Decision time - add a third child?

[Neustache]

I'm...uhhh...getting old.  Okay, okay, so I'm not old old.  But I'm 34.5 and while I admire and respect people who have kids later, I just am already too tired to have babies much past 35.

We currently have a 6 year old and a 2.5 year old, and I'd really like a third. 

But then I hear things like "the third one did us in" and I get scared! Ha!

So I guess I need to hear it all.  Of course, of course, you love your children.  But how hard was it adding a third?  If you found it a breeze, please speak up!  And of course, my hubby and I are discussing this as well, I'm just wanting input from those who have been there. 

[CommonCents]

No comments, but wow I feel old now at 34.8, with no kids (but wanting them).

I think this is one of those "YMMV" situations.  Everyone will have a different opinion and set of circumstances.  No online board can fully advise you not knowing much of anything of your situation.

[Neustache]

^^Don't feel old, I'm only feeling older because my 2.5 year old JUST started sleeping through the night.  Hahahaha....sleep deprivation will age a person, very, very fast. 

I want more the perspective of people who have done it and what was good/easy/hard etc.  Not really wanting someone to say 'do it' or 'don't do it' but rather give me their experience so I can go into this eyes wide open.

[Cassie]

When I was pregnant with my 3rd (many moons ago) people started to say that I would regret it because we would need a bigger car, wouldn't fit in a hotel room, restaurant booth, etc.  All those comments were stupid.  WE kept driving the same small car, 2 of my kids always shared a room, we would order a roll-away bed when we stayed in a motel, sat at a table instead of a booth, etc.  My kids are all grown & I have never regretted having a third. In fact your kids are around the same ages as mine when we did although I was a lot younger (26) when I had my 3rd.  If I had the choice to do it again I definitely would.  Actually many of my friends had 3 and everyone was glad that they were able to.

[bonjourliz]

:popcorn

I am trying to convince my DH to have a third.  His arguments against it are mainly what Cassie listed.  They all sound silly to me (though I dont take the decision lightly, esp with concerns unique to our family).  Everyone I know ... with 2 kids, 3 kids, more or none ... says they don't see how "it" (whatever they're not doing) can be done.

Sent from my HTC first using Tapatalk

[Neustache]

Thanks, Cassie!  Supposedly there's a car seat that can fit three across - we have a small sedan. I'm hoping we would be able to keep our Versa.   House size isn't an issue (we have a four bed, and even if not we'd just double up!).  So the financial aspects aren't a huge concern for me..although they are a consideration.

How was it....just managing children wise?  I feel like it will probably be hard, especially when the the third is little, but I have the best girl for a large (ha!) family.  She's helpful, she wants siblings (and is so good to the 2 year old) and to be honest, part of this is for her.  I know they say not to do that, but she would be in the Duggar family if she had her druthers! Ha! 

Was there anything that became especially hard when you were dealing with three versus two? 

[Milspecstache]

We had twins for the 3rd so we went from 2 to 4.  It wasn't too bad as we already had a minivan, cribs, clothes, etc.  Our kids are awesome and I wouldn't want it any other way.  Though my wife might tell you how tiring they can sometimes be...  especially when they argue/fight.

So I'm going to be the idiot husband who says it was a breeze!  I wouldn't want to give up the life experience of any of our children!

[Emilyngh]

If you want a third, ignore what people say and have a third.

I'm younger than you are, and the first has done me in.  While I love her and don't regret her for a second, I know I'm 100% done.   

So, for everyone out there scaring you with "the third one did me in" there's someone who the 2nd one did, or first one did, or have 8 and feel invigorated.   Every family is different.   

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

My two kids are currently two and three. For personal reasons that I won't delve too much into, I have spent a considerable amount of time convincing myself that no, I don't really want a third child. These are the reasons I have found compelling:

--People say that going from two to three is the hardest change.
--Teaching a baby to eat solid food (shudders). Pacifiers. Potty training. Nursing in public. Scooping baby formula. Taking bottles apart to wash. Middle of the night feeds. Diaper rash. Sippy cups. Rinsing poopy cloth diapers in the toilet.
--Not being able to ride a bike for a year or more (late pregnancy, then not being able to bring the baby). Then how would I tow three kids on my bike anyway?
--Having to take three kids to three different soccer practices/ballet lessons/Scouts/whatever.
--Supervising three kids' homework in the evenings.
--My husband might have to be institutionalized.
--I just finished a degree program and am thinking of getting a job in my field, if possible.

You might not find any of those reasons compelling, but I thought I might at least share all that hard-won insight :-).

[totoro]

Yes.  If you are a kid person nothing else is going to be as satisfying and interesting.

[abhe8]

Yes.  If you are a kid person nothing else is going to be as satisfying and interesting.

