Where do I begin with this?
So a few weeks ago, my in-laws just moved down closer to where we're at and literally the day after they moved in they were involved in an accident. The details of what happened are fuzzy at best. All we know is that both my in-laws (only FIL drives and he's 78 and he just had his driver's license renewed too) claim they had a green light. There was supposedly a speeding car involved which they clipped (their car on frontal damage and it looks like someone may have hit them on the driver side too somehow), but several witnesses have said or implicated that my in-laws ran a red... I mean, this doesn't dismiss the fact that the other car was likely speeding or racing but that's a separate issue. We don't know all the details but they were driving around as it was getting dark, and in a new place that they are not familiar with. It wasn't necessary for them to be out but they were insistent on going out to run errands and to get things for their place. English is not their first language, which adds another barrier and layer of complexity (which often results in my wife getting involved to translate). Case in point: while she was trying to translate between my FIL and the paramedics, firefighters and police, it just sounded like they were playing Telephone the whole time.... anyway, that's beside the point.
My concern is that his judgment is starting to become more and more questionable. We don't know if he ran the red or what but he is approaching 80 and this accident could have been a lot worse than it turned out to be (he actually is going to get a CT scan because he keeps complaining that he doesn't feel right). In the same vein, he also keeps asking/implying that he wants to drive again and ASAP, almost acting as though nothing happened (or that it wasn't as big of a deal) and that he *promises* he'll be careful... in fact, they already rented a car and have probably already put at least 60-80 miles on it. In reality, they don't *need* to drive but they do it so they can attend events and visit with friends. Understandably, they wouldn't want to break ties or part with all of that. They're in a 55+ community now (where there is both accessible and free [well, paid for as part of their HOA dues] transportation options at least for the immediate area they're in, and they are much closer to us but I think they still have their close social ties and circle of friends who are spread out across SoCa). So I think there is an adjustment period with all of this, but it's difficult because my FIL (especially) is stubborn, impatient AND impulsive.
In any case, my wife and I have been butting heads over a lot of this. I would really like it if they just conceded to not driving around, period, and/or *at least* taking a break or hiatus until he's fully cleared and waits another month or so *without* rushing or insisting that they get another car to replace the one that is now totaled. My wife on the other hand feels bad for them and wants to cater to them and help them as much as possible. She feels a bit in the middle with all of this. We're just trying to figure out the options and what would make the most sense. One thought that had come to mind was to sell them one of our cars, but that would dump the burden (for us now having to find another car) onto us. If we didn't do that though, I think we would either have to chauffeur/drive them around or help them figure out accommodations to get around, which is still a burden. I suppose the more important factor is their safety though, to which I'm certain my FIL will be stubborn about and insist that he'll be safe driving himself and my MIL around.
If we don't concede to selling our car to them, I have the feeling he's going to go out and buy something on his own which I guess we can't control and it is what it is if he does that. Maybe we just need to leave them to their own devices... the problem with that is that you know he's going to come a knockin' when something isn't right with the car or if he needs help with anything regarding it (maintenance or otherwise). So I don't think we'll be able to completely get away from the "burden" of helping them in this way, regardless.
It's a matter of scope and how much are we involved with their purchase as well as the maintenance.
If they spoke perfect English and had the street smarts to take care of things on their own, we really wouldn't care or likely even be having this conversation, but they are lacking in both of those... the thing is, I think maybe my wife and I don't give them enough credit to do things on their own - the problem is now that they're closer, and ever since the move really, they have become a lot more dependent on us to help with these logistics. But even then, my wife still has had to do A LOT for them especially along the lines of filling out paperwork or anything related to their every day logistics (medical appointments, health insurance, car insurance, homeowners insurance I think, dealing with escrow when they sold their home as well as dealing with escrow when selling their restaurant business... as a side: she has taken on an immense level of responsibility for her parents. She often laments that there really aren't many out there who can relate to her, especially at her age - her parents had her when they were older in age, like early 40s IIRC so a lot of the kinds of things that we might expect someone my age or older to deal with, she's having to deal with). My wife was just telling her mother about the shuttle they have in the community and her mom fired back with heavy resistance, telling her she'd rather just die in her unit than learn the shuttle routes... that's one example of how stubborn they are.
Even though our kids aren't of age yet, I can imagine something along the lines of this being like having irresponsible teenagers, one of whom just got their license but also has the tendency and track-record of being reckless... maybe this is good prep for us lol
Anecdotally, I vaguely recall my mom having these same/similar deliberations about my aging grandfather. He must have been in his 80s or around there when she and her siblings basically had to coerce him into no longer driving. It was a really difficult process and he was extremely stubborn about it but eventually he conceded (and was also moved into a senior care facility/nursing home around the same time). Not quite the same situation and I would say much harder on my wife as she only has one sibling and he is so far detached from remotely doing anything that involves helping my in-laws that he's basically useless/out of the picture and only staying in communication to maintain family ties (and ultimately to benefit from whatever remains of the inheritance)