I don't want a baby shower

[fidgiegirl]

I just don't.  I don't want to have people watch me open a bunch of stuff.  I don't want people judging me for what I've registered/haven't registered for.  I don't even want to register at all or set foot in a Babies R Us.  We make plenty of money to buy what we need.

I am really trying to remind myself that a baby doesn't need everything set up and ready to go for the entire first year the minute s/he pops out.  We can wait and see how our lives shake out and then acquire as needed.  Plus my girlfriend has already offered us free and cheap stuff (she knows me and knows I appreciate her recommendations as a similarly-minded person and very recent mom), a lady at work is bringing us a free stroller, we picked up a used pack and play in super good shape, etc.  It doesn't help that one of the Top Ten topics of conversation is our plans for the nursery.  Ugh.

Am I awful?

Ugh again.

P.S.  I have read that great Mrs. MM article from the early days of the blog, maybe should go back and find it again.  Loved it.

[starbuck]

I just don't.

There's your answer. If you don't want one, don't have one. Set your boundaries now. I didn't have a bridal shower, and don't regret it for a second. Didn't register for anything either.

If you do end up having one, all is not lost. Have a book themed baby shower where everyone brings their favorite children's book. Boom, baby library! And if people buy you weird shit anyways, smile and write a thank you card, return it if possible, pass it along if not. You've got more important stuff to focus your energy on!

(Congrats btw!)

[swiper]

Am I awful?

No, you are a hero(ine)!

[mrsggrowsveg]

You are just fine.  I have Babies R Us too.  I had to go there a few times and it was way too excessive.  It is true that babies don't need much at all.  If you still want to do anything special a Blessingway is a really nice type of party to have with close friends.  A friend of mine had one and it just involved talking, eating and giving good wishes for the labor and new baby.

Congrats on the baby!

[footenote]

Am I awful?

No, you are a hero(ine)!

+1000

[avonlea]

People could give to your family in ways other than providing you with stuff. 

A family member or a friend could start a meal train and email invitations to people you know. http://www.mealtrain.com/ (If you have any food allergies or preferences, they can be listed.)

I know of one man who mows lawns for couples as a baby present. Shoveling a driveway could also be nice if a baby is born in the winter.  I don't think there is a site centered around getting people to volunteer for these services, though. :)

[MsSindy]

Definitely make your wishes known, but try to offer something that people CAN do for you.  Whether it's because of obligation or a genuine interest, people want to do something.... and most people want to do something that would resonate with the new parent's lifestyle.

We currently have 2 women in our workplace that are expecting and we always do a volunteer collection and have a little celebratory cake and presents.  It's much easier to pull off if they register or at least talk about what they want/don't want.  The first timer needs 'stuff' and has registered at Target for a bunch of practical items.  The other is on her third and so doesn't need 'stuff', so we're creating a date night theme for her and her husband.  I'm hoping they'll both be happy.

As someone who doesn't have kids, didn't have a wedding/shower, and generally not into these things I would just wish them well and be on my merry way.  But, people in my office seem to be genuinely generous and want to express their thoughtfulness.....I guess my two cents is, make your wishes known, but give people a way to participate that is meaningful to you.

[ruthiegirl]

Is it the gifts that you don't want or the gathering itself? 

There are lots of ways to celebrate a new baby that do not involve a trip to to the mega-crap-store.

We have 4 kids and have always had a gathering of some sort, but I promise you...no one has ever given me a diaper cake or played any of the silly shower games.

We have had a 'build a library' party.  Friends and family came for a potluck and brought their favorite children's book.  Lovely party and we still have all of those books 12 years later. 

If you lean towards the hippy side of life, a mother's blessing is a wonderful way to celebrate a new life without the hype of gifts.  It can be whatever you want.  For me, my friends planned a cozy evening in my home, blazing fireplace, lots of candles, good food, and a personal blessing/good words from each of my friends.  They each brought a bead that we strung on a necklace that I wore while birthing. 

I'll let you in on a big secret...people love, love, love to celebrate a new baby.  They love to buy for a new baby, they love to be involved.  So, knowing that people will try to throw you a party and buy you things, why not give them a bit of guidance and help them help you. 

[pachnik]

okay, I have no kids and never had a wedding shower so have no practical experience of being the guest of honour. 

But there are some great ideas on this thread.  I love the idea of a books theme shower or the one just above - the mother's blessing.  I will keep these ideas in mind should i ever throw a shower.   Maybe something more low-key like this appeals to you?  If you hate those games people play at showers, just tell whoever is hosting it to not do it.  I am sure your wishes will be respected. 

