Birthday parties ugh

[Lentils4Lunch]

Why is it now required that you throw your kid an extravagant birthday party every year. We have opted out of the birthday thing for several years now and I've gotten quite a lot of flack from my other mom friends about it. Grrr... as though we're depriving our kids somehow. This year, when our son turned five, we invited his best friend plus their parents over for dinner and games. He still felt special, had a great time, etc. But I have a few friends that will occasionally still ask me about it. I guess their feelings were hurt that they weren't invited. Do I owe them some kind of apology?

Do any other parents feel this?

[I'm a red panda]

I do NOT understand extravagant birthday parties. Kids just do not need that.

[Poundwise]

Do I owe them some kind of apology?

Nope.

Do any other parents feel this?

Totally. It's hard to hold the line.  I usually compromise by throwing a small old-fashioned home party, including homemade pinatas and crafts. Luckily I find that the parties get smaller as the kids get older, probably because people begin to realize that it's not necessary to invite every child in the class and all their siblings. If you do that, not only is it pointlessly expensive, but then you end up with 20+ invitations a year, which suck up your weekends. If I have to make chitchat at one more hideously noisy laser tag or gym birthday, I'm going to scream.

 I thought about inviting a couple of children over for a party for my youngest, who just turned three, but I decided not to do it. 

[Jakejake]

Ugh, if some other mom cornered me to ask about that, I would have to bite my tongue. Because the other option would be to explain that I wasn't throwing a celebration for them, and I don't think I could find a way to explain that politely.

I guess a better option is to talk about traditions and culture, and talk about how you know big extravagant parties are how some people are raised, but in your family the tradition has always been small intimate gatherings, and you want to honor that tradition. Maybe there's a way to phrase it so it's about respecting your past and your heritage, instead of making a negative statement about their expectations.

[KCM5]

I don't have a problem not doing things to others expectations. Such as throwing birthday parties as they expect. In fact, I don't understand others putting their expectations onto me in that manner?

But anyway, we do throw our kid birthday parties. She's only 4. But we have kids and their parents over for cake, put out a few snacks, and play some games or do a craft. It's fun! And it's a thing that I like to do - if we didn't enjoy it we would choose a different way to celebrate her birthday.

[mm1970]

This year, when our son turned five, we invited his best friend plus their parents over for dinner and games. He still felt special, had a great time, etc. But I have a few friends that will occasionally still ask me about it. I guess their feelings were hurt that they weren't invited. Do I owe them some kind of apology?

Do any other parents feel this?

I'm not really into the parties, but I see it can be a "thing".  When my first son turned 1, we had our best friends over for dinner. We got invited to a handful of 1 year old birthday parties from our baby group.  Year two, we got invited to a lot more.  One couple said "Well, I guess we weren't invited to yours?"  I said "oh, we didn't have one."

So, kid #1 ended up with birthday parties from age 2 to age 7.  I tired of them.  But honestly, a large # of them were "family/ friend" parties, as in ... it was an excuse to see our friends.

Thing is, that gets expensive fast.  All the friends had little siblings.

By birthday #8, I was over it, so I suggested a sleepover.  So, he invited 5 boys over, 3 came, 2 stayed (one was out of town and one was sick).  It was loud but cheap and over quickly.

Then.  Then my husband tells me the following year "hey, I booked the YMCA for a party!"  NO NO NO.  I thought we were OVER it.  "I'll do all the planning."  Fine.  Yah, who had to go out of town on a business trip the week before?  Who ended up doing most of the work?  Yeah.

So, age 10.  I told my son that he could pick 3 friends and we'd take them to the trampoline place.  He picked 4 friends (which was fine, but required us to take 2 cars).  So trampoline place, pizza, cupcakes.  About 1/3 the price of a normal party.  But then later my husband says "you know, I think Lisa and Jackie were really upset that they weren't invited" (two girls in his grade who live on our street).  I said "really?"  I mean, I know they were upset about not being included...but by age 8, the kids are usually "split" - the girls and boys generally don't invite each other to their parties.  And they aren't "family" parties, they are "drop off" parties.  If I invited the girls, it wouldn't have been "only 2 more people", because they have a combined 3 siblings, so it would have been FIVE more people.  Talk about guilt tripping.

Cue kid #2. (6 years younger) His first birthday we ran off to the opposite coast for vacation and let grandma make him a cake.  (Yeah, a party would have been cheaper).
He's 4, still hasn't had a party.  I'm done with parties.  I take him to his friends' parties and happily buy a gift.

[ubermom4]

Kids parties are a minefield of trouble on many fronts. My first suggestion is that if your 'friends' are asking questions about the extravagance of your pre-schooler birthday parties, please look in to getting new friends. It is insanely rude to make any sort of comment whatsoever -- the only gracious comment is thankfulness at being included.

Someone posted about neighbor kids of other gender not being invited to their sons trampoline gathering. In this case, I think it is ok to say it kindly to the mother that we would love to have a couple gathering but no trip to the  expensive activity place.

I don't know where you live or what time of year it is for the birthday --- we had a number of birthday parties at the playground. When the kids are preschoolers, they are less scheduled. I would pick a day close to the birthday that looked like it would have good weather and have an 'impromptu' party at the local playground.  Brought a cake and some toys to play with (bubbles?). I would email the parents of the kids gender and explain the last minute nature of the 'event'. I indicated that presents were completely unnecessary. We had fall and spring birthdays in New England. If your birthday is in the middle of winter and this plan interests you, I would have a 'half' birthday party in the summer when weather is good.

