Cures for baby fever?

[startingout]

I've always wanted 2 kids, and now I have 2 girls. My youngest is such a good baby that I'm feeling nostalgic about the newborn days. Is there a cure for baby fever? My husband wants 3 (or more) kids, so talking to him won't help.

I'm hoping this passes because I do not want to experience pregnancy and giving birth again. My 8 month old isn't even sleeping through the night yet, so I have no idea why I'd want to put myself through a year of sleep deprivation once more. Anyone with experience in getting over baby fever?

[englishteacheralex]

For me it was a clear distinction between feelings and facts.

Even right after my second child was born, I was feeling that another baby would be so sweet. I still get misty eyed at the idea. I love my kids so much, wouldn't adding another be so awesome?

But here are the facts:

1. I had my first at 34 and my second at 37. Having another would have put me at around 40 with a baby, because I couldn't logistically make time/space for #3 before then. Forty seemed pretty old for #3 to me.

2. There is a long, chain reaction of things that will happen if I have #3. The first is that I will quit work, because after working straight through two babies I promised myself I'd never do it again. The sleep deprivation was brutal. But I like work. I love my job. I don't want to quit. And quitting would result in several financial changes that would result in life changes that I don't really want to make.

3. Pregnancy and child birth were not easy on me. I don't really want to go through those things again. They will exacerbate a few conditions that I have that are already not great.

4. There are many ways to love babies without having another one. There are many paths to contentment and meaning in life besides having #3. I love the two I already have. They're enough.

Nowadays I feel more and more like I could actually have another baby, since the chaos of baby times is behind us (my kids are 6 and 8) and I have a lot more energy. If I were younger, I might just go for it. But I'm ok with this path. The fact is I don't want to actually go through the trade-offs involved in having a third. Those trade-offs are pretty significant and I remind myself of them every time I get misty-eyed about how sweet and precious babies are.

[startingout]

For me it was a clear distinction between feelings and facts.

Even right after my second child was born, I was feeling that another baby would be so sweet. I still get misty eyed at the idea. I love my kids so much, wouldn't adding another be so awesome?

But here are the facts:

1. I had my first at 34 and my second at 37. Having another would have put me at around 40 with a baby, because I couldn't logistically make time/space for #3 before then. Forty seemed pretty old for #3 to me.

2. There is a long, chain reaction of things that will happen if I have #3. The first is that I will quit work, because after working straight through two babies I promised myself I'd never do it again. The sleep deprivation was brutal. But I like work. I love my job. I don't want to quit. And quitting would result in several financial changes that would result in life changes that I don't really want to make.

3. Pregnancy and child birth were not easy on me. I don't really want to go through those things again. They will exacerbate a few conditions that I have that are already not great.

4. There are many ways to love babies without having another one. There are many paths to contentment and meaning in life besides having #3. I love the two I already have. They're enough.

Nowadays I feel more and more like I could actually have another baby, since the chaos of baby times is behind us (my kids are 6 and 8) and I have a lot more energy. If I were younger, I might just go for it. But I'm ok with this path. The fact is I don't want to actually go through the trade-offs involved in having a third. Those trade-offs are pretty significant and I remind myself of them every time I get misty-eyed about how sweet and precious babies are.

I feel so similarly to you. I definitely would need to quit my job during the pregnancy if I choose to have a third. I can't do the working and parenting while pregnant thing again. Much less the baby phase while working and parenting 2 other kids. I was so exhausted the last time and there was no reprieve. Pregnant and childbirth also were difficult for me, and I would probably go for an elective c-section if I had to give birth again. I just wish I could get it out of my head. I think if I had my second baby first, and my stubborn firstborn second, there would be no way I'd go for a third. If only that had happened. 😆

[Freedomin5]

We stopped after one. Having another would’ve meant giving birth at 35 years old. That’s deemed a “geriatric pregnancy” and the risk of your child have a developmental disorder such as ADHD, autism, or learning disorder goes up significantly. I wasn’t willing to knowingly handicap an innocent baby. Hence, no more children for us.

