Poll

In your household, which partner does more of the household work and child care? (assuming opposite-sex couples here - explained below)

My partner does more. I'm a man.
25 (9.9%)
My partner does more. I'm a woman.
27 (10.7%)
It's close but my partner does a little more. I'm a man.
19 (7.5%)
It's close but my partner does a little more. I'm a woman.
12 (4.8%)
It's equal. I'm a man.
16 (6.3%)
It's equal. I'm a woman.
27 (10.7%)
It's close but I do a little more. I'm a man.
7 (2.8%)
It's close but I do a little more. I'm a woman.
20 (7.9%)
I do more. I'm a man.
25 (9.9%)
I do more. I'm a woman.
69 (27.4%)
Question as written does not apply; I'm in a same-sex relationship.
5 (2%)

Total Members Voted: 246

Author Topic: Who does more household work?  (Read 29488 times)

okits

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #50 on: August 26, 2015, 08:42:17 PM »
I would be curious about a poll to see who here did a little extra housework today after reading this thread. :)

I totally did!  And DH noticed and thanked me.  :)

okits

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #51 on: August 26, 2015, 08:44:54 PM »
Equal amounts - I'm a woman. Ex-DH and I didn't split chores, we did them together. That included both the household chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry, food shopping, etc... but also the home, yard, and car maintenance and repair chores. We physically did them together and it was great fun and a really bonding (and often sexy-time!) experience for us both. If one or the other of us was gone, then who ever was around just took care of whatever needed to be done.  Current BF and I function like this too and so far it's really great.

I am impressed you could turn chores into sexy time.

MrsCoolCat

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #52 on: August 26, 2015, 08:55:24 PM »
My friends who own a business and have two kids together have a very interesting financial system (they have independent finances and pay one another for everything - from who goes and grabs the car to who has to leave work early to pick up the kids- you can read more about it here.)

But particularly notable is the fact that despite paying each other for all of those transaction the male now pays the female $1000/month for being "default parent". Which isn't for set childcare or anything, it's for all of those cumulative ways that being the first parent ads up: the one the school calls when their sick, when dad is sitting right next to the kids but they yell to mom in the other room "MOM! I need a spoon!!"

We tried doing something similar. I'm slightly older than my SO (perhaps another reason for the chore war) and he owes me money for various things. After he graduated law school and became a lawyer, finally making about maybe 40% more than me, he said he would pay for all the groceries so that I could save more for FIRE IF I do the dishes and that I cook (I enjoy cooking for the most part, not the cleaning). He swears I said all the housework, too. My ass I'd draw two pints of blood from BOTH arms before ever taking that deal. Perhaps just one of his HORRIBLE jokes. The grocery thing lasted two months before he injured himself. I haven't rushed him or anything about the finances, but really I have no incentive to do more chores with a smile on my face after that. I much rather desire 50/50. AND I want to note that I pay for all the electric, water and HOA (so no, he doesn't mow the lawn either and it doesn't snow here) so he pretty much owes me for half of that. It's not like I'm paying the bills with OUR money as we have an uncommon separation of finances thing. I prefer it that way. Except when I'm not getting paid BUT I'm not bringing it up 24-7.
« Last Edit: August 26, 2015, 09:00:08 PM by MrsCoolCat »

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #53 on: August 26, 2015, 09:23:51 PM »
I would be curious about a poll like this for:

Are you [satisfied / dissatisfied] with the amount of housework your spouse does and I am a [male / female].

My intent in creating the poll wasn't to suss out fairness, actually. I wanted actual numbers. SAHPs can certainly vote too.

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #54 on: August 27, 2015, 01:04:52 AM »
Also, what is "household work"?  Does it include: taking care of financials/taxes, grading the driveway, cutting the fields, putting snow tires on just before the storm, replumbing bathrooms, and the like? (me)  How about gardening and taking care of most car maintenance/licensing and all other "appointment" chores on the 1/2 day off you have most weeks? (DW)  How about cooking--is that a chore, like during the week, or something that you do for fun if both of you are home on the same weekend afternoon?

I missed this comment first time around. It all counts. We're just tracking the time spent to maintain the household.

ender

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #55 on: August 27, 2015, 06:46:49 AM »
I would be curious about a poll like this for:

Are you [satisfied / dissatisfied] with the amount of housework your spouse does and I am a [male / female].

My intent in creating the poll wasn't to suss out fairness, actually. I wanted actual numbers. SAHPs can certainly vote too.

My point is more that it matters a lot more if people feel it's unfair than if it is actually unfair.

There are many situations where the workload might be unevenly divided and yet still very fair (SAHP being an example or where one spouse works more).

FLBiker

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #56 on: August 27, 2015, 11:57:37 AM »
My wife is currently a SHM w/ a 4.5 month old.  She'll be at home until Jan 2017.  She definitely does more than me now (w/ breastfeeding, general childcare) but I do more than I did before we had a kid.  For example, she used to do almost all of the cooking, now it's split.  I also do the bottle washing / boiling and the diaper laundry.  And I continue to do trash, yard, financial stuff, cat, etc.

