Poll

In your household, which partner does more of the household work and child care? (assuming opposite-sex couples here - explained below)

My partner does more. I'm a man.
25 (9.9%)
My partner does more. I'm a woman.
27 (10.7%)
It's close but my partner does a little more. I'm a man.
19 (7.5%)
It's close but my partner does a little more. I'm a woman.
12 (4.8%)
It's equal. I'm a man.
16 (6.3%)
It's equal. I'm a woman.
27 (10.7%)
It's close but I do a little more. I'm a man.
7 (2.8%)
It's close but I do a little more. I'm a woman.
20 (7.9%)
I do more. I'm a man.
25 (9.9%)
I do more. I'm a woman.
69 (27.4%)
Question as written does not apply; I'm in a same-sex relationship.
5 (2%)

Total Members Voted: 246

Author Topic: Who does more household work?  (Read 29464 times)

Cressida

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Who does more household work?
« on: August 25, 2015, 11:41:07 PM »
This thread http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/the-great-chore-divide-and-women-vs-men/ already shows signs of getting pretty annoying. I thought some actual data would be useful.

I'm not looking to start a fight here. I don't care about everyone's individual story, just the poll results.

And yes, this is certainly a Mustachian issue. Sometimes it leads to couples hiring outside help, which is a big expense.

Lesbian/gay folks, I am sorry for excluding you from the poll. Look at it this way - there's at least *one* problem you managed to escape, for whatever that's worth.


ETA: There's some confusion about what "household work" means. It means, any work to maintain the household. It is not restricted to indoor work or routine work.

There have also been questions about whether it would be appropriate for a SAHP to participate in the poll. The answer is yes.
« Last Edit: August 31, 2015, 05:32:35 PM by Cressida »

okits

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2015, 11:52:14 PM »
Couple of temporary factors in play right now means DH does a lot more*.  Very soon it will be more equal. 

*And without complaint.  I am lucky as hell.

Goldielocks

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2015, 11:56:07 PM »
You forgot the kids in your poll!  My kids take care of: load/unload dishes, mow lawn, garbage and recycling, own washroom, and pitch in monthly for group cleanup day, plus occasional sweeping, dusting, etc. It's actually quite a bit.

expatartist

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2015, 12:25:27 AM »
Regardless of whether you're interested in the stories behind the poll numbers, they're important.

Ours is a temporary man-does-more situation. DH currently works part time, so he currently does more chores. When we're both full-time, we split 50/50.

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2015, 12:30:49 AM »
Regardless of whether you're interested in the stories behind the poll numbers, they're important.

I think I only meant to discourage the comments from turning into a shitstorm. But, yes - your statement is fair.

raffmaster

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2015, 06:10:00 AM »
I do more simply because my fiance is military, so when he is away, I do everything. When he is here, we split closer to 50-50.

Basenji

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2015, 06:19:40 AM »
He does more, I'm a woman, BUT one of the conditions of my FIREing earlier than him in 3 years will be I pick up more household cleaning than I do now.

boarder42

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2015, 06:22:17 AM »
you probably should add "i do more I'm a woman but its also my only job"  to weed out the women who are "homemakers" for a living. 

Valencia de Valera

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2015, 06:28:04 AM »
I do a bit more housework than DH, but I wanted to add that I work at my actual job a bit less in a typical week so I think it comes out fairly even as to the total hours of "work" we do each week. And on the weeks that I work more, he does more housework.

Merrie

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #9 on: August 26, 2015, 06:29:56 AM »
you probably should add "i do more I'm a woman but its also my only job"  to weed out the women who are "homemakers" for a living.

And the converse. My husband does more, but I am the sole breadwinner.

Gray Matter

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #10 on: August 26, 2015, 06:43:18 AM »
There isn't a neat and tidy category for this, but we share household and childcare chores relatively equally in terms of time spent on them, but I have more responsibility, if that makes any sense.  He's more of the "helper" and I'm more of the "have to keep track of everything and make sure things make it on the To Do list and get done."  I would work harder to fix this inequity, but he travels a fair amount for work, and so I feel like I have to keep track of everything that needs doing so I can pick up his stuff when he's gone.  It causes friction in our marriage when he's traveling a lot, but we live quite harmoniously when he's not.

Guava

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2015, 07:02:03 AM »
I do more but he works 10 more hours a week than I do.  Either we split it equally and spend the few hours a night we get together doing chores, or I do it and we get to spend more meaningful time together. I choose more meaningful time. But he always helps if I ask.

