Author Topic: When did you make your last friend?  (Read 2282 times)

Schaefer Light

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When did you make your last friend?
« on: October 28, 2019, 04:37:49 PM »
Making friends seems to be a skill that I've lost.  Or maybe I never really had it.  I don't know.  What I do know is that it was a lot easier to make friends when I was in school than it is now (two decades later).  With that in mind, I'd like to hear your answers to the 3 questions below.

1) When did you make your last friend?
2) Where did you meet this person?
3) How long did it take to become "friends"?

legalstache

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2019, 04:50:24 PM »
My answers:

1) When did you make your last friend?

About a year ago.

2) Where did you meet this person?

Through a running group in my town.

3) How long did it take to become "friends"?

Maybe 3-4 months. We gradually talked more as we ran together more and discovered we had additional mutual interests. That led to getting together outside the running group.

Making friends in adulthood is definitely a lot harder than in school. Maybe look for a group that interests you and try to meet people that way?

TVRodriguez

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2019, 05:05:23 PM »
How good a friend are you talking about? 

I have made friends most recently with other parents at my kids' school.  How long ago? Hard to say.  Some of them I've known for years but have only gotten closer to in ther past year.  I've also made friends at work. Again hard to put a date on it, as it can take quite a while (several years) before you feel like actual friends as opposed to friendly acquaintances.

MonkeyJenga

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2019, 05:35:20 PM »
Yesterday? Depends on your definition of friend, as I'm optimistic about new prospects. I've made quite a few new friends in the last 6 months, through meetup groups, random nights out, even a dating site. I like talking to strangers, and I try to follow up with concrete plans within a couple weeks of meeting, before both sides lose interest.

Kwill

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2019, 06:19:01 PM »
It really depends on what you mean by friend. This evening, I met a new person, had a couple first real conversations with other people that I don't know well yet, and talked more with people I'm starting to get to know. I think at least one of them may count as a friend, if not now then soon.

1) Within the past 5 hours. Or within the past six months if you want to be stricter about who really counts as a friend.

2) Church choir practice / church young adult group (new friend is in both) and other choir practice (for the acquaintances who seem promising). I've also made new friends at work during tea / lunch breaks.

3) One to three months. But friends that new aren't necessarily people I hang out with outside of the main activity where I know them. The friends that are more a part of my life are ones that I've known for at least a year.

NotJen

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2019, 06:49:30 PM »
1)  About 4 years ago.

2)  Wife of a coworker(ish) I started hanging out with socially.

3)  Not really sure how long it took - I had met her a few times over the years, but we really became friends when I broke up with my boyfriend and had more free time (or maybe that just coincided with when she moved to my town permanently).

I'm terrible at making friends, but I really only have enough bandwidth for 1 or 2 at a time, so I'm not often 'looking'.  Prior to that friendship, I met my core friend group and best local friend through a Meetup group - took a month or two to hang out enough times to solidify the friendship.

Malcat

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2019, 05:43:05 AM »
I make friends constantly, but the key is to understanding what friendship is based on.

Bonds aren't built on mutual leisure, which, unfortunately, is how most people try and develop friendships: drinks, dinners, etc. Leisure is a great way to get to know the fun side of someone, but it won't do much for developing a bond with them.

Tackling mutual challenges is bonding, which is why there seem to be so few opportunities for adult friendships, because we typically avoid each other during challenges.

So here's a few simple opportunities for making friends through shared challenges: taking classes, volunteering, team sports, meetups that involve projects/scavenger hunts/whatever.

For example, I've taken a lot of dance classes, and after 6-12 weeks of humbly stepping on each other's toes, collectively laughing and sharing mutual frustrations, we were all pretty bonded by the end despite barely speaking to one another.

Making friends really isn't hard, but making friends through casual socializing really can be.

former player

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2019, 06:00:30 AM »
3 or 4 years ago, around the village, pretty instant once we started talking to each other.

As Malkynn says, finding a mutual interest is key, and as Monkey Jenga says, following up on it quickly once you find that mutual interest is essential.  After that, if it is going to be one of those easy friendships that don't take hard work on either side (which is pretty much the definition of friendship, come to think of it) it will generate its own momentum.

Or get a dog.  (Semi-serious here: I've found that a dog is both a friend and a way of making other friends, or at the least a circle of friendly acquaintances that creates the opportunity to develop friendships.)

