Author Topic: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?  (Read 10141 times)

zz_marcello

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 53
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #50 on: March 14, 2018, 10:06:53 AM »
45 year old father of two kids here. Wife is a scientist and Im a MegaCorp Manager. Ex US Norhern Virginia expat. Currently living in Germany again and closing in on the second million in $ net worth due to being mustachians all our life before knowing that this word even exists.

The reason why people are giving you their honest opinion is because by having a child on your own you will be the first time in your life not only be responsible for yourself but for another human being! The life of this human being will be influenced in a major way by the way you can provide for him.

Being age 40 and ~$75k in the hole and at the same time speaking about how above average you are regarding looks and making calculations about child care cost and the amount of work and energy it involves to raise a child on your own that are honestly delusional - People are just worried what will happen to your child if reality sets in.

Ten years ago before our daughter was born, we thought we will be the coolest parents on the planet.
Still going to parties, enjoying life like before and handling everything very easily. My wife was modeling as a side gig even in her first few month of pregnancy and I also never had problems finding a partner (just because you seem to rate people by appearance).

I can only tell you that the moment our first child was born it was like a high speed train hitting us full speed!
Our old life was gone.
Seven hours of sleep didnīt happen any more per night for us but sometimes only in a whole week. Shouting, vomiting milk from the baby and nearly zero social contacts for us in the first year after enyoing life/friends/travel in the decade before.

And this day after day - week after week!

Discussions in the middle of the night who will spend the next 150 minutes with the baby before it will wake up again and is shouting for her next meal.
My wife, who sometimes did not have time for a shower for several days? Or me who was doing 50-60 hour weeks in Megacorp at the same time to provide for the family?

What other caring people in this forum where writing is true: Its work! A bootload of work! A non-stop job like you never had before in your life and a huge (selfless!) commitment.
So huge you will have no time and energy left to think about your above average looks for a long time...

Having kids is one of the most beautiful and fullfilling things I can think of.
But from my experience I could never imagine having a child on my own as a single parent with negative networth and together with a full time job.
I know its your life and you seem to be commited to follow through.

So please at least develop and work through a real backup plan for events that will happen more likely than you can imagine at the moment:
- What will you do if your child gets sick for several weeks and you have to work?
- What will you do if you loose your job?
- What will you do if you get sick or completly run out of energy?
- Find people that could really back you up! Not just for one afternoon but 24/7 for an extended period and under all cirumstances.

All the best and good luck!
« Last Edit: March 14, 2018, 10:21:54 AM by zz_marcello »

Rimu05

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 205
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #51 on: March 14, 2018, 10:25:55 AM »
You are very mistaken if you think raising a child is 3-4 years of hard work. How many of your single mother friends have teenagers?

Have you given any consideration to how your future child might feel about only having one parent? Won't he or she want a father? I was raised without my father and it did make a difference in my life. Parenting is about putting your child's needs before your own. Choosing to have a child without a father is, in my opinion, a selfish choice that is not in the best interest of the child.

If you choose to go forward with this I hope you have male relatives or friends that are willing and able to be good male role models for your child. You can be the best mom in the world but you won't be able to fully fill the shoes that two parents can fill.
So many fathers bail though. I was raised by a single parent and actually, the effect of not having a father is something that didn't cross my mind. Honestly, It's really something I never envied or thought much of.

Of course, many people have the opposite thought. On that note, my mom definitely struggled and we definitely missed out on a lot, but I'd like to think I turned out fine. I have a great relationship with my mom. I've met my dad's (My dad died eons ago, who even knows when if I'm being honest) side of the family and they were pretty cool.

I also witnessed two parent homes that weren't that great so maybe that had an influence too.

With this said, I honestly don't think OP is in a situation where she should just have a child. So many things can happen. So many things you really don't plan for. Especially with Ops finances.

Op also completely lost me on the beautiful child comment. Like that should be the least of your worries.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2018, 10:36:59 AM by Rimu05 »

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #52 on: March 14, 2018, 11:33:21 AM »
Good luck on the journey. Ditto on the IVF over IUI. Kaiser just wants more patients so they'll happily get you pregnant as fast as they can;) Don't waste time on less effective interventions when you can go right to it. We only have one kid, decided there was never really a "perfect time" to have kids, and that it is a supremely selfish act, but you also only live once, and kids are born cute so you don't try to return them to the store.

In all seriousness, recognize the financial concerns as the natural, normal, predictable response to an oncoming life change. Everyone agitates, I sewed homemade diapers, which turned out to be good for dog toys. Homeless junkies have kids, plenty of which turn out fine, and I'm sure they worry about something while on the streets with a needle in the arm. Student loans, schmudent loans, you'll make new plans as you go along. And perhaps your kid will be a brain surgeon or HUD secretary and pay you back in dining room furniture;) You'll be fine, your kid will be fine, and if not, you'll fix it and do your best.

Thank you for injecting some fun into this thread! Trust me that living in DC, your political references were well-received! :P

It seems very few of us see things from a glass half-full perspective. I (luckily) don't act from a fear perspective. Yes, bad things *might* happen but good things *might* also happen. We just don't know. So, I will reiterate it -- I can NOT fathom living my life out not only without a child, but also with the regret of not doing it when I could.

Thank you for your vote of confidence!

« Last Edit: March 14, 2018, 01:00:43 PM by Eva_Eva »

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #53 on: March 14, 2018, 11:40:21 AM »
If you go for IVF they like to make it cheaper by putting 2 eggs at once. This gives a risk for twins, which are fun, but a lot harder as well.

And do consider that hormones will affect you from when you start the treatment, so trust in the decisions you made before when your head was clearer.

It would be really nice if your mom can stay with you for extended periods of time. 72 and in good health means she can do a lot if she gets enough good rest. Most old people who where very active during life actually want to help. It is nice for them to have something worthwhile to contribute to. Maybe you could make a combination of mom and paid help so she can have a few hours with the kids in the morning and after their nap a babysitter can take over. Then in the evening you can do it together.

Most elder people I know hate it when people say "You're too old for that." They feel like they don't have much time left and want it to mean something instead of taking it easy.