+1

i think going from 1 to 2 was the hardest. (we have 4). go for it....3 little shinning faces are to die for. love them to pieces.

your oldest can learn to ride a bike alone. or you can use an up front bike seat. or make a super long trailer. TONS of options mama. :)

http://gcblog.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/2008/08/07/quicktrip_img_1684_blog_2.jpg

http://svirfamily.wordpress.com/2011/05/15/the-svir-family-train/

[totesmahgoats]

Transitioning from two to three was hardest for me and not for any of the lame reasons people sometimes list. If I had to pinpoint what the difficulty was I'd say that three marked the major shift in our ability to maintain balance and took the longest to recover from. Our youngest is three and I feel like things are starting to return to some sort of normalcy. That said, I wouldn't trade our trio of girls for anything.

[mxt0133]

My wife has brought this up the past few weeks and when we initially got married I was not opposed to more than two children and told her that we'll see if it we can handle it, financially, emotionally, ect.

We have two kids and it was very tough for us and has only started to get easier.  So when the third child subject camp up, all I would think of was what we just went through and add another child to that.  I told her all the same reasons why I did not think it was a good idea that has been mentioned on this thread.  The most important one that I felt was that our second child is not getting the same amount of attention that my first child got and that the third child would get even less.  I felt and still feel guilty about short changing my second child about not spending as much time with him as my first.  But as he has grown my second child just doesn't need as much attention as my first child did.  He is happy to play by himself most of the time and isn't clingy.  So my attitude has changed a bit about spending equal amount of time and resources for each child.  They are all different and it doesn't mean that I love one more than the other because I didn't give them the same amount of attention or gifts.

What changed my mind about a third, we will try in a few months, was one comment I read when I was searching the web for opinions on having a third child.  It basically said don't only picture the first few years of how your family will to be, sleep less nights, diapers, terrible twos, ect.  Also picture how your family will be in the later years, when you can play sports with them, camping, slow traveling, exploring, family holidays when they have their own families, ect.  My wife and I both come from big families and want the same for our kids even if we have to push pack FIRE a few years/decades.

[Neustache]

Thanks for all the input!!! I really do appreciate it!

@frugal paragon - thanks for sharing your list - the only two I find ultra compelling are the homework thing (I could rant about how much I HATE elementary school homework) and that my DH might need to be institutionalized.  Ha!  The other things are pretty short-term (head down power thru) or don't apply to us (we don't do much by way of extra-curricular activities...yet).  But thank you, those are all things I need to think about for sure. 

@mxt0133 - YES!  I think where we both get stuck in this is we just now got to the sweet spot with our youngest - two is where they start to become super fun and easy (yes, there are tantrums, but dang, they are so cute at this age!) so to start over, it just seems overwhelming.  But I want grandkids.  Preferably 6 or so - these may all come from my oldest daughter, ha!  And I want my grandkids to have a good shot at having a number of cousins.  Of course if none of my kids have kids, that's okay, too, but I want the feel of a large family.  I came from 3 girls, my hubby came from 3 boys, and it just feels right to have 3.  I also see my son as not a youngest - he just seems like the middle child!  And I guess I want to see my daughter with a baby while she's older.  She loves them to pieces, and she's so fun with our 2 year old - says he is her best friend and is always cheering him on when he learns new words or does something hard.  Seriously, a good chunk of this is about my sweet daughter and her desire for another baby.  Is that weird?


@toatsmahgoats (great name!) That's good to hear.  I mean, I can handle 3 years of crazy if I know it'll get better.  We've just recently gotten to that point with our 2nd, at about the 2 year point it started getting better.  So if it takes a little longer with a third (of course, different kids, different family, could be longer!) then I think I could handle it. 


@totoro - I think I'm a kid person.  I'm definitely a 6 year old kid person!  Every age the kids get older I think "this is my favorite age" and my DD is 6 and I love it.  They are so fun and interesting at this age! 

Well, it's the middle of the night, I should try and get back to sleep.  Thanks to all who chimed in!  Keep it coming if you have something else to say!

[soccerluvof4]

We had two 18 months apart and a grade a part now 9th and 10th grade but in time found we too wanted to have more. So then we had 2 more 18 months apart but unfortunatley 2 grades apart 3rd and 5th grade. I will agree once you go 3 its a huge difference and 4 is just like having 3. Its easy with 2 to just each take one and go but decidng to have more as others have said is more about having a family and not convenience. We are glad we made the decision we made and I am sure if you want 3 and fulfill that you will be too. I was 41 and my wife 38 when we had last one so by no means are you old!!

[Cassie]

I actually felt that is was harder going from 1 to 2 then from 2 to 3.  I also would watch my friends kids if they needed to go to an appt, etc.   Probably the only thing that was hard was when I took them somewhere alone & I had to carry the baby I needed my 7 yo to hold the 3 yo hand. Not a big deal & he was always happy to do it.  As far as homework I always believed in letting the kids do it themselves & then checking it to make sure it was done. My middle child had some learning disabilities so we had to help him at times. As far as activities each kid could do 2.  One was usually scouting after school so no extra trips.  My hubby worked nites so I did all the lugging kids around. I had a friend with 6 kids who did the same thing for the same reason & she made it work.  After I had 3 I felt like our family was complete.  I think you know in your heart if you want 3.

