Author Topic: Wedding attendence dilema  (Read 6555 times)

M5

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 176
  • Location: Nevada
Wedding attendence dilema
« on: April 27, 2018, 10:47:35 AM »
My sister is getting married next summer and my wife and I are having a hard time deciding whether or not we should attend. Keep in mind, this is my only sibling.

The details: Her fiance is from a South American country, with family both in the US and South America. They live in the midwest near my parents and a small amount of his family. Since they would like both families to be a part of the wedding they have decided to have a destination wedding somewhere in the Carribean. This would presumably make it easier and cheaper for the South American travelers to attend.

The dilema: My sister has this ridiculous vision of weddings and believes she has to have her "dream" wedding on the beach with all the fancy decorations. This means it will be held at an all-inclusive resort in the hottest part of the summer, most likely the Dominican Republic. According to the numbers we've gotten, it will cost $1500-2000 for airfare and lodging for a 3 night stay for my wife and I. Since they must get married in the US for the license to be valid, I've tried to convince her to have a small wedding with family at home and then honeymoon to the Carribean and celebrate with his family there. This was shut down immediately, of course.

Am I the only one who thinks it's ridiculous to ask people to spend at least $750/person just to attend your wedding? Can we afford the trip? Yes, but I have zero desire to spend our hard-earned money (and vacation days) on a trip to the Carribean in the middle of July. As my parents liken not attending to betrayal, we are really struggling with this decision. Any advice is appreciated!!

I'm a red panda

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8011
  • Location: United States
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2018, 10:50:20 AM »
Doesn't sound like a dilemma. Don't go. You clearly don't want to and you will resent her for it. Support your sister in another way- throw her a shower, host a reception for local friends when she returns.

(Also- your parents may consider it horrific to skip it, but what does your sister think? Most people I know who had destination weddings don't expect others to come. They do it for themselves.)
« Last Edit: April 27, 2018, 11:10:00 AM by iowajes »

AZDude

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1298
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2018, 10:57:33 AM »
Assuming you get along well with your sister, then you have to go. Treat I as a vacation and enjoy yourself. One of those occasional splurges. That being said, when my sister got married in Hawaii, I did not attend, so I am a little hypocritical here.

therethere

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 744
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2018, 11:03:18 AM »
It depends how much 2k means to you. If it was a cousin or non-besty college friend and you were hesitating its easy to skip destination weddings due to the high costs. How close are you and your sister? I think skipping a wedding for your only sibling will likely be a non-forgivable offense. If they stay married you will never hear the end of it. Assuming I could afford it, I'd go and figure out how to reduce costs ahead of time (travel hack for plane tickets, see you can stay off-site from the all-inclusive, make it known your main "gift" is your presence, etc.) and just complain about it privately with my spouse until I could get over it. Is it worth creating family drama for unknown number of years over 1-2k? I think most destination weddings are extremely selfish but sometimes you've got to cave.


Lady SA

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 465
  • Age: 27
  • Location: Midwest
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2018, 11:03:35 AM »
Maybe since your parents are so aghast at the possibility of you not attending, you should ask them if they want to pay for you to attend, because sorry, the trip unfortunately doesn't work with your budget.

I think you kind of stepped out of line for asking her to change her plans--it is her wedding after all. But you also have the freedom to choose whether this works for you. And if you decide that amount is ridiculous, then yes, it wouldn't work for you.

And if people get upset at you not spending money that you can't (won't) allocate in your budget, then that's practically an invitation from them that they will bankroll you instead! Oh, no, they don't actually want to spend that money either so you can be there? Then they can't be too upset. Too bad.


To be fair, I have one sibling who lives in Alaska. I probably would actually pony up to go to his wedding (he is not engaged, I'm spitballing here), but that's because he wouldn't make it an ostentatious affair that required me to spend much more than I would normally for a regular trip to Alaska. I would be willing to pay for airfare (travel hacking) and maybe a cheap motel, plus a small gift (my attendance is the biggest gift, little bro!). Also, I would know about this well ahead of time and would save for it. I probably would be willing to fork over up to $1.5k to attend his wedding, but maybe not $2k. But I'm pretty close with my brother, so I'm willing to spend a bit more and it doesn't faze me as much.

edit: how far out is this wedding? The biggest expense is likely airfare and lodging, and you can travel hack to lower your costs significantly. If you have time to get the points, you would essentially be able to go to this wedding for free. You can use points on airfare, hotel, car rental, etc. My DH and I went to AK to visit my brother last year and spent ~$200 out of pocket, mostly for food. The flights, car rental were entirely free after points, and then we went camping with him which was also free/cheap. My point is, you can do things to significantly lower the cost if you have enough time/the inclination.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2018, 11:09:05 AM by Lady SA »

Miss Piggy

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1328
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2018, 11:07:36 AM »
What's the real price difference for you? How much would you be spending if they had your vision of a wedding? Probably well over $1,000 if you don't live near where the wedding would be held.

