Would you date someone you you wern't attracted to?

[Auckland Stubble]

If you met someone and you had a lot in common but you didn't really find them attractive would you still look to have a relationship with them?

I'm early 20's, male.

[Dee]

A relationship, sure. But the best term to define the nature of such relationship would be "friendship."

[Mirwen]

After a string of bad relationships with guys I thought were hot, I finally decided to give a nice but unattractive guy a chance.  He was pretty creepy looking, but we were good friends and had a lot in common.  It's 15 years later and we have two kids.  He's matured and cleaned up a lot.  He's been the most awesome husband I could ask for.  I still don't find him very physically attractive, but that doesn't seem to matter.  We love each other very much and have a happy and stable relationship.

If you are looking for marriage material, sometimes looks aren't the most important thing.

[Zikoris]

No, I'd happily be friends though.

[Trifle]

Friendship!  And as Mirwen said, you never know how you will feel about a friend down the road. 

[morning owl]

Start out w friendship and go from there. Oftentimes attraction develops over time, as you become attracted to someone for their mind rather than looks. And conversely, after a few years with a really good looking person, you stop even seeing what they look like, and you only see their level of kindness and inner personality. If that personality is ugly then the person will no longer be attractive to you, even if it's the most gorgeous model in the world.

This is most likely why so many Hollywood relationships last for an average of 2.4 years... I'm making up the stat but you know what I mean.

[jzb11]

If you met someone and you had a lot in common but you didn't really find them attractive would you still look to have a relationship with them?

I'm early 20's, male.

No, I don't date women I'm not attracted to. I believe attraction is the foundation of a relationship. It's not the only thing that matters, but it matters immensely (especially for us guys). Look for someone you're attracted to whom also meets your other criteria.

[slugline]

"Attractive" can't be quantitated, but frankly, if you find yourself with no desire to someday get the other person in bed, then just have a friendship. It might change in the future, but I guess the important thing is to not lead the other person on to think you are "into them" if it's not the case.

[Giro]

I did that once.  It was horrible.  He was incredibly smart, funny and kind but he was not attractive.  I tried to sleep with him once.  Oh my.  It was horrible for me.  I now know what a hooker feels like.  yuck yuck yuck.

sorry

My husband is smoking hot and in amazing shape.  I never grow tired of seeing him naked.  :)   

[forummm]

I think having some attraction is important for a romantic relationship. But it should not be the foundation of it. If you can be attracted to them because of the person they are that's great too.

[sheepstache]

Proooobably not. As a female, I have the power of developing an attraction to someone based on their personality and character, but I can't be, like, unattracted to them. I'd give good chemistry plenty of time to develop but I wouldn't fight bad chemistry.

You just want to make sure that your expectations are realistic. Make sure you're not focused on finding a super specific look or type. Make sure you're looking for a level of attractiveness commensurate with your own. Don't pride yourself on being picky.

Good luck!

[Louisville]

If you give someone "unattractive" a chance, you may discover, as time goes by,  things about them that you find attractive.

[midweststache]

This conversation reminds me a Dana Scully quote, which perfectly describes my relationship with DH:

"Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.”

Start with friendship. If you start feeling something more, go for it.

[partgypsy]

No, there has to be something there. And I wouldn't want someone dating me if they weren't attracted to me either, that's just messing with someone.

[2Birds1Stone]

Never

[Giro]

And you did say "didn't really find them attractive".  I think that is quite different than repulsively unattractive.  I think it's much easier to start finding things about them that you do find attractive if it's the former.  Repulsively unattractive is pretty much impossible to overcome.  IMO

[KMMK]

Personality can make someone a lot more attractive to me than physical traits alone would, but that's still attraction. I wouldn't have a romantic relationship without some physical attraction, even if that attraction is based on deeper stuff.

[lil_miss_frugal]

If you mean if I wasn't physically attracted to this person no, I'm not the type of person to date someone I'm not attracted to. It would be weird to me. But would I be friends with this person? Yes!

[waffle]

Like my dad used to say...

Good looks don't last on anyone, so you owe it to your self to find someone attractive so at least you'll have happy memories.

[Brian5000]

Don't waste your time. The lack of physical attraction will only get worse with time.
You're still young, dating gets easier (for a man) as you age as long as you stay in shape and have a decent job.

[daymare]

Definitely not - I would happily befriend them, though.  I have some friends who prefer to be the more attractive person in a relationship, but I feel oppositely: I'd rather be with someone (with a great personality, of course) who is attractive (the more attractive, the better).  My husband is super-attractive, a nerd, a feminist, kind and really easy-going.  I feel like I hit the jackpot, and that's an excellent way to feel about your partner.  In my eyes, both people being aware that the other is attractive and desired by others (yay flirting) is a great way to stay appreciative of the person you're with.