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #12 on: August 26, 2015, 07:07:39 AM »
I work FT and she is a SAHP with a side hustle. She does more of the housework, but we try to make parenting close to 50/50 since that is our purpose in life.

That said we both settle on a responsibility to generally pick up after ourselves. The first person to put a dirty dish on the countertop instead of in the dishwasher when it's getting loaded loses the game, etc. Nagging is not a part of it.

I take care of most home maintenance and exterior work.

thd7t

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #13 on: August 26, 2015, 07:42:22 AM »
I do more childcare, because my wife travels for work some and because I just like it.  We try to split chores pretty evenly and not to do the same ones all the time, but that's a tricky balance.  We say that one parent is doing something too much when our three year-old says that it's "Mom's job" or "Dad's job".  It's a good way to try to rebalance and to teach that either parent should work on household chores.

Kris

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #14 on: August 26, 2015, 07:51:54 AM »
My husband works full-time, I in theory work full-time but in actuality work about 25-30 hours a week, plus I have a side hustle for the other 10 hours or so.

We are extremely lucky in that we have literally never had an argument about housework.

In our case, my husband loves to cook.  So, he is in charge of all the cooking and all the food shopping. 

I'm in charge of literally everything else: cleaning, laundry, litter, errands, taking cats to the vet and making sure we have a supply of their food and litter, scheduling any appointments with repair people, paying bills, doing our retirement planning, making sure the taxes get done and filed, record-keeping, taking Husband's shirts to the dry cleaner, etc.

It works for us.  He gets to do something he loves, and I get to remember how delicious last night's dinner was when I'm paying bills the next morning.

TN_Steve

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #15 on: August 26, 2015, 08:06:44 AM »
I'm one of those people who has a hard time with polls!

Depends upon the year, month, day--I was a SAHD for many years, now at office 65-70 hours a week baseline.  DW may be home very little in weeks when she has a lot of patients delivering babies.

Also, what is "household work"?  Does it include: taking care of financials/taxes, grading the driveway, cutting the fields, putting snow tires on just before the storm, replumbing bathrooms, and the like? (me)  How about gardening and taking care of most car maintenance/licensing and all other "appointment" chores on the 1/2 day off you have most weeks? (DW)  How about cooking--is that a chore, like during the week, or something that you do for fun if both of you are home on the same weekend afternoon?

DW sees dirt where I don't, but hates doing dishes.  She does the detail work whenever, while I have kitchen cleanup/dishes each night when I'm in town.  Whoever is home on Saturday or Sunday the longest tends to do laundry.  Other stuff gets done every other weekend per schedule. 

Bottom line, even enough for us.


GuitarStv

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #16 on: August 26, 2015, 08:09:32 AM »
Hmm.  Tough question to answer because we do complimentary things.

My wife tends to handle more of the child care related chores, and I tend to do more of the house maintenance / landscaping / taking garbage out stuff.  We cook about the same amount, but I usually do dishes.  I do laundry and hanging the stuff most of the time, but the wife tends to do the folding.  Cleaning is probably an even split.  We both alternate for getting groceries.  I do all the taxes for both of us.

I think it's close, but she probably does slightly more.
« Last Edit: August 26, 2015, 08:11:49 AM by GuitarStv »

hops

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #17 on: August 26, 2015, 08:24:30 AM »
There's an unequal division of domestic labor in my relationship (I do virtually all of the housework, though my partner cooks twice a week and occasionally helps unload the dishwasher), but we're both women so it's unrelated to gender. Her job is much more demanding than mine, so we expect this to continue throughout the rest of her residency and fellowship. She claims she'll help more with basic chores once her schedule's less hectic, but we know there are some things (like overseeing finances and home maintenance) that will always be my domain. If we have kids, I'll be a SAHM for a few years.

I don't mind the way we do things currently, since she's naturally a slob and I'm a neatnik. The way our life together is structured feels like a team effort, with the work I do to keep our lives running smoothly facilitating her ability to focus on her career.

Goldielocks

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #18 on: August 26, 2015, 08:34:21 AM »
Sexism driving this topic is bunk.

For the first 10 years out of your childhood home, your habits and how you are raised drive many of our actions pertaining to chores. Plus people who are experienced do a chore much, much faster.   If you also like a clean home, it is a no brainer to clean it.

After that, the 'shoulds' start to fade and people rebalance to what works for them. As in 'you should clean a toilet every other day', a good wife 'should' keep a neat home..

In homes where men and women are both working, I don't see a sex division of labour at that point. Out of 5 closest friends, I know 2 where the guy does a lot more and 2 where the woman does. And it is definitely NOT related to who works or is paid more. Especially obvious if one spouse loses a job for a year.   Note that none of us have a  dry clean, MIL inspection worthy home unless a housekeeper is involved.

