Econdiva 2022 update (to "Buying a Parent a Home" thread)

[former player]

I'm going to say here that I'm old, older than your mother.  I grew up in a small agricultural and Christian religious village in rural England in the 1960s, my older relatives and family friends were people who were born when Victoria was on the throne of England.

The path your therapist appears to be pushing you down will have the effect that I saw in that village: the dutiful daughter who stayed at home to look after older relatives and as a result never had a career, never got married, and when the persons they were looking after died were too old and tired to do anything else and spent the rest of their lives living at poverty level in the place they grew up in and rarely left.  And it was never the men, always the women.

I cannot feel more strongly that if you let it this is the fate that will be waiting for you.  You have already given up your home and your place of escape from an unhappy childhood.  You are imperilling the job and career that have brought you a modest prosperity and the possibility of a comfortable retirement of your own.  But you have no-one who would do for you what you are being pressured to do for your mother, and if you are not careful to put your own interests first at this stage then I think you could well end up on track to be in the same crappy nursing facility that your mother is currently in but without anyone coming in from the outside to check on you and make sure that you get at least a basic level of care and treatment.

I think that you need to find a new therapist, one who will not press their own religious dogma onto you.  Preferably a feminist one who will be able to point out to you the inequities and discrimination that are inherent in the path you are going down, and the sad results that going down that path has had for generations of women before you.  The sacrifice of losing you as a patient will be an appropriate sacrifice for your current therapist in learning to put her patient's interests before her own as an evangelist.

Do, please, "put your own seatbelt on first" in this situation.  That means keeping your job and reserving the time and energy to do it to the standard necessary.  It means not ever sharing a home with your mentally ill and severely disabled hoarding mother.  And it means looking to your own future, financially and economically, because you are the only person who will do that and make sure that it is secure and comfortable.   You can still avoid the fate of those elderly relatives of mine the restrictions of whose lives still haunts me.

[Weisass]

Long time lurker,  coming out of the shadows.

I’m sitting here reading this and full of compassion for your situation. And when I read that part of you struggle relates to your faith and your convictions, I felt called to say something. I’m a pastor of a Protestant church, and I want to affirm some of what you are struggling with, and ask questions about others.

Regarding @Sandi_k ’s question about why does Christianity so often disempower women, to that I would say it isn’t so much a Christian problem as a patriarchy problem. Patriarchy disempowers women and denies them the right to live as human beings that don’t simply exist to help others. Christianity has its own patriarchal history, but it isn’t inherent to Christianity. It’s a symptom of innate human sinfulness.

With respect to suffering, I wonder whether you might be gentle with yourself, and imagine what Jesus might do if he were here with you right now. One thing that Jesus does, over and over again in the gospels, is offer healing and wholeness, but he asks. “Do you want to be made well” is a question that pops up in the gospels, and not everyone takes him up on it. So much of his ministry was focused on freeing the vulnerable from the captivity of illness, poverty, misunderstanding, and more. Perhaps it might be meaningful to ask yourself “in what ways am I stuck here, or being held in captivity, by this situation? How might Jesus free me for health and wholeness?” I think it is possible to give of yourself and be there for your mom, in other words, without falling into the trap of trying to be Jesus for her. Being Christian does not mean that you have to be a martyr.

[mozar]

I didn’t describe this in the best words and it’s not a comprehensive look into every thought I have about this situation and how my faith is playing a role in what I do/don’t do but I hope it makes ‘some’ sense.

You are explaining yourself just fine. We understand what you are saying. There’s just no support here on this thread for hurting yourself.

[lhamo]

Another angle that might be worth viewing this issue through:

If you sacrifice yourself -- your career, your health (mental and physical), your hard-won autonomy and independence as and adult -- to save your mother (or any other individual who is in a sad situation as a result of poor choices that they are unlikely to be willing/able to change at this point....

...how many OTHER people will you not be in a position to help down the road because you will be too depleted (emotionally, financially, physically, practically) to offer anything to them?

[EconDiva]

Another angle that might be worth viewing this issue through:

If you sacrifice yourself -- your career, your health (mental and physical), your hard-won autonomy and independence as and adult -- to save your mother (or any other individual who is in a sad situation as a result of poor choices that they are unlikely to be willing/able to change at this point....

...how many OTHER people will you not be in a position to help down the road because you will be too depleted (emotionally, financially, physically, practically) to offer anything to them?

I actually explicitly addressed this in my post from yesterday (stated boundaries are in order, I don’t believe in sacrificing to the point you can’t any longer be any good to yourself or others).

[iris lily]

I didn’t describe this in the best words and it’s not a comprehensive look into every thought I have about this situation and how my faith is playing a role in what I do/don’t do but I hope it makes ‘some’ sense.

You are explaining yourself just fine. We understand what you are saying. There’s just no support here on this thread for hurting yourself.

I wonder when the OP will realize that the support she is providing to her mother, overseeing social services, overseeing her stay in nursing home skilled care, overseeing finances,*IS*caretaking.???

[iris lily]

Econdiva, I wish you well in this very difficult situation.

There are I don’t understand about this situation but they are so minor, it  doesn’t really matter. I DO understand your mother needs care by other people and you’re not able to get a version of that that you might like. She needs to stay in the skilled nursing facility as long as they will have her. That is her best option. She needs to take her drugs. If she doesn’t take them that is on her.

I don’t understand your conflict in being angry with your mother‘s behavior and thinking she brought it on herself. Obviously she DID bring it on herself. We all bring stuff on ourselves. That doesn’t mean we don’t deserve compassion and understanding, nor does it mean everyone has to pick up the pieces that we let  fall.

It seems you did move from Georgia to SC? I’m so confused because early in May I didn’t think that was going to happen. But whatever.

I also don’t understand what your work colleague suggesting about “going out on disability. “How can you go out of disability? Also I have to assume this point that your work as long distance? It’s all very confusing to me, but do not feel compelled to answer these questions I’m just musing.

[mozar]

Your mother could be disabled and bedridden for the next 30 years. You’re  not going to be able to help your mom long term if you don’t preserve your mental health and your career. That might mean traveling and keeping tabs on the snf by calling. That might mean gradually visiting less often.

You might think you can provide better care at home. You actually can’t. You will become negligent because of sheer exhaustion. You won’t be any better at getting her to take her meds because she will be fighting you.
My dad tried to take care of my grandmother (living with her) when she was dying of cancer, and he literally couldn’t. He had hired help and quit his job. He had to place her in a facility.

[EconDiva]

Econdiva, I wish you well in this very difficult situation.

There are I don’t understand about this situation but they are so minor, it  doesn’t really matter. I DO understand your mother needs care by other people and you’re not able to get a version of that that you might like. She needs to stay in the skilled nursing facility as long as they will have her. That is her best option. She needs to take her drugs. If she doesn’t take them that is on her.

I don’t understand your conflict in being angry with your mother‘s behavior and thinking she brought it on herself. Obviously she DID bring it on herself. We all bring stuff on ourselves. That doesn’t mean we don’t deserve compassion and understanding, nor does it mean everyone has to pick up the pieces that we let  fall.

It seems you did move from Georgia to SC? I’m so confused because early in May I didn’t think that was going to happen. But whatever.

I also don’t understand what your work colleague suggesting about “going out on disability. “How can you go out of disability? Also I have to assume this point that your work as long distance? It’s all very confusing to me, but do not feel compelled to answer these questions I’m just musing.

Sorry if I am missing some posts because I’m obviously at the nursing home a lot right now and frequently typing on my phone. I’ll come back to other posts when I can. My mom’s pressure is elevating so between my aunt and I were are having to come up and literally see her meds being given else they usually aren’t being given at all.  Meeting with the care team here tomorrow again to try to get this sorted out.

She takes her drugs. The problem is not her taking them. The problem is the facility is not giving them to her when we are not there. 

I agree with your statement about people who make mistakes still deserving compassion.  Also agree that everyone doesn’t have to pick up the pieces. I hope people understand that is exactly why I didn’t take her in when she lost her home officially in January and why she went with my aunt. What others may not realize is my aunt has made it clear she doesn’t want her returning to her place post stroke.

I did move here to SC. Last week. I’m staying at a friends place and renting her home from her. I have her house to myself.

I work remotely which I’ve been doing for 5 years. My colleague was suggesting going out on short term disability due to stress. Supposedly I’d still get 60% of pay doing so as she has a direct report who has done this recently. I honestly haven’t even looked into yet.

[EconDiva]

Your mother could be disabled and bedridden for the next 30 years. You’re  not going to be able to help your mom long term if you don’t preserve your mental health and your career. That might mean traveling and keeping tabs on the snf by calling. That might mean gradually visiting less often.

You might think you can provide better care at home. You actually can’t. You will become negligent because of sheer exhaustion. You won’t be any better at getting her to take her meds because she will be fighting you.
My dad tried to take care of my grandmother (living with her) when she was dying of cancer, and he literally couldn’t. He had hired help and quit his job. He had to place her in a facility.

I absolutely do not think I can provide better care at home. She would never have came to a nursing home if I thought that.

[EconDiva]

I didn’t describe this in the best words and it’s not a comprehensive look into every thought I have about this situation and how my faith is playing a role in what I do/don’t do but I hope it makes ‘some’ sense.

You are explaining yourself just fine. We understand what you are saying. There’s just no support here on this thread for hurting yourself.

I wonder when the OP will realize that the support she is providing to her mother, overseeing social services, overseeing her stay in nursing home skilled care, overseeing finances,*IS*caretaking.???

I do indeed acknowledge that I’m already participating in many caretaking types of activities. We are way too early in this process for me to back away from everything. She just got to the nursing home 5 days ago and they can’t even get her meds straight yet. She’s still in a quarantine room and not a real room. (They converted a room and claimed she had to quarantine when the truth is they don’t have enough beds to place her anywhere yet). If we weren’t here overseeing the meds piece she probably would get no meds any day of the week and would be at high risk of another stroke.

[Weisass]

There is nothing easy or simple about where you are @EconDiva . I hope it helps to know you have people in your corner here, come what may. You got this.

[EconDiva]

I'm going to say here that I'm old, older than your mother.  I grew up in a small agricultural and Christian religious village in rural England in the 1960s, my older relatives and family friends were people who were born when Victoria was on the throne of England.

The path your therapist appears to be pushing you down will have the effect that I saw in that village: the dutiful daughter who stayed at home to look after older relatives and as a result never had a career, never got married, and when the persons they were looking after died were too old and tired to do anything else and spent the rest of their lives living at poverty level in the place they grew up in and rarely left.  And it was never the men, always the women.