I love the suggestion of the trampoline place and not booking it as a birthday party. If you have a winter birthday, I would do something simple like this -- mostly the kids like playing together. This is more important to them than a fancy venue.

Expensive birthday parties are silly. One of our friends (in LA, of course) went to a pre-schooler birthday party given for the son of a famous working actor. They brought in an elephant for the kids to ride and play with. Insane.

It is great that you are concerned about the activities you see going on around you!! Hope this helps.

[FireHiker]

We are deep in the "birthday party hell" realm as well. We live in a very HCOL, affluent area, and the giant parties are pretty over the top. Last year we did a combo for two of our kids, which was still more than I wanted to spend. This year (well, last month) we did an at home party for the youngest (much, much cheaper and she LOVED it). Trying to figure out what to do for the almost 7 year old. His birthday is in 9 days so I guess it's time to sort it out. Hoping to get away with something small, but he has gone to SO many parties this year that there's the whole reciprocity woe. I wish I didn't have ALL three of them within a month in winter. We did do the outdoor half-birthday party once for the oldest (he turned 16 yesterday, OMG) one year and that was a big hit. Well, whatever we do it will be cheaper than last year anyway.

[COEE]

I don't mind throwing or going to birthday parties that much... It's a few hundred each year for my daughter, whom I love, to celebrate and remember one of the happiest days of our families life ...but FUCK - the cost of birthday presents is eating me alive!  $20-$30 each x (30 kids in class + ~10 family friends) = a SHIT TON of money every year - that I don't want to think about.

My wife and I have talked a LOT about how to handle this in the future - because it's robbing our future!  At risk of hijacking the thread - I'd love to hear how others have handled this.

I've thought about starting to tell all of my daughter's friend's parents that we will attend, because we do want to celebrate the happy event with them, but we won't bring a present - in return, we won't ask that they bring presents to her party.

[ltt]

I don't mind throwing or going to birthday parties that much... It's a few hundred each year for my daughter, whom I love, to celebrate and remember one of the happiest days of our families life ...but FUCK - the cost of birthday presents is eating me alive!  $20-$30 each x (30 kids in class + ~10 family friends) = a SHIT TON of money every year - that I don't want to think about.

My wife and I have talked a LOT about how to handle this in the future - because it's robbing our future!  At risk of hijacking the thread - I'd love to hear how others have handled this.

I've thought about starting to tell all of my daughter's friend's parents that we will attend, because we do want to celebrate the happy event with them, but we won't bring a present - in return, we won't ask that they bring presents to her party.

You can definitely cut down on the cost of presents.  For the majority of parties our daughter has attended within the past few years, we've simply taken a bag of candy, wrapped it up, and added a ribbon around it.  Or you can find the very small cube storage containers and put some of the movie size boxes of candy in it.  Very inexpensive, easy, and, more importantly, the birthday kid likes it.  You can also take the empty toilet paper cardboard roll, put $5 or $10 down in the middle of it, wrap it up in some tissue paper with a ribbon at each end for a great, easy gift.  We've also wrapped up 1 or 2 large packages of Oreo cookies.  Kids love this kind of stuff and it's very simple and inexpensive.

[KCM5]

So, my kid has been to maybe a dozen birthday parties in her life. The number of times that presents weren't specifically not requested? Two. (That's a lot of negatives. I'm trying to say that they wrote on the invite "no presents, please" every time but two.)

What's with the presents? I have a kid, I know how much stuff she has. She doesn't need more! She just loves having friends around for her birthday. And those two parties where they didn't request no presents were parents that were outside of my immediate friend ground and also people that I really wouldn't want to be friends with (not because of the presents, just because we seem so different, which perhaps has been signified by the fact that they're okay with their kid getting more unnecessary stuff for his or her birthday).

I send a book as a present every time and not feel guilty about it. My kid picks out the book and is excited to give it to her friend.

[Goldielocks]

Parties start to go away at age 9, if not sooner.   Some ideas until then:

1)  Party every other year, and small special dinner / family time alternating
2)  Hold birthday party joint for both siblings at the same time (works well if they are within 2-3 months of birthdates.)  Have a family cake on the actual day.
3)  Go joint with another kid from the classroom.  Really..  If you have an "invite the whole class" culture, just do a joint party and cut costs and planning in half.
4)  invite the number of kids as the birthday age, up to age 8.

Offer to buy kid a larger present, OR the party is a present.  you will quickly see where their interest in this lies.

Good Luck!   The surprise is when you realize at least 25% of the other parents are also doing the above things.  We stopped the birthday parties by age 7 or 8, and then just had a big family barbeque / summer party, since that is the reason for most of the birthday parties anyway, and I did not like the gifting excess.  A party with my friends, not focused just on kids, without gifts is awesome.  (kids got family cake parties or one friend to a movie type events only after that)

[frugalfelicia]

For the first few years, we did at home parties with a couple of friends and parent(s). I think at about age 5/6, I booked a party at the YMCA and we have done similar things every year since. It's so expensive! The cost of booking the place, whether it's the Y or laser tag or whatever, plus the gifts, plus goodie bags if you do them (I don't anymore), it all adds up. I've even got into the habit of ordering a fancy cake each year! Gah.

My plan for this year is to offer a choice. Either a small at-home gathering with a few friends, some pizza and a homemade cake, plus a gift from me, OR no gift but a party with lots of friends. Either way it will cut my costs in half.

[Lentils4Lunch]

frugalfelicia, you struck a nerve with me - Goody Bags!! Props to you for not doing them.