This is the new trend any those of you here that are 35 to 45 will likely agree.

Women do like to come together to complain on this theme. It is fun. It is traditional. Just not reality anymore with so many dual working households. Men like to complain about how much women spend. I have noticed. All of it is just vacuous small talk.

Kitsune

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #19 on: August 26, 2015, 08:49:55 AM »
As of this month, things are starting to approach equality... which may be a direct result of the previous month's "either this actually improves or I will look at other solutions because I am NOT living like this long-term" conversation.

We've been together 7 years. In the past (before having a child), I did maybe 70-80% of the housework (while fighting about the extra 20-30%... but garbage needs taking out, we need clean clothes to wear, and dinner is also needed, so not doing any of it isn't really an option). And I did this while out-earning him by an average of 50%, and also working 10-15 hours more per week than he did. And now that I type this out, I'm kind of astonished that I stuck it out. Hello, backbone, please come back... 

But add a 16-month-old on top of that? No. I cannot do 70-80% of the child care in addition to most of the housework in addition to working longer hours. No. Not gonna happen. Done. I'm exhausted and have nothing left to give.

Fortunately he seems to understand that, and things have improved somewhat. Let's just say I'm not over it yet.

CommonCents

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #20 on: August 26, 2015, 09:07:24 AM »
Agree the poll has the issue of not disregarding stay at home parents or those with disproportionate hours.  We both work full-time and commute together, so to serpentstooth's point, our compensated hours are similar.  He used to work about 0-3 extra hours a week at work (in those cases I'd usually stay late at the office too) but doesn't anymore and I'm more apt to do that these days (working from home).  I also serve on a non-profit Board, which adds approximately 15-40 hours to my uncompensated workload each month and is not accounted for below.  No kids.

I primarily do:
Cooking
Laundry
Loading/emptying dishwasher
Dishes
Cleaning kitchen (wipe counters, clean sink/stove/microwave)
Planning meals and groceries
Sweeping floor & vacuuming
Laundry (sorting, running, folding)
Changing sheets
Cleaning bathrooms (tub/showers/sinks/floors)
Putting "things" (leftovers, groceries, daily detritus) away
Prepping trash/recycling for the dump
Picking up goose poop from yard
Gardening upkeep (trimming, weeding)
Admin (scheduling contractors, researching purchases, planning vacations, figuring out HSA totals)
Paperwork (filing, responding to, recycling)
Figuring our charitable deductions for taxes for "stuff"

He primarily does:
Grilling (as noted above, I do more of the total cooking - inside and out - though)
Running to the store if something is needed immediately
Changing his cat's litter box
Taking trash/recycling to the dump
Lawn mowing
Gardening planting & watering
Driving
Taxes

Together we:
Grocery shop
Run errands
Pay bills
Clean toilets
Rake leaves
Shovel Snow

It's been suggested by some that those who have higher standards ought to do all of the work of their extra expectations.  I think some of those people may be assuming or thinking that the person with higher standards has above average standards.  What about when one party has no standards
For a specific example, how often do you think your tub/shower ought to be cleaned?  How often do you actually clean your tub/shower?  Over a 5 year period, if you clean it:
once a week, that's 260 times
once a month, that's 60 times
once a year, that's 5 times
When I met DH, he had bought his condo five years prior.  In that time he never once cleaned his tub/shower.  This makes "compromising" to even a below average cleaning by objective standards tough.  And I bet at the same time you are telling me I just need to do it all myself because it's "my" standards, you'd also decline an offer to take a shower in that old condo tub, because it was well below what any reasonable person might consider ok.

The original post in the prior thread was presented in a biased manner, however, studies do show that women tend do more household chores than men, even when both work:
http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/29/household-chores-by-gender/?_r=0
http://business.time.com/2012/06/28/more-women-are-in-the-workforce-so-why-are-we-still-doing-so-many-chores/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/01/130123144222.htm
« Last Edit: August 26, 2015, 11:00:26 AM by CommonCents »

Kitsune

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #21 on: August 26, 2015, 09:19:47 AM »
It's been suggested by some that those who have higher standards ought to do all of the work of their extra expectations.  I think some of those people may be assuming or thinking that the person with higher standards has above average standards.  What about when one party has no standards?