[SisterX]

To those who are saying that a certain number is hard, it might just be your kids, too.  Was the one that "did you in" a higher needs baby?  I've got one so far, husband is dead set on us only having 2 but I've always said I'd like to keep the option for 3 open.  Our first baby though, while darling, is the epitome of being "a handful".  SUPER high needs, at least for a baby with zero disabilities.  After having her I'm becoming more and more reconciled to only having 2, especially if the second is like the first.
And, this is a family thing.  Every time I talk to either set of grandparents about whatever issue we're having both of our mothers say, "Oh gosh, yeah, that sounds just like [insert one of our names]!"  My mom, who keeps saying that my girl is just like me and my oldest brother, did also say that it was easier having a high needs, active baby first because, "If we'd had [my second brother] first and went from him to such an active baby like [oldest brother], we'd only have 2 kids because we'd have gone crazy."
So I really think that the personalities/needs of your particular baby/babies strongly influence such decisions.  And if you have less active/needy children, I really envy you right now!  :)

[Rebecca Stapler]

I have to admit that just my second pregnancy, at 36 years old, has been a lot harder than the first pregnancy at 32 years old. I'm not sure if it's my age or what shape I'm in.

So, I have nothing to say about adding a third, just that the pregnancy might be harder!

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

For the record, I may be the only one who weighed in with cons... and I would totally have a third child if my husband wasn't 117% opposed to the idea. There seems to be a consensus developing...

[Neustache]

Hadn't thought about the pregnancy being harder!  Good Lord I hate being pregnant (and even when it goes swimmingly, like it did with my 2nd, I hate it. HATE IT).

Frugalparagon, my hubby is willing, but not excited about it.  Which makes it harder.  If he was gung ho about it I'd already be pregnant!  Or if he was like "No way, absolutely not, I'm not going to impregnate you" then I guess that'd be easier but I might not take it very well!

[daverobev]

We had our first late last year.

Things for me, in terms of adding a second:

1. We'd need a new house = +$100k or more mortgage
2. In theory i'm SAHD. Wife works 3 days a week (when she goes back from mat leave, ha!) + self employed stuff. I work from home/self employed too but that's slowing down.. quite happy about that. BUT if we were to have more I'd not be happy looking after them all. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love our baby, but I wasn't much of a child myself so playing with one for hours.. I dunno, maybe that's actually a counter argument, having two means they'd play with each other?!
3. We're 'older' in that we're 30s not 20s

Tricky, tricky. Wife would love another.

[tooqk4u22]

Going from 1-2 was way harder than going from 2-3. 

The only pitfalls we have experienced are the ones we impose on ourselves such as each kid being in activities (some of which are very time consuming and will increase over time - more motivation to FIRE sooner for the flexibility) - honestly from a stress/lifestyle perspective schedules are the biggest thing.

Financially, most things will be marginally higher (food, healthcare, clothing, etc) but not enough to make a big difference or can't be offset by other things. But again the big things financially are self-doing - above acitivities can be pricey (but are completely optional) and travel can be more (airfare especially) but again completely optional.

I think it is great having a bigger family.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

Frugalparagon, my hubby is willing, but not excited about it.  Which makes it harder.  If he was gung ho about it I'd already be pregnant!  Or if he was like "No way, absolutely not, I'm not going to impregnate you" then I guess that'd be easier but I might not take it very well!

Ooh, that puts all the responsibility on you! That does make it tougher.

Mr FP was 100% ready to stop at one; I wanted more.. Little Brother was an accident. So if he (barely) wanted one and I kinda wanted three, I guess two is a compromise! Although normally, I would suggest that having children should be an area for consensus rather than compromise :-).

[Christiana]

My husband asked a similar question of one of his older friends (father to two):  "What was it like to go from one kid to two?"  His friend thought for a moment, and then said, "You know, I really don't remember."  I think I'd have to say the same for us when we went from 2 to 3.  A couple of mothers I know have said they didn't really start to learn how to be patient until they had their fifth child.  Since the shorter-term misery is likely to be forgotten in a haze of sleep deprivation, we are building our family up for the long term.

[1967mama]

Going from 2-3 was a breeze for us. YMMV. We had all the difficult things figured out by the time the third arrived: where to sleep, how to feed, etc.  As parents, you're just getting good at it!  And of course, the two you have now will be almost a year older by the time the new baby arrives.

[zolotiyeruki]

My husband asked a similar question of one of his older friends (father to two):  "What was it like to go from one kid to two?"  His friend thought for a moment, and then said, "You know, I really don't remember."  I think I'd have to say the same for us when we went from 2 to 3.  A couple of mothers I know have said they didn't really start to learn how to be patient until they had their fifth child.  Since the shorter-term misery is likely to be forgotten in a haze of sleep deprivation, we are building our family up for the long term.