I cannot feel more strongly that if you let it this is the fate that will be waiting for you.  You have already given up your home and your place of escape from an unhappy childhood.  You are imperilling the job and career that have brought you a modest prosperity and the possibility of a comfortable retirement of your own.  But you have no-one who would do for you what you are being pressured to do for your mother, and if you are not careful to put your own interests first at this stage then I think you could well end up on track to be in the same crappy nursing facility that your mother is currently in but without anyone coming in from the outside to check on you and make sure that you get at least a basic level of care and treatment.

I think that you need to find a new therapist, one who will not press their own religious dogma onto you.  Preferably a feminist one who will be able to point out to you the inequities and discrimination that are inherent in the path you are going down, and the sad results that going down that path has had for generations of women before you.  The sacrifice of losing you as a patient will be an appropriate sacrifice for your current therapist in learning to put her patient's interests before her own as an evangelist.

Do, please, "put your own seatbelt on first" in this situation.  That means keeping your job and reserving the time and energy to do it to the standard necessary.  It means not ever sharing a home with your mentally ill and severely disabled hoarding mother.  And it means looking to your own future, financially and economically, because you are the only person who will do that and make sure that it is secure and comfortable.   You can still avoid the fate of those elderly relatives of mine the restrictions of whose lives still haunts me.

Circling back on some of these posts -

The bolded above really did hit hard but it's true. 

Of note, I had actually recently taken a bit of a break from my therapist.  Another note; I specifically sought out a Christian therapist as I wanted someone who could come from a Christian POV.  I do believe she typically offers good advisement but I do not agree w/everything that's for sure.  I did actually touch bases with her last week after taking this recent break, and surprisingly she had a suggestion to actually attempt to move my mom further away from 'family' as she was making a point (summarizing here) that basically my interactions with the one (or two) family members I do interact with are detrimental to me.

I'm still struggling with work but that has been a problem for decades now and is obviously being compounded by the current situation.  (Likely why I initially found the FIRE crowd - my lifelong struggles with work.)  I recognize I've got to get a grip on this asap and it's going to be the primary topic for discussion with my therapist over the coming weeks fyi. 

I appreciate your advice and support and do acknowledge the importance of me keeping myself going right now.  I have had to say 'no' to my mom when it's 8 pm and she asks me to stay until she gets put to bed (which could be 10, 11 pm).  I have had to pick my stuff up and walk away during days where she gets really irritable because I know I am irritable too and don't want to escalate a situation.  I have had to consider maybe taking 1-2 sick days a month when needed, prepare for perhaps taking more FMLA and even consider being removed from one or two small projects at work to keep myself sane.  I've had to tell myself lately that my priorities right now (well outside of trying to get the most important work done at my job on a daily basis) are to sleep, eat reasonably and go to the gym 3-6 days a week.  These are literally some of my highest priorities right now and although they seem basic, on days that none of those things happen it really impacts me.

[EconDiva]

Long time lurker,  coming out of the shadows.

I’m sitting here reading this and full of compassion for your situation. And when I read that part of you struggle relates to your faith and your convictions, I felt called to say something. I’m a pastor of a Protestant church, and I want to affirm some of what you are struggling with, and ask questions about others.

Regarding @Sandi_k ’s question about why does Christianity so often disempower women, to that I would say it isn’t so much a Christian problem as a patriarchy problem. Patriarchy disempowers women and denies them the right to live as human beings that don’t simply exist to help others. Christianity has its own patriarchal history, but it isn’t inherent to Christianity. It’s a symptom of innate human sinfulness.

With respect to suffering, I wonder whether you might be gentle with yourself, and imagine what Jesus might do if he were here with you right now. One thing that Jesus does, over and over again in the gospels, is offer healing and wholeness, but he asks. “Do you want to be made well” is a question that pops up in the gospels, and not everyone takes him up on it. So much of his ministry was focused on freeing the vulnerable from the captivity of illness, poverty, misunderstanding, and more. Perhaps it might be meaningful to ask yourself “in what ways am I stuck here, or being held in captivity, by this situation? How might Jesus free me for health and wholeness?” I think it is possible to give of yourself and be there for your mom, in other words, without falling into the trap of trying to be Jesus for her. Being Christian does not mean that you have to be a martyr.

Thank you for coming out of lurkdom to respond in this thread. 

The last (bolded) statement you made really hit me hard because when this whole situation was unfolding my therapist had made this statement asking if I can see the martyrdom in some of the statements I was making.  Which struck me because I don't want to be a martyr.  I honestly just want to continue living an independent life, be financially sound and retire at a reasonable age while being able to travel.  I want all of that but 'also' want my mom to have the best care that is possible and reasonable considering her situation.  I really don't want to sacrifice myself or everything about my life so to speak in the process.

I haven't been reading my bible lately I admit.  I need to.  If you have any names of people in the Bible that said 'no' to Jesus offering them help/healing, please share.  Was the rich man one (the one that Jesus stated to sell all his possessions but then he turned away after being told this)?

You've posed some VERY good questions that I will be pondering on for quite some time I think.  I am grateful for the encouragement you've also provided by mentioning finding balance in giving of myself without trying to be Jesus for my mom.  That is what I am trying to navigate right now. 

[iluvzbeach]

EvonDiva, I was so glad to see the poster who mentioned being a martyr because I was having the same thoughts.

Regarding this comment of yours: “I want all of that but 'also' want my mom to have the best care that is possible and reasonable considering her situation.  I really don't want to sacrifice myself or everything about my life so to speak in the process.” - I strongly feel this is what she’s currently getting. It may not be an ideal situation, or the one you’d want for yourself, but it IS the best possible care considering her situation. Please feel at peace in that regard.

[EconDiva]

There is nothing easy or simple about where you are @EconDiva . I hope it helps to know you have people in your corner here, come what may. You got this.

I really do appreciate the empathetic and kind words.

[EconDiva]

EvonDiva, I was so glad to see the poster who mentioned being a martyr because I was having the same thoughts.

Regarding this comment of yours: “I want all of that but 'also' want my mom to have the best care that is possible and reasonable considering her situation.  I really don't want to sacrifice myself or everything about my life so to speak in the process.” - I strongly feel this is what she’s currently getting. It may not be an ideal situation, or the one you’d want for yourself, but it IS the best possible care considering her situation. Please feel at peace in that regard.

You know...

You're right.  It's not ideal.  By far.  It's so far from what I'd want for her.  Or like you said for myself.  (I do guess it could be worse.)

The feeling at peace part about all of this..that  requires some more work on my end I guess.

[Weisass]

Long time lurker,  coming out of the shadows.

I’m sitting here reading this and full of compassion for your situation. And when I read that part of you struggle relates to your faith and your convictions, I felt called to say something. I’m a pastor of a Protestant church, and I want to affirm some of what you are struggling with, and ask questions about others.

Regarding @Sandi_k ’s question about why does Christianity so often disempower women, to that I would say it isn’t so much a Christian problem as a patriarchy problem. Patriarchy disempowers women and denies them the right to live as human beings that don’t simply exist to help others. Christianity has its own patriarchal history, but it isn’t inherent to Christianity. It’s a symptom of innate human sinfulness.

With respect to suffering, I wonder whether you might be gentle with yourself, and imagine what Jesus might do if he were here with you right now. One thing that Jesus does, over and over again in the gospels, is offer healing and wholeness, but he asks. “Do you want to be made well” is a question that pops up in the gospels, and not everyone takes him up on it. So much of his ministry was focused on freeing the vulnerable from the captivity of illness, poverty, misunderstanding, and more. Perhaps it might be meaningful to ask yourself “in what ways am I stuck here, or being held in captivity, by this situation? How might Jesus free me for health and wholeness?” I think it is possible to give of yourself and be there for your mom, in other words, without falling into the trap of trying to be Jesus for her. Being Christian does not mean that you have to be a martyr.

Thank you for coming out of lurkdom to respond in this thread. 

The last (bolded) statement you made really hit me hard because when this whole situation was unfolding my therapist had made this statement asking if I can see the martyrdom in some of the statements I was making.  Which struck me because I don't want to be a martyr.  I honestly just want to continue living an independent life, be financially sound and retire at a reasonable age while being able to travel.  I want all of that but 'also' want my mom to have the best care that is possible and reasonable considering her situation.  I really don't want to sacrifice myself or everything about my life so to speak in the process.

I haven't been reading my bible lately I admit.  I need to.  If you have any names of people in the Bible that said 'no' to Jesus offering them help/healing, please share.  Was the rich man one (the one that Jesus stated to sell all his possessions but then he turned away after being told this)?

You've posed some VERY good questions that I will be pondering on for quite some time I think.  I am grateful for the encouragement you've also provided by mentioning finding balance in giving of myself without trying to be Jesus for my mom.  That is what I am trying to navigate right now.

Well, there are lots of examples in johns gospel of folks who don’t ask for the help jesus offers. When I typed the above, I was thinking of the man at the pool of bethsaida (or Bethesda, or bethzatha depending on your translation). Or consider the woman at the well. None of them ask for Jesus’ help. In the case of the man at the pool, Jesus asks the man if he wants to be made well, and the man’s response is to complain about how nobody lets him into the pool. So he doesn’t even answer the question. In the book of acts, Paul and the apostles heal a girl with a demon, and they are run out of town because she made money with her possession. All this to say, those stories are complicated, just like the people we love are. Jesus didn’t get universal love and acclaim for his ministry- he died on a cross for it. And however you feel about that sacrifice, it’s clear that Jesus expected us to do good, even suffer for it at times, but the dying part was his alone.

[EconDiva]

Just checking in with a short update:

As far as my mom, there hasn't been much progress since going to the nursing home.  I did spend a day with her in therapy and the therapists do seem to do a great job with her.  I hope and pray for future progress and appreciate others' prayers as well.  When I log off from work I often times 'stall' before going to the nursing home as I just sit there and cry because it's honestly just SO hard seeing her this way physically along with the conditions in which she's living.  I have more work to do in terms of being able to see things in a more positive light.

