Complimenting and Rewarding Kidlets

[dweebyhawkeyes]

So I don't have children of my own but I work at a school. What's driving me crazy lately is the emphasis on things. I try to compliment a child on his or her kindness, or honesty, or hard work, or cleanliness, or intelligence, or athleticism, or humility, etc rather than what they are wearing that day or even how cute they are. I feel like teaching children that their worth is what they look like or what they have just isn't healthy.

Anyway, I've been having difficulty especially with children showing off what they have and even my own hypocrisy in incentives. For the former, what am I supposed to say when a three year-old child tries to impress me with her new Hello Kitty shirt/light-up shoes/lunchbox/whatever? And for the latter, what kind of incentive system would be best for fostering morality? My system now is giving children "points" when they behave well and giving them a reward from a "prize box" when they accumulate ten of these points. Unfortunately, all this seems to teach them is: good behavior = toys! Yikes! I don't like that the current system is basically bribery and would love input. What have you Mustachian parents used to demonstrate that good behavior is worth it because it makes you a better person?

[Hadilly]

You must read "Mindset" by Carol Dweck. It will completely change how you deal with children. Basically, you want to comment on what they actually do, rather than a generic, "Good Job!" Instead, you say, "I noticed that you put your lunchbox away when I asked you." Or, "I like how you painted with lots of reds and purples." Whatever it is, you are specific and pay attention to what they actually did. If they behave well, you tell them that you appreciated their action. (Like tonight when my 4 year old asked the toddler to move rather than kicking him over, "That was great how you used your words rather than your feet.")

Anyway, it is very effective at getting children to behave well because they love the mindful attention.

[N]

You may find the book by Alfie Kohn called Punished by Rewards an interesting read.

http://www.deming.ch/Alfie_Kohn/E_Reward.pdf

also this:
http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/04/16/six-words-you-should-say-today/

Can be adapted to the situation you described with the kid being excited about the hello kitty shirt, etc:

"I can see you really love it!" or "I can tell how excited you are about it!"

http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/gentle_guidance.html

[dragoncar]

Kidlets?  As in a smaller version of kids, which are themselves already smaller versions of adults?  Honestly, where does it end with you people?

[NWstubble]

Kidlets?  As in a smaller version of kids, which are themselves already smaller versions of adults?  Honestly, where does it end with you people?

I prefer "groms".

[gooki]

Just want to say thanks for starting this thread.

[brand new stash]

Preschool my kids went to used a point system, but instead of a toy from the box, your name went on the special list.  Then whenever there was something special for a kid to do, the kid on the top of the special list got to do it.  Something special doesn't have to be particularly special by adult standards.  The favorite special activity hands down is walking to the office with one of the teachers whenever something has to be dropped off or picked up at the office.  Another big hit special activity is holding the flag during the pledge of allegiance. 

I agree with the previous poster that when a kid shows you their stuff, "I can tell you are happy about it" is a good response.  But I don't think you are doing them a terrible disservice to quickly compliment whatever it is, and move on.   Also, you can take something about it and move them onto a different activity.  "Those shoes are really sparkly purple, can you draw me a picture using lots of purple?"

[rollie]

I agree with Brand new stash. Activities are great rewards, as is recognition (name on list, simple compliments). I love the idea of holding the flag! I let my daughter select a book to be read to her if she does something wonderful. By the way, if you are going to bribe them--books are far better than toys.

[WhatMomWears]

The kid(let) is excited about the shirt because the parents/grandparent/etc who gave them the shirt is excited about it.
How about saying "yes it is a nice shirt, did you put in on all by yourself?" (for a three year old obviously not an older kid) and then get excited about the fact that they dressed themselves? Just a thought as a mother of a three year old who has to battle this constantly (both from myself, my husband and the grandparents - it's hard).

[Zamboni]

My children always like the non-material school rewards the best.  One of their favorites has been earning a chance to eat lunch with the teacher (the two of them sit at a separate table in the cafeteria.)  That way they get her undivided attention for all of 20 minutes.  Sometimes a group of kids earns "eating lunch in the classroom" instead of the cafeteria.  Another reward that they loved when they were smaller was earning the right to wear their pajamas to school.  And, as a previous poster pointed out, any reward that involves helping the teaching is a big hit.  I remember being thrilled to alphabetically file papers for my second grade teacher.  Children seem to love responsibility!

I would say do away with the "treasure box" and make all of the rewards experiential.  Good luck!

[oldtoyota]

I second the Alfie Kohn recommendation. When my child was learning to use the bathroom, she received no rewards. No one rewards me. That is just part of what we do as humans who want to be clean. So, she got taught what to do and was expected do as she became physically able.

When she learns something, I never say, "Good job!" **shudder** I shudder when I hear parents say that (multiple times, of course) to their children for doing everyday ordinary things like putting a toy back in a box. I would say something along the lines of, "When you put the toy back in the box, it sure helps the room stay clean!"

I have often explained we use certain manners because that is what is expected in our society and culture. I explained this to her at a very young age, and courtesy is mostly second nature to her now.