ROFL!  I'm a dad to 5 (soon to be 6), and this comment really hit home.  I don't remember the transition from 1 to 2, or from 2 to 3 (and so on).  Here's my advice:

--going from 2 to 3 kids shouldn't push you into a larger house unless you're living in a 2-bedroom place.  We're in a 4-bedroom house, and all four of our boys (ages 9 down to 1) share a bedroom.  AND now that the 1-year-old has moved into the toddler bed, the crib is available in case #6 turns out to be a boy! :D
--going from 2 to 3 kids shouldn't push you into a larger car.  Well, it *might* if you have a very small sedan and the car seats and boosters don't fit 3-across.  But the oldest will be out of even a booster soon, so you'll be fine
--you didn't mention whether your kids are sons or daughters or one of each.  If your third is the same as one of the older ones, you'll save a ton on clothes.

All that being said, finances should NOT be a major consideration in your choice to have kids (within reason).  If you feel like your family is not complete with two kids, then by all means go ahead.

As for whether you can provide enough love or attention to more kids, I say "hogwash."  It's true that with more kids, you'll have a harder time spending one-on-one time.  That doesn't mean you love them any less, nor does it mean that they will *feel* loved any less.  Heck, I'm the youngest of 9, and I don't feel unloved.  Of course, I *was* the baby of the family...  maybe Weedy Acres can provide some perspective on being further up the food chain in a large family :)  Being a kid in a large family also encourages kids to develop independence and leadership skills--it's particularly gratifying to watch our kids make themselves breakfast on Saturday mornings when DW and I want a few minutes more sleep.

As for the other concerns:
--shuttling them to various activities:  my wife managed to schedule all their swim lessons in the same time slot this summer.  We generally limit them to one or two extracurriculars at a time.
--homework: I agree homework in elementary school is ridiculous.  That's one of the benefits of homeschooling :)
--harder pregnancy: Yes, each pregnancy has been progressively less pleasant for my wife.

I'm totally biased on this--my wife came from a family of 6 kids, I'm from a family of 9 kids, and we're expecting our 6th, so a third kid doesn't seem like a big deal for me.  That being said, having more kids *can* be stressful at times, especially when they're young and/or mischievous.  But those stressful times are overwhelmingly outnumbered by the joyful times, when we play games as a family, or when the kids all collaborate on an elaborate blanket fort in the family room, or when our then-4-year-old son took it upon himself to teach his 3-year-old sister to read(!).

[Gray Matter]

It's so fun reading all these different experiences.  Completely random thoughts in no particular order...

Going from 2-3 was no big deal.  The biggest challenge for me was in going from 0-1 kid, because that's when I was no longer in charge of my own life/time and my identity had to shift.  1-2 was easy, 2-3 no problem.

It does up the chaos factor a bit.  When you have 2 kids, there is only 1 relationships between them.  When you have 3, there are 3 relationships that all have to be going smoothly in order for there to be peace in the house.  So by adding 50% more kid, you triple the relationships among children.

BUT, that's also what's so cool about having more than 2 kids.  It's amazing watching them navigate and watching their relationships grow and change over time.  Love it!

I have not found it to be a hassle in terms of cars, hotel rooms, etc.  We found a car seat that would fit three across the back of a car and bought 6 of them to outfit both cars (at $200 each, that was a big ouch!). 

Supervising homework is no big deal.  You'll find that each kid requires different levels of homework supervision, plus they are at different stages developmentally.  Plus the older can help the younger.  My oldest requires no supervision, my middle requires only that I hold him accountable, and my youngest requires a lot of help (she had a learning disability).

As far as activities, it means each kid is in fewer activities and they have to do more together (you are all taking swimming lessons at the same time, you're all doing karate on Thursday nights), but I actually think that's a good thing.  I think most of our kids are too "activitied" and it's good for them to have to compromise and negotiate about which activities they're going to do.  It also means we pick activities closer to home and more low-key (e.g., rec center), but I also think that's a good thing.

My youngest is adopted, which simply adds one more dimension to our family tapestry that I love.

It was a fair amount of work when they were really little (one day I added up all the items of clothing I had to get on myself and them in order to leave the house and it was more than 50--no wonder I was exhausted by 7 am!).  But when the youngest hit 3 and the oldest was 7, we entered the Golden Years and it was magical.  It's feeling a bit less magical lately (they're 8, 10, 12), but still pretty darned awesome.

I believe that people can be happy with none, 1, 2, 3, etc. kids--it's a very personal decision.  But for me, there is no greater joy than my kids and I would have had a 4th if I could have gotten DH to go along with it.  I love seeing how they are similar and different and watching their personalities blossom.

[Neustache]

I love reading all these responses!  Thank you all so much. 

Gray Matter - can you tell me which car seat?  Those are pricey, but we have two paid for cars and I'm not changing! We plan to buy a roof rack anyways which will increase the amount of stuff we can haul. 

I really don't think going from 2-3 will be a huge deal, but that's why I wanted input as some say it is hard.   My oldest really wants another sibling, and she calls her brother her best friend.  They are 3.5 years apart.  It's so very sweet the way the love each other.  I feel like she should get some sort of say in our family size, after all, it's her family too!  Of course, the 2 year old is not interested in having a baby brother or sister at all....hopefully he'd get on board!

Hotel rooms wouldn't be an issue, either, as we have a small toddler bed we take with us that blows up.  Worked great for us on our recent road trip. 

