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Learning, Sharing, and Teaching => Ask a Mustachian => Topic started by: zoochadookdook on June 20, 2019, 10:20:15 AM

Title: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: zoochadookdook on June 20, 2019, 10:20:15 AM
Hi all,

I received a call last night from my buddy "X". X's father is a higher up at a big company in Texas. X has informed me that there is a salary position with benefits available if I want it-but it is in Texas and I would have to relocate.

This new job would be 40 hours a week/unlimited pto policy (obviously don't abuse) with healthcare matched and possibly a 401 match (or later on). Pay would be 70k/salary. 2 of my friends work for the company, X is one and Z is the other; we grew up together so I wouldn't be completely isolated. The job would be for a junior PM position. It would be technical but real work. Told it has the pathway to make 6 figures within several years. 

My current position is paying 22/hr with no benefits. 8-5 with mandatory 1-hour unpaid lunch/week (ew). I've been here 3 months (in another 3 option for a reassessment of hiring direct). Benefits at the point would be decent PTO, a day or so ability to work remote a week, healthcare, a slight 401k match-no idea what starting salary would be. I've been told there are options to move to different departments but haven't made it to HR yet. I work in configurations which is sort of clerical work for SOWs and RFPs and such. The company atmosphere is good though and the commute is 15 minutes.

I own a house, my parents live locally, my girlfriend of 8 years just accepted a teaching position here starting in a few months, I can make at least 1-2000 on a side hustle part-time in the area (would probably scale fine to the other area as well), No kids, dogs; and I'm just confused in general on whether I should or shouldn't consider actually taking this position.

My degree is in MIS and this other job seems to have much more room for advancement/analytical work and showing I can learn and apply technical knowledge.

On the other hand, maybe I should schedule with HR in my current position to see what pay would be like if I was directly hired/if there is an opportunity for advancement or movement to other business departments in the future? I don't want them to cut me for considering a different position though (right to work contract eh?)

Has anyone contemplated/taken or turned down a move for a career opportunity? How'd you approach it? What did you compare? How did you approach your other employer once offered a new position? Just looking for tips/others experiences
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: therethere on June 20, 2019, 10:35:26 AM
Wow what an opportunity! Project Management can open a ton of doors both career and money wise. That being said, it's not a career for everyone. You're young so it could be worth a shot to try your hand. You'll learn a lot so if it's not for you, you'd be able to segue your experience to other positions pretty easily.

Project management is typically very demanding. Depending on what industry or company you could also travel a lot or none at all. You may be expected to be available after hours for phone calls or emergencies. I'd learn more about the position. What industry. What size projects. What is your support system (other PMs, etc.). Is the company pretty stable or do they tend to do hiring/layoffs frequently.

New company would likely have relocation benefits or a signup bonus to help with the costs of the move. Depending on how profitable/big the company is they may also help with the home sale.

As for the personal side of the question... I've had to move for both of my jobs. I expect to have to move when I look for my next job. It's the nature of the beast.
 Engineers and PM type roles usually have to move to get new positions. Typically you'll get pidgeonholed into a specific industry and then you have to find new jobs in whatever cities those industries are in. The US is a big place with lots to explore. I stayed way too long in a city I hated like and rejected several offers to relocate to cities I immediately dismissed. I wish I took more risks with jobs and locations early in my career. I enjoy where I ended up, but wished I switched it up more often when I was young and flexible.

Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Malkynn on June 20, 2019, 10:37:30 AM
Go.

Don't think twice about it and go.

We all know by now that you need some serious change in your life and I think that restarting in a new place is a GREAT idea.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Better Change on June 20, 2019, 11:13:46 AM
Bye bye, Michigan!

Ask a Manager can help you with the job-related questions you have.  It's a useful website for that kind of stuff.  Basically you don't want to go waving this offer in front of your current employer's face, because yep, you're now a flight risk, and they will not look favorably upon your great new position.  During a downturn, you'll be the first on the chopping block.  The vast majority of us is replaceable.

But personally.....go.  Rent your home to your (soon to be ex?) girlfriend if it makes you feel better about leaving.  Um...assuming she won't trash the place, of course.  Use this as an opportunity to "go find yourself" and figure out what you want out of life, all while making a lot more money. 

Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: kei te pai on June 20, 2019, 01:25:52 PM
Off you go! Take your opportunities now, dont be too cautious. Dont risk being forty and look back wishing you had been braver.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Linea_Norway on June 20, 2019, 01:43:14 PM
This is a good opportunity to do the breakup with your girlfriend/roommate and start over again. You will move to a place where you have some pals. Let the company pay for the move. I think you could sell your current place for a clean cut off with the GF.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: JLee on June 20, 2019, 01:53:08 PM
Why are we suggesting breaking up with the gf? Did I miss something?
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Malkynn on June 20, 2019, 02:13:06 PM
Why are we suggesting breaking up with the gf? Did I miss something?

Many, many, many pages.
And yes, he should go without his girlfriend.

Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: zoochadookdook on June 20, 2019, 02:17:45 PM
Why are we suggesting breaking up with the gf? Did I miss something?

Many, many, many pages.
And yes, he should go without his girlfriend.

So many pages- although to put in in TLDR terms
She wants to get married/is waiting for me to say I want kids. I do not know when/if I'll want kids. We are very in limbo currently.

To compound that-she just got a perfect first job in the local area. It's her hometown etc. If I am not planning on marrying her-which right now I am not doing and she understands that-we would not be moving together.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: JLee on June 20, 2019, 02:35:19 PM
Ahhh. I see.

