Author Topic: Can parents opine on the neediness of their 1-2 year olds?  (Read 8676 times)

KBCB

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Re: Can parents opine on the neediness of their 1-2 year olds?
« Reply #100 on: September 28, 2019, 07:02:13 AM »
This is an interesting post. Children can be the same and yet very different. I have a son and he is as independent as he can be. Children need constant supervision until they are over three and even then it needs to be safe (children still swallow  small objects until 5 years old, including but not limited to stuffing stuff in noses and ears). As my son is 2.5 we have seen the first few stages and although it is super challenging at times it is rewarding in so many ways.

Think about not the immediate hardship of an infant but your future. Do you want a child, do you see yourself with a bigger family. If the answer is yes, its worth the hard work. If the answer is no then don't have the kid.

For what its worth we are thinking of a second child and going through this similar discussion (minus the travel and being fired).

princeradar

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Re: Can parents opine on the neediness of their 1-2 year olds?
« Reply #101 on: September 28, 2019, 07:18:31 AM »
It's good that you are asking this.  I see a lot of good advice in this thread.  My wife and I have a 2.5 year old daughter, and although we both love her dearly, it is not easy some days.  Kids need a lot of attention and it will soak up most of your free time.  We also don't allow her any screen time so that increases the amount of time we need to play and entertain her.  You always have to keep in mind, their minds are developing and when thy cry, that's their response to being frustrated.  If you have family that can help out, it makes it a lot easier.  If Grandma or Grampa can come over a few hours when you need a break it will make it much easier.  Don't feel guilty about needing a break:)

You will mourn the freedom you had in your old life, my wife and I talk about that often.  However, it's also been an amazing experience and watching them grow and experience new things is amazing.  Don't let anyone push you into this, my wife and I both agree, if we chose not to have kids, life would still be good.  Anything worth doing takes sacrifice.

Laura33

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Re: Can parents opine on the neediness of their 1-2 year olds?
« Reply #102 on: October 01, 2019, 11:19:40 AM »
OK, some thoughts from (almost) the other side of things:

1.  Some kids are easy, some kids are tough.  You have no control over which one you get.

2.  There are as many different types of parenting styles as there are kids.  The key is finding the style that works with the kid you have.

3.  Luckily, humans have big brains and are readily adaptable.  The key is to be flexible about it, and have the humility to admit that you may not know it all and that there isn't only one "right" way.  The right way is that one that results in a healthy, happy family.  Period.

4.  You can live whatever kind of life you want with kids, including full-time travel if you want.

5.  People here are, in general, tremendously well-suited to handle parenting, if they so choose.  Because they are creative and independent enough to chart a course different than most of society, and flexible and self-confident enough to change that course when needed.

6.  IME, people with one special-needs child may be overprotective with their other kid(s).  So that may not be an ideal example to judge from.

7.  Also IME, all of the parenting styles within the realm of reason result in pretty good, normal kids.  Barring abuse, the biggest issue is when there is a huge disconnect between the kid's needs and the parent's natural style, and the parent is very "respect my authori-tay" and refuses to even consider changing.  So if you avoid being quite so full of yourself, your kid's most likely going to be fine.

8.  Whatever you do, keep your sense of humor intact.  Because it is all fundamentally absurd.

Look, I have two.  The first was a giant PITA whose terrible twos went from 13 mos. to 42 mos., who couldn't tolerate being out of my sight for even a second, who was ADHD basically from birth, and who never. shut. up.*  I was a pretty hands-off, no-nonsense parent, and BOY did none of that work with her; she was basically a remora.  My second was a big, cute, fluffy marshmallow, who was happy to play quietly by himself from day 1 -- if I'd had him first, I'd have thought I was the best parent ever.

With my first, I worked harder than I ever had in my life to try to figure her out -- and I mean, harder than studying for the Bar exam in two different states.  I spent probably what amounts to months of my life worrying about her.  When she was 12, all I could think was this kid is never going to be able to move out of my house, hold a job, and function independently.  And yet the older she got, the better her grades got, the more independent she became, and the happier she became as I trusted her to make her own decisions.  And now here she is off at college, managing 100% of her shit on her own.

Obviously, she's not your kid, so there's no reason you should care.  But I say this for one simple reason:  she is what I am most proud of in my life.  Not because she is perfect or wonderful, but because she is not.  Because she made me stretch and learn more than anything else I had ever done in my life (again, including entire legal career).  Because it was hard as shit -- and I figured it out.  Yes, I screwed up -- daily, hourly -- along the way.  But she and I navigated it, and I played a part in helping grow an adult, despite serious doubts that that would ever happen at several points along the way. 

Part of what MMM talks about is the satisfaction of pushing yourself, of learning new things, of dealing with temporary discomfort for long-term growth.  I have gotten more of that from parenting my DD than from anything else I have ever done.  And that's why I wouldn't trade any of it, even if I could.

