summer, which I will graciously allow. I'm hoping she gets a job near us, but she's also applying to stuff in Alaska and Hawaii.

Weddings: I'll give $20,000 to each when they get married (if they don't get married by [age not yet determined] I'll do he same).

First home: My wife and I both qualify for VA home loans. As such, we may use them to help them get into their own homes (however we can do this legally, of course, is how we'll do it). Like, oldest is ready to buy something. We use my VA home loan for no-money-down. Whether my loan is freed up or not, my wife's will still be available for the next kid, and we'll repeat the process. When an occupied loan is needed, a sale or re-fi will be exercised. If for some reason that's not possible, then I'll help in another way.

Daycare: If we can, we will.

Gramps-Camp: If they'll let us take the kids for a period of time during the year, we'd like to.

If we become rich: Bulk of the wealth goes into a protected trust.

On the last one, I say "if" because it's not the path I'm on. My FI plan involves stacking up multiple pensions. Wife and I both have military pensions. I'm a federal employee. She's a state employee. And I teach part-time at a public college, which I plan to do full-time for the last stretch of my career. While doing that, I've always had something on the side that's all-or-nothing. The current all-or-nothing is my Fannie Mae gamble that I started a thread about in the investments area a couple years back, which might actually be the spark that ignites this FI/RE in the next 2-10 years, but I can't really say.

Another "if" could be that my mom is a secret trillionaire. She brought me to the Cheesecake Factory last week for my birthday, so maybe.

[roomtempmayo]

Give your kids a step up please. Once they are launched it's not as important but those launching years are key.

While not nearly what you've described, I think both my wife and I have a desire to give our daughter a better financial start than either of us got.

Both of us came from middle class families that lived upper middle class lives, which meant they liked the appearance of nice things, but didn't actually have much cash.  After going through mediocre public schools, both of us were encouraged to go to $$$ private college where we met.  Mostly on loans, because nobody ever really talked about money, at least until it was too late.  Our parents are good people and tried to help us with little bits of money here and there into our early 20s, but sending a kid to private college on loans is not something we're going to replicate.  Starting adult life way underwater financially isn't fun and doesn't teach you much.

Our plan is to put our daughter through good elementary and high schools (public or private), and make sure she gets through college debt-free (not ruling out working in the summers or on the side to chip in). 

That's about as far as our planning goes.  A wedding, house downpayment, daycare ... I guess we'll see.  We don't want her to have to struggle for 10 or 15 years to get to a life position where she feels like she can start a family, only to have that window actively closing.  If she wants to have three or four kids, then we'd want to be there to help with those costs.  Who knows what the future holds, though.

Beyond getting her started in life, we're totally uninterested in any sort of inheritance.  The money matters so much more early on in life.

[Dicey]

Age ain't nothin' but a number.  A child doesn't become an adult until they can completely support themselves financially . . . so I'm not sure I fully understand the question.

I will continue supporting my child until he becomes an adult.  But I'll certainly be questioning what I did wrong in life if that stretches into his late 20s or 30s.  Our retirement budget is set up to cover university expenses.  While I haven't planned for it, I think we could comfortably cover caring for our son until we're well into old age.  My concern in that scenario would more be that my son never actually learns to care for himself until we die - but it's likely that I'd be working pretty hard to push him out of the nest to test flight on his own wings before then.

This is exactly why we were willing to spend more to launch BK. His sister can turn straw into gold, but he's on the spectrum.  He needed a bigger push to get started. I really wanted him to build a strong, independent life. He's been at his job for almost a decade, he's well loved there, and is up for a big promotion. His living situation is now secure, and we can go off and enjoy our FIRE'd life without worrying about either of them. More or less, lol.

[MaybeBabyMustache]

Age ain't nothin' but a number.  A child doesn't become an adult until they can completely support themselves financially . . . so I'm not sure I fully understand the question.

I will continue supporting my child until he becomes an adult.  But I'll certainly be questioning what I did wrong in life if that stretches into his late 20s or 30s.  Our retirement budget is set up to cover university expenses.  While I haven't planned for it, I think we could comfortably cover caring for our son until we're well into old age.  My concern in that scenario would more be that my son never actually learns to care for himself until we die - but it's likely that I'd be working pretty hard to push him out of the nest to test flight on his own wings before then.

This is exactly why we were willing to spend more to launch BK. His sister can turn straw into gold, but he's on the spectrum.  He needed a bigger push to get started. I really wanted him to build a strong, independent life. He's been at his job for almost a decade, he's well loved there, and is up for a big promotion. His living situation is now secure, and we can go off and enjoy our FIRE'd life without worrying about either of them. More or less, lol.

I think these are both good points, and will also add that there's a lot of uncertainty in the world currently. The opportunity I had right out of college to get a decent job, move up the ladder, save for & buy a house, largely get married/have kids on my own timeline? Who knows what the future holds for younger children, but also for those young adults who are coming out of COVID schooling, and trying to find a job in the current economy.

[AuspiciousEight]

Age ain't nothin' but a number.  A child doesn't become an adult until they can completely support themselves financially . . . so I'm not sure I fully understand the question.

I will continue supporting my child until he becomes an adult.  But I'll certainly be questioning what I did wrong in life if that stretches into his late 20s or 30s.  Our retirement budget is set up to cover university expenses.  While I haven't planned for it, I think we could comfortably cover caring for our son until we're well into old age.  My concern in that scenario would more be that my son never actually learns to care for himself until we die - but it's likely that I'd be working pretty hard to push him out of the nest to test flight on his own wings before then.