RWD

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3577
  • Location: Mississippi
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2018, 11:14:15 AM »
Maybe I'm biased because we live in a somewhat remote location where it costs my wife and I $1-2k in airfare every time we want to visit family anyway. But $1500-2000 would not be nearly enough for me to miss my only sibling's wedding. My only sibling currently lives in a large US city with an international airport and that would probably cost us $1000-$1600 in airfare if/when we attend a wedding there. A three night Caribbean trip for $1500-2000 including lodging sounds extremely reasonable to me.

charis

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1764
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2018, 11:17:13 AM »
You have your own reasons for being so bothered by your sister's wedding plans, probably, but it's her wedding (so you don't get a say how she does it) and she's actually trying to make it easier for her husband's family to attend.  If you are that bothered by the weather and the cost, don't go.   

I actually couldn't afford to attend my sister's wedding in the Caribbean years ago, plus I had a newborn with feeding issues at home.  We aren't super close, but I'm still a little bummed that I couldn't go.   You could skip it, or you could get over your annoyance, travel hack the plane tickets, find cheaper accommodations (you don't have to stay at the location of the wedding), grab a hat and some sunblock and try to have a little fun at your only sibling's wedding.  That's an option.

Noodle

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1204
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2018, 11:27:07 AM »
Honestly, it doesn't sound that ridiculous to me. It sounds to me like they are trying to find a compromise that works for a big, complicated wedding...and it's not crazy to want both sides of the family there.

I realize couples travel more cheaply (on average) than singles because they can share a room, but $750/person doesn't sound that outrageous to me. I'm pretty sure I spent that much on my brother's wedding that was held in a major city during their tourist season (because they lived there, and that was the time of year that worked for the most family members)--$350 or so for the plane ticket and then a few hundred for several nights in a hotel plus various meals, taxis, etc. And my other sibling got married in the Deep South in July, so, you know, it's survivable. If many people in the wedding are involved in, say, education, summer can be the best time to get them together.

If you don't want to go, don't. Or if you're worried about the money, go on your own and let your wife stay home. But this is a lot less outrageous than a lot of the wedding questions that get posted here.

I'm a red panda

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8011
  • Location: United States
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2018, 11:33:10 AM »
But this is a lot less outrageous than a lot of the wedding questions that get posted here.

I'll agree on that.
Just to attend a typical domestic wedding i'm looking at $400 in airfare each and maybe $125 a night in a hotel, with probably 3 nights needed- so at least $1,000 for my husband and I.  That's without food, or a rental car...

But I still think it sounds like OP is going to resent his sister over this, and that's why I say don't go. Not because it seems outrageous.

M5

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 176
  • Location: Nevada
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2018, 11:37:15 AM »
What's the real price difference for you? How much would you be spending if they had your vision of a wedding? Probably well over $1,000 if you don't live near where the wedding would be held.
Most likely around $800 for plane tickets for the two of us. Added advantage of both my parents and in-laws living close to my sister, so free place to stay and get to spend time with them.

Appreciate all the responses so far. I think while my sister would be extremely disappointed, she would eventually get over it. My parents, different story.. They still resent us for only inviting parents, grandparents, and a few of our close friends to our wedding.

Assuming I could afford it, I'd go and figure out how to reduce costs ahead of time (travel hack for plane tickets, see you can stay off-site from the all-inclusive, make it known your main "gift" is your presence, etc.)
That's the worst part - if you want to have a wedding at the resort, you must have all your guests stay at the resort and it requires a more expensive rate. We could take at least $40/night off the price if we could book separately. As far as the other travel hacks go, we use our rewards points about as fast as we aquire them, usually to fly home and visit family a couple times a year.

A three night Caribbean trip for $1500-2000 including lodging sounds extremely reasonable to me.
I completely agree with this statement. I think our biggest issue is that we don't like beaches or humid weather much, and definitely don't care for drinking anymore than 1 or 2 beers a week. Of course, this is the opposite of the reason most choose an all-inclusive resort. It may also have a little to do with my parents treating my wife pretty poorly at times and her being quite resentful of that.

It appears the general consensus is we are a making this a bigger deal than it should be.

Undecided

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1088
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #11 on: April 27, 2018, 11:38:26 AM »
Regardless of whether it could be "ridiculous to ask people to spend at least $750/person just to attend your wedding," it's hard to see it as ridiculous in the context where the couple is splitting the geographic difference between two very remote families. Maybe they should have softened you up by first insisting that it would be in South America! Maybe your future brother-in-law has a sibling who's pissed the wedding isn't going to be in South America ....

