Violent crime, PTSD, burnout: Please help me find a way out

[cannotWAIT]

Earlier this year, I was the victim of a violent crime. I’m mostly healed physically but have some permanent damage—not totally disabling, but daily life is harder now. I’m still in therapy for PTSD, and am told my exhaustion is a symptom of that. I'm now embroiled in a criminal case and civil lawsuit that are very stressful and time consuming. I also recently broke up with my long-term partner, and have seriously ill (and beloved) dog who requires a lot of care and will for at least a few months. I have used up all my FMLA so more time off is not an option. Everything in my house and on my property is in a state of neglect because I’m so limited in what I can do.

I’m 58 and have what is for me a really good WFH job. With my particular resume and at my age, I will never find another one with such good work-life balance plus decent pay and benefits. However, even before all this happened, I was well and truly 100% burned out and now I have all this additional stress and work. I don’t see how I can do it. I’m basically already quiet quitting and even that feels unbearable.

I have $770K invested, plus a paid-off home worth conservatively $300K, possibly up to $375K. No debt. No big expenses expected, although as I have learned, anything can happen at any time. I track my expenses and over the last six years I have never exceeded $24K although this year will be quite a bit higher. I will get $23K/year in SS at age 70 if I quit now (this is the correct amount based on my earning history with no more income after this year).

The consensus of the various FIRE calculators is that I can spend a minimum of $37K a year—more in up years if following a VPW strategy, which is fine because I don't need to leave anyone money.

This seems pretty simple on paper but there are a few aspects that are holding me back:

1) ACA plans in my state have geographically limited provider networks and since I live in a rural area, the network is not great. I’ve been a pretty heavy user of medical services and prefer to go to the big city in the next state over for specialist care. This will no longer be possible. I thought that if something really bad happens, like I get cancer or need an orthopedic surgery, I can just “move” to the neighboring state for the duration and get on their ACA. Otherwise, I don’t know.  This is my biggest concern.

2) I worry about paying for care in old age. I would love to work longer just to give myself peace of mind about this, but I’m so exhausted.

3) I rarely ever read of anyone voluntarily retiring on such a low amount. I find this aspect of the decision really perplexing and it makes me question my own judgment. I know all that matters is how much I spend, but maybe I'm in a uniquely great position right now and I will be locking myself into it financially if I quit.

4) Related to the above, if I ever want to move, it will be pretty hard to find a home as nice as this one for this same amount of money.

I know I’m lucky to have this job and if I could find a way to cope it would be good for me to stay. And everyone keeps telling me not to make any big decisions right now. What I really want in my heart of hearts is to be convinced that it’s fine to quit and everything will be okay.

All advice gratefully received.

[lhamo]

I'm sorry you have been through so much recently.  PTSD is hard, and so are legal things.

Any chance you could qualify for short- or long-term disability?  Or take an unpaid leave of absence?  Or drop to a PT schedule for a few months or a year?  Then, if you manage to recover/heal enough to have more energy you could go back to what sounds like a pretty good work situation to pad the stash .

Other thoughts:  is the house/property suitable for aging in place?  Would it be a good time to consider downsizing/moving someplace with better healthcare access (maybe in that other state) and could you get something suitable but less expensive?  That would give you a bigger cash cushion to work with

I mean, technically you have enough if you can maintain spending at around 24k/year -- that's only a little more than a 3% withdrawal rate on your 770k, which is pretty conservative.  But SORR is high because of the big run-up the markets have had this year.

I would encourage you to prioritize getting your physical and mental health stabilized now over worrying about old age issues.  Investing in your health in your 50s/60s is likely to pay off in a much longer healthspan.  Healthspan is a concept I love -- it doesn't really mean much if you manage to live to be 80+ but  you can't enjoy life because your health and mobility is poor.

[cannotWAIT]

I'm on short-term disability right now but it will run out soon. I don't believe I would qualify for long-term disability. I haven't inquired about an unpaid leave of absence but my role is unique and essential so someone would have to do it and once they know how, there would be no reason to bring me back. I don't want to work PT--honestly, the job is often PT as it is. It's more the mental burden.

The house is suitable for aging in place (other than the needed upkeep) and I've lived here for so long that I don't want to uproot myself from my social network. If I did, it would be to move to France, which would take care of the health insurance issue at least and be somewhat more affordable. This is definitely something I'm considering but I'm not sure it's the wisest course for someone who's already been through a lot.

I know it's frustrating when the person asking for advice rejects it! I appreciate the suggestions.

