Author Topic: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?  (Read 8209 times)

monstermonster

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My SO and I are considering moving into an apartment together when his lease is up in November (his rent is going up 7% despite being already overpriced), but the apartment we've put in an application on (we had to move fast to hold it, apartments don't stay open for more than a day in this rental market) is $1495/month for a large 1-bedroom. I currently pay $597.50 to share a 2-bedroom.

Here's the issue that I'm running into: I'm slightly unsettled by the prospect of a sharing an apartment that I can't comfortably cover the whole rent for more than a few months if something were to happen to him. The rent by itself is 50% of my gross income. I currently save 50% of my net income (as does he.)

He makes 4 times what I do in earned income (his rental property income is separate). Despite that, we've always split things 50/50.  I've proposed an unequal split for the rent- I suggested we split the rent $950 him/$550 me, which has me spending $50 less than my current rent (for half of a 2-bedroom) and him spending $600 less than he currently spends for a studio. He's comfortable with this, but I'm pretty uncomfortable. I'm just too much of a hufflepuff, it doesn't seem safe or fair. (Though it's worth noting, if we were to split the rent proportionally by income, I'd only be paying $345 and he's still be saving money over his current place.)

I'm also conflicted about the apartment: it's going rate these days for an apartment, but I've got an old rickety, smoky apartment that's much cheaper for my own room and I've gotten used to that amount. There's no way we're going to find a deal like that, so this is close to the best deal we can get, and my apartment is pretty sad (mold, terrifying outdoor stairs I have to carry my 40lb bike up multiple times a day). But if he weren't in the picture and I had to move, I'd be looking for something much, much cheaper (and likely sub-standard.) But to choose an apartment based on his means and not mine seems..like using money that isn't mine. Living outside my means.

What would you do?

**the potential apartment also has a lot of things I would like, to be clear, like a washer/dryer and dishwasher and safe (downstairs) bike parking and it's a non-smoking building, and an epic back porch. And the rent is locked in for 18 months. My current place could go up at any time (and has been every 3 months.)

« Last Edit: October 20, 2015, 10:32:23 AM by monstermonster »

madgeylou

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2015, 10:59:17 AM »
hmm, i like your idea for a proportional rent -- but why not make it fully proportional, so that you both come out approximately the same amount ahead each month? it seems both fair and safe to me, because it sounds like your partner is more than solvent, so if some sort of emergency came up that he couldn't pay his portion of the rent out of salary, he could easily pay for it out of his savings.

i understand and respect your risk averseness on this, but i'm not sure you should let it keep you up at night. if you split the rent so that you are paying $345 and he's paying $1050, then both of you can be saving more for the future. it sounds like a win-win to me. enjoy the upgraded lifestyle and save more money!

monstermonster

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2015, 11:09:22 AM »
Have him rent the apartment out under his name, don't put your name on it.  Again explain to him that this apartment is out of your reach and you putting your name on the lease is a bad idea.  Im sure the SO will understand...
The big issue with that situation is that I already have a hard enough rental history having lived abroad (try asking an american landlord to call an only-German-speaking-reference for last rental.) If I had to move out, I would have no recent past rental history. Plus we'd likely get in trouble if I wasn't on the lease.

He did make clear (to help me feel better) that if something came up and I had to move out (like I had to suddenly move abroad or we broke up for some unforseeable reason) he would be able to cover the rent no problem- it's less than he's paying currently and much less than the income from his rentals alone.

Zikoris

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2015, 11:13:54 AM »
I would not be comfortable moving into an apartment beyond my ability to pay for solo. If it were me, I'd be looking at studios to move into rather than one bedrooms given those prices.

monstermonster

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2015, 11:14:58 AM »
i understand and respect your risk averseness on this, but i'm not sure you should let it keep you up at night. if you split the rent so that you are paying $345 and he's paying $1050, then both of you can be saving more for the future. it sounds like a win-win to me. enjoy the upgraded lifestyle and save more money!

You with your rational logic-making!

I keep asking myself if I should HAVE the upgraded lifestyle. I keep hearing MMM-voice in my brain that is like "you can't afford to have a washer/dryer and a dishwasher IN YOUR APARTMENT. Who do you think you are? You can't afford that. Stop worshiping at the consumer culture altar."

monstermonster

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #5 on: October 20, 2015, 11:16:46 AM »
I would not be comfortable moving into an apartment beyond my ability to pay for solo. If it were me, I'd be looking at studios to move into rather than one bedrooms given those prices.
If we were going to move into a studio, I'd likely just stay put in my current place. The big motivation of a 1-bedroom is all the sleep gained from not having the cat stomp on our heads at 12AM, 3AM, and 5AM. He'll move into a 1-bedroom regardless, this just cuts costs if I join him.