Kl285528

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2019, 06:26:53 AM »
I'd say about a year ago. Bass player in my band left town and we had to replace him. So, new bass player came on board about a year ago, and not only has worked out great, but is a great guy to boot! We play about 20 gigs a year, and are a pretty serious part time band, so definitely tackling mutual challenges like learning new tunes is a bonding experience. Not to mention,  we refuse to add someone to the band that is a poor fit with a challenging personality - kills the vibe. So, playing in my band has definitely led to being friends will all of the other guys (we're a 5 piece). Also, being in a rock band, you get to meet alot of other part-time musicians and talk about music and playing music. Good stuff!

mm1970

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2019, 10:36:42 AM »
I agree that it depends on what you mean by friend.  Otherwise:
basically ditto legalstache

Quote
My answers:

1) When did you make your last friend?

About a year ago.

2) Where did you meet this person?

Through a running group in my town.

3) How long did it take to become "friends"?

Maybe 3-4 months. We gradually talked more as we ran together more and discovered we had additional mutual interests. That led to getting together outside the running group.

Making friends in adulthood is definitely a lot harder than in school. Maybe look for a group that interests you and try to meet people that way?

I admit that I don't get together with other people outside the groups though.  So, maybe these are acquaintances?  To be brutally honest, I have a full time job and two kids in two different schools.  SO - I make friends at the gym or in running groups - and I see them at the gym or at the running groups, occasionally a potluck or party.  But I don't really have a social life outside of the gym/running, work, kids, and our neighborhood weekly potluck. 

So I've made a lot of new friends this way, but like coworkers, it's not to the level of "get invited to their weddings" friend.  (Whole lot of weddings the last two years.)  Maybe almost to the level of "Let me bring you dinner after you had your baby" though.

Annie101

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #10 on: October 29, 2019, 12:26:10 PM »
I’m horrible at making friends!  I have gotten more involved with the church and the elementary school pta recently to try to meet people, but so far no good new friends.  The pta group led to a baby shower invite, so I’m making progress.  My good friends were made in elementary school, college, and first job 15 years ago. 

BECABECA

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #11 on: October 29, 2019, 12:59:55 PM »
I had “make more local friends” as my New Year’s resolution, and even though I’ve still got 2 months left in the year, I’m gonna mark it down as achieved.

1. I made my last friend about a week ago. At least it was about a week ago that I’d move her from the acquaintance/teammate bucket to friend.

2. We met through playing together on a sports team that I joined in August.

3. It took 3 months: two months of weekly group hangouts and then a month of weekly get togethers outside of the group.

Joining some groups has been key for me this year, since it puts me in contact with a lot more people than I’d normally be exposed to.

BlueHouse

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #12 on: October 29, 2019, 01:21:30 PM »
I think it's much easier to make new friends when you're both in a new situation.  So take a class, or start a new group. 

I made my last new friends when I moved into my now neighborhood (or when new people move into my hood and are open to meeting me).  We were all new to the neighborhood, so everyone was open, but we hadn't really done anything.  Then I got on the neighborhood listserv and asked if anyone wanted to start a book group.  So many positive responses and now there are a few different groups from that first meeting that are very close friends.

Schaefer Light

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #13 on: October 29, 2019, 03:36:51 PM »
You all have given me some things to think about.  My definition of "friend" is someone you could call to help move a piece of furniture.  I'm not sure if women would define friendship in this way, but it makes sense to me as a male.

I agree that working together on some type of challenging activity or learning something together sounds like a good way to connect with others.  I guess I'll have to spend some time thinking about what I might actually enjoy. 

I joined a running group earlier this year, but hurt my foot and had to quit.  I also had to take a break from my favorite hobby (golf) due to an elbow injury.  The injuries have been pretty frustrating as it seems like my hobbies AND my opportunities for socializing were taken away from me.  Some of you have mentioned that you really only get together with friends during your shared activities (like group runs or fitness classes), and I just haven't been healthy enough to participate in these types of activities for the last 3 months or so.  I guess it's a good thing that I'm more of a loner than most folks.  This would really suck for someone who felt the need to constantly be around others.


Kwill

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #14 on: October 29, 2019, 04:36:28 PM »
That must be frustrating to lose your hobbies and acquaintances/friends at the same time. Are there other things you could redirect the running and golf energies toward? Swimming? Cycling? Pool? Bowling? I remember my dance teacher back in my old town saying he started dancing because a mouth injury kept him from playing trumpet for awhile. By the time I was taking his classes, he was back to playing music but was also competing in dance as well as teaching. The musicality carried over across the two activities. For myself, I find that singing and dancing fill similar parts of my life, as long as I'm still active with walking and cycling when I'm not dancing regularly.

