Author Topic: Wedding Blues  (Read 35564 times)

ace1224

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Re: Wedding Blues
« Reply #100 on: August 13, 2013, 07:21:41 AM »
If you want this relationship to develop in a healthy direction you need to sit down with your DS and DIL-to-be and have a frank conversation outlining what you will/will not/can/cannot do.  Something very simple and non-dramatic, but that makes the boundaries clear.  Something to the effect of

"We love you both to death and are thrilled that you are getting married.  We want to help, but we need to be responsible about our own finances to ensure that we will not be a burden to you in the future.  Given our financial situation and the possibility that one or both of us may lose our jobs or need to stop working before full retirement age, we have decided that the maximum we can contribute to your wedding costs is $X.  We understand you may have been hoping we could do more for you, but we can't.  We hope that you both will be responsible about planning this event and not plan something that is beyond your financial resources.  But ultimately the choice of how much to spend is yours.  We wanted to be very clear now about what our own limitations are financially speaking, so that you don't make plans based on unrealistic expectations of what we can give you.  There is no limit on our love for you, and we hope you feel the same."

Speaking with both of them, directly and frankly, is crucial so that you don't get into game playing situations where your DS is saying things like "well, let me see if I can talk them into giving us a little more" etc. or making promises on your behalf that you are not privy to.  You also need to cultivate a healthy communication pattern with the DIL-to-be, or she's always going to be triangulating through DS and that also gets messy.

Good luck.   

this.  this this this.  my brother made that mistake and the lines of communication got bad.  he would say to my sil that "oh they'll cover this don't worry" and then she'd pay the deposit and my parents would be all "what? what are you talking about?" and the answer would be no and then sil would be mad at them. and then my parents not knowing that my brother had promised it thought she was a brat and it was just....ugh...annoying.
i was so glad when "their special day" was over.  my parents are well off and my bro and sil kinda thought they would pay for it bc they are able...my parents are very traditional.  their pov was as the grooms parents they were responsible for the rehearsal dinner (traditionally i guess) and that they weren't going to pony up 25k for a dream wedding for someone else when they had gone to the justice of the peace

Mr.Macinstache

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Re: Wedding Blues
« Reply #101 on: August 13, 2013, 11:16:31 AM »
I think the rub is that the DIL expects the MIL to foot the bill for the wedding with no consideration that HER parents are supposed to be doing that. I would be miffed too.

Dee 72013

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Re: Wedding Blues
« Reply #102 on: August 14, 2013, 06:19:30 PM »
I think the rub is that the DIL expects the MIL to foot the bill for the wedding with no consideration that HER parents are supposed to be doing that. I would be miffed too.

That's it exactly!

olivia

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Re: Wedding Blues
« Reply #103 on: August 14, 2013, 08:27:46 PM »
I think the rub is that the DIL expects the MIL to foot the bill for the wedding with no consideration that HER parents are supposed to be doing that. I would be miffed too.

That's it exactly!

Have you communicated any of your concerns to them?  If you have continued to support your son and have not told him you don't wish to do so anymore, then honestly I don't really blame him for expecting you to cover the wedding expenses.  My parents were very up front with me and my siblings about our weddings as far back as I can remember.  We each were told that we got $5k, male or female, and we could do whatever we wanted with the $, and that was that.  So when my turn came around, I knew I was getting $5k and planned accordingly.  My MIL did give us $2500 and she and my FIL also paid for a rehearsal dinner, but that was a nice bonus. 

I'm a very direct person so I address issues with my loved ones when they crop up.  It doesn't sound like that's your style, and it's likely contributing to the issues with your son and DIL.   

I will say a $25k wedding isn't really super lavish.  Obviously it's not necessary, but once you add up food, catering, photography, dress/tux/etc., it adds up quickly.   That's about what ours cost for 120 people in Richmond, VA.  However, we were both working full time and living on our own, and paid for everything above the $7500 ourselves.   We would have paid for the entire thing if our parents weren't able or willing to give us the money.

zarfus

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Re: Wedding Blues
« Reply #104 on: August 15, 2013, 09:29:04 AM »
Here's my experience on the topic:

My wife and I had a 25k+ wedding. Neither of us wanted it (we wanted to elope), but it was important for her mom.  To keep family peace, we did it.  She made it clear what she would pay for, and we gave her 'control' to plan those things accordingly.  Everything else that was on us, we planned (and kept on a nice budget). If she didn't like something we planned, she would contribute towards that.

It may sound ridiculous to some, especially to mustachians, but it worked for us--and the peace that was kept was definitely worth it.

My parents, on the other hand, made it very clear the specific amount they would contribute.  They didn't care where it went.  Rehearsal dinner, honeymoon, dress, flowers...didn't matter. That's how much we got.  And that's how much they'll give ALL my siblings.  They just wanted to be fair.

Two different methods, peace was kept on both sides of the family.  Our relationship with either of our parents took no hit, and has since only gotten better (THIS IS THE ULTIMATE GOAL.) If a big wedding is important to your son and future-daughter, then don't stop them.  Just be honest with what you're willing to 'chip in', they can figure it out from there.

Good luck!

Rebecca Stapler

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Re: Wedding Blues
« Reply #105 on: August 15, 2013, 09:53:37 AM »
I think the rub is that the DIL expects the MIL to foot the bill for the wedding with no consideration that HER parents are supposed to be doing that. I would be miffed too.

That's it exactly!

Have you communicated any of your concerns to them?  If you have continued to support your son and have not told him you don't wish to do so anymore, then honestly I don't really blame him for expecting you to cover the wedding expenses.

+1

And what is this about the DIL should know that her parents are "supposed to" pay for her wedding? If the OP were the parent of the bride, would all this advice be "you're the parents of the bride, so you should pay for this"? Maybe her parents, like mine, have already made it clear to her what they will / will not pay for. My sister was married before I was, and when she was married my parents told me how much they contributed, and that I would get the same amount towards my wedding.

Mr.Macinstache

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Re: Wedding Blues
« Reply #106 on: August 15, 2013, 09:58:00 AM »
I am guessing the DIL's family might not have much money and you all appear like you do. There's really no nice way to sit down the DIL and tell her to ask her own parents for the money if that is the case.

I would sit them both down and say this is what you get and set that boundary.

beltim

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Re: Wedding Blues
« Reply #107 on: August 15, 2013, 10:08:31 AM »
Having just gotten married this summer, I think the original situation is totally backwards.  My wife and I planned our wedding around what we could afford to spend, and we adjusted that amount when we received some generous gifts from our parents.  But we never would have planned a wedding beyond our budget, and then expected other people to come up with the money.  In this situation it sounds like the son and/or his fiancée decided on the amount of money they were going to spend first, and now they're fundraising.  Again, this is totally backwards.