This is exactly why we were willing to spend more to launch BK. His sister can turn straw into gold, but he's on the spectrum.  He needed a bigger push to get started. I really wanted him to build a strong, independent life. He's been at his job for almost a decade, he's well loved there, and is up for a big promotion. His living situation is now secure, and we can go off and enjoy our FIRE'd life without worrying about either of them. More or less, lol.

I think these are both good points, and will also add that there's a lot of uncertainty in the world currently. The opportunity I had right out of college to get a decent job, move up the ladder, save for & buy a house, largely get married/have kids on my own timeline? Who knows what the future holds for younger children, but also for those young adults who are coming out of COVID schooling, and trying to find a job in the current economy.

Yeah - this is sort of my train of thought that started this thread.

I'm sort of worried about my kids future...The oldest one will be 18 here in a year and a few months and, just looking around, will not have the same sort of economic opportunities I had when I started out.

Neither my wife or I had any sort of healthy relationships with our parents (long story....) so I was also wondering what exactly a healthy parent child dynamic even looks like, and how much support most people typically receive from their parents.

So these replies are helpful for me to read about, as DW and I contemplate how to best launch our children into the world.

It seems like the best option, especially with the price of rent and housing today, will be to simply have them stay at home and commute to a local college / university or trade school after high school, and then simply stay at home for as long as needed and save money before they buy their own house.

We already pay for their phones, and small cars are still relatively inexpensive compared to our FIRE budget, and local colleges are still pretty inexpensive around where I live, so we should be able to cover their tuition and things while staying under 4% withdrawal rate.

[GuitarStv]

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

[AuspiciousEight]

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

Good advice.

It's like walking a fine line between making things too comfortable and stress free so a person never feels the need to learn and grow and mature, and introducing them to so much adversity that they burn out and wind up resenting you for the rest of their life for not providing enough for them.

Going into either extreme can be challenging for the long term growth of a person, imo...so it seems sort of like a balancing act.

[roomtempmayo]

I agree with @GuitarStv , and I think you're right @AuspiciousEight that it's situational.

Especially for kids raised in relative comfort where "home" is often a very spacious house that doesn't cramp their style at all, there's a lot to be said for at least starting college some distance away and living in an old fashioned cinder block dorm.

Getting all the benefits of being a successful adult without having to do any of the work to get there isn't a recipe for success.

[Cranky]

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

My parents were great. They paid my college entirely, though it was cheap enough in the Olden Days, and I had zero interest in moving back home. I don’t know anyone who did. We all lived in terrible apartments and got terrible jobs.

[Tasse]

The kids' cell phones are still being paid by their dad.  Not sure if/when he will discontinue that.

I'm still on my parents' phone plan at 31, but I pay them the marginal cost of my line. Forgot about it until you mentioned this.

It's like walking a fine line between making things too comfortable and stress free so a person never feels the need to learn and grow and mature, and introducing them to so much adversity that they burn out and wind up resenting you for the rest of their life for not providing enough for them.

Being a safety net for them, even as you're encouraging them out of the nest, makes a huge difference. No matter what horrible disaster I can imagine happening to my life, I know I could recuperate under my parents' roof if I had to. That seems pretty implausible for me at this point, financially speaking, but in early life, even when I was anxious about staying under budget on my little paycheck, I was never truly deep-down frightened of being hungry or homeless. You'll be able to give that to your kids.

[Villanelle]

I don't have kids.

My parents paid for college (in-state tuition was their limit) and rent once I moved out.  I had to pay my other bills.  They also allowed me to live at home. (I moved out, then moved back in during school.) And they let me stay past graduation.  (I moved out to live with DH shortly thereafter, when we got engaged. My sister stayed for longer after she graduated.  I think it was a couple years. She had found a full time job and was saving up, and eventually moved out.  IDK if they put a timeline on it.)

They carried the loan for DH and I for our first home.  We could have afforded a regular loan, and they charged us the going market rate, so it didn't actually change our finances, other than closing costs perhaps being a bit lower.  This was done more to keep our interest money in the family.)  they give generous Christmas gifts--sometimes well into the 4 figures.  And when we visit them, they pay for nearly everything--like meals, mom taking me shopping, etc..)  They also paid for a pretty fancy but not OTT wedding. They also sometimes take my sister and me, and our spouses, on vacations. 

DH, OTOH, was barely even supported by him mom during high school.  He ran cross country and got shit from his coach because he wasn't wearing proper running shoes, but that was because he had to buy all his own stuff and couldn't afford them on his fast food part-time salary during school.  And while his family was far from wealthy, there were certainly extras in the house that could have been skipped. They did not pay for school or anything else. On the rare occasion we see them, we frequently pay for dinner (well more than half the time).  95% of the time we see them, we travel.  (Often when we travel to see my parents, they will buy our tickets.  We frequently combine visits to the families since they are semi-close.)

Even with the support from my parents, I still very much wanted to move out.  Also, I think that my parents' approach might have been different if my sibling and I were wild, irresponsible, unmotivated, etc.  I was a bit of a mess--struggling with then-undiagnosed anxiety among other things--and my relationship wih my parents wasn't fantastic, but I wasn't out getting drunk every night or blowing my money on designer goods.  I think my parents saw that and even though they were frustrated with me, they continued with the support, and I'm grateful they did.  Had they not, I think things would have ended very badly for me.  I was doing the very best I could and had they shoved me out of the nest to try to "launch" me, I likely would have crashed on the forest floor.  I wasn't capable of flying yet.  I didn't understand why, they didn't understand why, but I'm so fortunate and grateful that they didn't let their impatience cause them to pull their support.  I wouldn't have been okay. 


   
**My parents also plan to give me a sizeable inheritance when the time comes.  It's very important to them to do this, even though neither I nor my sibling really need the money.  Of course it will be nice, and appreciated, but we are good without it.