THIS. I mean. My standards are not HIGH (for example, I HATE washing floors. On a good month, they get washed once, and a quick vaccuum a few times a week for the debris, dirt, and pet fur that always seems to accumulate.) I'm not particularly picky about most things. But: we have a baby. She crawls on the floor, and takes baths instead of showers, and puts in her mouth whatever she finds on the floor. At a baseline, we need the floor to be clean enough that she's not putting spoiled food in her mouth, and the tub to be washed weekly (because she fills her stacking cups with water and drinks it, and I'd prefer she not drink grime-y water...). We need the dishes done frequently enough that the milk bottles don't turn into cheese, the counters wiped down so they don't get stained (with the associated cost of either fixing it or lowering the resale value...), etc. I don't think these are unreasonable standards. I think they're bare minimum standards to

I remember MMM writing a post a while back about how most people clean too much, and I generally agree with him. I'm not going to clean if it isn't dirty. But you do have to have SOME standards. Especially when one of the household members doesn't yet know that they shouldn't put everything on the floor into their mouth, not cleaning at all isn't an option.

AZDude

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #22 on: August 26, 2015, 09:40:00 AM »
I'm a man(obviously), and I do probably 80% of the household chores. I did closer to 100% when I was still working from home, but it bothers me alot more about how little the DW does when I am in the office 5 days a week. We usually end up having a conversation about the chores like once a month, where she picks it up for a couple weeks, then slacks off, then I talk to her, rinse, repeat...

Cpa Cat

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #23 on: August 26, 2015, 09:44:40 AM »
When we first got married, my husband was the sole breadwinner while I went to school and got my citizenship sorted out. By the time I graduated, he had a successful business. Shortly thereafter, we sold it. To this day, my husband's business endeavors are what enabled us to FIRE.

While he was busy running his business (I helped, but not to the same degree), I was essentially a "kept woman" and the burden of household labor fell to me. It is not unfair to say that I did 100% of the household labor, including cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill paying, lawn care, pet care, errands, etc. plus some business secretarial work.

When I went to work full time as an accountant (and he was retired), I really didn't have time for that burden. We made some effort to switch it (he does the dishes and is responsible for cleaning the basement, helped with cooking prep) - but it never got beyond a 75% me 25% him split. Now I am also FIRE'd, although I work from home part time.

It wasn't sexism that made it this way. It just happened by matter of convenience. And once the habits were in place they were hard to change. My husband confessed last week that he was afraid to use the basement bathroom because, in his words, him cleaning the basement "wasn't working." He decided to hire a cleaning service to clean our house.

My instinct was to grab the bleach and bucket and go take care of business - but you know what? I don't want to clean his filthy bathroom. And if I did that, I couldn't really blame him for the fact that our division of household labor suddenly skewed against me again. He was honest with me, told me it wasn't working, and offered a solution that involved less work for both of us. We hired a service.

I could have chosen to keep banging my head against the wall of unequal distribution of labor and taken over the chore - but I know where that leads. I'm done taking over chores. It was my choice whether to accept his solution or not.

darkadams00

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #24 on: August 26, 2015, 10:18:36 AM »
This is an interesting topic to me simply because it is one of the four key areas in our marriage that has never completely been solved after twenty plus years. It comes up occasionally, whether via an explicit complaint by DW or by an implicit "I'll guess I'll get that."

I'm a structure/process kind of guy. What works for me is "DH handles x, y, and z every day/week/month" and "DW handles a, b, and c every day/week/month"--rare overlap by one person unless in a situation that really requires it. So we agree to some form of division of labor, and then she still does half of my work one week. She then hits the "a little help on the housework, please" button while doing her part of the weeklies. I refer to said agreement, but she says something like, "It needed to get done, and you weren't doing it." Not in the worst tone, but she does mean that I wasn't doing it right then. Which is true.

Then I revert to the "Fine. Just let me know what you want done and when, and I'll see to it." Her response--"I shouldn't have to ask. You can tell when X needs to be done." No schedule, no plan. Just clean/wash/dust/dry/fold/vacuum on any random day. Not one aspect of my life works like that, but that hasn't been a workable line of reasoning thus far, regardless of the myriad of real-life examples.

As I type this, it sounds almost as bad as it gets during those conversations, but those times really are occasional, not weekly. Her positive qualities are really amazing, but the four power buttons in our marriage still get pushed more than they should. It just amazes me that after years of this, we have never gotten this sorted out and settled once and for all. Fourteen ways of addressing it, rationalizing it, and polishing it apparently haven't worked. The work always gets done, but occasionally it still requires a little bloodletting.

Jakejake

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #25 on: August 26, 2015, 10:34:02 AM »
We both work full time, kid is grown and out of the house. He's more a neatfreak so he does more because it bothers him more. I think I could go a couple months without even thinking "hmmm, maybe I should vaccuum."

