"Your mother and I are rich. You have nothing."

[Kitsunegari]

Would you ever say so to your child? If yes, at what age?

[GT]

No, and why the hell would you?

[ender]

Uh, never?

I mean, if your goal is inspiring hostility and resentment/bitterness, go for it. But.. that's not the goal of most parents.

[EricL]

If I already raised my child as a spoiled, entitled brat and they pushed the envelope to a crazy extent I'd definitely say that.  But I imagine the damage would already be done.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

Ideally, you would not HAVE to say this, because you would be showing them in lots of little ways that they have to pull their own weight. If my five-year-old uses up all the construction paper making his "art projects," Mommy doesn't buy more--he buys it out of his allowance. (Yes, obviously I provide the allowance, but my support for him is finite and he already knows that :-).)

[bop]

This quote came from an old Cosby Show episode.  It was meant to be funny.
 

[Warlord1986]

My mother said that to me when I was little and mentioned my toys. 'They don't belong to you. Everything in this room is mine.'

This was before Daddy realized she needed to see a doctor. Maybe think about that before you say that.

[Adventine]

I think the whole dialogue (?) this line came from needs to be posted, to provide more context. On its own, the punchline doesn't sound funny. Just petty and cruel.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

I think the whole dialogue (?) this line came from needs to be posted, to provide more context. On its own, the punchline doesn't sound funny. Just petty and cruel.

Isn't that true of a lot of things Bill Cosby said many years ago?

[GizmoTX]

Actually, DS asked me if he/we were rich when he was around 10. It was an opening to a good discussion about him learning life skills with our help, geared of course to his age at the time. We have always worried that our success could be a disincentive, & tried mightily to avoid entitlement while providing many opportunities for learning & self sufficiency.

He was in Cub Scouts, & decided on his own not only to become a Boy Scout, but to earn his Eagle rank before high school. We were shocked; DH was never a Boy Scout & neither was anyone in my family. He not only did it but stayed active in his troop until aging out at 18.

We told him that our financial support would end when he graduated from university last May (engineering & math degrees, cum laude, in 4 years). He then managed to get a full ride to graduate school.

[Adventine]

I think the whole dialogue (?) this line came from needs to be posted, to provide more context. On its own, the punchline doesn't sound funny. Just petty and cruel.

Isn't that true of a lot of things Bill Cosby said many years ago?

Not really familiar with Bill Cosby, so I wouldn't know :)

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

I think the whole dialogue (?) this line came from needs to be posted, to provide more context. On its own, the punchline doesn't sound funny. Just petty and cruel.

Isn't that true of a lot of things Bill Cosby said many years ago?

Not really familiar with Bill Cosby, so I wouldn't know :)

I was never a big follower, but just generally aware of him in the zeitgeist. Anyway, once you find out that his hobby was drugging and raping people, I dunno, it just puts kind of sinister spin on what passed for folksy charm in the 80s.

[dogboyslim]

I have shown the clip to my kids and let them know that on many occasions.  My kids understand it for the joke that it is, and also for the understanding that at some point, they will need to take care of themselves.

[justplucky]

No. My mom said to me, and I still remember the feelings of insecurity, powerlessness, and loneliness it caused.

[MrMoogle]

"Your mother and I are rich.  You have our love and support, but we can only afford to spend so much money on you." - That seems a little better.  "You have nothing" seems pretty cold.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

No. My mom said to me, and I still remember the feelings of insecurity, powerlessness, and loneliness it caused.

All in the phrasing, isn't it? My family has a decent amount of money.

I have no money.

It means a lot to me that I have my family as a safety net. Not that they would just throw $$ at me if I were being stupid. But for instance, I'm going through a divorce right now and things are suuuper tight. If I had some not-my-fault catastrophe--let's say I were in a car accident and my POS car was totaled, leaving me with not enough insurance $$ to get something driveable--then I know they would have my back.

Their money is not my money. It's theirs. But there's such a huge gulf between "you have nothing" and the unspoken assumption, "We expect you to be a self-supporting adult, but we will always be there for you in a crisis."

I'm sorry, justplucky.

[MrMoogle]

Here's the clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO35dhxNjYI

[steviesterno]

my parents didn't say that, but they did instill in me that I would be responsible for my life. I'd have to work and buy a car, pay for insurance, etc. they would help with college to an extent, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't let me move back home now. they are crazy with their gift giving, and when we (wife and young baby) went up to my brother's wedding, they gave us a cash present (covered the flights!). but they worked years and years for that, and I'm a self sufficient millennial rather than one of those D bag hipsters.

[Captain FIRE]

I think the whole dialogue (?) this line came from needs to be posted, to provide more context. On its own, the punchline doesn't sound funny. Just petty and cruel.