[GuitarStv]

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

My parents were great. They paid my college entirely, though it was cheap enough in the Olden Days, and I had zero interest in moving back home. I don’t know anyone who did. We all lived in terrible apartments and got terrible jobs.

My parents were also great.  They helped with some of the costs in university and then introduced me to the guest room after I graduated.  It looked a lot like my old room.  I was free to stay there for a few days as a guest, or pay rent to rent a room.  I chose to room with some friends instead.

It has become much more normalized for kids to choose dependence rather than independence today.

More Canadian students are planning on living at home while at university or college than 10 years ago
Nearly half (47%) of all post-secondary students will live at their parent’s home, compared to only 36% in 2013. That is an 11-point difference in the span of 10 years. In contrast, 41% are planning on living away from home in 2023, down from the 47% who planned to live away in 2013. Following graduation from post-secondary, four in ten (36%) will continue to live at home, with 47% staying for 2 years or longer. Of those who plan to live at home post-graduation, one in seven plan to stay for at least 5 years, indicating that the reliance on parents for accommodation will extend well beyond the time that these young adults are in school.

Students are increasingly relying on their parents to manage their finances
Four in ten (43%) students assume their parents will take care of their financial needs, up 14 points in 10 years. In 2013, only 29% had made that assumption, showcasing the increased dependence of students on their parents to fill the gap. Moreover, students continue to first turn to their parents to help develop their financial goals, with almost seven in ten relying on parents in 2023 (69%) and 2013 (68%).

- https://www.ipsos.com/en-ca/nearly-half-of-canadian-post-secondary-students-will-live-at-parents-home-while-going-to-school-up-11-points-since-2013

This is concerning, suggesting to me that perspectives and expectations have changed quite a lot since we were in university.

[Wolfpack Mustachian]

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

My parents were great. They paid my college entirely, though it was cheap enough in the Olden Days, and I had zero interest in moving back home. I don’t know anyone who did. We all lived in terrible apartments and got terrible jobs.

My parents were also great.  They helped with some of the costs in university and then introduced me to the guest room after I graduated.  It looked a lot like my old room.  I was free to stay there for a few days as a guest, or pay rent to rent a room.  I chose to room with some friends instead.

It has become much more normalized for kids to choose dependence rather than independence today.

More Canadian students are planning on living at home while at university or college than 10 years ago
Nearly half (47%) of all post-secondary students will live at their parent’s home, compared to only 36% in 2013. That is an 11-point difference in the span of 10 years. In contrast, 41% are planning on living away from home in 2023, down from the 47% who planned to live away in 2013. Following graduation from post-secondary, four in ten (36%) will continue to live at home, with 47% staying for 2 years or longer. Of those who plan to live at home post-graduation, one in seven plan to stay for at least 5 years, indicating that the reliance on parents for accommodation will extend well beyond the time that these young adults are in school.

Students are increasingly relying on their parents to manage their finances
Four in ten (43%) students assume their parents will take care of their financial needs, up 14 points in 10 years. In 2013, only 29% had made that assumption, showcasing the increased dependence of students on their parents to fill the gap. Moreover, students continue to first turn to their parents to help develop their financial goals, with almost seven in ten relying on parents in 2023 (69%) and 2013 (68%).

- https://www.ipsos.com/en-ca/nearly-half-of-canadian-post-secondary-students-will-live-at-parents-home-while-going-to-school-up-11-points-since-2013

This is concerning, suggesting to me that perspectives and expectations have changed quite a lot since we were in university.

Would you consider requiring a savings rate rather than charging rent? Right now that is what I lean towards.

[AuspiciousEight]

The kids' cell phones are still being paid by their dad.  Not sure if/when he will discontinue that.

I'm still on my parents' phone plan at 31, but I pay them the marginal cost of my line. Forgot about it until you mentioned this.

It's like walking a fine line between making things too comfortable and stress free so a person never feels the need to learn and grow and mature, and introducing them to so much adversity that they burn out and wind up resenting you for the rest of their life for not providing enough for them.

Being a safety net for them, even as you're encouraging them out of the nest, makes a huge difference. No matter what horrible disaster I can imagine happening to my life, I know I could recuperate under my parents' roof if I had to. That seems pretty implausible for me at this point, financially speaking, but in early life, even when I was anxious about staying under budget on my little paycheck, I was never truly deep-down frightened of being hungry or homeless. You'll be able to give that to your kids.

Thanks for this perspective.

This makes me feel really good that I'll be able to give my kids a sense of security. Security was definitely a feeling that I was lacking when I was a kid and young adult, so I'm glad I'll be able to give this to my children.

[BeanCounter]

I had a great elementary and HS education provided for me and college tuition up to a certain amount. I also had a vehicle and insurance provided to me until I was graduated and had a full time job post college. More importantly, I had a place to live after college until I found a job (although very tiny and not much privacy) and a general knowledge that if a crisis hit I could call for help. Once launched and married I was given a four figure check each year for “festivus” to help with extras in life. Shortly after I turned 40 my last parent died and I received a fairly large inheritance. I believe that if I have the means, I should do things that help my child have the most opportunities but not spoiling them.

Currently we have 16 and 12 year old boys. We are providing them a very nice private education. 16 year old also has a cell phone and an “extra” family vehicle (12 year old CRV!) he can use to drive to school and other activities with permission. He is also given $125 a month allowance to cover school lunch and activities with friends. We will do all of these things at age appropriate times for the younger son. I do expect them to have a part time summer job starting at 14, even if it’s just mowing lawns. Any W-2 income earned we match into a Roth for them 100% up to the limit. The 16 year old has a job interview next week for a summer job at a golf course!!

