What has worked wonders for us is to create a "road" with clear boundaries. We want our kids to have confidence and to make their own way in life, thus the broad road, but there are very firm boundaries. One is tantrums.
First step is to ignore it for a while. Distraction, walking away, talking to your husband or other children works well. As the kid becomes old enough to reason with, you can talk it over with them. If they continue to throw the fit, then calmly tell them this, "If you'd like to talk, we can talk. If you'd like to [cry, scream, kick, etc.], then it will be time for a time out. What would you like to do?" 100% of the time with our son, he calms down enough to continue to talk. His angers often reignites, at which time we just go back to saying the above.
If the child is too young to reason, give them a calm warning that time out will happen at the count of three. If you reach three, then the kiddo is placed in time out. The level of misbehavior determines the time out.
Time out: At a young age, it often requires them standing in a corner. There were rules there. You must be standing, quiet, with no kicking, hitting, or moving. At that young age, keep the time appropriate. 30 seconds for 2 year olds, and a max of 3-5 minutes for 3-4 year olds. Once this precedent has been established, you rarely need to reach counting to 2. As they age and gain the ability to reason, time out changes. We start calling it a break and it can be as simple as going to their room or a reading nook to read. We usually give them a choice (read in the nook or in your bedroom, or go outside for a walk or sit down for some painting) and let them know it is not a punishment. Giving them a choice helps them to retain a feeling of some control which helps to curb the lashing out. Reassure them that you are just helping them to calm down.
If they fight back about time out, then give them another option that is significantly less desirable. Going to bed is our stand by.
Consequences: We have used consequences to relatively good success. They need to be appropriate, consistent, and actionable. For instance, if our son wrecks something, we don't get mad, he just has to pay to replace a portion of it (within reason). If he hits his sister, he goes to bed. If she doesn't stay in bed, then she loses her stuffed animal for the night. For physical reinforcement, we avoid spanking. A far more effective show of force, that is much less violent, is to pick them up and carry them to another room, set them down, and calmly talk to them. That helps to shake them out of whatever mindset they were in before.
Rewards: We are hesitant to attach tangible rewards to behavior. For instance we do not tie allowance or gifts to good behavior. The rewards we do give are less tangible. We are a very affectionate family, and are free with hugs and snuggles and "I love yous". Our basic plan is that if you behave and are a contributing member of the house, then there are many rewards. We have tons of fun. We go fun places, we play as a family, we have adventures. These are everyone's to share because our kids are well behaved and good people. Be sure to be present and react positively (sometime overly so), when they have good behavior. Whenever we leave a place, if the kids were good, we often thank them liberally. If the mood is right, it may include a fun treat for the family.
I have to stop because there is so much to say about this. Tantrums segue into behavior in general, and there are volumes to be written about that subject.
The big things here are:
- Be calm. It does no good to do this in anger. If you do get angry, take a time out yourself.
- Be consistent! If you say it is time for time out, follow through.
- Be kind. To yourself and child. You both are only human. If you make a mistake, or perhaps make a punishment that is too severe, apologize. Don't let them go to bed mad or sad. Be sure you let them know how much you love them.
- Be patient. With them, and you.
TL;DR
Create a broad road with clear boundaries for your kids. Be calm, consistent, kind, and patient, Set boundaries and follow them. Time out works, but give them a choice on what it is (once they can reason). Set clear consequences. Reward liberally, but not so much tangibly.
Good luck! Being a parent is a joy! Just shower them, yourself, your spouse, hell everyone, with love (which includes tough love) and you'll be great!