You may find that as you get to know people, they become more attractive to you - I've definitely developed crushes on people who became more attractive to me b/c of their personality.  So, who knows.  Plenty of people develop romance from friendships - I've never been that way, but others swear by it.  So who knows, you might find yourself feeling attracted to this (by all accounts) fantastic person.

[epipenguin]

I was not initially attracted to my bf, but I thought he was a great person and we could talk for hours. I have to admit, after he went in for the first real kissing attempt (other than a peck on the cheek), I went home that night and had a complete freakout because I didn't think that there was "chemistry". But you know, I started seeing that his eyes are really soulful and lovely to look at. He is skinny and I've always had a thing for skinny boys. I started wanting his arms around me (and more). Attraction developed.

[Catomi]

I wouldn't. I think the physical side of a relationship is important. I've heard friends talk about having minimal to no sex life, and I think that would be really hard on a relationship (plus I'd get grumpy). Of course there's no guarantee that the partner you pick won't be horribly disfigured in a car accident/get saggy/get a very unfortunate haircut, but I'd rather not stack the deck against myself.

I *definitely* wouldn't date someone with the expectation that they would change (start working out, change their hairdresser, etc).

[Lyssa]

Apparently I'm in the minority for thinking that attraction is something else than looks? I'm not to concerned about looks. My partners have been of various heights, shapes and looks. A no go would be if a guy would not smell good to me (and I don't mean because of poor hygiene (a nogo in its own right) but just the regular odor of somebody. I don't particular care about color of hair or any body shape within the normal range (excluding anorectic and obese) but I pay close attention if my nose says 'yum!' or not. I online dated once (not searching for a long term exclusive relationship but for a friends with benefits kind of arrangement). Before we met I honestly told the guy that while I liked his picture and our conversations I could not tell if I was attracted to him prior to meeting in person. Luckily, it turn out to be perfectly fine. :-) But I've known and do know more than a few men that I consider extremely good looking but am not attracted to.

[TN_Steve]

No.  But, with the caveat that "attraction" is the whole package, not just looks.

DW still teases me about her not meeting my "standard" attributes of physical attractiveness (then, or now); yet, I found her exceptionally attractive when I first met her--and that has not changed in 35+ years.  If anything, we may be more physically demonstrative now than when we were in college. 

[robbyho]

I have a couple conflicting viewpoints on this.

1 - Being a young man, you will have a long time to develop relationships. I know in my young manliness that physical attraction is paramount to my overall happiness in a relationship. I love looking at my girlfriend's curves and thinking " holy Sh!t, I want to bang the Sh!t out of her right now." There is nothing better than that post-mind-altering-coitus-cuddle when you can really be connected to someone. Beauty is actually quite common, so is a great personality, even openness to fiscal responsibility and early retirement, so at such a young age, why settle for anything but the best combination of those qualities?

2 - I have a lot of friends and colleagues who are Indian or Pakistani (both, I know the difference, lol). Many of them have had arrange marriages and some of them have not. The amazing thing about those cultures is that arrange marriages work out incredibly well. What the people I've talked to have said is that the reason they work out is because you're parents make the decision of your partner based on long term goals in mind, whereas we can so often be blinded by attraction while we are young. It is easy to be manipulated by beauty.

Good luck. 

[iris lily]

Hottest relationship i ever had with an old boyfriend started out with me being a little skeeved. Then after a few weeks that lessened, but there was still tension. It took me a while to see where it was going. The "tension" parlayed into fun times.

A large part of the skeeve factor was his perfectly AWFUL clothing choices. Later, when we were well into each other, I viewed his terrible clothes as the ugly covering to a package that only I could secretly uncover.

With DH, I instantly thought he was cute, so that was a different experience.

[EllieStan]

I can honestly say, I didn't find my spouse attractive when I met him the first time.

We met online: we had chatted and talked over the phone for hourseach day before meeting each other in real life. So far, I was attracted to everything about him: we shared interests, life goals, values, political and spiritual opinions, etc. I found his voice on the phone to be incredibly sexy, too. We were open about our mutual attraction to each other, and we agreed the first date ''IRL'' would be the ultimate test to know if we wanted to start a relationship together.