Also, although it may be simpler to have the legal marriage performed in the US, I think the DR and similar destinations have figured out that it's worth allowing foreign tourists to get legally married in the country, and charging a fee for it. I'm not sure why you presume that marriage not to be "legal." Any way, though, they likely want you at the celebration, rather than the administrative function, if a choice must be made.

In short, it's not about you, and IMHO you should consider whether your financial priorities are playing a disproportionately large role in shaping your perspective on this.

I'm a red panda

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8011
  • Location: United States
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #12 on: April 27, 2018, 11:39:28 AM »
What's the real price difference for you? How much would you be spending if they had your vision of a wedding? Probably well over $1,000 if you don't live near where the wedding would be held.
Most likely around $800 for plane tickets for the two of us. Added advantage of both my parents and in-laws living close to my sister, so free place to stay and get to spend time with them.


How about this- is she saving you money/time by not holding by the groom's family? 

slappy

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 805
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #13 on: April 27, 2018, 11:42:02 AM »
As far as the cost is concerned, can you look into travel rewards/credit card churning? It sounds like you have enough time to accrue some points that could at least help with the airfare.

wordnerd

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1159
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #14 on: April 27, 2018, 11:59:29 AM »
I'm not a fan of destination weddings, but skipping your sibling's wedding over $1-2K over the line from frugal to cheap (unless you're in serious debt). Do the normal thing and complain to other family members about the destination wedding and then go with a smile. Do you not like the groom or something? I feel like there has to be something else at play here.

Dee18

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1638
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #15 on: April 27, 2018, 12:13:45 PM »
Go to the wedding.  Do a little travel hacking to cover the airfare.  Your family knows you are well off financially and can afford this.  You have one sibling and this is the first (hopefully the only) wedding.  You and your spouse had the wedding you wanted.  Help your sister have hers.  You won't get a do-over on this, but you will have plenty of opportunities to earn another $1500.

In my early years I missed some friends' weddings because of cost.  I now regret that....and they were just friends, not family.  Consider this a present you are giving to your sister, your parents and (if you plan to have any, or do have them) your children who will not have to hear how you skipped their aunt's wedding.

marcela

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 685
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #16 on: April 27, 2018, 12:16:37 PM »
I'm with Noodle above. That doesn't sound that bad to me either. We went to a wedding last year just the next state over and it was $500 for just the hotel room for 2 nights. $1,500 for flights plus all meals and drinks and lodging sounds like a steal.
How much would you have spent for the wedding if it had been in the Midwest? Your profile says you are in nevada so it seems there would have been travel costs associated with that too. It might help you reframe things if you look at what you would have had to spend no matter what to attend your sister's wedding. You mention spending your hard earned vacation days, you would have likely had to use those too had the wedding been in the US.

I would have been devastated if my brother had chosen not to attend my wedding knowing that it was something he could afford, he just didn't think it was a priority. It would have put an immense strain on our relationship. Is your relationship with your sister (and possibly the rest of your family) worth less than $2,000 to you?

Freedom2016

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 625
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #17 on: April 27, 2018, 12:21:26 PM »
I agree that some perspective-taking might be helpful here.

i.e. it's not taking place in South America (saving you time and $)
i.e. it's not happening during peak tourist season (saving you more $)

You say you can afford it, you just don't want to. Personally, I would never get over it if one of my siblings didn't come to my wedding (that I went out of my way to make easier for them to attend) over a relatively small amount of money THAT THEY COULD AFFORD. It comes across as incredibly Scroogey.

Three years ago my family went in on a 50th anniversary Alaskan cruise with our parents. Would we have chosen that type of vacation, left to our own devices? HELL NO. Did we enjoy it? Sort of but we'll never do a cruise again. Did it set us back $$$ more than we would have liked? Yes. Are the memories we gave my parents worth it? 1000%.

the_fixer

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 567
  • Location: Colorado
  • mind on my money money on my mind
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #18 on: April 27, 2018, 12:25:34 PM »
Not your wedding, stop complaining... but it is too hot, it is too humid I do not like the beach or whatever else.

It is your sisters wedding and she gets to decide when / where / how unless you are paying for the entire wedding.

If you do not have the financial ability then do not go other than that you are just deciding that your preference is more important than attending your sisters wedding.

That is a decision you have to make and live with, for me I would have a hard time forgiving my sister if she did not attend my wedding for anything less that she could not afford to make the trip.

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk
« Last Edit: April 27, 2018, 12:27:19 PM by the_fixer »

Slee_stack

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 854
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #19 on: April 27, 2018, 12:27:04 PM »
I've skipped the majority of my sister's weddings including the first one.   I think I attended the third one.  I haven't lost any sleep yet.





englishteacheralex

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1995
  • Age: 40
  • Location: Honolulu, HI
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #20 on: April 27, 2018, 12:27:33 PM »
You have to go. It's not that much money.