Indeed! Thank you for the hormone treatment advice. My mother is already making plans to rent out her house and move up to DC. She is so supportive, she can't imagine not being fully involved. And the 1/2 time combo between a nanny & her is exactly what we talked about. I would want her to *watch* the nanny while the nanny is looking after the baby. So your advice is exactly what we talked about.

Now, having said this, my doctor told me yesterday she just had a patient the other day who gave birth to a healthy baby at 45 and her mother moved up to DC to help. My doctor told me yesterday '100% -- women do it ALL THE TIME alone' and it's always the mothers that help. I am so, so lucky to have the most incredible mom in the world and she's active, and independent, and healthy -- my whole family is!

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #54 on: March 14, 2018, 11:49:38 AM »
If you go for IVF they like to make it cheaper by putting 2 eggs at once. This gives a risk for twins, which are fun, but a lot harder as well.



It depends who "they" is.
My RE clinic will not implant 2 eggs in anyone older than 35 (it might have even been 30, because I was under 35 when they made me sign the paper stating that they would do not do anything to help people have multiples. And I wasn't even having IUI/IVF, just some basic testing, and had to sign it.)
45 year old father of two kids here. Wife is a scientist and Im a MegaCorp Manager. Ex US Norhern Virginia expat. Currently living in Germany again and closing in on the second million in $ net worth due to being mustachians all our life before knowing that this word even exists.

The reason why people are giving you their honest opinion is because by having a child on your own you will be the first time in your life not only be responsible for yourself but for another human being! The life of this human being will be influenced in a major way by the way you can provide for him.

Being age 40 and ~$75k in the hole and at the same time speaking about how above average you are regarding looks and making calculations about child care cost and the amount of work and energy it involves to raise a child on your own that are honestly delusional - People are just worried what will happen to your child if reality sets in.

Ten years ago before our daughter was born, we thought we will be the coolest parents on the planet.
Still going to parties, enjoying life like before and handling everything very easily. My wife was modeling as a side gig even in her first few month of pregnancy and I also never had problems finding a partner (just because you seem to rate people by appearance).

I can only tell you that the moment our first child was born it was like a high speed train hitting us full speed!
Our old life was gone.
Seven hours of sleep didnīt happen any more per night for us but sometimes only in a whole week. Shouting, vomiting milk from the baby and nearly zero social contacts for us in the first year after enyoing life/friends/travel in the decade before.

And this day after day - week after week!

Discussions in the middle of the night who will spend the next 150 minutes with the baby before it will wake up again and is shouting for her next meal.
My wife, who sometimes did not have time for a shower for several days? Or me who was doing 50-60 hour weeks in Megacorp at the same time to provide for the family?

What other caring people in this forum where writing is true: Its work! A bootload of work! A non-stop job like you never had before in your life and a huge (selfless!) commitment.
So huge you will have no time and energy left to think about your above average looks for a long time...

Having kids is one of the most beautiful and fullfilling things I can think of.
But from my experience I could never imagine having a child on my own as a single parent with negative networth and together with a full time job.
I know its your life and you seem to be commited to follow through.

So please at least develop and work through a real backup plan for events that will happen more likely than you can imagine at the moment:
- What will you do if your child gets sick for several weeks and you have to work?
- What will you do if you loose your job?
- What will you do if you get sick or completly run out of energy?
- Find people that could really back you up! Not just for one afternoon but 24/7 for an extended period and under all cirumstances.

All the best and good luck!

Understood!  I am not scared or deterred by hard work and I have surrounded myself with wonderful people who already offered to help.

So having said what you said and 'closing in at 2 $mil', do you regret having kids? And can all that money buy the joy they give you? And if god forbid something bad happens, would you be willing to give up all your money to save your loved ones' life?

These are moral questions and the answers are not the same for everyone. Luckily, (or unluckily for me) -- life, happiness, and having a fulfilled life are things I value more than how much $$$ I have in the bank. Certain things you simply can't put a price on. Is life easier when you have no financial stress and can do most things that you enjoy? - ABSOLUTELY! Can you buy life and happiness? I, for one don't think so.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2018, 01:02:03 PM by Eva_Eva »

I'm a red panda

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7746
  • Location: United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #55 on: March 14, 2018, 12:01:49 PM »
 

My doctor told me yesterday '100% -- women do it ALL THE TIME alone' and it's always the mothers that help. I am so, so lucky to have the most incredible mom in the world and she's active, and independent, and healthy -- my whole family is!

I think we were making assumptions that your mother was not super active or healthy since you said she would be unable to lift the baby.  Your story seems to be changing.

Have you made an appointment with an RE yet? When are you getting started?

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #56 on: March 14, 2018, 12:59:43 PM »

My doctor told me yesterday '100% -- women do it ALL THE TIME alone' and it's always the mothers that help. I am so, so lucky to have the most incredible mom in the world and she's active, and independent, and healthy -- my whole family is!

I think we were making assumptions that your mother was not super active or healthy since you said she would be unable to lift the baby.  Your story seems to be changing.

Have you made an appointment with an RE yet? When are you getting started?

You're adorable! :) Thank you for all your concerns and questions!
What I said is - she is active but also 70 years old. My story isn't changing but I'd rather pay someone that could help than have my mom do any type of heavy work/lifting; my mother went through a lot in her life. What I do need from her is the emotional and mental support. Of course she offered -- she would do anything for me but I don't want her to. She has back problems and she'd still try to pick up the baby the way she does right now with her other two grandkids. Is it painful for her? Of course. Would I rather her not go through that? Of course!

I am waiting for the initial tests to come back (done yesterday) and then I am getting the RE referral. So, I have already started with my gynecologist but not yet with the RE.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2018, 01:03:11 PM by Eva_Eva »

I'm a red panda

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7746
  • Location: United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #57 on: March 14, 2018, 01:23:07 PM »
Exciting that your tests have started.

I really do wish you well. 

I just encourage you to plan for the less rosy scenarios as well.

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #58 on: March 14, 2018, 01:33:00 PM »
Exciting that your tests have started.

I really do wish you well. 

I just encourage you to plan for the less rosy scenarios as well.

I appreciate it - thank you!

I do plan for the less rosy possibilities - I am pragmatic by default (part of my Eastern European identity!).