[cannotWAIT]

Also I should probably add that included in that 770K is about 3 years' worth of expenses in cash, which would mitigate SORR.

[GilesMM]

I would look into some professional psychotherapy to help you cope for the next few months.  Perhaps your employer would assist with this?


On the bright side, it is good the perp was caught. Sure hope he/she/they get the punishment they deserve.

[cannotWAIT]

I would look into some professional psychotherapy to help you cope for the next few months.  Perhaps your employer would assist with this?


On the bright side, it is good the perp was caught. Sure hope he/she/they get the punishment they deserve.

Yes, I'm in therapy and have been from the start.

[BECABECA]

I’m going to add a second suggestion of looking into applying for long term disability benefits. PTSD is a valid long term disability, and you have a pretty straightforward case given it arose from a violent crime, you are in therapy for it, and you are on FMLA and it’s running out. Plus you still have some lingering physical disabilities that remind you of the violence and make daily life harder.

Here’s a helpful write up of what criteria SSDI requires for PTSD:
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/how-can-i-document-my-ptsd-order-get-social-security-benefits.html

[GilesMM]

I would look into some professional psychotherapy to help you cope for the next few months.  Perhaps your employer would assist with this?


On the bright side, it is good the perp was caught. Sure hope he/she/they get the punishment they deserve.

Yes, I'm in therapy and have been from the start.

Is the therapist meeting your expectations? How are they helping with the burnout?

[MaybeBabyMustache]

You've gotten some good advice so far on considering the finances, but I just want to say that I'm so sorry for what you've been through & I really hope your therapist is able to help you with the PTSD. Please do consider applying for longer term disability benefits.

[Tasse]

You note that you don't see people retiring on $770k, but I think it's important to recognize that you aren't trying to have a 60-year retirement only on that stash. You've already earned enough social security to nearly cover all your expenses. So your $770k only needs to last 12 years before SS kicks in, plus give you a little extra wiggle room after that.

I messed around with the Rich, Broke, Dead calculator based on your situation and it suggested you can spend up to $40k per year and still have a 95% success rate by age 100 (see image). At $24k spend per year, you are essentially guaranteed to have more money than you started with by age 80 (assuming the future is well approximated by the past).

I'm making some guesses about your asset allocation, among other things, but this suggests that it's not a crazy idea.

https://engaging-data.com/will-money-last-retire-early/?spend=40000&initsav=770000&age=58&yrs=42&stockpct=80&bondpct=10&cashpct=10&sex=0&infl=1&taxrate=0&fees=0.05&income=23000&incstart=70&incend=100&expense=0&expstart=50&expend=70&showdeath=1&showlow=1&show2x=1&show5x=1&flexpct=0&spendthreshold=100&mort=ss

[Morning Glory]

Quitting doesn't have to mean you never work again.  After a year or two you could always take on some part time work like substitute teaching or even look for another job in your field 

[cannotWAIT]

You note that you don't see people retiring on $770k, but I think it's important to recognize that you aren't trying to have a 60-year retirement only on that stash. You've already earned enough social security to nearly cover all your expenses. So your $770k only needs to last 12 years before SS kicks in, plus give you a little extra wiggle room after that.

I messed around with the Rich, Broke, Dead calculator based on your situation and it suggested you can spend up to $40k per year and still have a 95% success rate by age 100 (see image). At $24k spend per year, you are essentially guaranteed to have more money than you started with by age 80 (assuming the future is well approximated by the past).

I'm making some guesses about your asset allocation, among other things, but this suggests that it's not a crazy idea.

https://engaging-data.com/will-money-last-retire-early/?spend=40000&initsav=770000&age=58&yrs=42&stockpct=80&bondpct=10&cashpct=10&sex=0&infl=1&taxrate=0&fees=0.05&income=23000&incstart=70&incend=100&expense=0&expstart=50&expend=70&showdeath=1&showlow=1&show2x=1&show5x=1&flexpct=0&spendthreshold=100&mort=ss

Before posting I had used this same calculator, with the same data but a slightly more conservative allocation, and got the same result. I would love to hear anyone else's thoughts on this.

[cannotWAIT]

I’m going to add a second suggestion of looking into applying for long term disability benefits. PTSD is a valid long term disability, and you have a pretty straightforward case given it arose from a violent crime, you are in therapy for it, and you are on FMLA and it’s running out. Plus you still have some lingering physical disabilities that remind you of the violence and make daily life harder.