[chemistk]

My wife and I have three (all boys), and we had always talked about having a fourth. We're still in our early thirties so it's not completely outside the realm of possibility but over the past two years our perspective has shifted from "when we have our next/last child" to "if we have another child" to "we probably aren't going to have another baby but we still have all the clothes just in case".

On the one hand, our oldest desperately wants another sibling. He LOVES babies and he would be old enough to be able to safely supervise an infant (he's 8 now). My wife and I also get incredibly misty eyed looking at older photos, and it's particularly difficult to go through all the old clothes we have and know that our kids may never wear them again.

And yet, our youngest is a terror forged in the fiery pits of hell. If you met him, you'd think he's the cutest, funniest 3 year old there ever was. He's super smart and incredibly manipulative, and he's the kind of kid that scares people into not ever wanting children should they see his "bad side". That alone isn't enough to not have another child, but it's enough for us to seriously consider the possibility of having another "him".

The tipping point comes by thinking a few years out - we're finally at the point, after 8 years (9 if you include a rough pregnancy with our first), where we can get a good night's sleep. We don't have to take a stroller or diaper bag with us wherever we go. We can let the kids play mostly unsupervised and they're perfectly fine. Our youngest will start school next year and for the first time, there will be stretches of time where we DON'T have a child in the house during the day (my wife is a SAHM).

In that same vein, I keep thinking about the logistics of traveling - you can fit 3 kids into a hotel room, but 4 is almost certainly going to get you a "you need two rooms" response from any hotel. Then there's incremental food, clothes, activities, etc. costs that just seem to accrue as they get bigger and bigger.

But the silver bullet for us is remembering that, with every kid, we have N+18 (minimum) years of a child at home. We're slated to be in our mid-40's when our kids are all independent. Every child pushes that age higher and higher and reduces the number of years my wife and I get "alone" in relatively good health.

Finally, consider the environmental impact that adding yet another human to the world produces. No amount of eco-living can offset what another human adds to an already very crowded planet. I had a delusion of sorts for a time that my wife and I would be able to parent our kids to become super productive, environmentally conscious, socially aware adults and that would be enough to offset the impact of adding another kid - until our kids started to get older and I realized that despite our best efforts they're going to be sucked into society whether we like it or not.

[Laura33]

I've always wanted 2 kids, and now I have 2 girls.

I definitely would need to quit my job during the pregnancy if I choose to have a third. I can't do the working and parenting while pregnant thing again. Much less the baby phase while working and parenting 2 other kids. I was so exhausted the last time and there was no reprieve. Pregnant and childbirth also were difficult for me, and I would probably go for an elective c-section if I had to give birth again. I just wish I could get it out of my head.

Sooooo, is it really baby fever that will pass?  Or is your brain telling you that perhaps your pre-kids decision that you want 2 kids isn't true now that you actually have two?  You're listing all the problems with having a third, but other than the inherent difficulty of a pregnancy and infant, are those really problems, and are they worth not having a third over?  If you can't work and parent, what would be wrong with quitting your job?  Many do.  And a C-section isn't awesome, but it's available if you want it.  Or look into adoption if the pregnancy itself is keeping you from something you want.

Now, you may very well decide that you really really want to keep your job more than you want to have a third.  But you need to make that decision based on who and where you are right now, not based on a vision of what your life was going to be like that you developed before you had any life experience at all.  At least IME, that kind of recurring pang means that there's some sort of emotional need that I've been ignoring.  And the more I try to ignore it or tamp it down -- the more I tell myself that I shouldn't want that -- the more it insists on popping up (usually at incredibly inconvenient times). 

The only way to make that emotional need less powerful is to bring it out in the open and put it on the table with all the other options, and weigh it fairly.  Acknowledge that that need exists, that it is legitimate, and that you can make it happen if you decide that's what you really want.  Then work through what you'd need to do, what your life would be like, if you did make it happen -- giving up the job or getting a fully-time nanny, sleep deprivation, etc. -- basically, play the "what if?" game.  Then do the same thing with your other options (here, sticking with 2).  Once you have your real options all laid out before you, you can make a better decision that is easier to live with. 