2Cent

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 586
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #59 on: March 15, 2018, 03:32:45 AM »
Ten years ago before our daughter was born, we thought we will be the coolest parents on the planet.
Still going to parties, enjoying life like before and handling everything very easily.
I think this is the main source of problems for people. The mistaken assumption that you can have your baby and your old social life at the same time. That leads to people overloading and getting over tired. If instead just drop even thinking about all those social engagements and instead accept that 100% of your free time into baby will go into raising the baby and resting you will find that it is actually enjoyable to spend time with your kid. A baby sleeps a lot, so if you use that time to sleep and do the chores you'll manage. If you use that time to have fun you'll get messed up and will feel like sleeping and doing chores when the baby is demanding attention.

That lifestyle may seem bare and boring now, but when you're actually doing it reverse hedonic adaptation will happen and you will not mind it. And the time when you suddenly get to have some free time for yourself you will enjoy much more than now.

chicwhitesox1

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 20
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #60 on: March 15, 2018, 04:03:31 AM »
i should've think about these questions when I had a baby... it was hard but we survived and still surviving

So please at least develop and work through a real backup plan for events that will happen more likely than you can imagine at the moment:
- What will you do if your child gets sick for several weeks and you have to work?
- What will you do if you loose your job?
- What will you do if you get sick or completly run out of energy?
- Find people that could really back you up! Not just for one afternoon but 24/7 for an extended period and under all cirumstances.

All the best and good luck!

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #61 on: March 15, 2018, 07:00:11 AM »
i should've think about these questions when I had a baby... it was hard but we survived and still surviving

So please at least develop and work through a real backup plan for events that will happen more likely than you can imagine at the moment:
- What will you do if your child gets sick for several weeks and you have to work?
- What will you do if you loose your job?
- What will you do if you get sick or completly run out of energy?
- Find people that could really back you up! Not just for one afternoon but 24/7 for an extended period and under all cirumstances.

All the best and good luck!

I just couldn't respond to the post before yours. I mean I am not a prep-er, I don't live my life expecting for disasters to happen - I know disasters do happen but I don't live every breathing moment of my life with that fear on my mind. I plan accordingly -- hoping for the best and expecting the worst, but I know I will deal with the worst parts of this journey WHEN that happens, not before, so that I don't descend into fear and make decisions from that perspective. I just don't live my life that way and all I can say is it's been serving me well, or I have been extremely lucky - I have ZERO regrets! I have a beautiful life and lived a full life until now.
Of course I will survive - I'm the strongest person I know, I am a fighter and I have full confidence in my health and ability to get a well=paying job and hold it down. Having some $$ and people around will definitely help.
I will be fine! Thank you for your thoughts.

charis

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1681
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #62 on: March 15, 2018, 07:11:46 AM »
Everyone parent needs a back up plan if their child gets sick and they cannot miss work, for whatever reason.  Because if you don't, you could lose your job.  It's called being practical, employable, and smart.  Being prepared has nothing to do with living in fear (I don't understand where you even got that). 

GuitarStv

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 12691
  • Age: 37
  • Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #63 on: March 15, 2018, 07:53:06 AM »
There is a difference between preparing for incredibly likely occurrences(child getting sick for a couple days requiring constant round-the-clock care) and preparing for incredibly unlikely occurrences (zombie apocalypse).  If you wait until likely occurrences happen to handle them, you're not really planning for them. . . and with a young child it can easily start to feel overwhelming.

It's not a matter of fear, but practicality.  Kid gets sick, you call the designated babysitter for when the kid gets sick.  If that babysitter is unavailable, you call the backup.  That's much easier to deal with than kid gets sick . . . uh oh.  Hmm, do I know anyone who can take care of him?  Hmm, nobody's available on this short notice, I guess I'll take the day off work.  Uh oh, I don't have enough leave to take the day off work.

Do as much as you can to pre-reduce stress this way, because a kid (especially a newborn) is a little stress factory.

charis

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1681
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #64 on: March 15, 2018, 09:47:35 AM »
There is a difference between preparing for incredibly likely occurrences(child getting sick for a couple days requiring constant round-the-clock care) and preparing for incredibly unlikely occurrences (zombie apocalypse).  If you wait until likely occurrences happen to handle them, you're not really planning for them. . . and with a young child it can easily start to feel overwhelming.

It's not a matter of fear, but practicality.  Kid gets sick, you call the designated babysitter for when the kid gets sick.  If that babysitter is unavailable, you call the backup.  That's much easier to deal with than kid gets sick . . . uh oh.  Hmm, do I know anyone who can take care of him?  Hmm, nobody's available on this short notice, I guess I'll take the day off work.  Uh oh, I don't have enough leave to take the day off work.

Do as much as you can to pre-reduce stress this way, because a kid (especially a newborn) is a little stress factory.

For example, my child got sick the day before I had to travel out of town for one of the biggest professional obligation in my career, meaning I could not miss it.  My husband was already out of town for a conference.  My very healthy, child-loving parents were my back up, but a family member had passed away recently and they would be en route to the funeral when I needed care.  My mother in law just had surgery and I couldn't find any other friends or babysitters who were available at the last second.  I ended up working from home for one day (which was very inconvenient since I wasn't prepared to do this) and my husband had to leave his conference early and get home so I could leave for my thing. 

This was rare for us because we rarely traveled for work and/or have flexible schedules.  But I frequently had to take time off work to back up my mother, who was providing part time care (at her insistence).  In fact, I often noted how it would have been much easier to pay for full time child care than have family helping out.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2018, 10:32:44 AM by jezebel »

I'm a red panda

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7746
  • Location: United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #65 on: March 15, 2018, 10:17:45 AM »
When my daughter was 2-weeks old my husband had an emergency appendectomy.  I actual ended up having to call a neighbor (crying) to come hold the baby so I could sleep for 2 hours. I was awake for 36 hours straight between being in the hospital with him, and being awake with her.

Then, when my daughter was 6 months old, I had emergency gallbladder surgery.  Because my daughter was older, she weighed more and the surgeons were 100% that she was too heavy for me to pick up until my scar healed.


Both of us are healthy people; these surgeries were one offs- but they made caring for a baby extremely difficult.

And those were the unplanned things. We've both dealt with business trips, sick baby who can't go to daycare and we have to stay home and take off work, etc.   But these were all the very very normal things. Job loss, extended sickness (you or the baby), there is a lot that just totally turns life upside down.

