Is Mr. Money Mustache Ruining Your Marriage?

[MooseOutFront]

I got a kick out of today's post from the reader's wife complaining about their newfound MMM lifestyle.

Particularly this quote:
"My understanding of the MMM lifestyle is that you work hard to be poor while your young so that you can be poor without working when you’re old."

My own wife would possibly explain it the same way.  Or should I say she would if I really jammed this thing down her throat.  As it is I kind of take the MMM implementation in more measured steps than the orthodontist featured in the article.

[Louisville]

"My understanding of the MMM lifestyle is that you work hard to be poor someone who's happy without unnecessary crap while you're young so that you can be poor someone who's happy without unnecessary crap without working when you’re old still young."

There, fixed it for her.

[wild wendella]

I found the post hugely entertaining!  (I tried to post a comment, but my comments never seem to make the cut).  I totally identified with the husband's apparent obsession with the blog.  I'm currently at work checking out this forum, for example, when I should definitely be doing other things. 

I had a nice free couch for 10 years that I ultimately sold for $5 in a yard sale, and I gave away my sister's nice couch for free on craigslist when I helped her move because she had no time to deal with it and was just planning to throw it out.  Clearly there are plenty of options for this woman to improve her quality of life without spending money, but she isn't looking for them yet. 

[MooseOutFront]

I found the post hugely entertaining!  (I tried to post a comment, but my comments never seem to make the cut).  I totally identified with the husband's apparent obsession with the blog.  I'm currently at work checking out this forum, for example, when I should definitely be doing other things. 

Ha!  Yes.  I started the blog from the beginning during 2013 and it took me a couple months to read through whole thing.  During that time I had a MMM blog post open on any browser I was ever in front of.  It consumed me.  Luckily I know myself well and have learned from oversharing my excitement with others on things in the past, so I didn't move too quickly on the wife front for my own good.  If I had, then she would have felt the same way as the featured emailer in question.

That's why I'm pretty certain the commenters claiming troll are wrong.  Too much of it hits home.

[scottydog]

I similarly discovered MMM in mid-2013 and read the entire thing from the beginning over a period of a few months.  A friend recommended it to us, and I surprised my wife by diving in and embracing it right away.  Instead of hurting our marriage, though, it has helped tremendously by giving us a common vocabulary for discussing financial decisions and helping us realign our long-term goals.

[Cpa Cat]

I now watch movies by myself. He lays beside me with one eye on the screen and one eye on his computer.

Actual quote from my husband: "It's time to put the Mustache Man away, so we can watch a movie."

[Cheddar Stacker]

I now watch movies by myself. He lays beside me with one eye on the screen and one eye on his computer.

Actual quote from my husband: "It's time to put the Mustache Man away, so we can watch a movie."

I'm sure my wife has thought the same. However, I feel the same way about her usage of facebook, pinterest, candy crush, crap tv shows, etc. It's just a different form of habit/obsession, although I find this one can actually be put into a valid and beneficial use (I guess pinterest can as well to some extent?).

Yeah, this post really hits home. I would bet it's not a troll and this is likely a very common feeling for the spouse that's not fully on board. Thanks for posting Moose, I hadn't read it yet.

[sol]

My only though while reading that post was "Thank god she's not my wife."

That woman is a boat anchor around her husband's neck.  She will either drown them both, or get cut loose. 

Or she could get on board, but that seems unlikely.  When two people have such drastically different philosophies on life, I don't see any easy way to reconcile enough to form a happy marriage.  If they stay together, at least one of them will always be miserable.  Probably both.

[EscapeVelocity2020]

I pretty much thought she was a fabrication / exaggeration MMM has created to serve as a strawman for his promised follow-on post.  Sure, some of the things said were realistic / an amalgamation of what mainstream people might say when confronted with Badassity, but does Pete really send emails back and forth with people who don't get the blog and ask for him to shut it down?  You'd think it would be easier to reason with her husband than with the author of a blog.

But then again, I'm a huge skeptic on all things internet related. (yes ARS, you can post your tinfoil hat pic now ;)

[MooseOutFront]

I would agree that fiction is much more likely than troll in this example.

[Gin1984]

My only though while reading that post was "Thank god she's not my wife."

That woman is a boat anchor around her husband's neck.  She will either drown them both, or get cut loose. 