I'm ashamed to say we have a dishwasher repairman coming today and last night I had to check with him that I know how to turn on the dishwasher right.

I do all the grocery shopping, all the cooking, and handwashing of pots and pans, I'm not a total slacker, but I should do more.

CommonCents

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #26 on: August 26, 2015, 10:44:26 AM »
'm ashamed to say we have a dishwasher repairman coming today and last night I had to check with him that I know how to turn on the dishwasher right.

After we had been living in the house for 6 month, DH told me "I know this is going to sound bad, but how do you start the dishwasher?" 

Yes, it not only sounded bad, it was bad.  Until then I was under the impression I was loading and starting the dishwasher "only" ~90% of the time, not 100%.  (And I figured out how to start the dishwasher on my own - it didn't take a Harvard PhD to figure it out.)

This is an interesting topic to me simply because it is one of the four key areas in our marriage that has never completely been solved after twenty plus years. It comes up occasionally, whether via an explicit complaint by DW or by an implicit "I'll guess I'll get that."

Out of curiosity, what are the other three?

Philociraptor

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #27 on: August 26, 2015, 10:46:13 AM »
Using CommonCents' list to help me divvy up chores below.

As far as compensated work is concerned, we each work M-F 8-5 salaried jobs, but she commutes further and does more work from home. I make 25% more than she does.

I primarily do:
Grilling (primary protein-preparation method during summer)
Laundry (she does sort and store her clothes)
Dishes
Cleaning counter-tops/floors
General tidying up
Taking out trash/recycling
Repairs/renovations around the house
Finances and Admin stuff

She primarily does:
Cooking (non-grilling, though I assist)
Meal planning
Cleaning bathroom

Together we:
Grocery shop
Run errands

Roommates help with:
Lawn/garden care

In pure time I probably do a bit more around the house. Chores naturally divvy up the way they do with little discussion, we've never had a fight about household tasks but everything seems to get done.

Jakejake

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #28 on: August 26, 2015, 10:51:46 AM »
I'm ashamed to say we have a dishwasher repairman coming today and last night I had to check with him that I know how to turn on the dishwasher right.

After we had been living in the house for 6 month, DH told me "I know this is going to sound bad, but how do you start the dishwasher?" 

Yes, it not only sounded bad, it was bad.  Until then I was under the impression I was loading and starting the dishwasher "only" ~90% of the time, not 100%.  (And I figured out how to start the dishwasher on my own - it didn't take a Harvard PhD to figure it out.)

I'm laughing here, but also anything with electronics or motors tends to fall to him because he's got some weird psychic connection with them that intimidates me. True story - one night we were upstairs in bed watching tv, and he suddenly says "did you hear that?" I'm thinking well, I hear the tv. He says "the bearings on the dishwasher need to be replaced." Me, I wasn't even aware the dishwasher was running.  The repair issue today is similar, he noticed from the sound that the pump was filling the dishwasher, then draining out some of the water before actually running. Who notices that sort of thing???

Cressida

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #29 on: August 26, 2015, 10:59:16 AM »
I really dislike this construction. There is a set amount of labor that is necessary to run our lives. Some of it is compensated. Some of it isn't. I do almost all the non-compensated labor, but my husband also makes triple what I do and works far more hours. When you compare total hours worked, whether free or paid, I am pretty confident he is working and commuting more hours than I am working, commuting or doing housework. So I am not about to start playing my tiny violin of feminist woe and oppression over the fact that running the household falls to me.

Why do you keep hammering on compensation??? No one's brought that up except you, in both threads.

I'm a red panda

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #30 on: August 26, 2015, 11:03:40 AM »
My husband does more. Especially now that I am pregnant and been so sick. I'm really slacking.
We both work full time jobs, though I travel more for work.  He makes about 3% more than me. His commute is much shorter, but I get home earlier because I go in earlier. We wake up at the same time, but he sits down for a nice breakfast every morning.

But we aren't passive aggressive about things. Although he typically takes out the trash, for instance, if I notice it getting bad (well before I threw up at small smells...) I just take it.  Although he typically shovels snow, if I get home first, I will do it. He does the grocery shopping, but will send me lists if he is busy.  I do laundry, but if I travel for work, he does it. If I've left one too many dishes out, he'll tell me to go clean them up.