For context: In my mid/late twenties, I was poor, lived in Hawaii, and was also really, really cheap. Within two years of each other, three big family events happened on the mainland, costing me a $900+ plane ticket: my dad's funeral, my brother's wedding, and my cousin's wedding.

I am ashamed to say I considered not attending every one of these three events because I didn't want to spend the money. Close friends talked me into all three. (My dad's funeral was only a fifteen minute conversation; that's the most embarrassing one.)

In hindsight every one of those events was something I now would happily pay quadruple the price to attend...honestly, my brother's wedding and my dad's funeral...the cost of those two events would have to be insanely high for me to think it would have been worth not attending.

Go to support your family. In five years, you won't miss the money, but you will definitely regret not going. I mean, unless your family has some kind of major dysfunction.

GuitarStv

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 14158
  • Age: 38
  • Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #21 on: April 27, 2018, 12:32:08 PM »
I suspect that the long term impact of not going to this wedding could well cost you much more than a couple grand in damaged relationships, stress, and opportunities.

M5

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 176
  • Location: Nevada
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #22 on: April 27, 2018, 12:36:51 PM »
I agree that some perspective-taking might be helpful here.

i.e. it's not taking place in South America (saving you time and $)
i.e. it's not happening during peak tourist season (saving you more $)

You say you can afford it, you just don't want to. Personally, I would never get over it if one of my siblings didn't come to my wedding (that I went out of my way to make easier for them to attend) over a relatively small amount of money THAT THEY COULD AFFORD. It comes across as incredibly Scroogey.

Three years ago my family went in on a 50th anniversary Alaskan cruise with our parents. Would we have chosen that type of vacation, left to our own devices? HELL NO. Did we enjoy it? Sort of but we'll never do a cruise again. Did it set us back $$$ more than we would have liked? Yes. Are the memories we gave my parents worth it? 1000%.
This is a great way of looking at it. Most of the issues reside with my wife having little desire to spend money on anything involving my side of the family. This stems solely from the treatment she's recieved from my parents. Because of the different dynamic between my parents and sister's fiance, my wife tends to resent my sister as well. Though this issue is an entirely different ordeal completely, hopefully it will shed some light on why we're even having this discussion.

In the end, all the responses here tell me we need to suck it up and enjoy ourselves as best we can. I assumed this was the case, but it's always nice to have that reassurance from others.

MommyCake

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 192
  • Location: NJ
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #23 on: April 27, 2018, 12:49:03 PM »

You say you can afford it, you just don't want to. Personally, I would never get over it if one of my siblings didn't come to my wedding (that I went out of my way to make easier for them to attend) over a relatively small amount of money THAT THEY COULD AFFORD. It comes across as incredibly Scroogey.


+1.  You can afford it. Support your sister and go.  I would never, ever, let a measly 2k come between me and my family.  And I would gladly give up all of my vacation days to spend with them.  There was a recent health scare in my family.  You never know how much time you have left with your loved ones.  Is avoiding the spending money/inconvenience really worth potentially ruining relationships and missing out on a once in a lifetime experience ? assuming she gets married only once :)

snogirl

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 367
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #24 on: April 27, 2018, 01:11:19 PM »
"Go for it now. The future is promised to no one.” — Wayne Dyer


Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk


CoffeeR

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 202
  • Location: Southwest
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #25 on: April 27, 2018, 01:15:47 PM »
Well the question is relationship vs money. Is the money saved by not going worth the damage done to the relationships (sister and parents)? No one can answer that question except you. How much damage this exactly would do depends among other things on family dynamics, history and to an extend if you care.

The thing is, if not going does lasting and deep damage to the relationship then I suspect it will not be long before you are in a similar situation again. Something is demanded / expected of you that you really do not want to give. So, maybe. this would be a good time to draw some boundaries and let the consequences fall where they may.

Personally, if I did not want to pay for some expectation and I was willing to pay the relationship price, I would simply decline stating that it is not in the budget and that I do not do debt. It may not be well received, but it may plant a seed that in the future will yield fruit.




mm1970

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6952
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #26 on: April 27, 2018, 01:23:29 PM »
Maybe I'm biased because we live in a somewhat remote location where it costs my wife and I $1-2k in airfare every time we want to visit family anyway. But $1500-2000 would not be nearly enough for me to miss my only sibling's wedding. My only sibling currently lives in a large US city with an international airport and that would probably cost us $1000-$1600 in airfare if/when we attend a wedding there. A three night Caribbean trip for $1500-2000 including lodging sounds extremely reasonable to me.

This was my first thought.

Generally, I kind of think that a destination wedding is a way of saying "we don't want you there!"  But in this case...I dunno.

Background: I got married in mid-July decades ago.
We honeymooned in the Caribbean.  It wasn't too hot, but there was a hurricane that passed thru the week before we were there.