Or she could get on board, but that seems unlikely.  When two people have such drastically different philosophies on life, I don't see any easy way to reconcile enough to form a happy marriage.  If they stay together, at least one of them will always be miserable.  Probably both.

I'm annoyed she included ALL women in her rant/email.  Some of us are just as, if not more, into MMM than our husband's (or any man).  Bah!

[CommonCents]

I think she's real, but if not, I think the scenario often happens:

• Spouse A discovers MMM
• Spouse A gets super excited, makes a lot of bold changes
• Spouse B is not excited by the changes, nor the lack of discussion regarding this major life change.  Spouse B feels cheated, not on board and generally all around unhappy.
• Spouse B digs heels in reaction to Spouse A
• Spouse A&B fight.

All of which can be at least partially resolved by communication, discussion and agreement BEFORE making major changes.  I also think people sometimes go overboard, and risk alienating spouses for the desire to save another penny.  Sometimes, you need to let go of the little things, agree to the (non-designer) couch in order to get overall agreement on the plan.  It's a good reminder.  It's why I sometimes agree to eat out with my husband rather than fight him over dinner at home.

Also, I too disagree that MMM's philosophy* is only for men.  Or that women can't be "feminine" and "mustachian" at the same time.  I get she doesn't want to change the oil in her car anytime soon, but heck, even if she feels that way, cooking at home, mending clothes, canning the harvest - that's all traditionally feminine tasks and all mustachian too boot.

*As expressed in another thread by myself and other women, I still think the logo is a turnoff.

[ketchup]

I posted this in the comments section, but I'll drop it here too:

This is the first time I've busted out laughing upon loading the MMM homepage.  The image directly below the "Is Mr. Money Mustache ruining your marriage?" heading was of a 1991-1996 Buick Roadmaster/Chevy Caprice wagon WHICH IS A CAR I'M LOOKING AT BUYING SOON.  It's for a specific purpose and will have fairly few miles put on it (second car, our primary car is a '99 3-cyliner Metro with 154,000 miles that gets about 47MPG average city/highway) because obviously a gigantic behemoth like that is extremely silly for standard suburban travel.  It's a gas guzzler at 25MPG on the highway, but it's pretty great in terms of massive internal cargo space and barrier to entry (can find a nice one for under two grand).  I do all my own work on cars, so it makes no sense to pay the premium to get anything from this century.

And it was my girlfriend that suggested it for the intended purpose.  I think our future marriage will be just fine.  Looking at the image filename, Mr. Money Mustache called a car that we're considering a "hoopty".  Could there be any greater compliment?

[RootofGood]

I really hope the email was fiction or MMM took out the Magic Brush of Embellishment.  I just can't believe it's real as written.  :)

Either way, it's funny and does a good job of typifying the complainypants spouse that doesn't like the changes that need to occur to lead a sensible meaningful life. 

Although I might complain if I only had an inflatable couch, too.  Decent used couches from the thrift store, a yard sale, or craigslist or a friend are free or cheap. 

[galaxie]

I'm so annoyed with that woman for straight-out saying that in order to properly perform femininity we have to be really excited about consumerism.

[mizzourah2006]

I thought it was most definitely real. She seems like a pretty stereotypical southern belle. I think she brings up some pretty valid points (and MMM also agreed). It appears her husband is beyond cheap. Some people want to have a more balanced lifestyle. I love this blog and agree with it completely, but I also love my job and don't really plan on wanting to retire early. Perhaps that doesn't interest her, she is a nurse practitoner, that probably required a lot of work and dedication. When someone goes that far into their education for a career sometimes they did it because that is truly what they wanted to do.

Perhaps if the husband wants to retire early and she doesn't they could settle on a middle ground where they have a plan set up to where they have enough money set aside by the time the husband is 40-45 that they can go down to 1 income (hers). This would allow her to get some of the things she wants (a new couch, a little nicer place, etc.), while still allowing the husband to continue his MMM pursuit.

Just my 2 cents, but I think it is a very interesting conversation.

[Gin1984]

I'm so annoyed with that woman for straight-out saying that in order to properly perform femininity we have to be really excited about consumerism.

Agreed.

[Mazzinator]

My only though while reading that post was "Thank god she's not my wife."

That woman is a boat anchor around her husband's neck.  She will either drown them both, or get cut loose. 