And, yes, people just love to celebrate the birth of a baby.

[avonlea]

Just remembered something...

Do you live near family? Will anyone be staying with you during the first few weeks after you deliver?  If not, you might want to ask for friends/family/coworkers to help you hire a postpartum doula.  It's becoming a somewhat common baby shower request nowadays.
http://americanpregnancy.org/planningandpreparing/postpartumdoula.html

[brand new stash]

If you don't want a baby shower.  Don't have one.   If someone offers to throw one, thank them, but tell them you would rather not have a shower.

If people still give you gifts, and some will, thank them politely. 

You don't need to set up any of these alternative giving things...just politely thank the people who give you things and politely turn down offers of a shower.

[avonlea]

people want to do something.... and most people want to do something that would resonate with the new parent's lifestyle.

I am not quite sure what MsSindy means by this, but when you become a new parent, your lifestyle will be surviving.  There will be days when you barely have any time to clean, shower, cook...anything but take care of the baby.

[rockstache]

Wow...are you me? I'm not having a baby (yet) but I have thought about this so many times. I wasn't planning on having a wedding shower, but my MIL insisted (to almost the point of tears) that we have one, and I wasn't ready to fight that battle then. I did make my husband sit through it and open all gifts with me. However I dread the baby shower even more now that I have been through the wedding one, and I absolutely refuse to have one. You are not awful, you are normal. I like the book idea, but for me part of the problem is the party itself. I hate them. I am going to suggest a backyard bbq once the baby arrives. No gifts, just come and meet the baby. That should be celebration enough and it takes the focus off the mom (and prying hands that want to touch the belly...ick), and puts it on the baby. Then again, I wouldn't mind handing my new baby off to anyone that wants to hold it, so I might be in the minority of first time mothers.

[SisterX]

Oh my gosh, this is so incredibly timely!  I just had my (second, surprise) baby shower yesterday.  At work.  I hate being the center of attention, and the fact that it was in a professional setting made it just a bit worse.  It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable to have something that's supposed to be all about me.  I didn't have a bridal shower or anything, and even birthday parties I'm super happy to share with my husband (our bdays are a day apart) so that it's not all about me.
Other than being uncomfortable, though, the showers really weren't so bad.  A lot of people homemade small gifts, like a baby hat or a bib or a blanket.  We got a decent number of books, which I can't see as a bad thing, a few stuffed animals, and some practical items like baby wash.  So even though a baby shower wasn't what I really wanted, the people who did give gifts either knew and respected our wishes for what we wanted or are parents themselves and so knew what new parents need the most and didn't give us crap.  My only complaint is that nearly everything is pink!  (If people insist on giving you a shower, or buying things for you, don't tell them the baby's gender.  I freaking HATE gendered baby items.)
I'm also trying to be philosophical about it all.  As other people have said, people are excited for babies and for new parents.  They want to do something nice for you and be a part of your miracle.  So if you end up with a surprise baby shower like me, just remember that it's as much about the people around you as it is about you.

[fidgiegirl]

it's as much about the people around you as it is about you.

That might be the essence of the concern . . .that it's more about what others think we should/shouldn't do/have/be as parents than what we want.  But we do have a lot of love in our lives, and that's not a curse, for sure. :)

Thanks for all the good ideas.  I've calmed down about it a bit now, and you helped me see some less stressful alternatives to propose for celebration.

Congrats to all the mamas :)

[SisterX]

it's as much about the people around you as it is about you.

That might be the essence of the concern . . .that it's more about what others think we should/shouldn't do/have/be as parents than what we want.  But we do have a lot of love in our lives, and that's not a curse, for sure. :)

That is the crux, isn't it?  But I've been consciously making myself feel loved, rather than ambushed, by my surprise showers.  In my group of friends, my husband and I are trailblazing the path to parenthood, so friends are both super excited and, I think, a little anxious to see how it goes.  How will it change us, our relationship, our friendships?  So there is that, but at the same time they're supporting us every way they know how and letting us know that they still want to be a part of our lives, and a part of the new little life we're making.
I have never thought about this from a social signalling aspect before.  :)  At least, not quite this in-depth.
And congrats to you too, fidgiegirl!  I hope Babyfidgie is treating you well.

[Gray Matter]

People get very weird about weddings and babies.  I did not have a bridal shower, because my family agrees with me that they are completely unnecessary in a day and age when most people have fully-outfitted houses before they ever get married. 

