Learning, Sharing, and Teaching > Mini Money Mustaches
FTM, Twins, Long Distance... Feedback & Reassurance needed!
Tig_:
Hello good MMM people. I’m 14 weeks with twins…. FTM. And need some logistical brains to weigh in, poke holes, give me questions to think about. Or maybe just reassurance…
TL;DR:
1) Can I survive raising twins with very little to no help during the first 6-8 months of life? (and/or, give me permission to spend the money on a nanny even if I end up staying home)
2) Reassurance that this is one of those scenarios where frugality and life happiness might mean hiring the nanny and the college student to clean the house and paying for lots of convenience.
SO and I have been doing long distance since June 2020 – which has been super easy with COVID. I’m supposed to be in the office one day a week, so to visit him for two weeks is a piece of cake. Long distance will be done next June. Hes 37 and I’m 33, getting pregnant and taking parental leave the last 6 months of the long distance was why we started trying when talk of “returning to the office full time” started to pick up… twins, and so quickly, was a big surprise.
SO is in his last year of residency, so while he does get up to 6 weeks of parental leave, once that’s done he’ll be working 60-80 hours a week most likely. I currently live within 30 minutes of mom, stepdad, dad, stepmom, sister, brother in law, plus extended family, high school friends, college friends, etc. There’s lots of resource support where he is, but most of them are also having kids and while they’d be great emotional support and folks to ask questions of, they aren’t going to feed the kids a bottle at 2am so I can sleep. Parents are willing to come down to help, but probably for more like a week or two here and there, not a month.
So, here’s my current plan:
Multiple OBs have suggested that if I’m going to move, I move by week 20-24 at the latest. We are getting married week 22. Right now the baby registry is set up to ship everything to his house, I’m planning on moving around that time, do third trimester there, deliver there, do his parental leave together there. Then have parents visit and support starting when he goes back to work to stretch out the support as long as possible. Then see how I’m managing.
When I talk to people who are already parents (as in, my parents, my therapist – although that could have been in a devil’s advocate way), I get a lot of “why wouldn’t you just stay here and have the twins where you have all the support, already have established medical care, etc?” – Am I crazy for thinking that’s a rude way to bring twins into our lives? “Here’s daddy! Now wave goodbye for the next 6 months!” I know military families have to do this, but I can’t imagine doing this in my own circumstances. Am I seriously missing how hard this is going to be? Worst case scenario sure, I can move back home somehow with two month old twins and baby stuff for two and get family support then if I NEED it… But I suppose we’d get nanny help and a house cleaner and all those types of things before we decided to separate kids from daddy.
This is ignoring the question of whether work will allow me to start working remotely full time starting in August – I presume they will, they’ll be angry about it, and this is the perfect example of why FU money is THE MOST AMAZING THING IN THE WORLD. (Not to mention the high risk doc was like lol you could be on bed rest before that point.) (Also we have a parental leave status that I can enter into 6 months BEFORE giving birth – I would obviously have to quit after giving birth, but, hey, spread out the pay checks, retirement contributions, etc). And besides, what is MMM for if it’s not to have the flexibility to quit your job when nature surprises you with freakin’ twins?
And some money details, in case they are helpful –
- He has ~$260k in SL that are all federal (haven’t been paying)
- We have ~$90k in cash between the two of us
- I also have over $110k in a 457 that would be available if I quit
- He rents and I own – we’d continue paying for both but looking into a renter for mine. In a co-op so not as easy as you might think, but I definitely want to move back into this house when he’s done (see: grandparents)
- This means we’d be operating in the red by at least $1k monthly, probably more like $2k since I hadn’t factored in SL payments starting again when I made the babies are here budget.
So – plenty of cash to get through this year if I end up quitting and spending all the money on help. Not ideal, but, then he’ll make more than we currently make combined, and isn’t all of this frugality about making sure that we have the flexibility to have the best life possible without the financial stress of not having financial flexibility to handle what life throws at us? I think some of this is just seeking permission for the expense of a nanny even if I'm staying home if I'm being honest.
