9 year old and friends-- the popular vs. outcast question

[Tallgirl1204]

I'm bringing this question to this board because of the skewing of this forum toward engineering types, which is the genetic heritage of my family. 

Our 9 year old (only child) son is doing well at school academically, seems generally cheerful and compliant at home, and spends a lot of time reading.   He has never asked, and we have never pushed very hard, for him to participate in large group activities such as team sports.  When he was younger, teachers noted that he chose to play by himself on the playground for the most part. 

He has one very good friend (who does not go to school with him) with whom he spends hours talking about Minecraft and playing versions of Star Wars using Legos and Hero Factory figures.  He has one classmate who he also spends a lot of time with, but the classmate is pretty computer addicted, and if they play at the classmate's house, it's nonstop video games and movies for the day.  Our son has commented that being at his this classmate's house isn't all that fun.

The problem is that these are pretty much "it" for friends.  He's not an introvert, exactly, but he spends a lot of time with his dad and me, traveling or hanging out with other adults, and does not seem very oriented toward others his age.  He says he gets teased some at school (being teased for farting, or other kids hiding his lunch), but he doesn't seen very upset by it.

But of course he is my only precious snowflake, and I worry that having such a narrow friend base will be problematic if the one really good friend moves away (a possibility) or when the trauma of junior high starts.   The teasing bugs, but maybe it's in the range of normal.  I don't have a lot of social skills (see:  engineer genetic heritage and a truly dreadful junior high experience) so I'm having a hard time measuring my observations against what they might or might not mean. 

So my question for the geek-net is:  are there strategies that you have used with your kids to ensure that they develop good social skills with their peers?  How have you helped them expand their friend base? 

I feel like I am over-thinking this a little, but any success stories, strategies, etc. are appreciated.  My goal is to launch him into an emotionally healthy and rewarding adulthood, without over-hovering.  Finding that balance between being appropriately supportive and providing guidance, without cushioning every single bump along the way.  Thoughts?  Resources?  Thanks in advance. 

[MDM]

Great question, and no easy answers because "everyone is different."  There can be a fine line between being a "pushy parent" vs. ensuring your child gets exposed to a variety of activities.

So, FWIW...: our 13 year old seems similar in many ways to your description of your son.  One difference is that we did introduce him to recreational soccer at about your son's age (can't remember whether ours was 8 or 9).  He does have older sisters who played, and our standing joke was that "now they let boys play soccer too."  Anyway, after playing rec soccer for a couple of years he said "I'd like to try out for travel soccer."  With some trepidation (he hadn't exactly set the rec league on fire...) we let him try...and because exactly as many kids tried out as there were spaces available, he made it.  Fast forward to now, and he has said things like "I'm glad I play soccer because otherwise people might think I'm a nerd."

Ok, again, everyone is different and the story above is anecdotal at best.  I guess the main suggestion would be that you look for opportunities to expose him to more kids.  The usual suspects include sports - team or individual, scouts, church groups, music - instrumental or vocal, etc.   And good luck walking that fine line....

P.S.  Our family resembles your remark about engineering types.

[Self-employed-swami]

I'm not an engineer (I'm actually a geologist though, so similarly science-minded instead of arty).  As a child, my teachers would tell my parents that I needed to socialize more, and then I had to endure a whole bunch of contrived play-dates with kids I had nothing in common with. 

I was always a member of guides though (Girl Guides in Canada, Girl Scouts in the US).  I found that I met more friends growing up, in guides, than I did in school.  We got to go outside, hike, swim, camp, and get dirty, which was infinitely more appealing to me than playing with dolls, for the most part, or reading fashion magazines as a teenager.  I was also a member of 4H in my teens. 

I was a still a little behind on my social skills when I started university, compared to others, but I'm 30 now, and I have caught up without much ongoing effect.

I would recommend some sort of non-school activity, wether it be something outdoorsy, like scouts, or an organized sport (I also played baseball as a teenager).  Please don't subject your son to manufactured play dates, they were the worst.  I also hung out with my cousins a lot, and we would either do stuff outside (like build forts/toboggan) or play video games.

There has to be more sciencey kids out there for your son to socialize with, you just have to figure out where they are, and what activities they are in.

[kander]

Also not an engineer, but I've always been an "outsider".