I really hate everything about goody bags. They are just the epitome of the pointless, thoughtless consumption that pervades our modern lives. Blech...

It reminds me of a good article that popped up on my newsfeed yesterday: http://www.monbiot.com/2012/12/10/the-gift-of-death/

[Stachetastic]

My kids are 4 and 8 (with the 8 yr old only visiting on weekends). So far, we've almost always just done small family gatherings at our home. We have given the oldest the option of no party and going somewhere as a family instead, like the zoo or the science center. When he chose this option, no one in our extended family even asked if we had a party or why they weren't invited to one. It blows my mind that other parents would be so bold. Our youngest is in preschool and attends a home day care, and we have never considered inviting any of the other children he's around. It just never occurred to us, and he's never been invited to any of their birthdays, thankfully.  I hope we've set low expectations for birthdays in our household that will stick as the kids get older and build more friendships. I want them to be included and to have a social circle, but I struggle with sacrificing our family time every weekend for some random classmate's party.

[dividendman]

It seems like parents, in general, want to throw the party more than the kids. I was at a birthday party for some kid around 4 years old, most of the kids have their ipads/tablets out and are watching cartoons. A couple of kids are playing with little cars an other toys in this play area. Some kids are blowing bubbles. All of the kids seem to be having a decent time just doing their own thing.

The parents then cajole the kids into doing "party" things like checking the loot bags, opening the presents, cutting cakes, taking a "cute" group photo (that took half an hour of kid whining/crying to happen) etc. The kids seemed to want to keep doing their normal play activities and didn't care about the party crap. A lot of the parents were drinking heavily.

[Poundwise]

We are deep in the "birthday party hell" realm as well. We live in a very HCOL, affluent area, and the giant parties are pretty over the top. Last year we did a combo for two of our kids, which was still more than I wanted to spend. This year (well, last month) we did an at home party for the youngest (much, much cheaper and she LOVED it). Trying to figure out what to do for the almost 7 year old. His birthday is in 9 days so I guess it's time to sort it out. Hoping to get away with something small, but he has gone to SO many parties this year that there's the whole reciprocity woe. I wish I didn't have ALL three of them within a month in winter. We did do the outdoor half-birthday party once for the oldest (he turned 16 yesterday, OMG) one year and that was a big hit. Well, whatever we do it will be cheaper than last year anyway.

I should have posted earlier, but I've found that one thing that all kids like is hidden treasure. We sometimes do a treasure hunt with very simple clues, and sometimes I make a "fossil dig" with small coins and colorful polished rocks embedded in plaster.  We always make a pinata for the end. I provide a nice bag for all the treasure/crafts/candy, and that's the goodie bag (I ignore the child who inevitably asks "Where's the goodie bag?"... there's always one.)

I always try to give fewer goodies that are worthwhile to keep... back when I only had one kid, I even sewed cloth bags and made matching bean bags with stale dried beans or rice that I baked in the oven... a friend recently mentioned that they still use these from 8 years ago.

 For my son's 7th birthday, we did a Minecraft theme party at home... lots of printables available on the web. Painted cardboard boxes and put tape on the windows to create the feel of being in a Minecraft dungeon. For crafts, we printed out patterns for LED torches on cardboard (I think this craft turned out to be a little too hard for 7 year olds though) and made Perler bead swords (surprisingly popular, but pesky to keep the kids calm in the room where I was ironing their Perler beads.)
The more active kids enjoyed stacking big cardboard boxes in our small yard and then knocking them down.  As far as I could see, all the guests loved this party, even though expensive parties are the norm around here.

However, because I put the party together in 3 days flat, we were completely wiped out and I don't feel ready to do another one in a long while. 

[kms]

I never had a big birthday party as a kid and quite frankly I never felt left out or somehow deprived. And neither are my kids ever going to get any of those stereotypical look-at-what-i-can-afford-to-waste-on-my-kid parties. Familiy and friends over once they're old enough to know what friends are? Sure. But that's as far as it goes.

I've been wondering about those extravaganza birthday parties for little kids a lot lately, and quite frankly at this point I'm fairly convinced that this is one of the things that has swapped over from movies & TV into real life. In movies & TV everybody is always throwing these HUGE birthday parties with clowns, ponies, a princess for the girls, bouncy castles and trampolines, facepainting artists, etc. for their toddlers regardless of actual cost (aka considering the income situation of the protagonists or characters) because they make a great setting for some drama - kid afraid of clowns climbs up tree and refuses to come back down, pony runs havoc around the bouncy castle, one of the fathers gets his tounge stuck to the ice sculpture (notice how I am specifically excluding all females from this particular one because, well, kinda obvious isn't it?), etc. I think there's a spillover effect here and once it had started the "keeping up with the Joneses" effect kicked in.

[NeonPegasus]

I'm on kid #3 and this is what I've learned:

1st birthday - YES, have a party! This is for the parents. Serve alcohol. Celebrate the fact that you all survived.
2nd-4th birthdays - No way in hell should you have a party with kids. They always end in tears. This is family only time.
5th birthday - You probably have to invite the whole class. Bummer for you.
6th birthday - Kids start separating by gender. Invite only half the class.
7th birthdays and beyond - You can start being more selective.

The only party we've ever had outside the house has been at Build-A-Bear. It was cheap but poorly organized so I wouldn't recommend it. Every other party has been at home or a park. I find that kids LOVE being able to play together without it being so structured, though coming up with a theme can really help.

