Life has lots of moving parts and hard to know what to do for the best sometimes

[falling leaves]

Me; 62 male living in the  HCOL city on the West Coast of Canada for the last 30 years, originally from Europe. Single for far too long, was married ridiculously young  to daughters mother, daughters mother died tragically aged 27 after we broke up and she died in a MVA. Have one daughter aged 41 and two grand-kids in their teens. Daughter and grand-kids live way over on the East Coast after my daughter moved there about 8 years ago. Me and my daughter have a close but not always easy relationship, we have both expressed a desire to live closer to each other, but how that would work out long-term is an open question and would be me moving east. I have no other family in Canada and most of my family in Europe have passed away, often young and tragically except for 2 sisters, and me and the sisters back in Europe aren't all that close.
I live in a house I bought 16 years ago (I still have a mortgage) and rent out the legal basement suite and also rent out 3 rooms upstairs to international students. The house is legally an 8 bedroom detached house in an area undergoing a city rezoning plan, the plan will be finalised in May next year (2025) at which time there will likely be an increase in the land values in the area, some 33x120 lots are now asking 3 to 4 million with zoning for 20 to 40 story buildings. What will happen at my own house in May 2025 depends on the city final plan and also the neighbours, but there will be options, it just depends on how much of an increase and which option.. an extra 500k? or an extra million.. or 2!
So there are other people in the house, but they are renting and in their 20's etc.. I pretty much live on my own which I find to be lonely and boring. I also find the area to be quite boring too, there are no '3rd places' like a pub, decent coffee shops, book shops, hip places... really nothing, so I come home and there's nothing in the immediate area to do and it's been that way for ages. I bought my house off someone I know, which is why it's the house it is, it was the one I could buy and the area wouldn't have been my pick.
I work for myself doing renovations and handyman work. I enjoy doing it for the most part and maybe even too much, as when the weekend comes around and I'm always tired and sit around recovering from the physical work. This doesn't help with my boredom and never ending single status.
So the good news is that I have around 1.1 million Canadian dollars in equity, a very likely future upside from the rezoning and great rental income from the suite and the students. I charge anywhere from 70 to 150 an hour at my business and I'm as busy as I want to be. Fortunately I still have good health. I don't have any other investments other than the house, to be honest I have no idea about other investments like stocks and shares etc.. though I'm happy to learn.
My money is in my house + the 5500 a month I get in rents and about 120k in savings that currently earns no interest. Not all that sophisticated I know, but it's regular rent and a nice comfortable place to live and run my renovation business out of. And I live in this HCOL city for no cost for living accommodations or utility expenses + money left over which. (depending on how you look at it)
So due to the rents I get and my small business that pays well, I can in theory work a lot less, maybe only a day or two a week. It's not exactly FIRE but it is a kind of steady away and regular income stream.

Now my problems are here;
1. I miss seeing my daughter and grand-kids and I'd like to live at most an hour or two drive away from them instead of a 4 or 5 hour flight. Or at least be free from having to be here at my house and be able to spend a month or two a year closer to them. I feel like life is passing and I'm missing out on their lives.
2. Even though I could only work a day or two a week, will I do that? With no boss to set a schedule it's hard to say no to good paying jobs that roll in.
3. I haven't been in a relationship for ages. Part of me is OK with that, also I see myself being closer in proximity to my daughter and g'kds and if I get into a relationship here it could be a big issue. But then again...
4. my house is like a great money making machine.. but unfortunately when daughter moved to East Coast it became a bit of an albatross around my neck too as I've been stuck here. Also before I bought it I was into travelling, once I bought it, the travelling slowed right down.

I could in theory work less, travel more, spend some more time near the kids, go outside my immediate house area and do fun and exciting things. But, I'd HAVE to work less of the tiring physical end of my jobs and I'm not sure if I can trust myself to say no to them. Like I could in theory look for flight deals to the east coast and see the kids, but when work and the obstacles of flying and airports etc.. have to be overcome, I just end up doing what I've been doing for years now, which is work, come home, nap, surf internet, drink 2 beers and fall asleep, weekend comes and tired from the week so sit at home and recover, then repeat...

In a way it's like I have to overcome my personality and become this person who works less, has the enthusiasm to fly and go places and do things, and then I would meet these needs.. but I can't seem to muster that one that easily nowadays. I suspect that if I didn't have my house, let's say I sold it next year for a fortune, then without the responsibility of this house and my business, then I'd pick up some speed and momentum for other things like travel and maybe even get a camper van and drive it around the east coast and see the kids enough to feel OK and not too much (hopefully) to create some kind of tensions that lead to bad feelings.

I have a friend who is a couple of years older than me and in a similar situation. He sold his house at the height of the market a couple of years ago, bought a nice and much cheaper house in a LCOL area, invested the rest in the stock market? through advice from his bank and him and his wife seem to be doing quite well, travelling here and there, riding their motorcycle and doing what they want to do (he went back to work part time, flexible schedule) but, as someone who knows nothing about the stock market, it crashed right after he put his money in there! He was ready to pull it all out and the bank manager convinced him to leave it in. Now I get messages all the time telling me how well it's doing. Those early days forgotten about.

Question: what would you guys do? Partly it's money, partly a lifestyle things, partly a lazy fat phuk that I turned into ;)

[JAYSLOL]

Hi! I’m also in BC, though in the interior. I also work a blue-collar job, and can relate to sitting around on the weekends from being pretty physically drained after a hard week.

As far as the money goes, if it were me, I’d  stay in the house until that re-zoning happens and then downsize and rent or buy a smaller place in an area that lends itself to your other goals of either getting out of the house more or being close to family. I would also start investing, personally I am mostly using Questrade to buy low cost index funds, but when I started out I opened a free account at Tangerine and opened a TFSA and RRSP and bought their funds.  Don’t buy anything you don’t understand, and stay away from financial advisors that take a cut or buying high fee mutual funds through the brick and mortar banks.  It’s a good idea
To dip your toes in now so you are more comfortable when you do end up selling your place and have possibly a 7-figure sum to invest. Along with that, I would at least get 6 months worth of expenses into a high yield account rather than earning nothing. 

As far as learning to adopt a more fulfilling lifestyle by getting out more, being more social and pouring less of of your energy into work, it can be a hard transition, but if you do end up moving, picking a town where you can walk to nice places, where neighbours are more friendly might help.  Other things like forcing yourself out of old routines by doing some volunteer work or trying a new hobby might also help. Also, just buy the damn plane ticket to visit family, it’ll force you to take a break.  Saying no to a good paying job doesn’t mean you have to cold-turkey quit working forever, just say no a little more often to start with, and work on that muscle over time. 

[Green_Tea]

Welcome to the forum.

I see one big red flag: Do you drink 2 beers every day or nearly? Then you have a drinking problem. Putting an end to this will have positive effects all around.
With that level of regularity it might mean you cannot drink any alcohol again.
You might want to see someone to accompany you quitting and your doctor about the state of your liver. Fatty liver (steatosis) is the stage before cirrhosis and it's reversible with no alcohol, sports and nutrition. Cirrhosis is not.

I think your options then are actually looking pretty good. A part of why you're feeling how you are describing you are feeling is quite possible related to the drinking.

PS: We have a quit drinking for as long as you like or something like that thread on the forum.

[daverobev]

If you've been in Canada for decades you'll have a full TFSA allowance. It's a full tax shelter for 'after tax' money (an RRSP is for 'before tax' - ie you'll pay tax on withdrawal).

Assuming you've been declaring properly, you'll have a reasonable Canada Pension Plan pension available to you as well as Old Age Security. You can check all these things with your CRA account online - get a pension forecast, confirm TFSA room, etc.

Depending on where you are in BC exactly and how much you love or hate the cold would dictate how much I would want to move east. I couldn't hack the (near) Ottawa winters after a few years (one reason I'm now in France...).

Sounds like you need a hobby?

I think first thing is to do a real stock take. You're 62, so close to 'normal' OAS/CPP age - get a handle on how much that will be. You don't get those years back, and if you want to travel it will likely be more free at your age than 68, 73, 80... The whole point of this FIRE thing is not to work more than you have and want to. Sounds like your body is telling you it's close to done with this hard stuff.

Note that in a TFSA you can still get things like GICs. A GIC ladder might be a smart thing if you're not into stock market stuff.

You need to work out what the house price differential is going to be between where you are now and where you'd be out east. Say you buy a new place over there in cash - do you have $500k left? From that you can take $20k a year no problem - if you add (for example) $15k of CPP and $5k of OAS, is that income enough for you..?

[Sanitary Stache]

The stock series is a good place to start understanding index fund investment.

https://jlcollinsnh.com/stock-series/

I think opening an account and buying some total stock market shares is a good idea like others have said.

If you want some books to help you fall asleep in place of those beers you can try JackBogle Common Sense on Mutual Funds and “A Random Walk Down Wall Street” by Burton Malkiel. They will both also convince you that index fund investing makes sense.