I am messier than he is, but he tends to tidy as cleaning. For the first 5 years we were married I don't think he ever cleaned a toilet. He didn't like the chemical smell- um, no one does? I do most of the disinfecting cleaning (toilets, floors, etc), except for the kitchen. The kitchen is his, and I try to stay out of it in general, with the exception of emptying the dishwasher, which is my chore (though right now with the vomiting thing, I don't go near the sink/dishes at all).  I do my best to not leave stuff lying around, but we have different thresholds. I am SO much better than I was 10-15 years ago though.

He does the lawn. That was the deal when we got a giant yard. I didn't want one.

He is also really handy, so he does repairs and home improvement. But when we need a professional, I generally am the one tasked with finding them, getting quotes, scheduling services, etc.

We've never had an argument about it, so I think he's fairly happy with the arrangement. I hate to think he's resented it for the past 10 years!


I did tell him I'd sew a button on that I never got around to (and he just did it himself)- and the shirt sat in the mending pile for about 8 months. So he printed out this sign, and crossed out and reversed the sexes:
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/fd/6f/30/fd6f30dcbe08d00db82e03cc914f11e5.jpg
So when he asked me to fix a seam in a t-shirt he ripped, I made sure to do it that day.

With a baby on the way, I suspect I will do more of the child related tasks (just due to proximity I get the daycare runs, and due to my job flexibility I will likely do all the appointments; I can work from home ad hoc; he is a chemist and it is tough to bring the hood home!). And just because of my experience with children, some of the things like diapers, bathing, dressing will fall to me. Because I have breasts, feeding will obviously be my responsibility for 6 months to a year. So it may help that he does more household tasks. A lot of women I know really resent that they do both things.
« Last Edit: August 26, 2015, 11:09:53 AM by iowajes »

I'm a red panda

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #31 on: August 26, 2015, 11:04:54 AM »
you probably should add "i do more I'm a woman but its also my only job"  to weed out the women who are "homemakers" for a living.

What about "I do more, I'm a man, but it is my only job?"  There are men who are "homemakers" too.

Zikoris

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #32 on: August 26, 2015, 11:07:58 AM »
We do pretty similar amounts. It's really hard to nail down an exact number. Neither of us has particularly high standards for cleanliness, which is great.

My jobs:
Cooking
Keeping the kitchen in order
Vacuuming
Document shredding and worm care (we feed our shredded documents to worms)
Larger organizing projects or things involving furniture
Fixing things and doing bike maintenance

His jobs:
Dishes
Sweeping
Taking out garbage
Fixing the bed

Shared duties:
Laundry (He carries it to the laundry room and back to wash, I hang it to dry)
Grocery shopping (he does more since he's in charge of grabbing random things outside of our weekly shops together)
Bathroom cleaning
Cat stuff (he does more than me)

I'm don't do the whole Cinderella-martyr thing, and simply would not choose to live with someone who didn't pull their weight.

rockstache

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #33 on: August 26, 2015, 11:16:47 AM »
Posted this in the other thread before I saw this one. I am a woman and I think he definitely does slightly more than me. We have never fought about chores or responsibilities.

He does: take out the trash, vacuuming, all dishes (we do have a dishwasher, but he loads the dirty ones and puts them all away as well as washing all pots and pans that don't fit), all small maintenance items around the house, mows the lawn (only around 5/6 times a year as we both loathe it and don't own our house/care what it looks like), toilet cleaning, minor car repairs

I do: all the laundry, all financial planning/budgeting and vacation planning/travel hacking, filing of important paperwork/taxes, dusting/cleaning of surfaces, glass cleaning, bathroom cleaning (except toilet), most grocery shopping (although he will always stop and pick something up if we need it), all the tidying/putting away clutter, all cleaning of random things that need it occasionally (such as the toaster)

We do: grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking (almost always together), making of our own lunches, changing the sheets on the bed, sweeping/swiffering, cleaning our own cars, working full time



ketchup

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #34 on: August 26, 2015, 11:25:42 AM »
She does more cleaning; I do more fixing.

Rosy

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #35 on: August 26, 2015, 11:57:20 AM »
This question cannot be answered with a simple poll, you need to hear the real life situation behind each case. Duties and help within a household shift all the time - 6 months from now, my answer might be different.

Today it is: I do more, because I have the time, he works and I am retired with the occasional side gig - but, I also have an immune disease and when I have a flare up, he takes over, plus he still has a full time job.

I absolutely hate housework of any kind, except for organizing and cooking. I am seriously considering having someone come in to help sporadically or even once every two weeks.
I love to cook, so it is never a chore for me and on days when I am fine, I do all the dishes and daily kitchen clean up. When I don't feel well, I cook something simple and he takes care of the kitchen and helps with the prep too.