As a woman, I wouldn't define friendship around people who would move furniture, though I get the idea. At one level, the good friends are like sisters -- the ones I would call when I'm not at all my best self but really need to talk to someone to cheer up -- people who will still be friends even if we get mad at each other for awhile or don't see each other for years because of our situations. If they were strong enough physically, they might be willing to move furniture. I don't think I've made a friend that close in years. I only have a handful of friends like that and none in my current town, where I've been living almost four years. I have friends here, just none that are such a permanent part of my life.

donblanco

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #15 on: October 29, 2019, 04:38:48 PM »
Several in the last few years. The *depth* of these friendships is debatable and comes and goes. Plus we move a lot. So far since we quit our jobs and 'retired' eight years ago we have lived in one place for no longer than two years.

The answers to your other questions are different for each friend so also hard to answer...

SwordGuy

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #16 on: October 29, 2019, 05:20:26 PM »
1) When did you make your last friend?
(a) Last July definitely.   Pretty sure this new friend will be a keeper.

(b) Last weekend is a possibility.  Not as strong an immediate bond, but they are all in town, so it will be easier to expand on the friendships.   The other person lives across country.

2) Where did you meet this person?
(a) At a conference for artists who work in the same media as I do.

(b) At a craft class I was teaching at the local community college.

3) How long did it take to become "friends"?
(a) Over the course of a week.

(b) Over two long, 8hr class days.

I don't know whether I'm lucky, or just naturally good at making friends, or just well-practiced.   I'm an Army brat and grew up moving every 3 years so if I didn't learn to make friends quickly I simply wouldn't have any.   My dad would talk to anybody in any circumstances and I just started doing the same.   

Nice people are fairly common, but nice people that I have common interests with are much less common -- because my interests aren't commonly liked by lots of folks.   So, when I find someone I like and admire, I just let them know it with deed and word.   I guess folks just realize when I truly like them.  Some return the favor, some aren't interested at all.   But if I don't make the effort I've learned that other folks aren't likely to.

I also look for simple ways I can help folks out.  If I know someone they should meet, who would be interested in what they are doing, I make the introduction.   Little things like that.   I don't ever ask for anything in return.   

I have to watch being sarcastic as hell in discussions in writing.   

I'm just as sarcastic in person but folks can tell in person that I'm not trying to be mean about it.
Anyway, it works. 

Schaefer Light

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #17 on: October 29, 2019, 05:46:18 PM »
That must be frustrating to lose your hobbies and acquaintances/friends at the same time. Are there other things you could redirect the running and golf energies toward? Swimming? Cycling? Pool? Bowling?
I've thought about swimming.  It's something I already know I enjoy.  The two things holding me back are that I'd have to join a gym and it's not really an activity where I would expect to meet anyone.  I do think it would be great from a fitness perspective, though.  I could use some exercise, and I think maybe it would help me to sleep better.

Ynari

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #18 on: October 29, 2019, 06:02:19 PM »
I went with a coworker to a podcast we both listen to last month (he knew I listened because I left a quote from it in the copy room). We are now friends and I observed pictures of his kids picking out pumpkins today. It did take a few months for it to be classified as "friendship", I think, because I don't see him much (different departments).

I also went on a walk with a group of coworkers who are doing a wellness challenge because I was willing to say yes to a walk after work. I've talked with them in the copy room and it's nice to talk to people I don't have to work with day-to-day.

I find it easier to make work-friends than home-friends, but I have made friends in our apartment building by going to monthly apartment social hours. We hang out once every week or two now.

Really, friendships are started by moments of serendipity that happen when you are in a room with other people. The copy room at work and the social hours at my apartment are two places I regularly have chances to see people who are also not opposed to meeting other people.

mm1970

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #19 on: October 30, 2019, 10:51:58 AM »
You all have given me some things to think about.  My definition of "friend" is someone you could call to help move a piece of furniture.  I'm not sure if women would define friendship in this way, but it makes sense to me as a male.

I agree that working together on some type of challenging activity or learning something together sounds like a good way to connect with others.  I guess I'll have to spend some time thinking about what I might actually enjoy. 

I joined a running group earlier this year, but hurt my foot and had to quit.  I also had to take a break from my favorite hobby (golf) due to an elbow injury.  The injuries have been pretty frustrating as it seems like my hobbies AND my opportunities for socializing were taken away from me. Some of you have mentioned that you really only get together with friends during your shared activities (like group runs or fitness classes), and I just haven't been healthy enough to participate in these types of activities for the last 3 months or so.  I guess it's a good thing that I'm more of a loner than most folks.  This would really suck for someone who felt the need to constantly be around others.

