@J Boogie: I have a pretty easygoing #1, so I'm hardly an expert, but I have to ask you three questions. It seems to me like all parenting advice comes down to these and the rest is just details.
1. Are you REALLY communicating your expectations?"How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen" is great on this. How does your kid know what's happening now and when it will end? (Assuming they can't tell the time and barely have a sense of days of the week and also can't read.) How do they know what's happening next and when that will end? How about after that?
We've just done a new schedule for our two and I am in the process of making a picture version for our toddler, Awdry*. (*forum code name. 2.5yo) We try to do things all together as much as possible because it's simpler. We get up and get dressed all together. We have breakfast all together. At snack time, I have my snack too. At nap time, both children (now) go for a nap. Repeat this principle all day long. We have the same routine every day. (We even have the same snack every day, so we actually call it "banana time".) This means it's obvious what's happening now because we're all doing it, and he knows what happens next because it's the same every day. I like this post about devising a schedule, although we are working to clock time more right now as we bed down our new schedule:
https://amotherfarfromhome.com/getting-your-kids-to-cooperate-the-south-african-way/We now have his wooden clock out on our dining table so he can SEE how much time we have left for that meal. (Mucking around at mealtimes was a big problem for us recently.) Kids find it hard to hold long sequences in their head and have no awareness of time or the external pressures that explain WHY we want them to just get on and do it.
I wouldn't be able to get a sensible answer out of Awdry, but maybe at a quiet moment you could ask yours what he thinks the rules in your house are and why you have them. You might be surprised.
I also try to tell Awdry what TO do, not just what NOT to do. E.g. Not "Stop mucking around" but rather "Time to eat some food". Not "Don't wave your food around" but "Food lives on your plate or in your mouth". I think it's a pleasanter way of talking to him and also more effective because it's simpler for him to compute and he doesn't have to guess what I'm secretly thinking.
Uncertainty is the greatest cause of whining. Awdry never whines for snacks the way I understand some kids do. Why? Because snacks happen when I say they happen. We eat snacks together, sitting at the table. BUT also because he KNOWS when snacks will happen. They happen at the same time every day. He knows he can't have one now because it's not snack time but he knows he will have one soon so he doesn't need to worry about it. Occasionally there is a "bonus snack" if there is a special circumstance, e.g. we have a snack while we're out somewhere unusual because I know we'll get home later than usual for lunch and I'm not actually a mean mum.
But he does whine for me to come and play with him because sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no and sometimes he does actually whine me into changing my mind.
2. Are you REALLY communicating what the consequences WILL be?I mean... no, you're not. Your wife is making empty threats and you're telling him he has to come with you in five seconds plus a random number that you determine differently every time.
Imagine you're at work and your boss sees you writing meeting notes in blue biro and goes nuts and screams in front of everyone, "In this company we write in black ink! Black, dammit! If I ever see you write in blue ink again you'll be fired on the spot, do you hear me?" Wow. Seems kinda petty and stupid and you have no idea why but you don't want to get fired, so you make sure you write in black ink. Only one day, you forget and get a blue pen out of the bottom of your bag and start jotting some notes. Your boss comes over at the end of the meeting as asks to see your notes so she can check something. Then she does one of the following:
A) Checks the thing and leaves without mentioning that they're not written in black.
B) Says, "Huh, blue ink again? Better remember next time" and leaves.
C) Says, "Right, you're fired." Marches you to HR. Fills out the paperwork. Then... rips it up and says, "OK, I'm not really firing you. You still have your job. But don't forget about the black ink!"
How likely are you to pay any attention next time she threatens to fire you if you use green post-it notes? Or issues a company-wide memo about black ink? And wouldn't it be a problem if you applied to same attitude to something really important, like fire safety at a nuclear power plant? But she threatens to fire you over everything and you still have your job so whatever, you'll just toss that lit match in there, who even cares.
I hope you can see where I'm going with this. You should also re-read The Boy Who Cried Wolf. When you threaten something and don't follow through, you are the boy. It's only a matter of time before your bluff is called.
I spend a lot of time wrangling with appropriate consequences because I am a big softy. I'm just not going to smack my kid or make him go to bed without his dinner. Pick something your kid cares about that you don't care about. I don't care how many cars are in his car box. He does. So that's my threat. I take a car away (and try to pick his favourite). But I love reading stories to him, so I don't want to take that away so I'm apt to give him too many chances. Pick something you WILL do. In fact, spend some time ASSUMING that you'll end up having to do it every time. Do you heave a great sigh at the idea of enacting the consequence you've threatened, or do you shrug and say, "C'est la vie"?
You should read this post:
https://catholicallyear.com/blog/always-mean-what-you-say-how-of/I also recommend focusing on one behaviour to start with. It might be "Come when called". (Although, on that note, have you tried walking up to him, silently removing whatever he's doing, and taking his hand and leading him where he's supposed to go? If you say, "Time to brush your teeth" rather than "Come over here" then it's not a power struggle about whether he's coming to you or you going to him, it's just that when you say it's time to do something, it IS time to do something.) Last month I was focusing on getting Awdry to say "Please may I" instead of "I want" or "Shall you".
