Author Topic: Whether to move in with less mustachian partner?  (Read 4886 times)

jatb

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Whether to move in with less mustachian partner?
« on: February 24, 2013, 08:29:48 AM »
Hi,

I'd really appreciate your views on an issue which is currently facing me.  Apologies in advance for the length of the post.

I moved to a small town 2 years ago, buying a small house which was mortgage free, with the intention of changing employment in time so I had a walk/bike commute to my job.  I got made redundant 6 days after moving and although I was lucky enough to start another well paying job 2 months later (my current employment) this was based a lot further away.  I chose to rent a tiny apartment near that employment, and I commuted home at weekends.  I'm now considering leaving my job (which I find stressful) and try to find a (probably much less well paid) job which is local to my home - i.e. my original plan.  I have worked out my likely cost of living and need to find work paying £10k a year in order to live (I don't spend much).  Anything over £10k could be saved.  It wouldn't be financial independence but it would mean I had some choice over the work I chose to do and I do have some savings to fall back on in a fallow period.  It would also give me more time in the evenings to do things I'd like to do (for example, up until 2 years ago I swam with a masters club, and did much more sport).  I have some money in pension funds which would pay out at 60 and would be enough to support me thereafter.  I'm currently 43.

However, my boyfriend who lives about an hour's drive away would like me to move in with him.  This would mean a long commute for me to get to my current job (about 3.5 hours in total each day) and so I still wouldn't have time for sports clubs or evening activities.  It would also mean that my living costs go up a lot - I would need a salary of £23k to meet half the living costs of my boyfriend's house and my travel.  Most of this cost is due to him having a far larger house than me to house a far greater number of possessions (for example, he has 3 cars), and he has a large mortgage.  Although I could still give up my stressful job to have a more enjoyable life, realistically I wouldn't be able to find a job paying £23k locally, so I would either have the long commute or would be eating into my savings to live with him and help pay his mortgage.

My boyfriend shares care of his young daughter with his ex wife so it makes it difficult for him to move from the area, but he's also quite resistant to the idea that he could stay in the same area and downsize.  He wants to keep his 3 cars (I don't have a licence so only he drives) and wants a home with garaging for the cars.  He also considers it necessary to have a playroom for his daughter in addition to her bedroom, plus a spare bedroom for guests and plus an office in case he needs to work from home (although I've never known him to do this, and its not really necessary as his work is only 5 minutes drive/15 minutes cycle away).  He doesn't want to combine the rarely used spare room with the never used office.

When he and I discuss finances he says he agrees that it makes sense to focus on needs rather than wants (but he bought 2 more new bicycles a few days after we last talked about this).  I feel he'd like to live more simply in theory, but finds his current lifestyle too comfortable to make any changes.

While it would be lovely to live with my boyfriend, I don't want to have the additional commute and the consequent diminution in time to do sports, and (as I'm the tidier of the two) I guess I'll probably spend a lot more time on household chores.  I also don't want to carry on with my stressful job.  But my main concern is that I'll be paying more, and in order to subsidise an anti-mustachian lifestyle. 

Does anyone have any ideas on how I could persuade my boyfriend that downsizing is both feasible and attractive, and that its not necessary to have 3 cars plus a playroom/office/spare room which will be nearly always empty.  Or should I just go back to living in my own home and show him by example?

Thank you in advance for any suggestions.

Crash87

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Re: Whether to move in with less mustachian partner?
« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2013, 09:02:50 AM »
That is quite a tough situation. Is he aware of your financial goals? If not maybe talking to him about your dream of early retirement would make him want to retire early himself. I would definitely reconcile those differences, and any others, before moving in together.

Good luck!

jatb

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Re: Whether to move in with less mustachian partner?
« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2013, 11:22:41 AM »
Yes, we had some quite detailed discussions early on and I thought we were on the same page regarding financial independence but I think he perhaps likes his luxuries more than he may have thought.  I appreciate your responding, thank you.

mushroom

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Re: Whether to move in with less mustachian partner?
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2013, 11:41:05 AM »
Does anyone have any ideas on how I could persuade my boyfriend that downsizing is both feasible and attractive, and that its not necessary to have 3 cars plus a playroom/office/spare room which will be nearly always empty.  Or should I just go back to living in my own home and show him by example?