Britan

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #6 on: October 20, 2015, 11:29:47 AM »
I did the same thing about 6 months ago. I don't regret it. I'm the bacon earner, and I pay 100% of the apartment.

Check with the building if they allow you to break leases in extreme circumstances, e.g.: job loss, death of a leaseholder, etc. Mine does. They'd rather you leave and they fill the place with someone who won't be a hassle to get rent from. I'd have to imagine most landlords/apartment feel similarly. Worst case, if something terrible happens, you can downgrade again to a shared/roommate arrangement.

madgeylou

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #7 on: October 20, 2015, 11:33:18 AM »
i understand and respect your risk averseness on this, but i'm not sure you should let it keep you up at night. if you split the rent so that you are paying $345 and he's paying $1050, then both of you can be saving more for the future. it sounds like a win-win to me. enjoy the upgraded lifestyle and save more money!

You with your rational logic-making!

I keep asking myself if I should HAVE the upgraded lifestyle. I keep hearing MMM-voice in my brain that is like "you can't afford to have a washer/dryer and a dishwasher IN YOUR APARTMENT. Who do you think you are? You can't afford that. Stop worshiping at the consumer culture altar."

Pretty sure MMM has both a dishwasher and a washer/dryer ;)

Continue to self-flagellate if you want but I honestly don't think it's warranted in this instance. It sounds like you guys are both coming out ahead in this deal, monetarily and romantically!

FLA

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #8 on: October 20, 2015, 11:50:08 AM »

Pretty sure MMM has both a dishwasher and a washer/dryer ;)

Continue to self-flagellate if you want but I honestly don't think it's warranted in this instance. It sounds like you guys are both coming out ahead in this deal, monetarily and romantically!
[/quote]

and you and the cat are getting away from that horrible mold. GO!  I think the rent should be paid according to earnings

monstermonster

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #9 on: October 20, 2015, 11:58:14 AM »
and you and the cat are getting away from that horrible mold. GO!  I think the rent should be paid according to earnings
But what about the lifestyle inflation? I might get used to living with no mold and then what happens!? I expect mold-free apartments for the rest of my life?!

FLA

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #10 on: October 20, 2015, 12:02:11 PM »

But what about the lifestyle inflation? I might get used to living with no mold and then what happens!? I expect mold-free apartments for the rest of my life?!
[/quote]

you could also get used to getting the cat groomed and dyed, nails painted for $75

monstermonster

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #11 on: October 20, 2015, 12:05:38 PM »
you could also get used to getting the cat groomed and dyed, nails painted for $75
And then she'd expect store-bought halloween costumes instead of homemade star trek costumes!

FLA

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #12 on: October 20, 2015, 12:07:02 PM »
luxury is a slippery slope!  If you dye her pink, please post pics

norabird

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #13 on: October 20, 2015, 12:15:17 PM »
That split sounds very fair to me. Each by their own abilities, etc. Plus you both save on what you're paying now!

snuggler

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #14 on: October 20, 2015, 12:16:01 PM »
I wouldn't worry too much about lifestyle inflation. Most of us have scaled down tremendously at one or more points in our lives.

For example, I gave up a cushy private bedroom when I went to college. Not to mention group restrooms. It really wasn't that difficult.

Instead of thinking of it as making you weak, think that the potential of having to downgrade in the future as something that will make you stronger! You could do it, if you had to.

Also, for what it's worth, my SO and I do the income proportionate thing to keep things equal. It has worked very well for us, much better than when we used to do the 50/50 split.

So I'll vote for that. Put the difference between the $345 and the $597.50 into a savings account just in case anything happens and you are stuck with the rent.

Also remember that in most (perhaps all) states, that even though you could potentially be liable for the entire lease, that almost never happens, because of a landlord's duty to mitigate damages. In other words, landlords usually have to do their part to minimize the damage to them if you break the lease. That means they have to take reasonable measures to re-rent the place if you break the lease.