Penelope Vandergast

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 97
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #66 on: March 15, 2018, 09:53:38 PM »
On age and fertility: It is a very individual thing. IMO much of the scare-mongering is invalid. Most fertility clinic protocols are based on a very small number of studies done a long time ago and it just isn't true that getting pregnant at 40 is impossible. See https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/?single_page=true

I mean, ask your doctor whether being 40 is birth control and they will look at you like you are nuts and prescribe an IUD. Women over 40 have some of the highest unplanned pregnancy & abortion rates.

My great-great-grandmother had her 7th kid at 44. I had a kid at 35 and 44 -- no treatments, all natural, pregnancy went fine, no problems. (The only thing I did was regular acupuncture for more than a year before #2, in order to lengthen my cycle which had already started to shorten.) I have a friend who had her last kid at 43 -- again, all natural conception.

You can expect more miscarriages the older you get, so don't be surprised if you have 2 or 3 or 5 pregnancies before one takes, but. (Don't forget that around a quarter of all conceptions at any age end in miscarriage. Many too early for people to really notice, but.)

Also, the freakout over genetic abnormalities associated with age are greatly overblown as well. Yes, there is a slightly higher risk but it's like going from .5% risk to 2% or something like that. 98% chance of normal. (And many of those fetuses will miscarry) You're not suddenly 90% likely to have a baby with major issues just because you turned 40.

The dangers of being an older mom to your own health are also overblown, especially if you are very healthy and active. (If you are not doing a lot of exercise now, start.) However, you WILL be at risk of being labeled "high risk" by your doctor and be pushed into things like C-section at 38 weeks for no reason other than your age. (This is one of the reasons the US c-section rate is now around 40%, an insanely high rate. It should be around 10-12%.) For this reason, if you have no other risks besides age I highly recommend getting your prenatal care and doing labor & delivery with a certified nurse-midwife -- there should be some working in hospitals in your area. I had both my kids with midwives in the hospital and even when I was 44 nobody batted an eye or ever even mentioned my age. That would NOT have happened with an OB.

Pro tip: Get your fallopian tubes flushed out before you try to conceive -- a hysterosalpingogram . It's meant to diagnose blockages in your tubes, but something about it makes conception easier even if you have no blockage. Both midwives and an OB told me that anecdotally they see this happen all the time (and it certainly worked for me).

Also: Get a copy of the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. You should be monitoring your cycles to check if and when ovulation is taking place and if the various phases of your cycle are long enough to support implantation etc.

And since this is MrMoneyMustache I have to add: If you use Taking Charge of Your Fertility and everything is good with your cycle, you should even be able to do the low-tech turkey baster DIY insemination route if you want. You can have sperm delivered to your home via FedEx, I believe. (Seriously.)

There is no need to jump right into uber-medicalized conception if there is nothing wrong with you. A fertility clinic will tell you it's impossible to DIY, of course -- but it isn't. (I know at least one kid conceived that way...) In fact the lower stress involved in DIY might help you conceive faster. Most fertility clinics have very low success rates -- just like when you do it the old-fashioned way.

On the subject of single motherhood of infants: I did it with my first, and not by choice. Put away as much cash as possible and assume you won't sleep more than 4 hours at at a stretch for several years after baby is born. $600/month for daycare for a baby is ludicrously low unless you only need about 6 hours a week. In major urban areas you can assume more like $2000-$3000/month. (and the good places have waitlists that are years long. You may have to sign up as soon as you are pregnant.) A nanny will cost at least $20,000 a year half time. (In Boston, even teenage babysitters charged $20/hour.)

Babysitting co-ops (my fave form of daycare) are fantastic if you can make them work, but if you thought caring for one baby was hard, try doing yours and someone else's all afternoon. It's a lot easier to do them when kids are at least 2 or 3 years old. Getting a live-in au pair or nanny is probably the best if you can manage it. If your mom can live with you for several years and can stay healthy during that time you will be very very lucky.

I also suggest finding a way to work PT for the first 2 years at least -- yes, your income will be greatly reduced but it will save your life, you won't have to spend as much money on child care, and you will actually get to raise your own child (mostly).

Not sure what you do for a living but part-time professional jobs with full benefits do exist. Look at colleges & universities, hospitals. Once you are PT, get an income-based deferment on your loans and try to forget about them for a while. Pay the interest so it doesn't capitalize, but otherwise another 4-5 years won't really matter.

Assume your income will be greatly reduced for a period of years (possibly forever).

If after kid is born you feel you don't want to be away from her, you could also become a nanny yourself. It's harder to find someone who will want a nanny who brings their own kid, but some parents like it because it gives their kid socialization. You probably won't be able to charge as much, but you can then make money and be with your own baby all day. I'd guess a FT nanny in DC could be making around $40K.

Or start a home daycare with your mom -- you could probably gross at least $60-$70K a year doing that. Might be a lot easier once kid is 2 or 3 years old though.

Or move to Canada, where you get a year of paid maternity leave and then high quality child care that costs like $50 a month. (Or almost any other democracy besides the United States, which rates near the bottom of the list for child/mother/family conditions in all categories. It would be vastly easier to be a single mom in say Sweden.)

Finally: Any chance you are friends with a gay male couple who might want to have a kid? You could have a baby with one of them and you could all help raise it. Get a duplex and you live in one side and them in the other, and kid goes back and forth like you're divorced but much friendlier. Again, not actually joking about that. If you don't have family who can give large amounts of help and support you need to create one. Babies and new moms were not meant to be left all alone.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2018, 10:04:06 PM by Penelope Vandergast »

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #67 on: March 16, 2018, 05:20:36 AM »
On age and fertility: It is a very individual thing. IMO much of the scare-mongering is invalid. 100% agree! Most fertility clinic protocols are based on a very small number of studies done a long time ago and it just isn't true that getting pregnant at 40 is impossible. My family history would agree with this 100%. And I am surrounded by 10+ women that I personally know that STARTED having kids in ther 40's and at 47, my BFF is thinking to have her 4th - ALL NATURAL! Absolutely 0 intervention. See https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/?single_page=true

I mean, ask your doctor whether being 40 is birth control and they will look at you like you are nuts and prescribe an IUD. Women over 40 have some of the highest unplanned pregnancy & abortion rates. indeed - I know many cases!