Sailor Sam

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #57 on: August 27, 2015, 06:37:58 PM »
Lesbian/gay folks, I am sorry for excluding you from the poll. Look at it this way - there's at least *one* problem you managed to escape, for whatever that's worth.

Hey Cressida, there's something I don't understand. Are you saying that gay folks are spared the subtext of male vs female  stereotypes when fighting about chores? Or is the implication that gay couples simply don't bicker and get upset about chore distribution? Not trying to stir the pot, just want to understand.

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #58 on: August 27, 2015, 07:13:09 PM »
Lesbian/gay folks, I am sorry for excluding you from the poll. Look at it this way - there's at least *one* problem you managed to escape, for whatever that's worth.

Hey Cressida, there's something I don't understand. Are you saying that gay folks are spared the subtext of male vs female  stereotypes when fighting about chores? Or is the implication that gay couples simply don't bicker and get upset about chore distribution? Not trying to stir the pot, just want to understand.

The former, yes. I was aware that the poll was heteronormative & wanted to acknowledge that, but you're right, I wasn't totally clear.

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #59 on: August 27, 2015, 07:27:50 PM »
The poll results have slowed down, so this might be a good time to take stock.

It's true that, in the aggregate, women do more housework and child care than men do. It's not necessary to cite a source for this. The sheer number of SAHMs compared to SAHDs would alone be enough to cause the discrepancy, even if all other households showed an even distribution. Again, I'm talking about the aggregate. I'm not talking about the dynamics of individual households; I'm saying that if you take the total hours of housework and child care performed during a year across the entire country, more of those hours are performed by women. By quite a lot.

As of the moment I'm writing this, the poll shows a 60/40 split in favor of women doing more housework and childcare than their partner. (More women than men cast votes, but when I accounted for that fact, the calculation came out the same.) This doesn't prove much of anything at all, since the poll is not scientific and was asking about comparisons rather than raw numbers. But it's fair to say that the poll results are consistent with the above observation that women do more housework and child care than men do (again, in the aggregate, as stated above).

What does this mean? It means that "women do housework and child care" is a cultural norm. We see our parents performing to this norm, we see it in our peers, we see it in media and entertainment. It comes to seem "natural" that women do housework and child care. It's a "thing women do," like shopping for clothes and drinking cosmopolitans.

If a man in an opposite-sex relationship acts as if housework and child care is "not his job," there's likely not one single reason (he might be lazy, he might not know how, he might be an asshole, etc.), but this norm is probably a factor.

Here's the other thing about cultural norms: they are self-reinforcing and self-perpetuating. We're all familiar with the norm of hyperconsumerism. People buy stuff, everybody sees people buying stuff, people buy more stuff. Performing the "women do housework and child care" norm is the same. By performing it, we perpetuate it. (And I'm including myself here; I do far more household work than DH does.) Whether you think that's good, bad, or neutral depends on how you feel about gender stereotypes.

This is probably the point where people start freaking out about crazy feminists who are telling people they shouldn't be SAHMs. I'm not saying that. If you think, "being a SAHM is the right decision for my family," and also think, "I would prefer not to perpetuate norms that reinforce stereotypical gender roles," then you're going to have to pick one, and which one you should pick is pretty clear. Martyrdom is pointless. We all live in the world we live in, not the world we wish we lived in.

This problem will probably go away, if slowly. Norms are powerful, but we do have the free ability to flout them (see hyperconsumerism, above) and they do change.


ETA: I used hyperconsumerism as an example of a norm. I also used "women doing housework and child care" as an example of a norm. I'm now afraid someone will accuse me of saying that women who take care of their children should get facepunches. Um, let me be clear that I do not think this. I was only trying to illustrate how cultural norms are perpetuated.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2015, 09:39:34 PM by Cressida »

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #60 on: August 27, 2015, 08:16:28 PM »
Just because we can choose to partner with someone who doesn't adhere to stereotypical gender roles doesn't mean that stereotypical gender roles are something we should just live with. In my opinion, they should be dismantled.

[edited: clarity]
« Last Edit: August 27, 2015, 08:22:02 PM by Cressida »

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #61 on: August 27, 2015, 08:49:42 PM »
not because they are forced into it by societal expectations.

Agreed, no one is forced into anything.

Which reminds me, I get this a lot when I talk about feminist topics. You start talking about things like cultural norms and suddenly people start blathering about how you're saying women are brainwashed and you're denying their "agency." That's a misunderstanding. First of all, norms influence men too. Second, if the choice is between (1) gender stereotypes in the ether that can influence people's decisions to varying degrees, and (2) the lack of (1), I just don't get why anyone would say "(1) is A-OK, it's no better or worse than (2), if there are stereotypes we can just ignore them."