So, in worst case scenario, you could work very hard to get the apartment re-leased, and likely minimize or eliminate the damages to you. I've had to do this myself, when I had to break my lease to move cross-country for a new job. I didn't end up owing my landlord anything, because I found someone to take over the lease who moved in the day after I moved out.

You could also try to protect yourself through the lease and through a contract with your partner. For example, you could add a lease provision to have the lease terminate if one of the parties dies or is disabled and unable to work. You could also write a contract with your partner that if you break up, he will assume responsibility for the apartment after X days and indemnify you from any responsibility under the lease.

Lis

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #15 on: October 20, 2015, 12:19:37 PM »
you could also get used to getting the cat groomed and dyed, nails painted for $75

Please, you can do that yourself for only $50. What website are you on??

And then she'd expect store-bought halloween costumes instead of homemade star trek costumes!

I'd like the see this please.

But to slowly transition back to the topic at hand, I'd move. Your worries are legit, but I think you can move passed them. It sounds like you guys are already having great money talks - good for you! Does he have an emergency fund? (nudge nudge) If he were to suddenly lose his job would he be able to pay his share for a few months? You guys are splitting the money-now stuff nicely, but the money-then stuff doesn't all have to fall to you! Work these things out between the two of you and ask the difficult questions. But it sounds like you're already in a great place. Good luck!

(And cat pictures please)

monstermonster

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #16 on: October 20, 2015, 12:30:56 PM »
I'd like the see this please.

But to slowly transition back to the topic at hand, I'd move. Your worries are legit, but I think you can move passed them. It sounds like you guys are already having great money talks - good for you! Does he have an emergency fund? (nudge nudge) If he were to suddenly lose his job would he be able to pay his share for a few months? You guys are splitting the money-now stuff nicely, but the money-then stuff doesn't all have to fall to you! Work these things out between the two of you and ask the difficult questions. But it sounds like you're already in a great place. Good luck!

(And cat pictures please)
Cat pictures forthcoming. She has her own website even. (WE DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS I SWEAR.)

He's very solid financially. His cash-on-hand/emergency fund is bigger than his sizable annual income, and as mentioned, he has multiple rental properties with positive cash flow (they're making enough that he's not moving into the one that's an airbnb, because he's still making more off that than really expensive rent). I'm not really worried about him - might be less worried if he could cut down on the cat toy spending :-P

We're very good with money-talks (I run all the numbers for his investing because he makes so much more than me, it's way more fun than with my much smaller options.) His last relationship, though, everything was split 50/50 because they made the exact same amount of money and sometimes it's hard to get him to wrap his head around my background of coming from living with much smaller means/expectations. It's certainly much easier to date someone as poor as you -they don't expect things like washer/dryers and dishwashers.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2015, 12:33:19 PM by monstermonster »

alexrcraig

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #17 on: October 20, 2015, 12:56:13 PM »
Be upfront with him. The single biggest mistake couples make with money is not talking about it. [Mod Note: Spam link removed.]

Tell him how you feel and the thoughts that are going through your mind. If he cannot understand that then it sounds like he has some personal issues to workout and you may want to go find someone else. Of course if this is not your option, then there are several things you could do...

- Split your expenses as a percentage of your income
- Ask him to simply cover "your half"
- Get married to him and have the money become group money :)

I vote for the last one.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2015, 03:44:46 PM by arebelspy »

RangerOne

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #18 on: October 20, 2015, 12:57:34 PM »

What would you do?

**the potential apartment also has a lot of things I would like, to be clear, like a washer/dryer and dishwasher and safe (downstairs) bike parking and it's a non-smoking building, and an epic back porch. And the rent is locked in for 18 months. My current place could go up at any time (and has been every 3 months.)

 I made more than my GF before we were married and we lived together for about 9 months before getting married.

In the beginning I asked her for closer to half to help with rent. I think it was mostly because we wanted a nicer place and paying much more than half in rent was too much of a shock for me after spending so little living with roommates for the previous 6 years. In the end it didn't matter much since we shared almost everything we bought. Any extra money she lost in rent she probably regained because I paid for a greater share of our food and going out.

Do you evenly splitting everything, or is your SO maybe paying more for other things that you share like food and entertainment? Asking you to cover half of rent may be more of a symbolic thing than something that will truly be unfair.

If on the other hand your SO is very strict about splitting everything then you need to sit down and discuss finances. You don't want to get sucked up into a lifestyle you can't afford if you are expected to cover your half of everything.