+1

I suspect it may have come from this post (which was posted a bit before this thread): http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/antimustachian-wall-of-shame-and-comedy/cousin-doesn't-want-to-go-to-college/

My Uncle and Aunt own an insurance company. Their son, my cousin is having alot of trouble adjusting to the idea of living on a college campus. He doesn't want to share a room with others, but his parents want him to have the college experience. During lunch with them this exchange happens:

Cousin: I don't want a roommate. Can't you guys just buy a business and I'll run it?

Aunt: No, we're not going to buy you a business. You need to learn how work with others, so you can get a good career.

Cousin: But I'm already rich.

I think this gives a VERY different cast to the line than if it were said out of the blue.

And yes, if my kid acted entitled and informed me he was rich based on money my husband and I earned, I might very well correct this mistaken impression.  Just as I would correct any mistaken idea that he did not need to earn a living and support himself because we would support him for the rest of our/his lives/life.

[pancakes]

My parents from when I can remember used to tell us they were donating everything to charity in their wills. When I tell people that they think it was very cruel to tell small children but it never bothered me. I've later learned that it isn't true but their money, their choices.

Both sides of my family were financially ruined during the depression so it is well understood from our family stories that being raised with wealth doesn't mean there will be any inheritance.

[Kyle Schuant]

No because it's not true. I've set aside $25 a week for each child since they were born, it goes to health and education stuff.

And what we as parents have is our children's, too. But we handle it because they don't yet have the skills to. I don't let me 5yo son handle our bank balance any more than I'd let him handle the 8 inch cook's knife.

[esq]

This quote came from an old Cosby Show episode.  It was meant to be funny.

I recognized it immediately.  It was hilarious at the time in the context it was said.

It's not something you'd say verbatim to a child in real life, though, unless you're an asshole parent.

[FIFoFum]

I also recognized the quote and don't need to comment on the context of it (as others have).

I find the sentiment behind it chafes, not just because it is asshole parent, but because it is not true and can lead to asshole children (when grown up) as well.

I have met people (and have read blogs/websites) from people who act like they did it all on their own when they come from families of means. The risks you can take and the advantages you have when your parents are the Huxtables (or the equivalent) can't simply be measured by how much money they put in your bank account or whether they pay for your college or not. In nearly all situations where your parents are rich, you have a LOT, even if you also are expected to pay your own way. So "You have nothing" creates this lack of empathy gap for people who genuinely do have (or come from) nothing.

[saijoe]

Yes, this is a context issue.  Said with no context, it's an asshole thing to say.  I think that if a kid says "we're rich" and they mean it from a material point of view, they need to be taken down a notch.  It's wonderful to be well off, but it needs to be established that having wealth is as much a responsibility as a reason to go party. 

I was a big fan of Bill Cosby... I am so disappointed if he did what it looks like he did. 

[FINate]

"You have nothing." <-- This is something we've taught our kids (4 and 6) over the years. Of course we would never phrase it that way. In essence, it's the idea that they are part of our family, which implies a social contract. Mom and Dad are the boss, and that's non negotiable. Their toys and possessions are only theirs in the sense that we provide them, and we reserve the right to take them away as we see fit. They are entitled to love and respect and essentials, but nothing non-essential. We pay close attention to what toys or other items are of high interest since we leverage these when meting out discipline.

The idea that possessions are conditionally owned as part of a social contract is something kids need to learn in preparation for adulthood. Even if you own your house outright, you never own it unconditionally, since it only remains yours as long as you pay your property taxes. In fact all assets exist within a legal framework, and governments can (and do) confiscate assets in various situations. Better for kids to learn this from loving parents than to learn it from society as adults.

[Kitsunegari]

I suspect it may have come from this post (which was posted a bit before this thread): http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/antimustachian-wall-of-shame-and-comedy/cousin-doesn't-want-to-go-to-college/

This is indeed what brought the Cosby clip to my mind. Kinda surprised you made the connection... did you thought the same?

I find the sentiment behind it chafes, not just because it is asshole parent, but because it is not true and can lead to asshole children (when grown up) as well.

I have met people (and have read blogs/websites) from people who act like they did it all on their own when they come from families of means. The risks you can take and the advantages you have when your parents are the Huxtables (or the equivalent) can't simply be measured by how much money they put in your bank account or whether they pay for your college or not. In nearly all situations where your parents are rich, you have a LOT, even if you also are expected to pay your own way. So "You have nothing" creates this lack of empathy gap for people who genuinely do have (or come from) nothing.

That is an excellent point I had overlook. Thank you for bringing it up.

[MoonLiteNite]

my parents didn't say that to me.
But when i asked for a lego toy for christmas, or a play station, i was told "go get your own job"
Basically the same!

If i ever had my own kid, yes i would basically tell them that. Honestly is the only way to raise someone.

[pancakes]

my parents didn't say that to me.
But when i asked for a lego toy for christmas, or a play station, i was told "go get your own job"
Basically the same!

My parents gave us an allowance for Christmas and Birthdays and we could pick what we wanted within the limit.