[mistymoney]

you definitely need to get money invested.

will you have canadian version of social security?

[falling leaves]

Hi! I’m also in BC, though in the interior. I also work a blue-collar job, and can relate to sitting around on the weekends from being pretty physically drained after a hard week.

As far as the money goes, if it were me, I’d  stay in the house until that re-zoning happens and then downsize and rent or buy a smaller place in an area that lends itself to your other goals of either getting out of the house more or being close to family. I would also start investing, personally I am mostly using Questrade to buy low cost index funds, but when I started out I opened a free account at Tangerine and opened a TFSA and RRSP and bought their funds.  Don’t buy anything you don’t understand, and stay away from financial advisors that take a cut or buying high fee mutual funds through the brick and mortar banks.  It’s a good idea
To dip your toes in now so you are more comfortable when you do end up selling your place and have possibly a 7-figure sum to invest. Along with that, I would at least get 6 months worth of expenses into a high yield account rather than earning nothing. 

As far as learning to adopt a more fulfilling lifestyle by getting out more, being more social and pouring less of of your energy into work, it can be a hard transition, but if you do end up moving, picking a town where you can walk to nice places, where neighbours are more friendly might help.  Other things like forcing yourself out of old routines by doing some volunteer work or trying a new hobby might also help. Also, just buy the damn plane ticket to visit family, it’ll force you to take a break.  Saying no to a good paying job doesn’t mean you have to cold-turkey quit working forever, just say no a little more often to start with, and work on that muscle over time.

Thanks for your reply and that you can relate to recovering on the weekends from a blue collar job is good to hear. I've started to think of doing that kind of work as being paid once but actually working twice... once when I'm doing the job and again when I'm recovering from the effort. Nowadays I have some good regular gigs for a large commercial management company that don't involve a lot of physical work, I'm going to focus on those.

I'll stay in the house until the re-zoning happens. There's also other options that might be OK too, one is the new multiplex options where you can build 4 units on 1 lot. Either way I'm very fortunate to own this house and I'm so glad I kept hold of it as long as I have. In the future when I sell it, depending on how much I get, I'll spend more time in Ontario and winter somewhere that is sunny.  Although realistically if I made the effort I could do that now. In fact I think I should make an effort to get that kind of thing going now! As sometimes the land assembly thing can drag out, maybe seem like it's going to happen and then a neighbour changes their mind and it's back to square one. This has already happened in the past, it's been 6 years since the idea of land assembly first kicked in and it now has a lot more steam behind it, but.. you never know.. and as such I think I need to create a life that's happening right now! and not be sitting around waiting as I've done. That's also why the multiplex option is appealing, because if your next door neighbour decides they don't want to join a land assembly, then you can build something on your own.

Thanks for the heads up on Questrade, I'll look into that and figure things out. And yes to getting out and changing up my routine and also getting the ticket and going!

Thanks again!

[SunnyDays]

Before you make any irreversible changes, why not rent a small place near your daughter for 6 months or so (over the winter would be a good trial for whether you want to endure east coast winters permanently)?  Then you can test drive the area, the housing market and even the logistics of living near your family.  Perhaps your daughter and grandchildren are very busy with their own lives and you won't see them much anyway.  Perhaps you'll be just as directionless without a job in the new location.

You aren't necessarily tied to the west coast just because you own a house there.  You could put your stuff in storage and rent out your current space, hiring a property manager to collect rent and deal with repairs,etc.  You have options, but you need to get over your inertia.

[falling leaves]

Welcome to the forum.

I see one big red flag: Do you drink 2 beers every day or nearly? Then you have a drinking problem. Putting an end to this will have positive effects all around.
With that level of regularity it might mean you cannot drink any alcohol again.
You might want to see someone to accompany you quitting and your doctor about the state of your liver. Fatty liver (steatosis) is the stage before cirrhosis and it's reversible with no alcohol, sports and nutrition. Cirrhosis is not.

I think your options then are actually looking pretty good. A part of why you're feeling how you are describing you are feeling is quite possible related to the drinking.

PS: We have a quit drinking for as long as you like or something like that thread on the forum.

Hi Green Tea, thanks so much!  The drinking is not the best thing that's for sure. I think I've just got to break up my routine and do something different where the '2 drinks' are not the highlight of my day.   I had my liver checked out for fatty liver and it came back OK. I bought a Garmin watch and according to that the alcohol does affect my sleep, which is not good.

[falling leaves]

Before you make any irreversible changes, why not rent a small place near your daughter for 6 months or so (over the winter would be a good trial for whether you want to endure east coast winters permanently)?  Then you can test drive the area, the housing market and even the logistics of living near your family.  Perhaps your daughter and grandchildren are very busy with their own lives and you won't see them much anyway.  Perhaps you'll be just as directionless without a job in the new location.

You aren't necessarily tied to the west coast just because you own a house there.  You could put your stuff in storage and rent out your current space, hiring a property manager to collect rent and deal with repairs,etc.  You have options, but you need to get over your inertia.

Hi and yes, thanks some great and realistic points. I've definitely mulled over my daughter's invitation to come and 'live closer', as when we lived close to each other here on the west coast it certainly wasn't plain sailing. And I would be the one that gives up a lot to move East. I thought about just buying a cheap hatchback car or a van and have it over there, then just go and take my tent in summer and explore the area and countryside, make it an adventure that doesn't just hinge around how well things go around me and my daughter. Or maybe even house swap? And also my grand-kids are at an age where they are doing their own thing, and who wants to hang out with granddad all the time when you're that age.
I think that's where my mind was going when I titled my post life has lots of moving parts. I'm just aware that time is passing and it's not a good idea to hang on until some time when everything aligns and then it'll be alright! No... it's more of a moving target and I have to sort of embrace that, and go with that! Otherwise, I think time will just pass and opportunity windows will have passed by.. and then resentment and regrets?
I could do the property management option, it's something I've looked into, but I don't think it's really the way to go at this point in time. But it is an option in the future that I'll circle back on once I know what the city re-zoning plan is in May 2025. Partly why I looked into it and decided not to is, as you mentioned, maybe you give everything up, move to the East Coast and end up feeling a bit lost, one thing I really do have going for me here is my business is great! I have great customers who are appreciative and they are often like friends. I think what has brought on a lot of what I'm feeling it that both my parents have passed on and my other other family lives in Europe and daughter and g'kids in Ontario. I work for myself, just a one man show, so I don't have coworkers to share my day with. I live in area that's probably now 95% immigrants from China and HK, most around my age don't speak English and I can't speak Cantonese or Mandarin much, so even though they are often friendly, we just communicate through hand gestures and smiles, occasionally share something we've grown in the garden. I was thinking about my situation and I thought well.. there's nothing in the neighbourhood, no family in town, no co workers, perpetually single, my good friend and his wife moved about a 4 hour drive away and my business picked up speed which has enriched the coffers but left me tired and not going out.
Another think that I think has got me a bit down is that my oldest granddaughter was here living with me from December last year up until a few weeks ago. Her and her mom were going through things that often happen around that age, so she came to stay here. I really enjoyed having her stay, and now she's gone back I'm like blah what am I doing with my life here, alone and sat on a winning lottery ticket house etc.

[falling leaves]

you definitely need to get money invested.

will you have canadian version of social security?

Thanks and yes, I can see I need to get investments figured out. I'll have some social security but not much.

[WorkingToUnwind]

Have you tried any dating apps?

And second trying to reduce the drinking.

[falling leaves]

Have you tried any dating apps?

And second trying to reduce the drinking.

I have tried dating apps, more dabbled that really gave it a good go. Did you try the apps and how was your experience?

[Rockies]

Here's what I would do:

Short term:
1. Try to taper off and stop the beer. I know only 2 drinks" doesnt sound like much, but at least for me once I hit 35 two drinks actually zonked me and made me feel like garbage. Maybe save the beer for special occasions like social gatherings or get togethers.   Once I quit regular use (I still will have a few beers once every month or two) I felt a lot better and more energetic. Plus think of all the money saved.
2. Try to do a little more excercize. Nothing crazy, but something a few times a week. This will give you more energy, and make you feel more confident when trying to date.

Above are the small things, below are the big things.

3. I'd just sell your house. No need to wait forever. Sell it now and move nearer to your daughter. Life is short, time with family is valuable. Could you buy a suitable home out East for 300-400k? Perhaps even something with a basement suite you could rent?
4. Take all the rest of the money you have from the home and savings and invest it in a low fee index fund (or 60/40 or 80/20 mutual fund if being 100% in stocks scares you). You'd have about 800K after purchasing the house out East. This will give you a reliable income of about $40,000 annually from investments, perhaps slowly drawing down (this is based on a 5% annual withdrawal rate).
5. Meet with a fee only financial planner (NOT an investment advisor). They will help create a plan for income for the rest of your life, and make sure you are confident that you have the right amount of money invested. They can also help you understand how CPP and OAS factor in. 
6. Work part time and enjoy life. You might not even need to work part time. I am sure there will be less and lower paying work out east, but it will be enjoyable.