Here’s a helpful write up of what criteria SSDI requires for PTSD:
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/how-can-i-document-my-ptsd-order-get-social-security-benefits.html

This is really helpful and surprising to me. I just left a message for a friend who is a disability lawyer to get his take on the details of my situation. I have only ever heard nightmare stories of having to fight long term disability insurers to receive a benefit so I'm skeptical but I should get a professional opinion before dismissing the idea. I certainly fit the criteria. Thank you so much.

[LifeHappens]

You note that you don't see people retiring on $770k, but I think it's important to recognize that you aren't trying to have a 60-year retirement only on that stash. You've already earned enough social security to nearly cover all your expenses. So your $770k only needs to last 12 years before SS kicks in, plus give you a little extra wiggle room after that.

I messed around with the Rich, Broke, Dead calculator based on your situation and it suggested you can spend up to $40k per year and still have a 95% success rate by age 100 (see image). At $24k spend per year, you are essentially guaranteed to have more money than you started with by age 80 (assuming the future is well approximated by the past).

I'm making some guesses about your asset allocation, among other things, but this suggests that it's not a crazy idea.

https://engaging-data.com/will-money-last-retire-early/?spend=40000&initsav=770000&age=58&yrs=42&stockpct=80&bondpct=10&cashpct=10&sex=0&infl=1&taxrate=0&fees=0.05&income=23000&incstart=70&incend=100&expense=0&expstart=50&expend=70&showdeath=1&showlow=1&show2x=1&show5x=1&flexpct=0&spendthreshold=100&mort=ss

Before posting I had used this same calculator, with the same data but a slightly more conservative allocation, and got the same result. I would love to hear anyone else's thoughts on this.

The numbers aren't lying to you. Between your current stash and your future SS payments you can most certainly live your current lifestyle with some extra padding for medical expenses. Also, you are only 9 years to being Medicare eligible, which will probably help with expenses down the line.

OP, you sound absolutely exhausted, and rightly so. You have so much going on and you do NOT need to keep working. I'm glad you are getting medical care for your PTSD and all of the other issues on that front. Please think long and hard about stepping away from work to take care of your needs.

[reeshau]

With my particular resume and at my age, I will never find another one with such good work-life balance plus decent pay and benefits.

...my role is unique and essential...

Good advice and discussion so far.  I'm sorry you're at this convergence of misfortune.  One thing I round reading your posts is an incongruence here.  No employer voluntarily does more than the need to.  They may be a good employer or a bad one, and therefore invest in their pay and benefits accordingly.  But they probably aren't stupid, accidentally paying more or allowing WFH when it would be detrimental to their business.

You need some time to recover.  Hopefully that could be under the shield of long-term disability.  But even if not, you have plenty of resources to buy you that time.  Even if you did quit, and ACA is not adequate, you could COBRA for 18 months to maintain the network.

But most important, believe that you can find a job that works just as well for you.  It might take time, but you have lots of time.  People complain about job abavailability because it is often an urgent matter.  When you have a large 'stache, it is not.

And, most likely, after some time to cool down, get your personal life and surroundings back under control, you may find what you want is something entirely different.  Or, at least, that something entirely different is just as good.

Good luck on this journey.

[BECABECA]

I’m going to add a second suggestion of looking into applying for long term disability benefits. PTSD is a valid long term disability, and you have a pretty straightforward case given it arose from a violent crime, you are in therapy for it, and you are on FMLA and it’s running out. Plus you still have some lingering physical disabilities that remind you of the violence and make daily life harder.

Here’s a helpful write up of what criteria SSDI requires for PTSD:
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/how-can-i-document-my-ptsd-order-get-social-security-benefits.html

This is really helpful and surprising to me. I just left a message for a friend who is a disability lawyer to get his take on the details of my situation. I have only ever heard nightmare stories of having to fight long term disability insurers to receive a benefit so I'm skeptical but I should get a professional opinion before dismissing the idea. I certainly fit the criteria. Thank you so much.

Oh good, that’s awesome that you have a disability lawyer in your network that you can ask!

And I also want to add that you can feel confident with the results of the rich/broke/dead calculator. You have a relatively short amount of time that your stash needs to sustain you before social security retirement benefits kicking in. You also have the option to take social security early or late depending on how your stash is holding up, which gives you even more flexibility. And if you do end up getting granted SSDI for l your PTSD, you’ll also be eligible for medicare instead of having to wait to age 65. And even if you don’t get SSDI and if after a few years your stash isn’t keeping up with the projections, you’ll be in a better place burnout-wise and ptsd-wise then to pick up some low stress hourly job to take a little load off of the finances. Your health and mental health are worth deciding to coast FIRE now, this is exactly what FI is for!