IOW, there's a difference between telling yourself "I shouldn't want this, make that feeling go away" vs. saying "I do want this, but if I go after it, that means giving up ABC, and I value ABC more."

Also, if the youngest is only 8 months, you don't need to make a decision just yet!  It would be entirely reasonable to table this decision until your youngest is at least sleeping through the night!  That really gives you a third option here:  (1) have #3; (2) stick with 2; or (3) decide not to decide just yet and come back to it later.  Even 8 months out, your hormones are probably still going haywire, and the sleep deprivation is chronic.  So you very well may feel different and/or have more clarity in another 6 months or a year.

[cool7hand]

Perhaps this isn't a question that you can answer with your intellect?

[JupiterGreen]

I'm not sure if you really want to be deterred or if you are looking for permission. Personally, I wouldn't make the decision either way while pregnancy hormones are interfering with my logic on this particular topic. But anyway I'm going to take you at your word.

Read on only if you authentically want to focus on being deterred:

-In the case of an emergency, with two adults and two children, each adult can grab a child. Even with one adult, you only have 2 arms.
-remaining at two kids means there is no middle child
-if necessary two kids can share a room, three gets a bit tight
-three is the beginning of a small gang (they could gang up on you or 2 could gang up one the 3rd)
-you may need a bigger car and/or house
-assume your 3rd will be profoundly special needs and focus on the added resources #3 will need
-assume #3 will be the opposite of you in ethics, politics, outlook and resents your very existence
-assume #3 will be a "bad seed" and end up incarcerated for the worst thing you can think of
-assume #3 will be a financial drain and live with you forever and ever and ever....
-focus on the additional strain to your relationship
-focus on the additional strain to your budget (college!)
-bathrooms
-environmental factor, one of the worst things you can do for the environment is to have kids. Assume your 3rd will resent you for contributing/bringing them into an environmental catastrophe

[shelivesthedream]

We have three kids now. You can read my journal if you want to hear what a car crash pregnancy was for me. TLDR: perinatal anxiety so bad I was literally housebound. I'm musing about #4 at present - yes/no/adopt. It's tough.

I'm with Laura33. I can't really see an insurmountable downside to having a third kid, apart from the fact that pregnancy is hard and you like sleep. Me too, and me too!

But although MMM will tell you you're allowed to only have one kid, you're also allowed to have three. The "replacement rate only" police will not in fact come and get you.

But aside from that ol' PPA, Kid 3 has brought us such joy. All of us, especially my eldest who cried the other day because he wants #3 to grow up so she can play with them properly and be allowed to do everything but he was sad because she won't be a baby any more and he likes babies. He thinks we should have 21 children, apparently. We have knowingly given up things like foreign holidays in order to have more children. I mean, boo hoo, we won't take our kids to Paris every year, but they'll have the love and friendship of another sibling every day for their ENTIRE LIVES.

It's not an intellectual decision, but based on what we've seen so far in our family, we put "another sibling for existing kids" very firmly on the plus side in very big letters. They'll have their siblings for far longer than they'll have us, and they love each other in a really special way.

I would think about what you really want from an "on your deathbed" perspective and avoid getting sucked into worldly concerns about what other people think you should be doing with your career, social prestige, etc. I mean, who dies wishing they'd worked more, y'know?

[okits]

Anyone with experience in getting over baby fever?

Getting over it?  No.

Living with the constant background pull of it?  Yeah.

Whenever the desire is particularly acute I revisit the reasons behind the decision.  Sometimes the weight of the various components changes. 

Unless you feel you must make a final decision soon, feel free to wait, and see if the scales tip in a different direction sometime in the future.  Yes, it would feel more comfortable to have made a final decision but you don't seem satisfied at this time with either possible decision. 

Whatever happens, it may be helpful to remember that the very necessity of a choice means you can't have everything you want, and sometimes it's best to be happy with what you have.

[Dictionary Time]

There is an underlying assumption here that may not be true:

If you have another child the Baby Fever will go away.