Because of being a diligent saver and receiving an inheritance my children will never qualify for financial aid. So we will be providing for a college education. They each have $100k in their 529s that will be theirs to spend or roll into retirement. And my DH works at a fantastic University where they can get 100% tuition covered (but not room and board) if they choose to go there.
We plan on gifting them their own used car sometime during college and will continue to pay for insurance until they are graduated and in a job. We expect them to work during college to fund their activities. We will continue to provide health insurance of some sort until they are in a full time job.
At some stage we will gift them money (up to the gift tax limit) annually to help cover whatever they want or need. I also plan on providing a family vacation for them every year if they choose to join us. Assuming things go well and we can afford to do these things.
And despite all of the above it’s still fairly likely they will end up with a large inheritance which we are working on a structure for now. The current plan is to give about 25% to them at the time of our death no strings attached and put 75% into a family trust in perpetuity.
We’ll remain flexible on everything of course and just have to see what the future brings but I think you can create hard workers without making life too hard for them. I’ll help provide them a baseline standard of living and they earn the extras.

[AuspiciousEight]

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

My parents were great. They paid my college entirely, though it was cheap enough in the Olden Days, and I had zero interest in moving back home. I don’t know anyone who did. We all lived in terrible apartments and got terrible jobs.

My parents were also great.  They helped with some of the costs in university and then introduced me to the guest room after I graduated.  It looked a lot like my old room.  I was free to stay there for a few days as a guest, or pay rent to rent a room.  I chose to room with some friends instead.

It has become much more normalized for kids to choose dependence rather than independence today.

More Canadian students are planning on living at home while at university or college than 10 years ago
Nearly half (47%) of all post-secondary students will live at their parent’s home, compared to only 36% in 2013. That is an 11-point difference in the span of 10 years. In contrast, 41% are planning on living away from home in 2023, down from the 47% who planned to live away in 2013. Following graduation from post-secondary, four in ten (36%) will continue to live at home, with 47% staying for 2 years or longer. Of those who plan to live at home post-graduation, one in seven plan to stay for at least 5 years, indicating that the reliance on parents for accommodation will extend well beyond the time that these young adults are in school.

Students are increasingly relying on their parents to manage their finances
Four in ten (43%) students assume their parents will take care of their financial needs, up 14 points in 10 years. In 2013, only 29% had made that assumption, showcasing the increased dependence of students on their parents to fill the gap. Moreover, students continue to first turn to their parents to help develop their financial goals, with almost seven in ten relying on parents in 2023 (69%) and 2013 (68%).

- https://www.ipsos.com/en-ca/nearly-half-of-canadian-post-secondary-students-will-live-at-parents-home-while-going-to-school-up-11-points-since-2013

This is concerning, suggesting to me that perspectives and expectations have changed quite a lot since we were in university.

Would you consider requiring a savings rate rather than charging rent? Right now that is what I lean towards.

I don't know about Canada, but in America the price of housing and education relative to incomes has increased pretty significantly in the past couple decades or so. I assume that this is what is driving the shift in young adults staying at home longer and commuting to college instead of living on campus.

One thing my wife and I have discussed is the idea of - after the kids are adults and start working / finish college / trade school, etc - to charge them a small amount of reduced market rate rent every month to keep living at home, and putting the rent money into a savings account set aside to be paid out when they move out.

This gives them an incentive to work because they need to pay the rent, an exposure to the real world, an incentive to move out that gets larger and larger the more they stay at home, and also a nice savings account to start them off when they move out.

[GuitarStv]

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

My parents were great. They paid my college entirely, though it was cheap enough in the Olden Days, and I had zero interest in moving back home. I don’t know anyone who did. We all lived in terrible apartments and got terrible jobs.

My parents were also great.  They helped with some of the costs in university and then introduced me to the guest room after I graduated.  It looked a lot like my old room.  I was free to stay there for a few days as a guest, or pay rent to rent a room.  I chose to room with some friends instead.

It has become much more normalized for kids to choose dependence rather than independence today.

More Canadian students are planning on living at home while at university or college than 10 years ago
Nearly half (47%) of all post-secondary students will live at their parent’s home, compared to only 36% in 2013. That is an 11-point difference in the span of 10 years. In contrast, 41% are planning on living away from home in 2023, down from the 47% who planned to live away in 2013. Following graduation from post-secondary, four in ten (36%) will continue to live at home, with 47% staying for 2 years or longer. Of those who plan to live at home post-graduation, one in seven plan to stay for at least 5 years, indicating that the reliance on parents for accommodation will extend well beyond the time that these young adults are in school.

Students are increasingly relying on their parents to manage their finances
Four in ten (43%) students assume their parents will take care of their financial needs, up 14 points in 10 years. In 2013, only 29% had made that assumption, showcasing the increased dependence of students on their parents to fill the gap. Moreover, students continue to first turn to their parents to help develop their financial goals, with almost seven in ten relying on parents in 2023 (69%) and 2013 (68%).

- https://www.ipsos.com/en-ca/nearly-half-of-canadian-post-secondary-students-will-live-at-parents-home-while-going-to-school-up-11-points-since-2013

This is concerning, suggesting to me that perspectives and expectations have changed quite a lot since we were in university.

Would you consider requiring a savings rate rather than charging rent? Right now that is what I lean towards.

Personally I would lean towards rent because I think it sidesteps some otherwise difficult/embarrassing parental overreach.  If I charge rent, I can just take the rent each month and set it aside to give to him when he moves out.  If I require a savings rate I need to have full access to all of his personal finances.  The latter would annoy me if my dad demanded it, and I feel like it kinda treats your kid like they're not grown up enough to manage their shit by themselves.