[sonofsven]

Definitely talk to the disability lawyer. It takes quite awhile to get approved, but over 55 with a long and verifiable work history you'll have a better chance.
Especially if you have a paper trail in your medical history post traumatic event that details the injuries and attempts at "getting better".
I'm sorry you're going through this!

[oldtoyota]

I’m sorry for all you are going through. I wanted to point out that your SS benefit amount will decrease a little each year if there is a year with zero earnings. If you are counting in that money, it’s good to be aware of that aspect.

[jfer_rose]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I quit my job in 2019 with a lower net worth than you have now, although in the same ballpark (same ballpark with spending as well). I was super burned out at my job and I really needed a change. I was planning to go back to school to learn woodworking and then work in the new field. I went to school but midway through the program the pandemic happened and graduation was delayed. I started a business, eventually graduated, and then in early 2021 I checked my net worth to see that it had surpassed my full FIRE number.

But my 5-year quit-aversary was a few days ago and I've considered myself fully FIRE for a long time. My net worth is now quite a lot higher than my full-FIRE number. Of course, there was some market luck involved in that. But I am still feeling pretty secure that I have enough money.

In any case, you certainly have a very long run-way if you wanted to quit your job, work on your health, and figure out plans from there. Now that I have the gift of time, I am much better positioned to find ways to earn income than I was in the midst if burn-out. I have so many business ideas and interests I wouldn't mind pursuing if I felt I needed more money. And I do earn small bits of income here and there doing things I enjoy (teaching woodworking, pet sitting, working at the polls on election day) which helps keep my withdrawals lower.

Of course, I agree with others that it is absolutely worth pursuing LT disability as well.

[cannotWAIT]

I’m sorry for all you are going through. I wanted to point out that your SS benefit amount will decrease a little each year if there is a year with zero earnings. If you are counting in that money, it’s good to be aware of that aspect.

My understanding has always been that they take the top 35 highest earning years to arrive at your PIA, and since I've already got 35 years in, future zeroes would not alter that calculation. If this is incorrect, I would really appreciate being pointed to more detailed information!

[reeshau]

I’m sorry for all you are going through. I wanted to point out that your SS benefit amount will decrease a little each year if there is a year with zero earnings. If you are counting in that money, it’s good to be aware of that aspect.

This would be true, if you have less than 35 years' income history and relied on social security's default calculation.  OP is 58, so has likely worked 35 years, and specified her calculation was without working further.

https://www-origin.ssa.gov/oact/COLA/Benefits.html

[jfer_rose]

I’m sorry for all you are going through. I wanted to point out that your SS benefit amount will decrease a little each year if there is a year with zero earnings. If you are counting in that money, it’s good to be aware of that aspect.

This would be true, if you have less than 35 years' income history and relied on social security's default calculation.  OP is 58, so has likely worked 35 years, and specified her calculation was without working further.

https://www-origin.ssa.gov/oact/COLA/Benefits.html

Since quitting my job 5 years ago, I have noticed that when I log into the Social Security website it says it is estimating my benefit as if I continue to earn what I am earning now. (Which is almost nothing). I am quite satisfied with my estimated benefit.

[SunnyDays]

I don't know anything about US LTD/SS options, but others here seem to think you will be okay with quitting now.  If so, perhaps you can also make some passive income by renting out a room (or two) in your house, or even renting a cheaper place and renting out your own home for more.

It sounds like your current situation is simply not sustainable and the longer you carry on this path, the worse you will feel.  Burnout is no joke, it's a body/brain on fire, no pun intended.  Do whatever you need to do to give yourself time to heal.  You can make up the money later if you have to.

I'm sorry you've been dealt this blow.  Recovery is your number one priority.

[Villanelle]

I'm sorry you are dealing with all this. 

Remember that while you may not find a comparable job, down the road you can likely pick up work that brings in $5-10k per year.  With your low expenses, that would be a very meaningful amount.  You can take time now, decompress, and then, if you want to, you can pursue some options down the road that supplement your income, if it makes you feel more comfortable.  Perhaps reminding yourself of that will feel like a bit of a safety net.

Also, is there any chance of a significant settlement from the perpetrator, and is that something you are pursuing or plan to pursue? (To be clear, I'm not saying you should or that it is the only right approach.  Just asking in case that is a potential additional income source.  While you wouldn't count on it until it's done--and even then you may never receive the full amount, it is another potential safety net if you ar adding up reasons why you will more than likely be fine.)