1.  I was one of the people who said that.  I fall into the "middle of the road" as far as introverted/ extroverted goes.  I need my quiet and me time, but I also like people.

2.  I don't feel the need to constantly be around others.  But here's the deal (for me).  I am female, yes.  I am an engineer.  I work with men.  I have no friends at work.  I am the only woman in my office.  The others have all left - it's been about 4-5 years since I've had a friend at work.  I don't hate my coworkers - they are fine.  Sometimes annoying (I mean, they are engineers), but they aren't my FRIENDS.   So being AT WORK, though I have an officemate and chat with coworkers occasionally - can be really isolating.  Better than working at home, but not by much.

Thus, since I don't really get positive social connections from 9 to 6 every day, I have crafted my life to get them elsewhere.  I am really into exercise - so that means running groups, weightlifting classes, swimming laps.  Sunday is my DAY to walk with my bestie, and it's non-negotiable.  There's a fun running training group I'd like to try, but it's on Sundays.  She cannot run, so it isn't happening.

Likewise, my neighborhood has a potluck every week.  I joined it 7 years ago (ish), and it is non-negotiable.  These people are the people I'd call to move a couch, take my kids to school, etc.

There were 3 weeks this fall when my husband was traveling, my running sucked because there were no groups and I had an injury, and my gym had permanently closed down.  So...I was stuck working full time and doing ALLLLL the kid stuff, running hurt, and I got no social interaction whatsoever.  I had work, and no gym time (though I did lift weights at home).  The gym with the pool was closed for maintenance for one of those weeks.  I WAS A HOT MESS. 

Quote
I've thought about swimming.  It's something I already know I enjoy.  The two things holding me back are that I'd have to join a gym and it's not really an activity where I would expect to meet anyone.  I do think it would be great from a fitness perspective, though.  I could use some exercise, and I think maybe it would help me to sleep better.

Depends on when you go.  The old guys at the gym in the morning are very friendly, and we are all kinda worried when someone disappears for weeks on end.  They go to lunch together, and look out for one another if someone has surgery, etc.  Part of this is the 15 minutes we all spend waiting for the gym to open at 5:30 am.  I don't participate as much because of my busy life. 
« Last Edit: October 30, 2019, 10:54:53 AM by mm1970 »

Schaefer Light

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #20 on: October 30, 2019, 11:16:08 AM »
There were 3 weeks this fall when my husband was traveling, my running sucked because there were no groups and I had an injury, and my gym had permanently closed down.  So...I was stuck working full time and doing ALLLLL the kid stuff, running hurt, and I got no social interaction whatsoever.  I had work, and no gym time (though I did lift weights at home).  The gym with the pool was closed for maintenance for one of those weeks.  I WAS A HOT MESS. 
What you described there has pretty much been my life for the past 3 months.  I work from home most days, I'm single, and I don't have a gym membership.  If the injuries don't go away soon, I think I will join a gym so I can have access to a pool.

BlueHouse

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #21 on: October 30, 2019, 11:30:28 AM »
  I guess I'll have to spend some time thinking about what I might actually enjoy. 

I would think going to trivia night at the local pub might be fun and inexpensive.  It's easy to reach out to people you would be interested in knowing better by asking if anyone's interested in making a team. 

Once you do that a few times, step up the "friend" part by asking if anyone is interested in a potluck game night and rotate homes weekly or monthly.

slappy

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #22 on: October 31, 2019, 06:04:04 AM »
Several weeks ago I became friends with a coworker. I would say the friendship was solidified almost immediately when she said she wanted to go see the Playing with Fire movie with me.

Linea_Norway

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #23 on: October 31, 2019, 07:01:29 AM »
In January I got a new coworker. He came to visit the office some time before he started and brought his wife along on the visit. They are both from my home country, so I chatted a bit with them in Dutch. Very soon the wife told me some personal things, and having bought all her furniture at the thrift store. She is officially unfit to work and therefore has time off. I am currently having Fridays off. So I invited her a few times to go on a hike with me on a Friday. Weirdly enough the first time, I wanted to combine it with visiting a monstrously big shopping center to buy a new pair of trousers. Because I know a shop there that sells trousers that fit me and I needed a new pair. That went very well. We were 2 women who generally hate shopping and who can only laugh at the amount of nonsense they sell in such shops. We found the trousers and afterwards went for a hike on a small island close by. We have met on a few other trips as well.

