Would you put your partner in your will? (Not married)

[tygertygertyger]

In the US, partner is used generally only in the context of same sex union. By doing so, it’s clear to me that society is making a distinction.

This isn't really true at all, at least in my circles.

I think it's more that the term "partner" was first embraced in the US by the LGBTQ community, and so it has come to be associated with same-sex unions by default. More of a connotation than a deliberate distinction, but that's still enough for some folks to make an assumption if you use the term without providing further gender context.

And that's why I sometimes use partner deliberately, to try to combat the impression that partner = same sex partner.  I *want* there to be a non-gendered term that can be used equally for same sex and opposite sex pairings and for married/unmarried, so I try to embrace it to help that idea along.

I do this as well. Basically if the person I am addressing is an acquaintance or someone I am just meeting through my workplace or networking I will use the terms partner or family member because there really is no reason my sexual orientation/martial status/household structure should be relevant to the conversation.

Yep. I use 'partner' All. The. Time. Anyone who knows me well knows what relationship I'm in, and if they don't, who cares. I like normalizing the term. 

[youngwildandfree]

When I first heard "partner" used it was almost exclusively for same sex relationships.  Now it is used by others but it still makes me think it might be a same sex relationship when I hear the term. 

Regarding the use of "girl" for a grown woman, that's a regional/cultural distinction.  Our plan manager is a woman who moved here (rural midwest) from California.  She corrected a department head when he referred to the two secretaries working for him as "my girls".  The plant manager took it as a demeaning term but both of the women told me they liked being referred to that way.

It can be regional/cultural, but in a professional setting you should really avoid referring to women as girls. The fact that he would say "my girls" as though they belong to him is extra unprofessional. I also grew up in a rural setting and I would call that nonsense out in a heartbeat.

[Metalcat]

When I first heard "partner" used it was almost exclusively for same sex relationships.  Now it is used by others but it still makes me think it might be a same sex relationship when I hear the term. 

Regarding the use of "girl" for a grown woman, that's a regional/cultural distinction.  Our plan manager is a woman who moved here (rural midwest) from California.  She corrected a department head when he referred to the two secretaries working for him as "my girls".  The plant manager took it as a demeaning term but both of the women told me they liked being referred to that way.

It can be regional/cultural, but in a professional setting you should really avoid referring to women as girls. The fact that he would say "my girls" as though they belong to him is extra unprofessional. I also grew up in a rural setting and I would call that nonsense out in a heartbeat.

Also, just because some women are okay with paternalistic behaviour doesn't mean the there isn't an increasing consensus that it's not acceptable.

Where I did my doctorate, sexual harrassment was common. However, no one ever reported the sexual harrassers, in fact, the mostly female class actually preferred working with the creepy sexual harrassers because they were nicer than the overtly bullying abusers.

Every Wednesday morning I had a choice between working with a clinical supervisor who went out of her way to publicly belittle and humiliate me or the head of the department who was really nice to me, but got drunk at faculty events and said graphic sexual things about me to my boyfriend.

That's where harrassment thrives, in environments where men can get away with it because their attention and praise is so desperately wanted. That's what makes it so insidious.

So yes, even if the female subordinates like the inappropriate behaviour, it doesn't make it magically appropriate.

That's why any fraternizing with subordinates should be approached with extreme caution. The power dynamic makes it inherently problematic.

[renata ricotta]

In an attempt to veer away from terminology, I would put my boyfriend/significant other/partner in my will if:

- We had kid(s) together or were definitively planning on doing so imminently (not just nebulous wanting to work out long term with someone)

- We owned property together, especially if it would be onerous to pay the mortgage or carrying costs on our primary residence without me (but as others noted, a quicker way to cover this risk is to name her as the beneficiary to your life insurance policy or other asset)

- After deliberate discussions (not just time + assumptions), we mutually concluded that our relationship was as permanent/indefinite and committed as a traditional marriage, we just don't care to get the formal paper for whatever reason.


