Case study-expat home schooling

[metamorphosing]

Hi all,
We are in a bit of a predicament. We have been living overseas for roughly  four years and both of our sons (19 & 10) are in schools that we pay for. The oldest is in his 2nd year of college in the states and originally had a full ride academic scholarship, but lost it for this year. We are totally against student loans, so we had to pay 10k this semester out of pocket. Also, this summer, the DW grandma passed (at the end of May). She had to fly back when she was on her deathbed and then when she passed(we all attended the funeral) so we spent a nice chunk of change on Tix for the family. There was also a house emergency in the states so the wife had to go back in July (alone) as well. And finally the wife and two sons flew back in August for two weeks to handle appointments and drop the oldest at school.
As you can probably tell we probably have not been able to save much over the past few years. We planned on staying until June 2020 and leaving here. We are not 100% sure where we go next (I'm a military contractor)but it won't be here for sure.  That's the abbreviated back story. Now here is the issue:

The youngest is going to the 5th grade and is on the autism spectrum. The quality of his school is ok and the place has a lot of Americans. It's that time of year again to register him and I simply don't have the funds to do this (9k USD) We are looking into home schooling. The DW is on the fence about it and I'm good on it. We both agree that we would rather do the instructing ourselves because we know what he needs. That would require me to switch to a swing shift working 1400-2200 and I would teach him during the day,science, social studies, tech Ed,gym,  trips, activities, etc.. i'm switching because I have the leeway to do so and she doesn't (she's a teacher). She would teach him math, English, etc..
 My DW is on the fence
about this because we rarely get a lot of time together as it is because we did a lot of running this past school year. Also, she is worried how my son will adapt to it. I think it will be an adjustment period, but he will take to it after a few weeks. She is also a lil pissed because she wanted to home school him 5 years ago, but I wasn't on board (she was sick a lot back then) so I didn't want to put unneeded stress on the situation then.

Also, we are opting to go the homeschool route because:
-The other options for schools around here either suck or are way more expensive.
-Sending them home to the states is not an option either. It's just too expensive to maintain two households and pay for my oldest son college

Thoughts??

[DoNorth]

that's a tough one and I suppose a lot of what you're asking depends on what extra assistance your son requires and whether or not you and your wife can  provide that assistance.  I personally wouldn't try it because I'm not a teacher and the thought of teaching all day, then going to work until 10 doesn't sound like its worth the tradeoff of living overseas for another 24 mos or so.  You pay taxes in the US I presume or you have some of your income sheltered for tax exclusion?  Maybe ask yourself if you were doing the same job in the US, would your difference in pay be $9K or more?  If so, maybe it make sense to stay overseas and fork out the money while using your extra spare time to help your son with homework or other points he needs assistance with.  If not, look at moving to a good school district in the US where you can take advantage of professionals who are trained in autism.  In either of these cases, I'd be asking my employer for 1. a CONUS opportunity, 2. an educational stipend to offset the cost of his schooling.

[AMandM]

Homeschooler and former academic expat here.  I see two questions here: (1) Should you homeschool? and (2) Assuming you should, how can you manage that happily?

(1) No education is perfect.  What are the pros and cons of the school vs homeschooling?  Are you happy with your son's school, except for the cost? (It's not clear to me whether you'd rather instruct him yourselves compared to school or compared to homeschooling with tutors etc.) If so, I would look in to ways to keep him there. Maybe you could pay the tuition in instalments, or maybe a friend or relative could lend it to you to be paid back over the course of the year, maybe this would be one thing worth going into debt for (presumably only temporarily), etc.  Or maybe the school is not ideal anyway, and the tuition just tips the cost/benefit analysis definitely over to homeschooling.

(2) Assuming you do want to homeschool (which can be very fruitful for kids on the spectrum--as you say, you know what he needs), you're right that there are potential pitfalls, but these can be avoided or minimized with some forethought.  I think the key is to recognize that time, like money, is a limited resource, and homeschooling means adding another job to the ones you are already doing (though admittedly not a full-time job).

First off, that means your wife's concern about time for the two of you is really, really valid. You (plural) should make a plan that dedicates time for the two of you, and protect it fiercely.

You'll have to think about whether you can cut some other activities.

You can also think about ways to homeschool efficiently. Some examples: writing across the curriculum; incorporating tech ed (if you really need it) into other subjects by using tech tools for writing or data collection; combining foreign language and social studies by learning about your host country.

As to your son's adaptation to homeschooling, it should be possible to arrange the academics so those changes are beneficial for him.  There are resources, including support groups, for homeschooling special needs kids. If your son has friends through school, you will have to make efforts to sustain those social interactions. If there's a DoD school near you, I hear that they are very accommodating to homeschoolers when it comes to things like extracurriculars, taking one class, etc. I don't have any personal experience with that, since our time abroad wasn't anywhere near a US military location.

Finally, you (personally) should acknowledge to your wife that you've flipped positions since five years ago, so it's understandable that she's peeved.  I would be honest about what has made you change your mind.

Good luck however you decide!