Considering it seems like you've already talked at length about this topic with him and he shows no signs of changing (i.e. the two new bikes right after a conversation about it), I think at this point you just need to decide whether you want to stay with him/move in with him despite his antimustachianism or not. While it's theoretically possible that he'll change, it's much healthier to assume that he will stay exactly the way he is and make your decision with that assumption.

.22guy

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Re: Whether to move in with less mustachian partner?
« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2013, 12:45:43 PM »
Kinda sounds like you have made up your mind on this one and hope people here will help you be Ok with that choice.

Based solely on what you mention here, I think you will be very miserable if you move in with him (money, time, commute, financial goals, housework).

Good luck with your decision.

bogart

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Re: Whether to move in with less mustachian partner?
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2013, 02:03:17 PM »
Honestly, the compromises you are describing taking on in order to move in with your boyfriend are firmly in what I'd consider purgatory if not actually in the place that leads to.  No way would I personally undertake what you are contemplating, and my quick thought (beyond that) is that you are in a much, much stronger negotiating position now than you would be once you've moved into his home.

Of course you may feel differently about this than I do, which is I suppose its own indicator about whether it is or isn't worth (in effect) agreeing to all those many conditions you don't (inherently) want in order to be able to cohabit.

KimAB

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Re: Whether to move in with less mustachian partner?
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2013, 03:26:17 PM »
   This would mean a long commute for me to get to my current job (about 3.5 hours in total each day) and so I still wouldn't have time for sports clubs or evening activities.  It would also mean that my living costs go up a lot - I would need a salary of £23k to meet half the living costs of my boyfriend's house and my travel. 


 I would either have the long commute or would be eating into my savings to live with him and help pay his mortgage.

Two things picked out of everything you've said.  I'm also 43 and if I was single I wouldn't go looking for a boyfriend or husband #2.  That may colour my remarks - just so you know.  ;-)

It seems like you would have to give up a LOT to live with him- sports, clubs, friends (?) , a lot of money and time.  I've been mulling this over all day.  I don't know what the financial implications are for you living with him- ie. Common-law marriage, etc.  Here you are quickly married whether you want to be or not, but I believe that is something to consider.  For example- are you going to be paying half of a large mortgage (on a house you don't seem to want) but will never have any ownership in? (Will he put you on the mortgage if you are paying half?)  Or will you become responsible for half of his debt...

My life experience has just made me think that I would NEVER live with a man (and combine my finances with his) EVER again.  Maybe you don't feel that strongly against it and want to just throw your life in with his and be a step mom to his little girl.  If that is what you really want then you should do it.  If it's not then maybe you shouldn't!  :-/

jatb

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Re: Whether to move in with less mustachian partner?
« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2013, 03:51:41 PM »
Thank you for everyone who has responded - I really appreciate it.  I guess I was kind of hoping that you might say it would be fine if I just did X, Y, Z, but you have pretty much all confirmed the nagging doubts I had about how it would be pretty unwise at this point. 

So, maybe not what I wanted to hear but almost certainly what I needed to hear - thank you. 

LightTripper

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Re: Whether to move in with less mustachian partner?
« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2013, 04:11:09 PM »
Hi there,

Two thoughts/questions struck me:

1) If you moved to your boyfriend's house, could you not get a job near there (given you are considering changing jobs anyway)?  You'd save the commute time and time spent travelling between the two of you, which would free up time for sports/friends/hobbies?  Is the problem mainly getting a job that would cover 23k, rather than a job per se, or is there just not suitable work near there?

2) If you did move in, do you really have to share the costs equally, given the car, playroom etc are all his choice and he is happily paying for them himself today?  Do you not think he would be happy if, for example, you rent out your house and contribute that rent to household expenses (he would still be better off and you would be together?)

Anyway, just thoughts.  Seems a shame to give up over differences in spending habits if you really like being together, although I agree it doesn't seem safe to assume he will change that much!


jnik

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Re: Whether to move in with less mustachian partner?
« Reply #9 on: February 26, 2013, 12:01:45 PM »
It seems like you would have to give up a LOT to live with him- sports, clubs, friends (?) , a lot of money and time.  I've been mulling this over all day.
Furthermore, it sounds like he'd be giving up exactly jack, and gaining some help with his bills. This sounds like a bad precedent to set when you're making a big step in a relationship.