How to handle the spouse really depends on the spouse. I used to tell her that we need to be doing X, Y, and Z. The more I talk about it, ask her opinion, the more annoyed she gets - it is just not her interest or something that she has a passion for. When she got annoyed, I got frustrated. She finally just said to do what I need to do and don't bother her with it. I set up all of the investments, and it is out of sight, out of mind for her. We are both happy.
On the calculators, I would just take them all with a grain of salt. You can only do what you can do, there will always be portions that are out of your control. I typically look at conservative numbers (4-5%). If I am fortunate enough to get better returns, I will not balk at extra money.