[Endersmom]

I home schooled my daughter for 3 years from gr.5-7 and she is going back to public school next week because she asked. I am a full time stay at home mom and Trinity was pretty much the perfect student and it was still hard. My youngest brother is high functioning autistic and I adore him, but there is no way I would be able to have home schooled him. Obviously lots of people do home school special need kids and it is a wonderful experience for both parent and child. I just think it will be hard while also working. I think you need to ask yourself if money wasn't an issue would home schooling be something you would be considering? I just want you to go into this eyes wide open, what will you do if you decided to homeschool and things don't work the way you had hoped or you and your wife don't agree on how the other is teaching ( my husband and I struggled with this) would it just be for one year or long term? I can only speak to my experience with my brother but even just getting back into routine every September was hard for him. I think it is wonderful that you are paying for your oldest to go to university but maybe they could take out loans that you could help or fully pay off for them that wouldn't have you being tight of money in the short term. Sorry if I have overstepped, or come across negative to your ideas, tone is tricky online and just want to help point out things to consider

[ThaiSmile]

We are totally against student loans, so we had to pay 10k this semester out of pocket.

You might reconsider the stance on a student loan. While you may not want to see your eldest strapped with debt, it might instill some discipline. When I was in Uni my parents had the same situation and they explained to me their limits. When I graduated, I stayed at home while I worked and the first thing I did was to pay off my student loans. I have never had a single debt since then.

You and your DW have many more years to live and a younger one that will need many more years of support, so putting yourself into a very stressful situation might not be the best thing, especially while living abroad with no other family support. Good luck. -TS

[ysette9]

If your finances really are so tight that you can’t come up with $9k for your younger son then you have no business paying cash for your older’s tuition. He had a scholarship that he lost, his parents don’t have money, so he needs to get a job and get some loans.

I agree with others that you should think hard about your motivation for doing homeschool. That is a job and you both already have other jobs. Is your son really going to be better off? Would you consider that if you had the cash for school fees?

I suggest you do a full case study to get a handle on your finances. It sounds like you are in a precarious place. Can you, for example, downsize to only one household? These forums are good for pointing out areas to trim.

[metamorphosing]

that's a tough one and I suppose a lot of what you're asking depends on what extra assistance your son requires and whether or not you and your wife can  provide that assistance.  I personally wouldn't try it because I'm not a teacher and the thought of teaching all day, then going to work until 10 doesn't sound like its worth the tradeoff of living overseas for another 24 mos or so.  You pay taxes in the US I presume or you have some of your income sheltered for tax exclusion?  Maybe ask yourself if you were doing the same job in the US, would your difference in pay be $9K or more?  If so, maybe it make sense to stay overseas and fork out the money while using your extra spare time to help your son with homework or other points he needs assistance with.  If not, look at moving to a good school district in the US where you can take advantage of professionals who are trained in autism.  In either of these cases, I'd be asking my employer for 1. a CONUS opportunity, 2. an educational stipend to offset the cost of his schooling.

Thanks for the reply..
I personally don't mind teaching my son because this has been something on my mind for a while. I guess the events of the summer has forced us to do this. Last year I felt the quality dropped off in his school but we toughed it out. As far as student loans..that is something DW and I are set against. If he doesn't do what's needed he will be doing classes online period from here. Impossible to transfer right now and they won't give us more money for school

[spicykissa]

Out of curiosity, does your younger son have an opinion on this? Friends/activities at the school he would miss? How does he feel about being home with his parents all day? A 5th grader is probably old enough to have some say.

And I think it's kind of awful that you've paid out $10k for your older son who messed up and lost his scholarship and now don't have $9k for your younger son's school. These are choices (as was attending the funeral, and keeping your house in the US, and so on). It's not like having to register him was a surprise.

I may be biased, but I was homeschooled, and it is not great for every kid. I and my oldest cousin did fine. My brother, and multiple of my other cousins did not do well--2 for social reasons, and 2 for academic. If your son is doing well in school, you should think long and hard about changes.

[former player]

And I think it's kind of awful that you've paid out $10k for your older son who messed up and lost his scholarship and now don't have $9k for your younger son's school. These are choices (as was attending the funeral, and keeping your house in the US, and so on). It's not like having to register him was a surprise.

I agree with this.  Your financial obligations to your son who is still a minor and living with you at home come before your financial obligations to your older son who is (legally) an adult and is not living with you.   (Do your sons have different mothers?  I am wondering this because of the age gap and the skewed priorities.)  Also, where are the consequences for your older son losing his full scholarship if you are just going to replace it with no academic requirements?  You are sending him a very bad message.

And, because this is a financial responsibility forum, you need massive facepunches for your financial situation.   As an expat you should be earning significantly more than you would at home: that's why people are expats.   And you should have commensurately big savings and emergency funds.  You are wasting your earnings if you can't even find enough to pay for your younger son's schooling, which is a standard expat expense and should be a baseline expenditure not an "extra".  The house in the States should be rented out and have a good management company.  Living abroad may mean that the whole family doesn't fly to deathbeds and funerals if the money for the tickets isn't there.

[MrThatsDifferent]

And I think it's kind of awful that you've paid out $10k for your older son who messed up and lost his scholarship and now don't have $9k for your younger son's school. These are choices (as was attending the funeral, and keeping your house in the US, and so on). It's not like having to register him was a surprise.