I'm like anti-activity for kids.  LOL.  We have 3 hours more or less from the end of school to when I like them in bed (7pm).  My daughter needs time to herself to unwind and falls asleep around 8pm.  There's just not an easy way we can squeeze in activities in there during the school week.  I'll want them to learn to swim, and maybe do some random summer stuff, but during the school year it just all seems way too hectic.  Granted, as they get older I might budget a bit on the bedtime! I don't know if I can get away with putting a 10 year old in bed that early.  Ha!


I really feel like if we just make things simple, it won't be a huge transition.  Getting kids ready to leave might take a little more time, but the 6 year old is finally getting herself ready and the 2 year old is in the "Do it myself!" phase and I think he'll get the hang of getting dressed a little faster than the oldest did.  He's very focused. 

Good point in the number of relationships increasing!  I had thought about the increase, but not that there would be triple the potential for conflict.  Yikes! LOL.  But again, I have such a good first daughter who is really good with the two year old, and will be 7 by the time a baby enters in the picture, so I think she'd be even better with one that much younger than her.  The boy would be 3 or so, and maybe about to get out of the tantrum phase (he's really not that bad, but he's two). 

Again, thanks for the comments!  Keep 'em coming if you have something else to add!

[CommonCents]

I really don't think going from 2-3 will be a huge deal, but that's why I wanted input as some say it is hard.   My oldest really wants another sibling, and she calls her brother her best friend.  They are 3.5 years apart.  It's so very sweet the way the love each other.  I feel like she should get some sort of say in our family size, after all, it's her family too!  Of course, the 2 year old is not interested in having a baby brother or sister at all....hopefully he'd get on board!

I've been resisting posting (again) because I don't actually have experience as a parent of 3 kids, although I grew up in a family of 3, but you've repeated multiple times wanting another kid for your daughter multiple times now, which raises a flag for me.

Your daughter isn't the one that has to feed/change/house/clothe/educate your 3rd child.  She says now she wants a sibling, but what if the baby is the "wrong" gender from what she wanted, a high needs baby that takes a lot of your attention, not the age she wanted (she's a kid, in her head she may be thinking of one older than a baby...or may be unhappy to see the baby grow up) or she simply gets a little older and tired of siblings chasing after her.  My sister wanted a sibling too initially - but then wasn't so sure after the baby was there!

There are MANY reasons to have another kid (and many reasons not to).  I'm just concerned that you're letting these comments by your daughter sway you too much.  Do it for you/your husband, not for your daughter.

[Cassie]

I agree with Commoncents. I wanted a 3rd badly and my kids had zero say in the matter.  I come from a family of 3 & when my Mom was pregnant with me my sister was opposed at 8yo & my brother silent on the matter-5yo. After I came she adored me & my brother very jealous.  So you never know how a sibling will react until the baby arrives. 

[Neustache]

Oh no, I definitely want one as well.  But her enthusiasm for one is something that encourages me, that's for sure.  She wants a sister, but I asked what if you have another brother, and she said that would be fine as well because then her other brother would get a chance to have a brother.  You'd have to know her, but she just loves kids. 

If she was "meh" about having another child, and didn't love her brother that she already had dearly and fought constantly with him, then that would probably discourage me a bit, too.  But I have an overwhelming urge to have another child (not even a baby, I don't really love the baby stage!) and her desire for another sibling definitely encourages that desire. 

ETA:  Now my husband is the one that's kind of 'meh' about the whole thing.  Part of this thread was me trying to find everything possible that could, well, discourage me from wanting another one.  My hubby is sweet, though, and if I pushed it, he'll probably come on board, but I obviously don't want to do that to him.  We talked last night and will try to come to some sort of decision in a month or so, as we've been talking/thinking (sometimes crying) about this for 6 months or so.  It just feels like such a huge decision, and I'm definitely not taking it lightly or just basing it off of my daughter, although I can see why you all got that impression.  :D

[Gray Matter]

Gray Matter - can you tell me which car seat?  Those are pricey, but we have two paid for cars and I'm not changing! We plan to buy a roof rack anyways which will increase the amount of stuff we can haul. 

The brand was Radian and I believe the model was Sunshine.  They were convertible, from rear-facing for 5-35 pounds, front facing for 35-60 pounds, and then served as a booster up to 80 pounds or something like that.  Well built and solid and, most importantly, narrow!

[Emilyngh]

Gray Matter - can you tell me which car seat?  Those are pricey, but we have two paid for cars and I'm not changing! We plan to buy a roof rack anyways which will increase the amount of stuff we can haul. 

The brand was Radian and I believe the model was Sunshine.  They were convertible, from rear-facing for 5-35 pounds, front facing for 35-60 pounds, and then served as a booster up to 80 pounds or something like that.  Well built and solid and, most importantly, narrow!

Just as an FYI Sunshine Kids (who made the radian) is now Diono.   http://carseatblog.com/11501/sunshine-kids-becomes-diono/

We have a Radian R120 for DD and it is narrow and actually you can use it rearfacing up to 45 lbs, forward facing as a 5 pnt harness up to 80 lbs and as a booster up to 120 lbs!   They are pricey, but cheaper than a bigger car.