It may be time to GTFO.  8 years is a long time, and the people you were right out of high school were probably quite different than the people you are today.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Slow&Steady on June 20, 2019, 02:37:33 PM
I have not read the many many pages about girlfriend/current situation/etc. but I have a general comment.

What if you rephrased the question you are asking yourself?  Would your internal response change if you asked the question with different words?

Pros/Cons of uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state?

vs

Pros/Cons of accepting an offer that might jump start my career?

or

Pros/Cons of taking a once in a lifetime (maybe) opportunity to start my life over, with a job offer in another state?

I believe that a lot of our internal responses to things are dictated by the way something presented to us.  Think of it in a positive light and you will be excited about it, think of it in a negative light and you will dread it.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: zoochadookdook on June 20, 2019, 02:39:40 PM
I have not read the many many pages about girlfriend/current situation/etc. but I have a general comment.

What if you rephrased the question you are asking yourself?  Would your internal response change if you asked the question with different words?

Pros/Cons of uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state?

vs

Pros/Cons of accepting an offer that might jump start my career?

or

Pros/Cons of taking a once in a lifetime (maybe) opportunity to start my life over, with a job offer in another state?

I believe that a lot of our internal responses to things are dictated by the way something presented to us.  Think of it in a positive light and you will be excited about it, think of it in a negative light and you will dread it.

Oh it's definitly a matter of how you view it; the issue I have is I over analyze every little catagory. Well this would suck but this would be good but this would suck but this.....etc.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: caleb on June 20, 2019, 02:41:47 PM
Go, based on what you've posted there's no question.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: JLee on June 20, 2019, 02:46:57 PM
For what it's worth, I had a similar situation. I had a decent but underpaying job with shitty benefits (2 weeks vacation) in an area that I loved and was settled into (owned a house, etc). I had an opportunity in an area I didn't really want to move to, but it was enticing enough that I did.  I ended up doubling my salary, building an awesome new social network, and overall my life is even more awesome than it was before.

Sometimes you just have to jump.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: MonkeyJenga on June 20, 2019, 02:49:32 PM
Go. No question.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: former player on June 20, 2019, 02:52:37 PM
Quite often the difference between a lucrative career and a lifetime of working/middle class wages is having this kind of opportunity: it isn't just immediately about the money (although the money sounds good), it's that once you are in a job at this level people will see your abilities, status and earning capacity in a completely different light from the starter job you have at the moment.  It springboards you into a completely different category of employment, and it is a golden chance to put your working life on a steep upwards trajectory.

And yes, it gives you the excuse you seem to need to end a situation with your ex-girlfriend that has bound both of you up in a situation that is going nowhere good.  I'm glad to hear that she has got a job as a teacher: that gives her too the opportunity to move onwards and upwards in life.

Put the house on the market.  Whatever it's meant in your life up to now, from now onwards it's only pinning you down to something that's not working for you. 
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: use2betrix on June 20, 2019, 03:40:57 PM
Iíve lived in 8 states in the last 8 years for work. Iíve lived in Texas three different times. Your long term gf, who is basically your wife, would she be fine with coming to Texas?

Also - is this in a decent place in Texas? Austin/Houston/San Antonio/Dallas are a very different animal than Pecos or Beaumont...

Texas is also hot, and sucks more IMO than most northern states (I like the north). It all varies deeply by specific location, however. The pay goes a long ways, and I have chosen TX and other subpar locations because of this. Again, thatís just me, Texas has more die hard people than probably any other state.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Malkynn on June 20, 2019, 05:20:40 PM
Your long term gf, who is basically your wife, would she be fine with coming to Texas?

No, no she isn't at all "basically his wife", and she shouldn't go with him.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: red_pill on June 20, 2019, 10:08:28 PM
Check out Time Ferris's TED talk on fear setting.  Might help you out.   But dude, just go.   All kinds of upside that you can't get (easily) where you are, and not much downside that can't be easily rectified.   
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Jon Bon on June 21, 2019, 09:00:19 AM
Take the job and don't look back.

I read a bit of your posts and it really sounds like both of you need a fresh start, this is your chance. Opportunity only knocks once.

Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: mlipps on June 21, 2019, 09:18:43 AM
I've been quietly reading your relationship thread without having anything to add, so I want to just pile on here and see GO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO. I've been in your shoes. Breaking up with someone you love is so hard, no matter the circumstances. Starting a new job in a new place is hard. All of this is scary. Nonetheless, this is an amazing opportunity. I look back now and thank my 24 year old self every day for having the courage to walk away from an unhappy relationship and start a grad program that scared the crap out of me. I am 10,000 times happier now than I would have been if I'd stayed in my comfortable and familiar life, but it was HARD at the time. Have courage. This will pay off. Make the leap!
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: jps on June 21, 2019, 09:25:18 AM
This sounds like a sweet opportunity. I'd go for it. Who knows what the future holds, but this is a great way to start to find out!
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: tyrannostache on June 21, 2019, 09:34:58 AM
I'm going to add to the chorus piling on to say GO! GO! GO! This is the perfect opportunity to get a fresh start. Embrace the fear that you're feeling. Go.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: doggyfizzle on June 21, 2019, 10:27:26 AM
Where in Texas?  Having spent a lot of time in that State, there aren't many places I'd consider uprooting myself for a new job.  Austin and surrounding areas maybe, but West Texas is a nope, Dallas nope, Houston f-no, and San Antonio....maybe.  With a degree in MIS you're being grossly underpaid now at $22/hour, and $70k+ benefits would likely go far in Texas, but consider your time away from work as well before you make the jump.  It isn't that there's not a lot of recreation opportunities in Texas, but the lack of significant Federal recreation land in Texas (dating back to statehood), with the exception of Big Bend is kind of a bummer for me.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: therethere on June 21, 2019, 10:32:37 AM
Where in Texas?  Having spent a lot of time in that State, there aren't many places I'd consider uprooting myself for a new job.  Austin and surrounding areas maybe, but West Texas is a nope, Dallas nope, Houston f-no, and San Antonio....maybe.  With a degree in MIS you're being grossly underpaid now at $22/hour, and $70k+ benefits would likely go far in Texas, but consider your time away from work as well before you make the jump.  It isn't that there's not a lot of recreation opportunities in Texas, but the lack of significant Federal recreation land in Texas (dating back to statehood), with the exception of Big Bend is kind of a bummer for me.