We've done superhero parties (kids dress up as a superhero). The latest thing for the 6-7 year old set is pajama parties. They come to the house at 5 pm dressed in jammies, party and go home around 9. I had one last year and other classmates loved it so much there have been 3 more this year. For the older kid, we've done spend the night parties. My daughters have always enjoyed their home parties and don't want to go anywhere else, even though kids at their school can have some pretty expensive parties.

When we have large parties, I ask guests not to bring gifts. I feel no compunction about not handing out goody bags. The only time I allow gifts is if it's a small party with close friends. I still don't hand out goody bags as I am providing food, drinks and entertainment.

One cheap middle ground is to buy cheapo punch balloons at the dollar store, let the kids go crazy playing with them and then send the kids home with them. It is both a gift and party cleanup at the same time.

As for giving gifts, we typically spend about $20/gift but if you want to save money, buy 1 book and be done. That's inexpensive and almost always appreciated by the parent, if not the child. ;)

[MandalayVA]

Bemoan big birthday parties all you want, but my sixteen-year-old niece has quite the side hustle going being Princess Elsa (Frozen) at birthday parties.  She shows up, sings "Let It Go", maybe does a craft or two with the kids, and gets at least a hundred bucks a shot--more often than not she gets a tip too.  I've told her she should be Cinderella and I can be the Fairy Godmother and bust out a few bars of "Bibbity Bobbity Boo" and we'll clean up.  :D

[NeonPegasus]

Bemoan big birthday parties all you want, but my sixteen-year-old niece has quite the side hustle going being Princess Elsa (Frozen) at birthday parties.  She shows up, sings "Let It Go", maybe does a craft or two with the kids, and gets at least a hundred bucks a shot--more often than not she gets a tip too.  I've told her she should be Cinderella and I can be the Fairy Godmother and bust out a few bars of "Bibbity Bobbity Boo" and we'll clean up.  :D

Brilliant.

If she cleaned up at the end of the party in character, she could really charge a premium!

[MandalayVA]

Brilliant.

If she cleaned up at the end of the party in character, she could really charge a premium!

Princesses don't clean.  /disdainful sniff

:D

[Frugal Lizard]

With kids 15 and 12 we done it all. 
Parties were getting out of control.  My daughter would be invited to about 20 a year - and at $20 per gift - EGADS!  My son was slightly less popular but still.  I was finding it hard to get a gift that wasn't plastic landfill after a while - and all this useless plastic crap was coming home into our house.
We now have five and five parties.  A five dollar bill for the birthday kid to spend at will on something they really want and the other five to the charity they select.  It is a fantastic learning opportunity - they carefully chose their charity.  They often get some really positive feedback from the charity.  I get a tax receipt.  One year the Nature Conservancy of Canada mailed daughter a thank you letter, a calendar, their sticker collection, all their brochures identifying backyard birds and butterflies and a button. 
Then the kids have to budget what they will use the money on.  When they were younger, they did a lot of learning about addition, tax and change.  It takes them months to figure out what and how spend the money on. Often some of the money ends up in the bank because the thing they really want is more than what they got at the party and they save up from other gifts of cash.  It is a great life lesson.  And no useless plastic crap entered our home.

My daughter loves to have a party that they can play team games at.  Her birthday is mid April and it seems to work out that they can be outside.  Now that they are older I make an orienteering course or scavenger hunt and inform the parents that they are going to be running around the neighbourhood in teams prior to them coming.  I give the kids clear rules - sticking together, crossing streets at intersections only, not going down the slope to the river.  Most of them aren't allowed to run around their neighbourhood so the freedom is amazing.  Apart from the river, our neighbourhood is safe and used to free range kids.
My son is older and with a party in July - it is typically beyond hot for tearing around and frequently his friends are away on holiday.  Now that he is older, it is all about the food.  He is a bit of a foodie and wants a homemade cake with minimal icing.  For his twelfth, he requested a chocolate cake with a raspberry drizzle - not too sweet on the raspberry so that the raspberry flavour came through.  (not exaggerating)  His friends have mentioned how they like his birthday parties - there is always good food.  They will find some amusements outside but will also sit around playing a board game.  This past year they did "a minute to win it".

I decreed no gift bags because it is bad for the earth and have had many parents thank me for shifting the bar.  Kids that asked about the gift bags were told that you don't do gift bags with a five and five party.  They were ok with that.

I always sit them in the dining room with a table cloth, napkins and our real dishes and cups.  They are kind of nervous at first but it sets a tone for behaviour.

[pachnik]

Bemoan big birthday parties all you want, but my sixteen-year-old niece has quite the side hustle going being Princess Elsa (Frozen) at birthday parties.  She shows up, sings "Let It Go", maybe does a craft or two with the kids, and gets at least a hundred bucks a shot--more often than not she gets a tip too.  I've told her she should be Cinderella and I can be the Fairy Godmother and bust out a few bars of "Bibbity Bobbity Boo" and we'll clean up.  :D

This is priceless and made me laugh out loud!  I think your niece will go far in life thinking like this at the age of 16. 

[Novik]

True story: when I was in kindergarten, my mom kept worrying because I wasn't being invited to birthday parties... she was worrying I was being excluded or didn't have friends or would feel left out. Finally, I came home with an invitation to a birthday party, and apparently while my mom was so excited, my reaction was to be unsure if I even wanted to go! Big loud parties in strange places were never my thing...

Growing up, birthday party duties alternated between my divorced parents. And while my dad's mostly non-mustachian parties definitely stand out in memory more because they were different each year, I definitely enjoyed my mom's at home parties more overall (with no presents or goody bags). And because parties were frugal, we could also have an "end of school" party in the big backyard, with the highlight being make your own ice cream sundaes.

