Author Topic: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances  (Read 9169 times)

EconDiva

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Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« on: June 03, 2015, 08:54:27 AM »
I've posted here about my mom before but I guess this is just a general request for opinions as well as a little bit of a vent.

I have a personal trip (vacation for a friend's birthday) coming up tomorrow.  I got a text from my mom yesterday requesting if I could help with gas money.  It literally had me up all night.

The reason is because I fear she's finally, officially out of money now.  I knew this day would happen but never knew how to prepare for it as I'm not in a situation to take care of her.  I'm 35, she's 55.  Her father (my grandpa) pass 1 year ago.  She told me a few days before the funeral that her house was being foreclosed on.  My grandfather had left her $25k but estate hasn't 'cleared' yet so she hasn't received it, although my aunt (executor) did give her $5k of it last year (basically fronted her part of the money in advance).

My mom hasn't worked in 2 years and I have no clue if she's looking.  Yesterday I texted her about a job fair where they were hiring on the spot and she rushed to get there but didn't make it in time.  Was really disappointed about it, but the fact she went told me she must be out of money.  Along with the fact she asked if I could help her out with the gas money there/back.  (I don't even live in the same state as her by the way).

Anyways, there is a lot going on with her (no running water, a little hoarding, depression/anxiety/isolation issues, etc.).  Last year when my grandpa passed and I tried to talk to her about how best to handle the money she'd be getting she shut me down about it.  I'd been so upset because I had paid her utilities for months last year and felt she should hear me out.  But realized it was a stressful time as well.  Anywho, she hasn't brought anything up to me so I've stopped asking her questions about the house and her finances since then.  She recently texted me saying she has no 'snap card' anymore (food stamps).  Yesterday stated she 'was broke'.  I think she actually is now.  And broke for her doesn't mean $100 in the bank...it likely means nothing. 

I guess I'm kinda venting because here I am about to go on a vacation and it doesn't make sense to do so knowing the situation my mom is in.  So now I'm guilt tripping myself.  She asked for $100-$500 yesterday as a 'loan' but with no job that would be more like a 'donation'.  I'm frustrated she won't talk about anything with me but yet when the sh*t hits the fan she knows it's going to be me she comes to.  I literally have no clue if she had been looking for a job prior as when I used to ask she'd reply that 'it's in God's will whether she get one' instead of saying 'yes, I've been looking hard.'

Sigh.  I guess I'd just like to hear from others how much involvement would you get into a parent's finances in such a situation?  Do I need to do an 'about face' and try to get as much info from her and take everything over?  Do I only help when asked?  Do I not send money at all since she pretty much chooses not to talk to me about anything?

Edited to add:  In regards to the house, I'm guessing she used the $5k mentioned above to pay it off since she's still in the house and told me last year foreclosure proceedings had started late 2013. 
« Last Edit: June 03, 2015, 09:08:14 AM by EconDiva »

EconDiva

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2015, 09:15:11 AM »
2 examples of why I'm frustrated:

Example 1:  I flew to Atlanta last month for a friend's graduation and paid for my mom to meet me there for the weekend since it was Mothers' Day and I hadn't seen her in months.  I paid for every.single.thing, because heck, it was Mothers Day.  I gave her a total of $100 while we were there ($20 here, $20 there).  She spent every.single.penny of it on 'church clothes she needed' in thrift stores. 

Example 2:  One time I went home last year we went to church together and she wanted to stop by a fast food restaurant to grab a quick breakfast on the way.  I had given her a little money (I don't recall, maybe $20) the day before.  When we went through the drive through she tipped the cashier $2.  I had literally been paying her phone, electric bill, etc. for months at that time and was heated to see her give money away like that.  Her response was that the Lord says if you give and bless others, then you'll be blessed. 

Just 2 of way too many examples that make me feel torn between helping her and telling her I just.can't. 

Chrissy

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2015, 09:45:39 AM »

...I am about to go on a vacation and it doesn't make sense to do so knowing the situation my mom is in.

The vacation makes sense, but the sentence does not.  It's like me saying, "It doesn't make sense for me to keep my job knowing my boyfriend eats ice cream."  One has nothing to do with another.  You make good choices, you work hard, you get to go on vacation, as do all the other people who make good decisions and work hard.  Do not feel guilty about reaping a reward you earned!