You don't HAVE to get your wife's buy-in on this. Kids are smart. They know that if Daddy says something they'd better hop to it but they can get away with thing with Mummy. I think that's an OK first step, and you can coach your wife once you've got it down.
3. Are you getting overly emotionally involved with the above two? (Plus a bit of a ramble)You say you keep asking and getting more annoyed. What if you just... didn't? Ask once. Give consequence once. Enact consequence. (Mentally) walk away.
Sometimes I get all worked up about stuff I feel I ought to care about but actually don't. It's hard, then, for me to parent. I don't have the energy to mean what I say and take action if necessary. But there's some stuff that will happen come hell or high water and Awdry seems to be able to tell. Sleep is my #1 priority. Mine and theirs. So NOTHING will stop naptime or bedtime. NOTHING. I am willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES. But meals? Ugh, whatever. I put the food on the table, he either eats it or doesn't. Often when we get stuck about something I find it's actually because I don't really care about it. I'm externally motivated by the feeling that I ought to tackle it rather than that I really care.
How much do you care about your son coming when called? Really? Any WHY do you care? I care about sleep because we are all bad people when tired. I think you need to find your own internal motivation here and figure out something you care a lot about that you want to work on first. But then also figure out some consequences you don't care about. Ideally ones that involve LESS action from you. What is your son's favourite thing in the world? "If you do not stand up and come with me right now, X is going away until tomorrow." Occasionally I have removed Awdry's beloved Rabbit. I am truly a monster.
At age four, your son has choices. Sometimes he'll make bad choices. That doesn't mean you're a bad parent and it doesn't have to ruin your day. I had a quick look at Janet Lansbury's website.
If you asked (and they could answer), here are some examples they might offer of baby care that reflect that respect:
Tell me what’s going on
Give me attention
Hear me, don’t just fix me
Let me create and initiate my own activities
Trust me with the truth
You're not telling your son what's going on. Because your words don't reflect reality. You're not trusting him with the truth. You are lying right, left and centre. This was one of the first articles on the site:
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2019/11/our-children-crave-boundaries-permissiveness-is-unkind/This might seem kinda harsh, but I personally think counting down is bullshit. Giving a five minute or one minute warning to give a heads up, sure. It's kind to let them know what's next and when it is. I wouldn't like to be yanked out from something I was really into with no notice. But either they need to do X or stop doing Y or they don't. Especially counting down to stop throwing or whining or whatever. Why is it OK for those five seconds but not afterwards? It's either OK or not OK.
You want to respect your kids. I get that. Me too. So, I often ask myself how I would respond if I were asking my husband to do something. I'd let him know what my plans were, remind him when it was nearly time to go, respect that he might have had other plans and try to work around them, but if it's something time sensitive then sorry we do have to go at X o'clock. I'd expect him to be ready to go when we'd agreed and while I might let him finish a paragraph of his book, I would be really cross if he kept dragging it out "just one more!" until the end of the chapter and made us all late.
Specific adviceThere are clearly loads of different parenting styles here. I'm sure if you wanted to post a play-by-play of a particular scenario, you'd get a lot of advice.
If I were you, I would pick one flashpoint to work on. Maybe start of bedtime routine. I would be very clear in my head what constituted compliance and what didn't, and I would tell my son earlier in the day that "from now on" (magic words in our house) "we are going to do bedtime differently. I need you to get into bed promptly because you need your sleep and I have a lot to do in the evening so you need to be in bed by X. That means we have to start brushing your teeth at Y" (my son believes I am furiously busy all evening. I am not about to disabuse him of this notion. I am very busy eating dinner and reading my book. Very busy indeed) "I am going to give you a five minute warning and a one minute warning. Then, when I tell you to stop playing and come to the bathroom, I need you to stand up and come immediately." (Personally I would be doing the telling to come standing right next to him, not yelling from another room because it's harder to ignore and easier to encact consequence) "If you do not, [insert consequence here]." (I would pick a consequence that happens right away, not in some nebulous 'in fifteen minutes time' story-reading future. If it were me, I would confiscate whatever he was playing with for the next day. "If you can't be trusted to put X away when I tell you to, you can't be trusted to play with it.") "Do you understand?"
Then, at bedtime, I would do what I said. If he didn't come right away, I would pick up the toy, put it away somewhere he can't get it, take him by the hand and lead him into the bathroom. If I had to and physically could, I would pick him up if necessary. I would say NOTHING. (This is the hardest part. You have to be zen-like and impassive on the outside.) But really, what is there to say? You're not going to get the toy out again, you don't have a time machine to help him go back and choose again. The only thing I might say is, once, "I'm not going to change my mind." Be a mountain. You're not a fire for him to fight. You're just there.
Then, the next night, you wipe the slate clean and start again.
If you do read How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen, it has a lot of tips on defusing tension and getting buy-in from your kids by asking them to make suggestions. I do recommend it. But ultimately, you have to ALWAYS MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.