I don't know about Canada, but in America the price of housing and education relative to incomes has increased pretty significantly in the past couple decades or so. I assume that this is what is driving the shift in young adults staying at home longer and commuting to college instead of living on campus.

One thing my wife and I have discussed is the idea of - after the kids are adults and start working / finish college / trade school, etc - to charge them a small amount of reduced market rate rent every month to keep living at home, and putting the rent money into a savings account set aside to be paid out when they move out.

This gives them an incentive to work because they need to pay the rent, an exposure to the real world, an incentive to move out that gets larger and larger the more they stay at home, and also a nice savings account to start them off when they move out.

Yeah, I get why attitudes and practices are changing.  Housing in most of Canada has become very expensive, and the price of education has certainly risen as well.  (FWIW, I've been saving with the expectation of entirely covering the cost of tuition for my son in university.  Probably not fully covering living expenses though.)

I'm sure that this difficulty is driving a lot of the failure to launch behaviour.  But I know several people from work who have 30+ year old kids with decent paying jobs who are still living at home.  These kids have never had to learn to do basic adult stuff like laundry, cooking, renting a place, paying bills.  If not for my own sanity then for the sanity of their future spouse (who will have to take care of this skill-less adult sized child after they move out . . . assuming they even move out when married), I want to prevent this sort of situation from developing with my own son.

As mentioned, I think the charging some sort of rent (and probably doing some form of bill-splitting) is a sensible way to introduce real world costs to your child.  I also believe that the kid should pull his own weight around the house.  That means mom and dad don't do everything, so chores/expectations should be clearly defined from the beginning to prevent any future resentment and conflict.

[MrGreen]

Given the current state of things in the USA, I worry a bit about what our daughter's future will look like. It seems like some folks struggle as adults through no fault of their own. Either they don't have the right connections or whatever. It seems like our society is becoming more and more bifurcated between the haves and have nots with little middle. We will do our best to instill qualities in our daughter that will make her successful but I worry that she could still find herself in the other category. Our stash, and what we will likely inherit, will probably approach generational wealth eventually. I don't want our daughter to think that we will pay for her life but I also don't want her to feel like she has no choice but to endure work that makes her miserable. I stayed in a 12 year career that had me miserable most of the time because I was so scared of not having money and had no confidence in myself about what I'd do otherwise. I don't want her to go through that. I don't really know what that will look like financially but I know how much despair I had at times.

[Villanelle]

I've had several friends whose kids went to universities too far for them to live at home.  The parents bought a home in the school location.  Child could live there for free or very low rent, but was responsible for finding tenants for the other rooms, collecting rent (and sending to the parents), managing maintenance, etc. 

It seemed to work quite well, and the kid learned a lot about adulting and home ownership.  And the set of parents with whom I discussed specifics said they nearly broke even with the rents, plus they weren't paying for a place for their kids to live (other than the slight net loss), and they had an asset they could sell at the end of college.  Or a place to let the kid live after graduation, if the kid wanted to stay in that area, for low rent (which the kid could then offset by continuing to rent rooms if they wanted to). 

[GuitarStv]

I've had several friends whose kids went to universities too far for them to live at home.  The parents bought a home in the school location.  Child could live there for free or very low rent, but was responsible for finding tenants for the other rooms, collecting rent (and sending to the parents), managing maintenance, etc. 

It seemed to work quite well, and the kid learned a lot about adulting and home ownership.  And the set of parents with whom I discussed specifics said they nearly broke even with the rents, plus they weren't paying for a place for their kids to live (other than the slight net loss), and they had an asset they could sell at the end of college.  Or a place to let the kid live after graduation, if the kid wanted to stay in that area, for low rent (which the kid could then offset by continuing to rent rooms if they wanted to).

I had a friend in university whose parents did that, and things worked out great for them.  The average home price here in Toronto is a little over a million dollars right now, and average home price nation-wide is 670k though.  That is more money than I think I want to plunk down into a house personally.

[Rachel1987]

Just a thought I had while reading through the replies. I have 2 small children, and when I saw "Daycare" my first thought was "That would be amazing".
But do you know what would be even better? Being able to work part time and take care of my children myself. So this might be something to consider. Instead of funding Daycare, fund your children being able to work part time to look after your grandkids (their babies), by replacing some of their income!  Or fund the first year (s) of babies life at home. Like a " maternity leave". I will definitely think about this some more now in the future.

[Frugal Lizard]

We both graduated debt free from university, however, I got through by the skin of my teeth. I was constantly worried about money. I borrowed money during my degree. My Dad paid off the loan when it came time to start payments. It was super nice, but I had gone without dental care for 5 years and only had one pair of jeans for four years. Fortunately holes were in by the time my pants got that worn out. DH had everything he needed.

We earn too much for either of our two to get grants. And my Dad fully funded the RESP from when they were born. And they both got a legacy when he died to use towards education or as I decided until they were 25. After 25 they could use it as they want.

DH and I have made sure they are not worried about money, have housing and dental care, and anything they need for a comfortable life.

DS has graduated and now works full time in engineering. He has proudly figured out his budget to save 15% of his gross. He needed a little help getting set up in a new city, with a used car but he is debt free. But he is only 23.

DD is finishing her third year. She is still debt free. We pay rent, dental care, and for some health stuff not covered by insurance. She will need more money because of health issues and not being STEM inclined. She likes to work, and saves most of her summer employment earnings.

Both of them are responsible and careful. For some reason they are both incredibly frugal and don't spend money on anything DH and I think is frivolous. Neither drink alcohol or coffee. They will buy fast food but never beverages. They buy shoes when their old ones have holes. DH and I are happy to pay for some things now, particularly when they save their own money in their TFSA's and FHSA's.