I guess I'd just like to hear from others how much involvement would you get into a parent's finances in such a situation? 

I know my parents' finances, because they volunteered that information "just in case," but I have no involvement.  They are in their 70s, and have always made excellent decisions.  When they want me to be more involved they will ask, and I will do it, because they are rational, kind people that I can work with.

Do I need to do an 'about face' and try to get as much info from her and take everything over?  Do I only help when asked?  Do I not send money at all since she pretty much chooses not to talk to me about anything?

You can't control anything in her life unless she lets you, and she won't cough up the information, so you don't actually have a choice there.  Giving her cash doesn't obligate her to listen to your advice, or acquiesce to your demands.  From what you describe, she doesn't want help, she just wants a handout.  Sending her one will not change her behavior or her long-term circumstances.  NOT sending one won't change her behavior or her long-term circumstances, either, so make the choice that gives YOU the most peace.

If you choose to give her occasional hand-outs or a regular maintenance amount, I'd suggest putting the money on gas station or grocery gift cards or, when she asks for money, tell her you're happy to send her any THING she needs:  sheets, towels, trash bags, cleaning supplies...  Amazon is your friend.

In 7 years, she can collect Social Security, so that should help.

norabird

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2015, 09:56:36 AM »
Quote
If you choose to give her occasional hand-outs or a regular maintenance amount, I'd suggest putting the money on gas station or grocery gift cards or, when she asks for money, tell her you're happy to send her any THING she needs:  sheets, towels, trash bags, cleaning supplies...  Amazon is your friend.

In 7 years, she can collect Social Security, so that should help.

The cards/Amazon suggestion is a good idea. However, ideally she should get a job that she can work at past SS age, because it sounds like she has no savings and waiting to take SS will help increase her eventual fixed monthly payments. Obviously she doesn't think long term and will want the lower amount of money sooner, but working longer and deferring will be more in her long term interests. Just curious, is she on medicaid? Is she still getting SNAP but just couldn't budget that one month for the money to last? Does she use food pantries to help stretch her grocery budget?

greenmimama

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2015, 10:08:11 AM »
She sounds like a great candidate to benefit from Dave Ramsey, he has a radio show she could listen to for free, since we are not talking about how to invest, and she would enjoy his spiritual side.

I'm sorry, this is a hard place to be in, my SIL has always been up against this with her mom and they can't win, they once rented a nice apartment for her for about a year and all they got from the family was grief because it wasn't close enough to them (basically to use her as a free babysitter) but I digress, money and family are tricky. That is why I suggest maybe letting a stranger like DR give her advice.

Maybe you can set a small amount of money aside monthly as your "help mom out fund" so when she asks, you have it right there, if you want to help her out financially.

RunHappy

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2015, 10:25:49 AM »
I don't know if I have the same problem or not.  I know my father has a certain amount of money saved in their IRAs and his pension so they are most likely fine. Although when I ask him about it all I get is "we're covered.  kids don't need to worry about their parents".  He also said something very similar while in ICU after a stroke so my father is the master of the understatement.

I agree with others in that if you choose to give her money give her money for specific things or pay for them yourself. Take her a bag of groceries, pay her electric bill, etc.

If your mother loses her house where will she live?  Does she expect to live with you?

Edit:  If she asks for money maybe you could make it contingent upon her getting financial counseling or a job?  Not sure if this works for parents.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2015, 10:28:47 AM by RunHappy »

EconDiva

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2015, 10:47:35 AM »
Quote
If you choose to give her occasional hand-outs or a regular maintenance amount, I'd suggest putting the money on gas station or grocery gift cards or, when she asks for money, tell her you're happy to send her any THING she needs:  sheets, towels, trash bags, cleaning supplies...  Amazon is your friend.

In 7 years, she can collect Social Security, so that should help.

The cards/Amazon suggestion is a good idea. However, ideally she should get a job that she can work at past SS age, because it sounds like she has no savings and waiting to take SS will help increase her eventual fixed monthly payments. Obviously she doesn't think long term and will want the lower amount of money sooner, but working longer and deferring will be more in her long term interests. Just curious, is she on medicaid? Is she still getting SNAP but just couldn't budget that one month for the money to last? Does she use food pantries to help stretch her grocery budget?