Final tip is to move to a small town if you can when you go out East, and move into a house somewhere that is close to the downtown of the small town. Get involved in non-profits and community organizations. Offer whatever skills you have (for example, if a local church or homeless shelter needs a handyman, offer your services and attend the board meetings). Soon you will have a bustling and rewarding social life and people all around town that you casually know and run into daily. Life will be good!


And also, if you just cant bring yourself to sell your house out West, an alternative option is to keep it and hire a property manager, and then buy a cheap house or rent out east. Could the income on the current house subsidize all your expenses out East?

[Rockies]

I wanted to suggest a few financial planning youtube channels that demystify retirement, and show that often people are over-saving. This is why I say I think you can just be done with work and stop worrying. I recommend watching both these channels. It gives you an idea for what a good financial planner can do for you and how they can help put together a solid plan based on your situation:

Here is a video showing retirement plans in Canada with $500,000, $750,000, $1,000,000


[url=https://www.youtube.com/@ParallelWealth]https://www.youtube.com/@ParallelWealth

[falling leaves]

I wanted to suggest a few financial planning youtube channels that demystify retirement, and show that often people are over-saving. This is why I say I think you can just be done with work and stop worrying. I recommend watching both these channels. It gives you an idea for what a good financial planner can do for you and how they can help put together a solid plan based on your situation:

Here is a video showing retirement plans in Canada with $500,000, $750,000, $1,000,000


[url=https://www.youtube.com/@ParallelWealth]https://www.youtube.com/@ParallelWealth

Thanks Rockies for your posts. I'll take a look at the channels for sure and I was wondering about over saving too, you know versus what time do I have left on the planet and just missing out on seeing kids before they become fully fledged adults with their own lives that may even be in even further away places.  Today a realtor I'd spoken with a while ago called me and asked me what my plan is and if he can help in any way. We talked about holding off until May 2025 and then soon after that we figure out how it will all go down and get this house sold and move on. In the meantime I have some savings and I'll do some enjoyable things between now and May next year, maybe I'll be meeting the kids in Florida this winter.
I used to live in a smallish town in England and lately I've been thinking about my life and the differences between living here in the city and there in the smaller town. Here in the city I'm just an anonymous person, I can walk around my neighbourhood and the entire city for a week and never see anyone I know. I was saying to my friend a while back that you could go outside of my house with a hundred dollar bill and try to give it to anyone who knows my first name, and except for my next door neighbours, maybe perhaps the neighbours directly next to them you couldn't find anyone who could tell you my name. And that's after living here for 16 years. I could confidently give you $10,000 to give to anyone at all who knows my daughter or grand kids names and you'd have no chance.  I'm going to watch the videos now, thanks for sending them.

[Rockies]

Sorry I messed up the link, here is the other one I suggest you watch (he has many other videos besides this one, but its another good case study): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgjSVndme9c

[Rockies]

I used to live in a smallish town in England and lately I've been thinking about my life and the differences between living here in the city and there in the smaller town. Here in the city I'm just an anonymous person, I can walk around my neighbourhood and the entire city for a week and never see anyone I know. I was saying to my friend a while back that you could go outside of my house with a hundred dollar bill and try to give it to anyone who knows my first name, and except for my next door neighbours, maybe perhaps the neighbours directly next to them you couldn't find anyone who could tell you my name. And that's after living here for 16 years. I could confidently give you $10,000 to give to anyone at all who knows my daughter or grand kids names and you'd have no chance.  I'm going to watch the videos now, thanks for sending them.

I live in a small town in Canada and I can't go out in public without at least saying hello to someone I know. I'm involved in various community organizations, and feel like the community needs more of me than I actually have time to provide as I am wanted/needed by groups who need volunteers that can get things done with the particular skills I have. This really makes you feel like you have a place in the world, and its a good feeling. 

But I do have to say that for the first 3-4 years I lived here I was lonely. It took active, purposeful effort on my side to cultivate friendships and get involved. These things never magically happen, and if you arnt purposefully trying to cultivate it it also might not come. So that's why I say small town is great, but you have to stick your neck out and get involved, which takes some work and effort.

I found that I too got stuck and felt unable to change for a long time, and pretty much felt like I had to accept my circumstances (feeling bored, not prosperous, lonely, with no community involvement). But then small efforts to move momentum forward are all you need to take bigger steps. This is why I recommended to you to cut down on the drinking and do more excercize. It will make you realize that you are capable of changing the small things, and then slowly larger life changes for the better will happen. Its sometimes very easy for us humans to settle for what is comfortable for us, even though its not always the best place we should be for living an optimal life.

[Dicey]

I started volunteering at the library as a way of supporting my book habit. It changed my life. There is not a single Library Friends Group that isn't in need of people who can lift and move books. The ratio of women to men is outrageous. Call the closest library, see if they have a Friends Group or some other fundraising option, and raise your hand. You won't regret it.

We have rentals in a large Senior community in Palm Springs/Palm Desert. The COLA is reasonably affordable and the demand for Handyman Services is neverending. A lot of Canadians snowbird there, as it's a warm and welcoming community. You can ping me for more details.

Sixty-two is too young to give up on having a healthy, happy life.

[falling leaves]

If you've been in Canada for decades you'll have a full TFSA allowance. It's a full tax shelter for 'after tax' money (an RRSP is for 'before tax' - ie you'll pay tax on withdrawal).

Assuming you've been declaring properly, you'll have a reasonable Canada Pension Plan pension available to you as well as Old Age Security. You can check all these things with your CRA account online - get a pension forecast, confirm TFSA room, etc.

Depending on where you are in BC exactly and how much you love or hate the cold would dictate how much I would want to move east. I couldn't hack the (near) Ottawa winters after a few years (one reason I'm now in France...).

Sounds like you need a hobby?

I think first thing is to do a real stock take. You're 62, so close to 'normal' OAS/CPP age - get a handle on how much that will be. You don't get those years back, and if you want to travel it will likely be more free at your age than 68, 73, 80... The whole point of this FIRE thing is not to work more than you have and want to. Sounds like your body is telling you it's close to done with this hard stuff.

Note that in a TFSA you can still get things like GICs. A GIC ladder might be a smart thing if you're not into stock market stuff.

You need to work out what the house price differential is going to be between where you are now and where you'd be out east. Say you buy a new place over there in cash - do you have $500k left? From that you can take $20k a year no problem - if you add (for example) $15k of CPP and $5k of OAS, is that income enough for you..?

Thanks for your reply. I have some hobbies but work took me away from them. I'm going to work less and get back into them, also work less of the hard physical jobs and next spring I'll know where I'm at with my house and the city plan. Thanks for your advice and I'm also getting on top of the financial planning.

[WorkingToUnwind]

Have you tried any dating apps?

And second trying to reduce the drinking.

I have tried dating apps, more dabbled that really gave it a good go. Did you try the apps and how was your experience?

I haven't personally, but probably half of my married friends found their significant other on a dating app. eHarmony seems to be a popular one.

[Metalcat]

K, so I can definitely speak to working a labour-intensive job that crushes your capacity to really thrive outside of work. I used to only work 3 days a week, but my work was so physically brutal that I needed an entire recovery day after each shift, so yeah, it felt like working 6 days in the end when I no longer had the physical bandwidth for it.

It was REALLY hard to fully live my life, but I LOVED my work and had a great business with an amazing reputation. I would have had a hard time leaving by choice, but I was forced out by illness and injuries.

So yeah, I get it, 1000%.

But I can also speak to what it's like on the other side, and as someone who moved east after retiring.

You don't actually know who you are as a whole person when you work a job like that. You know yourself thoroughly as a professional, which is exactly why you don't trust your professional self to work less. But you haven't spent any real time with your whole self in a very long time, if ever.

The person you are beyond your professional self is quite possibly a very different person. A lot of who I am and what I care about surprised me when I finally spent time getting to know who I am outside of my profession.

That's how I ended up moving east. Unlike you, I had zero reason to move east, I didn't know anyone here, I had never even traveled here. I just had it in my head that I would enjoy it more here, so I thought "fuck it" and tried it on for size. I bought a house that would make an ideal vacation rental, but deep down I knew I wanted to try living out here because I was feeling stagnant where I was, and WTF, my whole self wanted to live out east for some insane reason.

I still have my house in the city. Unlike you, my house was dirt cheap and isn't worth a ton, so I can keep it mostly empty while I galavant out east figuring out what I want to do when I grow up. Lol.

My situation is meaningfully different from yours and I'm in no way implying that I know what you should do. In fact, I'm kind of saying that you don't even necessarily know what you should do.

My point is to be very open minded that you may have to do some experimentation to even learn who you are outside of work and what you actually need to be happy.

The best advice I can give you is to pay close attention to what isn't working, and do less of that while pushing yourself to try out things that just might work.