[edited: clarity]
« Last Edit: August 27, 2015, 09:14:05 PM by Cressida »

MrsCoolCat

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #62 on: August 27, 2015, 09:43:12 PM »
Nice conclusion but I'm pretty sure outside the US (more so) there are religions & countries that force women and men to do things, or they will otherwise be persecuted, killed and/or their families killed. At least that's what the news tells me, so not everyone has a choice. Americans are just fortunate in that aspect. I know ur poll & comment doesn't take that into account, but it does remind me that chore wars is a 1st world problem. Kinda humbling actually so thanks.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2015, 09:56:54 PM by MrsCoolCat »

Matt_D

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #63 on: August 28, 2015, 08:44:37 AM »

This is probably the point where people start freaking out about crazy feminists who are telling people they shouldn't be SAHMs. I'm not saying that. If you think, "being a SAHM is the right decision for my family," and also think, "I would prefer not to perpetuate norms that reinforce stereotypical gender roles," then you're going to have to pick one, and which one you should pick is pretty clear. Martyrdom is pointless. We all live in the world we live in, not the world we wish we lived in.


I think someone can be a SAHM and still not reinforce stereotypical gender roles. My wife is a SAHM and my kids understand that she does more of the housework, but they also see me doing it when I'm around and there is nothing involving house/child care that we aren't both capable of doing. To my mind, reinforcing stereotypes would be if we had a "Mom does the cooking because Dad's a man and men can't cook" situation. My kids also understand that not all families operate as ours does, that that's OK, and that at some point in the future my wife may work while I stay at home if that ends up making the most sense. I suppose the general structure could perpetuate the gender-stereotyped norm to some degree, but I think much more of it is in how the couple approaches the situation.

GuitarStv

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #64 on: August 28, 2015, 10:00:16 AM »
The poll results have slowed down, so this might be a good time to take stock.

It's true that, in the aggregate, women do more housework and child care than men do. It's not necessary to cite a source for this. The sheer number of SAHMs compared to SAHDs would alone be enough to cause the discrepancy, even if all other households showed an even distribution. Again, I'm talking about the aggregate. I'm not talking about the dynamics of individual households; I'm saying that if you take the total hours of housework and child care performed during a year across the entire country, more of those hours are performed by women. By quite a lot.

As of the moment I'm writing this, the poll shows a 60/40 split in favor of women doing more housework and childcare than their partner. (More women than men cast votes, but when I accounted for that fact, the calculation came out the same.) This doesn't prove much of anything at all, since the poll is not scientific and was asking about comparisons rather than raw numbers. But it's fair to say that the poll results are consistent with the above observation that women do more housework and child care than men do (again, in the aggregate, as stated above).

What does this mean? It means that "women do housework and child care" is a cultural norm. We see our parents performing to this norm, we see it in our peers, we see it in media and entertainment. It comes to seem "natural" that women do housework and child care. It's a "thing women do," like shopping for clothes and drinking cosmopolitans.

If a man in an opposite-sex relationship acts as if housework and child care is "not his job," there's likely not one single reason (he might be lazy, he might not know how, he might be an asshole, etc.), but this norm is probably a factor.

Here's the other thing about cultural norms: they are self-reinforcing and self-perpetuating. We're all familiar with the norm of hyperconsumerism. People buy stuff, everybody sees people buying stuff, people buy more stuff. Performing the "women do housework and child care" norm is the same. By performing it, we perpetuate it. (And I'm including myself here; I do far more household work than DH does.) Whether you think that's good, bad, or neutral depends on how you feel about gender stereotypes.

This is probably the point where people start freaking out about crazy feminists who are telling people they shouldn't be SAHMs. I'm not saying that. If you think, "being a SAHM is the right decision for my family," and also think, "I would prefer not to perpetuate norms that reinforce stereotypical gender roles," then you're going to have to pick one, and which one you should pick is pretty clear. Martyrdom is pointless. We all live in the world we live in, not the world we wish we lived in.

This problem will probably go away, if slowly. Norms are powerful, but we do have the free ability to flout them (see hyperconsumerism, above) and they do change.


ETA: I used hyperconsumerism as an example of a norm. I also used "women doing housework and child care" as an example of a norm. I'm now afraid someone will accuse me of saying that women who take care of their children should get facepunches. Um, let me be clear that I do not think this. I was only trying to illustrate how cultural norms are perpetuated.

The way I'm reading it, it looks like work is pretty evenly done . . . but women just claim to do more of it.  :P

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #65 on: August 28, 2015, 10:27:11 AM »
SAHM versus SAHD isn't necessarily all about gender roles directly, either. I think girls and boys going into college feel different amounts of pressure to major in something that will get them a high-paying job. Then when they get married, the man makes more than the woman, so if somebody's going to stay home, it's going to be the woman.

Also, pumping and bottles are a hassle, so a nursing mother gets a lot of convenience out of staying home if it's possible. That's something no amount of cultural change will alter.