I was a loner at school. My mother did not accept that and felt that I was very excluded and bullied. Because of her extreme attention to the fact that I was not popular and had few friends, I became insecure. I wanted that my mother was proud of me and wanted to meet her expectations. While I myself was satisfied with my status as an outsider. For me everything was good as it was. The only reason I tried desperatly to be part of the group was to make my mother happy. Before, I did not feel rejected or alone. After my mother's intervention, I felt it.

Now I am a mother myself, I understand the fear of my mother. No mother wants her child to be an outsider. But it could be that your child himself has completely no qualms and that you just by your attention to this "problem" he gets it harder then he would if you don't pay too much attention to it.

My advice: talk to your son about what you've seen yourself without any sort of judgment. Try to find out if he feels lonely or that he maybe likes to stay on the edge of the group instead. Do not try to push him into a role where he himself may not even want to be in.

[Gray Matter]

Good advice here, as always!  I am not an engineering type, am extremely extroverted and social, but I have a son much like yours.  I always worried about him, because he was often alone on the playground and to me, that would be a fate worse than death.  But when I talked to teachers, they all said he wasn't being excluded so much as voluntarily removing himself because he didn't want to play what the other boys wanted to play (kickball). 

When he was younger, I would schedule playdates with other moms I knew that had boys his age, though that fell away when it became apparent they weren't friends.  He's not the least bit interested in sports, never has been, and so I didn't push him towards team sports.  I thought about it, but I thought better of it.  What is he going to learn by being miserable and feeling even more like an outcast?  So I put him in individual things like karate, and the occasional team thing that aligned with his interests (Destination Imagination), but mostly I just left him alone.

Then, around Fifth grade, a magical thing happened.  He and his own kind started to find each other.  They are all extremely geeky.  They even talk about it that way, "I'm the ancient history geek, and Aaron is the physics geek, and Justin is the computer geek."  He found his tribe.  It's awesome to see, and you've never met a group of kids more comfortable in their own skin.  One important factor is that all of us parents have our own version of geekiness and have accepted our kids as they are, rather than trying to turn them into typical American boys.

Now he's in middle school and is in the debate club and the history club.  Geeky.  And happy as a clam.

My best advice is to pretty much leave him alone if he's happy, let him know how awesome you think he is, and get him involved in a few things according to his own interests.  If he's not happy, then a different approach is warranted.

[Longwaytogo]

My kids are only 2 and 4 so luckily I have not had to deal with this yet..though I am nervous about my daughter starting kindergarten next year (partially because she will be the very small minority in her school and will be away from all her pre-school "friends")

But since you asked for "success stories" I'll share my own.

I refused/fought about going to pre-school. Both my parents were working and my grandmother (my "daycare") could not or would not push me into it. Back then we had half day Kindergarten and I hated it, tried to refuse going, would not go if there was a substitute teacher, mad my grandma wait in her car in parking lot sometimes, etc. I had a 3rd cousin who was in my class (also watched by my grandma) and he was the only person I would talk too. Looking back I was pretty shy/strange (maybe got picked on, but doubt it at that young of an age)

Fast forward to 1st grade and the principal recommended to my parents that me and my cousin be separated so I could break out of my shell a bit. It semi worked and I made 1 friend. They considered that a success and I was never allowed to be in a class with my cousin again (this was very disappointing to me).  2nd through 4th grade I was pretty quiet, no real attempt at making other friends.  5th grad I started talking to people a bit more but was still a bit "odd". I still get teased relentlessly that I wore sweatpants every day of 5th grade (when others were mostly wearing jeans and starting to "look cool")

Now somehow in Middle school, I became pretty damn social made a bunch of new friends etc. High School played 3 sports, went to a few "cool kid parties" started dating eventually meeting and then marrying my High School Sweetheart. Also that 1 friend I met in 1st grade, I the Best man in his wedding and went on vacation with him and his family just this last Summer.

Now unfortunately I do not have a flipping clue what changed, but I do not remember me or my parents doing anything specific. Now I am one of the most outgoing/extroverted, loud and talkitive people I know.  People don't believe me when I tell them the story.

Sorry for being long winded, I guess I'm just saying sometimes it works itself out. But of course that's just my anecdotal evidence.

[Tallgirl1204]

This is all super helpful, especially the part about not pushing him to make friends he doesn't seem to want.  The only group he has expressed interest in is a folk dance troupe (!) which is full of lots of older kids and adults.  I haven't pursued it because it's somewhat spendy and time consuming, but I'll check back in with him to see if it's still on his radar. 

