Author Topic: When your past and consequences haunt you: cheating with a close friend's BF  (Read 7731 times)

thatbrowncat

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 46
  • Age: 27
  • Location: Davao City, Philippines
This isn't me, but a close officemate. We work in a government agency.


This is the scenario :

Giŕl A and Girl B were my previous officemates. Both girls are very close and treat eaćh other likč sisters.

Girl A is in a relationship with Guy A. Girl B is in a relationship with Guy B.

Girl A and Guy A broke up.  Guy B then made the moves on Girl A (she was his crush), and eventually something happened between them.

Guy A eventually found out and threatened Guy B (tell Girl B what happened), but they worked things between them.

At this point, girl A and guy B no longer talk to each other. However, girl A noticed that girl b treated her differently (if they were very close before, they aren't now)

Things got messy, when Guy A's ex-girlfriend knew what transpired between Girl A and Guy B. Guy A's ex-gf threatened Girl A that she would tell Girl B on what she did.

This was what prompted Girl A to call me and asked me what i would do. She is up for promotion (about to be regularized), but if she stays in the office and ex-gf carries out the threat, it will be a mess between girl a and girl b. She is even considering to leave the agency.

I warned Girl A before of the consequences of cheating with Girl B's bf, and as much as i wanted to tell Girl B of that her boyfriend was a cheat... i would be betraying the confidence Girl A gave me. I would be involving myself in a situation where it wasn't my business.

I'm caught in a dilemma now too. When girl A asked me what she should do, i told her the possible scenarios:

1. Ex-gf carries out her threat

A. Girl A tells Girl B before ex-gf can >>> high probability that their friendship will be f*ck*d.; slight possibility that girl b wilĺ forgive her
B. Girl A allows ex-gf to tell girl B>>> high probability that their frienship will be f*ck*d; very very small possibility that girl b will forgive her

2. Ex-gf shuts up
A. Girl A contacts Guy A to tell ex-gf to shut up and don't meddle >>> could work...
B. Pray for a miracle >>> this is hard... REALLY HARD... success rate is undetermined.

3. Girl A resigns from work
A. She's expressing that she's guilty
B. She won't be seeing Girl B and Guy B anymore.
C. Goodbye regular position

My mom noticed how disturbed I was and wanted me to minimize contact with her (since i have a strong tendency to be affected by other people's stories/negativities)... while i do know the consequences of her actions are none of my business, i do know how it feels when you're down and you need someone to talk to. To ask for advice. To ask for guidance.

I guess posting in this forum is also one way of unloading that burden.

What are your thoughts?

abiteveryday

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 130
  • Location: Seattle
You sound like an empathetic person, which is admirable, but my single largest takeaway from this is that you are borrowing trouble you need not be even a little bit concerned with.

snogirl

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 367
I'd stay far away from that drama.

thatbrowncat

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 46
  • Age: 27
  • Location: Davao City, Philippines
@abiteveryday: how so?

@snogirl: the question is... how to do that without offending her?

CheapskateWife

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1409
  • Location: Central TX...but considering a move
  • FIRE'd and Loving it!
This is not your circus, and these are not your monkeys....

However, since Girl A called you and asked you for advice, I would advice that honesty in this case could do more harm than good, and could cause unwarranted pain for Girl B; ammends might not be possible without causing additional pain. 

If couple B seems strong and looks to go the distance, perhaps the indiscression was just that; and Girl A needs to shoulder that burden by herself.  ExGF A is likely a psycho (seriously, who does things like this) and Girl A asking Guy A to intervene on her behalf might be appropriate.

Whatever you do, don't get roped into interceeding on anyone's behalf.  Again, think of the monkeys.


thatbrowncat

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 46
  • Age: 27
  • Location: Davao City, Philippines
This is not your circus, and these are not your monkeys....

However, since Girl A called you and asked you for advice, I would advice that honesty in this case could do more harm than good, and could cause unwarranted pain for Girl B; ammends might not be possible without causing additional pain. 