I'm looking for a caregiver that can visit with her in the home.  I've been going less frequently and have some guilt about it, but I am realizing I need to prioritize myself 'more'.  My boss recently did have a "talk" with me (sigh) and it was along the lines of my decline in performance and that I should consider going on leave.  I decided for myself however not to do it because I can't afford to decrease my hours or to go out on unpaid leave.  I am trying to turn work around and do better as I 'need' to continue to get a paycheck.  If I fail at doing this, I fail, but I've decided to try.  So, now I only see my mom after work hours and on weekends, I'm not making many calls anymore during work hours to handle things related to her situation, etc.  I am trying to prioritize work more right now; I am also coming to a place of 'acceptance' with respect to 'IF' I can't make work 'work', then it's ok because things are challenging right now, and there will always be another job or means of making money.

I recently came to learn (through random Youtube videos that popped up in my feed of all places) that my aunt has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and with respect to that situation I have decided to 'go no contact' with her (likely using the 'gray rock' method/approach until we're at a place where I can reasonably achieve 'no contact' completely).  It's been interesting learning about the condition because it describes her 110% and now I understand SO much more about my family, my mother's 'trauma bonding' with my aunt, etc. etc.  Learning about her disorder has helped me to feel more confident in my decision-making regarding her - helping me to understand how much 'hurt people really do hurt other people', and ultimately helping me understand the importance of forgiveness WHILE distancing myself in order to prioritize my own health and my mom's because I love myself and its healthy and reasonable for me to call narcissistic abuse 'abuse', and to prioritize my own self-preservation by protecting myself from such abuse.


Ultimately I've been a bit quiet because I have not been feeling too well physically for a minute.  I'm not sure if it's stress catching up or what but some previous issues from last year that magically went away have returned and remained persistent...so I got a new/local doctor and hope to figure out what's going on for good this time.

As I recently had some concerns regarding 'losing myself' with the current situation, I have decided I just might go on a short trip or two between now and end of year to get away, relax/de-stress and get a massage or two lol.  We shall see if I can make it happen :)

[former player]

I get that things are still hard, and I'm sorry to hear about the physical problems, but I think your attitude to what you are realistically able to do for your mother is absolutely right, and I'm so relieved that you have arrived at the conclusions you have.

Sorry to hear that your aunt has NPD, but recognising that's what it is and putting a way of dealing with it into place is a good thing.

[iris lily]

Wow, good show Econ diva! It sounds as though you were putting into place all the mental health actions this group would recommend for you. Good for you.

[change_seeker]

Thanks for the update, self-care is important!

[Malum Prohibitum]

My boss recently did have a "talk" with me (sigh) and it was along the lines of my decline in performance and that I should consider going on leave.  I decided for myself however not to do it because I can't afford to decrease my hours or to go out on unpaid leave.  I am trying to turn work around and do better as I 'need' to continue to get a paycheck.  If I fail at doing this, I fail, but I've decided to try.  So, now I only see my mom after work hours and on weekends, I'm not making many calls anymore during work hours to handle things related to her situation, etc.  I am trying to prioritize work more right now; I am also coming to a place of 'acceptance' with respect to 'IF' I can't make work 'work', then it's ok because things are challenging right now, and there will always be another job or means of making money.

How is work going now?

[EconDiva]

My boss recently did have a "talk" with me (sigh) and it was along the lines of my decline in performance and that I should consider going on leave.  I decided for myself however not to do it because I can't afford to decrease my hours or to go out on unpaid leave.  I am trying to turn work around and do better as I 'need' to continue to get a paycheck.  If I fail at doing this, I fail, but I've decided to try.  So, now I only see my mom after work hours and on weekends, I'm not making many calls anymore during work hours to handle things related to her situation, etc.  I am trying to prioritize work more right now; I am also coming to a place of 'acceptance' with respect to 'IF' I can't make work 'work', then it's ok because things are challenging right now, and there will always be another job or means of making money.

How is work going now?

Thanks for asking.

Work is a little bit better.  I am doing more than I had been a few months ago and trying to prioritize things that get me more visibility on my Team.  I had to take some more FMLA off unfortunately due to an unexpected surgery for my mom which as you can imagine is a bit stressful because the surgery and post op visits are all being charged OOP as she doesn't have insurance yet still and they wouldn't schedule her for surgery or follow ups without payments from me.

I did not offer up to go off on unpaid leave.  I'm glad I didn't because I found out from my boss's boss's boss that he has no plans to replace any of my peers should they leave - I think him confirming this (his own words) with my team is very telling.  We've been cutting staff (the associates that report to people in my role) all year.  With the department I'm in being 1 year new and consisting of only line managers (people managers), I think my area is one they will also cut from, if they don't dissolve the whole area completely within the next few years.  I'm trying to network with people in other areas to get a bit more visibility on other types of teams at the moment.

My mom was able to pivot from her wheelchair into her bed for the first time completely on her own last week.  She really struggled to do it but she did it.  She has no return of any sort of functioning yet in her left arm/hand/fingers.  She's going through the motions since it's all still new as far as being very depressed.  I literally just found a social worker I think will be a good fit for me to help develop a care plan and lead me through the process of Medicaid, disability, determining the next best step in terms of housing (assisted living facility?  board and care?  a different skilled nursing facility closer to me?).  I plan to take on a contract with her asap so I pray she will be a big help to us. 

I just started taking my mom several places as I'd been practicing transferring her in/out of her wheelchair.  Over the past few weeks we went to Target and used the electric scooter thing, went to the movies (she preferred to stay in her wheelchair as opposed to the accessible chair), and she visited with me in the home I live in while I cleaned/cooked both this past Saturday/Sunday.  Also went to the park on Saturday.  She oscillates between being grateful, a bit happy to be out versus a very sullen mood while out as its a first time she's in a place where she can't do what she's used to doing (i.e., walking in the park).

I went on a 5-day vacation to Miami (a spot we usually go together annually) - was good to get away but very hard to do as well without her so I kinda had a few mini breakdowns while there and questioned my choice of place to visit.  Enjoyed a few spa treatments which did me quite a bit of good.  I have 2 more weeks of vacay left and plan to likely take all of it and go away again in December but not sure where yet.

I haven't heard from my aunt in a few months (which I'm glad about really); can't remember if I stated before that I did go ahead and report her to the IRS regarding her fraudulent claiming of my mom.  I should clarify actually that I haven't heard from any family at all; not even a text.  Not surprised.

I want my mom to spend the night in my home a few times over the upcoming end of year holidays but the SNF confirmed it would be $250 a night to do it since she doesn't have a payor source.  All in all, there's still a lot to work through since the main thing is I want to get her out of the SNF she's currently in.  This a long term kinda journey we're on right now.  It's requiring a ton of patience.  She gets angry with me frequently; this has been very challenging for me.

As for me, I'm just trying to get back to working somewhat normally.  Other than that I prioritize the following 3 things as much as I can:  sleep, eating right and exercising.  I don't always do well with all of these things but I try; I might need to detox again soon as my eating habits are starting to go down the wrong road again.  I had to discontinue therapy completely due to the surgery.  I also just discontinued all of my retirement contributions; I can't believe how much things have been adding up (with just buying things like cleaning supplies, incontinence supplies, wheelchair and similar supplies, etc. etc..) although the surgery is the main thing.  I'm also trying to get her an electric wheelchair as soon as possible. 

I'm doing my best to try to remain positive/hopeful as this is the first time I've been considering getting back on anti-depressants in over a decade; I don't quite have the words to describe how things feel right now but I've been struggling in the sleep department/having a lot of nightmares for the first time in my life.  I just think overall I'm dealing with a bit of 'drudgery' in going about life daily (i.e., work, cook, go to nursing home and engage w/mom, work out...weekend = grocery shop, cook, pick up mom and try to work out [with her there] in between laundry and engaging mom...rinse, repeat over and over and over).

I have a gratitude journal so writing in it helps..sometimes.

[EconDiva]

December 2022 Update [Part 1]:

Not sure anyone really follows this thread anymore however I'll post an update as its therapeutic for me.

As the year closes out, I'm a bit happy to say goodbye and farewell to the year of 2022.

I mentioned in my last post that I discontinued all retirement contributions.  Actually, I did it for like 1 day.  And then came to my senses.  As others have said, I need to take care of myself first.  I'm ending the year having maxed out my 401k again which I'm happy about.

On the flip side, I've accumulated the most debt I ever have in my life.  I do have a plan for conquering it, I pray it'll all be resolved within the first half of 2023.

I hired an agency that sends a caregiver to see/visit my mom once a week (on Sunday's).  They take her wherever she wants to go.  She is really grateful for it.  She wants a second day a week (I would too if I were her); I can't afford (as I need to free up funds to pay for a social worker) it so that won't happen..for now.

I visit my mom twice a week - usually Saturday plus one weekday.  I take her out wherever she wants to go on Saturday's.

I have not heard from my brother or any family still and do not expect to.  I didn't mention/give credit in my previous post about discovering how my Aunt has NPD to poster mozar who literally clued in on the dysfunction and 'called out' the possible NPD months ago - not sure how I missed that but excellent call.  No one understands how much my Aunt's NPD is a part of the larger dysfunction within my family.  I am still struggling with the anger I hold towards my Aunt from not taking my mother to hospital when my mother exhibited stroke symptoms (the background with that is that my Aunt, a nurse of 30+ years, saw my mom's facial drooping and had my mom do a 'stroke scale' in the home..and since she seemed to pass the stroke scale by 'hopping just fine on both legs', my aunt made the determination not to take her to the ER.  Instead, she only took my mom to the ER maybe 4-5 days later after finding her on the ground outside her car at midnight).  Anyways, I 'think' I'm doing ok by basically 'not thinking about' or 'suppressing' feelings I have about this person, but realize I'm not all that ok because although I try to go about my days ignoring these feelings, I now have nightmares about how the whole situation and nightmares are not normal for me.

Anyways -

My mom is still in the nursing home.  Medicaid is still pending.  So is disability.  It's been tough finding a social worker but I did and they couldn't start work with me until this month.  My first official meeting with them is tomorrow.  I will have to cut back on my mom's agency visits just a bit to afford the social worker.