One of the coolest birthday parties we ever had was organized by my mom for my little sister when she was in grade 4 or 5. It was an "Amazing Race" themed event around the neighbourhood with different shops/library/etc giving out clues or challenges, and had me and some friends (3 years older) each supervise a group. Not easy to organize, for sure, but not expensive either, and way cooler than something generic like laser tag.

The one practical tip I can offer is to stockpile generic presents... ours was a few fun all-ages card game that my mom would buy on sale.

[NeonPegasus]

Now that he is older, it is all about the food.  He is a bit of a foodie and wants a homemade cake with minimal icing.  For his twelfth, he requested a chocolate cake with a raspberry drizzle - not too sweet on the raspberry so that the raspberry flavour came through.  (not exaggerating)

My oldest is like this. At age 8, here were the instructions for her cake - chocolate layer cake with strawberry filling, with strawberry icing and chocolate dipped strawberries and drizzled with chocolate. It was the kind of cake that would have cost a gazillion dollars at the bakery and she was so utterly delighted when I made it for her. It really is the little things ...

[ahoy]

I'm sick of the party thing as well.   I always figured that if other parents want to throw special parties for their kids at "party places" that works out well for my kids if they are attending.

I am finding that I am getting cheaper over the years with parties.  For around ages 6, 7, 8 they were both having parties at home and now we have switched to sleepovers with 2 to 3 friends.  All we provide is dinner (sometimes cheap Dominoes pizza) and the living room for them to sleep in. 

Also, my gifts for other kids have been getting less expensive.  My old minimum was $20, now I got it down too around $12.  I get annoyed at what my kid last received in gifts for her sleepover eg:  hard to do crafts that use thread or colored string to make bracelets and such.  My youngest is 11 this year, so I think we are almost out of the attending parties (yippee...). 

If I told my kids I will throw a party for $100 or you can have the cash, they would both take the cash!

[chouchouu]

I don't mind throwing or going to birthday parties that much... It's a few hundred each year for my daughter, whom I love, to celebrate and remember one of the happiest days of our families life ...but FUCK - the cost of birthday presents is eating me alive!  $20-$30 each x (30 kids in class + ~10 family friends) = a SHIT TON of money every year - that I don't want to think about.

My wife and I have talked a LOT about how to handle this in the future - because it's robbing our future!  At risk of hijacking the thread - I'd love to hear how others have handled this.

I've thought about starting to tell all of my daughter's friend's parents that we will attend, because we do want to celebrate the happy event with them, but we won't bring a present - in return, we won't ask that they bring presents to her party.

I bought books in bulk, several Julia Donaldson ten packs at $15 each so $1.5 each but I tend to give two books so it works out at $3 each. These were from an Aussie website called mumgo but in the past I've got similar deals from Costco and book fairs. I also buy from Aldi where the books are slightly more expensive but occasionally get reduced to around $3 each. recently I bought a bunch of colouring books and textas which cost $6 together, so more expensive but still not too bad. As a parent I wish people would stop buying extravagent presents for my kids, they don't need another Elsa doll, especially one that costs $40! I loved when someone just bought us colouring books, hence why I stole that idea!

[emilypsf]

I hate goody bags!  I live in a city, and most people are in small spaces, so a common topic of conversation is having too much crap in your house.  But, these same people give out goody bags at their kids' parties.  Why???  And why don't these same people do no presents parties?  We do no presents parties, and my kids don't even realize it because they get presents from family anyway.  We also do no goody bags.  We've always done playground parties.  Playground + homemade sandwiches + cake is really not much work or expense, and the kids love it.  Of course you need decent weather.

[scissorbill]

A child at my kids' school just turned seven and her party consisted of a limousine ride for her and six friends 60 miles away to the American Girl store. I don't even want to know what went on after that...

[pbkmaine]

Amy Dacyczyn threw epic birthday parties for her six kids on very little money. Check out her book, The Complete Tightwad Gazette.

[ahoy]

A child at my kids' school just turned seven and her party consisted of a limousine ride for her and six friends 60 miles away to the American Girl store. I don't even want to know what went on after that...

Holy Smokes!!!

[MayDay]

I now give 10$ bills for all friend parties. The last thing I want is more plastic shit in my house, I assume other parents are the same.

For parties, we've always done outdoor ones for DS (September) but DD is February so I've done it at our house.

Although these were both cheap, they are stressful to organize.

Now the kids get to pick 2 friends and I take them to an activity (movie, bounce house place, drop in art studio, etc) then out to ice cream. We do a cake at home later with family.

Much less stress.

[NeonPegasus]

A child at my kids' school just turned seven and her party consisted of a limousine ride for her and six friends 60 miles away to the American Girl store. I don't even want to know what went on after that...

My daughter was invited to a similar type party. A limo took them to a kid spa ...

The birthday girl's mom explained that her mother in law had arranged and paid for all of it. The girl's mom had just had a baby so MIL stepped in. Mom said that if she hadn't let MIL do it up crazy, MIL would have gone crazy with gifts.

The great news is that all of the kids are down to earth enough to be THRILLED that it was a wonderful treat and still be thrilled at anyone's party, even my house parties. :)

[FireHiker]

We got out of the party for my son this year (he just turned 7 on Sunday). We gave him the option of picking out a big lego set, or having a party, and he instantly chose lego set, much to our relief. On his actual birthday my best friend was in town with her two boys, so she watched our 5 year old daughter (girl time, painting nails, etc) while my husband and I took the three boys to see a matinee showing of Rogue One. We rarely go to movies (the last one was a matinee of The Force Awakens, before that was years, I'm not even sure), and my husband and I really wanted to see it, so it was a treat for us too. Very happy to skip the party this year!