I agree. Texas was always on my hell-no list. But, if you're going to go might as well do it when you're young and can throw yourself into the job. 1-3 years would be plenty of experience to then get a new PM job somewhere else.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: zoochadookdook on June 21, 2019, 11:12:13 AM
Where in Texas?  Having spent a lot of time in that State, there aren't many places I'd consider uprooting myself for a new job.  Austin and surrounding areas maybe, but West Texas is a nope, Dallas nope, Houston f-no, and San Antonio....maybe.  With a degree in MIS you're being grossly underpaid now at $22/hour, and $70k+ benefits would likely go far in Texas, but consider your time away from work as well before you make the jump.  It isn't that there's not a lot of recreation opportunities in Texas, but the lack of significant Federal recreation land in Texas (dating back to statehood), with the exception of Big Bend is kind of a bummer for me.

The opportunity is in San Antonio
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: zoochadookdook on June 21, 2019, 11:24:20 AM
Thanks all;

I have a probe call with my buddies father (who would be doing the actual hiring) today. I'm trying to compile a list of questions for him regarding hours, training, benifits, moving costs stiphon?, flextime, room for career advancement etc. Any ideas on what else to ask?

Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: therethere on June 21, 2019, 11:31:18 AM
Thanks all;

I have a probe call with my buddies father (who would be doing the actual hiring) today. I'm trying to compile a list of questions for him regarding hours, training, benifits, moving costs stiphon?, flextime, room for career advancement etc. Any ideas on what else to ask?

Definitely ask about travel expectations (if any). How many projects would you cover? Would you be directly in charge or is there a secondary PM (if it's not on-site project management)?

I'd also setup a call with your old friends to see a more real perspective. Policy and manager answers don't always showcase the real expectations and environment. He's trying to sell you on it while others that would be at your level aren't gaining too much so will likely give you some more real feedback. How often are deliverables changed on short notice?
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: former player on June 21, 2019, 11:38:01 AM
Don't forget to sell yourself: ask about what the expectations in the job are and be prepared to talk about how you can meet them.  Ask how they provide training and where the job might take your career.  Also, be prepared to talk a bit about how moving to Texas will impact you personally: your friends are already there, your martial arts hobby will move with you (maybe google a gym near your future workplace?) - if they are going to the trouble of recruiting from across the USA they may want to know you can make a success of the move in personal terms.

Hours, benefits, travel requirements and flextime are necessary information but secondary: they are more important once you've got a definite offer (unless of course you already know this is a sure thing).
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Cassie on June 22, 2019, 01:14:11 PM
The only problem I see is that you are following your GF. Itís going to be more difficult to stay apart if you are in the same town.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: former player on June 22, 2019, 02:55:58 PM
The only problem I see is that you are following your GF. Itís going to be more difficult to stay apart if you are in the same town.
nooooo.. surely not. Surely the not-girlfriend is staying in home town and new job is with friends X and Z?  That's how I read OP's post, anyway.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Cassie on June 23, 2019, 01:30:36 PM
Former, I hope I am wrong.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: ender on June 23, 2019, 04:13:49 PM
Former, I hope I am wrong.


To compound that-she just got a perfect first job in the local area. It's her hometown etc. If I am not planning on marrying her-which right now I am not doing and she understands that-we would not be moving together.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: mandy_2002 on June 23, 2019, 05:12:25 PM
For me this would be an easy heck no. Sun, heat, and humidity are three of my least favorite things. Texas is about 800 miles south of my minimum US latitude.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: mspym on June 23, 2019, 05:28:13 PM
I have blown up my life twice now  (25 and 35) and both times it was absolutely the right thing to do. Sometimes you have to move far away from the people and circumstances that make it easy for you to stay in a rut. Whether or not you love Texas/this job making any change at all is a Good Thing because it starts the pattern of being a person who is looking for a better/happier life. It doesn't have to be forever but why not give it a try?
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Miss Piggy on June 23, 2019, 06:35:26 PM
Thanks all;

I have a probe call with my buddies father (who would be doing the actual hiring) today. I'm trying to compile a list of questions for him regarding hours, training, benifits, moving costs stiphon?, flextime, room for career advancement etc. Any ideas on what else to ask?

Hey man...I'm not in the business of nitpicking people's spelling and grammar on the web, but since you are in the process of applying for a new job, I feel compelled to provide a couple of minor corrections so you can look as smart as you are to the new potential employer if you type these words out again:

Benefits

Stipend (especially this correction!)