I agree with this.  Your financial obligations to your son who is still a minor and living with you at home come before your financial obligations to your older son who is (legally) an adult and is not living with you.   (Do your sons have different mothers?  I am wondering this because of the age gap and the skewed priorities.)  Also, where are the consequences for your older son losing his full scholarship if you are just going to replace it with no academic requirements?  You are sending him a very bad message.

And, because this is a financial responsibility forum, you need massive facepunches for your financial situation.   As an expat you should be earning significantly more than you would at home: that's why people are expats.   And you should have commensurately big savings and emergency funds.  You are wasting your earnings if you can't even find enough to pay for your younger son's schooling, which is a standard expat expense and should be a baseline expenditure not an "extra".  The house in the States should be rented out and have a good management company.  Living abroad may mean that the whole family doesn't fly to deathbeds and funerals if the money for the tickets isn't there.

Brutal dude. Talk about kicking people when they’re down. Damage is done, rubbing salts serves nothing. Any constructive advice?

My thoughts would be, let the older son take out the loans, that pays for school. Focus the money you have on sending the younger one to school, so you have time for your life and marriage. Expat life is tough enough without having the extra burdens. If you’re focused on paying the older son’s college, you can still pay off th loans later when you’ve saved up. Use the loan to buy you some time.

That sucks that som much crap has happened, none of it is easy. You can have it all, just not necessarily not all at once. Good luck.

[former player]

And I think it's kind of awful that you've paid out $10k for your older son who messed up and lost his scholarship and now don't have $9k for your younger son's school. These are choices (as was attending the funeral, and keeping your house in the US, and so on). It's not like having to register him was a surprise.

I agree with this.  Your financial obligations to your son who is still a minor and living with you at home come before your financial obligations to your older son who is (legally) an adult and is not living with you.   (Do your sons have different mothers?  I am wondering this because of the age gap and the skewed priorities.)  Also, where are the consequences for your older son losing his full scholarship if you are just going to replace it with no academic requirements?  You are sending him a very bad message.

And, because this is a financial responsibility forum, you need massive facepunches for your financial situation.   As an expat you should be earning significantly more than you would at home: that's why people are expats.   And you should have commensurately big savings and emergency funds.  You are wasting your earnings if you can't even find enough to pay for your younger son's schooling, which is a standard expat expense and should be a baseline expenditure not an "extra".  The house in the States should be rented out and have a good management company.  Living abroad may mean that the whole family doesn't fly to deathbeds and funerals if the money for the tickets isn't there.

Brutal dude. Talk about kicking people when they’re down. Damage is done, rubbing salts serves nothing. Any constructive advice?

My thoughts would be, let the older son take out the loans, that pays for school. Focus the money you have on sending the younger one to school, so you have time for your life and marriage. Expat life is tough enough without having the extra burdens. If you’re focused on paying the older son’s college, you can still pay off th loans later when you’ve saved up. Use the loan to buy you some time.

That sucks that som much crap has happened, none of it is easy. You can have it all, just not necessarily not all at once. Good luck.

This is the place for facepunches, right?  Detailed advice would require a case study which we don't have.  But in the meantime, my most constructive advice would be -


1.  OP needs to listen to his wife.  Hard.  And again.  In this case, if she says they need time together, they need time together.  OP can't afford school fees, even less can he afford a divorce.

2.  OP has a younger son with a likely lifelong disability.  His focus needs to be on his son getting the stable upbringing and good education which will give his son the best chance of a happy and independent adulthood.  That focus also serves the interests of his older son, who could then go through life with more of a sibling and less of a dependent.  (I've seen at close hand the toll that lifelong responsibility for a disabled sibling takes - it's not just the role as carer, it's the loss of the sibling relationship that might have been.)  In this case, that probably means borrowing to pay the school fees - the homeschool option which might in other circumstances be a reasonable idea should not be a last minute panic to avoid spending money.

3.  OP needs to tell older son that there is no more money for tuition, living expenses or plane tickets this academic year.  He can tell older son that he is working on a budget that will get them back on track for some expenses next year but that this is by no means certain.

4.  OP needs to sit down with his wife and work out a budget that cuts out all discretionary spending until 1) debts have been repaid, 2) provision has been made for future school fees and 3) an adequate emergency fund has been built up.  Discretionary spending includes plane tickets, cleaners, expensive or not strictly necessary cars, restaurants, clothes, etc etc.

[Goldielocks]

There is a critical issue here that you are not thinking about....

What sort of retirement funds are you creating?   If you are very short of cash, while expat, I imagine that it is next to nothing.

BUT, if you are not paying SS and other costs (some expat employers do this, especially government overseas), then  you are missing out on years of contributions and need to put the equivalent into your own accounts while you are overseas.  So many expats I know overlook this.

What is your retirement plan?

For today's scenario - it sounds like you want to try home schooling.   Why not for a year? Then put him back into school (to get the support your family may need). After all, next year you will not have the flight expenses and your other son should be able to start working part time / find a good summer job to pay for a lot more of his costs for 4th year.