My great-great-grandmother had her 7th kid at 44. I had a kid at 35 and 44 -- no treatments, all natural, pregnancy went fine, no problems. (The only thing I did was regular acupuncture for more than a year before #2, in order to lengthen my cycle which had already started to shorten.) I have a friend who had her last kid at 43 -- again, all natural conception. Gonna repeat what I said before - EVERYONE I know that started having kids in their 40's achieved all (healthy) pregnancies naturally with 0 interventions. My doctor just told me she has a client that just got pregnant (IVF) at 45. As my tests are coming back and showing perfect health and numbers, I am considering delaying it for another 6 months... we'll see

You can expect more miscarriages the older you get, so don't be surprised if you have 2 or 3 or 5 pregnancies before one takes, but. (Don't forget that around a quarter of all conceptions at any age end in miscarriage. Many too early for people to really notice, but.) Good to know!

Also, the freakout over genetic abnormalities associated with age are greatly overblown as well. Yes, there is a slightly higher risk but it's like going from .5% risk to 2% or something like that. 98% chance of normal. (And many of those fetuses will miscarry) You're not suddenly 90% likely to have a baby with major issues just because you turned 40. Exactly - ZERO genetic & hereditary diseases in my family. We've all been super healthy, incredibly fit, and very active people - both sides of my family living well in their 90s and healthy!

The dangers of being an older mom to your own health are also overblown, especially if you are very healthy and active. Gonna repeat this --  VERY HEALTHY AND ACTIVE, sports and working out have been part of my daily life since childhood. Moderation in my diet has also been key - something my parents instilled in me and my siblings the day we were born!  (If you are not doing a lot of exercise now, start.) However, you WILL be at risk of being labeled "high risk" by your doctor and be pushed into things like C-section at 38 weeks for no reason other than your age. That's a scary thought and I am actually considering a natural water birth, when the time comes.  (This is one of the reasons the US c-section rate is now around 40%, an insanely high rate. It should be around 10-12%.) For this reason, if you have no other risks besides age I highly recommend getting your prenatal care and doing labor & delivery with a certified nurse-midwife -- there should be some working in hospitals in your area. LOVE this idea, thank you! I had both my kids with midwives in the hospital and even when I was 44 nobody batted an eye or ever even mentioned my age. That would NOT have happened with an OB. <3

Pro tip: Get your fallopian tubes flushed out before you try to conceive -- a hysterosalpingogram . It's meant to diagnose blockages in your tubes, but something about it makes conception easier even if you have no blockage. Both midwives and an OB told me that anecdotally they see this happen all the time (and it certainly worked for me). I can't say enough how amazing this advice is -- this makes so much sense! I will make sure to keep it at the top of my list of things to do! Thanks so much for this!!!

Also: Get a copy of the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. You should be monitoring your cycles to check if and when ovulation is taking place and if the various phases of your cycle are long enough to support implantation etc. This book has already been recommended so I'll get it. Thank you!

And since this is MrMoneyMustache I have to add: If you use Taking Charge of Your Fertility and everything is good with your cycle, you should even be able to do the low-tech turkey baster DIY insemination route if you want. You can have sperm delivered to your home via FedEx, I believe. (Seriously.) Yup! This would be doable if not for me having to buy the seed at a sperm bank (no easy access to the seed I want! :P) and since I have IUI covered by health insurance, I might just let the doctor do it.

There is no need to jump right into uber-medicalized conception if there is nothing wrong with you. A fertility clinic will tell you it's impossible to DIY, of course -- but it isn't. (I know at least one kid conceived that way...) In fact the lower stress involved in DIY might help you conceive faster. Most fertility clinics have very low success rates -- just like when you do it the old-fashioned way. I am absolutely not taking any pills other than pre-natal vitamins (never have for anything but colds and headaches!)

On the subject of single motherhood of infants: I did it with my first, and not by choice. Put away as much cash as possible and assume you won't sleep more than 4 hours at at a stretch for several years after baby is born. $600/month for daycare for a baby is ludicrously low unless you only need about 6 hours a week. In major urban areas you can assume more like $2000-$3000/month. (and the good places have waitlists that are years long. You may have to sign up as soon as you are pregnant.) A nanny will cost at least $20,000 a year half time. (In Boston, even teenage babysitters charged $20/hour.) - Doing this already!

Babysitting co-ops (my fave form of daycare) are fantastic if you can make them work, but if you thought caring for one baby was hard, try doing yours and someone else's all afternoon. It's a lot easier to do them when kids are at least 2 or 3 years old. Getting a live-in au pair or nanny is probably the best if you can manage it. If your mom can live with you for several years and can stay healthy during that time you will be very very lucky.

I also suggest finding a way to work PT for the first 2 years at least -- yes, your income will be greatly reduced but it will save your life, you won't have to spend as much money on child care, and you will actually get to raise your own child (mostly). We'll see about this. The money I make is too good and most likely won't quit if I can afford to have my mom help and pay another nanny.

Not sure what you do for a living but part-time professional jobs with full benefits do exist. Look at colleges & universities, hospitals. Once you are PT, get an income-based deferment on your loans and try to forget about them for a while. Pay the interest so it doesn't capitalize, but otherwise another 4-5 years won't really matter. I work in a very niche market and it would be unwise to quit and hard to find similar kind of work if I leave the field, or Washington DC.

Assume your income will be greatly reduced for a period of years (possibly forever). I should be ok with this. Student loans are my only debt and I live very frugally.

If after kid is born you feel you don't want to be away from her, you could also become a nanny yourself. It's harder to find someone who will want a nanny who brings their own kid, but some parents like it because it gives their kid socialization. You probably won't be able to charge as much, but you can then make money and be with your own baby all day. I'd guess a FT nanny in DC could be making around $40K. Might be impossible to live on $40K in DC. Going from $130K to $40K is something I most likely won't do. I was just offered $150K last week so not likely I will do that.