[GilesMM]

I’m sorry for all you are going through. I wanted to point out that your SS benefit amount will decrease a little each year if there is a year with zero earnings. If you are counting in that money, it’s good to be aware of that aspect.

My understanding has always been that they take the top 35 highest earning years to arrive at your PIA, and since I've already got 35 years in, future zeroes would not alter that calculation. If this is incorrect, I would really appreciate being pointed to more detailed information!

You are correct.  If you have 35 years earnings adding more zeros will have no impact.


However, if, like me, you had among those 35 some low income years (when I was in college) that didn't max out SS, you can replace those with full SS earnings by working in some fashion to earn more than you did in your lowest years or, ideally, to the max SS income (eg $168K in 2024).  I wasn't planning to do this but was lured into a bit of consulting last year and this year which is boosting my SS (which under the current rules I maximize by claiming at age 62!).

[cannotWAIT]

Also, is there any chance of a significant settlement from the perpetrator, and is that something you are pursuing or plan to pursue? (To be clear, I'm not saying you should or that it is the only right approach.  Just asking in case that is a potential additional income source.  While you wouldn't count on it until it's done--and even then you may never receive the full amount, it is another potential safety net if you ar adding up reasons why you will more than likely be fine.)

Yes, that's what the civil lawsuit is about, but it's not going to be a life-changing amount of money.

[lhamo]

A couple of thoughts:

1)  Ask the disability lawyer if quitting your job now might actually improve your chances of securing long term disability.  I could see that being the case -- it is easier to argue that you are capable of doing your job if you are still doing it.  Harder if you have already documented that you can't manage it to the extent that you quit.  IANAL though so see what the experienced person recommends (but maybe at least let them know that you have enough resources to live a modest life on while you wait for the decision or for your health to improve enough to go back to work)

2)  Since one backup plan for staying in current location involves moving to France, is there a way you could get a reasonable estimate of what your living expenses would be there?  You would have roughly 1 mill in non-property assets after the sale of current home, so a 35-40k annual SWR.  Then the additional SS income when the time comes.  What would housing look like for you there?

[cannotWAIT]

A couple of thoughts:

1)  Ask the disability lawyer if quitting your job now might actually improve your chances of securing long term disability.  I could see that being the case -- it is easier to argue that you are capable of doing your job if you are still doing it.  Harder if you have already documented that you can't manage it to the extent that you quit.  IANAL though so see what the experienced person recommends (but maybe at least let them know that you have enough resources to live a modest life on while you wait for the decision or for your health to improve enough to go back to work)

2)  Since one backup plan for staying in current location involves moving to France, is there a way you could get a reasonable estimate of what your living expenses would be there?  You would have roughly 1 mill in non-property assets after the sale of current home, so a 35-40k annual SWR.  Then the additional SS income when the time comes.  What would housing look like for you there?

Good idea about asking if quitting now is advantageous.

About France--yes, I've been active in expat groups online for over a year and closely following COL discussions and having private conversations with people who have done it and I would be fine there on less than I spend now. This is actually what I ultimately want to do and I'm very educated on all the logistics of it, but they are daunting and I just don't feel that it's feasible right now. I can barely complete a load of laundry. But I think it would do me a world of good to get out of here and not be constantly reminded by everything in my environment of all that's happened. On the other hand this is where my social support system is and it seems crazy to walk away from that. Also, I can't go anywhere until my dog is better.

Maybe I need to go away for a year and come back and reevaluate. And that idea gets complicated fast too. Do I want to be a long distance landlord and introduce risk to this asset that's such a large chunk of my net worth? There's a huge amount of work in getting this house ready to rent that I just can't face. Do I want to just let the house sit empty? It costs about $6000/year to run between insurance, taxes, base level utilities and city services, etc. I really appreciate the concept of going away to a sanitorium for a few months! Sometimes life hands you a problem that you do just need to run away from.

Anyway, thank you all so much for your kind words and good ideas.

[ChpBstrd]

Some key advantages making this problem simpler are your low $24k spend rate, lack of need to leave an inheritance, and your age of 58 years. If you were 30 spending $70k per year with a young child the solution wouldn't be as clear, IMO.

Here's my suggestion:

According to ImmediateAnnuities.com, a 58 year old female(?) in Tennessee (randomly selected ACA state where one might be tempted to cross the border for big city medical care) can obtain a 6.67% annual payout on an annuity. That means for each $100k you spend on the annuity, you purchase $556 in guaranteed monthly income ($6672/year) for life.