Here's a link to a review from someone fitting 3 in their backseat: http://savvysavingcouple.net/2013/04/22/diono-radian-rxt-in-storm-review/

[Neustache]

Thank you for the car seat name - I think my friend had told me that one once but I couldn't remember the name of the brand.  Still not certain I can get three across, as my sedan is a versa, but I would give it a try, for sure.  Sales taxes alone on a car, even used, are going to be at least a couple hundred.  Plus I get such good gas mileage, I don't really want anything larger. 

[mm1970]

I'm...uhhh...getting old.  Okay, okay, so I'm not old old.  But I'm 34.5 and while I admire and respect people who have kids later, I just am already too tired to have babies much past 35.

We currently have a 6 year old and a 2.5 year old, and I'd really like a third. 

But then I hear things like "the third one did us in" and I get scared! Ha!

So I guess I need to hear it all.  Of course, of course, you love your children.  But how hard was it adding a third?  If you found it a breeze, please speak up!  And of course, my hubby and I are discussing this as well, I'm just wanting input from those who have been there.

I can't speak from experience, because I only have two.
I have several friends with 3 or 4.  It made me cringe, because "you are going to zone defense!"  But then again, I feared going to 2 because we didn't outnumber our child anymore.

They are all doing fine.  The first couple of years are always tough.  You have a 6 year old, so that makes it easier.  My boys are 6 years apart, so the second was easier on me than the people who spaced them 2 years apart.

I *can* speak to having children later.  Had my kids at 35.75 and 42.  Yes, if you want to do it, do it earlier.  I love my kids and am doing fine, but man, having a baby at >40 isn't for sissies!

The biggest thing I would say is the minivan.  Do you already have one?  Even my friends who were bound and determined not to have one, just simply could not fit the carseats in a normal car without one.  I have a friend who bought an Explorer (I told her minivan!) They couldn't actually get the 3 year old in except to get him in through the trunk because the twins carseats were too big.

That said, I have a Matrix, and I shuttle around 4 kids in it.  But three of the kids are big enough to use a backless booster and one of them has to sit in the front seat.  You will have a couple of years before that is true.

[mm1970]

Thank you for the car seat name - I think my friend had told me that one once but I couldn't remember the name of the brand.  Still not certain I can get three across, as my sedan is a versa, but I would give it a try, for sure.  Sales taxes alone on a car, even used, are going to be at least a couple hundred.  Plus I get such good gas mileage, I don't really want anything larger.

If you do a search, you can find if you can fit three across.  The Diono Radian is narrow, and there's a car seat website where people discuss specific cars and fitting specific carseats.  The tricky thing is some cars aren't just good for carseats.  Even though the RAV4 is bigger than the Matrix, the way it's set up inside means carseats don't fit 3 across.  My friend learned this the hard way when she was pregnant with twins.

I have difficulty in my Civic and Matrix. The Matrix is better.  The Radian is a tall seat, so rear-facing it takes up a lot of space. We have it in the Civic in the driver's side but only haul 2 kids in that car.  We use a Roundabout rear-facing in the Matrix in the center, but the Roundabout is shorter.  Unfortunately, it's too short now so we got a new one and will be turning the almost 2 year old forward facing. 

I would think that it would be easiest to try and get it into the Versa (my neighbors have one, I know the size) in the center rear-facing, then have the other two on the sides.  It can be difficult to clip in the side kids that way, but at least the 2.5 year old would be using the 5-point, and you'd probably be using LATCH for the baby and the 2.5 year old.

Plus you probably only have a little bit of time before the oldest is car seat free (age 8).

You could always ask around to see if anyone has seats you can borrow and try it.

Here's the thread I found:

http://www.car-seat.org/showthread.php?t=128366

And they mention how "long" the Radian is.  So far, nobody has been able to get three across that I can see.  If you wait until the eldest is 8, you won't need a third seat.

[golden1]

I waffled about having a third child, and decided to stick with two.  In retrospect, I am glad I did, but it was a difficult decision at the time.  My son has some special needs that didn't become apparent until school age, and I would have been stretched pretty thin trying to deal with him and a baby/toddler.  For me it was a balance issue - me wanting a child wasn't the only factor - I had to weigh the needs of my husband and my other children, as well as my mental health.  I also had a moment of clarity when my kids were 4 and 2 and we were on vacation.  I remember feeling that this family size was "right" for us, and that we fit really well together as a family, just the 4 of us.

Every time I get a twinge of baby fever, I just remember that my kids will probably have kids of their own in 15 years or so, and I can enjoy them then without all the responsibility.  ;)

[SomedayStache]

It is simply untrue that you need a minivan.

I have a 5 year old, a 3 yr old, and a baby.  We drive a 2005 Toyota Corolla and a 2004 Honda CRV.  All 3 kids are in harnessed seats (no backless boosters).    The install in the Corolla was checked by carseat techs at a safe kids event. 