Or start a home daycare with your mom -- you could probably gross at least $60-$70K a year doing that. Might be a lot easier once kid is 2 or 3 years old though. Mom has her life in Florida and I would want her to live her life rather thank start a business with me at 70. What can I say - we're very independent women! :)

Or move to Canada, where you get a year of paid maternity leave and then high quality child care that costs like $50 a month. (Or almost any other democracy besides the United States, which rates near the bottom of the list for child/mother/family conditions in all categories. It would be vastly easier to be a single mom in say Sweden.) Yes, Scandinavia is very tempting but as I US citizen, I might not qualify for those benefits and I'm not ready to fork over 40% of my income in taxes, just yet :)

Finally: Any chance you are friends with a gay male couple who might want to have a kid? You could have a baby with one of them and you could all help raise it. Get a duplex and you live in one side and them in the other, and kid goes back and forth like you're divorced but much friendlier. Again, not actually joking about that. If you don't have family who can give large amounts of help and support you need to create one. Babies and new moms were not meant to be left all alone. I thought of that option but I don't have many gay friends, unfortunately and sharing (possible) custody with others can become a legal nightmare!


@Penelope Vandergast - THIS!!!!! So absolutely how I feel about this journey! Answers in red above. Thank you so very much for taking the time to respond!
« Last Edit: March 17, 2018, 10:52:38 PM by Eva_Eva »

BlueHouse

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2869
  • Location: WDC
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #68 on: March 16, 2018, 08:00:01 PM »
I appreciate everyone's concern here and from what I've seen, it's mostly warnings and they're all welcomed! There are however cases of single mothers (not by choice) that I personally know who raised their kids and (although hard and making a fourth of what I make), they managed. The kids are around and the tough times have passed. I am not going to be deterred or scared by a few (3-4) years of hard work. I know hard work and used to it.
Thank you!

There are plenty of single moms who have managed.  And plenty of kids of single moms who did "just fine".  But do you really want a situation where you "just manage" or your kids do "okay"?  You want your children to thrive and that's why people do everything in their power to give their children every advantage.  Choosing to have a child alone gives the child an immediate disadvantage.   I've been there, having a father that died at a young age.  I can't even begin to express the hole that was left.  Yes, I'm happy.  Yes, I'm successful, Yes, everything worked out okay in the end.  But it's not the same. 

If you're thinking that it's only 3-4 years of hard work and in DC, I can only assume that you're thinking that you'll plop your kid in DC's free day care as soon as it turns 3.  Do you know how many pre-schools have waiting lists?  The Alsoone in my neighborhood isn't even accepting in-bounds children because so many people applied for the free daycare.  It's extremely competitive.  Have you thought about what you'll do if your kid doesn't get into one of the free pre-schools?  (pre-school is not guaranteed in DC)

Also, you're 40 and only have $35K saved?  That is nowhere near enough.  You should have more than half your annual salary in retirement savings by now.  You need to take care of yourself before you even think of bringing another human being into this world. 

Sorry to be such a downer, but because of my history, I 100% believe that choosing to be single parent is incredibly selfish.

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #69 on: March 16, 2018, 09:58:21 PM »
I appreciate everyone's concern here and from what I've seen, it's mostly warnings and they're all welcomed! There are however cases of single mothers (not by choice) that I personally know who raised their kids and (although hard and making a fourth of what I make), they managed. The kids are around and the tough times have passed. I am not going to be deterred or scared by a few (3-4) years of hard work. I know hard work and used to it.
Thank you!

There are plenty of single moms who have managed.  And plenty of kids of single moms who did "just fine".  But do you really want a situation where you "just manage" or your kids do "okay"?  You want your children to thrive and that's why people do everything in their power to give their children every advantage.  Choosing to have a child alone gives the child an immediate disadvantage.   I've been there, having a father that died at a young age.  I can't even begin to express the hole that was left.  Yes, I'm happy.  Yes, I'm successful, Yes, everything worked out okay in the end.  But it's not the same. 

If you're thinking that it's only 3-4 years of hard work and in DC, I can only assume that you're thinking that you'll plop your kid in DC's free day care as soon as it turns 3.  Do you know how many pre-schools have waiting lists?  The Alsoone in my neighborhood isn't even accepting in-bounds children because so many people applied for the free daycare.  It's extremely competitive.  Have you thought about what you'll do if your kid doesn't get into one of the free pre-schools?  (pre-school is not guaranteed in DC)

Also, you're 40 and only have $35K saved?  That is nowhere near enough.  You should have more than half your annual salary in retirement savings by now.  You need to take care of yourself before you even think of bringing another human being into this world. 

Sorry to be such a downer, but because of my history, I 100% believe that choosing to be single parent is incredibly selfish.

My momma always taught me 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it'. I mean, did you really think I needed to read yet another post (#70?) that's judging me to be selfish, unable to save, incompetent making good life decisions, a huge risk-taker, an imperfect human being that wants a baby that I could provide a 'just-ok' life to, instead of a 'thriving life', as if having a baby is a massive liability and I'm better off not doing it. Please save me your holier-than-thou 2 cents. I, too lost my father when I was young and lived through hell growing up, but grew up to be a well adjusted, loving person who takes care of her family and friends, and contributes to the human race positively. Of all people here, you should know that no matter how much you prepare, life doesn't guarantee every single one of us a rosy outcome (both you and I lost our fathers at a young age!). How about other intangible things such as love? Is having a kid not worth experiencing that? Must I really put all the expenses of having a child ahead of all the beautiful experiences of being a parent and decide from that perspective? I am not buying a car; I am having a baby. Of course I will have a child if that's what I wish (irresponsibly so in many people's eyes, I know!).

And to close this - for the millionth time, this post wasn't asking for advice *if* to have a baby or not but if to refinance my student loans *while* I am getting ready to have a baby, but many people here found it imperative to offer their life advice.

« Last Edit: March 16, 2018, 10:35:18 PM by Eva_Eva »

mjr

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 264
  • Age: 53
  • Location: Brisbane, Qld
  • Retired at 52
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #70 on: March 17, 2018, 01:30:13 AM »
71 !

Dicey

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9467
  • Age: 61
  • Location: NorCal
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #71 on: March 17, 2018, 07:31:56 AM »
My momma always taught me 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it'...
Apparently, your momma doesn't know the Way of the Mustache.

And to close this - for the millionth time, this post wasn't asking for advice *if* to have a baby or not but if to refinance my student loans *while* I am getting ready to have a baby, but many people here found it imperative to offer their life advice.
And I am out of patience with you, Eva_Eva. Please READ your own journal title! You asked for help but your mind is clearly made up. Why did you post this on MMM and not on a parenting/pregnancy site?  Please consider your personal elephant in the room. You make $130k, have massive student debt and only $35k saved. You seriously couldn't have predicted the response you'd get here?