In the end the only thing that will make this easy is joining finances if you get married.

okits

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #19 on: October 20, 2015, 01:00:08 PM »
How serious is your relationship?  It sounds like you are struggling with the idea of having things you didn't personally have to work and sweat for (dishwasher, etc.)  In a partnership, both parties bring strengths and challenges with them.  Accept the good (nicer apartment) with the bad (cat toy shopping addiction).

I second the idea to find out under what circumstances you could break the lease (both the landlord's terms and what local law allows.) If the rental market is as tight as you've described they won't have too hard a time finding a new tenant.

Hearing that your current apartment is moldy freaks me out. That's not frugality, that's unhealthy.  If poverty ever forces you into that situation again, you'll at least have given your body a break from the ill effects of it.

monstermonster

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #20 on: October 20, 2015, 01:14:32 PM »
Do you evenly splitting everything, or is your SO maybe paying more for other things that you share like food and entertainment? Asking you to cover half of rent may be more of a symbolic thing than something that will truly be unfair.

If on the other hand your SO is very strict about splitting everything then you need to sit down and discuss finances. You don't want to get sucked up into a lifestyle you can't afford if you are expected to cover your half of everything.
We evenly split everything except the liquor cabinet (we really like nice cocktails and he has a higher income, so I only pay in $50/month and he covers the rest. If he doesn't want to buy more, he doesn't and we don't drink fancy cocktails that month.) and his dairy products (I don't eat dairy). He never pressures me into spending money on something I don't want to spend money on, even though I'm naturally just much more frugal. We do weekly budget meetings (to reconcile YNAB) so we're good at talking about money and spending.

We're both very strict about splitting everything else - but luckily we're good at accounting for it (thanks to both using YNAB, it works out very well.) He's not actually asking for 50/50 rent - I suspect because he knows if I was going to spend 50/50 I'd just stay in my current apartment because that is more than I want to spend.

How serious is your relationship?  It sounds like you are struggling with the idea of having things you didn't personally have to work and sweat for (dishwasher, etc.)
That's a good read on the "earning". It think it has less to do with the seriousness of our relationship (pretty serious, but only 16 months old, so there's room there) and more to do with my line of work: I work with people in poverty, and it's hard to reconcile living a fancy lifestyle I didn't earn just because I have a rich partner. I'll feel like a fraud, I worry. "Well of course you save so much money, you're riding on your partner's coattails. I would too if I had a rich boyfriend."


monstermonster

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #21 on: October 20, 2015, 01:19:24 PM »
Hearing that your current apartment is moldy freaks me out. That's not frugality, that's unhealthy.  If poverty ever forces you into that situation again, you'll at least have given your body a break from the ill effects of it.
I live in a really really wet city, so most cheaper (i.e. not new) places are moldy. It's not that bad compared to other places I've lived (monsoon season in India, cheaper houses with no insulation). The biggest issue with this apartment is that our downstairs neighbors smoke like a chimney and it comes up through the floor so everything smells slightly like smoke, particularly in the closets and in the cabinets.

Dicey

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #22 on: October 20, 2015, 01:42:42 PM »
Would you sleep easier if your name wasn't on the lease? It seems that your SO could qualify by himself. Put him on the lease alone and then work out a rent amount/agreement that feels fair to both of you. Worse case scenario and you split up, you're looking for a new place to live, but you'd have much more money in the bank. Best case scenario: the sky's the limit.

I work with people in poverty, and it's hard to reconcile living a fancy lifestyle I didn't earn just because I have a rich partner. I'll feel like a fraud, I worry. "Well of course you save so much money, you're riding on your partner's coattails. I would too if I had a rich boyfriend."

Oh, I caught this after I typed the advice above. Sometimes people are in poverty through no fault of their own, but often they are in a rough place because they have a history of making bad decisions or have bad personal habits. Your answer to the question above is "I live this way because I make good decisions and you can too, if you're willing to learn how." And what you save is nobody's business, so zip your lip, sister, at least at work. Scratch that itch by blabbing here all you want, but no one at work should know any of your financial info.

For that matter, how would they know where you live? If it is that relevant, you could just refer to your old place. Personally, I think that mold and smoke just might be clouding your judgement. Once you're out of there, I expect you'll be surprised that you stood it for so long.

monstermonster

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #23 on: October 20, 2015, 01:48:42 PM »

Oh, I caught this after I typed the advice above. Sometimes people are in poverty through no fault of their own, but often they are in a rough place because they have a history of making bad decisions or have bad personal habits. Your answer to the question above is "I live this way because I make good decisions and you can too, if you're willing to learn how." And what you save is nobody's business, so zip your lip, sister, at least at work. Scratch that itch by blabbing here all you want, but no one at work should know any of your financial info.