She doesn't have Medicaid.  She believes in 'prayer over doctors' by the way...meaning...she doesn't go to doctors (I guess if it was an emergency she'd have to.)  So, no health insurance.  Or life insurance.

She doesn't get SNAP anymore...that's all she told me about that. 

EconDiva

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2015, 10:50:07 AM »
She sounds like a great candidate to benefit from Dave Ramsey, he has a radio show she could listen to for free, since we are not talking about how to invest, and she would enjoy his spiritual side.

I'm sorry, this is a hard place to be in, my SIL has always been up against this with her mom and they can't win, they once rented a nice apartment for her for about a year and all they got from the family was grief because it wasn't close enough to them (basically to use her as a free babysitter) but I digress, money and family are tricky. That is why I suggest maybe letting a stranger like DR give her advice.

Maybe you can set a small amount of money aside monthly as your "help mom out fund" so when she asks, you have it right there, if you want to help her out financially.

Only problem is she needs an income to do anything Dave Ramsey suggests...she'd probably listen and that's it.  She is not the type of person to plan much.  She's been through trauma and pretty much doesn't believe she can affect positive change in any way in life.

norabird

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #8 on: June 03, 2015, 11:43:21 AM »
Can you get her to enroll in Medicaid? I would be very concerned about a health emergency creating a big, big problem. Unfortunately you can't make her change, but the risks in living the way she does are just huge.

EconDiva

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2015, 11:45:59 AM »
Can you get her to enroll in Medicaid? I would be very concerned about a health emergency creating a big, big problem. Unfortunately you can't make her change, but the risks in living the way she does are just huge.

No clue; its unlikely she'll enroll but maybe she will.  She's so unpredictable.  Maybe she already has it?  If she does, she wouldn't tell me if I asked.

RunHappy

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2015, 11:49:40 AM »
It sounds like she hasn't given you a lot of information which increases your worry.  What has she asked you for?

EconDiva

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #11 on: June 03, 2015, 12:00:54 PM »
It sounds like she hasn't given you a lot of information which increases your worry.  What has she asked you for?

Money

Sibley

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #12 on: June 03, 2015, 12:04:25 PM »
You don't mention other family, so I'm assuming you're on your own with this.

The phrase "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink" applies here. You can encourage her to get a job. You can encourage her to apply for assistance or Medicaid. You can encourage her to budget. You can help her to do things that she's willing to do. But you can't force her to do anything.

You are not responsible for her problems, and you do not need to feel guilty about anything. If you decide to assist her, then do so in such a way that the basic necessities are provided for - don't give her cash, ever. If she complains, tell her that you don't have the money (which is true, it's not in your budget and you've chosen not to adjust your budget).

Good luck.

RunHappy

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #13 on: June 03, 2015, 12:07:16 PM »
It sounds like she hasn't given you a lot of information which increases your worry.  What has she asked you for?

Money

you've tried to help her in many ways, there is only so much you can do.  If she is not willing to get work or share details of her dire financial situation you can't be expected to just write a check whenever she wants. 

charis

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #14 on: June 03, 2015, 12:11:26 PM »
When she asks you for the money, respond that you will give it to her after she explains her financial situation to you (cash, public assistance, Medicaid, what have you).  It sounds like she is fairly motivated to find a job since she rushed off to the job fair, so that's a positive. 

EconDiva

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #15 on: June 03, 2015, 12:42:32 PM »
My text message to her just now:

How is the job hunting going?  Have you considered babysitting?  There is a website called Care.com you can sign up for babysitting/petsitting/nanny gigs.  You may want to look into it.  Also maybe consider selling some of ***'s stuff (my brother who has unused furniture stored in her house he doesn't want anymore).  If you're about to be broke it's time to get creative.  Any job openings at your church?  Any places that might buy clothes/shoes close to you?  If you send me your current resume I'll take a look at it and edit it and send it out to a few places.  In the meantime if you really need something don't wait til you are as close to broke to ask for help.