If couple B seems strong and looks to go the distance, perhaps the indiscression was just that; and Girl A needs to shoulder that burden by herself.  ExGF A is likely a psycho (seriously, who does things like this) and Girl A asking Guy A to intervene on her behalf might be appropriate.

Whatever you do, don't get roped into interceeding on anyone's behalf.  Again, think of the monkeys.

Thanks!

..and about the ex-gf being a psycho... girl A once told me their story:

1. Girl A and Guy A in a relationship
2. Guy B takes a liking at ex-gf... girl A breaks up with Guy B
3. Guy B and ex-gf become a couple.
4. Ex-gf stalks Girl A (pretends to be guy A and emails Girl A. Had girl A's facebook hacked)
5. Guy A and ex-gf breaks up ; guy a and girl A become a couple again

.... it's like my friend stole her bf from the person who stole him in the first place. This is the best thing i know why ex-gf acted like that...

AJ

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 906
  • Age: 36
  • Location: Oregon
Girl A needs to accept that her relationship with Girl B is fucked either way. If she tells, it is vanishingly unlikely Girl B will forgive her (it is possible, but don't count on it). If she doesn't tell, she will always bear that secret, and it will overshadow any possibility of a real friendship. So, just make peace with the loss of that friendship, grieve for it, and remove it as a factor in the decision.

The question Girl A should be asking is: what is the best thing I can do for Girl B? B is (presumably, based on the info presented here) the innocent one in all this. Is it better FOR HER to tell her, or to keep the secret? The #1 best thing would be for Guy B to fess up - Girl B deserves to hear it from him. Perhaps Girl A could at least let Guy B know she wants him to come clean. That puts a bit of pressure on him to do the right thing.

shotgunwilly

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 547
@snogirl: the question is... how to do that without offending her?

You don't.  I would offend her.


CheapskateWife

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1409
  • Location: Central TX...but considering a move
  • FIRE'd and Loving it!
BF B is starting to seem like he might need some STD screening...he gets around!

thatbrowncat

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 46
  • Age: 27
  • Location: Davao City, Philippines
@snogirl: the question is... how to do that without offending her?

You don't.  I would offend her.

Seems a little harsh. But i do see your point.

okits

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9051
  • Location: Canada
Wow, this seems totally not worth getting involved in, in the slightest.

But you seem to feel duty-bound to offer some kind of advice to benefit Girl A.  How about she accepts that she has done some bad things (if she's a good person, at heart, she could pledge to herself that she'll never hurt and deceive other people like that again), then she can move on with her life.  Get that promotion.  Deal with whatever fallout there is if Girl B finds out (it seems like that friendship is over anyway, so don't worry about that.  But be contrite and professional in the office; Girl B can only act on her anger in so many ways at work before HR will step in for harassment and unprofessionalism.  As for out of the office, the friendship is over, so it matters only as much as Girl A lets it matter.)

If Girl A is dumb and repeatedly doesn't take good advice (that she solicited!), feel free to avoid her.

Hey It's Me

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 715
    • Moe's Journal
This is the type of situation I might hear two people talking about where I would immediately turn and walk the other way. No thanks, no one needs that drama in their life.

Phil_Moore

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 70
  • Location: London, UK
There’s no upside to getting involved in that kind of drama, I would stay out of it as much as humanly possible.

Or alternatively invite them all to a meeting, then lock the door with them inside and run away (laughing loudly optional).

MsPeacock

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1554
  • Location: High COL
How are these people old enough to be employed? This all sounds very middle school.

Girl A should take her promotion, deal w/ whatever fallout may or may not occur w/ girl B (if I am tracking who is who in this whole story).

I would avoid all of them and the whole mess - particularly since you mention that it upsets you.


snogirl

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 367
@abiteveryday: how so?

@snogirl: the question is... how to do that without offending her?

When very close friends ask me for feedback, I am kind and honest.
The honesty part for me is most important.
I also mention, if I do not have any experience in their situation and may not be able to give feedback, ie.  I don't have kids so I do not give feedback on kids
Sometimes kindly saying you don't have any feedback is the best approach.
If that offends someone, well, that is not your problem, as long as  you are being honest.