For some people it does. For some people they have the next child and that one person completes the family and they go along end everything is great.

For me, I had my third and he is great and I love him and (since he’s here now) I can’t imagine life without him. But since he went to preschool 18 years ago, I have wanted a fourth. My MIL had eleven (!!) and really didn’t want to stop then and adopted another and pretty much raised grandkids. My neighbor has 7 and still has the feeling, but reality hits you at some point.

Your biological programming is in conflict. One directive to make as many babies as possible for survival of your dna. One directive is telling that you need to spend resources on the existing children so that they have the best possibilities to thrive and reproduce your dna.

I don’t knows your answer, I hope you find it and have peace with it.

[englishteacheralex]

Anyone with experience in getting over baby fever?

Getting over it?  No.

Living with the constant background pull of it?  Yeah.

Whenever the desire is particularly acute I revisit the reasons behind the decision.  Sometimes the weight of the various components changes. 

Unless you feel you must make a final decision soon, feel free to wait, and see if the scales tip in a different direction sometime in the future.  Yes, it would feel more comfortable to have made a final decision but you don't seem satisfied at this time with either possible decision. 

Whatever happens, it may be helpful to remember that the very necessity of a choice means you can't have everything you want, and sometimes it's best to be happy with what you have.

It is SO reassuring to know that other people are living with this ambiguity, too.

[shelivesthedream]

To follow on from DictionaryTime, it's especially important to explore whether you want another BABY or another CHILD. You may be sad that your youngest is "growing up so fast" and want another round of little baby snuggles. But as you know, that doesn't last for long and it's different to really wanting to raise another child for their whole life. Me, I regard the "it doesn't last for long" aspect of babyhood as a positive - the sleep deprivation and round the clock breastfeeding and always having the baby in your arms doesn't last for long, and then you get another child forever.

But as others have said, there's no need to decide now. You can keep the door open. It's OK to have another one right away but it's also OK to have a longer gap between kids. The way older kids interact with babies is just beautiful.

[StNick]

I'm not sure if you really want to be deterred or if you are looking for permission. Personally, I wouldn't make the decision either way while pregnancy hormones are interfering with my logic on this particular topic. But anyway I'm going to take you at your word.

Read on only if you authentically want to focus on being deterred:

-In the case of an emergency, with two adults and two children, each adult can grab a child. Even with one adult, you only have 2 arms.
-remaining at two kids means there is no middle child
-if necessary two kids can share a room, three gets a bit tight
-three is the beginning of a small gang (they could gang up on you or 2 could gang up one the 3rd)
-you may need a bigger car and/or house
-assume your 3rd will be profoundly special needs and focus on the added resources #3 will need
-assume #3 will be the opposite of you in ethics, politics, outlook and resents your very existence
-assume #3 will be a "bad seed" and end up incarcerated for the worst thing you can think of
-assume #3 will be a financial drain and live with you forever and ever and ever....
-focus on the additional strain to your relationship
-focus on the additional strain to your budget (college!)
-bathrooms
-environmental factor, one of the worst things you can do for the environment is to have kids. Assume your 3rd will resent you for contributing/bringing them into an environmental catastrophe

I can't even tell if you're joking with this list but if you are, then you got me, because this is quite possibly the worst reasons to avoid having children. No middle child??? Like Small gang? if you're joking then this is hilarious.

[okits]

I'm not sure if you really want to be deterred or if you are looking for permission. Personally, I wouldn't make the decision either way while pregnancy hormones are interfering with my logic on this particular topic. But anyway I'm going to take you at your word.