DISCLAIMER:  I have spent more hours learning about carseats than I have learning about investing.  Many a lunch hour has been spent reading on the car seat forums.  Getting 3 carseats in a small car is not for the faint of heart or the ignorant.  If you get something wrong you are risking your child's life (but that is true for all carseats-if I hadn't been forced to do extensive research to get a workable carseat solution I would probably still be installing my carseats incorrectly).  Also age 8 isn't a magical age that graduates children out of carseats.  Most children need to be in a booster until 10-12 years of age.  Look into the '5 step test'.

With that said - we have a minivan fund.  Because someday I would like to be able to fit more than our family in our car and pick up a child's friend or something phenomenal like that.

[zolotiyeruki]

DISCLAIMER:  I have spent more hours learning about carseats than I have learning about investing.  Many a lunch hour has been spent reading on the car seat forums.  Getting 3 carseats in a small car is not for the faint of heart or the ignorant.  If you get something wrong you are risking your child's life (but that is true for all carseats-if I hadn't been forced to do extensive research to get a workable carseat solution I would probably still be installing my carseats incorrectly).  Also age 8 isn't a magical age that graduates children out of carseats.  Most children need to be in a booster until 10-12 years of age.  Look into the '5 step test'.

(Sorry, this is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, so please forgive a mild rant) A few years ago, I took a deeper look into the fatality statistics from NHTSA regarding car seat use and age.  I found that over a 10 year period, keeping kids in boosters to a higher age was calculated to save about 150 lives.  That's 15 kids per year, or roundly a 1-in-1,000,000 difference.

Different people have different levels of risk tolerance, but my wife and I are willing to take that risk for the sake of our kids' comfort.  When we go on long trips, we generally drive through the night in order to make better time.  Our 7-year-old daughter sleeps *much* better when we're driving through states that only require boosters until age 7, and she's constantly uncomfortable when trying to sleep if she's in a booster.

Heh, I have some close family members who have even less regard for boosters--their kids are in regular seat belts by age 5!

[Gray Matter]

(Sorry, this is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, so please forgive a mild rant) A few years ago, I took a deeper look into the fatality statistics from NHTSA regarding car seat use and age.  I found that over a 10 year period, keeping kids in boosters to a higher age was calculated to save about 150 lives.  That's 15 kids per year, or roundly a 1-in-1,000,000 difference.

Different people have different levels of risk tolerance, but my wife and I are willing to take that risk for the sake of our kids' comfort. 

I agree.  I used to be adamant about boosters until I read that the scare statistics that some groups throw around were actually comparing accident statistics of kids in boosters to kids not belted in at all--not a fair comparison.  The benefit of booster seats for older kids is small.  I still use them most of the time, but am much more relaxed about my kids getting in other people's cars without boosters.  And, when my very short son went off to middle school, I threw out (gave away) his booster even though he is technically still supposed to use one in our state.  Just trying to save him some humiliation, since his short, red-headed, geeky self provides enough fodder (though he manages to pull it off).

[SomedayStache]

If it's been a few years since you looked into child safety seat research I'd recommend taking a fresh look.  The official recommendations for child safety seat usage have changed in those years as a result of research and findings.  You might change your opinion based on what you find - you might not.  But your info is not up to date.

There's a plethora of data available related to poor belt-fit and submarining on children 6 to 10 years of age.  These are the two issues that a booster can address.

Best course of action is to ride in cars as rarely as possible.  MMM has that one figured out - my family, sadly, is still a clown-car family.

[lady brett ashley]

Thank you for the car seat name - I think my friend had told me that one once but I couldn't remember the name of the brand.  Still not certain I can get three across, as my sedan is a versa, but I would give it a try, for sure.  Sales taxes alone on a car, even used, are going to be at least a couple hundred.  Plus I get such good gas mileage, I don't really want anything larger.

There is another option for fitting 3 carseats in a small car - Walmart's $40 line of carseats (i think they're Cosco brand?) are designed in such a way that they "nest."  They come in two types - a booster, which is kind of snug to the seat and low-profile, and a convertible seat, which is raised up more with a very narrow base touching the seat.  The result is that when they are put next to each other the convertible seat overlaps the booster a bit, allowing them to take up less space as a pair.  We fit 3 seats in a 2002 Corolla that way.

We also have 3 great (but discontinued) carseats that are the same width as the Radian (called Safety 1st Go-Hybrid - but they do not rear-face), and even those were too wide for us to get into the Corolla (they were great for our Matrix, though, which is just a tiny bit wider).

And, really, figuring out the carseats was the hardest part of a third kid.  (Of course, our sense of "normal" is pretty skewed, since our other transition had been straight from 0 to 2.  Compared to that, 3 wasn't much.)

[Neustache]

We have the Cosco brand high back convertible, and then a low back booster.  So is there an infant seat that nests with those?  It'd be great if I didn't have to purchase all new seats! 