My mom still wants to come home.  The only way I can see her living with me is if I had live-in care.  I have not been able to find live-in care here in SC.  However, I found two agencies in Portugal so far that provide it.  Here are some data points - 8 hours a day of hourly agency care here in SC times $25 an hour = $6k month.  Full-time live-in care (through an agency which takes care of the taxes/legalities) in the capital of Lisbon, Portugal = $2.3k month.  Am I leaving the States and moving my mom with me full-time abroad in Portugal?  No.  However, I'm still in the early stages of researching any and all options because to be honest, I want to continue traveling and likely one day live abroad.  With that said, the most realistic option right now, until I can find out from the social worker what the likelihood of assisted living or board-and-care placement is, is for my mom to be moved to a better nursing facility.  I have been testing out doing certain things with her here in my home, and I'll mention again how poster mozar (and others!) hit the nail on the head - caregiving is HARD.  I wanted her to have a nice, long bath and in my small bathroom with her limited mobility, the transferring her into/out of the tub was very very challenging.  I continue to read on caretaking threads about the difficulty of caretaking, and although I want to bring my mom home, I acknowledge I cannot be the one to provide full-time care.  I have to continue working (and taking care of myself).  So the home option is only an option if live-in care is feasible..and even then, I totally acknowledge that 'stable' care is a huge issue, so I'd also have to have back-up care for when the full-time caregiver is not available, on vacation/sick, etc.  So far it is not looking feasible to hire live-in care in SC. 

In short, since it's still really tough seeing my mom in the facility she's in (she's had unreported falls, roaches in the bed, she continues to lose weight as the food is sodium laden and carb-heavy and always cold, they often 'pull' from the supplies I bring like toilet tissue and diapers and towels/bed pan/etc to use on other residents because they're out)...I emphasize that right now I think the next best option is just getting her into a better skilled nursing facility that is much closer to me.

[EconDiva]

December 2022 Update [Part 2]:

My mom has plateaued.  They officially stopped her rehab 4 days ago.  She's grieving right now, and I'm grieving with her.  Her current state is she can eat on her own, and can (with a lot of difficulty) transfer into the bed alone.  All other ADLs require 1-person assistance.  She has urinary incontinence.  So don't get me wrong - although I continue to talk about the home option still being an option, I am acknowledging how the likelihood of it is actually probably low, at least without two forms of specifically live-in care.  Even then, I also acknowledge that the state of our relationship and her mental health also make it not the best option.  My goals for 2023 would be to get her on Medicaid, get her on Medicaid long term care, and in a better skilled nursing facility OR and ALF 'if' that's safe, as I keep hearing ALF have so much less staffs than SNFs.  Also, to get her back into therapy (not rehab but in with a counselor) which she has been wanting really bad.  Baby steps...

Speaking of therapy, I re-read this entire thread today.  I've been out of therapy for months but will start back up again (likely temporarily) this week.  I may come back and re-quote a few posts that really stood out to me in re-reading here.  They made a huge impact on how I'm seeing/assessing certain things.

I did originally plan to try to travel again this month.  I have two weeks off.  But I decided to put the money towards debt payoff.  Plus, I'm kinda tired anyway.  And to top it off, its too late to go anywhere, even if just for a short trip.  Me being off coincides with the news of my mom's rehab being discontinued, so I will use this time to also visit her a bit more during my break and do some exercises with her/get her out of the SNF a bit more to get her mind off of this news.

It's possible I may go back to Portugal in 2023.  Those who have followed my story may recall I was supposed to be there for just under 3 months earlier this year, but returned to the US after a bit over 2 weeks after arriving because of my mom's stroke.  I happen to have befriended a vlogger that lives in Lisbon who is American; we have a lot of discussions on long term care in Portugal as coincidentally he says this is now the 'biggest topic' that comes up with Americans who schedule consultations with him for information on moving to Portugal as many of them are moving with a parent that needs care.  He visits/sends me info on nursing homes there, quotes, has discussions with people 'on the ground' there about options for elder care in the area, etc.  He's been very helpful as I actually had it as a goal to research these things myself while there earlier this year as I was interested in knowing what my options would be if I ended up there in the future and needed elder care there for myself..  So 'if' I get to go back in 2023 (I'm hoping for 1-2 months), I still have an interest in researching these things while there.

The hardest thing for me right now has been adjusting to being back in SC.  My orthodontist (I have braces) is still in Atlanta; I paid my braces off about a year ago.  I think I have about a year left in them, and have been traveling back to Atlanta for all of my appointments still.  Not sure how much longer I can/will do this.  Usually, I stay for 3-5 days.  Last week was my most recent visit, and is the first time I grieved having left there.  Right before getting on the road to return to SC, I had to just sit in my car and cry.  I miss my life there.  I really do not like living in SC and I just have some not-good memories that are tied to living here that are just...I don't know, I feel like they impact how I feel about having returned here. 

Despite the above^, I do believe I am becoming a more grateful person.  I find myself praising God for my health, for my job, for the ability to work from home, for being able to have moved here on such short notice to help my mom, for my best friend who put me up in the home I'm in to live in at such a good rental price..for food, for me having to have been able to secure a car I needed so quickly upon moving here.  I am grateful I still have my mom living here on this earth with me despite all of the dysfunction and stress and challenges...that I can still have a conversation with her or share a laugh or take her to the movies...I see so many people in the nursing home that never have visitors.  I even had a resident come into my mom's room one day a few weeks ago and scream at us about how it wasn't fair I was always there taking her out when no one else gets to the leave the place :(  I also had to share perspective with my mom recently when she started going down this tirade about how she knows now she'll never be able to move her left foot again - I had to bring to her attention that in rehab just the day before, she was in a room with a man doing his rehab that had no feet..or legs.  I know I have a lot to be grateful for.  Although this is a time of great stress, I do see that this is also likely a time of great growth, and I do indeed welcome that.

As we close out the year I wish any/everyone reading this a great holiday.  I thank everyone that has been following my story from the beginning.  Some of you even reached out directly with pm's, emails, etc. that you should know I still go back to and read/reflect on.  I hope that you enjoy this time with your loved ones and have a Happy New Year. 

[EconDiva]

Long time lurker,  coming out of the shadows.

I’m sitting here reading this and full of compassion for your situation. And when I read that part of you struggle relates to your faith and your convictions, I felt called to say something. I’m a pastor of a Protestant church, and I want to affirm some of what you are struggling with, and ask questions about others.

Regarding @Sandi_k ’s question about why does Christianity so often disempower women, to that I would say it isn’t so much a Christian problem as a patriarchy problem. Patriarchy disempowers women and denies them the right to live as human beings that don’t simply exist to help others. Christianity has its own patriarchal history, but it isn’t inherent to Christianity. It’s a symptom of innate human sinfulness.

With respect to suffering, I wonder whether you might be gentle with yourself, and imagine what Jesus might do if he were here with you right now. One thing that Jesus does, over and over again in the gospels, is offer healing and wholeness, but he asks. “Do you want to be made well” is a question that pops up in the gospels, and not everyone takes him up on it. So much of his ministry was focused on freeing the vulnerable from the captivity of illness, poverty, misunderstanding, and more. Perhaps it might be meaningful to ask yourself “in what ways am I stuck here, or being held in captivity, by this situation? How might Jesus free me for health and wholeness?” I think it is possible to give of yourself and be there for your mom, in other words, without falling into the trap of trying to be Jesus for her. Being Christian does not mean that you have to be a martyr.

Thank you for coming out of lurkdom to respond in this thread. 

The last (bolded) statement you made really hit me hard because when this whole situation was unfolding my therapist had made this statement asking if I can see the martyrdom in some of the statements I was making.  Which struck me because I don't want to be a martyr.  I honestly just want to continue living an independent life, be financially sound and retire at a reasonable age while being able to travel.  I want all of that but 'also' want my mom to have the best care that is possible and reasonable considering her situation.  I really don't want to sacrifice myself or everything about my life so to speak in the process.

I haven't been reading my bible lately I admit.  I need to.  If you have any names of people in the Bible that said 'no' to Jesus offering them help/healing, please share.  Was the rich man one (the one that Jesus stated to sell all his possessions but then he turned away after being told this)?

You've posed some VERY good questions that I will be pondering on for quite some time I think.  I am grateful for the encouragement you've also provided by mentioning finding balance in giving of myself without trying to be Jesus for my mom.  That is what I am trying to navigate right now.

Well, there are lots of examples in johns gospel of folks who don’t ask for the help jesus offers. When I typed the above, I was thinking of the man at the pool of bethsaida (or Bethesda, or bethzatha depending on your translation). Or consider the woman at the well. None of them ask for Jesus’ help. In the case of the man at the pool, Jesus asks the man if he wants to be made well, and the man’s response is to complain about how nobody lets him into the pool. So he doesn’t even answer the question. In the book of acts, Paul and the apostles heal a girl with a demon, and they are run out of town because she made money with her possession. All this to say, those stories are complicated, just like the people we love are. Jesus didn’t get universal love and acclaim for his ministry- he died on a cross for it. And however you feel about that sacrifice, it’s clear that Jesus expected us to do good, even suffer for it at times, but the dying part was his alone.

If I didn't say so months ago when this was posted..thank you for the examples.

With respect to your statement that "And however you feel about that sacrifice, it’s clear that Jesus expected us to do good, even suffer for it at times, but the dying part was his alone."

^This is what hit me in re-reading this thread earlier today. 

I do agree that Jesus expects us to do good and even suffer, but it's also true that sacrificing yourself to the point of death is not expected or wise.  I have been on enough caretaking forums at this point to see there are actually many people losing their health and basically their life as caregivers.  I can't say I think Jesus would want this.  I think he would want the growth in character that comes with having to learn to be patient with the one you're caring for, patient for the system you're having to navigate, forgiving of the loved ones that don't offer a bit of help (or at worst, cause you to be more stressed), forgiving of yourself for not being able to help in the way you truly want, etc. etc. etc. 

I don't think He'd want you die in the process of trying to care for another.  As another poster put (and I apologize I don't recall their name offhand), one shouldn't try to set yourself on fire in an attempt to keep someone else warm.  In re-reading that today, that phrase also stuck with me.

[Dicey]

Holy cow, these last two posts are a revelation! Now that my MIL's gone, I sometimes get down on myself for things I did not do when she lived with us. It's easy to slide down the "If only I had been better..." rabbit hole. But all along, I fought to maintain my own life and interests. I did not fully realize how vital that was for my sanity. Damned difficult to care for an end-of-life adult with ALZ (or any disability) and keep something of a life for yourself.

I am so glad to see an update from you! We absolutely do care how you're doing.  《Big Hugs 》

[EconDiva]

Holy cow, these last two posts are a revelation! Now that my MIL's gone, I sometimes get down on myself for things I did not do when she lived with us. It's easy to slide down the "If only I had been better..." rabbit hole. But all along, I fought to maintain my own life and interests. I did not fully realize how vital that was for my sanity. Damned difficult to care for an end-of-life adult with ALZ (or any disability) and keep something of a life for yourself.

I am so glad to see an update from you! We absolutely do care how you're doing.  《Big Hugs 》

Thank you for the kind words.