I will be using my inheritance from my mum's estate to pay for a winter holiday for the next five years between Christmas and New Years for the four of us. If/when there is a significant other, their vacation will be covered as well.

Time with them at home is so short. And we want them to have a good life. They are damned fun. It means that DH and I have to keep working but I like the balance we have found. And when shit happens, I much prefer it's the shit that can be fixed with money. I can figure out a way to get more money.

[Cranky]

Just a thought I had while reading through the replies. I have 2 small children, and when I saw "Daycare" my first thought was "That would be amazing".
But do you know what would be even better? Being able to work part time and take care of my children myself. So this might be something to consider. Instead of funding Daycare, fund your children being able to work part time to look after your grandkids (their babies), by replacing some of their income!  Or fund the first year (s) of babies life at home. Like a " maternity leave". I will definitely think about this some more now in the future.

I see your point and I absolutely support serious parental leave policies, which I’m not holding my breath for. At the same time, there’s a serious financial difference between using my free time for something fun like taking care of my grandkid, and writing a $25k check to maintain a parent at home.

[Cranky]

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

My parents were great. They paid my college entirely, though it was cheap enough in the Olden Days, and I had zero interest in moving back home. I don’t know anyone who did. We all lived in terrible apartments and got terrible jobs.

My parents were also great.  They helped with some of the costs in university and then introduced me to the guest room after I graduated.  It looked a lot like my old room.  I was free to stay there for a few days as a guest, or pay rent to rent a room.  I chose to room with some friends instead.

It has become much more normalized for kids to choose dependence rather than independence today.

More Canadian students are planning on living at home while at university or college than 10 years ago
Nearly half (47%) of all post-secondary students will live at their parent’s home, compared to only 36% in 2013. That is an 11-point difference in the span of 10 years. In contrast, 41% are planning on living away from home in 2023, down from the 47% who planned to live away in 2013. Following graduation from post-secondary, four in ten (36%) will continue to live at home, with 47% staying for 2 years or longer. Of those who plan to live at home post-graduation, one in seven plan to stay for at least 5 years, indicating that the reliance on parents for accommodation will extend well beyond the time that these young adults are in school.

Students are increasingly relying on their parents to manage their finances
Four in ten (43%) students assume their parents will take care of their financial needs, up 14 points in 10 years. In 2013, only 29% had made that assumption, showcasing the increased dependence of students on their parents to fill the gap. Moreover, students continue to first turn to their parents to help develop their financial goals, with almost seven in ten relying on parents in 2023 (69%) and 2013 (68%).

- https://www.ipsos.com/en-ca/nearly-half-of-canadian-post-secondary-students-will-live-at-parents-home-while-going-to-school-up-11-points-since-2013

This is concerning, suggesting to me that perspectives and expectations have changed quite a lot since we were in university.

I think that middle class living standards have changed a lot and nobody wants to live there n the kind of graduate student housing that we put up with. Lol And also, people get married so much later now. So many of my friends married within a year of leaving college.

[Villanelle]

Just a thought I had while reading through the replies. I have 2 small children, and when I saw "Daycare" my first thought was "That would be amazing".
But do you know what would be even better? Being able to work part time and take care of my children myself. So this might be something to consider. Instead of funding Daycare, fund your children being able to work part time to look after your grandkids (their babies), by replacing some of their income!  Or fund the first year (s) of babies life at home. Like a " maternity leave". I will definitely think about this some more now in the future.

I see your point and I absolutely support serious parental leave policies, which I’m not holding my breath for. At the same time, there’s a serious financial difference between using my free time for something fun like taking care of my grandkid, and writing a $25k check to maintain a parent at home.

Not to mention that not all parents would prefer to stay home, or stay home part time.  Either because that's not their thing, or because they don't want to take the likely hit to future career advancement and earnings.  So it might be a nice thing to offer *if* the kid wants to stay home with the grandkid, but even for those who would want to fund this, it may not the grandchild's parent's preference. So much easier to budget potential time, than potential money that might not meet the kid's needs/wants. 

[charis]

Just a thought I had while reading through the replies. I have 2 small children, and when I saw "Daycare" my first thought was "That would be amazing".
But do you know what would be even better? Being able to work part time and take care of my children myself. So this might be something to consider. Instead of funding Daycare, fund your children being able to work part time to look after your grandkids (their babies), by replacing some of their income!  Or fund the first year (s) of babies life at home. Like a " maternity leave". I will definitely think about this some more now in the future.

I see your point and I absolutely support serious parental leave policies, which I’m not holding my breath for. At the same time, there’s a serious financial difference between using my free time for something fun like taking care of my grandkid, and writing a $25k check to maintain a parent at home.

Not to mention that as a new parent, I would never take a 25k (or whatever) "salary" from my children's grandparents so I could stay home with the kids.  I perhaps have an unnatural independence or aversion to taking $$ from my parents, in general but especially for a specific purpose like the care or education of my own children.  There's an ick factor there.

[GuitarStv]

Just a thought I had while reading through the replies. I have 2 small children, and when I saw "Daycare" my first thought was "That would be amazing".
But do you know what would be even better? Being able to work part time and take care of my children myself. So this might be something to consider. Instead of funding Daycare, fund your children being able to work part time to look after your grandkids (their babies), by replacing some of their income!  Or fund the first year (s) of babies life at home. Like a " maternity leave". I will definitely think about this some more now in the future.

I see your point and I absolutely support serious parental leave policies, which I’m not holding my breath for. At the same time, there’s a serious financial difference between using my free time for something fun like taking care of my grandkid, and writing a $25k check to maintain a parent at home.

Not to mention that as a new parent, I would never take a 25k (or whatever) "salary" from my children's grandparents so I could stay home with the kids.  I perhaps have an unnatural independence or aversion to taking $$ from my parents, in general but especially for a specific purpose like the care or education of my own children.  There's an ick factor there.