Or she could get on board, but that seems unlikely.  When two people have such drastically different philosophies on life, I don't see any easy way to reconcile enough to form a happy marriage.  If they stay together, at least one of them will always be miserable.  Probably both.

I'm annoyed she included ALL women in her rant/email.  Some of us are just as, if not more, into MMM than our husband's (or any man).  Bah!

Yes!! And what do you do when, after 13 years of marriage, the wife discovers this blog? Divorce the "bread winner" because he likes fancy coffee?

What I am doing, because, no he doesn't give two shits about IRAs and such, is I'm making our FIRE goals in line with his spending. He wants endless golfing and world cruising? Ok, i'll add that to the budget ;) In exchange, he knows he has to give up his "starbucks double shot" now.

[EscapeVelocity2020]

I really hope the email was fiction or MMM took out the Magic Brush of Embellishment.  I just can't believe it's real as written.  :)

Either way, it's funny and does a good job of typifying the complainypants spouse that doesn't like the changes that need to occur to lead a sensible meaningful life. 

I think it was Twain that said, 'don't let the facts get in the way of telling a great story'.  I'm sensing this was a bit of story-line magic to help get to the point he is trying to make (and maybe eek out a few extra views and comments).  Even in my cheapest of hours, I made a few compromises to ensure my spouse wasn't dreaming of knifing things :) 

In the comments, Wage Slave makes a point that really warrants a post or thread in and of itself (apologize in advance for the super long copy-paste):

Some of what she says resonates with what I’ve experienced in my marriage (though to a significantly lesser degree).

I think this boils down to lifestyle, which falls somewhere on a continuum. On one end you have people like MMM and Jacob/ERE, and on the other end are the debt-fueled extreme consumers. Where on that continuum does one have to fall to be “approved” by MMM? The impression I get is that basic personal finance (no debt, 6+ month emergency fund, save at least 15% of pay) isn’t “good enough”.

I do believe that MMM and the “true believers” are genuinely happy… with their biking everywhere (including running errands with the kids), taking infrequent cold “navy” showers, never dining out (Dairy Queen is “terrifying”), never watching TV, wearing no makeup or jewelry, cutting their own hair, sharing internet with their neighbors, drinking no alcohol (or only homemade hooch), wearing only hand-me-down/thrift store clothes (and mattresses), using cloth diapers, strategically living next door to work, foregoing paper towels (or anything disposable for that matter), wearing layers in their house in winter, giving up air conditioning in the summer, fixing all their own roof/electrical/plumbing/structural problems, using a decade-old subcompact for the entire family, precisely measuring caloric requirements to buy exactly (and only) the food they need, never buying books, not watching the news/reading periodicals, never hiring a babysitter or using daycare, using no professional services for taxes/cleaning/housework, not using private school, living in no more than 250 square feet/person, renting out their home when on vacation, no gym membership, no “expensive” hobbies like golf or bowling or video games, the kids don’t get to be involved in any activity non-free that all their friends are doing…

I honestly didn’t mean that in a sarcastic way, and I do truly admire people who can do all that and be happy. It’s a high standard to shoot for, and I do believe we’d all be better off (humanity in general) if we took a more “zen” approach to life and reduced the strain on the earth. But I didn’t exaggerate—all those qualities I’ve seen mentioned by this community, many by MMM himself.

But how did you react to all that? Did you say, “Yeah, all that stuff is badass! There’s some good stuff in there I never thought of!” If so, then you’re probably “MMM approved”. But if you’re a typical wealthy country citizen, you might summarize all that by saying, “OK, so nothing that could possibly be construed as convenience or luxury… yeah, I don’t want to live like that.” That’s sort of how it was with my wife (a SAHM). I kept pushing to reduce our lifestyle, and the discussions always ended with her saying, “OK, *I* will go back to work if we can’t afford to ever eat out or can’t run the AC or can’t call a serviceman if the furnace breaks or can’t drive anywhere or let our kids do stuff with their friends.”