And I'm glad there was at least something positive you were able to take away from one of my posts.

I live with guilt every day now.  Guilt my mom is in a place I can't really get her out of...at least not for now.  Guilt that I took her out yesterday but I found out a few hours ago the agency can't come today to take her and I've decided not to go because...well, I just really need to set a boundary of not taking her out twice in a row because for me it's exhausting.  I'm usually gone for 8-10 hours on days we have outings so I feel bad having to tell her 'sorry they got you ready early today but you'll have to wait until tomorrow or Tuesday for the agency to take you out again'. 

I 'try' instead to focus on how it's great she even got to go somewhere yesterday and will likely end up going out again tomorrow when again, many in her facility don't ever go out..literally.  I try..but it's hard.

I can only imagine how caring for someone with ALZ is/was.  I am sharing with you the link below as it's likely someone you can relate to.  Her story popped up on my Youtube feed a few months ago randomly, and boy oh boy...it's one thing for people to suggest or recommend or even share their opinions 'warning' of how challenging caretaking can be living with someone.  It was another thing to watch and hear the story this woman shared which (along with reading about caretakers' lives in various forums online) was a real wake-up call to how life can be when caring for someone with memory loss.  (Which I believe my mother has only a small amount of but now recognize that due to the stroke, could progress at any point/to any extreme in the near or distant future)...I felt every bit/ounce of her emotions watching this:

https://youtu.be/Mn6PQoKyf34

[EconDiva]

OK, I know that you're summarizing, and you're encapsulating a lot - I agree that sacrifice can lead to spiritual development, and good things. But I have a question - maybe rhetorical, maybe not.

Why does it seem that "Christian" philosophy so often seems to lead to the oppression of women as autonomous, fully realized human beings, with a right to a life of their own that is not subsumed by others' needs?

I have a hard time believing that your therapist truly believes that sacrifice will aid in your emotional healing, emotional growth, religious insight, etc., when it's pushing you into sacrificing your life for a parent with mental illness issues, and a lifetime of poor decisions.

I would be very direct - "It seems that you are inclined for me to place my desires, ambitions, and life on hold to take care of a mother who has deep issues that I cannot solve - and in fact, taking them on in any real way will be detrimental to my hard-fought boundaries and healthy separation from mom's mental illness. Why does it feel that you are pushing me in that direction? What is your guidance for me if I simply say "No thanks, that doesn't work for me?"

If she didn't have a reasonable answer, I'd be looking for another therapist.

(If I am way off base here, I apologize; but my younger, falling into far-right Catholicism brother just spent time on FB schooling our sister on why losing Roe and bodily autonomy is just the same thing as being told a vaccine was mandated; I am sick to death of the structures and strictures that reinforce women's dreams, goals and lives as sacrificial in every instance).

Because I am indeed starting back up with my therapist this week, I will make a few points that may (or may not?) clarify things she and I have discussed in the past:

One of her favorite quotes is that "God is more interested in your character than your comfort."  This does come up sometimes when I speak about the things I 'don't' want to do with respect to caregiving, because we end up having conversations about how there are likely aspects of what I'm doing that 'God' wants me to do because they are strengthening me/making me more righteous in his eyes.  It could be things that are testing/growing my patience, things that are causing me to see my own shortcomings, things people are doing that are challenging (forcing) me to have to tap into a part of my empathy (and I'm a pretty empathetic person).  Some things are forcing me to learn more about and how to forgive others as well as how to forgive myself.  If I hadn't moved to SC and wasn't going through what I'm going through with my mom right now, I wouldn't be 'tested'/'pressed'; in many of the ways I just mentioned.  What's that saying?  That pressure creates diamonds?

WRT the below statement:
"I have a hard time believing that your therapist truly believes that sacrifice will aid in your emotional healing, emotional growth, religious insight, etc., when it's pushing you into sacrificing your life for a parent with mental illness issues, and a lifetime of poor decisions."

^You said so much here.  What I would say based on my therapy to date is, that my therapist would agree that my sacrifices are building my character.  However, she has also mentioned boundaries and has gone so far as to say that I should recognize when I'm making statements and/or behaving as a 'martyr'.  She used the exact word martyr actually.  So I do believe that she understands there is a limit, however, I 'think' she is leaving it up to me to decide what the limits are (which would make sense right)?  In other words, she stands strong to her opinion that I can't 'abandon my mom' (let's say, in the way my brother has), that instead, I do have, as a responsible and caring, financially capable and mostly mentally healthy Christian adult, a responsibility to honor my mother in a way that would support in ensuring she is cared for during a time such as this because she cannot do it on her own.  Her stroke makes her unable to do so, however, my therapist would argue that she was unable to care for herself before the stroke as well so she would say there is responsibility on my end but that it's my path to choose what level of involvement - I believe she may have even mentioned that it could mean at minimum making sure my mother is safe/housed/clothed/fed which does not 'necessarily' need to have involved me moving or becoming POA or even visiting if I didn't feel necessary. 

I hope I explain this part clearly, but with respect to the second half of your statement - the part about how my mom has mental issues and a lifetime of poor decisions, I think my therapist would see this in two ways:
1.  That I should be careful not to enable someone's bad decisions, but that it's not likely I'm doing so because my mom's bad decisions are made because of her mental condition, not anything I am doing/not doing, and,
2. With respect to God building character, He will do it in whatever way He wants/needs to, and if it needs to be in a situation like mine where I'm sacrificing a bit (not to the point of dying), then so be it..'even' if that sacrifice is being made on my end for someone who made bad decisions because they are mentally ill and cannot help making bad decisions.

I'm not saying I agree with every piece of what I wrote here that I think my therapist would say, just giving more perspective/insight as I do not think she would actually co-sign me being a martyr or sacrificing 'everything' about my life to this situation, however, she is clearly of the opinion that there is likely some sacrifice intended by God going on in my life right now that is needed to build me, and in the midst of all of it I do have to be careful/find my way in understanding where to draw the line in my sacrificing such that I'm not trying to be Jesus which I cannot and no one can be.

[iluvzbeach]

EvonDiva, it is so good to see an update from you. I thought about you a few times over the past few weeks and had wondered how things were going. While it sounds like the situation continues to be difficult, it is also clear that you’re in a better spot emotionally. Perhaps a bit of acceptance with the situation and figuring out how to move forward?

In any case, 2022 has been a really tough year for you and I hope 2023 is much, much better. You continue to be an amazing daughter and what you are doing for your mother is remarkable. Happy Holidays!

[EconDiva]

One last thing -

Some may remember I started a new position (same employer) last year.  I've been in that role a bit over a year now and I'm happy to say I was indeed able to 'turn things around' from when my boss had 'the talk' earlier this year where she recommended I go out on unpaid leave.  I hold to my feeling that a decision to have done so would have likely been extremely problematic (potentially leading to me not having a job to return to).  I'd only been in the role about 6 months when this was suggested, and it was suggested after I had returned from FMLA and my boss, her colleague and the head of the department had a meeting about me.  In short, I will say that in a situation like mine you realllllly have to know who you're dealing with..in some circumstances, you have built rapport with others and can trust they're leading you down a road to help you.  In my circumstance, I honestly (and a bit unfortunately) believe that I would have been replaced had I left because although I wasn't new to the company, I was new to my boss and "Team", so they were likely making rash decisions too quick in the first few weeks of me having gone off on leave as opposed to 'trusting' me or 'giving me some time' to get back up to speed after this family emergency.  In short, I did have a point where I had to realize I had to visit the SNF less and put more back into my work.  That is essentially what I did and I ended the year with a good bit of praise of things I've accomplished from my boss. 

Although I'm no longer concerned about any imminent issues work-wise, it does sadden me how things are handled in the corporate world.  I'm not sure how if I encounter serious issues again in the future (quite possible) medical-wise, what would happen or how I'd have to handle it, but I do think about it a lot now.  A lot.

Anywho, the flip side to all of this is I must say I see God's hand in even me having taken the job I currently have.  I've been in my industry for over 20 years, and I'd been in a project management type of role for several years with my current employer.  I was so stressed in PM and I was told by my previous boss that stepping in to people management was a bad decision (I know she didn't want me to leave her Team but she also had good points regarding how my value may or may not hold going into people management).  Despite what she said and what I knew, if I'd held on to that project management role and not taken the leap into an 'all' people-management/line manager role, there is NO way I'd been able to turn things around the way I did this year.  The project management role is SO fast paced, so deadline oriented, and was SO much higher visibility that there would have been multiple stakeholders complaining about my absence and requesting a 'plan' on what was going to be done with EconDiva. 

This current role is (although still stressful) not nearly as stressful as the other, and allows me even more flexibility (i.e., I have a call with a direct report and can't make it?  Fine..I'll reschedule it at my own convenience and that's it...in the other role a meeting reschedule could mean not attending a call where 25 other people needed updates from me).

I am SO grateful I took the role I did last fall...less than 6 months later this emergency occurred and I have no clue how I would have handled my previous work or how much more serious of a situation I would have been in with my employer.  I truly believe the timing worked out and I made this change in life because it was meant to happen when it did.  And I'm doing my best to continue to prioritize my work as it really is key to me being able to take care of myself.  And that's what I keep hearing from others...to make sure I'm taking care of myself.  Which includes working out, eating right, resting...but includes me being able to pay my bills too. 

Did I fail to mention that this new/current role was also a promotion?  Even the way that happened was interesting - I was offered a promotion and raise (likely it was an attempt to keep me in project management) and that raise happened about a week before I got the job offer for my current people manager role.  I was shocked because the 'grade' for both promotions was the same, but when I got the offer letter for my current role, they had given an additional raise on top of the promotional raise I'd gotten the week before (hope this makes sense).  I don't know how I'd pay for an agency plus social worker and car payment, etc. if all of this hadn't happened just last fall.

I am trying to find a way to still coast-fire, and right now without knowing the long term plans for my mom's care, it is difficult.  The agency costs, the car payment, nursing home supplies and social worker costs (not to mention possible attorney costs for elder care planning in the near future) are 'all' new costs which hit all at the same time and all this year.  However, I do have faith that this will all work out..somehow...in the end. 

[EconDiva]

EvonDiva, it is so good to see an update from you. I thought about you a few times over the past few weeks and had wondered how things were going. While it sounds like the situation continues to be difficult, it is also clear that you’re in a better spot emotionally. Perhaps a bit of acceptance with the situation and figuring out how to move forward?