We both do laundry and he helps in the garden, but that has shifted to almost 50/50 depending on my health issues. We do have a lawn guy.
He takes care of home repairs.
I do the serious spring cleaning and getting the house ready for the holidays - I prefer to do that myself, since it usually involves some sort of re-decorating and I do get into the nitty gritty of cleaning at those times - which is completely lost on him.
He is excellent in keeping up with the day to day - I am better with coming in for a clean sweep.
 
It generally works for us, but he does not really understand, how much it bothers me when I am not able to take care of certain things, because I no longer have the energy I once had. 

Matt_D

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #36 on: August 26, 2015, 12:26:14 PM »
My wife is mostly a SAHM and also has about 10-15 hrs/month of side gig. I work full time and am in grad school.
So right now... she does more (I do what I can when I'm home and 90% of the things a 7-months-pregnant lady should not be doing... she gets to the other 10% before I can stop her!).

It was different when we didn't have kids and were both working, and depending on what happens in the future may be different again. I would say our who-does-what is more related to who's at home than it is to gender.

monstermonster

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #37 on: August 26, 2015, 03:14:17 PM »
My friends who own a business and have two kids together have a very interesting financial system (they have independent finances and pay one another for everything - from who goes and grabs the car to who has to leave work early to pick up the kids- you can read more about it here.)

But particularly notable is the fact that despite paying each other for all of those transaction the male now pays the female $1000/month for being "default parent". Which isn't for set childcare or anything, it's for all of those cumulative ways that being the first parent ads up: the one the school calls when their sick, when dad is sitting right next to the kids but they yell to mom in the other room "MOM! I need a spoon!!"

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #38 on: August 26, 2015, 03:15:13 PM »
You forgot the kids in your poll!  My kids take care of: load/unload dishes, mow lawn, garbage and recycling, own washroom, and pitch in monthly for group cleanup day, plus occasional sweeping, dusting, etc. It's actually quite a bit.

Amen!  Not necesarily any easier than doing it myself (probably harder) but it is getting done and the kids are learning something (have kids so they can do all the chores!?).  I do handle anything that requires muscle or dangerous equipment. 

Tyson

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #39 on: August 26, 2015, 03:57:36 PM »
I'm a man, I do all the cooking and dishes and most of the pickup/cleanup around the house.  She does all the yard work and gets our daughter ready for school and takes her in the morning.  Since I cook, I also do the grocery shopping.  I also walk the dog every day. 

mm1970

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #40 on: August 26, 2015, 04:06:16 PM »
We both work full time, kid is grown and out of the house. He's more a neatfreak so he does more because it bothers him more. I think I could go a couple months without even thinking "hmmm, maybe I should vaccuum."

I'm ashamed to say we have a dishwasher repairman coming today and last night I had to check with him that I know how to turn on the dishwasher right.

I do all the grocery shopping, all the cooking, and handwashing of pots and pans, I'm not a total slacker, but I should do more.
When we were dating, my husband would love to come over and vacuum, because you could see the results.  I didn't own one.

I am similar with the laundry.  We got a new top loader with no agitator last year and it HATES me.  It normally takes and hour and when I run it, it gets unbalanced and takes at least 3.

MsPeacock

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #41 on: August 26, 2015, 04:45:44 PM »
You left out single people (particularly single parents). I do *everything* as there is no other adult in the household. As the kids get older they do a bit - but it is negligible at this point. There is no 'partner" to do anything.

Full_Beard

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #42 on: August 26, 2015, 05:04:12 PM »
The bottom line -- the partner that cares about it more and is naturally more neat/anal/whatever is going to do more. Whether that be a lot more or a little more will depend.

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #43 on: August 26, 2015, 05:16:30 PM »
I am the sole breadwinner, and my husband does 95% of the household chores. I take care of the financial planning (though he does the bill paying), I cook every now and again and sometimes I do the dishes or put in a load of laundry.

Okay, saying I do 5% of the household chores may be a bit generous.

Some we do together, like grooming the dog (ex: I feed the dog treats to keep him calm while DH grinds his nails) and other dog care (walking, etc). Oh, and we generally grocery shop together.

ender

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #44 on: August 26, 2015, 05:23:13 PM »
I would be curious about a poll like this for:

Are you [satisfied / dissatisfied] with the amount of housework your spouse does and I am a [male / female].

wordnerd

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #45 on: August 26, 2015, 06:56:43 PM »
I would be curious about a poll like this for:

Are you [satisfied / dissatisfied] with the amount of housework your spouse does and I am a [male / female].