Read on only if you authentically want to focus on being deterred:

-In the case of an emergency, with two adults and two children, each adult can grab a child. Even with one adult, you only have 2 arms.
-remaining at two kids means there is no middle child
-if necessary two kids can share a room, three gets a bit tight
-three is the beginning of a small gang (they could gang up on you or 2 could gang up one the 3rd)
-you may need a bigger car and/or house
-assume your 3rd will be profoundly special needs and focus on the added resources #3 will need
-assume #3 will be the opposite of you in ethics, politics, outlook and resents your very existence
-assume #3 will be a "bad seed" and end up incarcerated for the worst thing you can think of
-assume #3 will be a financial drain and live with you forever and ever and ever....
-focus on the additional strain to your relationship
-focus on the additional strain to your budget (college!)
-bathrooms
-environmental factor, one of the worst things you can do for the environment is to have kids. Assume your 3rd will resent you for contributing/bringing them into an environmental catastrophe

I can't even tell if you're joking with this list but if you are, then you got me, because this is quite possibly the worst reasons to avoid having children. No middle child??? Like Small gang? if you're joking then this is hilarious.

Much of that list focuses on the basic question of "do you have the resources to raise another child?"  And that's a very valid concern.  You don't get to pick ahead of time how medically or behaviourally challenging a child will be to parent.  It's worth considering if there's enough energy, attention, and money to meet everyone's needs.

[2Birds1Stone]

Any time spent around existing babies usually does the trick for DW and I.

[okits]

Any time spent around existing babies usually does the trick for DW and I.

The OP says they currently have an 8-month-old baby who doesn't sleep through the night.

[Sibley]

I don't want children, never have. But one thing that I wondered, and you don't actually need to answer this, because if the answer is yes you'll probably get murdered. You have 2 girls. Is your issue that you want a boy?

There are biological, cultural, and social factors that may instill a subconscious desire for a boy.

[JupiterGreen]

I'm not sure if you really want to be deterred or if you are looking for permission. Personally, I wouldn't make the decision either way while pregnancy hormones are interfering with my logic on this particular topic. But anyway I'm going to take you at your word.

Read on only if you authentically want to focus on being deterred:

-In the case of an emergency, with two adults and two children, each adult can grab a child. Even with one adult, you only have 2 arms.
-remaining at two kids means there is no middle child
-if necessary two kids can share a room, three gets a bit tight
-three is the beginning of a small gang (they could gang up on you or 2 could gang up one the 3rd)
-you may need a bigger car and/or house
-assume your 3rd will be profoundly special needs and focus on the added resources #3 will need
-assume #3 will be the opposite of you in ethics, politics, outlook and resents your very existence
-assume #3 will be a "bad seed" and end up incarcerated for the worst thing you can think of
-assume #3 will be a financial drain and live with you forever and ever and ever....
-focus on the additional strain to your relationship
-focus on the additional strain to your budget (college!)
-bathrooms
-environmental factor, one of the worst things you can do for the environment is to have kids. Assume your 3rd will resent you for contributing/bringing them into an environmental catastrophe

I can't even tell if you're joking with this list but if you are, then you got me, because this is quite possibly the worst reasons to avoid having children. No middle child??? Like Small gang? if you're joking then this is hilarious.

No I wasn't joking. The title of this post is "Cures for Baby Fever". This is a list of things to focus on that sometimes aren't that great. I'll give you that the middle child item is not as impactful as something like global warming, but it is still a point. I get that children can be an emotional topic for some people and a lot of people take it personally for some reason. But to the larger issue, it's fine to not agree with someone's post, but there is no reason to be mean-spirited by suggesting my post was a joke. I was simply trying to provide honest feedback like everyone else. Perhaps, my perspective is simply different than yours. 

[Chris Pascale]

My wife and I are determined to have no more kids, and yet we still want another. We've considered adopting, fostering, and even quitting our jobs to run one of the homes overseeing kids who live at The Hershey School. Even as our youngest is 11 and we are paying for 2 to go to college (and I'm starting a Ph.D program in the fall) we still want do go through what we are positive we are not ready to do again.

There is no cure. Like with so many things, you cannot help how you feel, only how you behave.

[tyrannostache]

You're just 8 months out. I suggest that the 12-month rule applies here: make no irreversible, life-altering decisions within 12 months of an irreversible, life-altering event. 

You're still adjusting to the new reality and your hormones are still all out of whack.

Re-evalute in 4-6 months or when you have started to get a semi-normal amount of sleep.