I had no real reason to think that living in a remote fishing village in Newfoundland would truly make me happy and lead to making tons of wonderful friends and having a more active life than I've ever had. I had literally never even been to Newfoundland, but I knew I didn't want the life I was living and, well, it just felt like a good idea at the time.

I hear you on all the moving parts and it feels like you need to "solve for x" and figure out what specific combination will make your life the way you want it to be, but as long as you are living primarily in your professional identity, you can't even really access the parts of yourself that need more.

It's a bit of a chicken and egg issue. You need more space from your work to get to know yourself and what you need better, but without knowing what to move towards, it's hard to get space from work and the life that isn't quite working for you.

So I come back to my main advice. Pay close attention to what's not working and just do something to move away from that and in a new direction. You can course-correct along the way.

FTR, this wasn't my first radical "hey, I think I'm going to buy a property and move there" plan, this is the plan that came along after the last one didn't work out the way I expected it to, which pushed me to think even more outside the box about my options.

Hilariously, this village where I live is lousy with folks who impulse bought houses here, there are 3 of us on my little road, which only has 6 houses on it. Even the listing agent on my house had also impulse bought a house and moved here. It's a thing apparently, I'm not even remotely original.

Moving east worked out for me, but it very easily could not have, and that would be fine because I made careful financial decisions that worked for me either way, and you can too. You have every option under the sun. It sounds like you're still quite able-bodied, you have plenty of wealth, and you sound like a pretty likable person.

So what is actually stopping you from moving towards a happier life?? Seriously? What gun is being held to your head preventing you from saying "Fuck it, let's try something different."

You don't need to figure out what will be best for you, in fact, I'm presupposing that you kind of can't, which is why you feel so stuck. You intuitively know that you can't really solve this puzzle. But you're not meant to, you're meant to explore, and try things, and discover what you need to feel happy and fulfilled.

The only thing you need to figure out is what risks you want to hedge and how to hedge them reasonably. Then just go off and try shit and see what fits and what doesn't.

You never know, and you never will until you give your mind and body space to figure it out.

[falling leaves]

So what is actually stopping you from moving towards a happier life?? Seriously? What gun is being held to your head preventing you from saying "Fuck it, let's try something different."

Hi Metalcat, thanks for your reply. I was reading some of your posts before I joined the forum and I was thinking the Metalcat speaks my language!

I want to keep it short otherwise it gets boring. But when I bought my house 16 years ago, I'd been travelling for about 12 of the previous 24 months. England, Germany, France, Thailand, China and a bit before that Japan and Korea. I was on a roll.

Then about 4 months after returning back to Canada my mom passed away in England and I was on quite a bit of downer to put it mildly and I thought I'll try travelling again, and it didn't work out, I was just sad after my mom had died.

So back to Canada, and my accountant offered this house and I ended up buying it. Then I moved the students in, and a couple of weeks later my brother who was the youngest died in England, drugs and maybe he took his own life, we don't know for sure, he had a 6 month old child. It was just a year after my mom had died and everything was tipped upside down. So then I had this giant mortgage, a business plan that was to live with 6 or 7 international students and now I had to pretend that all was OK and like I was happy.

For about the first 4 or 5 years it was giant pain in the butt! I had all these bills to pay, debts to the eyeballs etc... after about 5 years it got quite a bit better, and then the last 8 years it's been mostly good, and it's got better to this point in time where I have almost no hassles with this house and get great rents from the students who are mostly friendly and no bother.  Now it's been 16 years since I first bought it and as you say it becomes your identity almost, and in the beginning I wasn't the kind of guy to take on a big mortgage and all these responsibilities. I was a freewheeling guy who absolutely detested being tied down.

But now I'm older, and by a fair bit. And although I never expected it at the outcome.. I'm fucking rich too ;) at least when I sell this house I will be. But even if I keep it, I have great revenue from the renters.

So, I'm with you on the shake it up plan. I'm ready for it. And I won't be reckless this time. I love some of your ideas and the way you just went with the flow and see what happens, but having a hunch that it would work out, that's much more my style. And also my daughters and my fathers style when he was alive. He lived in a van on an industrial estate in East Berlin and played saxophone semi pro, had a kid at age 58 to a women there had another van in England that he used when there and even an old beater camper in the Okanagen and lived a great life. My daughter's a similar style, my sister in England too.  Locking myself into this house for as long as I have has been such an out of character thing. But I did it, and maybe on a bit of a whim after my mom died and I was down and thinking that I should do something with my life,and then it's now become this house that's become like a winning lottery ticket. So was it good or bad? Depends how you look at it I suppose.

But I'm ready for cashing in my chips and probably next spring/ summer. I was thinking in the mean time to be a little bit less responsible and just go a bit wild this winter and not be so work focused and maybe go somewhere sunny for a bit and maybe look at Toronto in the winter and see what it's really like in winter, as I've only ever been in spring and summer.

But I could also just work less now and live off the rents and just a bit of work when I want to. I could Airbnb my middle floor place out if I went travelling. But I suppose if it's just sold and for a lot of money then that would probably be best, as it'd be like a band aid pulled off in one go, and my hanging onto the house would be over, like my hand would be forced by the high selling price.

As you say, it's this trying to figure out if getting x into place will allow y to happen that becomes a pain in the butt. It's like the saying you can have good/quick/cheap   but you can only pick 2... but I'm trying to pick all 3 and it's messes my head up.

[Malum Prohibitum]

Welcome to the forum.

I see one big red flag: Do you drink 2 beers every day or nearly? Then you have a drinking problem. Putting an end to this will have positive effects all around.
With that level of regularity it might mean you cannot drink any alcohol again.
You might want to see someone to accompany you quitting and your doctor about the state of your liver. Fatty liver (steatosis) is the stage before cirrhosis and it's reversible with no alcohol, sports and nutrition. Cirrhosis is not.

I think your options then are actually looking pretty good. A part of why you're feeling how you are describing you are feeling is quite possible related to the drinking.

PS: We have a quit drinking for as long as you like or something like that thread on the forum.

Two beers a day for a male is not going to damage the liver. 

It might very well for a female.

"The average threshold alcohol intake to produce liver injury is 40 g/day to 60 g /day (3 to 5 drinks) in men but only 20 g/day (<2 drinks) in women with a drink defined as 12 oz (354 mL) of beer . . . "

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3400518/#:~:text=The%20average%20threshold%20alcohol%20intake,alcohol%20(7%2C8).

The threshold is above 14-27 drinks a week in men, but above 7-13 drinks a week for women.

[Metalcat]

Welcome to the forum.

I see one big red flag: Do you drink 2 beers every day or nearly? Then you have a drinking problem. Putting an end to this will have positive effects all around.
With that level of regularity it might mean you cannot drink any alcohol again.
You might want to see someone to accompany you quitting and your doctor about the state of your liver. Fatty liver (steatosis) is the stage before cirrhosis and it's reversible with no alcohol, sports and nutrition. Cirrhosis is not.

I think your options then are actually looking pretty good. A part of why you're feeling how you are describing you are feeling is quite possible related to the drinking.

PS: We have a quit drinking for as long as you like or something like that thread on the forum.

Two beers a day for a male is not going to damage the liver. 

It might very well for a female.

"The average threshold alcohol intake to produce liver injury is 40 g/day to 60 g /day (3 to 5 drinks) in men but only 20 g/day (<2 drinks) in women with a drink defined as 12 oz (354 mL) of beer . . . "

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3400518/#:~:text=The%20average%20threshold%20alcohol%20intake,alcohol%20(7%2C8).

The threshold is above 14-27 drinks a week in men, but above 7-13 drinks a week for women.

Liver damage is only one impact of alcohol.

The current Canadian guidelines are for men to have no more than 2 drinks per week.

[Laura33]

Part of the difficulty/risk here is that any change involves changing multiple aspects of the equation.  You don't just have a house you live in; that house also throws off a massive amount of rental income, which in turn allows you to work as little as you choose.  Meanwhile, you don't have any other investments outside the house, except for that one nice pot of cash that could cover you for the next year or so. 

So you can't just sell, move, and buy a new house; you'd also need to figure out how to replace the income the existing house provides (if you sell and have $1M to invest, you can withdraw about $40K/yr annually, which is good, but doesn't come close to what your rent is currently generating).  You can work more (assuming you can do so from a different location), but really, you want to prioritize not having to do that.  You can keep your current home and rent it out while you move and rent elsewhere, but then you likely need a property manager to manage it for you since you'd be long-distance, and you'd need to pay someone to do repairs/maintenance you do yourself now, so you likely wouldn't net as much. 

In other words, you feel stuck because your biggest investment, your biggest income source, and your biggest expense (not to mention biggest non-work time suck!) are all tied up in the exact same property.