I like this. For the record, I'm a woman, and my husband does more. We've discussed it at some length, and I finally got comfortable that this arrangement works for us for now. It also changes over time. With our baby due in December, there are certain things that I am more likely take on (breastfeeding, middle of the night wake-ups, etc). As long as everyone is happy, I don't think score-keeping does anyone much good.

Jakejake

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #46 on: August 26, 2015, 07:07:10 PM »
I would be curious about a poll to see who here did a little extra housework today after reading this thread. :)

Zikoris

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #47 on: August 26, 2015, 07:46:34 PM »
I would be curious about a poll to see who here did a little extra housework today after reading this thread. :)

I know, right? I had a half hour window when I got home from work while waiting for a dinner ingredient to finish roasting, and decided to see what I could get done for housework - I cleaned the bathroom, scrubbed the stove top and kitchen counters down, watered the worms, and did a few little things. After my boyfriend got home I made dinner, bread, muffins, and we did laundry together. For a 400 square foot place, that's basically everything except vacuuming and cleaning the fridge. Now it's 6:45 and we have the whole evening to go for a bike ride and play video games.

MrsCoolCat

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #48 on: August 26, 2015, 08:28:10 PM »
I primarily do:
Cooking
Laundry
Loading/emptying dishwasher
Dishes
Cleaning kitchen (wipe counters, clean sink/stove/microwave)
Planning meals and groceries
Sweeping floor & vacuuming
Laundry (sorting, running, folding)
Changing sheets
Cleaning bathrooms (tub/showers/sinks/floors)
Putting "things" (leftovers, groceries, daily detritus) away
Prepping trash/recycling for the dump
Picking up goose poop from yard
Gardening upkeep (trimming, weeding)
Admin (scheduling contractors, researching purchases, planning vacations, figuring out HSA totals)
Paperwork (filing, responding to, recycling)
Figuring our charitable deductions for taxes for "stuff"

He primarily does:
Grilling (as noted above, I do more of the total cooking - inside and out - though)
Running to the store if something is needed immediately
Changing his cat's litter box
Taking trash/recycling to the dump
Lawn mowing
Gardening planting & watering
Driving
Taxes

Together we:
Grocery shop
Run errands
Pay bills
Clean toilets
Rake leaves
Shovel Snow

The original post in the prior thread was presented in a biased manner, however, studies do show that women tend do more household chores than men, even when both work:
http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/29/household-chores-by-gender/?_r=0
http://business.time.com/2012/06/28/more-women-are-in-the-workforce-so-why-are-we-still-doing-so-many-chores/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/01/130123144222.htm

Sex aside it's ironic that I also separate doing dishes and clearing the dish rack/washer and he some how does not. According to your list I definitely do a LOT more than him! And likewise my SO also has NEVER cleaned the shower and he's lived here at least 3 years now. It's not my choice in the matter. Anyways.
« Last Edit: August 26, 2015, 08:30:19 PM by MrsCoolCat »

MrsCoolCat

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Re: Who does more household work?
« Reply #49 on: August 26, 2015, 08:34:58 PM »
THIS. I mean. My standards are not HIGH (for example, I HATE washing floors. On a good month, they get washed once, and a quick vaccuum a few times a week for the debris, dirt, and pet fur that always seems to accumulate.) I'm not particularly picky about most things. But: we have a baby. She crawls on the floor, and takes baths instead of showers, and puts in her mouth whatever she finds on the floor. At a baseline, we need the floor to be clean enough that she's not putting spoiled food in her mouth, and the tub to be washed weekly (because she fills her stacking cups with water and drinks it, and I'd prefer she not drink grime-y water...). We need the dishes done frequently enough that the milk bottles don't turn into cheese, the counters wiped down so they don't get stained (with the associated cost of either fixing it or lowering the resale value...), etc. I don't think these are unreasonable standards. I think they're bare minimum standards to

I remember MMM writing a post a while back about how most people clean too much, and I generally agree with him. I'm not going to clean if it isn't dirty. But you do have to have SOME standards. Especially when one of the household members doesn't yet know that they shouldn't put everything on the floor into their mouth, not cleaning at all isn't an option.

I'm particularly worried/scared about this situation after my friend already pretty much said the same thing, and she's just the sister-in-law, not the mom/wife! She said her brother has no clue and does nothing (though a great dad) and she was helping them clean bc they have a newborn. She was actually the one that said her sister-in-law is resenting her husband (her brother) more and more... This may be cultural though. I can try to tolerate a messy house when pregnant but I KNOW I will lose if it's a matter of a baby's sanitation concerns. I doubt my SO will notice. I could be wrong. The fears continue.