Having reflected on this a bit before hitting “Submit”, I realize that while I believe I kept the hyperbole in check, there’s still some spin at work here. The opposite side of this spin would be MMM’s “My Deprived Life” post from June, 2012. In the end, it’s a matter of perspective. Some people will look at the above and think efficiency, while others think deprivation. I feel like I can relate to both sides of the coin. From a Spock-like purely rational perspective, the MMM way makes sense; but you have to acknowledge that there’s a certain “gravity” to the herd mentality of what everyone else is doing. That gravity is to some people inescapable (happily parked right in the middle of the pack), whereas I think some people are predisposed to ignore it (gratefully breaking away from the pack). I guess I try to walk the fence, being at the edge of the herd (hopefully I’ll see the cliff before it’s too late), but also keeping an eye on the break-aways (maybe they’ll eventually have their own gravity). (Kind of like the “50% Mustachian” comment above.)

[Cheddar Stacker]

Thanks for posting that EV, and thanks to WageSlave for writing it. I rarely check the comments section anymore on MMM's posts because they are typically 10x longer than the post, so I'm glad I saw this here. I've always felt right in line with what WageSlave has written on the forum, and this is no exception. Very well written, and it all resonates with me.

[odput]

I thought it was particularly hilarious that she clung to the literal definition of "soft"

Also, I fear that the comment, “who is so soft that they prefer a gasoline-powered throne to a muscle-powered bike?” has quite missed its mark. I like “soft.” Remember, I am a woman? I put conditioner in my hair so that it’s softer, I shave my legs, so they’re softer, I put lotion on my arms, so that they’re softer. I even smudge my eyeliner a bit to give it a softer look. “Soft” is a feminine thing to be desired and in no way is it a turn off. Sooo YES! I am SOFT! And if a Tahoe makes me softer, bring it on!!! Also, I’ve never had muscles in my life and am totally ok with it.

She totally missed that while "soft" was what was typed, "weak" was implied.

[MooseOutFront]

What a great comment by wage slave.  Thanks for posting it.  Admittedly I was thinking "that's badass" almost the whole way through the summary of perceived Mustachian characteristics, but I know for certain that my wife wouldn't be.  That said, she's not against it and I know where to pick and choose my spots. 

I don't think "no debt, 6+ month emergency fund, save at least 15% of pay" is any better than the bare minimum threshold of good enough for most situations.  Even though I fully understand it would put almost anyone on the top end compared to society at large.

[galliver]

When I first read MMM I thought he was rather extreme and I wasn't sure I liked his advice--it seemed rather selfish. Two things kept me reading...one was the concept of FU money, which I got to from his medical insurance post. It brought home that when you have money in the bank you can actually make smarter decisions about your life rather than being stuck because you're afraid of job loss, the smallest car problem, etc. The second thing was that I started seeing the occasional qualifiers in his posts, his recognition that his actual lifestyle may not be for everyone, but his philosophy can still be applied. 

I love his philosophy and it resonates with me. That a good life isn't expensive and isn't chock-full of modern conveniences. That you don't have to spend all you make and keep up with your colleagues; rather, live YOUR OWN definition of a good life and save the excess, guaranteeing freedom (via FU/FI money) sooner. That you should always ask if there is a cheaper alternative that's almost as good and if you really need the Thing in the first place. That we should rely on community resources and personal capital rather than just money. That we should question "social norms." And I'm sure there are other aspects. The overall picture sits well with me, and I've done many of these things naturally: rented a cheap apt, gone carless for 4 years of post-college adulthood (bike or bus), can and do cook and value eating at home for health and cost reasons (but being lazy and young I slip up), I try mending or fixing things that break before replacing.  But there are also things I just don't feel ready to do, like driving a manual and do auto or home repairs. I'm just not confident enough in my skills in those areas to dive in headfirst. What I'm trying to say is that everyone's reasonable minimum is going to look different to some degree based on their background and situation...and I think that's ok. We can still be applying the overall philosophy, but to our own cases.

In the case of the lady who wrote in, I think the primary problem is the husband dove in headfirst and wants her to do the same, but you can't force someone to do that. You have to bring them gently and in alignment with their values, and show them that a good life can be less expensive than they imagine. E.g. my dad makes the BEST steaks at home. For a fraction of a restaurant meal. And when I go back, I make sushi at a cost of about $6-10pp for essentially all-you-can-eat. The beauty is that you can have it all, for less, if you're willing to put in the effort. Her husband needs to stop reading the blog and preaching, and start practicing and demonstrating. And also stop being cheap and get her a damn couch.

