I guess in my brain Im imagining that a 1 year old should be able to have an area where it can play for a couple minutes at a time (with appropriate safety measures) without an adult hovering overhead. Is that unrealistic?
Of course you can, you said with the appropriate safety measure. When they are babies and toddlers, they can be left alone. They may fuss or cry or shriek as if they are being murder, but if you are certain they are safe, then being left along for a bit will not cause long term harm
What you described about your friends, its also very normal when they hit about 2 they go through a separation anxiety. This is a normal developmental piece where they realize that the world is a much bigger place than their immediately area and they don't want to be left alone. That doesn't mean you have to be tied at the hip. It means you have to find ways to teach your kids that its okay that you are out of the room for a bit as you will always come back. Each kid is different.
My thought on being a parent is that you have to remember that when a baby is brought into this world they know NOTHING. The don't know how to eat very well, they don't know how to sleep or sooth themselves, they can't even pass gas without help, they can't do their basic needs with out parents providing, protecting and teaching them everything. This doesn't stop as a baby.
I think maybe the interpretation of my comment on struggle is more serious than I intended. The examples I was thinking of we're things like fussing/getting upset over not being able to lift a container full of toys, or running something into a wall and being upset because the thing stopped moving. Constantly redirecting the child in those situations it's becomes hands on every 10 seconds. That's what I observe anyway. It is my hope that there's nothing wrong with allowing that kid to not be able to pick up 10 pounds worth of toys, getting frustrated, and moving on from that to the next thing. I'm sure this would involve more fussing but does not hold the parent as much of a hostage because you're not redirecting every 10 seconds. That's the kind of stuff I was thinking about.
As they become toddlers, they need to learn everything. I believe in natural consequences when possible. However, one has to remember that the toddler doesn't understand that it is a natural consequence. So just letting the toddler struggle with a 10lb box and letting him get frustrated doesn't do anything, cause he doesn't understand why he can't lift the box. He needs to be TAUGHT the natural consequence. For us, that would have meant we would have allowed our toddler to try to lift the 10lb box, when she couldn't we would then explain it's very heavy and give her some options on what she can do. It's tricky at this age, if they can't communicate very well. You can't think about it as being hostage, but you are there to redirect and teach. That can be every 10 seconds. We pretty lucky, we had early communicators and they both seemed to learn very quickly so we didn't have to tell them something so many times. We also worked hard with them to teach them the appropriate behavior which took longer but paid off. I think its really dependant on the child though.
I can tell you that each phase is different. The baby/toddler phase is all about survival, yours and theirs. Then it gets hard when you start worrying about schools and their future, then as school agers if they are making friends and learning, then as tween. OMG I don't even want to talk about that. It's different at each stage.
My observations are parents who seems to adjust better are those that understand that they no longer have the life they did pre-kids. They will no longer mourn the lost of freedom (which I did), and embrace the new life. It just a different path. They realize that the well being of children and family are more important than the individual dreams they had. They can't just try and fit in the kids into the life they had prior. They need to figure out the new life which include these being they brought into the world and are responsible for.
I will give examples of some of our biggest changes in life:
Career - We were both high flying career climbers prior to kids. I have had to turn down or even demote myself into jobs that I don't enjoy as much to be able to have the time I want with the kids. I gave up more fulfillment at work and $ to gain a more fulfilling life with my family. My spouse would travel all the time, now, he only looks at jobs that have minimal travel and flexible hours. We could have made so much more money, but the family is more important. We are lucky we can have the work life balance we want/ Not a big deal if you are retired.
Personal time - there is hardly any for ourselves. I spend my free time volunteering 2-3 times a week with my kids activities. The evenings are spent with the kids. We did find it important to reserve time for ourselves, but we had to really work at finding a kid 'free' time as a couple, we did lunches during work, and would plan a date night about once a month. We also went out with friend once a month when they were little. Now, we can do it more frequently because the kids can stay at home along. (yeah)
Activities - our leisure activities revolve around the kids. You will find you friend other parents so you can have some social time.
Travel - we changed the type of travel we do. No more can we just go anytime we want on a seat sale. We have to go during the most expensive times of the year (summer, xmas, spring break) where every where is crowded. We loved international travel before, but now it's done in much safer, cleaner kid friendly way = $$$$.
My kids are not 10 & 13, and I would go back to when they were toddlers in a moment. It felt like we would never get out of those tough times, and I know we still have many ahead, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. The days were really long but the years are certainly short.