So, my family all lives where I grew up...a rural town 2 hours from the nearest major airport.  My family is large.  Every family wedding at one of 3 Catholic churches, with a reception at one of the church halls or the fire hall.  Minimum 250 people and those are just relatives - siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins.

My spouse's family lived an 8 hour drive away from there.  He has one sister.  Four cousins.  I have more siblings than he has cousins.  He also had a grandmother in Denmark. 

So.  We got engaged and opted to get married where we met and dated and where I was living.  In the DC area.  Near 3 major international airports.

At first, my mother was disappointed.  She was very excited to plan my wedding, which would be exactly like every other wedding.  I said "stop, I am not getting married here."  She said "well, I understand that you want to get married where your friends live".  No mom, I want to get married where *I* live.  I don't want to be planning a wedding from 6.5 hours away.  Also, we wanted it to be convenient for the Danish relatives to be able to get there, not have a long flight and 2 hours drive to the middle of nowhere.

Was this a pain in the ass for my 6 siblings?  Yep.  My mother opted to pay for my brother's hotel and my sister's hotel.  One of my siblings didn't even come.  We had about 100 people, about half of my aunts and uncles came.  I didn't invite the cousins.  We had extra guests from Denmark because husband's sibling got engaged later and set her wedding date to 2 weeks before ours (and her wedding was much larger).

So, can you afford it?  If so, I'd go.  Yes maybe she's going overboard, but it also sounds like it's sort of a compromise between the 2 families.  Been there, done that, have the wedding album to prove it.

cheddarpie

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 247
  • Age: 40
  • Location: Seattle, WA
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #27 on: April 27, 2018, 01:26:06 PM »
I agree with what others have said and would just add that I recently went to a resort wedding in Mexico of an American friend to a guy from Colombia. Also not my top choice of vacation destination and it was way more than I would have "chosen" to spend on a long weekend, but it ended up being a super fun weekend and I'm really glad I went. It meant that much more to my friend that some of us made the effort to show up.

My friend pointed out that the biggest reason they decided on Mexico was due to all of the difficulty and expense her husband's Colombian family would have to go through for U.S. immigration; I don't know the details, but basically months of waiting and hundreds of dollars, even just to visit for a weekend. They didn't think it was fair to ask them to do that when there was an option in the middle that would be easy enough for both sides of the family to get to (and deliberately in a touristy area where everyone speaks Spanish and English, so all the grandparents could get around with equal ease), plus only about a third of the price for the total wedding cost for the couple.  Once she explained that, I realized that of course it made perfect sense and I was being too whiny for making it about me and my travel costs/convenience ... doh!


Trying2bFrugal

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 134
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #28 on: April 27, 2018, 02:02:48 PM »
I visit overseas a month a year. on average the travel cost me $7000 or $666/mo ~ $900/mo before taxes.
I do this every year. My parents cant visit me due to health reasons, and I cant say no for these visits every year.

Its just an mental thing, but if you got to do this one time for sis sake, and if you are getting life time memory, just go - dont think too much on money matters. If you value money, just dont.

When it comes to relationships, money is just paper. Its up to you.

PS: I had a friend who planned his wedding overseas where he originated, the wedding expense was about $50,000 excluding flight tickets for 20 of his relatives from all over world to get there (each atleast would costed $1500). But he has to do for his family sake in overseas, not for dream wedding or beach thing. Beach wedding or dramatic things are just plain stupid, but when it comes to few things in life few people prefer to be stupid and no logic will ever be applied there.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2018, 02:08:17 PM by Trying2bFrugal »

neil

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 215
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #29 on: April 27, 2018, 02:08:51 PM »
I don't think any particular scenario requires mandatory attendance, but marriages and funerals for key family members is something where lack of attendance risks being labeled the black sheep of the family and you have to be willing to accept that consequence. 

I live far from my family also, and we are on pretty good terms, but I simply don't speak to them much as it is.  Families are getting more separated over time and I can see as a parent that a big event like this may be one of the "few" times remaining in a life that you have your family back together.  This is probably a reason why your parents would be upset, and I wouldn't discount that your sister won't be permanently upset about it if she was at your wedding.  Doesn't really matter if you chose a more convenient option.  I live far from my family and are on good terms with just about everyone and I rarely talk to anyone.  It wouldn't take much at this point to sever any of my childhood relationships.

If you place me in a situation where my financial life is compromised, I'll take the consequences.  But it sounds like this is in the ballpark of "ugh".  I'd rather try to look on this as a one time thing (if she gets married again, she's on her own) and hold the line on any kind of financial outpatient support given that she seems not to support your financial values. 

Personally, I assume my two brothers are getting married at some point and I will probably give them a pass unless they flip out entirely.  So I guess my FIRE number is 25x plus two weddings.  Doesn't really impact much when I look at it that way.

bacchi

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4001
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #30 on: April 27, 2018, 02:26:29 PM »
Each of you can get a Chase United, or Barclays AA, or Amex Delta card.