At that rate, about $300k of your stash could buy enough guaranteed income to cover your $24k spend rate, and maybe $150k more could cover an increase of perhaps $12k to buy an ACA marketplace plan. If you spent $450k in this way, you'd still have $320,000 to leave in the market untouched for the next decade to cover inflation, longevity, emergencies, and eventual long-term care.

When Social Security kicks in you get a massive income boost that you might not even need. Some may complain about tax inefficiency, but I'm thinking of this as possible relief to any cash flow problems you might be developing by that time due to medical issues, the need to move, unexpectedly high inflation, home repair or remod needs, etc. Or it could replenish your portfolio if you had to tap into that in previous years. In other words, SS will mitigate most of the financial risks you can think of. And if the people are dumb enough to elect politicians who cut their own SS benefits then your income is still covered.

PLUS, you are essentially immune from Sequence of Returns Risk with this portfolio. A market crash could affect the value of your $320k but you can yawn and say "it'll go back up" because your income would be unaffected.

Retire whenever you're ready. It's a matter of clicking buttons on websites.

Replace the time spent on work with time spent among friends and in nature, and watch how the health issues and burnout improve. Take a hike, catch a live show, do yoga, join a volunteer organization, ride a bike, take a trip, make art, train for a 5k, work on the house, or do whatever else you find uplifting. Finances or risk are not holding you back.

[spartana]

@cannotWait  I'm very sorry to hear this happened and I hope you'll continue to get better, both physically and emotionally, as time goes on. And yes I think you are FI at your current level of spending (and could spend more if desired) and could RE now. I FIREd more than 20 years ago on a smaller stash at a younger age. I was also single with no kids and a paid off house - which I eventually sold and downsized which was always part of my plans once my pets were gone FI or not -  and it's worked out very well for me. So I think it's really really doable for you.

[mistymoney]

nothing to add to the great advice, but wanted to convey how sorry I am this happened to you adn my hopes that things get better soon.

[Laura33]

I have only ever heard nightmare stories of having to fight long term disability insurers to receive a benefit so I'm skeptical but I should get a professional opinion before dismissing the idea. I certainly fit the criteria.

I think one thing any kind of trauma/anxiety does is help you lose perspective, so you awfulize every potentiality to the worst possible scenario.  And that is completely paralyzing.  So I would like to help you re-set your perspective a bit on this one issue:

Maybe you'll have to fight for disability benefits.  So what?  That "fight" involves going to doctors and sending paperwork to your lawyer.  It is not a daily drain, not like you need to live in fight-or-flight land every day over this.

The reason disability fights are so terrible for people is because they need the money to survive.  You do not.  You have more than enough money to cover your fairly moderate expenses for years and years -- decades, even.  And even if ultimately you don't win, well, you'll still have SS there covering almost everything you need. 

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are in a position of tremendous strength here.  You can do this.  Heck, you've survived a terrible, terrible situation, and you're still here, present, every day, fighting to get better.  You are a badass.  The disability office has nothing on you.

[cannotWAIT]

I have only ever heard nightmare stories of having to fight long term disability insurers to receive a benefit so I'm skeptical but I should get a professional opinion before dismissing the idea. I certainly fit the criteria.

I think one thing any kind of trauma/anxiety does is help you lose perspective, so you awfulize every potentiality to the worst possible scenario.  And that is completely paralyzing.  So I would like to help you re-set your perspective a bit on this one issue:

Maybe you'll have to fight for disability benefits.  So what?  That "fight" involves going to doctors and sending paperwork to your lawyer.  It is not a daily drain, not like you need to live in fight-or-flight land every day over this.

The reason disability fights are so terrible for people is because they need the money to survive.  You do not.  You have more than enough money to cover your fairly moderate expenses for years and years -- decades, even.  And even if ultimately you don't win, well, you'll still have SS there covering almost everything you need. 

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are in a position of tremendous strength here.  You can do this.  Heck, you've survived a terrible, terrible situation, and you're still here, present, every day, fighting to get better.  You are a badass.  The disability office has nothing on you.

Thank you for this. That's very encouraging. I think I also have a lot of weird feelings about being perceived as a shirker or malingerer. PTSD is a term that is used so often and so lightly, even by me before this happened, that I think most people have no idea what it's actually like. I didn't.

[Laura33]

I have only ever heard nightmare stories of having to fight long term disability insurers to receive a benefit so I'm skeptical but I should get a professional opinion before dismissing the idea. I certainly fit the criteria.