[Helvegen]

Why is it now required that you throw your kid an extravagant birthday party every year.

Do any other parents feel this?

1) It isn't.
2) No.

My daughter usually has a party every other year. We have done it at our house for under a hundred bucks. I strictly limit the number of kids to 10. She's never been invited to a party that wasn't at the host's house either, so can't really relate to extravagant parties.

The other years, we take her out to a nice restaurant of her choice coupled with some other activity. We might take her indoor rock wall climbing this year.

Only other real cost is classroom cupcakes or cookies. I usually just pick some up with Costco along with a small allergen free option for any kids in the class with allergies. Next year looks like the last year I will have to do that, one of the disadvantages to being in a Jr. High structured district.
 

[StacheyStache]

Super don't get all the ugh around birthday parties but I also don't have kids so feel free to facepunch me for having no idea what I'm talking about.  But still...

I had a birthday party every year growing up and they were almost always sleepovers at home with a few friends (more were invited but a December birthday less than a week before Christmas meant low turnout more often than not...) a couple of pizzas (pepperoni or plain cheese, usually Papa Johns or something) and a rented movie or two.  Decorations were reused from year to year (same balloons, same Happy Birthday banner, maybe one fresh helium balloon tied to my chair at breakfast).  I don't see how that could possibly be more expensive than a family dinner at a nice restaurant or an activity out, even if the only participants are the birthday kid and the parents.  My parents never seemed to be terribly put out by them, after second or third grade or so I really didn't want them around at my parties (way too grown up for mom and dad) and the second the guests arrived we'd scurry upstairs and out of sight, venturing back down only for pizza delivery and present time.  This arrangement seemed to work well with everyone.  If you have board games, video games and a movie or two, kids don't really need much else to be entertained (there were lots of nights the rented movie went unopened as we shrieked about who had a crush on who.  When we were younger we played Power Rangers and Sailor Moon adventures). 

I wasn't expecting extravagant parties BUT I would have been royally pissed if my parents told me I couldn't invite friends from my class because 'family friends' had to be invited instead or my parents wanted an excuse to see their friends.  Isn't a birthday is the ONE day a year it's okay to make some (reasonable) selfish requests, like getting to pick the guest list for your own party?  Sure limit the number of guests so you don't drive yourself crazy but telling your kid he can't have friends over because you *have* to invite his cousins instead is going too far IMO.  Unless there's something I'm missing that makes birthday parties the Worst.  Thing.  Ever.  I plan to have one for my kids* each year as long as they want them (unless, like my own sibling, they were introverts and actually preferred a family activity out, which is fine too, though I still say more expensive than a pizza party at home).

*assuming I ever do spawn

[travelbug]

Our children are 7 and 10yo and have had a party every year. I had that too. Ours are at home parties and generally have between 8-12 children attending.

DD10 this year asked for only her friends and not their siblings, fair enough.

Her birthday is in Summer so we have a pool party: music, pass the parcel, pin the tailor the dragon and a piņata were requested this year. Easy.

Wrapped the pass the parcel up with an old newspaper, the prize was a packet of pencils.

The piņata was filled with wrapped candy left over from Christmas (Jan is Summer here)

Her cake is a tub of vanilla ice-cream stuffed into a heart cake pan (pop glad wrap in first) and then a candy buffet to decorate that. A couple of bags of chips, some fairy bread, fruit platter and two bags of lollies. Done. I stipulate it is for morning /afternoon tea on the invite (text/facebook event, so not cost).

All up I think it would be lucky to cost $50- $65, if that, and the piņata was the most expensive thing at $25, but was something she definitely want to do.  But she had so much fun and it is totally worth it to us.

Going to a party, we budget between $15-$20 and the gift can range from items I found on sale, to an iTunes voucher (bought at 20% off), or even cash.

[Meggslynn]

I haven't read the previous comments but this is something that I struggle with.

We have always enjoyed throwing birthday parties for our son but we really dislike the junk that he gets at these birthday parties. They fill our home with cheap clutter, drive me nuts and overwhelm our son. On his second birthday we asked for no gifts. On the invitation it said, "please no presents, your presence is present enough". We still had people bring presents which made is incredibly awkward for us and for the people that actually respected our wishes. Third birthday we said again no presents but if you insist on gifting something please consider donating to the local children's hospital (which you can do at the party) in our child's name. This went over better as all of the attendees knew that our son has spent lots of time at said hospital. BUT, then we were informed that asking people to give money was tacky, even if it was to a charity ...
Fourth birthday we only invited his three best friends and they brought gifts as we didn't ask for anything different.

My son LIVES for birthday parties. Going to them and having them. Most years we rent a space to the tune of $100 and provide snacks and cake which is usually another $75. Oh and the dreaded grab bags are another $25. We usually do one small but fun thing per child.
Our son knows that his birthday party is his gift from mom and dad and we do not get him anything else as he still gets presents from grandparents and aunties and uncles.

We have some friends who spend $100+ on the cake alone. Having custom cakes made is a big thing in my area for some reason.

[ReadySetMillionaire]

I never had a big birthday party as a kid and quite frankly I never felt left out or somehow deprived. And neither are my kids ever going to get any of those stereotypical look-at-what-i-can-afford-to-waste-on-my-kid parties. Familiy and friends over once they're old enough to know what friends are? Sure. But that's as far as it goes.