--> Airfare is covered (and maybe in style, considering it's closer than Europe/SA).

(Encourage your parents to do this too. They'll probably ignore you but you never know.)

Then get a Venture One card.

--> Half of the lodging should be covered.


Fewer costs and everyone, but the issuing bank, is happy.

simonsez

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 804
  • Age: 33
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #31 on: April 27, 2018, 03:21:53 PM »
If it's your sister's first weddding and you are personally on good terms with your sibling, then yeah, I'd do it.

Aside from that, it sounds like some communication or burying of the hatchet involving you, spouse, and/or parents might make the looming Caribbean affair a pleasant vacation to look forward to.  Events like this don't happen too often in life, they should be celebrated and enjoyed rather than have resentment play a role.

Noodle

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1204
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #32 on: April 27, 2018, 03:34:39 PM »
I agree with what others have said and would just add that I recently went to a resort wedding in Mexico of an American friend to a guy from Colombia. Also not my top choice of vacation destination and it was way more than I would have "chosen" to spend on a long weekend, but it ended up being a super fun weekend and I'm really glad I went. It meant that much more to my friend that some of us made the effort to show up.

My friend pointed out that the biggest reason they decided on Mexico was due to all of the difficulty and expense her husband's Colombian family would have to go through for U.S. immigration; I don't know the details, but basically months of waiting and hundreds of dollars, even just to visit for a weekend. They didn't think it was fair to ask them to do that when there was an option in the middle that would be easy enough for both sides of the family to get to (and deliberately in a touristy area where everyone speaks Spanish and English, so all the grandparents could get around with equal ease), plus only about a third of the price for the total wedding cost for the couple.  Once she explained that, I realized that of course it made perfect sense and I was being too whiny for making it about me and my travel costs/convenience ... doh!

I thought about this too. Depending on where the groom's family is coming from, they may know or believe that entry into the United States would be a major hassle that would be avoided with a wedding elsewhere.

patchyfacialhair

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1116
  • Age: 30
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #33 on: April 27, 2018, 03:43:20 PM »
2 things: $2000, while expensive for 3 nights, is not horrible for a Caribbean vacation (if you see it as such).

Hack the flight and it is even more attainable.

Only reason not to go: you disagree with destination weddings on principle. That's a valid viewpoint, just ask yourself if it's worth it enough to you to stick to your principles and not attend this event.

use2betrix

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1805
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #34 on: April 27, 2018, 03:49:29 PM »
Don’t go then? Only you know the kind of relationship you have with them and their value of importance of you attending. It may hurt them immensely, but that might be worth the $2000 to you it sounds.

Since you seem to have no sense of enjoyment of the whole trip, I absolutely wouldn’t bring your spouse as that’s half the cost and I’m sure they’d get over that much easier.

Undecided

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1088
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #35 on: April 27, 2018, 03:56:01 PM »
Only reason not to go: you disagree with destination weddings on principle. That's a valid viewpoint, just ask yourself if it's worth it enough to you to stick to your principles and not attend this event.

But if they had the wedding in South America, near the groom's family, this wouldn't be a reason?

NV Teacher

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 491
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #36 on: April 27, 2018, 04:24:21 PM »
5 - 10 - 15 years from now do you want to think "I'm sure glad I went to sister's wedding" or do you want to think "I'm sure glad I missed her wedding and saved some money."   I always try to put people first and money second.

TheWifeHalf

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 496
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #37 on: April 27, 2018, 05:37:53 PM »
My daughter is getting married in August, on some island of some state down south. I think the man she is marrying is perfect for her, I've met and like his family.
Last year she said they were going to get married at a zoo aquarium, in the southern part of the state, we are in the north, and I was all set to attend. How cool, and perfect for a girl that spent her childhood summers at classes in our local zoo. She and her fiancee are very science oriented

A few months ago, plans had changed to an island by some southern state.
I am not attending, but I think my husband might.
Keep in mind, my brain injury affected my ability to organize. I have 4 basenjis, that played a large part of my daughter's upbringing. There is NO ONE to take care of them at home, so we would have to board them at our vet's. I have no problem with leaving them their, and no problem paying $30/ day/ per dog. I do not give  all the vaccines they would be required to have to stay.

Some of these vaccines require an initial vaccine, followed by another a few weeks later to be effective. I also will not give more than one at a time, in fact the effect on an older dog's (15,14,13, 12) body is why I don't give them.
I do not drive, so my husband would have to do the driving to get vaccines, on his day off.  I have 2 basenjis who will fight the other 2, so we have to take them separately, the truck can only fit 2 at a time anyways.
I just do not have the brain power required to organize all this, make appointments, keep track of who has what, and what is needed next.