Edited to add: If you end up doing this, I'd add some parameters in the event the relationship ends. If you just say that Jane Doe gets X% of your estate, probate won't care if you broke up before your death. But, even with a term in your will, breakups and their effective dates are less definitive than formal divorces, so this adds an extra level of uncertainty that your estate might need to deal with in the event you pass away while things were rocky or uncertain or during a trial separation, etc.

[Metalcat]

In an attempt to veer away from terminology, I would put my boyfriend/significant other/partner in my will if:

- We had kid(s) together or were definitively planning on doing so imminently (not just nebulous wanting to work out long term with someone)

- We owned property together, especially if it would be onerous to pay the mortgage or carrying costs on our primary residence without me (but as others noted, a quicker way to cover this risk is to name her as the beneficiary to your life insurance policy or other asset)

- After deliberate discussions (not just time + assumptions), we mutually concluded that our relationship was as permanent/indefinite and committed as a traditional marriage, we just don't care to get the formal paper for whatever reason.

Lol, OP literally hasn't returned to their own thread in over a week. We're all just derailing it because, well, why not?

[renata ricotta]

In an attempt to veer away from terminology, I would put my boyfriend/significant other/partner in my will if:

- We had kid(s) together or were definitively planning on doing so imminently (not just nebulous wanting to work out long term with someone)

- We owned property together, especially if it would be onerous to pay the mortgage or carrying costs on our primary residence without me (but as others noted, a quicker way to cover this risk is to name her as the beneficiary to your life insurance policy or other asset)

- After deliberate discussions (not just time + assumptions), we mutually concluded that our relationship was as permanent/indefinite and committed as a traditional marriage, we just don't care to get the formal paper for whatever reason.

Lol, OP literally hasn't returned to their own thread in over a week. We're all just derailing it because, well, why not?

*Shrug* I've come back to threads after a few days of vacation/busy work weeks/whatever. And I've also searched for old threads on topics I'd like advice on to avoid reinventing the wheel. And what are forums for, if not to shout my opinions on a given subject into the internet void, not knowing whether they will ever reach interested ears?

[youngwildandfree]

Also in the spirit of being opinionated...

The topic was clearly always a deeply personal matter with little background. OP might as well have asked if they should get married. *shrug*

[FLBiker]

Referring (just for the heck of it) to the original question: Would you put your partner in your will? (Not married)

No.  I had various partners / GFs / SOs over the years before getting married, and I never put them in a will.  At the same time, I never had a will (just account beneficiaries).  They were never my beneficiaries, though -- I had my parents and siblings.

Re: the language, it is definitely cultural.  I'm American, 44, and would still probably use girlfriend if I were in a committed non-married situation of any duration, many due to the lack of other options.  However, we recently moved to Canada, and folks here use partner A LOT, for all circumstances (same sex / not same sex / married / not married) and it's kind of great.  At the same time, the American in my tends to assume same sex when I first hear it.  I'm slow to adopt new language / accents, so I imagine it will be a while before I pick it up but I am definitely pro-non-gendered and non-marital-status-specific language whenever possible.

[Metalcat]

Also in the spirit of being opinionated...

The topic was clearly always a deeply personal matter with little background. OP might as well have asked if they should get married. *shrug*

Exactly.

That's my point. The thread never had enough to go on as it was, so what could be shared other than "it depends" and "here's my personal anecdote".

Otherwise, the derailment convo is just as valid to have, since it's impossible to stay on track with an OP question that no one can meaningfully contribute to without more info.

Also, FTR, drive by threads are a huge pet peeve of mine

[RetiredAt63]

In an attempt to veer away from terminology, I would put my boyfriend/significant other/partner in my will if:

- We had kid(s) together or were definitively planning on doing so imminently (not just nebulous wanting to work out long term with someone)

- We owned property together, especially if it would be onerous to pay the mortgage or carrying costs on our primary residence without me (but as others noted, a quicker way to cover this risk is to name her as the beneficiary to your life insurance policy or other asset)

- After deliberate discussions (not just time + assumptions), we mutually concluded that our relationship was as permanent/indefinite and committed as a traditional marriage, we just don't care to get the formal paper for whatever reason.