I think what you need to do is sort of tease apart all of these things and assess your options to address each.  What is your highest priority overall?  Is it spending more time near your daughter and grandkids?  If that is the priority, then start from that, and look at all of the ways you can meet that priority.  Do some research into what the various options might involve in terms of income/expenses -- for example, what would a property manager charge, and how much would you be able to rent your current unit for?  What are rental costs near your family, and what kind of unit would you like?  How close would you want to be, and what kind of neighborhood?  Obviously the farther away you're willing to live from city center, the more reasonable housing prices, but then the longer of a commute you'd have to your daughter's.

The good news is that you have time to figure this out.  You've said you wouldn't sell until you see what the development plans do to your property value -- that's great, so spend the time between now and then researching your various options.  And make sure that research includes some temporary options, so you can try things out to see if they work before you sink $1M into another property somewhere else.  I like the idea of renting a place for a month or two out there and then do a short-term rental for your unit while your gone -- how big of a hassle is it to manage the house from a distance, how does the new location affect your work/income, do you actually like living in the east longer-term or would you be happier just spending maybe a month at a time there, etc.? 

I would also try cutting back on work to that 1-2 days you say you can afford, both to free up time and energy to do this research, and to see how you feel not working all the time (per Metalcat's advice).  You have a really great starting point with a lot of available options, so good luck!

[falling leaves]

Welcome to the forum.

I see one big red flag: Do you drink 2 beers every day or nearly? Then you have a drinking problem. Putting an end to this will have positive effects all around.
With that level of regularity it might mean you cannot drink any alcohol again.
You might want to see someone to accompany you quitting and your doctor about the state of your liver. Fatty liver (steatosis) is the stage before cirrhosis and it's reversible with no alcohol, sports and nutrition. Cirrhosis is not.

I think your options then are actually looking pretty good. A part of why you're feeling how you are describing you are feeling is quite possible related to the drinking.

PS: We have a quit drinking for as long as you like or something like that thread on the forum.

Two beers a day for a male is not going to damage the liver. 

It might very well for a female.

"The average threshold alcohol intake to produce liver injury is 40 g/day to 60 g /day (3 to 5 drinks) in men but only 20 g/day (<2 drinks) in women with a drink defined as 12 oz (354 mL) of beer . . . "

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3400518/#:~:text=The%20average%20threshold%20alcohol%20intake,alcohol%20(7%2C8).

The threshold is above 14-27 drinks a week in men, but above 7-13 drinks a week for women.

Liver damage is only one impact of alcohol.

The current Canadian guidelines are for men to have no more than 2 drinks per week.

The old demon alcohol. Unfortunately two of my brothers were hardcore alcoholics and I've done my share of drinking in the past. I drink maybe 1 small beer and maybe a small glass of wine, watch some YouTube videos and fall asleep in about 30 seconds usually, and it really signals the end of the day for me, I drink a beer or two, summarise my day, watch travel videos and remember happy times I've had travelling and the people I met... and then ZZzzz

Last night I just had one small beer. That's a typical night for me. I had all the tests done a few months ago for liver function and they came back within range. I appreciate the concern from people and for sure alcohol can become a problem.

For me it is actually a slight problem, as I sort of have to have those 2 drinks otherwise I get a bit antsy. But I think it's like some people need a coffee in the morning, it's that level for me and I don't think it would become a big problem.

Apart from that I don't even drink caffeine, or tobacco or weed, any of that. I eat pretty healthy and I don't take any medication at all. Maybe antibiotics if I cut at work and it got infected. Hopefully I can keep that going into my older years.

[falling leaves]

Part of the difficulty/risk here is that any change involves changing multiple aspects of the equation.  You don't just have a house you live in; that house also throws off a massive amount of rental income, which in turn allows you to work as little as you choose.  Meanwhile, you don't have any other investments outside the house, except for that one nice pot of cash that could cover you for the next year or so. 

So you can't just sell, move, and buy a new house; you'd also need to figure out how to replace the income the existing house provides (if you sell and have $1M to invest, you can withdraw about $40K/yr annually, which is good, but doesn't come close to what your rent is currently generating).  You can work more (assuming you can do so from a different location), but really, you want to prioritize not having to do that.  You can keep your current home and rent it out while you move and rent elsewhere, but then you likely need a property manager to manage it for you since you'd be long-distance, and you'd need to pay someone to do repairs/maintenance you do yourself now, so you likely wouldn't net as much. 

In other words, you feel stuck because your biggest investment, your biggest income source, and your biggest expense (not to mention biggest non-work time suck!) are all tied up in the exact same property.

I think what you need to do is sort of tease apart all of these things and assess your options to address each.  What is your highest priority overall?  Is it spending more time near your daughter and grandkids?  If that is the priority, then start from that, and look at all of the ways you can meet that priority.  Do some research into what the various options might involve in terms of income/expenses -- for example, what would a property manager charge, and how much would you be able to rent your current unit for?  What are rental costs near your family, and what kind of unit would you like?  How close would you want to be, and what kind of neighborhood?  Obviously the farther away you're willing to live from city center, the more reasonable housing prices, but then the longer of a commute you'd have to your daughter's.

The good news is that you have time to figure this out.  You've said you wouldn't sell until you see what the development plans do to your property value -- that's great, so spend the time between now and then researching your various options.  And make sure that research includes some temporary options, so you can try things out to see if they work before you sink $1M into another property somewhere else.  I like the idea of renting a place for a month or two out there and then do a short-term rental for your unit while your gone -- how big of a hassle is it to manage the house from a distance, how does the new location affect your work/income, do you actually like living in the east longer-term or would you be happier just spending maybe a month at a time there, etc.? 

I would also try cutting back on work to that 1-2 days you say you can afford, both to free up time and energy to do this research, and to see how you feel not working all the time (per Metalcat's advice).  You have a really great starting point with a lot of available options, so good luck!

Hi Laura, thanks for your thoughtful reply. Yes, it has a lot of parts and they are all a bit reliant on other parts.

Another part that has come about this last 2 and a bit years it that a major commercial management company sends me out to inspect empty properties. I go about 14 times a month and I get $350 each time. Plus they have me do physically easy things like, tomorrow I'll install a digital lockbox at a location for another $400.

That kind of work isn't exhausting at all. But... I do have to be in town... like I can't say "ah well, worked hard all the busy season and now I'm off to travel somewhere for 3 months"  But the extra money is great and it's really helped me get a good stash behind me, and that's something I've never really had before. I'd give that one up if I sold my house for a lot, but to give it up now, particularly as it's physically easy work and I'm a bit done with the hard stuff, would be difficult to give that one up.

Another is that here in Vancouver over the last years the rents have doubled. The students come and go, so I put the rent up when they leave to a price that's still a deal for them in comparison but is also great for me.

And one last thing that's a big variable is that living near my daughter would be nice in theory, but in practice it's not always that easy. I think it's fair to say we are close in our relationship. But like many an adult child and their parents it can be challenging at times, and what is the ideal amount of time to spend together before maybe things become really familiar and then some disagreement or something. That's my concern, that I'd give up a lot, move closer and then get told to go take a hike. It's happened in the past and it's done a little bit too casually by my daughter, I don't think it's really considered just what a negative impact it has on me.

But then again, through life circumstances, I've ended up here on my own. Both parents gone, my 3 brothers gone and one sister talks but she's in England, the other one doesn't talk much at all. Daughter and grandkids a big flight away. One good friend moved 4 hour drive away, another got in a relationship and I don't hear off him anymore, couple of other older friends ended up not seeing eye to eye on some things and I don't see them much.

I work on my own, I chat to my customers and that's welcome, but I probably talk their ear off sometimes. Neighbourhood is deadsville and no cafes or anything. Working too much and just come home and no much energy left if work has been hard. Now it's almost November and it's 5 months of dark, rainy times ahead.

So I re visited what my expenses are and how much do I actually need to work nowadays. I could easily just get by doing the inspections I mentioned above. Like I really only need that and maybe a bit of the more demanding stuff now and then. I could even get a guy I know to help with the inspections for a month if I was to go away somewhere.

That's where I need some motivation or something, as I tend to think about it and not do much. Unsure whether that's because I don't really want to go and fly and travel around as much as I think I do, or I just need to light a fire under my a** or something.

Ideally, if I could I'd move my house and business + me and daughter and grandkids all to one area and we'd all get along. I'd also have my parents still around and other family members, also some of my old friendships.. oh and that old girlfriend that use to make me breakfast in bed.. and I'd like to be 20 years younger please.

It would be great if next year some developer buys this house for some wild amount, but it might not happen. But it also might.Even if it doesn't there's still other options to build a fourplex etc.. and even just live as is and collect great rents.

Also, I didn't realize how easy it is to invest in something like S and P 500? I'm just learning about that, so that opens another door too... that I could sell, invest and do whatever.... Live in a camper in Ontario for a while, look around Quebec, drop by and see the kids every couple of weeks, bring the kids along. Spend some time in England, go away in winter.

I think I have to keep going as is, wait until May when the city plan is revealed. Realise that I only have to really do those inspections to earn enough, and importantly I have to live life large now and not wait (mentally) until some future time when I'll magically enjoy life... like live it large now. Get on airplanes, say no to hard work, go out dancing, play music, go do that fantastic hike, check out that meetup, plan a foreign destination holiday with my daughter and grand kids and do it.