Matt_D

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #66 on: August 28, 2015, 11:25:53 AM »
SAHM versus SAHD isn't necessarily all about gender roles directly, either. I think girls and boys going into college feel different amounts of pressure to major in something that will get them a high-paying job. Then when they get married, the man makes more than the woman, so if somebody's going to stay home, it's going to be the woman.

Interesting point... would like to know if someone's done some research on that and if any pressure has changed over time.
Though my personal experience is that the pressure on almost anyone to figure out how they're going to be employed post-college hasn't been very high of late (though now it may be getting higher). There has been research on men feeling pressured to make more money than their spouses do though, and I suspect that's still quite relevant.

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #67 on: August 28, 2015, 11:37:47 AM »
I think someone can be a SAHM and still not reinforce stereotypical gender roles.

We disagree, then. I would say that being a SAHM inevitably reinforces stereotypical gender roles, just as I reinforce stereotypical gender roles every time I wear a skirt and heels. I'm not going to stop doing it, for a number of reasons, just as I'm not telling women not to be SAHMs. But a stereotype is a stereotype.

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #68 on: August 28, 2015, 11:38:19 AM »
The way I'm reading it, it looks like work is pretty evenly done . . . but women just claim to do more of it.  :P

How do you figure?

GuitarStv

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #69 on: August 28, 2015, 11:52:45 AM »
The way I'm reading it, it looks like work is pretty evenly done . . . but women just claim to do more of it.  :P

How do you figure?

Well, other than the 'I claim to do more work' category for women . . . they're pretty evenly matched in all responses.

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #70 on: August 28, 2015, 12:17:50 PM »
The way I'm reading it, it looks like work is pretty evenly done . . . but women just claim to do more of it.  :P

How do you figure?

Well, other than the 'I claim to do more work' category for women . . . they're pretty evenly matched in all responses.

So do you think women are coming here and lying, then?

GuitarStv

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #71 on: August 28, 2015, 12:38:08 PM »
The way I'm reading it, it looks like work is pretty evenly done . . . but women just claim to do more of it.  :P

How do you figure?

Well, other than the 'I claim to do more work' category for women . . . they're pretty evenly matched in all responses.

So do you think women are coming here and lying, then?

Not necessarily.  For your assertion to be true, you need to ignore all the other categories other than the 'I do more work and I'm a woman one'.  It would make more sense if 'my partner does more, I'm a man' and 'It's close but my partner does a little more. I'm a man.' categories were higher to match.  I guess one sex must be lying?

Gray Matter

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #72 on: August 28, 2015, 12:41:58 PM »
The way I'm reading it, it looks like work is pretty evenly done . . . but women just claim to do more of it.  :P

How do you figure?

Well, other than the 'I claim to do more work' category for women . . . they're pretty evenly matched in all responses.

So do you think women are coming here and lying, then?

Not necessarily.  For your assertion to be true, you need to ignore all the other categories other than the 'I do more work and I'm a woman one'.  It would make more sense if 'my partner does more, I'm a man' and 'It's close but my partner does a little more. I'm a man.' categories were higher to match.  I guess one sex must be lying?

Or, the site attracts particularly industrious and enlightened men who actually DO an equal amount of work on the home front, and all the lazy slackers of the women folk here who said they do more are off playing video games instead of hanging out here.  ;-)

golden1

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #73 on: August 28, 2015, 12:56:35 PM »
Now that we both work, I say that DH does about 35-40% and I do 60-65%.  I do most of the cooking and grocery shopping.  I cook 3-4 days a week and let DH figure out the other days, but his cooking skills are lacking so he normally just makes one of those pre-made stirfrys or pops in a pizza.  He drops the kids off at school/camp and I pick them up.  We split the trash duty and yard work.  I do more house cleaning but he does the handy stuff around the house.  When I was a SAHM I did 90-95% but that was fine.  I had the time and energy then. 

OlyFish

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #74 on: August 28, 2015, 01:01:54 PM »
I am the primary wage-earner and I do more housework. My husband is starting a business, and he works from home, but his tolerance for mess is much, much higher than mine.

He does do all the car maintenance, most of the car washing care, and half of the outdoor work. but as far as cleaning bathrooms/ kitchens/ floors, he is just not bothered by conditions that I find disgusting. I do laundry and folding, and typically I do the scrubbing, dusting, and deep cleaning when it is necessary.

golden1

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #75 on: August 28, 2015, 01:09:53 PM »
Quote
he is just not bothered by conditions that I find disgusting

After 20 years of marriage, I have come to the conclusion that this is part of the issue for me.  My tolerance, especially for clutter, is way, WAY lower than his.  He can walk by a pile of stuff and it just doesn't bother him where it will drive me insane and I have to deal with it.  It took me awhile to stop being resentful about it.  I do things that drive him crazy too. 

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #76 on: August 28, 2015, 01:17:45 PM »
The way I'm reading it, it looks like work is pretty evenly done . . . but women just claim to do more of it.  :P

How do you figure?

Well, other than the 'I claim to do more work' category for women . . . they're pretty evenly matched in all responses.

So do you think women are coming here and lying, then?