Her response:

Like I said:  I will continue to pray about it.  The LORD knows what's best.  He will lead, guide and direct me as 2 where I shud go, and wat I should do.  Ive come this far by faith and He's never failed me.  I know the Bible says, "...faith w/o works is dead", but this is the month I wanted 2 b bak 2 work, and today's the 3rd so I shud hurry up and take the 1st job that's offered 2 me.  I don't have a problem w/that, 4 every "-" there's a "+" and 4 every problem there's a solution.Im anxious 2 go bak 2 work and I cant afford 2 b choosy, but I don't wanna go backwards either.  I also don't think I'm too good 2 work @ McDonald's but I wudnt feel very comfortable there 4 very long.  Bleeve me, I didn't plan 2 b unemployed 4 close 2 25 months.  Im sure I shud b able 2 take care of 1 person if I did the best I cud w/little & no "financial support" 4 2.  The LORD will provide as long as I "Trust God". 

I then asked how many jobs she applies to last month and the response was:

"Calm down, no worries.  Enjoy ur vacation, uve worked hard ur 2 blessed 2 b stressed."

norabird

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #16 on: June 03, 2015, 12:52:15 PM »
Well, at least she says she'll take the next job offered. Do your best to take her advice and not borrow trouble about this. And certainly think about what financial boundaries you want to install when/if she asks for money.

EconDiva

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #17 on: June 03, 2015, 12:53:23 PM »
Well, at least she says she'll take the next job offered. Do your best to take her advice and not borrow trouble about this. And certainly think about what financial boundaries you want to install when/if she asks for money.

I'm sorry-what do you mean by 'borrow trouble'?  Just leave the topic alone for now?

norabird

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #18 on: June 03, 2015, 12:58:38 PM »
Yes, exactly--at least for your vacation. When you get back you may want to dig into the best way to handle this, but try not to let it impede on your trip.

former player

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #19 on: June 03, 2015, 01:03:39 PM »
Perhaps your mother would do well to go to her church/pastor and talk to them about her circumstances - they may have suggestions/connections/work to offer.

You seem to have been in the habit of passing your mother money on an irregular basis ($20 here and there, and then some larger amounts) that you then don't know what she has done with (or seen her spend it in ways you do not agree with).  It's a bad habit on your part that won't help her to improve her own bad habits.

Yes, "don't borrow trouble" means don't treat potential future problems as though they've already happened.

I hope you enjoy your holiday.

Redstone5

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #20 on: June 03, 2015, 01:48:18 PM »
You don't mention other family, so I'm assuming you're on your own with this.

The phrase "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink" applies here. You can encourage her to get a job. You can encourage her to apply for assistance or Medicaid. You can encourage her to budget. You can help her to do things that she's willing to do. But you can't force her to do anything.

You are not responsible for her problems, and you do not need to feel guilty about anything. If you decide to assist her, then do so in such a way that the basic necessities are provided for - don't give her cash, ever. If she complains, tell her that you don't have the money (which is true, it's not in your budget and you've chosen not to adjust your budget).

Good luck.

I think this is great advice. I'm so sorry for your situation with your Mom. That sounds hard to deal with, especially as it sounds like it might be complicated by mental illness and trying to help a loved one with depression etc can be an uphill battle. Do what you can but don't sacrifice your own emotional health or financial security as it will never be enough. They have to want to make things better for themselves. I have a similar situation with a family member.

mozar

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #21 on: June 03, 2015, 02:02:30 PM »
I think you have two options. Either give her a monthly payment of 50 or something and tell her thats all she is getting from you. That way she is a planned expense. Or stop giving her money. I think this situation can become enabling. If you stop giving her small amounts she may suddenly figure something out. Otherwise it will just escalate. If she were no longer able bodied then I would be concerned. My dad is similar. He wants to walk with Jesus which means he has donated his life savings to the poor. He also used to ask for money, even when I was a kid. I decided that as long as he is able to work he will get nothing from me.

Chrissy

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #22 on: June 03, 2015, 02:48:41 PM »
Can you get her to enroll in Medicaid? I would be very concerned about a health emergency creating a big, big problem. Unfortunately you can't make her change, but the risks in living the way she does are just huge.

No clue; its unlikely she'll enroll but maybe she will.  She's so unpredictable.  Maybe she already has it?  If she does, she wouldn't tell me if I asked.

If she gets herself into a real bind (which will happen at some point), plan to find an expert--a social worker--to meet with her and discuss her options and the programs she would qualify for, help her with forms, etc.  Look for a Department of Human Services in her state, or there might be one who attends her church.  I'm certain you could research programs for her too, but she seems resistant to your involvement... she might feel less protective of her pride with a professional.

