It feels like I don't have to do these but I am not really sure about that. Ideally I want to stop working now. Have my elder child choose a low cost college option that's decent enough (versus going for the best college without considering costs). Have my younger one move to a LCOL with us and study there (either now or in two years).
If I retire now, I want to move from this expensive 6k apartment to something cheaper like in 3.5k. Stay put in current place for 2 years, then once my elder child goes to college, move to LCOL. All these three actions will result in resistance from family. My wife panics at my idea of retiring and she will also not like us moving to a 3.5k apartment. My elder child will resist the college part hard. Same with my younger child.
Also my work is kind of not stressful now so I can probably continue versus making everyone else suffer.
Your first sentence actually says it all.
You do not have to do all of this. Period, end of story.
Now, of course, there are consequences to that kind of decision. You may be willing to keep working to avoid those consequences. But you see what I mean about how words matter? Saying "I have to keep doing this, or I'll destroy their lives" is a completely different thing than saying "This isn't great, but it's the best compromise for now."
I have to admit, I do have a fairly knee-jerk reaction to family members insisting that another member continue to do XYZ when they're not the ones dealing with the daily hardships. That said, you also need to remember that they are just doing what you have taught them to do. You and your wife agreed to embark on this path however many years ago, and so of course she expects that path to continue; your kids have been raised with the expectation that they can go to any college they want regardless of costs, so of course they will be upset if now you put conditions on it.
But a relationship -- a family -- works only so long as it meets the needs of
all of its members. And if your chosen path no longer works for you -- if the daily struggle and time and pressure is wearing you down -- then you have every right to make a change. And your wife needs to support you in that. I mean, your kids are kids, they're going to whine about anything and everything, whether it's legitimate or not, and your only job there is to help them to handle any disappointment. But your wife is supposed to be a partner who is working together with you toward your joint goal. And if that original goal no longer fits who you are today, then the two of you need to work together to figure out a new goal and a new plan that works for everyone.
Note the "together" part of this. This is not something you simply proclaim and execute and expect everyone to be happy about or deal with. It is also not something that happens quickly, because people need time to process those kinds of big changes and think through how various options will work. But what that means is that it is time to start having those conversations with your wife -- preferably
not on a Friday night when you're both exhausted from the week. Find a mellow afternoon/evening, send the kids to do something else, crack open a bottle of wine, and start talking.
And that "talking" needs to be about feelings, not just money. She needs to understand the effect of your current plan on you, how worn down you're feeling, how unsatisfying the lifestyle has become, how you want more time with her and the kids and less external stress (it's not just about escaping XYZ; it is also about having more time/energy for
them, because they are so important to you). And you need to hear her fears, too, without judgment or trying to jump in and solve the problem. Because I guarantee it's not about "I want to be able to go shopping whenever I want" -- it's what that ability
means to her.*
Once you have opened the lines of communications about goals and desires and fears, then you can start discussing options. At first, this really needs to be brainstorming -- you need to throw out completely crazy ideas just to remind yourself that there are all of these other lives you can live and things you can do if you want to. Sell up, move to Tibet, take up yak-herding? That's doable. What are the crazy dreams each of you had as kids that you've given up to get where you are now? What is
she missing in her life, and what would it take to give her more of that?
Of course, every wild idea comes with major tradeoffs. The real goal of all of this is to figure out what priorities are most important to the two of you, and what tradeoffs you are and are not willing to accept to achieve them. Come up with a tentative compromise -- say, stay put for 2 years until oldest graduates, then move to another area. Once you come up with the tentative idea, live with that idea a little bit. Start looking at other areas of the country you might like to live in. Look at real estate, schools, churches, activities -- whatever the things are that matter to you. Maybe take a vacation to some of the top spots. Meanwhile, you can be thinking about what you want to do once you walk away from the big job -- do you want to retire fully? Get another job, and if so, what? Volunteer in a particular area? Again, this is something you research to start to build up a vision of what your realistic possibilities are in whatever location you end up choosing -- because that also helps determine whether that location is the right one.
When you get to the point where you have a fairly good idea of the outlines of a plan, start talking to your kids about it. They have the right to know if you are going to make changes that affect their future options and plans. It's a little late to do a complete about-face with the older (you can if you have to, but yanking the rug out from under a kid's feet right when they're going to need to start making that decision is a dick move that will leave a lot of hard feelings), but with two years left, you can help direct the search to more cost-effective options -- e.g., research some of the lower-tier schools that may offer good scholarships, look for public institutions that are not quite as popular but have good programs in your kid's area of interest. And you have all the time in the world for the youngest to adapt to whatever changes you make. Yes, even if that is moving while they're still in school. I personally wouldn't yank my kid out of HS if they love it unless I had to, but there's nothing at all wrong with moving, say, between MS and HS -- there's still plenty of time to make friends and get involved in things.
In all of this, have a lot of patience and reasonable expectations. No one is going to be happy to find out that you want to change their world. But you deserve to be happy too. And if you can hear their fears, be empathetic to what the changes will demand from them, and be willing to work with them to find some solution that is a compromise for everyone, you guys can get through this as a family and even wind up stronger in the end.
*Example: I grew up poor. When I got a good job and could afford to go to the grocery store and not stick to a strict list, I was truly joyful -- it was such a powerful moment, to be standing in the aisle and realize I could buy natural peanut butter if I wanted to that I remember it clearly over thirty years later. So for me, knowing that I had enough "extra" in my savings so I'd never have to be that rigid on my groceries ever again was a very important thing, because it makes me feel both safe and successful. See what I mean? It's not about the peanut butter.