[Ynari]

I got super excited reading Wage Slave's description of Mustachianism.  I, for one, think most mustachian things aren't just "badass", they're FUN.  Homebrewing sounds like more fun than buying stuff.  Biking and walking always trumps motorized vehicles because it makes me feel good!  I'd bike even if I had a free-to-use electric car.  I hate sitting.  I honestly don't understand people who want to be "soft", excepting that they've never been given a proper opportunity to use their muscles (whether physical, mental, or frugal) in a way they enjoy.  The opposite of soft is not being miserable through a workout so you can have big muscles. Everyone has a version of physical fun (some people are runners, some are acrobats, some just like clowning around with physical theater games, but I guarantee you there's something fun for everyone), and the same goes for frugal.

My SO isn't as excited about FIRE, but he really likes the challenge that accompanies most frugality.  It's less about frugality for him and more about survival skills, being self sufficient in more than just a financial sense, and being able to do anything.  Everyone has their own perspective, and many of them can be compatible.

[begood]

I now watch movies by myself. He lays beside me with one eye on the screen and one eye on his computer.

Actual quote from my husband: "It's time to put the Mustache Man away, so we can watch a movie."

Hee! My husband calls MMM "Mr. Cookie Monster". *shrug*

[sol]

In the case of the lady who wrote in, I think the primary problem is the husband dove in headfirst

In the case of the lady who wrote in, I think the primary problem is that she's a consumerist sucker.  A mark, a fool, a patsy, a chump.  She's a brainwashed automaton devoid of any real life, and she will kill her husband just as surely as she has already killed herself.

[KMMK]

The post made me so angry, but apparently not for the same reasons as most other people.

What is she, a baby? Why can't she just go buy a sofa or a coke or whatever. She has a job so she can spend her money however she wants. If she's given up all control of her money to her husband then she's a fool. She needs to suck it up and behave like an adult. If her husband doesn't like how she spends her money, then he can negotiate or leave.

She's just playing the victim blaming MMM and her husband. It's her own fault if she isn't spending how she wants.
End of rant.

[dragoncar]

I would agree that fiction is much more likely than troll in this example.

There's something amiss.  Not only did this supposed nurse practitioner misspell "ladder" and misuse "they're," but she also misused "their" a paragraph later. 

[Cpa Cat]

The post made me so angry, but apparently not for the same reasons as most other people.

What is she, a baby? Why can't she just go buy a sofa or a coke or whatever. She has a job so she can spend her money however she wants. If she's given up all control of her money to her husband then she's a fool. She needs to suck it up and behave like an adult. If her husband doesn't like how she spends her money, then he can negotiate or leave.

She's just playing the victim blaming MMM and her husband. It's her own fault if she isn't spending how she wants.
End of rant.

I thought the same thing. If every day she comes home and wants to stick a knife in the inflatable couch - then why doesn't she do it? It's just an inflatable couch.

[randymarsh]

Her emails really confused me.

With the opening line, I thought she was joking and the post was going to be about how she adopted a less spendy lifestyle.

I can't wrap my head around this:

I am watching all of my dreams of a mommyhood filled with Tahoes, lattes, endless monogramming, and a pottery barn dream house go up in smoke.

There are people who dream of driving a Tahoe and drinking lattes? Huh? The way she's phrased it...it's like she's actually thought about things she desires and that's what she came up with.

As the post went on I became more and more confused.

Why? I seem to have a blind spot for curbs and large rocks next to curbs. I can’t seem to miss them.

There are people driving who hit curbs on a regular basis?!? And they just throw their hands up in the air like it's something out of their control?

SUVS allow you to ignore conventional road side barriers as well as get elusive parking spots other sedans cannot get.

I went from an SUV to a smaller sedan and I have no idea what she's talking about.

It felt like her emails were written by 2 different people. One seemed reasonably intelligent and "normal". The other seemed overly emotional/attached ("Everyone pile in the Tahoe!") and...dumb. 

[sol]

After reading the replies in this thread, I have realized that MMM hoodwinked me.  There is no way that was a real email.

[Basenji]

I now watch movies by myself. He lays beside me with one eye on the screen and one eye on his computer.

Actual quote from my husband: "It's time to put the Mustache Man away, so we can watch a movie."

Bwahahahahaha! MMM has helped our marriage.  We now have a good way to discuss money in a nonthreatening way. And we know what we are working towards.