Baby showers were different.  I said no and ended up with three.  None by my family (again, they think like me), but one by a close friend who really, really, really wanted to do it, and one by my husband's colleagues, and one by my colleagues.  If you really cannot stand the party, then you can just refuse, but I agree with ruthiegirl, people (most? many?) really love to celebrate a new life and I started to feel grinchy by not allowing it.

But I set rules:
1.  Everyone at a party had to know everyone else.  So no big parties with a bunch of family and friends and colleagues standing awkwardly around staring at each other.  The parties were small and since everyone already knew each other, it was a fun social gathering for everyone.
2.  No silly games.  No melted candy bars in diapers, etc.

I also did the "build a library" thing and that was really cool--people wrote why their favorite books were their favorites and it was really touching and I learned a lot about my friends.

The party thrown by my husband's colleagues was a couples party on a Friday night at one of their houses--it was fun and the baby shower part was really low key.

You could also have a "we have so much, we don't need anything but please bring something for the local crisis nursery" party.

These social conventions can be hard to buck, but that doesn't mean you have to go along with it if you really don't want to.

[blissmonkey80]

I second the Blessingway/Mother Blessing thought…I have been to a few REALLY amazing ones--the focus is on the mother, as opposed to buying stuff for the baby.  They tend to be smaller gatherings, though, more for close friends.  The friends with similar values to yourself would more than likely be your Blessingway invitees ;)  I think a 'feed your freezer' party would be awesome for a larger, slightly less personal gathering (thinking family members/extended family).  I also like the book idea!  I highly recommend setting your boundaries now and try to get the focus on experiences or consumables, as opposed to 'stuff'.  Good luck! :)

[mm1970]

I didn't want one either.  With my first child, my friend had one, and it was very nice.

With my second child, 6 years later (I had gotten rid of everything), - we had just hired a good old friend/ colleague of mine and she just threw one.  Didn't give me a choice.

I am an engineer, and aside from a few of us, it was a room full of guys.  Which made it...interesting, to say the least.  She wanted me to register so I made a list of things I needed from Kmart, and didn't fight it.

It was more about her desire to do it for me, and I was fine with that.  I hate being the center of attention, but I did make my husband come too.

[kdms]

Just had to chime in on this one - with my second due in a couple of weeks, my closest coworker insisted on throwing me a baby shower.  I'm of the same mind as a lot of people here in that I'd rather have contractions than be the center of attention for even a short amount of time.  But others are right - it's not always about the mom; people just like to celebrate happy occasions sometimes and while I set quite a few limitations (no games, no surprise parties because I'd be more likely to punch someone first before screaming in surprise) she was quite happy to agree to my requests as long as I agreed to show up.  My division had just finished dealing with the brunt of a tragedy where three people (that most of us knew personally) died, and a baby shower, while not solving the problem, gave people some emotional respite from the fallout.

And while I did get a few pink outfits my coworker was actually really thoughtful and invited people to contribute to a pool where she took in donations and then did the shopping herself, and she made a point of getting items we'd actually use - a gift certificate at my favourite second-hand store for kids clothes, a generously stocked bag of crafts and books for my 3yo son, a bag of 'mom-time' products from the Body Shop for me, and even a small gift for my husband.  Aside from the new outfits, there was nothing in there for the baby.  Obviously, she knows me better than I thought she did, which was both nice (and a little unsettling) to discover - she did everything she could to make it comfortable for me to attend, and to make the gifts useful and practical enough to suit our family lifestyle and needs, considering that we're already overstocked from my son's childhood.  So in the end, it wasn't that bad, and it was actually quite nice to discover how many people cared enough to take part.

[rocksinmyhead]

And while I did get a few pink outfits my coworker was actually really thoughtful and invited people to contribute to a pool where she took in donations and then did the shopping herself, and she made a point of getting items we'd actually use - a gift certificate at my favourite second-hand store for kids clothes, a generously stocked bag of crafts and books for my 3yo son, a bag of 'mom-time' products from the Body Shop for me, and even a small gift for my husband.  Aside from the new outfits, there was nothing in there for the baby.  Obviously, she knows me better than I thought she did, which was both nice (and a little unsettling) to discover - she did everything she could to make it comfortable for me to attend, and to make the gifts useful and practical enough to suit our family lifestyle and needs, considering that we're already overstocked from my son's childhood.  So in the end, it wasn't that bad, and it was actually quite nice to discover how many people cared enough to take part.

This is so sweet! What an amazing coworker.

[CNM]

We didn't want one either.  And we ESPECIALLY didn't want a gender specific one (most showers are women only) nor did we want to open gifts.  But we DID want to have a party.  So we threw one! 