Not necessarily.  For your assertion to be true, you need to ignore all the other categories other than the 'I do more work and I'm a woman one'.  It would make more sense if 'my partner does more, I'm a man' and 'It's close but my partner does a little more. I'm a man.' categories were higher to match.  I guess one sex must be lying?

I don't understand your math. As of now, 17 + 15 + 13 + 49 = 94 people say the woman does more housework than the man. 20 + 8 + 7 + 16 = 51 people say the man does more housework than the woman. Again, about a 60/40 split. Why does anyone have to be lying?

If we were surveying both halves of the couple, the numbers would have to reconcile. But we're not doing that.


ETA: I made a 10-key error when I calculated the percentage. It's actually 65/35.
« Last Edit: August 28, 2015, 01:31:01 PM by Cressida »

Rural

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #77 on: August 28, 2015, 06:27:00 PM »
I voted "equal," because although he still doesn't know how to turn on the dishwasher after two years in the house, my success rate at starting the chainsaw is roughly 0%, and I can't reach the pedals on the backhoe well enough to drive it safely on a slope (we live on the top of a mountain with a steep switchbacked private road in). He's building something and/or working on a car most weekends and doing almost all the laundry. I do all cooking and kitchen cleaning and any other cleaning that gets done (often it doesn't on busy weeks, and we have not yet died). Somebody always grocery shops before re we starve, and often it's both of us.


We do different things, but the labor is fairly equalized. His is hotter in summer and colder in winter, if it comes to that. I'm the sole breadwinner at the moment, and we commute together (he's attending the college where I'm a professor).


Regardless, it all works for us, now. We had some squabbles early on, mostly over my higher standards. We've streamlined some stuff and added enough space that there's actually a place for everything, which helped tremendously. And I've lowered some of my standards by getting over the guilt that was driving them - if he's happy and I'm happy, it's none of anyone else's business, including my mother's or his mother's, not even if they try to make it so. Realizing that, deep down in the gut and not just in my brain, has been truly liberating.
« Last Edit: August 28, 2015, 06:29:03 PM by Rural »

cavewoman

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #78 on: August 28, 2015, 10:01:34 PM »
I looked at the choices and wanted to pick that I do more, but I think I'm just thinking about the things that I do that I don't want to do. Like the dishes that are piled up right now.

But I don't do car maintenance, and I know that there are times that he doesn't want to crawl under my car and fix the exhaust again, but he does.

Any bitterness probably comes from my expectations/tolerances, like others have mentioned. Overall we don't argue about chores much (ever? It's hard to say) and I'm pretty satisfied with our chore split.

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #79 on: August 31, 2015, 12:46:54 AM »
We appear to have stabilized around 60-65% of household work done by the woman in opposite-sex partnerships. I see no reason to think that American households in general break down much differently; and if they do, they probably tend even more toward women doing the housework, since this forum skews liberal.

Yet, the OP on the other chore thread was bullied - in fact, I would assert, gaslighted - into apologizing for daring to suggest that households where men are reluctant to do household work *even exist*. Seems contrary to fact.

Squirrel away

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #80 on: August 31, 2015, 01:41:11 AM »
The way I'm reading it, it looks like work is pretty evenly done . . . but women just claim to do more of it.  :P

How do you figure?

Well, other than the 'I claim to do more work' category for women . . . they're pretty evenly matched in all responses.

So do you think women are coming here and lying, then?

Not necessarily.  For your assertion to be true, you need to ignore all the other categories other than the 'I do more work and I'm a woman one'.  It would make more sense if 'my partner does more, I'm a man' and 'It's close but my partner does a little more. I'm a man.' categories were higher to match.  I guess one sex must be lying?

Or, the site attracts particularly industrious and enlightened men who actually DO an equal amount of work on the home front, and all the lazy slackers of the women folk here who said they do more are off playing video games instead of hanging out here.  ;-)
This! While now-ex hubs and I did share most/all of the household chores (did them together rather than split them) I didn't want to do them as often as he did so I would find excuses to put them off - and drag him down into the laziness with me :-)! Now that I'm divorced I find I do less household chores overall even though I do them all myself. I just have my life set up in a very simple way now compared to when I was married, and that means less overall chores are needed to be done.

Wow, is there a way of just quoting the one person instead of all the text, lol. I agree with you, well I'm not divorced but I have set my life up to be more simple so I have less housework.:)

I have hacks to let me do less, I wash my dishes as soon as they are dirty, I don't buy clothes that need ironing, I don't have a laundry basket so I just put the dirty clothes in the washing machine etc... It makes everything much easier on a daily basis.

I do much more than my husband but he does certain chores that I hate like emptying the cat litter box and putting out the rubbish daily.

StarBright

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #81 on: August 31, 2015, 09:04:25 AM »
I thought about this poll several times as I tuned into who was doing which chore this weekend and wondered about a breakdown of kids vs no kids. I know my husband and I were much more egalitarian before we had children. We actually fell around 50-50 on division of labor. I think mostly because we did the cleaning, yard work and errand running together.