Best wishes to you. I'm firmly in the "GO!!!" camp with many others here. This offer sounds like a gift being handed to you on a silver platter at a time when you could really use it (for so many reasons).
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: zoochadookdook on June 24, 2019, 09:47:17 AM
Thanks all;

I have a probe call with my buddies father (who would be doing the actual hiring) today. I'm trying to compile a list of questions for him regarding hours, training, benifits, moving costs stiphon?, flextime, room for career advancement etc. Any ideas on what else to ask?

Hey man...I'm not in the business of nitpicking people's spelling and grammar on the web, but since you are in the process of applying for a new job, I feel compelled to provide a couple of minor corrections so you can look as smart as you are to the new potential employer if you type these words out again:

Benefits

Stipend (especially this correction!)

Best wishes to you. I'm firmly in the "GO!!!" camp with many others here. This offer sounds like a gift being handed to you on a silver platter at a time when you could really use it (for so many reasons).

Yeah; I generally have Grammarly installed but for some reason, this site doesn't like to use it. Punctually I'm better than this forum lets on.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: zoochadookdook on June 24, 2019, 10:32:22 AM
So to update.

Got a call with friend and friends father (who it turns out is the CIO of the parent company-I grew up with this family)

It's basically an internship/pm entry program. They'd send me out for any certs/training. Have a company apartment/place for me to stay if I wanted to just check out the area etc. I would be under the supervision of several Project Managers and would be working towards the goal of being hired into the main company. Apparently, the father has lots of influence and it wouldn't be an issue moving up/being set up in a comfortable career (his son and my other friend have been in the company and are doing well).

Even the father brought up it is a hard decision things considered with the GF (he kind of understands the situation). He didn't push at all and said they'd like a soft answer in the next 2 weeks so they know if they can arrange for me to get onboard.

Obviously, this has created conflict between the GF and myself. It is a weird situation and I do feel like it is a "easy exit" as she put it. I feel like I would be running away from issues but it also sounds like a pretty good opportunity.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: mm1970 on June 24, 2019, 10:46:36 AM
Go.

Don't think twice about it and go.

We all know by now that you need some serious change in your life and I think that restarting in a new place is a GREAT idea.
I was going to go into this long, drawn out explanation and all but...as usual Malkynn says it best.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Slow&Steady on June 24, 2019, 10:54:42 AM
Obviously, this has created conflict between the GF and myself. It is a weird situation and I do feel like it is a "easy exit" as she put it. I feel like I would be running away from issues but it also sounds like a pretty good opportunity.

Who gives a shit if it is an "easy exit" take the easy ones, so you have bandwidth for the hard ones.

Who gives a shit if you are "running away from an issue", some issues are worth running away from.

Who would you impress by not taking the "easy exit" or "running away"?  Your GF?  She is probably going to hate you no matter what, no need to impress her by ending it the way she thinks is the most honorable.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: meerkat on June 24, 2019, 11:25:36 AM
... and I do feel like it is a "easy exit" as she put it. I feel like I would be running away from issues but it also sounds like a pretty good opportunity.

Would you feel better if this was a "hard exit"?

Go. Seriously. Go. At the very least, go check it out and learn more about it in person (but after that, seriously, pack up all your stuff and go.)
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: JLee on June 24, 2019, 11:27:08 AM
An easy exit is the best exit, and some issues are worth running away from.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: DeepEllumStache on June 24, 2019, 12:48:33 PM
This isnít an easy exit, itís a fabulous opportunity to jump start your career. Do it.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: MrThatsDifferent on June 24, 2019, 12:52:27 PM
The universe has made a path for you. Take it.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: charis on June 24, 2019, 12:58:25 PM
What, you haven't offered her a pound of flesh yet?  GTFO and recognize that the biggest "issue" was your inability to extract yourself from this toxic relationship, for years. 
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: iris lily on June 24, 2019, 01:13:32 PM
Obviously, this has created conflict between the GF and myself. It is a weird situation and I do feel like it is a "easy exit" as she put it. I feel like I would be running away from issues but it also sounds like a pretty good opportunity.

Who gives a shit if it is an "easy exit" take the easy ones, so you have bandwidth for the hard ones.

Who gives a shit if you are "running away from an issue", some issues are worth running away from.

Who would you impress by not taking the "easy exit" or "running away"?  Your GF?  She is probably going to hate you no matter what, no need to impress her by ending it the way she thinks is the most honorable.

So much this.

I did deleted my lecture. But for gods sake, take this opportunity to figure out who you are and live your life.

Texas weather may suck and that is fine, you donít have to stay there forever.

Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: pachnik on June 24, 2019, 01:17:08 PM
The universe has made a path for you. Take it.

Exactly this.  The universe wants you out of that unhealthy situation.   
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: erutio on June 24, 2019, 01:26:01 PM
You got to make this move, man.

You chose the word "uprooting" in your title, but are you really uprooting?  At your status quo, you have a job, not a career.  A co-dependency, not a relationship.  No kids.  You're not really rooted there.   You can and should sell that house.  The universe is telling you something!

Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Cool Friend on June 24, 2019, 01:33:35 PM
...I do feel like it is a "easy exit" as she put it. I feel like I would be running away from issues but it also sounds like a pretty good opportunity.

Nothing about having an easy exit and running away from this situation is a bad thing. You're not going to get extra Good Person Points for choosing the hardest way out, or simply "toughing it out" in a relationship that is so obviously untenable.