I'm doing a job for a guy at the moment and he's part of a sports team and goes to play here there and everywhere + home and his partner just went to Montreal for 3 days for a wedding. Wow I thought, that guy's living a good life. Like I need my life to feel like it's rockin like that. At the moment it's just smoldering a little bit.

[brunetteUK]

Hello!

Pardon me, I haven't read the whole thread yet but I don't want to get distract and not write here.

I want to make a point about your teenagers grandchildren. At that age, they do get busy with their own lives and are not really clinging to their parents and grandparents. That's true. I remember being that age and the adults in my life being... boring secondary characters that were just doing their thing around me.

The point I want to make is that those boring adults were actually VERY important. The were people in my life who were consistenly there, who did not ask anything of me, they existed and interacted with me and were simply there as a buffer between teenager me and the world.

I gave them nothing back, like a good teenager, anyone over 25 was another human species. It would have been easy to think that them being there was completely irrelevant and inconsequencial to me. I was not expressing and showing my love and appreciation for these adults in my life. My grandad and grandma lived 10 minutes from my house, I'd see them often, grandpa drove me places loads of times when my parents couldn't, grandma feed me dinner or put me in front of the tv for a few hours when my parents needed childcare.

But was I grateful and communicative and appreciative of them being there? Of course not, it was just "normal" and I took it for granted. I was polite etc etc I wasn't a brat. Just saying that it could have looked like I was indifferent.

BUT! Now that I'm an adult and I had hindsight I can see how important those interactions were. There were like the strong foundations of a house, providing all this support. Simply having adult tutors that I would see twice a week would give me a sense of being heard, someone else to ask me how was my week, someone else for me to witness how they went about life and have another adult example other than my parents.

It's nice to do good and feel appreciated. It's nice to do something and see the good consequences of it. The point I'm trying to make is that you will probably not get much warm, fuzzy feelings from being around your teenagers, it might seem futile. But it is not. You'd be part of that village that it takes to raise a child.

On another point, Malcat was talking once about how to be friends with people who have young children and have no time to spare because of it. And she was saying how you need to slot into their life, like go to the supermarket with your friend and their kids. Rather than waiting for them to be free to go out for dinner and drinks on a Saturday night. I know nothing of your relationship with your daughter but I've used this advice and it's been helpful.

On yet another point, if you decide to stop drinking beware that you won't be able to drink much again. You will feel so much better, sleep so much better, wake up so much better that having a couple of beers will feel like taking a 12 hours flight and you will think 10 times before doing it. I should have stopped drinking much sooner but boy I don't regret those crazy times, I had loads of fun. But unfortunately I now know what it feels like to wake up feeling normal rather than semi-human. It's as if someone said "hey, don't you want get paid the same per hour and do much harder, heavier physical work?" You'd be like "no, I rather have the easier life, thanks".

[Metalcat]

Welcome to the forum.

I see one big red flag: Do you drink 2 beers every day or nearly? Then you have a drinking problem. Putting an end to this will have positive effects all around.
With that level of regularity it might mean you cannot drink any alcohol again.
You might want to see someone to accompany you quitting and your doctor about the state of your liver. Fatty liver (steatosis) is the stage before cirrhosis and it's reversible with no alcohol, sports and nutrition. Cirrhosis is not.

I think your options then are actually looking pretty good. A part of why you're feeling how you are describing you are feeling is quite possible related to the drinking.

PS: We have a quit drinking for as long as you like or something like that thread on the forum.

Two beers a day for a male is not going to damage the liver. 

It might very well for a female.

"The average threshold alcohol intake to produce liver injury is 40 g/day to 60 g /day (3 to 5 drinks) in men but only 20 g/day (<2 drinks) in women with a drink defined as 12 oz (354 mL) of beer . . . "

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3400518/#:~:text=The%20average%20threshold%20alcohol%20intake,alcohol%20(7%2C8).

The threshold is above 14-27 drinks a week in men, but above 7-13 drinks a week for women.

Liver damage is only one impact of alcohol.

The current Canadian guidelines are for men to have no more than 2 drinks per week.

The old demon alcohol. Unfortunately two of my brothers were hardcore alcoholics and I've done my share of drinking in the past. I drink maybe 1 small beer and maybe a small glass of wine, watch some YouTube videos and fall asleep in about 30 seconds usually, and it really signals the end of the day for me, I drink a beer or two, summarise my day, watch travel videos and remember happy times I've had travelling and the people I met... and then ZZzzz

Last night I just had one small beer. That's a typical night for me. I had all the tests done a few months ago for liver function and they came back within range. I appreciate the concern from people and for sure alcohol can become a problem.

For me it is actually a slight problem, as I sort of have to have those 2 drinks otherwise I get a bit antsy. But I think it's like some people need a coffee in the morning, it's that level for me and I don't think it would become a big problem.

Apart from that I don't even drink caffeine, or tobacco or weed, any of that. I eat pretty healthy and I don't take any medication at all. Maybe antibiotics if I cut at work and it got infected. Hopefully I can keep that going into my older years.

I hear you, I was a 2 drinks after work person myself for years.

One thing I learned from quitting is that that habit serves a major purpose, it's what allowed me to stay in a pattern that wasn't working for me. Once I quit, I became a lot more sensitive to any lifestyle patterns that weren't ideal for me, which kind of sucked at first, but also made me far, far more intuitive as to what I needed to thrive and be happy.

It sounds like your daily alcohol habit is doing its job pretty effectively, allowing you to keep doing what you are doing, while getting nostalgic about when you used to do different things...

I've been alcohol free for almost 5 years now, and it's been a pretty big part of truly coming to understand what I want from life. I actually needed to become much more sensitive to even tap into parts of myself that weren't just my professional self.

FTR, I *just* went back to work, and it's been a very interesting process of reawakening that professional self and trying to contain it. Lol.

[Laura33]

Ideally, if I could I'd move my house and business + me and daughter and grandkids all to one area and we'd all get along. I'd also have my parents still around and other family members, also some of my old friendships.. oh and that old girlfriend that use to make me breakfast in bed.. and I'd like to be 20 years younger please.

. . . .

I think I have to keep going as is, wait until May when the city plan is revealed. Realise that I only have to really do those inspections to earn enough, and importantly I have to live life large now and not wait (mentally) until some future time when I'll magically enjoy life... like live it large now. Get on airplanes, say no to hard work, go out dancing, play music, go do that fantastic hike, check out that meetup, plan a foreign destination holiday with my daughter and grand kids and do it.

1.  It's fine to do the "I wish" thing, but if you spend too much time on that, you just get sad about not having something that literally cannot happen.  You're better off long-term if you force yourself to focus on the things that are actual possibilities.

2.  That second thing is far and away the most important thing you've said.  Do that.  Figure out even one thing that would make your life more enjoyable now.  Go do that -- today, or this weekend at the latest.  Rinse, repeat.  There's no magical point at which everything comes together and the fairy godmother waves her wand and poof! you're happy.  You make yourself happy by repeatedly doing things that make you happy.  Now is all we've got.  So go do it!

[NorthernIkigai]

On yet another point, if you decide to stop drinking beware that you won't be able to drink much again. You will feel so much better, sleep so much better, wake up so much better that having a couple of beers will feel like taking a 12 hours flight and you will think 10 times before doing it. I should have stopped drinking much sooner but boy I don't regret those crazy times, I had loads of fun. But unfortunately I now know what it feels like to wake up feeling normal rather than semi-human.

This! It's not about liver damage (certainly not the level of damage that would show up in a test), it's about your general level of energy, quality of sleep, ways of handling stress and boredom, simply ways of spending time, etc. Try it -- you will feel a lot more energetic and simply have a new focus. I'm younger than you, not a teetotaler but simply someone who nowadays very rarely feels like drinking alcohol, and drinking less has made such a difference to how I feel and all the other things I do. The less you drink, the less you will feel like drinking, and the more you focus on other things in life. I know "two beers a day" used to sound pretty normal an measured for a man even a few years ago, but it really isn't.

When you venture out of your routines and try new things to see what sticks, definitely do something social. The suggestion above about library volunteering was fabulous. I would guess that a hardworking (not necessarily in their day job, but you know, someone who's not lazy), solvent, socially intelligent (which you seem to be from your messages here), unattached guy in his early 60s would probably not even end up needing a dating app if he joins some volunteering groups, signs up for a class or two, takes part in something sporty in the community, etc. Of course you should only do things you actually enjoy and are interested in, but I think finding companionship could very well be a side effect of doing all those fun things.

[falling leaves]

On yet another point, if you decide to stop drinking beware that you won't be able to drink much again. You will feel so much better, sleep so much better, wake up so much better that having a couple of beers will feel like taking a 12 hours flight and you will think 10 times before doing it. I should have stopped drinking much sooner but boy I don't regret those crazy times, I had loads of fun. But unfortunately I now know what it feels like to wake up feeling normal rather than semi-human.

