would you consider divorcing/breaking up with your SO because of money?

[arebelspy]

would you consider breaking up with your SO if his running from the law and you're supposed to give him an allowance every month on top of your own bills?

Yes.

My entire life and my plans have been ruined.

Sorry to hear things aren't going well.

They'll get better.

[LibraryGirl]

Argh. I hate talking to him about it because everything I say is being turned into something else. I cannot win with this guy. I am being bullied into making a decision that is better for his mother,not for us, not for OUR betterment but for his mother.

Just about money?  I'm not sure.  Quite possibly.  But this sentence is what stood out to me from your original post.  You can't talk to him and feel like he is bullying you.  THAT would be a dealbreaker for me.

If I can't have trust, compromise, and open communication, then that isn't a relationship I want to be in.  For me, marriage needs to be a true partnership.  I'd rather be alone that be with someone who I feel is a bully.  I also feel that when you make the commitment to marry someone, you are making them the priority in your life.  I'm a firm believer in leave and cleave - you need to take care of your spouse before your parents. 

[former player]

Hang on a minute.  I'm getting that OP married her husband abroad and they lived large off his student loans for 2 1/2 years, with the OP not working.  Now they have moved to the USA, OP is working and the husband is earning $30 per day, and they are living off the OP's earnings.  I've no idea what has happened to the student loans, why the husband hasn't got a job that is more commensurate with those loans and how buying a house fits into repaying them.

It sounds possible that the OP has got mustachianism and that this could be coming across to the husband as the wife resenting supporting him after he spent several years supporting her.  Were this couple ever on the same wavelength?  It sounds like they were each getting more or less what they wanted from the marriage for a while, now neither of them is getting what they want, and they have no means of communicating that (the house purchase and the mother in law sound like secondary issues which are being used as a diversion from the real issues).  They need to meet on new common ground, otherwise they will have nowhere to go together.  I'm just not sure that as reported either of them is currently more to blame than the other.

[Chrissy]

would you consider breaking up with your SO if his running from the law and you're supposed to give him an allowance every month on top of your own bills?


My entire life and my plans have been ruined.

This is exactly what happened to me.  Also, the allowance was never enough.  I divorced him posthaste, and I'm way happier (and less liable) being single.

[resy]

I don't think I could tolerate someone jeopardizing my future by making willfully bad financial decisions (refusing to work, for example) that affect us both.

My partner would be a wealthy man today if his ex-wife, who had a spending/shopping/hoarding problem ("crazypants" is not all that rare, @shuffler!), had not frittered away his income as well as significant windfalls that they received, and been unable or unwilling to work or even to drive a car (in their rural area). Instead, my partner is in his early 50s and just now beginning to get his act together. (The ex-wife dumped him for a guy with more money once my partner's was gone, and then died, leaving a HUGE financial and physical mess behind).

I don't want to combine our finances or get married because I don't yet trust his judgment, and honestly, I don't know if I ever will. How could a person let himself be taken into bankruptcy twice because of another person's spending issues? Where was his survival instinct? Weirdly, I'd trust him more if he'd divorced her lovingly (if that makes sense -- not to be mean to her, but just to stop the insanity) to protect himself and their son instead of letting her blow all of the boy's college money and compromise his own old age. On the positive side, my partner is not a spender and is pretty happy to be on the frugality train with me now. And that change is letting him make up some of the ground he lost during his marriage.

I'm not much of a romantic and would not feel compelled to honor a pledge to stick with someone who turns out to be harmful to me. On the other hand, I'd prefer not to make a pledge I'm not necessarily willing to keep, so I've chosen not to make our union a legal one.

I think sometimes a person has to look out for him- or herself even if a vow must be broken, and that doesn't necessarily make one a bad person. Context is important in these situations. I guess I would just try not to make a rash move in anger, but more with loving detachment. I see no particular virtue in allowing oneself to be dragged down.

+1!!!!

[fixer-upper]

He supported you for 2.5 years, so the longest you should feel obligated to support him is 2.5 years.  If mum moves in, cut it in half.