If you need a friend to help you carry a heavy thing at home... We once had a heavy table that needed to be carried and needed a third person to help. Then I just called at the door of one of the neighbors. The male neighbor wasn't home, but his wife was. And even though she was also watching her children, she offered to come and help us for a couple of minutes. Unexpected that a woman and mother does that, but very kind and effective.

Bird In Hand

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #24 on: October 31, 2019, 07:29:07 AM »
Other than my spouse, I can't think of any real friends that I've made over the last 25 years.

It might be down to differences in what people consider to be a friend.  Except for parts of HS and college where I typically had a GF and a male best friend at the same time, I've only had one "real friend" at a time throughout my life.  I've had plenty of friendly acquaintances, kids I'd sometimes hang out with, co-workers with some common outside-of-work interests we'd partake in, etc.  I just don't consider those to be friends; they are simply people who have flowed in and out of my life over time, and even if I remember some of them very fondly, I don't really miss them or wish they were still in my life.

When I see someone with a large number of close friends, or someone who regularly and effortlessly develops long-lasting friendships with strangers they meet in public, I'm fascinated.  But vive la différence!

I don't often divulge this, because people are often judgemental or feel sorry for me because they assume I must be lonely or isolated.  In reality I'm perfectly content without having friends.  If I were in prison and they put me in solitary confinement, I think I'd be just fine.  :D

garion

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #25 on: October 31, 2019, 08:08:06 AM »
Making friends as an adult can be tricky. I am lucky to meet a ton of great people through work.

Last time I made a new friend: About 4 months ago
Where I met this person: New colleague
How long it took to become friends: Honestly, not very long. 1-2 weeks? She's the type of person to make friends quickly. I tend to be more reserved but usually give in when someone wants to be my friend.


pbkmaine

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #26 on: October 31, 2019, 08:52:50 AM »
DH and I made a decision to live in an over-55 community. If one is at all extroverted, it is extremely easy to make friends here. My newest friend and I have been getting to know each other over the past month, as she has joined my mahjong group. We were nodding acquaintances for a year or so before that.

formerlydivorcedmom

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #27 on: October 31, 2019, 01:32:09 PM »
I have 6 close friends I see regularly, and I met 5 of them in the last 10 years.

1) 20+ years ago, in college - she was originally my now-ex-husband's childhood friend

2) 5 years ago, neighborhood Bunco game.  I pretended I was brave and introduced myself to the woman trying to blend into the woodwork.  We realized we had kids about the same age, so we set up a playdate for them.  It took about a year, but we turned into good friends. 

3) 2 years ago, C came over drop her daughter off to play with my kid.  She looked very sad.  I asked if she was okay, found out she was getting a divorce, and immediately told her I'd been there, it absolutely sucked but there *is* a light at the end of the tunnel, and if she ever needed someone to talk to I was happy to take her out to lunch and just let her vent. 

She took me up on the offer a few weeks later.  We discovered we are essentially the same person in different bodies.  She is now a sister of my heart.

4) 7 years ago, my best friend at work got engaged.  He told me I would love his wife, so we did a few couple things (like game nights).  She's my best friend now, and he and my husband are good friends.

5) 8 years ago, I met my current husband's two best friends.  Their wives adopted me that night. 

I like to have board game nights. Numbers 3-5 met each other and became good friends.  We're taking a girls' cruise together this summer.

--
I made a new casual friend last week.  We are members of the same FB groups and often respond to the same posts.  She messaged me to say she liked something I said.  I invited her out to lunch, and we chatted for a few hours.  I liked her, and I think we'll be the type of friends who go to lunch once every few months.   

spartana

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #28 on: October 31, 2019, 01:58:16 PM »
Most (all) of the people I have met who become friends have been thru meet up activities, hobbies, or playing a team sport. Most are more casual in that we do our activity together as a group then do some socializing together afterwards. Some evolve into casual "lets hang out and do a thing" kind of friends but over time it's easy to develop a greater bond and deep friendship with some. However as a mostly deaf/HOH person I find relationships that are activity centered to work best for me. I also am open to friendships of any gender, age or anything else so that opens up many more people I can be-friend.

I can't remember when I made a new "forever" friend though. But I'm not around much so its hard to keep friendship I've made active.
« Last Edit: October 31, 2019, 02:03:27 PM by spartana »

Schaefer Light

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Re: When did you make your last friend?
« Reply #29 on: November 01, 2019, 04:02:32 PM »
Other than my spouse, I can't think of any real friends that I've made over the last 25 years.
That's pretty much the case with me, too.  The friends I have now are the same friends I had the day I graduated from college.