Nannooskeeska

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 48
  • Age: 25
  • Location: Wisconsin
You sound like a very caring and empathetic person! But like other people have said, this is the kind of drama that you really don't want to get involved in if you can avoid it. I know that you're already kind of mixed up in it but I'm hoping that whatever fallout ends up occurring won't get to you. Best of luck!

Rural

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4852
Run away. This is the sort of stupid high school drama that makes getting old totally worth it.

norabird

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8200
  • Location: Brooklyn NY
Hiding cheating is not doing anyone a favor. Years from now the GF B will wish she had known. It needs to be dealt with. Actions have consequences for a reason and honesty is the best policy.

thatbrowncat

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 46
  • Age: 27
  • Location: Davao City, Philippines
How are these people old enough to be employed? This all sounds very middle school.

Girl A should take her promotion, deal w/ whatever fallout may or may not occur w/ girl B (if I am tracking who is who in this whole story).

I would avoid all of them and the whole mess - particularly since you mention that it upsets you.

Girl A - 28
Girl B-  35-39
Guy B - 28/29

I've done my part. I told girl A what i think she should do. I think it's a good thing that i was transfered to another building, despite we still meet other at the office. And she told another officemate (let's call her girl C)

Girl C accidentally discovered the situation.  So while i'm out of the scenario... girl C is like subbing for me :D

okits

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9051
  • Location: Canada
Run away. This is the sort of stupid high school drama that makes getting old totally worth it.

+1

OP, glad you can kind of extract yourself from this situation.  Enjoy your new building and (hopefully drama-free) coworkers!

sol

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8492
  • Age: 42
  • Location: Pacific Northwest
Unlike virtually all of the other advice in this thread, I would say you just lay it all out there for them.

People who cheat should have no expectation of privacy.  People who are with cheaters should be informed, and can have no expectation of privacy.  People who facilitate cheating should have no expectation of privacy.

So why try to protect them from each other?  Why stress about other people's mishaps?  I'd just tell everyone what happened, preferably all at the same time in front of each other, and then tell them to work it out or get on with their lives because you're done stressing out on their behalf.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2015, 06:33:36 PM by sol »

expectopatronum

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 225
  • Location: Texas
How are these people old enough to be employed? This all sounds very middle school.

Girl A should take her promotion, deal w/ whatever fallout may or may not occur w/ girl B (if I am tracking who is who in this whole story).

I would avoid all of them and the whole mess - particularly since you mention that it upsets you.

I ask myself this about my almost-40 y/o CEO all the time. He ended up ruining his second marriage (and also splitting up his daughter's family 3 months after she was born) by cheating with one of the few employees at the company.

She then got promoted to a "Director" position and everyone who knew about the affair (back when it was an affair...now it's just a screwed up reporting relationship) quit or was fired within two years, except for one guy whom they threw a lot of money at in order to stay. He was upset about the situation...CEO's ex-wife approached guy's wife at Christmas party and asked her if the CEO was cheating on her. Very awkward.

tl;dr: This kind of BS doesn't belong at the workplace and also, people who act like middle schoolers are very unfortunately employable. Try not to work for one of them.

thatbrowncat

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 46
  • Age: 27
  • Location: Davao City, Philippines
Well..... ex-gf carried her threat out today

. Girl B knows about the affair and is REALLY FURIOUS at Girl A.


I'd like to thank you guys for your comments. I'm not as affected as before, but i do feel sad for my offices and a little annoyed at the ex-gf (who wants revenge against girl a)

CheapskateWife

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1409
  • Location: Central TX...but considering a move
  • FIRE'd and Loving it!
Now be prepared for the demands to choose a side...

sol

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8492
  • Age: 42
  • Location: Pacific Northwest
Girl B knows about the affair and is REALLY FURIOUS at Girl A.

Really?  She's blaming girl A instead of guy B?

Somewhere on the internet there is a relevant anecdote you should review, about the required number of participants to perform a particularly well known style of Argentinean partner dancing.

Bearded Man

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1142
You should sleep with guys A and B at the same time. That will make things better.

Kidding aside, why is this any of your concern? This is in no way shape or form your problem.