In any case, 2022 has been a really tough year for you and I hope 2023 is much, much better. You continue to be an amazing daughter and what you are doing for your mother is remarkable. Happy Holidays!

You know I always appreciate your insight, positivity, encouragement and kind words.  Thank you.

You have been on my mind too and I hope all is well on your end :)

Happy Holidays!

[Holocene]

My heart goes out to you. You've been through so much this year and you're handling it admirably well.  Your mom is extremely lucky to have you.  It must be so hard to be doing this on your own without any other support.

Do your absolute best not to feel so guilty.  This is not a perfect situation for your mom to be in, but that is not your fault.  You are giving up so much to be there for her and support her, both financially and emotionally.  You are setting a few extremely reasonable boundaries which is very healthy.  Do not feel guilty that you can't give her everything.

I know you moved back to be near your mom, which was a very selfless and caring thing to do.  Now that you know her situation better, can't you look into moving her to a facility in Atlanta, or wherever you want to live?  You don't sound happy where you are and it doesn't sound like she gets out much except when you are around anyway.  That doesn't seem like a healthy way for you to live long-term.  If she needs to be in a facility and you're going to devote a lot of your time and energy into caring for her, I think it's reasonable that you get to live where you would be happy, even if it may not be where she would prefer to be.  Maybe whenever things get settled with Medicaid, you can find a similar Medicaid facility in Atlanta that could take her.  I'm sure it's not an easy process on any front, but something to think about.  And if Portugal is where you want to be long-term, I hope you can find a way to make that work.

You are a wonderful daughter and person for what you're doing for your mom.  But don't forget that you deserve to be happy too.  Don't give too much of yourself that you risk your own health.  I'm glad to hear you were able to set some boundaries and turned things around at your job.  I hope you continue to do so and are able to make caring for your mom a part of your life, rather than making your life all about caring for her.

I wish you the best and hope 2023 is a better year for you and your mom.  Happy Holidays.

[cchrissyy]

i'm really glad to hear the job is working out and you have a more sustainable routine for what days you visit your mom so it doesn't consume your whole life.

i agree about figuring out where you would be happy living in the long run, location has lots to do with your everyday happiness, and a secondary question of course is can she be moved there.

i think it's very important you realize there are limits of what you can afford to pay towards her situation. like, i hope you don't take on any more debts.

i'm glad it sounds like you know you can't bring her home. it's simply a fact. if you cannot lift her and bathe her, if you are a normal human who cannot stay awake 24/7 to supervise at the same time that you are working and sleeping, then sorry and no offense but it means your house is not appropriate and safe for a person in her condition. almost none of our houses are! it's not your fault and i'm glad to hear that you understand it's not possible and should not be the goal.

take care, thanks for writing the update, and merry christmas!

[EconDiva]

My heart goes out to you. You've been through so much this year and you're handling it admirably well.  Your mom is extremely lucky to have you.  It must be so hard to be doing this on your own without any other support.

Do your absolute best not to feel so guilty.  This is not a perfect situation for your mom to be in, but that is not your fault.  You are giving up so much to be there for her and support her, both financially and emotionally.  You are setting a few extremely reasonable boundaries which is very healthy.  Do not feel guilty that you can't give her everything.

I know you moved back to be near your mom, which was a very selfless and caring thing to do.  Now that you know her situation better, can't you look into moving her to a facility in Atlanta, or wherever you want to live?  You don't sound happy where you are and it doesn't sound like she gets out much except when you are around anyway.  That doesn't seem like a healthy way for you to live long-term.  If she needs to be in a facility and you're going to devote a lot of your time and energy into caring for her, I think it's reasonable that you get to live where you would be happy, even if it may not be where she would prefer to be.  Maybe whenever things get settled with Medicaid, you can find a similar Medicaid facility in Atlanta that could take her.  I'm sure it's not an easy process on any front, but something to think about.  And if Portugal is where you want to be long-term, I hope you can find a way to make that work.

You are a wonderful daughter and person for what you're doing for your mom.  But don't forget that you deserve to be happy too.  Don't give too much of yourself that you risk your own health.  I'm glad to hear you were able to set some boundaries and turned things around at your job.  I hope you continue to do so and are able to make caring for your mom a part of your life, rather than making your life all about caring for her.

I wish you the best and hope 2023 is a better year for you and your mom.  Happy Holidays.

I try my best not to feel guilty; it is indeed hard.  Especially on the days my mother tells me things like how I'm not transferring her right and I'm trying to hurt her on purpose because I'm taking my anger out on her, or how I'm not helping (sometimes recently I'd observe her doing things rather than immediately step in to transfer, etc., because unbeknownst to her, the PT/OT team was telling me she was platueau-ing and I wanted to 'verify' this so I'd do a bit more watching than 'do-ing' for her).  She'd say I'm not helping because I don't want to and it would turn into an argument..she's had days where her anger is so high that she's a different person I've never seen before..these times are hard and it is indeed difficult not to feel guilty when walking away/walking out (or when I had an actual blow up in the facility which did happen once a few months ago..sigh).

As far as moving back to Atlanta, in short, I think I'm just grieving the life I had and TBH I don't know moving back there will happen.  My aunt is moving there soon and I've had several other family members (ie her children etc.) do the same over the recent years and I think I'd consider myself estranged at this point so I don't like the idea of moving back to a city where I have family 'that' much closer to me all over again..I began my adult life in Atlanta (moving there when I was 19) to actually be a bit away from the dysfunction.  I know this all sounds weird but it is what it is.  I also tried to get my mom to move there the past 2-3 years as I knew she was losing her home, and she was so against it that I realized I didn't want her to go somewhere she kept telling me for years she'd basically be miserable in as she 'hates cities'. 

Also, Atlanta is getting to be more expensive, and I used to live in a nice/new studio there in the heart of the city without a car.  I just don't know how I could move back there in the future and pay market rate for rent, or afford to get a house with say, enough space for my mom, myself 'and' a full-time caregiver.  In the past I'd always paid the least I could for housing by living in the smallest space I could.  Now the $1400/month 600 sq ft studio I was in is pushing $2k a month and I just moved out of that place 8 months ago.  And my mom can't live in a studio with me.  Even if she were in a facility and I moved back into a small space, I'd have to go back to driving in Atlanta and that's kinda a big deal for me too (this year when I purchased  a vehicle was my first time owning a car again in 10 years). 

My BFF is charging me $800 a month (!) right now for a 3/2 ranch home that I have to myself (I don't use most of the space b/c I've never needed much space).  It's the biggest plus to having moved because this basically this freed up the money for me to buy a car which is needed to live here.  I do hope that eventually one day I'll go back to living in a place where I can be car-free.

The Portugal thing is such a big move that all I can say is that would have to unfold over quite some time and in steps (i.e., I visit several more times, 'and' she visits once or twice with me, 'and' we temporarily live there for some time to ultimately decide if its doable.)  The other thing I haven't mentioned is my fear of her adjusting to any place outside of SC really.  She is extremely set in her ways, likes to go to the same exact places all the time, and has expressed not wanting to leave here over and over again.  I do 'think' that she could (would have to!) adjust to moving somewhere else, but I do keep in mind how much change she's going through already right now and how leaving here would impact her.  Her socialization is already very low and would go to almost none without a lot of involvement on my end to help her socialize in new ways/with new people which she is already averse to doing.

To summarize, I have no clue yet how to 'merge' my wants and needs with hers with respect to where to live right now.  We like/prioritize very different things (I like-cities, car-free life, many choices for things to do, variety/healthy food options, access to major airport, etc.....she likes-very small towns, stay-at-home life, hobbies=shopping at Dollar Tree bi-daily and eating at McDonalds/Taco Bell as much as possible).

Because of this and all of the above, I am focusing in 2023 on just finding her a better SNF to be in that's closer to me.  And trying to travel 'somewhere' once a quarter to get out of/away from SC (sorry to anyone who is reading this and loves SC by the way!).  Not sure what will happen next after that.

Thank you for all of the kind words and Happy holidays to you and yours as well.

[EconDiva]

i'm really glad to hear the job is working out and you have a more sustainable routine for what days you visit your mom so it doesn't consume your whole life.

i agree about figuring out where you would be happy living in the long run, location has lots to do with your everyday happiness, and a secondary question of course is can she be moved there.

i think it's very important you realize there are limits of what you can afford to pay towards her situation. like, i hope you don't take on any more debts.

i'm glad it sounds like you know you can't bring her home. it's simply a fact. if you cannot lift her and bathe her, if you are a normal human who cannot stay awake 24/7 to supervise at the same time that you are working and sleeping, then sorry and no offense but it means your house is not appropriate and safe for a person in her condition. almost none of our houses are! it's not your fault and i'm glad to hear that you understand it's not possible and should not be the goal.

take care, thanks for writing the update, and merry christmas!

I agree that location is important.  I have moved a lot in my life and have enjoyed doing so.  Maybe part of my grief is related to 'feeling' anchored location-wise which has always been a bit of an (irrational) fear of mine (the feeling I 'have' to 'stay put' somewhere and have reasons keeping me in a place that makes it so I 'can't leave/move').

The debt thing is a real issue and I have to put a lot of focus on this in 2023 or my financial future and chances of ever coast fire-ing will really be put at risk.

RE: bringing her homes, as mentioned its still an option on the plate but near the bottom.  As mentioned, I can only see it happening if I had a live-in caretaker in the home providing full-time care (and use of an agency to provide back-up when the caregiver is out).  Even then I'd likely have to employ the use of adult day-care as a 'secondary back-up'..in other words, I'd need multiple means of support.  So far, in-home full-time caregiving does not seem like a 'thing' here at all. 

Thank you for your kind words as well and may you too have a Happy Holiday.

[Metalcat]

Wow.

So I took a fairly long hiatus from anything but my own journal in 2022, so I'm just catching up on this now.

It's going to take me a bit to process my thoughts on so many updates, but I'm going to say one thing, and I'm not sure it's the right thing to say, so I'm going to keep it simple.

I am part of a Christian leadership community of established ministers, all of whom have theology PhDs. I'm not a minister, or have a theology degree, but I helped put the group together and they like my essays. So I just wanted to frame that I'm quite involved in the study and interpretation of Christianity. I'm also currently studying clinical psychology, and have a background in psychology.

With that said, my small point that I want to make is that I truly understand you wanting a Christian perspective on your counselling. However, I can confidently say that many Christian counsellors would have a very different take on your situation than your particular Christian counsellor.