This! It's not about liver damage (certainly not the level of damage that would show up in a test), it's about your general level of energy, quality of sleep, ways of handling stress and boredom, simply ways of spending time, etc. Try it -- you will feel a lot more energetic and simply have a new focus. I'm younger than you, not a teetotaler but simply someone who nowadays very rarely feels like drinking alcohol, and drinking less has made such a difference to how I feel and all the other things I do. The less you drink, the less you will feel like drinking, and the more you focus on other things in life. I know "two beers a day" used to sound pretty normal an measured for a man even a few years ago, but it really isn't.

When you venture out of your routines and try new things to see what sticks, definitely do something social. The suggestion above about library volunteering was fabulous. I would guess that a hardworking (not necessarily in their day job, but you know, someone who's not lazy), solvent, socially intelligent (which you seem to be from your messages here), unattached guy in his early 60s would probably not even end up needing a dating app if he joins some volunteering groups, signs up for a class or two, takes part in something sporty in the community, etc. Of course you should only do things you actually enjoy and are interested in, but I think finding companionship could very well be a side effect of doing all those fun things.

There was about 5 months I went without drinking anything and that was about 6 years ago. I must say I did feel great and I really enjoyed just waking up and knowing that however I felt wasn't anything to do with what I'd drunk the night before. Also a Facebook memory post came up a while back about that and I'd posted how I hadn't had a drink in so long and I'd effortlessly lost weight.  I should do it again.

[falling leaves]

Welcome to the forum.

I see one big red flag: Do you drink 2 beers every day or nearly? Then you have a drinking problem. Putting an end to this will have positive effects all around.
With that level of regularity it might mean you cannot drink any alcohol again.
You might want to see someone to accompany you quitting and your doctor about the state of your liver. Fatty liver (steatosis) is the stage before cirrhosis and it's reversible with no alcohol, sports and nutrition. Cirrhosis is not.

I think your options then are actually looking pretty good. A part of why you're feeling how you are describing you are feeling is quite possible related to the drinking.

PS: We have a quit drinking for as long as you like or something like that thread on the forum.

Two beers a day for a male is not going to damage the liver. 

It might very well for a female.

"The average threshold alcohol intake to produce liver injury is 40 g/day to 60 g /day (3 to 5 drinks) in men but only 20 g/day (<2 drinks) in women with a drink defined as 12 oz (354 mL) of beer . . . "

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3400518/#:~:text=The%20average%20threshold%20alcohol%20intake,alcohol%20(7%2C8).

The threshold is above 14-27 drinks a week in men, but above 7-13 drinks a week for women.

Liver damage is only one impact of alcohol.

The current Canadian guidelines are for men to have no more than 2 drinks per week.

The old demon alcohol. Unfortunately two of my brothers were hardcore alcoholics and I've done my share of drinking in the past. I drink maybe 1 small beer and maybe a small glass of wine, watch some YouTube videos and fall asleep in about 30 seconds usually, and it really signals the end of the day for me, I drink a beer or two, summarise my day, watch travel videos and remember happy times I've had travelling and the people I met... and then ZZzzz

Last night I just had one small beer. That's a typical night for me. I had all the tests done a few months ago for liver function and they came back within range. I appreciate the concern from people and for sure alcohol can become a problem.

For me it is actually a slight problem, as I sort of have to have those 2 drinks otherwise I get a bit antsy. But I think it's like some people need a coffee in the morning, it's that level for me and I don't think it would become a big problem.

Apart from that I don't even drink caffeine, or tobacco or weed, any of that. I eat pretty healthy and I don't take any medication at all. Maybe antibiotics if I cut at work and it got infected. Hopefully I can keep that going into my older years.

I hear you, I was a 2 drinks after work person myself for years.

One thing I learned from quitting is that that habit serves a major purpose, it's what allowed me to stay in a pattern that wasn't working for me. Once I quit, I became a lot more sensitive to any lifestyle patterns that weren't ideal for me, which kind of sucked at first, but also made me far, far more intuitive as to what I needed to thrive and be happy.

It sounds like your daily alcohol habit is doing its job pretty effectively, allowing you to keep doing what you are doing, while getting nostalgic about when you used to do different things...

I've been alcohol free for almost 5 years now, and it's been a pretty big part of truly coming to understand what I want from life. I actually needed to become much more sensitive to even tap into parts of myself that weren't just my professional self.

FTR, I *just* went back to work, and it's been a very interesting process of reawakening that professional self and trying to contain it. Lol.

It has sort of served a purpose in a way. The grind and the routine and getting by rather than throwing the towel in. So, here I am at this point where I can work a lot less and forget about that old grind and replace it with something new.

I think it's a case of what is the best thing to do now. Money in my pocket, future prospects looking good. Kids over there in Ontario etc... and make it stick (but adjust course as necessary)   I'm thinking that it would be nice to see more of the beautiful nature here in the Pacific NW. Lose 20 pounds and put drinking alcohol in the right place. Resurrect some old hobbies/passions like playing music, art/salsa/boxing/meeting a friend for breakfast. Spend a month or 2 in Ontario next year, maybe arrange co-arrange a winter adventure trip with my daughter and grand kids. 

I'm not sure about partner relationships as that is another messed up area in my life, similar to alcohol. Where I don't have the right kind of software installed. And things end up going here there and everywhere. It would be nice to venture back into that world, but with the right mindset.

[Metalcat]

Have you ever considered therapy??

[falling leaves]

Have you ever considered therapy??

Hi Metalcat, I've tried therapy a few times over the years. Is that the field of work you're in?

Some things I found it helpful for, dealing with grief was one thing it really helped with. Nowadays I'm not really a big fan.

It seems to be that there's such a wide range of different practices. I think of it similar to if I go to the dentist I mostly know what's going to happen and I'm OK with that, it's standardised and I can mostly know the outcome and the training the dentist has had. My experience with therapy is that it so much depends on the therapists own beliefs and biases and current cultural trends, and the outcome can be all kinds of things.

And I'm an old punk rocker from the North of England, I don't easily fit in a box and I'm happy not to. One therapist was a really odd old guy who kept falling asleep and I could tell this guy really did not like me personally, I think I wasted my time and money.

Another guy I paid a lot of money to for family therapy to help me and my daughter get things on track. It helped, and it was money well spent at $225 for a 40 minute online appointment, but, after the initial one on one each with me and my daughter, then a joint session, his schedule was so busy that our sessions were 2 months apart! 

The therapist I liked best was the first one I saw, she was really helpful and went beyond just therapy to help me out. She was an intern and moved on and opened her own practice and only has female clients. I still see her around and say hi, that was 30 years ago when I first came to Canada.

Sometimes I think I get further talking to friends and hearing other peoples opinions like we are doing here. I really appreciate the time and replies that people are leaving.

[Metalcat]

Have you ever considered therapy??

Hi Metalcat, I've tried therapy a few times over the years. Is that the field of work you're in?

Some things I found it helpful for, dealing with grief was one thing it really helped with. Nowadays I'm not really a big fan.

It seems to be that there's such a wide range of different practices. I think of it similar to if I go to the dentist I mostly know what's going to happen and I'm OK with that, it's standardised and I can mostly know the outcome and the training the dentist has had. My experience with therapy is that it so much depends on the therapists own beliefs and biases and current cultural trends, and the outcome can be all kinds of things.

And I'm an old punk rocker from the North of England, I don't easily fit in a box and I'm happy not to. One therapist was a really odd old guy who kept falling asleep and I could tell this guy really did not like me personally, I think I wasted my time and money.

Another guy I paid a lot of money to for family therapy to help me and my daughter get things on track. It helped, and it was money well spent at $225 for a 40 minute online appointment, but, after the initial one on one each with me and my daughter, then a joint session, his schedule was so busy that our sessions were 2 months apart! 

The therapist I liked best was the first one I saw, she was really helpful and went beyond just therapy to help me out. She was an intern and moved on and opened her own practice and only has female clients. I still see her around and say hi, that was 30 years ago when I first came to Canada.

Sometimes I think I get further talking to friends and hearing other peoples opinions like we are doing here. I really appreciate the time and replies that people are leaving.

Yep, I'm a therapist.

The variety in therapists is both a feature and a flaw. If all therapists were consistent, then only a particular kind of person would benefit. We have to be wildly different to meet the needs or the population who are WILDLY different from one another.

It makes it a lot harder for individuals to find the right fit, especially if they expect them to just all provide an essentially interchangeable service, but for folks who know to hunt for the right fit, it makes effective therapy possible.

The things you are describing would definitely benefit from working with a therapist who is the right fit for you, but I also get why you wouldn't feel terribly motivated to find one.

Just FYI though, I was a clinic consultant for dentists and their work is nowhere near as consistent as people think it is.

[falling leaves]

Have you ever considered therapy??