I think one thing any kind of trauma/anxiety does is help you lose perspective, so you awfulize every potentiality to the worst possible scenario.  And that is completely paralyzing.  So I would like to help you re-set your perspective a bit on this one issue:

Maybe you'll have to fight for disability benefits.  So what?  That "fight" involves going to doctors and sending paperwork to your lawyer.  It is not a daily drain, not like you need to live in fight-or-flight land every day over this.

The reason disability fights are so terrible for people is because they need the money to survive.  You do not.  You have more than enough money to cover your fairly moderate expenses for years and years -- decades, even.  And even if ultimately you don't win, well, you'll still have SS there covering almost everything you need. 

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are in a position of tremendous strength here.  You can do this.  Heck, you've survived a terrible, terrible situation, and you're still here, present, every day, fighting to get better.  You are a badass.  The disability office has nothing on you.

Thank you for this. That's very encouraging. I think I also have a lot of weird feelings about being perceived as a shirker or malingerer. PTSD is a term that is used so often and so lightly, even by me before this happened, that I think most people have no idea what it's actually like. I didn't.

Any kind of psychological issue comes with some degree of stigma in this country.  It's like if everyone can't see some obvious physical problem, it doesn't exist.  And when you're raised in that environment, you internalize that yourself.  How many times have you gotten frustrated with yourself because you can't just suck it up and do XYZ?  You have no perspective about what is a legitimate, real response to trauma, and what is you just being lazy, so you do what the doctors say, but always have this fear that your real problem is some internal character flaw/weakness that no one knows about and you really really don't want them to know about.

Or, you know, maybe that was just me.  ;-)  (I'm definitely projecting here, because I've never dealt with PTSD, but I did have a whole bunch of those thoughts with a major depressive episode, and I'm kinda suspecting that self-doubt part could be similar for you).

Here's the thing:  you are not an expert in PTSD.  You are one data point -- and unfortunately, your data point is stuck in the middle of it all right now and flailing around trying to find "normal."  What do you do when you have a problem that you are not an expert in?  You call on the experts.  Sure, you learn as much as you can, but you can't get a medical degree in a year.  So you go to doctors and psychiatrists and therapists and support groups with other people who have been through PTSD -- all the things you are doing. 

So what do all those people say?  Have they called you a slacker?  Have they suggested that you're just making this all up, or that it's laziness, or some other character flaw?  I 100% guarantee you that any kind of trained professional who deals with PTSD is telling you that your symptoms are very real, and that they are triggered by the disease and are not some sort of innate character flaw.   

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to believe them.  What you feel is real and legitimate, and you have every right to feel it and to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself above all else.  You are the only you you have.  So please be kind and patient with yourself -- and for Pete's sake, cut yourself some slack!  Your inability to do the things you want to is your body and brain telling you that it is literally incapable of doing that right now -- it's like you're trying to run on a broken leg before the bone has completely healed.  So stop doing that!  Give your body and brain the time and love and kindness they need to heal -- even if it's longer than you think it "should" be. ("Should" is a terrible word, btw.  Cut it from your vocabulary right now)

[cannotWAIT]

I have only ever heard nightmare stories of having to fight long term disability insurers to receive a benefit so I'm skeptical but I should get a professional opinion before dismissing the idea. I certainly fit the criteria.

I think one thing any kind of trauma/anxiety does is help you lose perspective, so you awfulize every potentiality to the worst possible scenario.  And that is completely paralyzing.  So I would like to help you re-set your perspective a bit on this one issue:

Maybe you'll have to fight for disability benefits.  So what?  That "fight" involves going to doctors and sending paperwork to your lawyer.  It is not a daily drain, not like you need to live in fight-or-flight land every day over this.

The reason disability fights are so terrible for people is because they need the money to survive.  You do not.  You have more than enough money to cover your fairly moderate expenses for years and years -- decades, even.  And even if ultimately you don't win, well, you'll still have SS there covering almost everything you need. 

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are in a position of tremendous strength here.  You can do this.  Heck, you've survived a terrible, terrible situation, and you're still here, present, every day, fighting to get better.  You are a badass.  The disability office has nothing on you.

Thank you for this. That's very encouraging. I think I also have a lot of weird feelings about being perceived as a shirker or malingerer. PTSD is a term that is used so often and so lightly, even by me before this happened, that I think most people have no idea what it's actually like. I didn't.

Any kind of psychological issue comes with some degree of stigma in this country.  It's like if everyone can't see some obvious physical problem, it doesn't exist.  And when you're raised in that environment, you internalize that yourself.  How many times have you gotten frustrated with yourself because you can't just suck it up and do XYZ?  You have no perspective about what is a legitimate, real response to trauma, and what is you just being lazy, so you do what the doctors say, but always have this fear that your real problem is some internal character flaw/weakness that no one knows about and you really really don't want them to know about.