It was weird though - even though I've been the breadwinner in our house for years, as soon as I popped out the babies it was like a switch was thrown and all of the sudden I was doing 65-70% of the house and yard work.  Every now and then the balance would start to get very out of wack and I would have to say something to my husband. Luckily he just rolls with it and pitches in for a good while until the balance gets wonky again.

Both he and I are products of families who embraced traditional gender roles so i suspect that has something to do with it. Even with the best intentions both of us revert to our childhood norms and something about having children seems to have really reinforced this. He also got a full time job this year that will help much more with household finances so I'm waiting to see if that affects the DOL as well.

I'm hoping that as the kids grow and he gets settled into working full time I'll see his participation increase (especially for our children's sake as I want to model an egalitarian relationship) but in the meantime I'd rather live with him than without him so I'll take what I get :)

Thanks for the poll! It has been fun to follow this thread.


dunhamjr

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #82 on: August 31, 2015, 09:22:57 AM »
I voted that the wife did more house/child work, but it's close. assuming house work was more about laundry, cleaning, etc

but if you look at total household work. imo, i do way more (since this is all on top of splitting chores and kids)... because I manage all bills, all car maintenance, all home maintenance/repair/service scheduling, do most of the yard work, do most of the household/automotive purchase research, and finance planning.

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #83 on: August 31, 2015, 12:22:50 PM »
DH fired in 2011. He handles most of the home front. I do keep the main bath clean because I choose to use it. (it is our fancy bathroom and I like waking up and feeling pampered in the bigger space.)

If he is busy with the rentals I will run the vacuum and pick up. I do so because I have a higher clean standard with the floors and he is tends to slack when busy. Rather than nag, if by thursday they are not done and need it, I do it.

He has always cooked and the kitchen is his domain. We are on different schedules now so I make most of my own meals, which often are pulling out something he cooked and mixing it into whatever I want at the moment. He definitely keeps us stocked with meat cooked on the BBQ (year round)

He's the primary shopper as he goes in the am when there's less of a crowd. He hunts the deals for our stash, he is our stasher, likes to have a year's worth of condiments safely nestled in our cabinets etc.

Once I FIRE things will change, but I am not sure how that landscape will look since we plan to hit the road and travel in an RV for who knows how long:)

Sometimes we squabble and I always say if you want me to do x% house chores I will hire it out. I have a stressful IT job and am more than comfortable paying for it to be done (we are currently FI so no money issue there since I still work and don't need to). I want to come home and relax not be stuck with more work than I am already responsible for. He says no you don't need to do that... blah, blah. It comes up once or twice a year.


Guitarist

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #84 on: August 31, 2015, 12:27:58 PM »
We appear to have stabilized around 60-65% of household work done by the woman in opposite-sex partnerships. I see no reason to think that American households in general break down much differently; and if they do, they probably tend even more toward women doing the housework, since this forum skews liberal.

Yet, the OP on the other chore thread was bullied - in fact, I would assert, gaslighted - into apologizing for daring to suggest that households where men are reluctant to do household work *even exist*. Seems contrary to fact.

Your poll doesn't provide the conclusion you've reached.

It also ignores other factors that have been discussed in both threads.

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #85 on: August 31, 2015, 01:35:24 PM »
We appear to have stabilized around 60-65% of household work done by the woman in opposite-sex partnerships. I see no reason to think that American households in general break down much differently; and if they do, they probably tend even more toward women doing the housework, since this forum skews liberal.

Yet, the OP on the other chore thread was bullied - in fact, I would assert, gaslighted - into apologizing for daring to suggest that households where men are reluctant to do household work *even exist*. Seems contrary to fact.
I don't think the OP from that other thread was maligned because she suggested some men don't do household chores on equal par with women, she was maligned because she made very broad strokes comments about how all men are vs. how all women are that were (IMHO) extremely sexist and biased. She has since corrected those statements (and kudos to her for doing that).

If you read the comments, it's clear that even a less absolutist stance would have been found unacceptable. So I disagree with your assessment.

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #86 on: August 31, 2015, 01:38:10 PM »
We appear to have stabilized around 60-65% of household work done by the woman in opposite-sex partnerships. I see no reason to think that American households in general break down much differently; and if they do, they probably tend even more toward women doing the housework, since this forum skews liberal.

Yet, the OP on the other chore thread was bullied - in fact, I would assert, gaslighted - into apologizing for daring to suggest that households where men are reluctant to do household work *even exist*. Seems contrary to fact.

Your poll doesn't provide the conclusion you've reached.

What conclusion is that?

It also ignores other factors that have been discussed in both threads.

It's a poll. It's asking a single question. By its nature it ignores any "factors" of anything.

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #87 on: August 31, 2015, 01:43:19 PM »
We appear to have stabilized around 60-65% of household work done by the woman in opposite-sex partnerships. I see no reason to think that American households in general break down much differently; and if they do, they probably tend even more toward women doing the housework, since this forum skews liberal.