Of course she wants you to feel bad for considering this--any choice that doesn't involve marrying her without her having to meet you halfway doesn't interest  her.  Your wants are not important to her.  Your needs are not important to her.  Your happiness is not important to her.  The only thing that matters to her is getting what she sadly thinks will fix all her self-esteem issues.

Don't be a martyr for a person who, when it comes down to it, does not actually care about You.
 
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: ysette9 on June 24, 2019, 02:05:40 PM
This isnít an easy exit, itís a fabulous opportunity to jump start your career. Do it.
I actually donít like anything about Texas and I am jumping up and down (figuratively) for you to grab this excellent opportunity. I have changed jobs many times in my career, even moving temporarily for positions that pushed my outside my comfort zone. Even the positions I ended up hating were all good moves for me. I learned a lot, expanded my network, got broader perspective, and kept my resume fresh.

Iíve already spoken up on the personal side on your other thread so I wonít belabor that bit. Purely from a career perspective moving around early in your career is the way to jump-start yourself to better opportunities.

Please, please, please take this. ;)
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Proud Foot on June 24, 2019, 02:17:22 PM
...I do feel like it is a "easy exit" as she put it. I feel like I would be running away from issues but it also sounds like a pretty good opportunity.

Break it off with her and then take this job. The job sounds like what you have expressed interest in from your other posts. As far as the easy exit, yes it will be much easier for you to move on and make progress with your life and move onto a relationship which will fulfill your needs. Having a large physical distance between you two will help keep you from holding back and dragging things out even longer with her. Having two friends already there will give you a big head start with moving on as they can introduce you to their friend groups and keep you moving forward.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: lhamo on June 24, 2019, 02:19:07 PM
You have an opportunity here to more than double your income and get on a fast track to career success.  Your GF is trying to guilt you about it.  She doesn't really love you.  If she really loved you she would want what is best for you, even if that means moving away from her.  She is selfish and immature and is holding you back.  I hope you will do what is right for you/your future and go your separate ways.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Miss Piggy on June 24, 2019, 02:19:21 PM
This isnít an easy exit, itís a fabulous opportunity to jump start your career. Do it.

Even if you WEREN'T thinking hard about breaking up with your roommate, this is a fabulous opportunity to pretty much double your income (if you include the benefits you will now have). Opportunities like this don't come along every day. Do you have any idea how this will change the trajectory of your career and your FIRE plans? Your future self will be thanking you profusely for taking this chance.

Now, let's turn the tables and say you were thinking about getting married to current roommate at some point. Would that be a reason to not accept this gift that's being handed to you? I don't think so. Wouldn't you want to take a couple of years to give your career this tremendous boost?
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: caracarn on June 24, 2019, 04:06:12 PM
So I am going to focus on the job.  I've not been up on the saga of the GF, but you have a lot of advice here.

I have worked in PM my entire career.  Make sure you truly understand what you are getting in to, and when you interview you should try to understand what the company really considers PMing, because most companies do it wrong and it makes for a miserable existence.  You want to make sure your boss clearly understands the art of project management and is not just a PMP who tries to drive by the book.  I have a PMP since 2002, so I understand the good and the bad of it.  Project management is a wonderful job if you enjoy it but can be miserable for someone who think it is just keeping track of a to-do list, because it will eat you up and spit you out.  You have to have excellent people skills, be able to read a room, adjust on the fly and bring a lot of examples to bear to make the client comfortable.  As a new PM this is tough so you need to get through that.  I love project management, and recently took a significant pay cut to step back into a 100% project management role, but there are guys on my team that dread some of the calls with customers.  You need a thick skin and most importantly you need to work for management that will listen when you say there is a problem and help you fix it and stand behind you when crap hits the fan, as it will, unless you are managing very tiny projects with few moving parts.

Happy to talk about any aspect of this type of role, so if you want more, let me know.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: red_pill on June 24, 2019, 04:26:32 PM
Fact: you've been looking for an out for years.  Here it is on a silver platter.  And you're turning your nose up at it because it's "too easy"?  Would a hard way out be more palatable to your honor?

And that line about running from issues?  Uh, some issues are worth running from, and as fast as possible.  Not everything needs to be (or can be) fixed.   

Bro, you better look around you at your life right now, because you're gonna be there forever.  That will be the penalty for being a coward.

Now, go read "Can't Hurt Me" by Navy SEAL David Goggins, grow a set, and take care of your business.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: BicycleB on June 24, 2019, 04:34:27 PM
Go!!!!!!!!!

PMs have to overcome a lot of emotional flak at work, operate decisively, get other people to cooperate. You may suck at all of these and fail in the job despite your education. It will still be the best thing in your life so far. Go!!!!!!!!!

PS. You will not always have good opportunities like this drop into your lap. GO.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Frankies Girl on June 24, 2019, 06:31:33 PM
Oh for fuck's sake.

Dude. This is not running away from your problems. This is SOLVING YOUR PROBLEMS. This is the literal definition of the perfect answer to everything you've been not dealing with. Your horribly messed-up sexless relationship, your passivity and acceptance of playing the role of martyr, your dead-end job that isn't using your skills or challenging your intelligence or offering you a single rung up the ladder for advancement let alone reasonable pay, a change of scene, a chance to move to someplace where you already have friends and support system there and willing to give you a place to live and help you out and be social with you... great zombie jesus, do you want them to bake you a plate of cookies and give you a back massage in addition before you wake up and see this is the kind of opportunity that most people would kill for? This is the fucking Deus ex machina divine intervention that silly/great movie plots hinge on - you're not possibly going to pass this up are you?