A lot of people have posted passionate replies on both sides of the issue based on their own real-life experiences and you dare to chastise them for taking the time to help you? Finances aside, the fact that you chose not to consider having children until now is something that you clearly are unwilling to accept responsibility for. Please stop trying to convince us how easily you will conceive. To the many who struggle with infertility, your blithe assumptions are daggers to the heart.

Now is probably a good time to leave here and go live your best life. I sincerely hope all your dreams come true.

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #72 on: March 17, 2018, 12:13:27 PM »
My momma always taught me 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it'...
Apparently, your momma doesn't know the Way of the Mustache.

And to close this - for the millionth time, this post wasn't asking for advice *if* to have a baby or not but if to refinance my student loans *while* I am getting ready to have a baby, but many people here found it imperative to offer their life advice.
And I am out of patience with you, Eva_Eva. Please READ your own journal title! You asked for help but your mind is clearly made up. Why did you post this on MMM and not on a parenting/pregnancy site?  Please consider your personal elephant in the room. You make $130k, have massive student debt and only $35k saved. You seriously couldn't have predicted the response you'd get here?

A lot of people have posted passionate replies on both sides of the issue based on their own real-life experiences and you dare to chastise them for taking the time to help you? Finances aside, the fact that you chose not to consider having children until now is something that you clearly are unwilling to accept responsibility for. Please stop trying to convince us how easily you will conceive. To the many who struggle with infertility, your blithe assumptions are daggers to the heart.

Now is probably a good time to leave here and go live your best life. I sincerely hope all your dreams come true.

@Dicey

Two things:

1. My momma lost two husbands in her life (my sisterís to an accident and my father to cancer), yet she managed to raise 3 kids on her own ó one high up in the Dept of Education in a country in Europe, another running a successful business in this country, and myself - a public service employee sacrificing a lot for this country... and the three of us all have helped her financially along the way (perhaps the reason I didnít save as much as I should have?)

2. If you really are done throwing stones, why come here and continue speaking from high up on a pedestal without knowing all facts, as if my family and I should have known better and try our best to not go through such tragedies... oh how dare we not prepare and save every penny we ever made while we buried our loved ones???

And with that, I wish you none of the heartbreak my family and I went through but a wonderful weekend!! And donít forget... keep saving that $$$ at all costs, including your family!

Money over people ó always!

MrThatsDifferent

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1286
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #73 on: March 17, 2018, 04:09:53 PM »
Ok, Iíll bite. I would refinance the loan to get the lowest interest rate possible immediately and then pay the minimum amount until the child is in 1st grade and then I would take whatever I had been paying in childcare and add that to the minimum payments.

BlueHouse

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2869
  • Location: WDC
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #74 on: March 17, 2018, 04:17:45 PM »
You can and likely will do whatever you want to do.  Once you have a kid, then I'll wish you the best of luck.  But because you've asked for financial advice, I'm going to tell you what I think.  You are woefully unprepared and you are unrealistic about what it takes to raise a child AND remain independent. 
Want to prove me wrong?
Where do you live?  Own or rent?  how much is it?  How much will your new place be after the kid?  What will you do if your mother is unable to babysit for you?  (from age 0 to age 12)?  How much time do you get off of work for personal/sick/vacation time?  Do you know that when you have to take days off for your child, that counts toward your own PTO? 

More questions: 
Are you the type of person who has boundless energy?  Can go without sleep?  Never sits down?  Is always serving other people who ARE sitting down?  Because that's pretty much what you'd be signing up for...for a really long time.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2018, 04:20:53 PM by BlueHouse »

MrThatsDifferent

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1286
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #75 on: March 17, 2018, 04:57:23 PM »
You can and likely will do whatever you want to do.  Once you have a kid, then I'll wish you the best of luck.  But because you've asked for financial advice, I'm going to tell you what I think.  You are woefully unprepared and you are unrealistic about what it takes to raise a child AND remain independent. 
Want to prove me wrong?
Where do you live?  Own or rent?  how much is it?  How much will your new place be after the kid?  What will you do if your mother is unable to babysit for you?  (from age 0 to age 12)?  How much time do you get off of work for personal/sick/vacation time?  Do you know that when you have to take days off for your child, that counts toward your own PTO? 

More questions: 
Are you the type of person who has boundless energy?  Can go without sleep?  Never sits down?  Is always serving other people who ARE sitting down?  Because that's pretty much what you'd be signing up for...for a really long time.

Iím going to have to agree with the OP here, you all arenít being helpful, youíre just dog-piling at this point. My mother was a single mother. We were poor, no savings, no $130k yr job. As I finished high school she got a gov job with great benefits. Anyways, we survived. There are millions of people far less financially equipped having children. Iím all about waiting for the right moment, but at 40, her time is rapidly coming to a close for kids naturally. Will it be tough? Absolutely. Do you have to live her life? No.

Sailor Sam

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3981
  • Age: 38
  • Location: Steel Beach
  • Semper...something
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #76 on: March 17, 2018, 05:05:41 PM »
<snip>  for the millionth time, this post wasn't asking for advice *if* to have a baby or not but if to refinance my student loans *while* I am getting ready to have a baby, but many people here found it imperative to offer their life advice.

You should maximize the amount of cash coming in, and save it as aggressively as possible. Your stated preference for not creating contingency plans means you're going to need mountains of 'sudden but inevitable emergency' cash.

firelight

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1062
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #77 on: March 18, 2018, 05:37:48 AM »
Eva_eva, for your question about student loans, please don't refinance or pay more now. Put the extra you would've paid in a savings account, have the baby, get the baby to first or second grade and then pay off the student loans. This way, you'll have flexibility with your money.

Good luck with your baby journey!

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #78 on: March 18, 2018, 07:49:32 AM »
Eva_eva, for your question about student loans, please don't refinance or pay more now. Put the extra you would've paid in a savings account, have the baby, get the baby to first or second grade and then pay off the student loans. This way, you'll have flexibility with your money.

Good luck with your baby journey!

It's the conclusion I've arrive to, as well! Thank you for taking the time to post!