In her case, she and her fiancee are not expecting anyone to come, they are doing this for THEM.  I suspect they will do as our youngest son did, a small reception here, where most of the family is.

So, I say don't go if you feel you have good reasons.

ender

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4939
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #38 on: April 27, 2018, 08:51:58 PM »
From your journal:

We absolutely love the area and all the things we get to do, but tend to miss family back home quite a bit. This hits my wife hardest as she had never lived more than 50 miles from her family before. Since I love farming I would help FIL every chance I got. This is my true passion. I miss having this opportunity quite a bit. It was great bonding time with FIL and I've always loved agriculture and operating big machinery. Hopefully all of this gets better with time. On the bright side I get 30 days of vacation a year so we should have plenty of opportunites to visit!


You moved away from family (but explicitly say you miss it) and get 6 full weeks of vacation and still find taking a day or two vacation to be problematic for your sister's wedding?

You also spent $5k on a pair mountain bikes recently according to your journal (!) so I'm not even sure you can say you are frugal either. The idea of spending $5k+ on mountain bikes and then being unwilling to spend 30-40% of that on a wedding for your sister while simultaneously saying you miss being close to family seems... like mismatched priorities.

This doesn't read like "I'm mustachian in all my areas of life and am expected to do something outrageous for my family" -- it reads like, "I like spending extravagantly on myself and my sister's wedding means I can't buy a bunch of shit this month that I need want."

11ducks

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 566
  • Location: Duckville, Australia
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #39 on: April 28, 2018, 06:21:29 AM »
Compromise- save 50% by only you going to the wedding. Wife isn't super keen anyway, so tell everyone that she couldn't get off work/got food poisoning, and just go on your own?

Mezzie

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 818
    • Mezzie Learns
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #40 on: April 28, 2018, 06:42:24 AM »
Two of my cousins had destination weddings. I wasn't able to attend either: the first because of money (I'd just finished college) and the second because of timing. There were no hard feelings.

Everyone else in my family and in-laws' family who has married someone with family out of state or country has simply had two weddings: one here, one there. Family chips in to help the new couple's travel costs. Yes, it would be great to have everyone in one place, but especially with big families, it puts a large burden on the guests thst is unfair.

I think people who have destination weddings should accept that a much smaller number of people will attend.

That said, I wouldn't miss a sibling's wedding for the world no matter the circumstances. Your position on that depends entirely on your relationship with your sister.

ReadySetMillionaire

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1169
  • Location: The Buckeye State
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #41 on: April 28, 2018, 09:39:45 AM »
Two things OP:

(1) This is not your wedding. Stop complaining about how you’d do things differently. It’s not your wedding. Say that 50 times.

(2) This is not a destination wedding. My wife and I are both from Ohio, and it would have been a destination wedding if we got married in Florida. Your sister is marrying a man from South America. They are splitting the commuting difference for everyone. This would be like a couple from opposite coasts getting married in Chicago or St. Louis or something.

Seriously OP, you’re majorly overthinking this. Get an airfare credit card, fly for free, and have a blast. I did that for a wedding in Montana last year, am doing it for a wedding in South Carolina this year, and am in the early stages for doing it for a California wedding next year.

One last thing: stop “suggesting” major things. It’s not your wedding. It’s not your wedding. It’s not your wedding.
« Last Edit: April 28, 2018, 09:41:56 AM by ReadySetMillionaire »

SoftwareGoddess

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 123
  • Location: Canada
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #42 on: April 28, 2018, 10:47:19 AM »
OP has mentioned 2 or 3 times that his wife feels that she is not treated well by his parents, and that that is part of why this question even arises.

OP, would it be an option for you to attend and your wife to stay at home? Your parents might object, but it sounds as though there may be issues between them and your wife even if she attends. Putting myself in your wife's place, I certainly would not want to spend money to travel a longish distance for a few days to hang around with people who treat me poorly.

the_fixer

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 567
  • Location: Colorado
  • mind on my money money on my mind
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #43 on: April 28, 2018, 11:04:31 AM »
Or you could look at it as a way to build / repair the relationship with the family.

If the wife does not go it will just be one more reason for them to not like her further driving a wedge between them.

As someone who married someone that's in-laws have never liked me I always take the highroad, smile, attend holidays and try to be cordial because in the end it only hurts my wife and pulls her in different directions.

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk


Missy B

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 202
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #44 on: April 28, 2018, 11:39:08 AM »
OP has mentioned 2 or 3 times that his wife feels that she is not treated well by his parents, and that that is part of why this question even arises.

OP, would it be an option for you to attend and your wife to stay at home? Your parents might object, but it sounds as though there may be issues between them and your wife even if she attends. Putting myself in your wife's place, I certainly would not want to spend money to travel a longish distance for a few days to hang around with people who treat me poorly.
You know that this will probably result in the relp between parents and wife degrading even further, right? Probably better if they go together or not at all.
Maybe the OP has already had a conversation with his parents about their behavior, maybe he hasn't. But if they aren't impervious to reason, hopefully at some point they can be persuaded that their daughter-in-law is putting in an effort, and they should extend her more grace.