Running away from your problems is EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST 7 YEARS. Despite the verb "running" indicating action, you've spent your entire relationship avoiding that giant Very Insanely Big Mess that is your romantic relationship. You've hidden from it, you've avoided it, you've bent yourself into stupid painful shapes pretending that everything is just fine, this is normal, stuff like this is totally okay and you are now numb and distanced from living a real, in living color and with all the amazing colors and sounds and feelings out there... because you've spent the time RUNNING AWAY FROM DEALING WITH IT.

Moving and taking this job is literally whatever higher power/deity/karma/clockwork that you may believe in handing you your golden ticket. This is your out. And it's "easy" like something easy is necessarily a bad thing? Who the fuck cares if it's easy - not that I think it is since we're talking uprooting your entire life and moving to someplace you never even considered before - but if you think this is easy, even better! You've been handed pretty-awful and stuffing down your wants/needs for years... you've earned "easy" at this point!

Do NOT let your girlfriend's pessimism and lack of support blind you to the fact that this is AMAZING opportunity. She is not considering you at all here (again). She is only concerned for her own self - she is selfish and self-centered and needs to grow up. I still don't think she's doing any of this intentionally, but until she gets her own head straight, she isn't fit to be in a relationship... and you are exactly the same. Sad thing is, you need to grow up too, and neither one of you are going to do any growing or maturing or working towards being really content/happy if you stay together. You need to leave. Hell, if you are that nervous, don't sell and just rent the house out, and promise yourself that if you hate San Antonio you can come back there in a year. But GO and commit to doing your damnest to having fun, growing up and work on you.

San Antonio is actually a pretty nifty place - GREAT food, fun stuff to do - amusement parks, sports, nature/state parks, RIVERWALK and FIESTA for the crazy party stuff, lovely people for the most part, museums, beautiful, old world buildings and lots of cool stuff a 20-something guy should be REALLY happy to experience. I personally think San Antonio is one of the best cities in Texas - I'm a transplant myself in one of the not so great cities - but I honestly can't see living anywhere else despite the slightly annoying "crazy Texan" personas you'll meet down here (they put the flag/lone star stuff on EVERYTHING. You'll be fine tho, promise). Heat sucks, but it's pretty nice in the winter months and just wear sunscreen/hats/drink lots of water and get in the shade or A/C if you start feeling too hot. Or go swimming. Or river tubing, or the many waterparks...

Just try it. Even if you hate it, give it one year. You get some space to find who you really are without being tied down to someone that was happy to cripple you emotionally/physically and get some great job and living experience and have the safety net of friends in the area.

Break up with your girlfriend, give her a few weeks to move out, then either put the house up for sale or rent it out. Do NOT contact your old girlfriend and make sure to block her on social media/phone. Do not call her/text/message her. Move to San Antonio and take that job. Date LOTS of different people. Do NOT start any new relationships other than casual stuff (no exclusive dating) for at least 6 months to a year. Get a counselor to work through the relationship stuff and your self worth and confidence.

You are worth more than what you are getting now - both in your career and in your relationship - please don't pass this opportunity up. Someone out there throwing you a lifeline while you're drowning. Just grab onto that rope and don't look back.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: ysette9 on June 24, 2019, 09:45:07 PM


Standing ovation for FG. Only Laura33 could have put it better.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: lhamo on June 24, 2019, 10:41:08 PM
FG wins the internet today!
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Dicey on June 25, 2019, 01:42:14 AM
FG wins the internet today!
What else is new? Go, FG! What she said!!!
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Cool Friend on June 25, 2019, 07:13:24 AM
+1 for renting your house out as a great way to have a safety net if you're worried about regret.  If your relationship can't survive a year apart from one another, it sure as shit can't survive a marriage.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: LittleWanderer on June 25, 2019, 09:41:58 AM
FG wins the internet today!

Seriously.  So much this. 

Go, go, go!  This is not even a question.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Kris on June 25, 2019, 10:30:34 AM
Go. 100% go.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: mm1970 on June 25, 2019, 10:44:54 AM


Standing ovation for FG. Only Laura33 could have put it better.
Yes, +1

Quote
Dude. This is not running away from your problems. This is SOLVING YOUR PROBLEMS. This is the literal definition of the perfect answer to everything you've been not dealing with. Your horribly messed-up sexless relationship, your passivity and acceptance of playing the role of martyr, your dead-end job that isn't using your skills or challenging your intelligence or offering you a single rung up the ladder for advancement let alone reasonable pay, a change of scene, a chance to move to someplace where you already have friends and support system there and willing to give you a place to live and help you out and be social with you... great zombie jesus, do you want them to bake you a plate of cookies and give you a back massage in addition before you wake up and see this is the kind of opportunity that most people would kill for? This is the fucking Deus ex machina divine intervention that silly/great movie plots hinge on - you're not possibly going to pass this up are you?

This especially was glorious.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: DeepEllumStache on June 25, 2019, 11:01:02 AM
As far as a pro/cons list, I know SA pretty well (grew up there and spent a couple of years working in the city after college). It's a sleepy but vibrant city that wakes up for Fiesta and occasionally for some Spurs games. Other SA locals could probably expand on the list some more.