Hi Metalcat, I've tried therapy a few times over the years. Is that the field of work you're in?

Some things I found it helpful for, dealing with grief was one thing it really helped with. Nowadays I'm not really a big fan.

It seems to be that there's such a wide range of different practices. I think of it similar to if I go to the dentist I mostly know what's going to happen and I'm OK with that, it's standardised and I can mostly know the outcome and the training the dentist has had. My experience with therapy is that it so much depends on the therapists own beliefs and biases and current cultural trends, and the outcome can be all kinds of things.

And I'm an old punk rocker from the North of England, I don't easily fit in a box and I'm happy not to. One therapist was a really odd old guy who kept falling asleep and I could tell this guy really did not like me personally, I think I wasted my time and money.

Another guy I paid a lot of money to for family therapy to help me and my daughter get things on track. It helped, and it was money well spent at $225 for a 40 minute online appointment, but, after the initial one on one each with me and my daughter, then a joint session, his schedule was so busy that our sessions were 2 months apart! 

The therapist I liked best was the first one I saw, she was really helpful and went beyond just therapy to help me out. She was an intern and moved on and opened her own practice and only has female clients. I still see her around and say hi, that was 30 years ago when I first came to Canada.

Sometimes I think I get further talking to friends and hearing other peoples opinions like we are doing here. I really appreciate the time and replies that people are leaving.

Yep, I'm a therapist.

The variety in therapists is both a feature and a flaw. If all therapists were consistent, then only a particular kind of person would benefit. We have to be wildly different to meet the needs or the population who are WILDLY different from one another.

It makes it a lot harder for individuals to find the right fit, especially if they expect them to just all provide an essentially interchangeable service, but for folks who know to hunt for the right fit, it makes effective therapy possible.

The things you are describing would definitely benefit from working with a therapist who is the right fit for you, but I also get why you wouldn't feel terribly motivated to find one.

Just FYI though, I was a clinic consultant for dentists and their work is nowhere near as consistent as people think it is.

I was thinking that about dentists as I wrote it, that it might appear to all be apples to apples, but probably isn't at all :)

Maybe I should try to find a therapist, although sometimes I think to myself am I just paying a therapist to talk to because I actually don't have anyone in my life?  That's kind of what my life has come down to. I used to have to have a lot of friends, family around, girlfriends and even a pet, parents were still alive. Now I live on my own, no family close by, parents have passed on and no significant other, friends at the moment are thin on the ground. This morning I had to go by my customers house and he's on a sports team, a good guy and had the team around for a meeting, lives with his partner, they have a dog, his parents I've known for years and they live close by. Looks like that side of life is good for him. But he's under 40 and he his family is quite a level headed bunch. My life looked quite different 16 years ago when I bought this house.
How to turn that one around? 

[Metalcat]

Yeah, therapy should be very, very different from just talking to friends. If I were in your position, I would seek out therapy that helps me gain clarity in knowing what I need to be happy and how to make effective decisions to achieve that.

If you don't want to invest in therapy, then check out the Yale Science of Well Being course, which may still be free, and is an excellent resource in understanding some of the universals behind living well, which may give you some of the self-reflection and insight you might need to make effective decisions.

In the end, you need to understand yourself at a deeper level to understand what to do next, and there are multiple ways to get that deeper understanding. Just trying new things is one, therapy is another, self directed learning is yet another.

Really good therapy is by far the most efficient though. When I have clients struggling with major life changes, they usually gain enough insight within 3-4 sessions to know what to do next.

[falling leaves]

Yeah, therapy should be very, very different from just talking to friends. If I were in your position, I would seek out therapy that helps me gain clarity in knowing what I need to be happy and how to make effective decisions to achieve that.

If you don't want to invest in therapy, then check out the Yale Science of Well Being course, which may still be free, and is an excellent resource in understanding some of the universals behind living well, which may give you some of the self-reflection and insight you might need to make effective decisions.

In the end, you need to understand yourself at a deeper level to understand what to do next, and there are multiple ways to get that deeper understanding. Just trying new things is one, therapy is another, self directed learning is yet another.

Really good therapy is by far the most efficient though. When I have clients struggling with major life changes, they usually gain enough insight within 3-4 sessions to know what to do next.

Thanks Metalcat and much appreciated. I'll look into therapy a bit further. Do you have any ideas as to how to search out a therapist? Any particular school of therapy that kind of thing.

[Metalcat]

Yeah, therapy should be very, very different from just talking to friends. If I were in your position, I would seek out therapy that helps me gain clarity in knowing what I need to be happy and how to make effective decisions to achieve that.

If you don't want to invest in therapy, then check out the Yale Science of Well Being course, which may still be free, and is an excellent resource in understanding some of the universals behind living well, which may give you some of the self-reflection and insight you might need to make effective decisions.

In the end, you need to understand yourself at a deeper level to understand what to do next, and there are multiple ways to get that deeper understanding. Just trying new things is one, therapy is another, self directed learning is yet another.

Really good therapy is by far the most efficient though. When I have clients struggling with major life changes, they usually gain enough insight within 3-4 sessions to know what to do next.

Thanks Metalcat and much appreciated. I'll look into therapy a bit further. Do you have any ideas as to how to search out a therapist? Any particular school of therapy that kind of thing.

Ugh, I get asked this all the time and unfortunately there really isn't a great way to search for therapists. Different therapists use different approaches, but that's rarely what makes them a good fit for an individual.

It's really a personality thing, so my best advice is to use a shotgun approach, be really picky about how much you like working with the person, and be quick to quit when it's not working really well for you within a handful of sessions, if it even gets that far.

[LifeHappens]

And I'm an old punk rocker from the North of England, I don't easily fit in a box and I'm happy not to.

Do you still identify as a punk? I am not, but from what I know of the punk community they are a tight knit group. It seems like if you are comfortable in that scene it would be a good community to seek out, wherever you land.

[falling leaves]

And I'm an old punk rocker from the North of England, I don't easily fit in a box and I'm happy not to.

Do you still identify as a punk? I am not, but from what I know of the punk community they are a tight knit group. It seems like if you are comfortable in that scene it would be a good community to seek out, wherever you land.

I don't know. Some of the good parts I'm still into, and that was an exciting time to be around that scene in the late 70's early 80's. But as time has gone on, that scene has got to be one of the most f'ed up scenes so far.

The amount of people that ended up drug addicted and overdosed and gone is huge. And also I'm a bit surprised at how a lot of people that I knew have never really updated much in their lives. Same beliefs, live in the same area, same hair cut and clothes. They started out as really exciting alternative people, but it kind of stopped right there in their 20's mired in nostalgia.

In some ways not too much wrong with that, but when I go to see an old band that's in town, I have to say that the majority of the old scene members did not fare that well.  Alcoholism, drugs, never seen the inside of a gym, health issues, mental health issues.

Overtime it's become a bit of an 'issue'. I notice the differences between us and so do some of my old close circle. I eat healthily and have a gym membership, also watch how much I drink. That sort of puts me in the category of 'straight' to many of them as they are into various levels of getting f'ed up.

I also got into salsa dancing and skiing... definitely lose your 'punk' membership card doing those kinds of things. So, I figure don't worry about it and let's move on.

[falling leaves]

So what is actually stopping you from moving towards a happier life?? Seriously? What gun is being held to your head preventing you from saying "Fuck it, let's try something different."

You don't need to figure out what will be best for you, in fact, I'm presupposing that you kind of can't, which is why you feel so stuck. You intuitively know that you can't really solve this puzzle. But you're not meant to, you're meant to explore, and try things, and discover what you need to feel happy and fulfilled.

The only thing you need to figure out is what risks you want to hedge and how to hedge them reasonably. Then just go off and try shit and see what fits and what doesn't.

You never know, and you never will until you give your mind and body space to figure it out.

I think I've figured out what I'm going to do.

I have some regular gigs for 2 management companies that I have to do mid month and month end. I can do them all in about 3.5 days total and I usually get around $4000.

Those jobs are relatively easy compared to renovation jobs, so 4 grand for doing them is great for me. Also they are steady year round kind of work.

I'm open to doing around another 30 hours a month of paid work for my old customers, but only if the jobs are on the lighter end of the scale.

That would give me easily enough to live on.

Now the busy season is over I'm going to rest up, do some stretching and foam rolling, work my way through my list of stuff that I feel has been neglected over summer... getting rid of old papers, catching up on billing, tidy the garden, go for a few walks. Just generally recover from a lot of heavy working.

And that's it for 'busy seasons' when spring comes next year and the phone starts ringing I'll have my patter down about being mostly retired now etc...  and I'll enjoy summer instead of work ramping up once spring comes until October.

My knee jerk reaction when I first posted this post was to go travelling and kind of a run for the hills type of thing. But now I've had a bit of time to settle down, I realise it's not really about travelling. I might do early next year, but at the moment it feels much better just to relax at home and solidify this idea that I'm now semi retired and sorry I can't help you with that job Mr and Mrs homeowner.