CommonCents

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #23 on: June 03, 2015, 03:00:43 PM »
http://www.gotquestions.org/God-help-themselves.html

Maybe talk to her pastor about your concerns and see if s/he will talk to her (and find stories in the bible of people actually doing work in order to make things happen).

but this is the month I wanted 2 b bak 2 work

I wonder if this means she didn't start looking till now (or last month)

sisto

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #24 on: June 03, 2015, 04:06:02 PM »
This is going to sound harsh, but it sounds like you are the Lord. You are the one providing for her. How does she not see this?
BTW- I have a very similar situation with both my Mother and my MIL. Thankfully my MIL is now finally set. She just got an inheritance, she's 74 and it's enough money to last her even just parking it in the bank like she's planning to do, don't get me started on that one. As for my own mother I finally just had to set some guidelines. It's hard, but you will need to talk with her or quit giving her the hand outs. My own mother's since of entitlement drives me crazy! She often says I never expected to be in this situation and have my kids support me etc. I always bite my tongue thinking then why didn't you save any money for retirement?

wenchsenior

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #25 on: June 04, 2015, 09:18:06 AM »
I am in a very similar situation to Sisto. Both mothers dirt poor, greatly through bad decision making and/or helpless passivity in the face of long term financial caatstrophe.

You need to think long and hard about exactly what you can/are willing to do. Most people won't change, unless they are in truly desperate straits. And even then, they will usually change juuuust enough to improve the situation marginally.

My husband and I have chosen to deal with our two mothers differently. My mother was cooperative, and willing to turn over a lot of control to us and be totally transparent with her situation. So now, we basically support her (bought her a house, gave her a car,  pay her utilities). My husband's mother is not reliable and cooperative in this way, so we more or less ignore the situation (which is sometimes desperate...she's in her 70s and was living in a tent for a while). But she wouldn't stick to any plan we set up, she's in a far flung state, AND we can't possibly support two adults fully. So we 'budget' several thousand per year for the inevitable emergency pleas for overnight wired cash that his mother makes every six months or so.

Find out what resources are available to help poor people in your state. Some states (for example, MN) have very good programs for poor adults. Some states (like TX) could give two shits unless there are children involved. Then think long and hard about what you are willing to do for your mother. We occasionally feel shitty for not doing more, but honestly, they both suck at helping themselves and we can't afford to spend more 15-20K/year on them when we started late saving for retirement ourselves.

Try to make any plan you make a long-term one (esp given your mother's age...you need to factor her situation into your life plans if you are going to help at all) because like I said, people don't change and you can't change them. Then make a plan, execute the plan as well as their cooperation will allow. And work really hard not to feel resentful (v. difficult) or guilty, since neither of those emotions helps the situation at all.

Good luck.

SK Joyous

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #26 on: June 04, 2015, 01:02:36 PM »
EconDiva, sorry to hear about this.  I agree with other posters that encouraging her to talk to her church leaders would be a good idea - they will know of resources and may be able to help (and are closer).  Bottom line - you can only be involved if she lets you be involved, and she's not.  She is telling you not to worry, so don't worry (hard when it comes to family, I know, but what else can you do really?).  Enjoy your holidays.

On a side note, many stories like the ones being shared here make me so grateful for my responsible parents.  I think I have to go and hang out with them tonight and have a coffee and chat in their backyard.

MBot

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #27 on: June 04, 2015, 02:06:22 PM »
This is going to sound harsh, but it sounds like you are the Lord. You are the one providing for her. How does she not see this?
BTW- I have a very similar situation with both my Mother and my MIL. Thankfully my MIL is now finally set. She just got an inheritance, she's 74 and it's enough money to last her even just parking it in the bank like she's planning to do, don't get me started on that one. As for my own mother I finally just had to set some guidelines. It's hard, but you will need to talk with her or quit giving her the hand outs. My own mother's since of entitlement drives me crazy! She often says I never expected to be in this situation and have my kids support me etc. I always bite my tongue thinking then why didn't you save any money for retirement?