(And here I am patting myself on the back for being such an awsome parent, and now my formerly-easygoing DS is 13 and starting to act out in a completely different way, so now I get to go back to square 1 and learn an entire new set of parenting skills.  Oh joy. . . .)

*Talk about showering on your own?  I had to put her on the bathroom floor and play peek-a-boo around the shower wall; this is kinda mean, but sometimes I'd pop out and back on purpose to make the crying start and stop and start and stop.  Made me laugh every time.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Can parents opine on the neediness of their 1-2 year olds?
« Reply #103 on: October 01, 2019, 02:32:43 PM »
I loved that post, thank you. I count myself lucky that ToddlerSLTD is not my friend's toddler. Not because my friend has an awful toddler (she's super cute and perky!) But because the luck of the draw meant that I got a child who cried today because some strangers looked at him, rather than the child who has to be physically dragged away from making friends with everyone on the planet.

You don't get to pick which kind of child you get, you just pray you get one you know how to handle. I can handle cripplingly shy. Boundless energy would kill me. But I'm pretty sure my friend feels the same way!

Hula Hoop

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Re: Can parents opine on the neediness of their 1-2 year olds?
« Reply #104 on: October 01, 2019, 02:44:52 PM »
You don't get to pick which kind of child you get, you just pray you get one you know how to handle. I can handle cripplingly shy. Boundless energy would kill me. But I'm pretty sure my friend feels the same way!

As luck would have it - I got one of each. Cripplingly shy older kid and energizer bunny extrovert younger kid. 

shelivesthedream

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Re: Can parents opine on the neediness of their 1-2 year olds?
« Reply #105 on: October 02, 2019, 04:35:40 AM »
You don't get to pick which kind of child you get, you just pray you get one you know how to handle. I can handle cripplingly shy. Boundless energy would kill me. But I'm pretty sure my friend feels the same way!

As luck would have it - I got one of each. Cripplingly shy older kid and energizer bunny extrovert younger kid.

Don't! I'm pregnant with #2 right now! :)

Frugal Lizard

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Re: Can parents opine on the neediness of their 1-2 year olds?
« Reply #106 on: October 02, 2019, 05:51:56 AM »
You don't get to pick which kind of child you get, you just pray you get one you know how to handle. I can handle cripplingly shy. Boundless energy would kill me. But I'm pretty sure my friend feels the same way!

As luck would have it - I got one of each. Cripplingly shy older kid and energizer bunny extrovert younger kid.

Don't! I'm pregnant with #2 right now! :)
  You will handle the child you get.  You learn as you go. 

tyrannostache

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Re: Can parents opine on the neediness of their 1-2 year olds?
« Reply #107 on: October 02, 2019, 09:48:38 AM »
I wanted to circle back to this topic with some final observations now that our friends are back home and have resumed parenting duties.

I solidly believe now that some of the struggles I see them going through are entirely self-inflicted. While they were away we had to watch a 13-month old for 8 days and we were much more hands off than they were. We didn't pick the baby up every time he wanted to be held, we didn't redirect him every time he couldn't do something, etc. And it was all fine. We were still attentive but you could see just in that week that he was learning to fuss at us less and become a little more independent. Now that they are home and hovering he is back to fussing all the time about something because their reaction to that fussing has reinforced the idea that if he fusses someone else will do the thing he wants for him.

It has been great to see this change directly because it does a lot to allay my fears that this is just they way having a 1 year old is.

I very much appreciated all the input from my fellow Mustachians!

Reaching back a few weeks to opine on this comment. I wouldn't read overly much into parenting style based on the the toddler's behavior with you. Toddlers are especially prone to fussing more at their parents than at non-parents. Parent the way that works for you, but don't judge your friends' parenting style based on a one-week sample alone.

Around 9-18 months, this happened a number of times with my older kid: she would be happy as a clam at daycare UNTIL I showed up. The moment she saw me, she would lose her shit. It didn't seem to be because she was sad to leave or had trouble with transitions--she wasn't trying to cling to anyone else there. I finally figured out it was because she had just been holding some things in all day. Her dad and I were the people with whom she could just let loose.

jpdx

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Re: Can parents opine on the neediness of their 1-2 year olds?
« Reply #108 on: October 07, 2019, 12:50:04 AM »
As a parent of a toddler, I consider it a small personal victory if I get to take a shower every other day.

trashtalk

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Re: Can parents opine on the neediness of their 1-2 year olds?
« Reply #109 on: October 14, 2019, 07:18:00 PM »
Every child and every parent-child dyad is a totally original and distinct thing.

Don't worry about having a baby until you have a *specific* baby.

StarBright

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Re: Can parents opine on the neediness of their 1-2 year olds?
« Reply #110 on: October 14, 2019, 08:01:24 PM »
As a parent of a toddler, I consider it a small personal victory if I get to take a shower every other day.

I don't know if you ever watched Parks and Rec - but every time I say I'm going to shower my husband still says "Treat Yo Self!". We haven't had a toddler for several years :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59lVs4dD4eM