Hello good MMM people. I’m 14 weeks with twins…. FTM. And need some logistical brains to weigh in, poke holes, give me questions to think about. Or maybe just reassurance…
TL;DR:
1) Can I survive raising twins with very little to no help during the first 6-8 months of life? (and/or, give me permission to spend the money on a nanny even if I end up staying home)
2) Reassurance that this is one of those scenarios where frugality and life happiness might mean hiring the nanny and the college student to clean the house and paying for lots of convenience.
SO and I have been doing long distance since June 2020 – which has been super easy with COVID. I’m supposed to be in the office one day a week, so to visit him for two weeks is a piece of cake. Long distance will be done next June. Hes 37 and I’m 33, getting pregnant and taking parental leave the last 6 months of the long distance was why we started trying when talk of “returning to the office full time” started to pick up… twins, and so quickly, was a big surprise.
SO is in his last year of residency, so while he does get up to 6 weeks of parental leave, once that’s done he’ll be working 60-80 hours a week most likely. I currently live within 30 minutes of mom, stepdad, dad, stepmom, sister, brother in law, plus extended family, high school friends, college friends, etc. There’s lots of resource support where he is, but most of them are also having kids and while they’d be great emotional support and folks to ask questions of, they aren’t going to feed the kids a bottle at 2am so I can sleep. Parents are willing to come down to help, but probably for more like a week or two here and there, not a month.
So, here’s my current plan:
Multiple OBs have suggested that if I’m going to move, I move by week 20-24 at the latest. We are getting married week 22. Right now the baby registry is set up to ship everything to his house, I’m planning on moving around that time, do third trimester there, deliver there, do his parental leave together there. Then have parents visit and support starting when he goes back to work to stretch out the support as long as possible. Then see how I’m managing.
When I talk to people who are already parents (as in, my parents, my therapist – although that could have been in a devil’s advocate way), I get a lot of “why wouldn’t you just stay here and have the twins where you have all the support, already have established medical care, etc?” – Am I crazy for thinking that’s a rude way to bring twins into our lives? “Here’s daddy! Now wave goodbye for the next 6 months!” I know military families have to do this, but I can’t imagine doing this in my own circumstances. Am I seriously missing how hard this is going to be? Worst case scenario sure, I can move back home somehow with two month old twins and baby stuff for two and get family support then if I NEED it… But I suppose we’d get nanny help and a house cleaner and all those types of things before we decided to separate kids from daddy.
This is ignoring the question of whether work will allow me to start working remotely full time starting in August – I presume they will, they’ll be angry about it, and this is the perfect example of why FU money is THE MOST AMAZING THING IN THE WORLD. (Not to mention the high risk doc was like lol you could be on bed rest before that point.) (Also we have a parental leave status that I can enter into 6 months BEFORE giving birth – I would obviously have to quit after giving birth, but, hey, spread out the pay checks, retirement contributions, etc). And besides, what is MMM for if it’s not to have the flexibility to quit your job when nature surprises you with freakin’ twins?
And some money details, in case they are helpful –
- He has ~$260k in SL that are all federal (haven’t been paying)
- We have ~$90k in cash between the two of us
- I also have over $110k in a 457 that would be available if I quit
- He rents and I own – we’d continue paying for both but looking into a renter for mine. In a co-op so not as easy as you might think, but I definitely want to move back into this house when he’s done (see: grandparents)
- This means we’d be operating in the red by at least $1k monthly, probably more like $2k since I hadn’t factored in SL payments starting again when I made the babies are here budget.
So – plenty of cash to get through this year if I end up quitting and spending all the money on help. Not ideal, but, then he’ll make more than we currently make combined, and isn’t all of this frugality about making sure that we have the flexibility to have the best life possible without the financial stress of not having financial flexibility to handle what life throws at us? I think some of this is just seeking permission for the expense of a nanny even if I'm staying home if I'm being honest.
Honestly, just writing this out was helpful. Realizing how many contingencies I've tried to plan for when we're only 14 weeks in... I can probably chill out. But I'm so not good at that. I want to know what all my options are and rank them before I talk to my supervisor.