There's an old joke that goes something like this:

A young man comes to his girlfriend's parents to ask for permission to marry their daughter.
The father asks "Where will you be living when you are married?"
The young man responds "God will provide."
The mother asks "What job will you be working at when you are married?"
The young man responds "God will provide."
The questions and answers continue among similar lines, and the young man departs for the evening.

The father asks the mother, "How do you think that went?"
She replies, "Well, he sure thinks we're God!"



As a pastor, there's usually individuals in our churches that have this same perspective on work, unfortunately.

I find it typically comes from three sources - lacking social skills to an extreme degree, lacking motivation/being lazy and seeking to justify it "spiritually", or an individual dealing with some type of mental illness. There's almost invariably a history of work being difficult and just "praying" about it is deemed the easier solution instead of actually working on it. Most individuals don't start with this perspective, but pain in dealing with work, hearing TV/radio preachers who are "all faith no action" and sound appealing, and having acquaintances/friends with similar ideas can all foster this type of mindset.

All that to say - as suggested, can you speak with her pastor or another leader in her church? Perhaps if those ideas are straightened out by him/her (or someone else in the church she trusts) they can help her actually work towards a solution that involves actively finding and keeping job.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2015, 02:11:38 PM by MBot »

Capsu78

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #28 on: June 04, 2015, 02:50:19 PM »
On a side note, many stories like the ones being shared here make me so grateful for my responsible parents. 

I felt the same about my parents on both sides, now passed.  I recently sat down with my oldest daughter, our executor, and told her she knows someone right now that is going to tell her one day"... My parents are in big financial trouble".  I showed her the structure of our retirement planning, defined what constitutes a "Win", starting at "last $10 tips the grave digger for the last surviving spouse"  and working up to there may be enough money left for her to partially fund her retirement.  I defined "failure" and "epic failure" as well

She called me a couple days later and thanked me for sharing our plan and said it inspired her to talk to her husband about finding out more about his parents plans and to do some work on their own retirement plans.

One of my best Father/Daughter discussions ever!
« Last Edit: June 04, 2015, 02:52:12 PM by Capsu78 »

EconDiva

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #29 on: June 08, 2015, 09:32:57 AM »
Oh my God.

I just got this long text from my mom...at one point in it she thanks me for the money I recently sent her. 

Anyways, at the end of the text she says "I'm going to be restarting my job search this week."

???!!

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #30 on: June 08, 2015, 10:22:54 AM »
I guess that teaches you your lesson about giving her money. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

wenchsenior

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #31 on: June 08, 2015, 12:18:15 PM »
EconDiva, I just want to mention that my mom, who has that passive type of personality I mentioned, is a champion at 'just about to' discussions. She was always talking about plans to exercise more, eat better, job hunt (or when working, look for  job with benefits), take some specific financial action, go to the doctor for a check up, go out and volunteer, etc etc etc. I believe she even sort of wants to do these things (or at least, she wants to be the sort of person doing those things). But when it comes to it, she just talks unless someone physically drags her out to do stuff, or sets up the situation so all she has to do is show up. A few years ago, when we still had hopes of her being able to find some work, she had 1 full year of living with us, with access to computers and tutorials, and nothing whatsoever expected of her to do apart from improve her job skills, apply for jobs, and go on interviews. After 3 or 4 months of waiting, I finally wrote up her resume and cover letter, and began applying for jobs online for her. She never did do the tutorials to learn how to use Microsoft Office. At that point, she was old enough that it wasn't so surprising she didn't get picked up for the few jobs that she interviewed for.

I'm dead serious: could/would you be willing to job hunt FOR your mother, and if you did so, would she go on interviews and take a job if it were offered? With mine, she would do the latter, just not the former.


EconDiva

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #32 on: June 12, 2015, 07:25:00 AM »
I think you have two options. Either give her a monthly payment of 50 or something and tell her thats all she is getting from you. That way she is a planned expense. Or stop giving her money. I think this situation can become enabling. If you stop giving her small amounts she may suddenly figure something out. Otherwise it will just escalate. If she were no longer able bodied then I would be concerned. My dad is similar. He wants to walk with Jesus which means he has donated his life savings to the poor. He also used to ask for money, even when I was a kid. I decided that as long as he is able to work he will get nothing from me.

How does he survive if he's always giving away all of his money?