Pros for pursuing the San Antonio role:Cons with pursuing the San Antonio role:Change is hard but it also encourages you to make the decisions you need to make but try to avoid. When I was in my late 20s, I followed a job opportunity out of Texas and into the Northeast. Found a lot of things to love there. Then a few years later, followed it again to Dallas. Found a lot of things to love here too. The second move triggered the break up of a relationship. Looking back, it was the right choice.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: ysette9 on June 25, 2019, 11:35:42 AM


Standing ovation for FG. Only Laura33 could have put it better.
Yes, +1

Quote
Dude. This is not running away from your problems. This is SOLVING YOUR PROBLEMS. This is the literal definition of the perfect answer to everything you've been not dealing with. Your horribly messed-up sexless relationship, your passivity and acceptance of playing the role of martyr, your dead-end job that isn't using your skills or challenging your intelligence or offering you a single rung up the ladder for advancement let alone reasonable pay, a change of scene, a chance to move to someplace where you already have friends and support system there and willing to give you a place to live and help you out and be social with you... great zombie jesus, do you want them to bake you a plate of cookies and give you a back massage in addition before you wake up and see this is the kind of opportunity that most people would kill for? This is the fucking Deus ex machina divine intervention that silly/great movie plots hinge on - you're not possibly going to pass this up are you?

This especially was glorious.
Agreed
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Fomerly known as something on June 25, 2019, 11:49:27 AM
I"ll just add my 2 cents.  Go, go.

I was offered a career out of college, the catch was this midwestern girl had to start in NYC where I had no connects and no real desire to live.  (I wasn't going to have to stay there, just start there), the best thing I did in life was taking the chance and taking the job.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Assetup on June 25, 2019, 12:38:02 PM
Huge pay raise, potentially free rent and a lot of room to grow.  Don't even factor your relationship into this and go.  It seems like a no brainier if everything you have been posting is unbiased and factual
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Linea_Norway on June 25, 2019, 02:13:53 PM
About the going back to your current boss and ask for a raise, that will probably lead nowhere. You will not learn new skills there. Your career will stagnate. Changing jobs and learning new skills through the years are they way to develop your career. Take this chance!
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: zoochadookdook on June 25, 2019, 03:00:53 PM
About the going back to your current boss and ask for a raise, that will probably lead nowhere. You will not learn new skills there. Your career will stagnate. Changing jobs and learning new skills through the years are they way to develop your career. Take this chance!


Well, the idea was they would hire me directly in 6 months from the start date with a salary/pay increase and benefits. They also mentioned opportunities to transfer between jobs in the company which would be a plus. I figured If I am ready to accept this other job it can't hurt to take it to HR?
Title: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: ysette9 on June 25, 2019, 03:45:38 PM
For a normal situation I would agree with you. In your situation though you seem to be your own worst enemy, looking for excuses to not seize the day and taking a leap out of your comfort zone into something that will make you grow and explore and learn and become a better person. My fear is that you go to HR and they counter with a 5% or 10% raise and you say ďgreat!Ē and then take it and stay in your rut, passing on a great opportunity to grow professionally and intellectually and emotionally. Please donít do that to yourself. Go be bold and brave.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: BicycleB on June 25, 2019, 05:03:00 PM
+1 ysette ^

No excuses.

Do not say another word to anyone in your current state of residence. Accept the Texas offer. Silently pack your necessities into the vehicle you will drive to Texas. Email a local real estate agent requesting that they sell your house for you. Silently sign a contract with them if you must do so in person.

Email your girlfriend/ex/fiancee/fear partner that she has 30 days to vacate the premises which you are selling. On the internet, look up the procedures for evicting someone in your state. Follow the notice procedures, again informing Fearful Ex that she must move from your house in 30 days. Do not speak, pack.

Anything you own goes in the dump unless you pack it. When your stuff is out of the house and in the vehicle, drive it in the direction of Texas. Sleep at rest stops. When you arrive in San Antonio, rent a motel room for one night and clean up. Rent an apartment and move in. Start work as soon as they want you.

Cons: Fear

Pros: Your life will improve
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: mm1970 on June 25, 2019, 05:07:22 PM
For a normal situation I would agree with you. In your situation though you seem to be your own worst enemy, looking for excuses to not seize the day and taking a leap out of your comfort zone into something that will make you grow and explore and learn and become a better person. My fear is that you go to HR and they counter with a 5% or 10% raise and you say ďgreat!Ē and then take it and stay in your rut, passing on a great opportunity to grow professionally and intellectually and emotionally. Please donít do that to yourself. Go be bold and brave.
Yes, this.  You are looking for excuses to stay in a rut that you need to pull yourself out of.  You aren't in a place, a job, a company, a relationship that you love EXCEPT FOR THE PAY.  In that case, SURE!  Take it to HR.

In this case - no just GO.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: zoochadookdook on June 26, 2019, 08:01:32 AM
+1 ysette ^

No excuses.

Do not say another word to anyone in your current state of residence. Accept the Texas offer. Silently pack your necessities into the vehicle you will drive to Texas. Email a local real estate agent requesting that they sell your house for you. Silently sign a contract with them if you must do so in person.

Email your girlfriend/ex/fiancee/fear partner that she has 30 days to vacate the premises which you are selling. On the internet, look up the procedures for evicting someone in your state. Follow the notice procedures, again informing Fearful Ex that she must move from your house in 30 days. Do not speak, pack.

Anything you own goes in the dump unless you pack it. When your stuff is out of the house and in the vehicle, drive it in the direction of Texas. Sleep at rest stops. When you arrive in San Antonio, rent a motel room for one night and clean up. Rent an apartment and move in. Start work as soon as they want you.