We are older parents, and with an only kid (and no cousins in this part of the country) I'm maybe over-conscious that we are raising him to be on his own completely, except for the friends he makes along the way.  I loved the story about making a best friend for life in first grade-- I'm hoping that's the path he and his current friend will find. 

I too found my tribe a little bit in high school (the band and chorus geeks), and after an awkward college experience I found my real tribe (outdoorsy folk musicians, many of whom are engineers) in adulthood.  Thanks for reminding me of the ebbs and flows of social life. 

And of course, I understand that so much of this is his path to make.  Thanks again for sharing your stories.  I know we frown on anecdotal evidence on this board, but I find that stories are very helpful in building a big picture.

[Cwadda]

Have you ever looked at the Myers-Briggs personality type indicator? It's fascinating. http://www.personalitypage.com/html/index.shtml

I think this is a great tool to understanding who people are. First try to figure out what you are. Then try to figure out some people you're close to. You don't have to take the actual test or anything. Just read about the four preferences and go from there.(http://www.personalitypage.com/html/four-prefs.html) Finally go to the portrait page and combine them. Read through a portrait and decide if it's accurate. It should be pretty spot on if you picked the right combination.

I think this is a good step to understanding your son better. 9 years old is a little too early for this test in my opinion, but in high school things really start to pan out.

[netskyblue]

If your kid's not unhappy, let it go.  Some people (myself included) find a lot of friends to be excessively draining.  My kindergarten report card said that I often didn't play with the other children.  Being around people who are demanding your attention is like running on battery power, you can only take so long of it before you fade out.  And you NEED to be alone to recharge. 

Just because he only has a couple of friends doesn't mean he can't make friends - just that there's no one else around him right now that he wants to be friends with, or his "friend need" is already filled, and he doesn't want/need to go looking for more.  As he, and his current friends, and the people around him, grow and change, he'll move on to different friends.  Maybe more in number, maybe not.  There's nothing wrong with that.

Now, if he's complaining that "nobody likes him" or he's otherwise unhappy with the situation, then sure, find him ways to meet new people.

[ShoulderThingThatGoesUp]

I only ever had a few friends at a time when I was that age. Found my tribe probably in 7th grade, though I was never very social and my parents highly restricted my social life - honestly I'm not really sure why.

Now I am 25, happily married, with a good job that I just got promoted at today and a delightful 1-year-old. So having been sorta like your kid, if he's happy and has some friends I don't think there's a problem.

[hunniebun]

I think it is always best to follow your child's lead. If he is content with how things are, don't push it. I think the trouble comes when kids WANT to be included or to make new friends, but aren't able to for whatever reason. That is when I would try different activities or trying to engineer some playdates etc.   I have this problem too...letting my fears/worries about the future direct my actions...but it is better to take things as they come rather than trying to prevent something that might never happen! 

[mm1970]

I'm bringing this question to this board because of the skewing of this forum toward engineering types, which is the genetic heritage of my family. 

Our 9 year old (only child) son is doing well at school academically, seems generally cheerful and compliant at home, and spends a lot of time reading.   He has never asked, and we have never pushed very hard, for him to participate in large group activities such as team sports.  When he was younger, teachers noted that he chose to play by himself on the playground for the most part. 

He has one very good friend (who does not go to school with him) with whom he spends hours talking about Minecraft and playing versions of Star Wars using Legos and Hero Factory figures.  He has one classmate who he also spends a lot of time with, but the classmate is pretty computer addicted, and if they play at the classmate's house, it's nonstop video games and movies for the day.  Our son has commented that being at his this classmate's house isn't all that fun.

The problem is that these are pretty much "it" for friends.  He's not an introvert, exactly, but he spends a lot of time with his dad and me, traveling or hanging out with other adults, and does not seem very oriented toward others his age.  He says he gets teased some at school (being teased for farting, or other kids hiding his lunch), but he doesn't seen very upset by it.

But of course he is my only precious snowflake, and I worry that having such a narrow friend base will be problematic if the one really good friend moves away (a possibility) or when the trauma of junior high starts.   The teasing bugs, but maybe it's in the range of normal.  I don't have a lot of social skills (see:  engineer genetic heritage and a truly dreadful junior high experience) so I'm having a hard time measuring my observations against what they might or might not mean. 