When I met him, I didn't know what to think. He was very shy and didn't speak much (it was easier for him to communicate through emails or by phone. He admitted later that it was because he felt intimidated by me). He was nervous, I told jokes to make him laugh, but I don't know. It wasn't what I had expected. After our first date, he drove me to my hotel (he lived 3 hours away so I stayed there for the weekend) and didn't feel attracted enough to kiss him goodnight. We hugged instead, and ... and then the magic happened! I felt so good in his arms, it just can't be described. I felt warm, comforted, protected, loved ... I didn't want this hug to stop. When I went to bed that night, I realized it meant something. I had never met someone who was so perfect for me, and felt so great in their arms.

 The next day we had a day date at a local museum, and we flirted shamelessly all day. The chemistry was definitely there, once you removed a bit of shyness. I have since been attracted to my SO. :) Thankfully, because I would have missed such a great person and a great relationship if I had been stubborn about my first ''IRL'' impression.

[Spork]

I use the term "attractive" to be "the sum total of everything I know about someone."  This means the Hollywood starlet I know nothing about can be super attractive... then I hear her interviewed and she becomes unappealing.

The corollary of that is that the person you find not-so-physically-attractive can become a TOTAL HOTTIE when you get to know them and find out they're super smart, funny and have similar ideals.

[The_path_less_taken]

Really depends. I dated one guy everyone thought looked like a frog but he was funny and great in bed and made me laugh: so really didn't care what anyone else thought.

But I also tried a few miserable dates with a really hot looking guy: zip. No desire to even kiss him good night, which pissed him off.

I'm 'attracted' to the entire person: physical/mental/philosophy/ethics/morals/ability to make me laugh/well read/loves theatre/doesn't mind a little dog drool on their shoe when they sit in my living room watching a movie/isn't afraid of wildlife/can ride a horse well/can work with their hands and knows their way around a table saw.

At this stage of my life I'm doubtful about finding 'all' of that.

So I settle for catch and release.

[mozar]

I think everyone is right here. I also want to repeat that there is a difference between being shallow and finding someone who is physically appealing. Since you are young you have the opportunity to have your pick.
Women who are smokin' hot, have that pretty long hair, wear makeup for you AND career oriented get married early IMO. So make yourself a list of all the personality attributes you want and start looking.
Not that many people are more attractive than me :-) so I don't mind a range of looks.

[ender]

Physical attraction is the lighter fluid that starts a fire. Character is the charcoal which keeps it burning.

Both are important, but one is much easier to grow than the other - you can grow in attraction to someone much more easily than you can make them grow in character.

[Cheddar Stacker]

Assuming you mean physical attraction.......I never have, and I'm married so with that caveat out of the way, I've matured enough to realize that I could be with someone I wasn't physically attracted to as long as a) I was attracted to their personality/character/strength/wit/etc. and b) I wasn't somehow repulsed by their physical appearance (in order for it to be an exclusive relationship, it would be very tough if there was zero physical connection). I am attracted to beauty, but I can find beauty in many forms.

[Zamboni]

Do you mean "Here is a photo of someone. Is this person attractive?" Then yes, I would. Because attraction based upon looks alone is not based upon much at all. And some of the funniest looking people I know are the best people in the universe.

[riverffashion]

Yes, because there is an attraction still, just not physical. I've done that and it was great . as long as there's some sort of attraction,  that's all that matters to me . sometimes it's sense of humor, or kindness, or intelligence. When I stay with a person, a physical attraction bulids. On the other hand, when things go downhill my attraction to said person fades as well .

[Zamboni]

If you haven't already seen it, consider checking out the movie Shallow Hal, a great classic starring Jack Black. I loved what they did with the Peace Corp guys and the minor female character who is real life was pretty on the outside but ugly on the inside.

[Prepube]

Depends... Does this person have a lot of money?  Will it shorten your route to FIRE?  Is the money invested appropriately?  Will you share a budget or keep it separate?  Does she drive a Prius or a Tahoe?  Does she know how to cook copious amounts of Swiss chard from the CSA? 

Is this the right forum to ask this question?  Seems likes he guys over at  Bogleheads would handle it better.

[Case]

If you met someone and you had a lot in common but you didn't really find them attractive would you still look to have a relationship with them?

I'm early 20's, male.

If there isn't anything you can find physically attracted to the person about, will you be able to have a sexual relationship (eventually) with this person?  Do you ultimately want that in your life?

I suppose that it is possible for a male to be sexually attracted to a woman based on personality alone.  Perhaps this comes into play later in life as the body deteriorates.  But, in the beginning and especially at young ages (<50 years old), physical attraction is a key part of relationship starting.

[Trudie]

Proooobably not. As a female, I have the power of developing an attraction to someone based on their personality and character, but I can't be, like, unattracted to them. I'd give good chemistry plenty of time to develop but I wouldn't fight bad chemistry.