It's a nice idea . . . but I can think of a lot of careers where taking that much time off would likely result in loss of job and then make getting back in afterwards pretty tough.

[Rachel1987]

Apologies, I am fairly new at posting and don't know how to quote yet.

I understand your very valid points and may have to add that I am in Europe, where the situation in regards to parental leave and careers as well as flexible working is quite different. For me, I know for example that if I work one day less, it costs me 10k gross a year, so it would be fairly easy to sort something out - compared to the cost of university for example. Similarly, it's normal to stay home with your children in some countries until they are going to school so not such a big issue career wise. Adding to this that my parents are living in my home country and my inlaws are living 2 hours away ( which is getting more and more normal), the grandparents simply don't have the option to invest time regularly, which obviously would also be preferential.

I also understand that some parents prefer to go to work, babies and toddlers can be quite boring.

Someone posted above about not liking to get support for their kids in that way. I am completely the opposite. I would hate if my parents spend money on me or my wedding for example. And I am perfectly able to provide for my children. But if they (reasonably, not spoiling) want to spend their money on them, which gives them so much joy, I will let them. I am sure that is what I would want for my grandchildren.

This is all quite personal and circumstantial of course, so YMMV, but as a Working Mum of 2, an extra day off with my children would be the best gift someone could make me! :-)

[roomtempmayo]

Given the current state of things in the USA, I worry a bit about what our daughter's future will look like. It seems like some folks struggle as adults through no fault of their own.

Yeah, I've seen too many good, hardworking people struggle through some combination of wrong place/wrong skills/wrong time to be confident that a hard working high school kid will land on their feet with minimal financial help from their parents. 

Lots of folks are on this board because they're generally optimists who think things will get better and things will work out.

I'm exactly the opposite: I'm here because I don't have faith that things will always work out, but sometimes when they don't money can be the best way to fix it. 

[rothwem]

The short answer for me is I'll help them as much I can without tanking myself. 

My parents were incredibly generous in paying for my college and my apartment while I was there, I graduated with zero debt and it helped me to start out with a positive net worth.  My friends who had to first dig themselves out of >100k in debt are still doing it in their mid-30s.  With that said, my friends that had even more assistance than me are doing even better than me.  I'm sure there's a long list of deadbeats from affluent families, but I've found that in my personal experience, the people I know that had more help are doing better than people that got less. 

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

For what its worth, even though my parents paid for everything I needed and most of what I wanted, they made it extremely clear that everything I had was because of them and I needed to stay in line to keep receiving help.  It irritated the shit out of me at the time, but it was strong motivation to not be under their umbrella any more than humanly possible. 

[GuitarStv]

The short answer for me is I'll help them as much I can without tanking myself. 

My parents were incredibly generous in paying for my college and my apartment while I was there, I graduated with zero debt and it helped me to start out with a positive net worth.  My friends who had to first dig themselves out of >100k in debt are still doing it in their mid-30s.  With that said, my friends that had even more assistance than me are doing even better than me.  I'm sure there's a long list of deadbeats from affluent families, but I've found that in my personal experience, the people I know that had more help are doing better than people that got less. 

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

For what its worth, even though my parents paid for everything I needed and most of what I wanted, they made it extremely clear that everything I had was because of them and I needed to stay in line to keep receiving help.  It irritated the shit out of me at the time, but it was strong motivation to not be under their umbrella any more than humanly possible.

You graduated with zero debt and your parents paid for your school/apartment.  What form exactly did the support take that the friends who received more support than you?

[Nadia Edits]

You graduated with zero debt and your parents paid for your school/apartment.  What form exactly did the support take that the friends who received more support than you?

I have a friend whose parents bought her an entire house, mortgage-free, so it does happen!

[Villanelle]

The short answer for me is I'll help them as much I can without tanking myself. 

My parents were incredibly generous in paying for my college and my apartment while I was there, I graduated with zero debt and it helped me to start out with a positive net worth.  My friends who had to first dig themselves out of >100k in debt are still doing it in their mid-30s.  With that said, my friends that had even more assistance than me are doing even better than me.  I'm sure there's a long list of deadbeats from affluent families, but I've found that in my personal experience, the people I know that had more help are doing better than people that got less. 

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

For what its worth, even though my parents paid for everything I needed and most of what I wanted, they made it extremely clear that everything I had was because of them and I needed to stay in line to keep receiving help.  It irritated the shit out of me at the time, but it was strong motivation to not be under their umbrella any more than humanly possible.

You graduated with zero debt and your parents paid for your school/apartment.  What form exactly did the support take that the friends who received more support than you?

You really can't think of any form of support beyond paying for college and shelter during college?  How about paying all expenses during college, not just rent and tuition? How about paying rent after college, giving a down payment for a house, or giving a house?  How about giving $50k to get started?  How about getting the kid a prestigious job they'd never have otherwise gotten?  Giving a car?  Letting them live at home rent-free after college? Annual gifts at holidays of four- or even five-figures?  Paying for graduate or doctoral tuition, and living expenses during advanced degrees? Lending money, interest free, for a house purchase?     

With the exception of "giving a house", I know people who got all of these forms of support. (Not all to one person, but all of the forms, across multiple people).  It doesn't seem hard at all to come up with additional forms of financial support. 

[GuitarStv]

The short answer for me is I'll help them as much I can without tanking myself. 

My parents were incredibly generous in paying for my college and my apartment while I was there, I graduated with zero debt and it helped me to start out with a positive net worth.  My friends who had to first dig themselves out of >100k in debt are still doing it in their mid-30s.  With that said, my friends that had even more assistance than me are doing even better than me.  I'm sure there's a long list of deadbeats from affluent families, but I've found that in my personal experience, the people I know that had more help are doing better than people that got less. 

