Her maths about her age/dates in her first post has got to be wrong. There are inconsistencies in her various statements about the early course of her relationship/marriage. She appears to have deliberately got pregnant aged 23/24, quite possibly before she and her husband were married and certainly when she knew her husband wanted to wait until they were financially secure. She has got a BA in English but never earned the money to pay back her student loans. She has several times lost money on "businesses" (MLM, maybe?) and needed her husband to bail her out. She says her main skill is writing, but didn't pursue an opportunity to be a technical writer at Amazon, says "shoot me" if she ever has to apply those writing skills to writing code, and doesn't appear to be currently writing anything. She is proposing not to earn any money for the next 4-5 years, but is asking about spending money now on artsy hobbyist things which could become a "career" in 4-5 years. She says that if she does earn money she wants to put it towards her priorities rather than putting it in the family budget. She states that her husband is an honorable, loyal, hard-working, sweet, loving husband and father who has been burned one too many times, who finds it impossible to trust her, that he feels betrayed and that it's a wound which won't heal.
The regular grocery bills are unmustachian and even then sometimes she lets them get away from her. She says she saves money buying at Goodwill and then says she buys unnecessary stuff there. She says she gets angry and has outbursts demanding money. She says she pulls her weight with the housekeeping but says her husband came home from work and had to make dinner from scratch. Her questions when she came on the forum were all about asking for permission to spend more money.
Ok, ok, ok, OP here:
Former player, I appreciate you standing up for my husband--I really do--but some of your accusations are just a little strong. Some of them are right, I DO deserve some face punches, but some are just a little... low, and in my opinion, seem to indicate some personal background that causes assumptions that are not relevant to our situation.
1) DH & I met October 31, 2008.
We moved to Albuquerque, NM in September, 2009.
Married August 14th, 2010.
Our daughter was born August 11th, 2012.
Moved to Seattle, WA January, 2014.
Our son was born July 29th, 2014.
2) Yes, DH did bail me out. No arguments there. One venture, DH was a part of and we both sort of screwed that one up, but the bulk of that failure still also rests on me, plus the others. (For example, I started a web & graphic design company with someone that then backed out on me in a matter of months and left us with the bill. I count myself responsible for that failure for many reasons.)
3) I did not turn down a tech writer job at Amazon. We were living in New Mexico at the time, it was for a staffing firm that was associated with the facility DH worked for on the air force base. And I had the chance for a second interview I turned down, not a job offer. Doesn't diminish my responsibility or fault, but that's the exact truth in case you were wondering.
4) I have not spent any family money on any personal or artistic pursuits since 2011, including childcare. (We literally have not spent a dime on childcare. We only go on dates when family visits from across the country a few times a year.)
5) The scratch meal DH prepared last week was the first time in foreseeable memory that I had not had something available for dinner, and he was happy to do it. He does not do any housework besides helping me with the kids when he is home.
6) I am an intellectually-engaged, dynamic, and educated person. I graduated with my degree with Distinction (3.8 GPA) from the University of Michigan, and find being a stay-at-home mom extremely difficult because of the isolation and lack of adult interaction and intellectual stimulation. That is why I like to have my earbuds in one ear, so I can still learn and grow WHILE I am doing my job of taking care of my children and my house (I actually find I am MORE productive when I am engaged mentally in something interesting because it is exciting and energizing to be learning and engaged). I have taken time to surround myself with other intelligent, educated, interesting mothers so that our playdates can be rewarding for both me and my kids.
I have been misguided, thoughtless, and depressed (have had low-grade depression since I was 10, seen countless therapists, diagnosed with PPD after my daughter was born but refused meds, and have since overcome it completely since 2012 with diet, exercise, and vitamins--I am a new person), but I have gone a long way towards maturing and taking responsibility for my past failures. Part of my desire for some breaks is so I can actually BE that person my husband fell in love with, and that is unfortunately an all-too-common problem for a stay-at-home parent, becoming subsumed by exhaustion and 'kid stuff.' I love my children with all my heart and soul, but I am a person in my own right as well, and am seeking ways to find my way back to myself in ways that won't affect my family until they can be a source of financial contribution.
5) I see how everyone's 'pseudo/wannabe-writer red flags' are going up right now (I have one of those, too). I did do NANOWRIMO a few years ago, and at one point, I was writing full-time (my daughter was an amazing napper for a while!). I am NOT one of those 'I have so many good ideas if only I could put them on paper!' people (ugh). (My favorite book on art is Steven Pressfield's The War of Art--what a delicious kick in the pants!) That time period when I was writing full-time, though it was only a few months, I almost had a piece accepted into a publication. Not great, but I was personally emailed by the editor saying she loved it, so that was nice. Unfortunately, the move to Seattle (I stayed behind in New Mexico for a month while DH started his new job in Seattle to manage the preparations to sell our house) and the birth of my son has temporarily taken my time to work down to zero. (I was still writing when he was first born, but it quickly got too difficult. At the height of my pregnancy last summer while chasing my 2 year old around and getting moved into our rental house, I didn't get much done. So sue me.)
I have been published previous to our marriage as well, but I am currently starting to look at fiction as something I will keep as just a hobby until we reach FIRE, and will probably focus on blogs and non-fiction as a more reasonably-profitable pursuit (currently have a lot of material for a blog and/or book(s) in the works, including a 'guide to thrift shopping,' and have been talking with DH about some app and web development collaborations).
6) I am not proposing to spend any money on my artistic pursuits, and that includes childcare.
DH and I talked last night, and here is the plan:
I will do my JOB managing the home, kids, and finances (because it is a more-than-full-time job, as others have also said) until they are both in school. I will 'figure myself out' and get work done towards my own pursuits on my own time and with my own discretionary funds during this time. When the kids both go to school, at that point, I will either have a clear plan and some work already done towards my own career and 'scale it up,' or if it is not already at point of profitability, I will set aside my own work and take on the responsibility of getting a job to at LEAST get our spending/saving ratio to 60/40, whatever that means at that point (wherever DH's base salary and our spending is at).
In the past few days, with the help of this forum, I have come up with ways to save the family a lot more money in the mean time, and we are going to pursue twice-monthly childcare for our 2 year old so that I can get some things done (I have done the math, and even with paid childcare, I can still save the family a lot--we make mistakes when we are stressed that I can fix with just a little time without my older child underfoot, plus she would hugely benefit from that time with other kids, as others have said.) I have also begun to form a neighborhood babysitting co-op this past week, so I may be able to get that childcare for free in return for watching other children part of the week.