Fair enough - people mostly know because I teach personal finance classes as a volunteer and I like to sell savings rates as part of the curriculum. And I'm fine sharing my personal financial information generally - I actually have an art exhibit going up that's a year's worth of receipts in graph form and pictures of everything I buy :-P Since my job is working at a nonprofit that works with people in poverty, though, I'm always hyper-aware of my privilege and what it brings me.

I should also note my housing choices are publicly relevant because of political advocacy work I do on affordable housing policy.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2015, 01:55:54 PM by monstermonster »

ShortInSeattle

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #24 on: October 20, 2015, 01:59:15 PM »
You suggested proportional rent, he agreed, you're both coming out ahead. Sounds like a win/win!

You have very healthy savings (both of you) so you should be covered for emergencies.

Part of this discomfort might be bigger issues about money-philosophy. Some couples are 50/50, other couples pool resources. Proportional split is somewhere in the middle.

Put yourself in his shoes? If you earned 4x what he did, would you feel it's unfair to cover a bit more of the rent? My hunch is you'd simply be glad to be so fortunate and happy to be living with him. Why look for trouble when there isn't any?

:) Congrats on the move.

monstermonster

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #25 on: October 20, 2015, 02:15:20 PM »
Put yourself in his shoes? If you earned 4x what he did, would you feel it's unfair to cover a bit more of the rent? My hunch is you'd simply be glad to be so fortunate and happy to be living with him. Why look for trouble when there isn't any?
Oh my god I can't even imagine a reality where I earned that much, my creativity is too exhausted at trying to exercise that brainpower.

Lis

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #26 on: October 20, 2015, 02:36:52 PM »
Cat pictures forthcoming. She has her own website even. (WE DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS I SWEAR.)

...

You are my new favorite person.

As long as you post pictures and/or send the link :)

Posthumane

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #27 on: October 20, 2015, 02:41:43 PM »
When my GF moved in with me we decided to do a roughly proportional split, which basically manifests itself as me paying 80% and her 20% as I make about 4x what she does. Instead of very accurate splitting of all expenses though we just decided on a $400/mo "rent" payment from her to me since I already owned the house and knew that the total fixed monthly costs were about $2k/mo (mortgage payments, taxes, utilities, insurance). We were both happy with this situation and considered it fair, although she got a lot of pushback from her mother who insisted that I was taking advantage of her by charging her rent and that I should let her live there for free. We got married a few months ago so I suppose now it is officially our house instead of mine, so the money that she sunk into it didn't go to waste. :)

My vote is for you to move and do the roughly proportional payment scheme as proposed. If anyone criticizes you for having an unfair advantage in the form of a higher earning BF just point out to them that sharing living expenses is more efficient and living alone in a worse apartment solely on principle would actually be more wasteful.

TrMama

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #28 on: October 20, 2015, 02:46:05 PM »
I have a slightly contrary opinion. If you're that concerned about what might happen when/if you break up, then you're probably not ready to move in together. I'd keep dating, and living separately, until you feel ready to get engaged. Also, if your job is such a big impediment to your relationship (and your living conditions), it may also be time to consider different employment.

For the record, I never did the "let's move in together and see how compatible we are" stage. I flat out refused to move in with any guy until we were engaged. I had just watched too many of my friends waste incredible amounts of time, angst, energy and money by going down that path and wanted something different for myself.

Edit: To answer your question, yes. I know live in a house that is way beyond my individual means. It works because, I, DH and MIL have all chipped in big portions. In for a penny, in for a pound ;-)
« Last Edit: October 20, 2015, 02:48:02 PM by TrMama »

Dicey

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #29 on: October 20, 2015, 02:58:48 PM »
...Sometimes people are in poverty through no fault of their own, but often they are in a rough place because they have a history of making bad decisions or have bad personal habits. Your answer to the question above is "I live this way because I make good decisions and you can too, if you're willing to learn how." And what you save is nobody's business, so zip your lip, sister, at least at work. Scratch that itch by blabbing here all you want, but no one at work should know any of your financial info.