She is a guide, not an authority on how faith and mental health combine for you. So if you feel strengthened and empowered by her particular take on things, then run with it. But if you don't, you don't have to take her interpretation as gospel (pun intended).

Okay. I will say one more thing.

She contrasted your comfort and your duty to your mother. I want to encourage you to move away from the concept of any of this being about your comfort and instead conceptualize choices that contribute to your thriving vs your degradation.

You do require a certain degree of comfort in order to thrive. You should feel no guilt or shame, that's a basic human requirement.

There is no honour and no grace in failing to thrive when you *could* make choices to do so. I think from your latest updates that you are really starting to internalize that.

One can sacrifice and experience intense discomfort and *still* thrive, but that thriving under those conditions requires a lot of resources and supports.

If you let thriving be your guide, decisions can become a lot easier and more intuitive.

[EconDiva]

Wow.

So I took a fairly long hiatus from anything but my own journal in 2022, so I'm just catching up on this now.

It's going to take me a bit to process my thoughts on so many updates, but I'm going to say one thing, and I'm not sure it's the right thing to say, so I'm going to keep it simple.

I am part of a Christian leadership community of established ministers, all of whom have theology PhDs. I'm not a minister, or have a theology degree, but I helped put the group together and they like my essays. So I just wanted to frame that I'm quite involved in the study and interpretation of Christianity. I'm also currently studying clinical psychology, and have a background in psychology.

With that said, my small point that I want to make is that I truly understand you wanting a Christian perspective on your counselling. However, I can confidently say that many Christian counsellors would have a very different take on your situation than your particular Christian counsellor.

She is a guide, not an authority on how faith and mental health combine for you. So if you feel strengthened and empowered by her particular take on things, then run with it. But if you don't, you don't have to take her interpretation as gospel (pun intended).

Okay. I will say one more thing.

She contrasted your comfort and your duty to your mother. I want to encourage you to move away from the concept of any of this being about your comfort and instead conceptualize choices that contribute to your thriving vs your degradation.

You do require a certain degree of comfort in order to thrive. You should feel no guilt or shame, that's a basic human requirement.

There is no honour and no grace in failing to thrive when you *could* make choices to do so. I think from your latest updates that you are really starting to internalize that.

One can sacrifice and experience intense discomfort and *still* thrive, but that thriving under those conditions requires a lot of resources and supports.

If you let thriving be your guide, decisions can become a lot easier and more intuitive.

Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your initial thoughts.  Of course, if you have more insight to share I'm all ears.

I'm not exactly sure what failure to thrive actually means..I did Google it and read some initial info but it seemed to be pediatric related so I don't think I was looking at the right thing.  I know thriving in the general sense means just to prosper, so I do think I understand where you are coming from.

Right now my guide 'is' somewhat associated with thriving actually.  For instance, I think that once my mom receives disability, it is possible to care for her in a home environment (from simply a financial perspective) 'if' I had a live-in caregiver.  However, I do also believe that there's a very high risk that my own mental/emotional health and well-being in general would decline.  First, because even with caregiving support in the home, there will be many times I have to step in and support which could easily become exhausting for someone like me that is introverted, low energy, highly-sensitive and already suffers from my own depression.  Second, because of the chaotic nature of our relationship which is rooted in my mother having multiple, longstanding, untreated mental health issues.  In short, I recognize the risk of me 'going downhill' if I were to bring her home.  Not to say it's a 'given', but it's a high risk.

I'd prayed about the whole 'moving in together' thing SO much prior to the stroke (as you'll recall my mother had lost her house several years ago and I was just waiting for the 'shoe to drop' in terms of her being evicted), and the eerie thing is how the more I prayed, the more arguments we'd have when we did get together/visit each other.  It was getting to a point where I almost felt as if God was saying to me, 'hey, make whatever move you want to in the future..just know this is the current state of your mother's mental health and your relationship with her, so be warned this will be your life going forward if you cannot change to adjust to it as your parent is not going to be the one changing'.  ETA:  If I'm completely honest, I felt God was also showing me ways in which I'm not the easiest person to get along with/live with, ways in which I am unnecessarily negative and don't actually have as much patience as I see myself as having.  So there's that side of things, too (yikes).

In regards to feeling guilt, honestly I probably just need to stop comparing myself to others because I think that is ultimately what causes a lot of it.  For instance:

-I have a best friend who has moved to another state and is building a whole house from scratch (with an accessible in-law suite) to prepare to move her mother in to at some point in the next few years.  I find it admirable.  But she's married, with likely a totally different financial situation than mine, her mother doesn't have the kind of mental issues mine does, she has a close and supportive familial system, and 'most' importantly her mom is not currently severely disabled.  So, she could, albeit difficult, likely move her mom in and still thrive much easier than I could. 

-I've also been in multiple caregiving forums where someone in a non-American culture stepped in to say how hard it was for them to take in and care for a parent, but how it is culturally normal for them to do so and how American culture is so different in that Americans tend to be less self-sacrificing/see the parent as more of a burden/lack the 'it takes a village' mentality that allows the family to plan together to keep a parent at home and out of a facility/etc.  In other words, I've also been reading numerous stories from the 'non American caretaker who lead/managed the process of keeping a sick parent in the home', and felt guilty not being able to relate to their story of how they "had a hard life caring for their parent for years, but did it out of love and would never ever have had it any other way because their parent cared for/housed/clothed them as a child and it's only right that in the parent's old age the children do the same for them."  I literally have read of multiple instances where such caretakers stated 'it was their honor to sacrifice to care for their parent in their old age'.  When I compared myself to people like this I would ask myself 'what's wrong with me that I can't sacrifice for the person that did so for me?' 

I know that's a lot, I'm already an over-thinker by nature so I've had a LOT of time the past 8 months since my mom's stroke to get different perspectives from others (and obviously I continue to do so).  Ultimately I find value in all the different perspectives but do also acknowledge how I have to make decisions that are best for me considering my individual/personal circumstances, so the 'comparing' part for me is something I need to stop doing.

[Cassie]

I don’t think you can compare caring for a child to caring for an older person. First of all the parents choose to have children. It’s one thing to use my sick and annual leave to stay with my mom for 2-4 weeks to help after surgery, chemo, etc and totally different to take care of her permanently. My siblings and I did the first but not the second. When I lived next door to my parents I took care of my dad so my mom could go on a yearly vacation and out with friends but it didn’t impact my family life or my going to college. In return my mom watched my kids when needed.

[Weisass]

I'd prayed about the whole 'moving in together' thing SO much prior to the stroke (as you'll recall my mother had lost her house several years ago and I was just waiting for the 'shoe to drop' in terms of her being evicted), and the eerie thing is how the more I prayed, the more arguments we'd have when we did get together/visit each other.  It was getting to a point where I almost felt as if God was saying to me, 'hey, make whatever move you want to in the future..just know this is the current state of your mother's mental health and your relationship with her, so be warned this will be your life going forward if you cannot change to adjust to it as your parent is not going to be the one changing'. 

This, right here. I find that prayer has a way of helping me see more clearly what is already there. And I think you are spot on--that praying for something is helping you pay attention to what you actually have, and it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what those choices would mean for you.

All this to say, I'm rooting for you. Prayers that you find peace with whatever decision you make.

[EconDiva]

I don’t think you can compare caring for a child to caring for an older person. First of all the parents choose to have children. It’s one thing to use my sick and annual leave to stay with my mom for 2-4 weeks to help after surgery, chemo, etc and totally different to take care of her permanently. My siblings and I did the first but not the second. When I lived next door to my parents I took care of my dad so my mom could go on a yearly vacation and out with friends but it didn’t impact my family life or my going to college. In return my mom watched my kids when needed.

Totally understand where you're coming from.

[EconDiva]

I'd prayed about the whole 'moving in together' thing SO much prior to the stroke (as you'll recall my mother had lost her house several years ago and I was just waiting for the 'shoe to drop' in terms of her being evicted), and the eerie thing is how the more I prayed, the more arguments we'd have when we did get together/visit each other.  It was getting to a point where I almost felt as if God was saying to me, 'hey, make whatever move you want to in the future..just know this is the current state of your mother's mental health and your relationship with her, so be warned this will be your life going forward if you cannot change to adjust to it as your parent is not going to be the one changing'. 

This, right here. I find that prayer has a way of helping me see more clearly what is already there. And I think you are spot on--that praying for something is helping you pay attention to what you actually have, and it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what those choices would mean for you.

All this to say, I'm rooting for you. Prayers that you find peace with whatever decision you make.

Yeah, I had to go back and add on an 'ETA' to that original statement fyi...

Yes, prayer can and will open your eyes to a LOT. 

I appreciate your prayers by the way.

[charis]

I don’t think you can compare caring for a child to caring for an older person. First of all the parents choose to have children. It’s one thing to use my sick and annual leave to stay with my mom for 2-4 weeks to help after surgery, chemo, etc and totally different to take care of her permanently. My siblings and I did the first but not the second. When I lived next door to my parents I took care of my dad so my mom could go on a yearly vacation and out with friends but it didn’t impact my family life or my going to college. In return my mom watched my kids when needed.

Totally understand where you're coming from.

Living with and caring for a disabled adult parent is not comparable to taking care of a young child.  First of all, the child is progressing fairly quickly through stages that lead to them being a functional, somewhat independent person, even at a relatively young age.  If the parent is working full time, they generally have mostly full time help through daycare, school, the occasional babysitter, and/or helpful grandparent.  Even parents with permanently disabled or mentally ill children have to make decisions about how/whether they can work and how to "thrive" as individuals with their own lives outside of being a caregiver and that might include supportive living arrangements or a group home. Parents also (hopefully) recognize that if they sacrifice too much of themselves, the children will suffer anyway.

[Metalcat]

Wow.

So I took a fairly long hiatus from anything but my own journal in 2022, so I'm just catching up on this now.

It's going to take me a bit to process my thoughts on so many updates, but I'm going to say one thing, and I'm not sure it's the right thing to say, so I'm going to keep it simple.

I am part of a Christian leadership community of established ministers, all of whom have theology PhDs. I'm not a minister, or have a theology degree, but I helped put the group together and they like my essays. So I just wanted to frame that I'm quite involved in the study and interpretation of Christianity. I'm also currently studying clinical psychology, and have a background in psychology.

With that said, my small point that I want to make is that I truly understand you wanting a Christian perspective on your counselling. However, I can confidently say that many Christian counsellors would have a very different take on your situation than your particular Christian counsellor.