If we wanted something more expensive we'd combine either by waiting until the next event (two gifts at once), or by pooling the allowance with siblings to share the gift, or by chipping in our own money.

My parents wouldn't budge on the budget for gifts but we'd always find a creative way to get something if we wanted it enough.

By the time I was in high school I was just rolling over every gift because I wanted to have the money available should I find something I really wanted. It made my mum pretty cross because she wanted to give me something haha.

[BlueHouse]

Story from a friend:
When friend would "run away from home" as a child, which always began by stomping feet and announcing that he was running away, his mother would say "well, if you insist, but take off all your clothes, because those are mine, I paid for them".
It shut down the drama pretty fast.   
kid learned really fast that he had it pretty good where he was and if he chose to look for something better, he'd be losing the comforts of home.
He was also the youngest of 11 or 13 kids, so I think the parents had spent all of their hand-wringing and negotiating on the first handful.

[EricL]

Story from a friend:
When friend would "run away from home" as a child, which always began by stomping feet and announcing that he was running away, his mother would say "well, if you insist, but take off all your clothes, because those are mine, I paid for them".
It shut down the drama pretty fast.   
kid learned really fast that he had it pretty good where he was and if he chose to look for something better, he'd be losing the comforts of home.
He was also the youngest of 11 or 13 kids, so I think the parents had spent all of their hand-wringing and negotiating on the first handful.

In a way that's funny. But it also indicates the parents had so many damn kids the youngest were like Army privates as seen by high level commanders: generic, interchangeable, and subject to casual disregard. There must be advantages to that.  Yet I wonder at the potential resulting psychosis and think of it as sad. 

[BlueHouse]

Story from a friend:
When friend would "run away from home" as a child, which always began by stomping feet and announcing that he was running away, his mother would say "well, if you insist, but take off all your clothes, because those are mine, I paid for them".
It shut down the drama pretty fast.   
kid learned really fast that he had it pretty good where he was and if he chose to look for something better, he'd be losing the comforts of home.
He was also the youngest of 11 or 13 kids, so I think the parents had spent all of their hand-wringing and negotiating on the first handful.

In a way that's funny. But it also indicates the parents had so many damn kids the youngest were like Army privates as seen by high level commanders: generic, interchangeable, and subject to casual disregard. There must be advantages to that.  Yet I wonder at the potential resulting psychosis and think of it as sad.

I'm from an area with a lot of big families.  7, 9, 11 kids was not terribly uncommon where I grew up (big Irish-Catholic influence).  I, myself, am the youngest of 5 children and I experienced some of what you describe as casual disregard.  I don't think of it as disregard.  There's no doubt in my mind that my parents loved all of us equally, but I used to joke that there were no baby pictures of me and I had to take pics of big brother #1 to school for baby picture projects.  While not completely true, there were far far fewer pictures of me than when the novelty of a new baby first struck.  There's no doubt that parents treat the first child-rearing experience differently than they do the second, third, fourth, or ump-teenth.  As a youngest, I enjoyed having my parents get all of their over-protectiveness out of their system by the time I was up to no good.  I also realized that I could get away with much much more simply because by that time they were physically exhausted by worrying about all the other teenagers in the family.  For their own well-being, they had to give in and get some sleep eventually.  But what I may have lacked in parental oversight, I had from older siblings who knew the tricks and could look after me, even as we attended some of the same crazy parties.
My point is, love doesn't get divided by the number of children - it gets multiplied.  And as long as your kids know you love them, that's the best thing you can do for a child. just my opinion. 

[EricL]

BlueHouse:  Thanks. I wonder at it but haven't an opinion I can count as valid.

[Lyssa]

My father is one of a dozen sibling and while I have no doubt that their parents loved them and that the siblings loved/love each other there is still the fact that time, energy and a lot of other resources don't multiply and this simple fact does have effects.

Parenting by the dozen is very "one size fits it all" and disregards a lot of a child's individual talents and problems.

I _might_ be able to parent 3-5 Kids up to my personal standards. If I do very little else. 10 or 12? No way.

[Kyle Schuant]

In a way that's funny. But it also indicates the parents had so many damn kids the youngest were like Army privates as seen by high level commanders: generic, interchangeable, and subject to casual disregard. There must be advantages to that.  Yet I wonder at the potential resulting psychosis and think of it as sad.

I do not think it necessarily a bad thing if children are brought up to not think they are special and deserving of particular consideration. Ask any schoolteacher who has to deal with 20-30 children, each of whom has been told by mum and dad that you are special and smart and talented and your opinion really matters and let's just discuss things and tell me about your feelings please.

[Kaspian]

Haha... My mom totally would have said something like this when I was a kid!

It would have gone something like:

Me:  "Mom, are we rich?"
Her:  "No, your father and I are well off enough.  You, however, are poor and only have whatever's in your piggy bank.  ...Now scoot!"

I don't think it's bad at all--instills a sense of understanding of ownership and incentive.