Fair enough - people mostly know because I teach personal finance classes as a volunteer and I like to sell savings rates as part of the curriculum. And I'm fine sharing my personal financial information generally - I actually have an art exhibit going up that's a year's worth of receipts in graph form and pictures of everything I buy :-P Since my job is working at a nonprofit that works with people in poverty, though, I'm always hyper-aware of my privilege and what it brings me.
Hyper-aware is one thing, but I guess I commented because I thought I heard a bit of what sounded like unwarranted guilt as well. Perhaps your personal examples could become Jane Doe Case Studies. Also, I'd love to see that exhibit, but I hope like hell your identifying data is cleverly and completely obscured.

I should also note my housing choices are publicly relevant because of political advocacy work I do on affordable housing policy.
Well, one way to look at this decision is that you will be freeing up one unit of affordable housing when you vacate your current place.

AZDude

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #30 on: October 20, 2015, 03:02:49 PM »
I would move. The chances of you having to pay the full rent by yourself are very small. The risk is minimal and you are saving money and moving into a better apartment. Seems like a no brainer unless you think your relationship is ending soon.

Kaikou

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #31 on: October 20, 2015, 03:23:09 PM »
I have a slightly contrary opinion. If you're that concerned about what might happen when/if you break up, then you're probably not ready to move in together. I'd keep dating, and living separately, until you feel ready to get engaged. Also, if your job is such a big impediment to your relationship (and your living conditions), it may also be time to consider different employment.

For the record, I never did the "let's move in together and see how compatible we are" stage. I flat out refused to move in with any guy until we were engaged. I had just watched too many of my friends waste incredible amounts of time, angst, energy and money by going down that path and wanted something different for myself.

Edit: To answer your question, yes. I know live in a house that is way beyond my individual means. It works because, I, DH and MIL have all chipped in big portions. In for a penny, in for a pound ;-)

I'm on this level OP.

monstermonster

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #32 on: October 20, 2015, 03:49:57 PM »
Also, if your job is such a big impediment to your relationship (and your living conditions), it may also be time to consider different employment.
It's not an impediment to my relationship at all- he just makes a LOT of money. I make a perfectly acceptable middle-class salary at a job I like, I simply prioritize saving 50% of my income over fancier housing or owning a car.

For the record, I never did the "let's move in together and see how compatible we are" stage. I flat out refused to move in with any guy until we were engaged. I had just watched too many of my friends waste incredible amounts of time, angst, energy and money by going down that path and wanted something different for myself.
Fair enough, if your end goal is marriage. Which mine isn't.

Goldielocks

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #33 on: October 20, 2015, 11:43:53 PM »
Ratio rent is a good solution.  Make saving 3 months of rent a priority, though.

Given your current place description, are you sure this isn't a hesitation about moving in together, rather than a worry about money only?

Sounds like your combined income can easily handle it.

monstermonster

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #34 on: October 21, 2015, 12:08:30 AM »

Given your current place description, are you sure this isn't a hesitation about moving in together, rather than a worry about money only?


Fair question, though I didn't really list the upsides of my current place but I should note they are: amazing rent in a great location, very awesome roommate, huge room (too big actually). I've been here for 3 years despite the mold/smoke/bike parking. I'm not going to change my living situation *unless* I'm moving in with my SO. He just has a higher preference ratio for nice things than me (and the means to back them up.)

markbrynn

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Re: Would you move into an apartment outside your means for a partner?
« Reply #35 on: October 21, 2015, 05:08:51 AM »
I think a lot of people mistakenly think that moving in together is fundamentally different from marriage. It depends a bit on your religion/culture and the law in your area, but several major aspects of what marriage has traditionally meant are inherent in cohabitation.

1. Sharing a sexual relationship - presumably yes.
2. Sharing finances - maybe not legally (depends on where you live), but day to day reality -yes, to a degree
3. Spending your day to day life together - yes
4. Having a legal responsibility for each other - no, but with easy divorce the responsibility exists but isn't all-encompassing.
5. Declaring your love/devotion to each other publicly - less than a wedding, but sort of
6. Ability to break up - yes
7. Necessity if you break up to split up a number of possessions and obligations - yes

I moved in with my now-wife before we were married, so it's not an issue for me (I think it's generally a smart move). However, I considered our money more or less shared. It did help that I "chose" a partner who wouldn't take advantage of it (though she has surely benefited from it as I have always made more than her).