So my question for the geek-net is:  are there strategies that you have used with your kids to ensure that they develop good social skills with their peers?  How have you helped them expand their friend base? 

I feel like I am over-thinking this a little, but any success stories, strategies, etc. are appreciated.  My goal is to launch him into an emotionally healthy and rewarding adulthood, without over-hovering.  Finding that balance between being appropriately supportive and providing guidance, without cushioning every single bump along the way.  Thoughts?  Resources?  Thanks in advance.

You pretty much described my upbringing (I'm a female engineer), minus the video games because they really weren't around.

And, my almost 9 year old son is similar, maybe a few more friends.

I was painfully shy until about 16 when I made the effort to just get over it. And I did.

[Cpa Cat]

I was in grade 7 before my circle of friends expanded beyond 1 or 2 (and then it only broadened to 5 or so). I was unperturbed by my lack of friends. It would definitely have been weird if my mom had tried to engineer friendships with my classmates (and likely would have failed).

That said - I was interested in many extracurricular activities at age 9 or so, but we couldn't afford for me to participate. So if there's something your kids is interested in, like Scouts or art classes or Summer Camp, etc and you can afford to enroll him in that, then go for it.

Also - in this day and age, I wouldn't worry too much if he has a friend who only plays video games. That seems pretty normal, too.

[gooki]

Sounds like your son may simply be more mature than a lot of other children his age. So doesn't connect at the same level.

As the others have said, let him guide you.

[shelivesthedream]

LISTEN to your son. Is he OK with how many friends he has? Then you need to be happy with that too.

From age 5 to 9, I had one friend at school. I was fine with that. I wasn't picked on or excluded and could do things with the other children if I had to - I just only needed one friend. Sometimes I had to go to other children's houses (I suppose you would call it a 'play date' - boy, I hate that term!) that I didn't like. It was excruciating. Children do not automatically get on just because they are the same age. Even now, I have a very low numerical need for friends - and that is FINE.

What you need to do is to keep non-judgemental communication channels open so that if a problem does develop, he can tell you about it. If you are sure he can talk to you, then just relax.

[Secretly Saving]

I second what Gray Matter has to say.  I'm a teacher for this age range and the pre-teens and teenage years are certainly tough (tough on parents and kids!). Follow your child's lead and be supportive.  He'll find his way or will give you a sense of what he needs in terms of help along the way.  He's lucky to have loving parents who care enough to worry and want the best for him.

[Self-employed-swami]

I was pretty much how Gooki described as a kid too.

I would rather have talked to the one adult in the room, than 99% of the kids.

[gaja]

This is all super helpful, especially the part about not pushing him to make friends he doesn't seem to want.  The only group he has expressed interest in is a folk dance troupe (!) which is full of lots of older kids and adults.  I haven't pursued it because it's somewhat spendy and time consuming, but I'll check back in with him to see if it's still on his radar. 

Folk dancing is great! It was my escape, and gave me a way of meeting new people when I moved to new towns (and other countries).
-Also, as a boy, his chances of meeting a beautiful nice wholesome girl that you will love to have as a DIL, are very high.

[lifejoy]

I find this interesting because you're making me see my childhood in a whole new light. I often had only one bff at a time, and it didn't bother me at all because quality > quantity. Now, as an adult, I almost have too many friends. I've moved across the country a few times, and collected quite a few amazing people in my life. I sometimes get stressed that I don't have enough time to give each friend the care and attention they deserve.

Long story short : he's nine. Don't stress too much :)

[lifejoy]

Oh - and read "Quiet" by Susan Cain. Awesome book that will make you see introverts in a whole new positive light!

[amyable]

I'm a high school counselor, but I'm trained in K-12.  Having only 1-2 friends as 9 year old is not abnormal!  At age 8-9, most children are just beginning to develop the ability to form a friendship based on mutual trust.  Before that, children's friendships tend to be pretty shallow (e.g. we play with the same things together, so we are friends). 

Most kids see a lot of widening in their social circle in middle school.  But, like libraryjoy pointed out, I'd be looking at the quality of friends rather than the quantity. 

[apricity]

Oh - and read "Quiet" by Susan Cain. Awesome book that will make you see introverts in a whole new positive light!

Seconding this.  Terrific book!

[Louisville]

If your kid's not unhappy, let it go. 

+1
He's fine. You'll know when you need to intercede.