Or, you know, maybe that was just me.  ;-)  (I'm definitely projecting here, because I've never dealt with PTSD, but I did have a whole bunch of those thoughts with a major depressive episode, and I'm kinda suspecting that self-doubt part could be similar for you).

Here's the thing:  you are not an expert in PTSD.  You are one data point -- and unfortunately, your data point is stuck in the middle of it all right now and flailing around trying to find "normal."  What do you do when you have a problem that you are not an expert in?  You call on the experts.  Sure, you learn as much as you can, but you can't get a medical degree in a year.  So you go to doctors and psychiatrists and therapists and support groups with other people who have been through PTSD -- all the things you are doing. 

So what do all those people say?  Have they called you a slacker?  Have they suggested that you're just making this all up, or that it's laziness, or some other character flaw?  I 100% guarantee you that any kind of trained professional who deals with PTSD is telling you that your symptoms are very real, and that they are triggered by the disease and are not some sort of innate character flaw.   

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to believe them.  What you feel is real and legitimate, and you have every right to feel it and to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself above all else.  You are the only you you have.  So please be kind and patient with yourself -- and for Pete's sake, cut yourself some slack!  Your inability to do the things you want to is your body and brain telling you that it is literally incapable of doing that right now -- it's like you're trying to run on a broken leg before the bone has completely healed.  So stop doing that!  Give your body and brain the time and love and kindness they need to heal -- even if it's longer than you think it "should" be. ("Should" is a terrible word, btw.  Cut it from your vocabulary right now)

Truly, thank you so much. "You are the only you you have." This is what I've been feeling--that I have to live in this body, including this brain, for the rest of my life. It's the most important thing I have and I can't do it any more harm. It's so helpful to have someone else articulate this for me.

I also feel like my brain is slower to heal at this age just as my body is, and for the first time feel like I might actually crack. It feels precarious. More precarious mentally than quitting would be financially.

[Tasse]

You are not in a precarious financial situation. Your worst-case scenarios play out over decades, giving you plenty of time to adjust course AFTER taking a break and healing. Don't prioritize securing that already-ridiculously-secure position over your mental health.

[Dee18]

My sister and her husband moved to France.  They have now lived there 6 years.  They still return to the states for serious medical care.  One of the key reasons is that although my BIL is conversationally fluent in French, they have found dealing with medical issues in French unsatisfactory. According to my sister she also could not get as much cancer screening, like mammograms and colonoscopies, as she believes is necessary given our family's medical history.  Accordingly they pay for Medicare, although they do see French physicians for emergencies and minor care.

[cannotWAIT]

Update:

I'm now on leave for an additional three months due to another medical problem, so that will give me some breathing room, although the medical situation is a nightmare. But they've been truly wonderful at work. It makes me reconsider quitting, honestly, because they have been so genuinely kind to me.

Also I talked to my disability lawyer friend and have a good idea now of what that process would look like.

Still hanging by a thread but at least I don't have to make any decisions about work, and am staying on the good health insurance for now.

[BECABECA]

Very sorry to hear about the new nightmare medical situation but I’m impressed that you were still able to  notice and appreciate the silver linings of another 3 months of leave and good health insurance in spite of it! And glad to hear that the people at your company are being kind and supportive. Hang in there, you’ve already made it this far, you can do this!

[Jaybo]

I'm on short-term disability right now but it will run out soon. I don't believe I would qualify for long-term disability. I haven't inquired about an unpaid leave of absence but my role is unique and essential so someone would have to do it and once they know how, there would be no reason to bring me back. I don't want to work PT--honestly, the job is often PT as it is. It's more the mental burden.

The house is suitable for aging in place (other than the needed upkeep) and I've lived here for so long that I don't want to uproot myself from my social network. If I did, it would be to move to France, which would take care of the health insurance issue at least and be somewhat more affordable. This is definitely something I'm considering but I'm not sure it's the wisest course for someone who's already been through a lot.

I know it's frustrating when the person asking for advice rejects it! I appreciate the suggestions.

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this; both your dog and you will be in my prayers (if you’re not a religious person, I mean no offense).

I wouldn’t count out long-term disability. A friend worked at a hospital cleaning the operating rooms after procedures.  He saw some things that ended up causing PTSD. He was able to go on short-term disability and then long-term disability due to it so you never know.

[Sapphire]

So sorry you are dealing with this and PTSD is real.