[lizzzi]

If a grandmother may comment: We had two, in 1975 and 1978 when I was 26 and 28. I very much wanted a third--without going into boring detail, life circumstances were ideal at the time--hubs was not a child-lover and flatly refused to have more kids. (Divorced him in 1994--he was a jerk in more ways than that.) Anyway, now that DDs are 38 and 36 I can honestly say that I still wish I had had more than two. Many of you seem to be thinking in the very short-term…but also consider those long adult years stretching in front of you, and how nice it would be to have more family members around--how nice to have relationships with your now-adult children. One of my daughters has never married and is childless, but the other has a great husband and has three kids, just around the corner from me. Not always an unalloyed joy--we're not as sugary as the Waltons-- but certainly a rich, full, old-fashioned life with lots of fun and always someone around to eat with, play piano or sing with, help out with whatever needs doing, chase the kids around…I know it's not for everyone, but I wouldn't base your decision on the short-term.

[Neustache]

If a grandmother may comment: We had two, in 1975 and 1978 when I was 26 and 28. I very much wanted a third--without going into boring detail, life circumstances were ideal at the time--hubs was not a child-lover and flatly refused to have more kids. (Divorced him in 1994--he was a jerk in more ways than that.) Anyway, now that DDs are 38 and 36 I can honestly say that I still wish I had had more than two. Many of you seem to be thinking in the very short-term…but also consider those long adult years stretching in front of you, and how nice it would be to have more family members around--how nice to have relationships with your now-adult children. One of my daughters has never married and is childless, but the other has a great husband and has three kids, just around the corner from me. Not always an unalloyed joy--we're not as sugary as the Waltons-- but certainly a rich, full, old-fashioned life with lots of fun and always someone around to eat with, play piano or sing with, help out with whatever needs doing, chase the kids around…I know it's not for everyone, but I wouldn't base your decision on the short-term.

Thank you so much for your perspective, Lizzzie!  I feel like my hubby is looking short-term (he says no) and I"m looking long-term.  The short-term baby/toddler years are tough, but you get the payoff later!  And they are very cute, when young, so there's that. 

[Dyk]

So many personal factors contribute to this decision .....

My only advice:  Make sure you and your husband are on the same page.

My experience:  5 kids.  Transition from 1-2 was the hardest, we both could be occupied with kids, then who is making dinner, cleaning up, etc?  My wife had the kids from age 32-39 and each pregnancy was a little harder (she get's sick though, and if you don't this may not apply).  All the specifics that stop one person could be nothing to the next person.  It really depends on you.  I think about how I really don't pursue a lot of personal hobbies right now, and I don't care at all, my family rocks!!! 

I have 5 girls, so everyone comments on weddings.  Really?  Do I have to throw a $30,000 wedding for each child?  Will they not feel loved/complete unless I do?  Also, like zolotiyeruki, we have 4 in 1 bedroom and they love it! (They are wanting the 5th to get in there, she needs to get a little older, and I need to dream up some kind of loft . . . .).  My point, go with your gut, your desires, and don't buy into anyone else's herd mentality opinions. 

Good luck, and remember if you and your husband are together, 2 kids or 3 kids, your life will ROCK!

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

You could check out the book Selfish Reasons To Have More Kids, which is all about long-term thinking.

[lady brett ashley]

We have the Cosco brand high back convertible, and then a low back booster.  So is there an infant seat that nests with those?  It'd be great if I didn't have to purchase all new seats!

It's so finicky, because seats fit differently in different cars and all sorts of things, but i think the way we figured this out in the first place is that my wife went to Babies R Us (or maybe it was Walmart, but i'm not sure they'd be so accommodating) and they let her try out a few options in the parking lot to find out what worked.

[Neustache]

Thank you all so much for the replies.  Unfortunately, I think we are going with a 'no'.  My husband doesn't want another child, and while he would say yes just for my sake, I am a worrier and kind of needed an enthused spouse to jump into pool of risk that is pregnancy/another child.  I kept waking up all night thinking of all the things that could go wrong (I'm a worst case thinker, and creative, so there are many things in my mind!) and I just can't jump in knowing he's not really on board but would for me because he's a nice guy.

I do wish adoption was a bit more on the table, as for me, the only risk there is losing a wad of cash (and the emotional toll of not getting a baby) but the possible outcome is an already born baby that I don't have to carry to term!  And....any physical issues the baby would have would be mostly known, so we would be choosing our adventure, so to speak.  I just don't know if I can deal with the unknown risks, without a spouse fully on board.  I kind of needed him to get me over the worry-hurdle. 

Sigh.  Thanks again, though, for all your thoughtful replies. 

[TeresaB]

I do wish adoption was a bit more on the table, as for me, the only risk there is losing a wad of cash (and the emotional toll of not getting a baby) but the possible outcome is an already born baby that I don't have to carry to term!  And....any physical issues the baby would have would be mostly known, so we would be choosing our adventure, so to speak.  I just don't know if I can deal with the unknown risks, without a spouse fully on board.  I kind of needed him to get me over the worry-hurdle. 

If you adopt through foster care, depending on your state, the risks of the adoption not going through can be much lower. (In my state, there's no designated foster-to-adopt track, but in some states, you can choose to only accept kids whose first parents' rights have already been terminated.) It's also much cheaper. The kid would probably be older though. Just throwing it out there. I absolutely agree with you, though, that adoption is not something you can do if both spouses aren't fully on board.