[grantmeaname]

After reading the replies in this thread, I have realized that MMM hoodwinked me.  There is no way that was a real email.

It's even harder for me to believe that MMM would invent an email that disparages women as much as the letter-writer did. From her perspective it's comical and a little bit sad, but if that was written by him with such a strong distaste of consumerism it would border on misogynistic.

It would be a genius ploy to get people talking about the article though...

[Paul der Krake]

Twist: the woman is arebelsply, trolling us all from the alternate 10k+ posts dimension.

[RootofGood]

Maybe Mrs. MM wrote the email and totally punk'd Mr MM. 

If so, well played, ma'am.  Well played.

[GrayGhost]

In my experience, a lot of Mustachians are weirdos in ways apart from their Mustachianism. A lot of us come from immigrant households, or households with money problems, or alternatively households with high incomes but low savings, or priveleged upbringings, or are engineers of some sort. I wouldn't guess what draws us to Mustachianism, but I hypothesize that there's something in each of us that explains both our Mustachianism and our other unique life choices.

On the other hand, you have the rest of Western society. I don't know about the rest of you all, but I have a very strong time relating to or even understanding the typical American or Canadian and their lifestyle choices.

So it seems to me that this article may refer on a marriage between a guy who has the seed of Mustachianism in him already, but only realized it when he started to read the blog, and a relatively normal lady.

I certainly wouldn't say their marriage is doomed, but there are certain, deep differences between these two sorts of people, and it may be very difficult for them to reconcile them.

Either that, or half of this post is bullshit.

[SnpKraklePhyz]

I want to go on the side of this is a fake email.  I don't think it is a troll but somehow it is fake. 

[LalsConstant]

Could be a troll, sure.  If so it is at least a decent one.

As a single man I really have no dog in this fight, but I do know I have never gotten a good reaction from an unattached  female for trying to optimize myself financially.  I notice it does seem to be already married women who are positive and supportive of trying to be financially responsible.

I deeply suspect however you can gender invert this statement and it would be true in many cases however. 

[ace1224]

i think its real.  only because i could have written it.  its a conversation i have with myself all the time.  i'm not into MMM because i like being "badass"  i'm into bc i like money and not worrying about money.  i'm into it bc one day if i want to sit on my ass at the beach and never work again i'll be able to.
there are days when i'm sad i don't have a chevy z71 tahoe, and a pinterest perfect pottery barn house.  yes i hit the curbs when i drive.  i hate biking, a lot.  i too am also a woman that wants to be "soft".  but those days are few and far between now, and when i feel that way i just think of how awesome it will be to be on permanent vacation way before everyone else.
but homegirl needs to get on board.  and flip the way she thinks.  and meet her husband in the middle. 
i've adjusted my FIRE budget to include stuff that would probably get me facepunches.  don't care, its important to me.  she needs to see the bigger picture. 

my man and i had a similar argument when i first attacked our budget.  we had "agreed" to a certain lifestyle and here i was single handedly changing it.  and he was right, i don't get to make big changes alone.  so we mad them together in a way we could both agree with.   that's what she needs to do

[Apples]

MMM did admit to changing the email a bit for sanity and privacy...so I'm guessing some of the more extreme parts are "for sanity". 

But if her husband and jumped in and is blaming all of his cheapness and inability to compromise on certain parts of their life, then I can see her getting upset.  And if she thinks MMM is exactly like her husband, or even "worse" since her husband emulates him so much, I can see her defending her wants to the point of being a little crazy.  I''m newly married, and my new husband and I have been learning over the last 8 months of living together how to get the other person on board with life change ideas.  For me, it's introducing "MMM lite" in one or two ways every few weeks, for a long slow change.  (We're saving 30% of our income...well 20% is going towards student loans, and he has seen the spreadsheet, but I don't think he "gets" it really.)

But my husband suddenly started wanting to get back into running this spring.  Without any discussion with me, he got out his sneakers and hit the road every day after work, started a training log and goal lists, looked into races to sign up for, etc.  From my perspective, he dived in head first and didn't particularly care what that meant for me.  To me, it seemed like he would rather leave the house immediately to get out for that run than even talk to me for more than 2 mins and was annoyed if I asked how long he would be running.  This messed up our entire after-work routine.  He jumped in with both feet and never thought to toss me some floaties so I could follow along.  I eventually explained to him why his running bothered me so much-it was because I didn't understand his motivation, and it was a sudden large change that greatly affected both of us without my input.