She is a guide, not an authority on how faith and mental health combine for you. So if you feel strengthened and empowered by her particular take on things, then run with it. But if you don't, you don't have to take her interpretation as gospel (pun intended).

Okay. I will say one more thing.

She contrasted your comfort and your duty to your mother. I want to encourage you to move away from the concept of any of this being about your comfort and instead conceptualize choices that contribute to your thriving vs your degradation.

You do require a certain degree of comfort in order to thrive. You should feel no guilt or shame, that's a basic human requirement.

There is no honour and no grace in failing to thrive when you *could* make choices to do so. I think from your latest updates that you are really starting to internalize that.

One can sacrifice and experience intense discomfort and *still* thrive, but that thriving under those conditions requires a lot of resources and supports.

If you let thriving be your guide, decisions can become a lot easier and more intuitive.

Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your initial thoughts.  Of course, if you have more insight to share I'm all ears.

I'm not exactly sure what failure to thrive actually means..I did Google it and read some initial info but it seemed to be pediatric related so I don't think I was looking at the right thing.  I know thriving in the general sense means just to prosper, so I do think I understand where you are coming from.

Right now my guide 'is' somewhat associated with thriving actually.  For instance, I think that once my mom receives disability, it is possible to care for her in a home environment (from simply a financial perspective) 'if' I had a live-in caregiver.  However, I do also believe that there's a very high risk that my own mental/emotional health and well-being in general would decline.  First, because even with caregiving support in the home, there will be many times I have to step in and support which could easily become exhausting for someone like me that is introverted, low energy, highly-sensitive and already suffers from my own depression.  Second, because of the chaotic nature of our relationship which is rooted in my mother having multiple, longstanding, untreated mental health issues.  In short, I recognize the risk of me 'going downhill' if I were to bring her home.  Not to say it's a 'given', but it's a high risk.

I'd prayed about the whole 'moving in together' thing SO much prior to the stroke (as you'll recall my mother had lost her house several years ago and I was just waiting for the 'shoe to drop' in terms of her being evicted), and the eerie thing is how the more I prayed, the more arguments we'd have when we did get together/visit each other.  It was getting to a point where I almost felt as if God was saying to me, 'hey, make whatever move you want to in the future..just know this is the current state of your mother's mental health and your relationship with her, so be warned this will be your life going forward if you cannot change to adjust to it as your parent is not going to be the one changing'.  ETA:  If I'm completely honest, I felt God was also showing me ways in which I'm not the easiest person to get along with/live with, ways in which I am unnecessarily negative and don't actually have as much patience as I see myself as having.  So there's that side of things, too (yikes).

In regards to feeling guilt, honestly I probably just need to stop comparing myself to others because I think that is ultimately what causes a lot of it.  For instance:

-I have a best friend who has moved to another state and is building a whole house from scratch (with an accessible in-law suite) to prepare to move her mother in to at some point in the next few years.  I find it admirable.  But she's married, with likely a totally different financial situation than mine, her mother doesn't have the kind of mental issues mine does, she has a close and supportive familial system, and 'most' importantly her mom is not currently severely disabled.  So, she could, albeit difficult, likely move her mom in and still thrive much easier than I could. 

-I've also been in multiple caregiving forums where someone in a non-American culture stepped in to say how hard it was for them to take in and care for a parent, but how it is culturally normal for them to do so and how American culture is so different in that Americans tend to be less self-sacrificing/see the parent as more of a burden/lack the 'it takes a village' mentality that allows the family to plan together to keep a parent at home and out of a facility/etc.  In other words, I've also been reading numerous stories from the 'non American caretaker who lead/managed the process of keeping a sick parent in the home', and felt guilty not being able to relate to their story of how they "had a hard life caring for their parent for years, but did it out of love and would never ever have had it any other way because their parent cared for/housed/clothed them as a child and it's only right that in the parent's old age the children do the same for them."  I literally have read of multiple instances where such caretakers stated 'it was their honor to sacrifice to care for their parent in their old age'.  When I compared myself to people like this I would ask myself 'what's wrong with me that I can't sacrifice for the person that did so for me?' 

I know that's a lot, I'm already an over-thinker by nature so I've had a LOT of time the past 8 months since my mom's stroke to get different perspectives from others (and obviously I continue to do so).  Ultimately I find value in all the different perspectives but do also acknowledge how I have to make decisions that are best for me considering my individual/personal circumstances, so the 'comparing' part for me is something I need to stop doing.

Yes, I remember your story well and contributed quite a bit back in the pre-eviction days.

Re: thriving. This is really a personal, intuitive thing. Basically, are you moving towards being a stronger, healthier, more self sufficient, happier, self-actualized person or are you moving more towards falling apart?

This is why I wanted to draw the comparison away from comfort vs sacrifice. When it comes to sacrifice, many of a can afford to sacrifice a hell of a lot of comfort and still thrive.

Your friend building the house has the resources and support to be able to do so. What is she sacrificing? Probably just some comfort and luxury, but it's not likely to damage her ability to thrive. If anything, the reward of being able to help will likely make her thrive more.

When thriving is on the line, this is the difference between selfishness and basic responsible self-preservation.

When sacrificing for a parent starts compromising your ability to maintain a career, pay for your own needs, maintain your own basic level of health/function, it's not selfish to pull back and maintain your own basic needs, it's necessary.

You have a responsibility to not let your own life and well-being fall apart. When you start sacrificing that basic level of self-care that's where you go into martyrdom. It's not kindness to just cannibalize function from yourself to give it to someone else. It's kindness when you do what you can to raise both parties up.

If you don't have a ton of resources yourself, this means your capacity to raise up someone else is limited.

As you may recall, I have a similar mom, and mine is starting to lose her cognitive function, so I TOTALLY get the challenge in balancing being hurt and frustrated by a stubborn, unwell, irresponsible, self-destructive parent with whom you have to find of balance of holding them accountable, but also understanding that they have limitations and just can't be held accountable much of the time.

It's complicated as fuck.

The advantage I have though is I have a veritable army of supports in my corner reminding me constantly that I need to take care of myself, that there is no honour in sacrificing my function for hers.

See I have an important factor that you don't. I'm currently in a bigger health crisis than my mom is. There are things I could sacrifice to help her more, but they would compromise my condition and my recovery, which is critical.

But truthfully, your situation isn't any different. You have experienced a major mental health injury that you need to nurture and recover from. Your life has taken massive hits that to need to nurture and recover from.

I may need a wheelchair and multiple gruesome surgeries, but in many ways I'm in better shape than you are thanks to the massive amount of support I have. I'm thriving.

So spend a bit of quality time conceptualizing what thriving means to you. A simple exercise is to project forward one year, 5 years, and 10 years. Assuming everything stays the same, what does your life look like? Feel like? How is your body doing? How is your mind holding up?

If you look forward and keeping on the exact trajectory you are on, things look bright, optimistic, and you are really looking forward to that future, congrats, you are thriving.

If you look forward and think "I don't know how long I can keep this up," or you worry about what state your body will be in, or you know your mental health will be worse, then you are operating beyond your own adaptive capacity, and you need to look carefully at your resources and how you are spending them.

[Weisass]

I'd prayed about the whole 'moving in together' thing SO much prior to the stroke (as you'll recall my mother had lost her house several years ago and I was just waiting for the 'shoe to drop' in terms of her being evicted), and the eerie thing is how the more I prayed, the more arguments we'd have when we did get together/visit each other.  It was getting to a point where I almost felt as if God was saying to me, 'hey, make whatever move you want to in the future..just know this is the current state of your mother's mental health and your relationship with her, so be warned this will be your life going forward if you cannot change to adjust to it as your parent is not going to be the one changing'. 

This, right here. I find that prayer has a way of helping me see more clearly what is already there. And I think you are spot on--that praying for something is helping you pay attention to what you actually have, and it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what those choices would mean for you.

All this to say, I'm rooting for you. Prayers that you find peace with whatever decision you make.

Yeah, I had to go back and add on an 'ETA' to that original statement fyi...

Yes, prayer can and will open your eyes to a LOT. 

I appreciate your prayers by the way.

WEll, I think it shows a lot of self awareness to be willing to learn about yourself as well. We can't change or improve ourselves if we aren't willing to pay attention to our own areas for growth and self-knowledge.

[Metalcat]

I'd prayed about the whole 'moving in together' thing SO much prior to the stroke (as you'll recall my mother had lost her house several years ago and I was just waiting for the 'shoe to drop' in terms of her being evicted), and the eerie thing is how the more I prayed, the more arguments we'd have when we did get together/visit each other.  It was getting to a point where I almost felt as if God was saying to me, 'hey, make whatever move you want to in the future..just know this is the current state of your mother's mental health and your relationship with her, so be warned this will be your life going forward if you cannot change to adjust to it as your parent is not going to be the one changing'. 

This, right here. I find that prayer has a way of helping me see more clearly what is already there. And I think you are spot on--that praying for something is helping you pay attention to what you actually have, and it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what those choices would mean for you.

All this to say, I'm rooting for you. Prayers that you find peace with whatever decision you make.

Yeah, I had to go back and add on an 'ETA' to that original statement fyi...

Yes, prayer can and will open your eyes to a LOT. 

I appreciate your prayers by the way.

WEll, I think it shows a lot of self awareness to be willing to learn about yourself as well. We can't change or improve ourselves if we aren't willing to pay attention to our own areas for growth and self-knowledge.

Yeah, there's a lot of self awareness and work on self awareness going on here. It's great.

[lhamo]

I mentioned this on another thread but going to drop it here, too.  A psychology podcast I have been binging lately has a good catchphrase:

Choose guilt over resentment.

I was the point person for my mom's care during her decline, but I knew 100% that it could only be a part time thing for me.  She was very opposed to being a burden to anyone so agreed to move into assisted living when it was time, and while she wasn't entirely happy there (hard to adjust to life in a facility when she had lived on her own for the last 40 years) she always expressed her gratitude to me and my siblings that we found a safe, welcoming, affordable place for her. 

My SO is from another culture where moving parents to a facility is taboo, so they have been caring for their mom in her home for the last 10+ years.  They have help, but it comes and goes.  Their sibling relationships have been sorely tested -- and even nearly destroyed in a few cases -- by the physical and mental stress of it all.  It is really tragic.  And not worth it. 

[iluvzbeach]

@lhamo - do you mind sharing the name of the podcast you referenced?

[lhamo]

It's the Dr. John Delony show -- he's part of the Ramsey squad, but much more liberal/open-minded than most of them (though he does have an evangelical background).