EconDiva

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #33 on: June 12, 2015, 07:28:39 AM »
I guess that teaches you your lesson about giving her money. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I feel like this is confirmation she hasn't been looking since being laid off almost 2 years ago.

And I'm just flabbergasted about it. I think what she was really praying for is for her inheritance to come through by now.  But maybe she really has been praying for a job now that there's officially no money left.....

EconDiva

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #34 on: June 12, 2015, 07:31:47 AM »
EconDiva, I just want to mention that my mom, who has that passive type of personality I mentioned, is a champion at 'just about to' discussions. She was always talking about plans to exercise more, eat better, job hunt (or when working, look for  job with benefits), take some specific financial action, go to the doctor for a check up, go out and volunteer, etc etc etc. I believe she even sort of wants to do these things (or at least, she wants to be the sort of person doing those things). But when it comes to it, she just talks unless someone physically drags her out to do stuff, or sets up the situation so all she has to do is show up. A few years ago, when we still had hopes of her being able to find some work, she had 1 full year of living with us, with access to computers and tutorials, and nothing whatsoever expected of her to do apart from improve her job skills, apply for jobs, and go on interviews. After 3 or 4 months of waiting, I finally wrote up her resume and cover letter, and began applying for jobs online for her. She never did do the tutorials to learn how to use Microsoft Office. At that point, she was old enough that it wasn't so surprising she didn't get picked up for the few jobs that she interviewed for.

I'm dead serious: could/would you be willing to job hunt FOR your mother, and if you did so, would she go on interviews and take a job if it were offered? With mine, she would do the latter, just not the former.

Well yes, I am willing to help her out in that way. I offered to wend her resume out two weeks ago and asked she send me her copy so I can work on it. She hasn't sent anything. I'm guessing she doesn't have one.

And I'm guessing she may not need one for the types of jobs she'd be applying to...so I guess I could just go ahead and start looking for stuff for her now. Sure would help if she still had a land line since she only has one of those free cell phones....

electriceagle

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #35 on: June 12, 2015, 07:47:15 AM »
After 3 or 4 months of waiting, I finally wrote up her resume and cover letter, and began applying for jobs online for her. She never did do the tutorials to learn how to use Microsoft Office. At that point, she was old enough that it wasn't so surprising she didn't get picked up for the few jobs that she interviewed for.

I'm dead serious: could/would you be willing to job hunt FOR your mother, and if you did so, would she go on interviews and take a job if it were offered? With mine, she would do the latter, just not the former.

Well yes, I am willing to help her out in that way. I offered to wend her resume out two weeks ago and asked she send me her copy so I can work on it. She hasn't sent anything. I'm guessing she doesn't have one.

And I'm guessing she may not need one for the types of jobs she'd be applying to...so I guess I could just go ahead and start looking for stuff for her now. Sure would help if she still had a land line since she only has one of those free cell phones....

You may be setting yourself up for a difficult job. Who would want to hire someone who can't even be bothered to apply for a job themselves? Its going to be tough to find a workplace where that level of initiative is rewarded.

EconDiva

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Re: Getting (kinda) involved in parental finances
« Reply #36 on: June 12, 2015, 07:50:38 AM »
After 3 or 4 months of waiting, I finally wrote up her resume and cover letter, and began applying for jobs online for her. She never did do the tutorials to learn how to use Microsoft Office. At that point, she was old enough that it wasn't so surprising she didn't get picked up for the few jobs that she interviewed for.

I'm dead serious: could/would you be willing to job hunt FOR your mother, and if you did so, would she go on interviews and take a job if it were offered? With mine, she would do the latter, just not the former.

Well yes, I am willing to help her out in that way. I offered to wend her resume out two weeks ago and asked she send me her copy so I can work on it. She hasn't sent anything. I'm guessing she doesn't have one.

And I'm guessing she may not need one for the types of jobs she'd be applying to...so I guess I could just go ahead and start looking for stuff for her now. Sure would help if she still had a land line since she only has one of those free cell phones....

You may be setting yourself up for a difficult job. Who would want to hire someone who can't even be bothered to apply for a job themselves? Its going to be tough to find a workplace where that level of initiative is rewarded.

I guess that's why all her life she's hated working.

Cafeteria jobs maybe her first 10 years out of high school, then plant work on an assembly line (ie cutting chicken parts).