We called it a Bon Voyage Party - as we were sailing off into parenthood, never to be seen by our friends again (kidding, of course)- and decked out our backyard for a BBQ.  We specifically said on the invitations that we didn't want gifts.  We got some anyway, but we opened them after the party was over.   It was a lot of fun and it was a good way to avoid having people feel obligated to throw me a shower. 

[Lorin]

You are not alone.

I had a wedding shower and while I was touched by the love and generosity from my friends and family, it cemented for me that I didn't want a baby shower when #1 came along. So, I didn't. I said "no, thank you" a lot (A LOT) and people gave me weird looks. I didn't care. My husband's coworkers threw him a mini-shower and my MIL's friends had a lunch for her - I didn't go to either. After she was born, our church threw a baby-welcoming party for her which was a little bit like a shower - but she was the center of attention, not me, and the gifts were modest (mostly books, some blankets, etc). Now I am pregnant again and since there's no expectation for 2nd baby showers, no one's questioned when I've said no, the few times I've been asked if I want a shower.

[Everything in Moderation]

I totally get what you are saying.  I don't love the idea of my upcoming baby shower, but I will appreciate the gifts. 

Keep in mind, theses showers are not just for you.  They are for the family members, mothers, aunts, and friends who are so excited for the upcoming baby.  They LOVE helping out, watching you open gifts, and asking intruding questions. 

If you do turn it down, be sensitive to their feelings too. 

[C. K.]

I just don't.  I don't want to have people watch me open a bunch of stuff. 

What did you finally decide? Update please.

[fidgiegirl]

LOL, well, I may have been worried about nothing because no one's made an offer to host one!  So maybe I lucked out on having to have a negotiation!  But it could still happen.  I'm 26 weeks so there is time left.  We shall see.

I appreciate everyone's responses.  Lots of food for thought.  I like the book shower idea or the after-baby-is-here celebration.  Also, we are not going to find out the gender, so that feels better; no abundance of useless frilly dresses or whatever the equivalent silliness is for boys.  My girlfriend said they didn't find out and it was great because they could reuse all their stuff for baby #2, which was the opposite gender of baby #1.

Thanks for asking and further stories always welcome.  :)

[fidgiegirl]

Thought I'd post an update.  After many weeks of no one saying anything, suddenly we had three showers (one at each work and one for friends/family) planned for within a two week span!  The first was tonight at my work.  People were so sweet.  They know we are pretty frugal/green and so in lieu of cards they coordinated to get used children's books.  They also did things like brought in cloth tablecloths and reused plates and made sure all the food was food I could eat (gluten free).  So lovely!

People also mostly bought items from our Target registry or other registry (sokindregistry.org, which I love).  We didn't put a ton of effort into the registries (because our experience with our wedding was that not many people used them anyway) and there must have been a computer glitch with Target's because nothing was updated despite the fact that the givers told me they had turned the sheets in at the cashier.  This group stuck really closely to the registries, so they insisted we needed more items on there, and tonight I spent some time adding a few items they had suggested for the upcoming other two showers.

We are so lucky in that most of our biggish items are all squared away through hand-me-downs and also excellent prices that my friend gave us on really gently used items, and the really big ticket items we are planning to buy ourselves.  Our coworkers aren't going to spend $200 (used!)-$400 (new) on the BOB stroller I want.  We aren't sure yet if we'll go crib or floor bed and can hardly fend off my in-laws who reeeeeally want to buy a crib, but we are telling them just to wait a bit for storage reasons until we're closer to needing it (we plan to use a sidecar style cosleeper for the first few months and leaving up a queen size guest bed in the child's future bedroom until it is time to move the baby in there).  Don't get me wrong, this is a good problem to have, the in-laws, I mean. :)

It was a tad weird sitting in front of everyone and opening the gifts, but they are chill, so it wasn't too high pressure.  :)  Plus they were kind of chatting among themselves so it wasn't like being the total total center of attention.

Now the family/friend shower might be a bit of a different deal, with games and stuff like that, but I did ask them to put an end time on the invite and they did, so it will be two hours long.  And the one at my DH's work (where I also used to work) will be 30 minutes long before school.  That will be over in the blink of an eye.

[pachnik]

Good on you for asking the host/hostess of the friends/family shower to put an end time on the invite.  That is really smart. 

I am glad the shower at your office was fine.  I don't much like being the centre of attention either and I can really relate to that.  it sounds like a really thoughtful event.  It's sweet how people really want to contribute.

[avonlea]

fidgiegirl, it's wonderful to know that your first shower went well. :)   I hope that you enjoy the next two!