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

For what its worth, even though my parents paid for everything I needed and most of what I wanted, they made it extremely clear that everything I had was because of them and I needed to stay in line to keep receiving help.  It irritated the shit out of me at the time, but it was strong motivation to not be under their umbrella any more than humanly possible.

You graduated with zero debt and your parents paid for your school/apartment.  What form exactly did the support take that the friends who received more support than you?

You really can't think of any form of support beyond paying for college and shelter during college?  How about paying all expenses during college, not just rent and tuition? How about paying rent after college, giving a down payment for a house, or giving a house?  How about giving $50k to get started?  How about getting the kid a prestigious job they'd never have otherwise gotten?  Giving a car?  Letting them live at home rent-free after college? Annual gifts at holidays of four- or even five-figures?  Paying for graduate or doctoral tuition, and living expenses during advanced degrees? Lending money, interest free, for a house purchase?     

With the exception of "giving a house", I know people who got all of these forms of support. (Not all to one person, but all of the forms, across multiple people).  It doesn't seem hard at all to come up with additional forms of financial support.

No, I can think of tons of other forms of support . . . from buying a car/house, to letting the kid live at home for a decade plus, to ensuring that they have a cushy management job with no real responsibilities at the family business.  Support can take many different forms - that's why I was asking.

I do believe that as costs go up and the parent shoulders more and more of the responsibility of being an adult for the child that something is probably lost for most children.  Like, if my parents bought me a house, car, bought me a nice degree that I couldn't fail out of no matter how hard I tried, and then lined me up with cushy job after cushy job right out of school with a couple hundred mil in play money . . . I could be the president of the United States.  But I'd also be a petulant child without any understanding of the normal struggles that people have to go through, a pile of trophy wives bought from Eastern European countries, a total lack of empathy, and a massively overinflated view of my intelligence and ability as a leader.

[rothwem]

The short answer for me is I'll help them as much I can without tanking myself. 

My parents were incredibly generous in paying for my college and my apartment while I was there, I graduated with zero debt and it helped me to start out with a positive net worth.  My friends who had to first dig themselves out of >100k in debt are still doing it in their mid-30s.  With that said, my friends that had even more assistance than me are doing even better than me.  I'm sure there's a long list of deadbeats from affluent families, but I've found that in my personal experience, the people I know that had more help are doing better than people that got less. 

It's totally fine to support your kid, and it is what I'm planning to do.  Especially during university I can see doing this in a big way, and maybe until they land a job.

That said, everyone should have concerns about making it a little too comfy at home.  If I was twenty two years old, out of university, living at home, getting meals made for me by mom, sometimes having other people do my laundry, not having to pay for a cell phone, not having to pay for a car, not having to pay rent . . . I would never have left home.  It's 50-50 whether I would have actually saved very much of that money (that I would be rolling in having no expenses) or blown it on stupid shit.  I definitely wouldn't be motivated to hustle out of my comfort zone looking for better employment.  But also . . . I would not feel good about me.  When you're financially dependent upon your parents and your living situation hasn't changed at all since elementary school, you must know deep down that you are still a child.  At the same time you also know that you should be an adult . . . but why would anyone accept uncomfortable responsibility if they don't need to?  Be compassionate, (and at the risk of sounding ultra-right wing here) be cognizant of the fact that too much help is a thing, and can be a detriment on multiple levels.

For what its worth, even though my parents paid for everything I needed and most of what I wanted, they made it extremely clear that everything I had was because of them and I needed to stay in line to keep receiving help.  It irritated the shit out of me at the time, but it was strong motivation to not be under their umbrella any more than humanly possible.

You graduated with zero debt and your parents paid for your school/apartment.  What form exactly did the support take that the friends who received more support than you?

I guess the best example was one of my friends that didn’t make it into grad school on the first try. Rather than forcing him to get a job flipping burgers, he took his time finding a job that offered relevant experience while living in his own apartment that his parents paid for until he could reapply. He eventually made it in the next time and he’s killing it, no doubt in part because of that relevant experience.

I feel like not a lot of parents would do that. Maybe mine would have? I don’t know.

[charis]

 
How about paying all expenses during college, not just rent and tuition? How about paying rent after college, giving a down payment for a house, or giving a house?  How about giving $50k to get started?  How about getting the kid a prestigious job they'd never have otherwise gotten?  Giving a car?  Letting them live at home rent-free after college? Annual gifts at holidays of four- or even five-figures?  Paying for graduate or doctoral tuition, and living expenses during advanced degrees? Lending money, interest free, for a house purchase?

There are wildly varying degrees of what is mentioned here.  Living at home after college rent free for a few months to a year and helping a new grad buy a beater car is still generous not a particularly large outlay of economic support.

[Frugal Lizard]

There are also some life events that require more help for one offspring over another. And having the money for those bad things is what I will most certainly do.

Break up with the love of your life 6 weeks after you relocate to a new city 200 miles away? Mom and dad will for sure help you find a new apartment for one. 

Have a medical emergency 400 miles away - Dad will jump on a plane and rent a car and bring you home while Mom keeps a phone line open with you and stand in carers.

Were driving and get hit so that the family car is totaled? Once for each kid, neither at fault. But sure Mom and Dad are coming to get you on scene or at the hospital and doing all the advocacy with the authorities and the insurance company and still with the health care providers to help you get healthy again.

A 23 year old may be able to drink, vote, procreate, marry but their brains really can't handle ALL the stuff. And they still need a lot of help despite being responsible, thoughtful, hard working and intelligent people.