I've been wondering about those extravaganza birthday parties for little kids a lot lately, and quite frankly at this point I'm fairly convinced that this is one of the things that has swapped over from movies & TV into real life. In movies & TV everybody is always throwing these HUGE birthday parties with clowns, ponies, a princess for the girls, bouncy castles and trampolines, facepainting artists, etc. for their toddlers regardless of actual cost (aka considering the income situation of the protagonists or characters) because they make a great setting for some drama - kid afraid of clowns climbs up tree and refuses to come back down, pony runs havoc around the bouncy castle, one of the fathers gets his tounge stuck to the ice sculpture (notice how I am specifically excluding all females from this particular one because, well, kinda obvious isn't it?), etc. I think there's a spillover effect here and once it had started the "keeping up with the Joneses" effect kicked in.

I have my other thread about holiday planning, and God, this thread gives me so much anxiety.

I agree wholeheartedly with the above post.  It seems like movies/commercials have created what a holiday/Thanksgiving SHOULD look like, and now we emulate it on autopilot without much thought. Take a look at a Christmas meal and there are trinkets and dinkets all over the table, and a hundred presents, and like thirty dishes on the table. Just kill me.

At this point I'm pretty much over all the consumerist bullshit that comes with these days, and I feel incredibly strongly about it.  My dad's wife just proposed a Christmas gift exchange for the adults and I had to put the hammer down and say no, absolutely not.

Pivoting to this thread, it's the same for birthdays.  Movies and TV shows have all this stuff and so people do all of that and don't think twice.  Some of our best friends -- who we absolutely love -- rent out a huge pavilion, get catering, and the whole thing is themed -- for a two year old's party! I love them but it's so unbelievably outrageous to me.

My son's first birthday is coming up in March and I'm pretty sure my wife is on board with my thoughts as to avoiding big dramatic stuff. She and her mom love Disney/Winnie the Pooh, so I think they are going all in on that this year, and this birthday is more about my wife than my kid. Good for them.  But as things go along I'm really not going to foot the bill for a bunch of crazy and over the top parties.

[MaybeBabyMustache]

We live in a VCOL, but the fancy parties have largely died down by now (kids are 12 & 13). That said, my coworker lives in a crazy rich neighborhood, and each party has insane, over the top stuff. Valet parking, Veuve for the adults, a live action show from Frozen, 2-3 Frozen dolls, a full meal for adults & kids. It's seriously embarrassing.

My 13 y.o. just went to a paint ball party for a friend. The mom said the son had never had that type of a party, and wanted one before he was too old. No problem. All the boys had fun, and there was pizza at the end.

Our kids have birthdays one month apart (they are a year apart in age). They usually have a combined party (Magic The Gathering draft.) I supply cards & we make pizza. They each invite a few friends, and a few sleep over. It costs probably $150 for the party (mostly the Magic cards.) The guests take their draft cards with them after. I love that the kids have an activity with friends that doesn't involve video games, so am supportive.

[iris lily]

A child at my kids' school just turned seven and her party consisted of a limousine ride for her and six friends 60 miles away to the American Girl store. I don't even want to know what went on after that...

My daughter was invited to a similar type party. A limo took them to a kid spa ...

The birthday girl's mom explained that her mother in law had arranged and paid for all of it. The girl's mom had just had a baby so MIL stepped in. Mom said that if she hadn't let MIL do it up crazy, MIL would have gone crazy with gifts.

The great news is that all of the kids are down to earth enough to be THRILLED that it was a wonderful treat and still be thrilled at anyone's party, even my house parties. :)

One year Miley Cyrus opened a big tour with her first concert in my city.

I couldn’t figure out why there were so many little girls dressed to the nines downtown, getting in and out of limos. Until someone told me it s the
Miley Cyrus crowd. They came from all over.

Oh!

[ontheway2]

A birthday party does not have to equal extravagant birthday party. My kids get a party almost every year, but none have been what I would consider extravagant. We have done an indoor trampoline park through a Groupon for about $70 for 10 kids including pizza, we did a bowling party for around similar, we have done movie nights and sleep overs, etc. My kids get a set amount for their birthday and can either have a party, gift, or combination. My younger son does a party and gets multiple smaller gifts from his friends. My older son now does low key get-togethers and gets a present from us.

[TVRodriguez]

Our kids love having birthday parties.  One year we took them to Disney instead (there was an especially good Florida resident discount deal that made it cost not too much more than three separate birthday parties, tbh).  All of them said afterwards that they would rather have their own birthday party instead. 

Usually, we have them at home, but this year we may branch out to a park for one of them.  But the park shelter rental is $190!  Crazy.

I don't do goodie bags b/c I hate getting them, but we do pinatas, which means candy, so the kids take home candy.  I guess that's a goodie bag, but we don't do a separate goodie bag--people sometimes go crazy with them here.  I abstain.

[DadJokes]

We just had our kid's first birthday. I was miserable.

The guest list was small, consisting of my wife's parents, her cousin, her 2 siblings, and the husband and 4-year-old child of her sister. Her sister was 20 minutes late, so we had to wait on her. Everyone wants to play with the baby - I get it, he's the reason everyone is there, but he's clearly being overwhelmed. In particular, my 32-year-old brother-in-law is spending so much time playing with him that we have to ask him multiple times to move so we can get pictures of the baby.

The 4-year-old niece doesn't know better and decides to open all of the presents for our kid. I know that he can't really open presents on his own, but get out of the damn way and let him grab the tissue paper.

I also just don't do well with groups of people in small spaces. All of the talking over each other and such really gives me anxiety.