You just want to make sure that your expectations are realistic. Make sure you're not focused on finding a super specific look or type. Make sure you're looking for a level of attractiveness commensurate with your own. Don't pride yourself on being picky.

Good luck!

I agree with this wholeheartedly.  I think attraction is on a continuum.  You can't fight "bad" chemistry, or total lack of it.  But there's a lot of area on the continuum in between.

Also beware finding someone you view as "unattractive" and trying to change them.  This is hurtful to you both.

And, from my heterosexual female perspective, I would say that there are definitely men I find more physically attractive than my husband, but then these are fantasies (Bradley Cooper, anyone??  Also -- several musicians with longish, dark curly hair.)  The important thing is that there is *enough* there to keep you interested.  With my husband, there's a threshhold of physical attraction, but the fact that he makes me laugh and we share some of the same weird interests really endears me to him.  You want to feel that someone "gets" you and appreciates the weirdest parts of you (which we all have).

[mm1970]

Depends on what you mean - physically or whole package.

I can find people physically attractive, you know, just by looking at pictures.

But actual real attraction to me doesn't come until I get to know someone.  And by then, physical is only part of it, personality is a bigger part of it.

Of course, I've been married 19 years, been with my spouse for 1/2 my life now (22.5 years).  But that's how it was back in the dark ages, that last century.

[Meggslynn]

Depends on what you mean - physically or whole package.

I can find people physically attractive, you know, just by looking at pictures.

But actual real attraction to me doesn't come until I get to know someone.  And by then, physical is only part of it, personality is a bigger part of it.

This x 2

[KisKis]

Proooobably not. As a female, I have the power of developing an attraction to someone based on their personality and character, but I can't be, like, unattracted to them. I'd give good chemistry plenty of time to develop but I wouldn't fight bad chemistry.

You just want to make sure that your expectations are realistic. Make sure you're not focused on finding a super specific look or type. Make sure you're looking for a level of attractiveness commensurate with your own. Don't pride yourself on being picky.

Good luck!

I agree with this wholeheartedly.  I think attraction is on a continuum.  You can't fight "bad" chemistry, or total lack of it.  But there's a lot of area on the continuum in between.

Also beware finding someone you view as "unattractive" and trying to change them.  This is hurtful to you both.

+1 on attraction being a continuum, but I do think chemistry is extremely important.  For some reason, scent plays an equal role for me along with physical appearance and personality.  Pheromones are weird.  Personal hygiene is important.

[BlueHouse]

Definitely not.  However, I will state that in my younger years, I was considered pretty attractive and I often got comments about the men I dated not seeming to "fit" with me.  When I asked why, I got nervous responses that usually turned out to mean that I was noticeably more attractive than my partners.  I thought they all were very handsome, because I was completely attracted to their intelligence or some other aspect of their personality.  I seriously had to look very hard for physical flaws when I was so enamored of someone that I respected so highly.  With the benefit of time and distance and photos, I can see after the fact what my friends were talking about.  Not quite Bo Derek and Dudley Moore different, but more like Cate Blanchett and Geoffrey Rush.  Still, I was absolutely enamored at the time and to me they were the most attractive people in the world. 
So the answer is no, I wouldn't date someone I wasn't physically attracted to, but I've been attracted to many people who weren't physically attractive. 

Also, my mom told me once that when she first started dating my dad in college, one of her teachers said "oh, well, he's not very attractive but he's a good man".  I look at pictures of my dad from back then and I think he was VERY handsome.  I think different people just must have different tastes. 

[KMMK]

Proooobably not. As a female, I have the power of developing an attraction to someone based on their personality and character, but I can't be, like, unattracted to them. I'd give good chemistry plenty of time to develop but I wouldn't fight bad chemistry.

You just want to make sure that your expectations are realistic. Make sure you're not focused on finding a super specific look or type. Make sure you're looking for a level of attractiveness commensurate with your own. Don't pride yourself on being picky.

Good luck!

I agree with this wholeheartedly.  I think attraction is on a continuum.  You can't fight "bad" chemistry, or total lack of it.  But there's a lot of area on the continuum in between.

Also beware finding someone you view as "unattractive" and trying to change them.  This is hurtful to you both.

+1 on attraction being a continuum, but I do think chemistry is extremely important.  For some reason, scent plays an equal role for me along with physical appearance and personality.  Pheromones are weird.  Personal hygiene is important.

Scent and voice. Voice has to be at least not annoying; ideally pleasant to listen to for hours...