Everybody's situations are different, but I'm going to guess that:
a) there is a personality difference with the OP's wife and the parents where they don't quite click, not anyone's fault
b) the OP's parents blame his wife more than they blame the OP (Cause he is their own son) for decisions OP and his wife made as a couple, that his parents don't like
c)that the OP's parents have expectation that others do what they want, probably because the parents believe want they want is 'the right thing'.

M5

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 176
  • Location: Nevada
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #45 on: April 29, 2018, 05:06:35 PM »
OP has mentioned 2 or 3 times that his wife feels that she is not treated well by his parents, and that that is part of why this question even arises.

OP, would it be an option for you to attend and your wife to stay at home? Your parents might object, but it sounds as though there may be issues between them and your wife even if she attends. Putting myself in your wife's place, I certainly would not want to spend money to travel a longish distance for a few days to hang around with people who treat me poorly.
You know that this will probably result in the relp between parents and wife degrading even further, right? Probably better if they go together or not at all.
Maybe the OP has already had a conversation with his parents about their behavior, maybe he hasn't. But if they aren't impervious to reason, hopefully at some point they can be persuaded that their daughter-in-law is putting in an effort, and they should extend her more grace.

Everybody's situations are different, but I'm going to guess that:
a) there is a personality difference with the OP's wife and the parents where they don't quite click, not anyone's fault
b) the OP's parents blame his wife more than they blame the OP (Cause he is their own son) for decisions OP and his wife made as a couple, that his parents don't like
c)that the OP's parents have expectation that others do what they want, probably because the parents believe want they want is 'the right thing'.
You are absolutely correct with all of this. And yes, going alone would only make the tension between everyone worse.

former player

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4675
  • Location: Avalon
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #46 on: April 29, 2018, 05:40:03 PM »
Being pracmatic, OP's sister is probably going to be around for two or three decades more than OP's parents, and on that basis that is probably now the more important relationship.

OP: please don't let the difficulties between your wife and your parents interfere with your and your wife's relationship with your sister.

iris lily

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3354
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #47 on: April 29, 2018, 06:49:00 PM »
Doesn't sound like a dilemma. Don't go. You clearly don't want to and you will resent her for it. Support your sister in another way- throw her a shower, host a reception for local friends when she returns.

(Also- your parents may consider it horrific to skip it, but what does your sister think? Most people I know who had destination weddings don't expect others to come. They do it for themselves.)
hahaha, you are in the minority. Already, this poster is getting grief about skipping the wedding of his only sibling. I can pretty much guarantee that Sis who wants The Big White Wedding expects all immediate family to witness the show.


Dragonswan

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 358
  • Location: Between realms
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #48 on: April 30, 2018, 07:37:17 AM »
Okay, now that I've calmed down and stop spitting fire.....
GO to the wedding.  Smile and dance at the reception.  This is about your sister, not you.  You will regret it under the best of futures, more so if something awful should happen. 

Now for the story to drive it home.  Many years ago my cousin, like  sister to me, had a destination wedding to Vegas.  At the time I was beyond broke because my contract ended earlier than planned and the replacement I had lined up fell through.  So I worked at a telemarketing job to save up enough money to go.  I don't care if she had wanted to have it in Kathmandu I would have gone.  I loved her and it was my privilege to be a part of her wedding.  And this was how I felt before we found out she had cancer.  Six years later she was dead.  I was even happier then that I had gone to support and celebrate one of the happiest days of what remained of her life. 

I'm a red panda

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8011
  • Location: United States
Re: Wedding attendence dilema
« Reply #49 on: April 30, 2018, 08:07:40 AM »
Doesn't sound like a dilemma. Don't go. You clearly don't want to and you will resent her for it. Support your sister in another way- throw her a shower, host a reception for local friends when she returns.

(Also- your parents may consider it horrific to skip it, but what does your sister think? Most people I know who had destination weddings don't expect others to come. They do it for themselves.)
hahaha, you are in the minority. Already, this poster is getting grief about skipping the wedding of his only sibling. I can pretty much guarantee that Sis who wants The Big White Wedding expects all immediate family to witness the show.

If this was me- I'd go.  But wedding invitations, even of family members, are not summons.  Based on the information provided, I don't think the OP should go- he's already mad about it. I wouldn't want someone at my wedding who is pissed off at my plans.

I think the sister is one of the few cases I've heard where a destination wedding makes sense.  As someone brought up, with visa issues, it is likely that many of her to-be husband's family members could not attend in the US, and it likely would be very expensive for them to be able to. A 'neutral' site makes a lot of sense.