Also, the family uses the app Marco Polo to share videos of the kids. My MIL recorded 5-6 videos on Marco Polo during the party. Literally everyone in the Marco Polo conversation was at the party. Not only is she distracting by holding up her phone the whole time (wife's cousin has an actual camera is taking pictures for us), but we also keep getting notifications for the videos she's recording.

Until he has friends his age, I really don't want to do birthday parties. Unfortunately, that probably won't fly with my family-oriented spouse.

[meandmyfamily]

I thought they died down as my kids got older but the number of Sweet Sixteen parties this year has been crazy!  Yes, we did host one for our 16 year old but did it on a budget (cost about $150) and they had a blast.  I believe she has been to 8 just this fall with more to come and my son has been invited to the coed ones!  Thankfully most aren't over the top and it seems to be a girl thing...

I struggle with this as well especially since we have 4 kids!

[ReadySetMillionaire]

We just had our kid's first birthday. I was miserable.

The guest list was small, consisting of my wife's parents, her cousin, her 2 siblings, and the husband and 4-year-old child of her sister. Her sister was 20 minutes late, so we had to wait on her. Everyone wants to play with the baby - I get it, he's the reason everyone is there, but he's clearly being overwhelmed. In particular, my 32-year-old brother-in-law is spending so much time playing with him that we have to ask him multiple times to move so we can get pictures of the baby.

The 4-year-old niece doesn't know better and decides to open all of the presents for our kid. I know that he can't really open presents on his own, but get out of the damn way and let him grab the tissue paper.

I also just don't do well with groups of people in small spaces. All of the talking over each other and such really gives me anxiety.

Also, the family uses the app Marco Polo to share videos of the kids. My MIL recorded 5-6 videos on Marco Polo during the party. Literally everyone in the Marco Polo conversation was at the party. Not only is she distracting by holding up her phone the whole time (wife's cousin has an actual camera is taking pictures for us), but we also keep getting notifications for the videos she's recording.

Until he has friends his age, I really don't want to do birthday parties. Unfortunately, that probably won't fly with my family-oriented spouse.

The camera thing made me really uncomfortable.  I know exactly what you mean.  It's so awkward.  More importantly, it reminds me of people who use cameras at sporting events. You paid all this money for a seat just to take a shitty video?  Just enjoy the moment of being here!

***

Regarding your spouse, my wife is also very family focused, but if something like this happened at my son's upcoming first birthday, I would absolutely have a discussion about it.

As you can see from my other thread on here, my experience with grandparents is that, early on, they have a tough time dealing with it not being about them anymore.  My dad's wife just expects to have everything her way, my mom plays all these emotional guilt trips with me.  And it's like listen -- it's not about you.

Go and read my thread about holidays.  It's a different dynamic but similar to you -- I was fed up with being miserable during times that I should be happy, so I forced a change (with my wife on board).  There's still some sorting out to do, but Thanksgiving was a million times better than last year's.

Good luck.

[Goldielocks]

We just had our kid's first birthday. I was miserable.

My two cents is to just have a family dinner or barbeque, around the time of your kid's birthday, and bring out the cake at the end, almost like an after thought.

The 4-year-old niece doesn't know better and decides to open all of the presents for our kid. I know that he can't really open presents on his own, but get out of the damn way and let him grab the tissue paper.

She's 4.  She really does know better.  An adult must have supported / encouraged it at least a little bit.
Two year olds don't know any better.  Four year olds do

[Blue Skies]

We never did whole class parties here.  When my kids were invited to them it seemed like total chaos.  The kids just broke up into small groups to play anyway, so why not limit the invites to a smaller number of kids? 

We did a small family gathering at home until 4ish years old.  After that the kid could pick up to 10 friends to invite over.  We did summer parties with water balloons or other outdoor games in our backyard.  As they got older we moved to inviting 3-4 friends to a trampoline park or other such venue and then back home for pizza and cake (made by me). 

It doesn't need to be extravagant to be fun and memorable.  My kids LOVE their parties, and they have always been under $100.   My kids would both definitely pick a party over a gift from me, but I don't make them chose.   

[TVRodriguez]

We never did whole class parties here.  When my kids were invited to them it seemed like total chaos.  The kids just broke up into small groups to play anyway, so why not limit the invites to a smaller number of kids? 

We did a small family gathering at home until 4ish years old.  After that the kid could pick up to 10 friends to invite over.  We did summer parties with water balloons or other outdoor games in our backyard.  As they got older we moved to inviting 3-4 friends to a trampoline park or other such venue and then back home for pizza and cake (made by me). 

It doesn't need to be extravagant to be fun and memorable.  My kids LOVE their parties, and they have always been under $100.   My kids would both definitely pick a party over a gift from me, but I don't make them chose.   

We have invited entire classes of kids to our kids' birthday parties, plus classmates' siblings.  Why?
1. We live far from family, so having "just a family dinner" for us would be the same thing as any other day (just with cake, I suppose).
2. When younger, our kids didn't always have particular friends that they preferred, so it was hard to say "just invite your two best friends."
3. As a child, my mother made us limit our invitees to 5 friends once we reached age 8.  I distinctly remember telling one of my friends that I couldn't invite her because she would have made 6.  She cried.  I didn't tell my mother until after the party because it did not occur to me that I could bend that rule.  I never want my kids to inflict pain on another the way I did (albeit unwittingly).
4. It's kind of part of the culture in many Latin families that you are inviting the whole family, not just the one kid's particular friend, so if 3 cousins are with them that day, you get those 3 cousins, too.