I sometimes listen to the Dave Ramsey show (I  know....but we're paying off some debt, so it's motivational and I enjoy hearing about people who have like 8 loans in their 40's b/c it makes me feel better about our situation).  Anyway, he told one man calling in who's wife thought Dave Ramsey was a cuss word in their house because they disagreed so much, that he needs to pull his spouse along with him more slowly instead of pushing her over the cliff edge.  She needs to be comfortable with the changes and they need to communicate a lot more.  And not mention DR for a long while.  So this guy can not mention MMM and work more on their relationship, though it might be over based on their great differences.

[amyable]

i've adjusted my FIRE budget to include stuff that would probably get me facepunches.  don't care, its important to me.  she needs to see the bigger picture. 

I feel like this approach is totally different from the dichotomous thinking going on in the letter.  No way I would keep a broken blow-up bed for a couch.  The letter writer (troll or not) is insisting that either you live a life with almost no comfort, or you buy a Tahoe and drink Starbucks everyday.  There's a lot of middle ground her and her husband could explore--assuming the letter is real.

[dragoncar]

I now watch movies by myself. He lays beside me with one eye on the screen and one eye on his computer.

Actual quote from my husband: "It's time to put the Mustache Man away, so we can watch a movie."

Hee! My husband calls MMM "Mr. Cookie Monster". *shrug*

We just bought an expensive house, and my wife said "Is Mr. Money Mustache mad at you?"

[FIPurpose]

I now watch movies by myself. He lays beside me with one eye on the screen and one eye on his computer.

Actual quote from my husband: "It's time to put the Mustache Man away, so we can watch a movie."

Hee! My husband calls MMM "Mr. Cookie Monster". *shrug*

I thought a good bit about having cookie monster as my avatar. Isn't cookie monster kind of a symbol of consumerism? Ehh.. Maybe he just knows what makes him happy and doesn't need more than that.

[CommonCents]

I now watch movies by myself. He lays beside me with one eye on the screen and one eye on his computer.

Actual quote from my husband: "It's time to put the Mustache Man away, so we can watch a movie."

Hee! My husband calls MMM "Mr. Cookie Monster". *shrug*

We just bought an expensive house, and my wife said "Is Mr. Money Mustache mad at you?"

Ha!  In reverse shaming, we too bought an expensive not too long ago and when our MMM meetup was rained out, I was almost afraid to invite people over to the rain location, our house, for fear of judgment.  Luckily everyone was nice, even if they privately thought we belong on the Antimustachian Board.

[solon]

The post made me so angry, but apparently not for the same reasons as most other people.

What is she, a baby? Why can't she just go buy a sofa or a coke or whatever. She has a job so she can spend her money however she wants. If she's given up all control of her money to her husband then she's a fool. She needs to suck it up and behave like an adult. If her husband doesn't like how she spends her money, then he can negotiate or leave.

She's just playing the victim blaming MMM and her husband. It's her own fault if she isn't spending how she wants.
End of rant.

I would bet real money that you are divorced. Or never married.

[Gin1984]

The post made me so angry, but apparently not for the same reasons as most other people.

What is she, a baby? Why can't she just go buy a sofa or a coke or whatever. She has a job so she can spend her money however she wants. If she's given up all control of her money to her husband then she's a fool. She needs to suck it up and behave like an adult. If her husband doesn't like how she spends her money, then he can negotiate or leave.

She's just playing the victim blaming MMM and her husband. It's her own fault if she isn't spending how she wants.
End of rant.

I would bet real money that you are divorced. Or never married.

I am married, and I agree with her.  If there is joint money, how it is spent should be a joint decision.  If she has no control over any of her money that is serious problem.

[KMMK]

The post made me so angry, but apparently not for the same reasons as most other people.

What is she, a baby? Why can't she just go buy a sofa or a coke or whatever. She has a job so she can spend her money however she wants. If she's given up all control of her money to her husband then she's a fool. She needs to suck it up and behave like an adult. If her husband doesn't like how she spends her money, then he can negotiate or leave.

She's just playing the victim blaming MMM and her husband. It's her own fault if she isn't spending how she wants.
End of rant.

I would bet real money that you are divorced. Or never married.