Honestly, just writing this out was helpful. Realizing how many contingencies I've tried to plan for when we're only 14 weeks in... I can probably chill out. But I'm so not good at that. I want to know what all my options are and rank them before I talk to my supervisor.
ixtap:
Personally, I know I would choose my husband over other support systems. However, I also know people who would do the opposite. Only you can decide which is best for your family.
While it is good to know your options, if you like your career, then it is best to start with "Look, life changes are coming, we know I can do this remotely, work with me here."
JROH:
Twin mom here. You can do it. I would want to be near my partner during the early months too. You are getting good advice about moving quickly as you never know what will happen in a multiples situation. It sounds like you are thinking of the right things. Interview a few nannies or babysitters or night nurses. Get a list of names going and if you need them bring them in without hesitation. We had some family support but not a lot. I had my MIL up one day a week for a few hours and my mom fly in for a week at a time- I think she came three or four times in the first six months. Other than that just my husband and I. I did end up leaving work...twins are a lot...but I had already been wanting to try the stay at home route. Getting a house cleaner and someone in to help you a few days a week for a few hours Would be great! My biggest blessing was finding a great lactation consultant to help with nursing....she was worth every penny! Just be flexible....your needs will vary based on different stages of the babies lives and be prepared to transition and ask for help when you need it! Also, you and your partner will find out what you are good at in term of parenting, what you like to do and what you don’t like to do. By all means, leverage your financial position to make your life easier in those first few months.
Tig_:
--- Quote from: JROH on June 08, 2021, 06:21:37 PM ---Twin mom here. You can do it. I would want to be near my partner during the early months too. You are getting good advice about moving quickly as you never know what will happen in a multiples situation. It sounds like you are thinking of the right things. Interview a few nannies or babysitters or night nurses. Get a list of names going and if you need them bring them in without hesitation. We had some family support but not a lot. I had my MIL up one day a week for a few hours and my mom fly in for a week at a time- I think she came three or four times in the first six months. Other than that just my husband and I. I did end up leaving work...twins are a lot...but I had already been wanting to try the stay at home route. Getting a house cleaner and someone in to help you a few days a week for a few hours Would be great! My biggest blessing was finding a great lactation consultant to help with nursing....she was worth every penny! Just be flexible....your needs will vary based on different stages of the babies lives and be prepared to transition and ask for help when you need it! Also, you and your partner will find out what you are good at in term of parenting, what you like to do and what you don’t like to do. By all means, leverage your financial position to make your life easier in those first few months.
--- End quote ---
Thank you! This is so helpful to know that you made it work with sounds like similar levels of support that I'll be getting. And good to know what I'm thinking about the right things. Trying to prioritize things that make all aspects of life easier, not just babies, has been one thing that seems to consistently rise as being helpful from a few different types of folks.
--- Quote from: ixtap on June 08, 2021, 01:37:38 PM ---Personally, I know I would choose my husband over other support systems. However, I also know people who would do the opposite. Only you can decide which is best for your family.
--- End quote ---
This is a good point too - I've been so taken aback by the comments I forget that everyone has their own "thing" and perceptions of hard and helpful. And yeah, work has no idea what a multiples pregnancy is going to look like... they won't know what hit them. hahaha
shelivesthedream:
I might have misunderstood, but your concern with staying near your support system is that your babies would meet their dad and then not see him again for months as he'd be working in his usual place? And your concern with moving is that it'll be just you and him with no support system? But that if you do move, he'll be working 60-80 hour weeks after the first six weeks.
Honestly, your husband might not see the kids awake much for a long time, if that's the case. He'll be gone before they get up and back after they've gone to bed. He might be there to give the babies a bottle at 2am, but the days will be loooooooong without him.
That said, there's often a lot going on to help new mums make friends. Can you do some research in SO's area now?
And only you can know this, but how helpful are your current network going to be REALLY?
I'd be thinking about how you can retain maximum flexibility, so you can basically have the babies and keep your options open before committing. You might get champion sleepers, you might not. Your family might be really helpful or they might actually not do anything that useful. You might find some great new parents friends in SO's area or you might not.
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