Lol, OP literally hasn't returned to their own thread in over a week. We're all just derailing it because, well, why not?

This was OP's most recent post.  OP seems to be wilderness camping at the moment.  Or other non-internet equivalent. 

[Metalcat]

In an attempt to veer away from terminology, I would put my boyfriend/significant other/partner in my will if:

- We had kid(s) together or were definitively planning on doing so imminently (not just nebulous wanting to work out long term with someone)

- We owned property together, especially if it would be onerous to pay the mortgage or carrying costs on our primary residence without me (but as others noted, a quicker way to cover this risk is to name her as the beneficiary to your life insurance policy or other asset)

- After deliberate discussions (not just time + assumptions), we mutually concluded that our relationship was as permanent/indefinite and committed as a traditional marriage, we just don't care to get the formal paper for whatever reason.

Lol, OP literally hasn't returned to their own thread in over a week. We're all just derailing it because, well, why not?

This was OP's most recent post.  OP seems to be wilderness camping at the moment.  Or other non-internet equivalent.

That's great for OP. Maybe they'll come back eventually. Maybe not.

I still have no problem with threads getting totally detailed for fun when an OP walks away from them.

[RetiredAt63]

In an attempt to veer away from terminology, I would put my boyfriend/significant other/partner in my will if:

- We had kid(s) together or were definitively planning on doing so imminently (not just nebulous wanting to work out long term with someone)

- We owned property together, especially if it would be onerous to pay the mortgage or carrying costs on our primary residence without me (but as others noted, a quicker way to cover this risk is to name her as the beneficiary to your life insurance policy or other asset)

- After deliberate discussions (not just time + assumptions), we mutually concluded that our relationship was as permanent/indefinite and committed as a traditional marriage, we just don't care to get the formal paper for whatever reason.

Lol, OP literally hasn't returned to their own thread in over a week. We're all just derailing it because, well, why not?

This was OP's most recent post.  OP seems to be wilderness camping at the moment.  Or other non-internet equivalent.

That's great for OP. Maybe they'll come back eventually. Maybe not.

I still have no problem with threads getting totally detailed for fun when an OP walks away from them.

I am also fine with posts that have a life of their own.  Just a mild (very mild, passing, fleeting) regret the OP doesn't reap any benefit from a post they started.  The rest of us have fun and possibly learn something.

[Metalcat]

In an attempt to veer away from terminology, I would put my boyfriend/significant other/partner in my will if:

- We had kid(s) together or were definitively planning on doing so imminently (not just nebulous wanting to work out long term with someone)

- We owned property together, especially if it would be onerous to pay the mortgage or carrying costs on our primary residence without me (but as others noted, a quicker way to cover this risk is to name her as the beneficiary to your life insurance policy or other asset)

- After deliberate discussions (not just time + assumptions), we mutually concluded that our relationship was as permanent/indefinite and committed as a traditional marriage, we just don't care to get the formal paper for whatever reason.

Lol, OP literally hasn't returned to their own thread in over a week. We're all just derailing it because, well, why not?

This was OP's most recent post.  OP seems to be wilderness camping at the moment.  Or other non-internet equivalent.

That's great for OP. Maybe they'll come back eventually. Maybe not.

I still have no problem with threads getting totally detailed for fun when an OP walks away from them.

I am also fine with posts that have a life of their own.  Just a mild (very mild, passing, fleeting) regret the OP doesn't reap any benefit from a post they started.  The rest of us have fun and possibly learn something.

Oh, OP can easily bring the convo back on track if they want to when they return. All they have to do is come back and start answering some of the many clarifying questions people posed and I'm sure we'll all fall back inline like we usually do.