I used to have good relationships with my niece and nephew who have logged countless free babysitting hours. . .
Of course the parents are in top 3% earnings bracket, but I was primed to make more than my brother when I left. . .
Well, I think some of this is coming from the parents who are too tactful to express their distaste to my face.
Are you holding a grudge? Over free babysitting? Or whatever the backstory and current state is with your respective incomes? Is it the parents you're more upset with than the kids?
But as the kids grew, they became more and more, I don't know, critical and confused and embarrassed?
the kids are wholesale consumers. My car isn't nice enough, my clothes/ decorations arent nice enough (guilty but more because I don't care about that), I don't go on expensive vacations (been there done that). One of the battles that got tiring for me was restaurant choice. . . she spent the entire ride texting her friends like I wasn't even a person.
these kids are strangers as much as the grandmother who constantly told me to get married and have babies. I'll work on that grandma, and then don't see her for another 5 years.
They sound like pretty typical pre-teen/teenagers, especially given your few descriptions of parenting style. Cut them a little slack for not being mature adults yet - (doesn't mean it's ok or acceptable, and you shouldn't communicate to them that it is, just means you recognize that they have limitations).
What does "work on" someone mean to you? Work on building a relationship? Or work on teaching them your point of view? Do you like these kids and want to spend time with them, or not? Are you trying to have a relationship or influence them to live like you? Given various things you say, sometimes you "hate" the kids, sometimes you talk about relationship building stuff, and sometimes you talk about it like they are a project for you to perfect. I am not sure what you really want.
I don't feel like I can demand that she shows an interest in me, you know?
You can. I wouldn't demand it 100% and I would recognize that kids are naturally self-centered and are only learning (with various degrees of success) to extend their focus to others (adults are the same way really, just with hopefully more practice and better success) and I would be sure to also show an interest in her and her interests. But you can have some sort of rule set up that does not allow whatever you feel is an unacceptable level of rudeness.
I don't see her as often as I used to, so it should be easy to come up with conversations about her week, plans, concerns. If I have to force it, why bother?
If you don't see her as often as you used to, it might be all the
harder to come up with conversations. Conversation isn't easy for everyone, couple that with the craziness of being a teenager and not being mature and now trying to relate to your older relative who you see less...forcing it may be necessary to connect, and that's ok.
I guess I'm not ready to write her off, she's smart and works hard in school and is basically a good kid. She just hasn't made the connection between buying stuff and the environment or stress and working too much. I worry more about her brother who isn't doing well in school and seems unlikely to get into the top paying professions. But they live in this bubble where "anything less than 200k means your life is over."
Again, what is your primary goal? Having a relationship with your niece and nephew? Or helping them see your point of view? There may be some overlap and that's ok. But if it's
all about trying to get them to see your point of view and appreciate it, at this time in their lives you will probably just all end up unhappy. If the greater emphasis is on the relationship, then I think you can maintain that, with some work and some just acceptance.
Back to the parents though -
One of my responses to the driving thing is that I will drive to do activities with the kids or family, I will not simply chauffeur them. I can take them to activities I like, or things I want to try out, whether that's hiking or the pool or plays or museums. There's really no reason the kids can't do activities within biking distance of home, or activities that can carpool with other parents in the area.
That's also my response to the restaurant issue, that if the extended family wants to get together for a birthday, hallmark holiday, whatever, let's make an evening of cooking/ grilling and eating at home. The niece (14) is actually good at this, and I told the nephew it was time to step up his game, he can contribute one dish even if its just boiled corn.
Sounds great.
Hi ender, the kids have their own set of rules and expectations they have to follow, but they only answer to mom and dad. It isn't unusual for me to say "your Dad asked me to..." and have the kids make a phone call to confirm that the orders came from above. Then the parents wonder why their free babysitters are ineffective at getting the kids to eat right or do their homework.
If you are the babysitter, you need to have the authority. Yes, you ultimately answer to Mom and Dad and shouldn't be subverting their authority when they are gone, but when you are in charge you have to be able to be in charge. This means a) Mom and Dad have to support that, b) you can carry out consequences. If possible, I would suggest talking to the parents about your frustration and setting some mutually agreed upon rules and consequences. Then you ask the parents to enforce to the children that they need to mind you when you are in charge. If you have pre-agreed upon rules and consequences the parents should feel ok about giving you that authority. You may have to compromise a bit on what
you want the rules to be, but these aren't your kids, you're not the parent, you are just standing in for Mom and Dad, and you should more or less follow their parenting style in major things. That said, you don't have to put up with stuff you are really uncomfortable with. Talk to the parents and if you can't come up with something you can both be ok with, tell them you are not comfortable babysitting under that set-up and discuss that you would still like to have a relationship with the kids but it will have to be when they are around.
Depending on lots of factors this could be a breeze and go great or it could be tricky and sensitive conversations. I would spend some time considering what you want and what you are willing to put up with for it. It sounds like you are pretty committed to family. I think that's awesome and good for you! But boundaries are ok, too - healthy even. Communication is key to not just getting more and more frustrated and cynical. I hope you're able to work things out ok!