Happily married because neither of us try to trap or control the other financially.

[aclarridge]

I found the post hugely entertaining!  (I tried to post a comment, but my comments never seem to make the cut).  I totally identified with the husband's apparent obsession with the blog.  I'm currently at work checking out this forum, for example, when I should definitely be doing other things. 

Ha!  Yes.  I started the blog from the beginning during 2013 and it took me a couple months to read through whole thing.  During that time I had a MMM blog post open on any browser I was ever in front of.  It consumed me.  Luckily I know myself well and have learned from oversharing my excitement with others on things in the past, so I didn't move too quickly on the wife front for my own good.  If I had, then she would have felt the same way as the featured emailer in question.

That's why I'm pretty certain the commenters claiming troll are wrong.  Too much of it hits home.

Wow, I could have written this! Discovered it at about the same time, read at about the same speed in the same way, and had the same thoughts about over-exuberance. High five man!

I'm glad I took that path...I know sometimes the wife and I have differences of opinion and at rare times she can sound somewhat similar to the woman in the post, but overall the changes in our life have been overwhelmingly positive and we both see the purpose/goal, just at times we can argue about how quick we need to get there.

[StarryC]

One of the things that the poster's husband, and even MMM have missed, as a reply to this email is that Mustachianism isn't all about NOT having the things she wants, it's about having them in a reasonable way.

We often discuss how Starbucks isn't really that bad if it's a 1x a week/ 2x a month treat with your spouse or friends, rather than a daily routine.  I think most mustachians have couches made of fabric and wood, not plastic and air!  They might even be second hand Pottery Barn, or Pottery Barn style but for much less.  Certainly there are ways to achieve a Pinterest pretty life without the expense- much of that is pallet wood coffee tables, "antique" looking rugs (which can be garage sale rugs!).   The point is, the right hatchback CAN store the strollers & bushes you need, without the gas mileage of a Tahoe.  How often does the writer actually USE the capacity of the Tahoe?  2x a year for girl's weekends?  2x a year for camping?  Mustachianism says you have permission to rent an SUV to do that! 

And, of course, she's worried about the right car for kids that don't exist yet.  No need to buy the soccer mom car before your kids can breathe, let alone kick a soccer ball. 

And, I think that's the thing: I would bet this couple is having a conflict about having children and how to raise them, and this lifestyle conflict is the manifestation of that.  " I would be okay being poor if I could stay home and have babies or was doing overseas missions or something." 

 So, she wants (maybe) to be a stay at home mom (or at least, a mom), and she feels like her husband's focus on money is going to prevent that.  Maybe all her friends have quit their jobs, and she's still working.  They go to play dates, while she works and she can't even flaunt her expensive car to them.  But the car IS not going to fulfill her desire for children.  They need to sort out when and if they want kids.  If their answers aren't the same, the should split up, because there's no way to have 1/2 a kid.  It is possible though that Husband does want kids, and just wants them only once he can actually spend time with them.  Then he needs to share that vision, and maybe there is a compromise there. 

[RelaxedGal]

I zeroed in more on this part of the first e-mail,

"I thought I was the most wonderful spouse on the planet because we recently paid off 6 years of student loans. And now here we are planning to scrape by for the next 50 years. I do not want to talk about money every hour of every day for the rest of my life. "

I think her husband needs to re-read Give Yourself the Gift of Not Worrying About Money http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2014/05/29/give-yourself-the-gift-of-not-worrying-about-money/ and loosen up a little.  Buy the damned couch!  Consider a taller car!  Have a talk and get on the same page with your goals!

It sounds to me like they hit one big milestone (the student debt) and she thought that was the end of the race.  She just discovered that her husband, thanks to MMM, has turned it into a triathalon while she thought she'd be drinking beers at the end of the 5k.

And, I think that's the thing: I would bet this couple is having a conflict about having children and how to raise them, and this lifestyle conflict is the manifestation of that.  " I would be okay being poor if I could stay home and have babies or was doing overseas missions or something." 

So, she wants (maybe) to be a stay at home mom (or at least, a mom), and she feels like her husband's focus on money is going to prevent that.

Very good point.  Definitely needs a good "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" discussion with her husband.

And no, I don't think she's a troll, but I do think the more ridiculous parts are embellished for her privacy.  Or at least I hope so!