Yet, the OP on the other chore thread was bullied - in fact, I would assert, gaslighted - into apologizing for daring to suggest that households where men are reluctant to do household work *even exist*. Seems contrary to fact.

Your poll doesn't provide the conclusion you've reached.

What conclusion is that?

It also ignores other factors that have been discussed in both threads.

It's a poll. It's asking a single question. By its nature it ignores any "factors" of anything.

Quote
Yet, the OP on the other chore thread was bullied - in fact, I would assert, gaslighted - into apologizing for daring to suggest that households where men are reluctant to do household work *even exist*. Seems contrary to fact.

So basically your poll does nothing to make this assertion, conclusion, whatever you want to call it.

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #88 on: August 31, 2015, 02:15:57 PM »
So basically your poll does nothing to make this assertion, conclusion, whatever you want to call it.

I didn't say the poll proved anything.  What I said was that I "see no reason to think that American households in general break down much differently" than the poll: that is, where women do more housework in around 60-65% of households. I meant exactly what I said; I'd be surprised if the true distribution is wildly different, if women do more housework in, say, 80% or 40% of households.

If you do see a reason why I should think the distribution is very much different than 60-65%, let me know and I will certainly be happy to have that information.

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #89 on: August 31, 2015, 02:57:46 PM »
We do a similar load, but the nature of our tasks is really different.
He does all the constructions, the organizing of the renovations, 90% of the reno labour, 90% of the gardening, 50% of the cooking, 20% of the cleaning, 10% of the bills, 80% of the paperwork.
I do 90% of the laundry, 80% of the dishes, 50% of the cooking, 70% of the groceries, 90% of the bills, 10% of gardening and renovations (the stuff that doesn't need any skill)
We both work full time, we earn similar amounts and we split the bills 50:50
I'm not gonna do the math, but I believe I do more, especially because the chores I do are boring tasks necessary to our life and well-being (groceries, cleaning, laundry, bills), while what he does most is a cross between chores and hobbies (gardening, DIY).
A silly example: last week-end he commented that our sheets were disgusting. In the whole week, he didn't go as far as changing the sheets - I did it on Sunday, and washed the old ones, a full week after he commented that the sheets were disgusting. Note that he works from home while I work outside and I have a 2 hours commuting every day. Yes, I am a bit bitter about those sheets.

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #90 on: August 31, 2015, 03:23:50 PM »
I voted that my wife does the majority of the housework, but since she is a stay-at-home-mom, that is simply her role in the household.  Even still, I dedicate one hour per weekday towards 'taskers' (a small, well defined task; a term I only heard used this way in the military).  So while I do manage to commit 3-5 hours per week, total, towards my "honey-do" list, my wife is notorious for not recognizing how much I actually do around the house, despite the fact that things do get fixed, eventually.

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #91 on: August 31, 2015, 03:51:21 PM »
I would like to view results without voting but it doesn't let me. Is this a firefox issue?

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #92 on: August 31, 2015, 04:10:03 PM »
I do it all.  It's only fair.  The Hub has a full time job and a side hustle to compensate for the fact that I don't work.  I am moderately useless for reasons that don't matter here but I can certainly drag myself off the couch to do a little housework now and then. 

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #93 on: August 31, 2015, 04:52:36 PM »
This is an ongoing issue at my house too. My spouse and I are engaged in the long game of "Who Cares Least Wins." It's not so much an issue of DOING the work, it's noticing that the work needs doing. After one-too-many grousing matches about this, he hired a cleaner, saying it was worth it to him not to have to think about the ongoing cleaning tasks. Well, now he doesn't even think to schedule the cleaner!

I also deal with other issues in his housework, such as "I don't know how to do that," and half-assing the job so much that I'll do it next time. Both of these make me livid.

Starting from Wednesday, though, I won't be working a 9-5 job, so I suppose cleaning is my job alone again. *sigh*

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #94 on: August 31, 2015, 05:02:05 PM »
I voted that I am the wife and we both do equal amounts of work. This was not the case when we got married years ago, simply because his mom had done everything for him, and he didn't know any different. That changed pretty quickly. We are both employed full time outside the home.

He takes care of the lawn, the trash, odd "fix-it" jobs, keeping the cars maintained (he even fuels up my car for me!) and running errands. He also takes the kids to school/makes sure they get on the bus in the mornings, and picks-up or drops off a child somewhere they need to be at night or on the weekends about half the time.

I handle all of the finances and taxes, with him having full knowledge and input at all times. I take the kids to all of their doctor appointments and go to all of their necessary school functions. I do the dishes and shop for groceries and household supplies. We split the cooking fairly evenly.

The kids are teens now and have taken over several of the daily cleaning chores in the house with assistance from me as needed. I pick up the clutter, keep everything organized and tidy, and do the deep cleaning and jobs that don't need done as frequently.