At that point, all debts are paid.

[firelight]

I'd divorce based on financial issues because more often than not, money troubles are just a sign of some deeper issues. Can you work through them? Maybe but if your SO is not bothered by them or isn't willing to give it a chance, then there is no point hanging on to a damaging relationship. You'll end up with a bitter life in the end where no one is happy. Divorce is way better in that case.

[neophyte]

would you consider breaking up with your SO if his running from the law and you're supposed to give him an allowance every month on top of your own bills?


My entire life and my plans have been ruined.

This is pretty egregious. Yes I would.  There is such a thing as going through a rough patch, but this sounds like financial abuse to me. Good luck to you.

[pipercat]

My first thought was "No. Of course not!" but now, after reading the details, I'm afraid I have to say that "yes, I recommend divorce in this case". I know things aren't turning out the way you had planned, but I say cut your losses and move on.  Good luck!

[mozar]

I recently broke up over money as well. My expartner was lacking in maturity in a lot of ways and was willing to improve. But where they put their foot down is they were absolutely not willing to save money for any reason. That helped me realize that our values were not compatible. Finding a counselor can be overwhelming. I recommend reading "codependent no more" first, and then "feeling good". Your issues are more serious than what a forum can help you with.

[Cpa Cat]

would you consider breaking up with your SO if his running from the law

Yes. This would be enough for me to consider breaking up with him.

and you're supposed to give him an allowance every month on top of your own bills?

Aiding him financially while he dodges the law? Yes, probably calling the divorce attorney now...

My entire life and my plans have been ruined.

Yep. Now we're divorced.

Seriously though - divorce him. Divorce him even if you're willing to work on your relationship. Divorce him to protect yourself legally and financially from the fallout of his mistakes.

But also take a deep breath and put things into perspective. Your life isn't over, so it isn't ruined. You have it in your power to move on and make new plans. The whole rest of your life doesn't have to be this way.

[Murse]

Well, the first rule of thumb is to not marry someone until you are confident you are compatible. I know this is easier said than done, especially for people who tend to live in the moment. With that out of the way, your current situation is very complicated. I will make it easy and just answer the question, if my SO was running from the law and expecting me to financially support them, absolutely I would get a divorce. Someone who has all of these traits is an irresponsible person, in my experience irresponsible people very rarely change. The person that you have described does not love you, they do not care for your well being, they care for themselves and what they can get.

[Paul der Krake]

Running from the law is a little vague. Is he a drug kingpin or murderer with warrants for his arrest, or is illegally downloading the whole series of Breaking Bad?

[Self-employed-swami]

Running from the law is a little vague. Is he a drug kingpin or murderer with warrants for his arrest, or is illegally downloading the whole series of Breaking Bad?

I agree.  Is he living in the US without a proper working visa, and mowing lawns for pocket cash (thus why you are supporting him)?  That's sort of the impression I get.

[gimp]

would you consider breaking up with your SO if his running from the law and you're supposed to give him an allowance every month on top of your own bills?


My entire life and my plans have been ruined.

... Probably, yes. Sorry to hear that.

[4alpacas]

would you consider breaking up with your SO if his running from the law and you're supposed to give him an allowance every month on top of your own bills?


My entire life and my plans have been ruined.

Yes. 

Good luck.

[Zikoris]

would you consider breaking up with your SO if his running from the law and you're supposed to give him an allowance every month on top of your own bills?


My entire life and my plans have been ruined.

I think he would break up with me after my response was "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... No."

[boognish]

I wouldn't necessarily say I'd end a relationship over money, but if someone is compulsive, unwilling to communicate, compromise, or change destructive behavior, I'd say yes.

[Ynari]

I can't see getting to the point of marriage without seriously discussing finances and being on the same page.  Even if the page we're on is one supporting the other through grad school or starting a business, as long as we're on the same page about consequences and responsibilities...  it's all good.

If something in the future happens that makes us incompatible, sure, there's the chance of a breakup.  But I doubt it will be finances.