Oof... money is such a sore spot when it comes to relationships. It ruins so many of them. :(
Here's my 2c: Indeed don't go for extremes like breaking up unless you truly feel like it. My guess is that you don't, because right now you're looking for ways to fix the situation without hurting him or yourself.
I suggest that the proper course is lots of honesty, lots of talking and lots of acceptance. If he is a "wonderfully caring person", he will understand and be forthcoming. Let me elaborate a bit:- Lots of honesty - you must be honest to him, but also to yourself. And that latter is quite a bit more difficult because emotions always get in the way of truly understanding oneself. I'd suggest firstly spending some time in thought to understand just what it is that you don't like about the current situation (note - situation, not him or you) and why you feel that way. Emotions are not always rational, but they are always logical. Make sure you understand yourself before going into debate. And after that:
- Lots of talking - you really must tell him everything, don't hold anything back, don't lie. Total honesty is the best policy. But be polite too. You must explain to him how you feel and what it is that you don't like, but you shouldn't offend him either. So do the explaining carefully. If he starts feeling offended, you won't get a rational, productive discussion anymore. You must tell him that, although you feel this way about the situation, you still love him very much and only want the best for him and both of you. And that you are telling him all this because you love him, not because you don't. And then you need to get him to tell his side of the story, completely honestly. Listen to it, don't interrupt, try to understand how he thinks and feels.
- Lots of acceptance - In the end, this will take lots of acceptance on both sides for this to work. You will have to accept some of his views and he will have to accept some of your views. And with "accept" I don't mean "grudgingly accept but continue to think that this is unfair", but really, really accept it as the right and best way. Hidden resentment has no place in a long-term relationship. You must both agree on the direction your future will take and must both agree on the steps to get there. If something that one of you proposes doesn't seem fair to the other, you need to talk more and find out why, and what else can be done in its place. If he says that "he deserves it", then find out why he likes those things so much and think if there is perhaps some other way he could get the same reward for less money, or maybe switch it out for something different but equally nice. Above all - remember never to start blaming each other. There are no winners in a blame game. You are both on the same side. You need to resolve the situation, not each other.
In the end, it's about getting on the same page with him about where you are and where you want to be in life. Having the same goals. If you love each other and want the best for each other, you should be able to work out something. Good luck! :)
@ Vilx-: Truly some great advice! Thanks for sharing. I am going to print your comments out and share them.
@ Moses1: Have your shared with your partner MMM's articles? Sit down and read them together.
http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2011/04/25/having-the-talk-with-a-current-or-potential-mate/http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/09/18/is-it-convenient-would-i-enjoy-it-wrong-question/http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2011/09/06/how-much-is-that-bitch-costin-ya/http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/07/22/protecting-your-money-mustache-from-spendy-friends/http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2011/04/07/meet-the-realist/I agree with sheepstache and Vilx- especially on how the two of you need to remember to work on this together to improve your situation. You are allies not enemies.
Also there are other factors to honestly examine. Honest communication is key. Ask yourself:
How has your partner responded when you share how you feel about specific situations?
Is he supportive when you share how you do not feel you two are improving?
Also are you really listening to his words as well?
What has he been sharing with you?
Does he avoid talking about what concerns you?
Has his actions been consistent with his words?
The resentment you feel is not healthy for you and the relationship. Have you shared with him exactly what are the sources of this resentment? How has he responded? Does he acknowledge your sacrifices?
Moses1, I am not sure if you need to harden your stance per se, rather, it might be good to take more time to self-reflect how you want your life ultimately to look. Calmly and honestly answer these questions, they might shine a better light.
What are your core values?
What are qualities that define you? Does he share them? If not, do you really understand why?
Are you trying to help him change? This one is key b/c if he does not want it himself, there is little you can do to help him help himself.
Can you take each other as-is? If this was it, would you be happy?
Do you want him as an equal partner who respects you and is balanced? If so, does he behave like your equal?
Can you live without him?
Please hang in there and remember either way, you are stronger than you realize and things will work out for you. Keep us posted. Cheers!