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #79 on: March 18, 2018, 07:52:20 AM »
Ok, Iíll bite. I would refinance the loan to get the lowest interest rate possible immediately and then pay the minimum amount until the child is in 1st grade and then I would take whatever I had been paying in childcare and add that to the minimum payments.

The lowest possible rate sets me for a $2,000/month obligation for 5 years, presumably as I am getting ready to give birth - not the best scenario. The consensus is to hold off on refinancing until the kid is older (5 yo?) and *then* refi but still pay into it as much as possible.

Thank you!

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #80 on: March 18, 2018, 08:00:02 AM »
<snip>  for the millionth time, this post wasn't asking for advice *if* to have a baby or not but if to refinance my student loans *while* I am getting ready to have a baby, but many people here found it imperative to offer their life advice.

You should maximize the amount of cash coming in, and save it as aggressively as possible. Your stated preference for not creating contingency plans means you're going to need mountains of 'sudden but inevitable emergency' cash.

'My stated preference for not creating contingency plans' isn't accurate. My plans are already into play - switched jobs for better insurance that covers everything on this journey, switched jobs to get the most PTO possible (over one month), moved from the suburbs to DC because DC has 8 week paid leave (most generous in the country), sold my car so that I can save (will eventually get a cheaper one when the baby arrives), moving into a less expensive not in the heart of DC (but more spacious, for when the baby arrives and I'll need my mom and/or a nanny here), and other cost-cutting efforts.  My number one plan is to save as much cash as possible - I still have 1.5 years until the baby arrives of nothing but aggressive saving so I will wait to refinance a few years and go from there. Who's to say I won't be meeting someone (perhaps with a child?) and combine our living situations and finances? I just don't know. I am NOT planning to be alone for the rest of my life but at 40, I just can't wait to get my financial life in perfect order and have a $100K stashed under the mattress before I have a baby. That's what people don't seem to get... and this coming from a woman whose tests are showing ZERO concerns about being able to conceive with IUI/IVF.

Thank you!

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #81 on: March 18, 2018, 08:09:16 AM »
You can and likely will do whatever you want to do.  Once you have a kid, then I'll wish you the best of luck.  But because you've asked for financial advice, I'm going to tell you what I think.  You are woefully unprepared and you are unrealistic about what it takes to raise a child AND remain independent. 
Want to prove me wrong?
Where do you live?  Own or rent?  how much is it?  How much will your new place be after the kid?  What will you do if your mother is unable to babysit for you?  (from age 0 to age 12)?  How much time do you get off of work for personal/sick/vacation time?  Do you know that when you have to take days off for your child, that counts toward your own PTO? 

More questions: 
Are you the type of person who has boundless energy? YES Can go without sleep? YES Never sits down? YES Is always serving other people who ARE sitting down? YES Because that's pretty much what you'd be signing up for...for a really long time.

Iím going to have to agree with the OP here, you all arenít being helpful, youíre just dog-piling at this point. My mother was a single mother. We were poor, no savings, no $130k yr job. As I finished high school she got a gov job with great benefits. Anyways, we survived. There are millions of people far less financially equipped having children. Iím all about waiting for the right moment, but at 40, her time is rapidly coming to a close for kids naturally. Will it be tough? Absolutely. Do you have to live her life? No.

'Tough' doesn't scare me. Fear isn't a word I live by, but hard work is something I *am* used to. I still think I am in a better position than many single mothers out there (not by choice) that have done a great job raising good kids. Tough - yes! Impossible - haha this is becoming hilarious, at this point. If everyone thought the way the majority of people on here think, we'd be a dying species.
Obama's father left his then wife, and Barak turned out to be a pretty incredible person. To this day he values the work his single mother did in order to raise him. I see men and women coming from broken families or raised by single parents every single day, and many of them are great human beings. It's up to the single parent to decide how much effort goes into raising the child as much as they are able and capable, but that's a personal decision, not a financial one - you either want to give all or you don't. Sure money makes it easier but you could still take you kid to the public library for daily reading classes and be involved, and not be a dead-beat parent that's constantly in between jobs, an alcoholic, etc...
My time justifying my life choices is done here. People will judge and speak from high up a pedestal and throw rocks at you no matter what. All good!
« Last Edit: March 18, 2018, 08:11:47 AM by Eva_Eva »

Freckles

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5472
  • Age: 2014
  • Location: West Coast, USA
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #82 on: March 18, 2018, 01:20:39 PM »
Gosh, people are harsh. I'm sorry for that, Eva. I personally admire the way you are certain about what you want, what you will go through to get it, your optimism, and the planning you've put into it so far. I'm also glad I never asked this forum what they thought about my procreation plans!

Good luck to you with your baby dreams. I'm sure you will be a wonderful mother. I wish you all the best.

Bee21

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 524
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #83 on: March 19, 2018, 04:13:12 AM »
Um, the previous thread was locked for a very good reason. I am mighty surprised that this one is still here.

This somewhat starts to remind me of the beatles thread. Am I the only one suspecting trolling?

 If op is a real person (right now I doubt she is a 40 yo immigrant making 130k, but whatever) I wish her well. Otherwise, I think we should stop wasting our time in this thread. She does not need or want our advice, financial or lifestyle. Move on people.

Eva_Eva

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
  • Location: Washington, DC, United States
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #84 on: March 19, 2018, 05:33:16 AM »
Um, the previous thread was locked for a very good reason. I am mighty surprised that this one is still here.

This somewhat starts to remind me of the beatles thread. Am I the only one suspecting trolling?

 If op is a real person (right now I doubt she is a 40 yo immigrant making 130k, but whatever) I wish her well. Otherwise, I think we should stop wasting our time in this thread. She does not need or want our advice, financial or lifestyle. Move on people.

Are you serious???  The other thread was locked because people got 'nasty' and someone I know reported those comments. So yea, I am real - someone here knows me in real life, and can attest to everything I said... But, I guess your life *is* that boring that you felt you needed to come here and add to this already toxic conversation. But, this was a good learning lessons in how vile strangers can be - those 'armchair warriors'.
 

firelight

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1062
Re: Have a baby on my own or aggressively pay off student loans... or both?
« Reply #85 on: March 19, 2018, 06:10:05 AM »
Just checked out the other thread. Why are you copy pasting your replies???