We like to keep things pretty easy going around here. None of us are doing tons of work, and we don't hire any outside help. We are always trying to optimize routines and put as many things on auto-pilot as we can. No-one complains about their "share" of the work. It all gets done, and things run pretty smoothly.

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #95 on: August 31, 2015, 05:05:55 PM »

I also deal with other issues in his housework, such as "I don't know how to do that," and half-assing the job so much that I'll do it next time. Both of these make me livid.


Reminds me of advice I got from an old workmate before I got married.  He said that if I break every fourth or fifth dish the first time she asks me to clean up after dinner, she will never ask again!

MoonShadow

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #96 on: August 31, 2015, 05:29:50 PM »

I also deal with other issues in his housework, such as "I don't know how to do that," and half-assing the job so much that I'll do it next time. Both of these make me livid.


Reminds me of advice I got from an old workmate before I got married.  He said that if I break every fourth or fifth dish the first time she asks me to clean up after dinner, she will never ask again!
Just remember this when you ask your wife to change the oil in the car or tune it up. If she breaks every fourth or fifth thing the first time you ask her to do it (on purpose of course), then you'll never ask her to do it again! We women can get out of doing things that way too  :-)

Another difference is that I wouldn't consider asking my wife to do tasks in my list.

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #97 on: August 31, 2015, 05:33:13 PM »
I'm still kind of confused and wondering what constitutes "household work". Is that just cleaning, cooking, and laundry type chores or is that encompassing everything? I see a lot of people saying their spouse/SO doesn't do cleaning, cooking, laundry chores so they have to do them, but are you including household, yard, and car repair type chores in that too? Is SO (male or female) the one who mainly does those DIY type of chores on an ongoing basis? Do you help with those projects, offer to help, or just do it yourself if SO doesn't get around to doing it when you feel it's needed? Some of those kind of chores can be all day, weekend or even week-long or more chores and may end up taking more time then occasional cleaning type chores do. Also wondering what % of people who do the majority of either types of chores are SAH compared to 2 working people and if that would make the poll different. Just curious. I'm currently tearing out an old toilet that's been in place since the 1950's and it is becoming a HUGE job that will end up taking me much longer then I thought it would. Rather be doing dishes  for 10 minutes :-)!

spartana, I updated the first post to clarify this. Probably should have done that earlier.

mustachepungoeshere

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #98 on: August 31, 2015, 05:44:35 PM »
I'm a woman and I do the large majority of housework, cooking and food prep, and the entirety of banking, filing, diary management.

My husband and I both work full-time, but he travels for work so is away from home about 40 per cent of the year.

As a result:

- I'm often the only one home
- the house needs little attention while he's away because I cook simple meals, pick up after myself, don't produce a lot of washing, etc
- I often use the time he is away to take on less frequent jobs around the house, like defrosting the freezer

The thing I get the most frustrated about is that I like a tidy home, so I minimise the work I need to do to keep it tidy. I pick up after myself, I clean as I cook, I declutter to make housework easier, and I never walk from room to room empty handed. Going to the bedroom? Grab that pair of shoes from by the front door and put them away.

My husband's response is to debate what housework is actually necessary and occasionally suggest my standards are too high.

Living in hotels for a good chunk of his life means he is used to having maids pick up after him.

And ironing remains a slight sticking point. He mostly refuses, I like having everything ready to go in the wardrobe rather than piled up the basket to be ironed at-will. He suggested an ironing lady, but the logistics are too hard with him travelling. He suggested at least getting his shirts drycleaned, then expected me to do pick-ups and drop-offs... :/

That said, after six years of marriage he is a lot better than he used to be. He puts dirty clothes in the basket, lightly worn clothes back on the shelf, polishes his boots, stacks the dishwasher, cleans the bathroom, cleans the toilet without needing to be asked, vacuums (if asked), loves cooking me breakfast, and is generally aware that pitching in together makes for a happier home.

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #99 on: August 31, 2015, 08:29:00 PM »
I'm a woman. DH does slightly more--mostly food related, which seems like a lot as it's an every morning/every night thing. (I do help with food prep/cooking, but I'm damn terrible at it. My cooking is a work in progress.) DH also does laundry on days he works from home to give himself a mental break. I do most of the household cleaning (small apartment, so no outdoor maintenance), meal planning, decluttering, and general picking up--stuff that is less day-to-day, but often more intensive--plus I do most of the household organization stuff (keeping the calendar, finances, dealing with the landlord/utilities/etc). We split Fido duties equally (no kids).

Part of this is how we express our love for each other. DH is a "acts of service": he shows me he loves me by making me food, taking the dog out when it rains, and remembering to not put my jeans through the dryer. I'm a "words of affirmation": which means I' walk him to the door when he leaves for work at the DAMN CRACK OF DAWN and tell him how much I love him and to have a good day, and I'm pretty good at whispering sweet nothings in his ear if it gets me out of chopping an onion.

I know I should help out more, particularly with food stuff; he knows he should be more verbally affirming. We're a work in progress, slowly heading toward a functioning equilibrium.