Cons: Fear

Pros: Your life will improve

Jesus christ lol
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: YYK on June 26, 2019, 10:28:30 AM
+1 ysette ^

No excuses.

Do not say another word to anyone in your current state of residence. Accept the Texas offer. Silently pack your necessities into the vehicle you will drive to Texas. Email a local real estate agent requesting that they sell your house for you. Silently sign a contract with them if you must do so in person.

Email your girlfriend/ex/fiancee/fear partner that she has 30 days to vacate the premises which you are selling. On the internet, look up the procedures for evicting someone in your state. Follow the notice procedures, again informing Fearful Ex that she must move from your house in 30 days. Do not speak, pack.

Anything you own goes in the dump unless you pack it. When your stuff is out of the house and in the vehicle, drive it in the direction of Texas. Sleep at rest stops. When you arrive in San Antonio, rent a motel room for one night and clean up. Rent an apartment and move in. Start work as soon as they want you.

Cons: Fear

Pros: Your life will improve

Jesus christ lol

I agree with BicycleB, and everyone else. This is the abrupt change that you really, really need. Don't regret missing this opportunity.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: zoochadookdook on June 26, 2019, 11:00:50 AM
Yeah I mean so she's mentioned she wouldn't mind moving if she knew we were going forward towards marriage so obviously that's a conflict of interest.

From a job standpoint, you can't ask for much more of a leg up. Paid for certs, starting good base salary, a few friends in the company working directly with, etc.

The girlfriend is a tipping point. Staying together and moving isn't working unless I agree to the conditions (kids in a few years etc) which I can't seem to figure out. Staying together short term at distance may be an option but I'm guessing commitment to moving would be a catalyst towards all that. Already she's been looking for options for jobs up here/other ways I can work remote etc. I think the thing that sucks is just her perspective I would choose this job over my life here. 

On the other hand I'd kick myself in the teeth if I didn't take it. 99% sure I'm taking it-arranging for a flight the 12-14 just to visit the area and see the company and I guess we'll see how everything goes from there after I give my answer.

That being said I'm not just leaving overnight. I have a ton of stuff/the house and belongings I'd have to figure out (either renting/selling/keeping and using when I come back to visit etc).
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Linea_Norway on June 26, 2019, 11:11:09 AM
About moving cross country. Maybe you can do your final move by car and bring along what fits in there. For most of your other, not personal stuff, like furniture, you can sell where you live now and buy used where you will live later. Shouldn't cost much, apart from some time and effort. Maybe you can move into a furnished rental to start with.

When you move, I wouldn't commit to a long term faithful relationship. This would not let you florish in the new city. You might do something that breaks the promise and you might feel bad about it. Just break up, with the distance and your current impasse as arguments. If it turns out you really miss each other, you can always get back together.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Sibley on June 26, 2019, 11:31:32 AM
Go. Take it.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: ysette9 on June 26, 2019, 12:13:16 PM
Staying together and moving isn't working unless I agree to the conditions (kids in a few years etc) which I can't seem to figure out. Staying together short term at distance may be an option but I'm guessing commitment to moving would be a catalyst towards all that. Already she's been looking for options for jobs up here/other ways I can work remote etc. I think the thing that sucks is just her perspective I would choose this job over my life here. 


You have figured this out already. You just arenít being honest with yourself. There are only two possible answers to the question ďdo you want to marry me and start a family?Ē One answer is a full-hearted, enthusiastic ďyes!Ē Anything else is a hard ďnoĒ. You are misinterpreting a squishy ďIím not totally 100% no yetĒ as something that might become a ďyesĒ, but there is massive ground between that position and an enthusiastic ďyes!Ē.

Please also reframe this: you would not be choosing a job over your life here. You would be choosing to live your life for the first time in a long while over continuing to be stuck in a holding pattern with her.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: lhamo on June 26, 2019, 12:23:26 PM
Move.

If, 6-12 months down the line you decide you really prefer being with her, you can still invite her to join you.  If she does not want to at that point, then this relationship was not right for either of you.  And if you decide you DON'T want her to join you, that's fine too.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: caracarn on June 26, 2019, 02:02:29 PM
Staying together and moving isn't working unless I agree to the conditions (kids in a few years etc)
You do understand that if you placed this statement on a note with letters cut out from a magazine it might make it easier for you to see it for what it is; blackmail/ransom......
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: JLee on June 26, 2019, 05:14:57 PM
Yeah I mean so she's mentioned she wouldn't mind moving if she knew we were going forward towards marriage so obviously that's a conflict of interest.

From a job standpoint, you can't ask for much more of a leg up. Paid for certs, starting good base salary, a few friends in the company working directly with, etc.

The girlfriend is a tipping point. Staying together and moving isn't working unless I agree to the conditions (kids in a few years etc) which I can't seem to figure out. Staying together short term at distance may be an option but I'm guessing commitment to moving would be a catalyst towards all that. Already she's been looking for options for jobs up here/other ways I can work remote etc. I think the thing that sucks is just her perspective I would choose this job over my life here. 

On the other hand I'd kick myself in the teeth if I didn't take it. 99% sure I'm taking it-arranging for a flight the 12-14 just to visit the area and see the company and I guess we'll see how everything goes from there after I give my answer.

That being said I'm not just leaving overnight. I have a ton of stuff/the house and belongings I'd have to figure out (either renting/selling/keeping and using when I come back to visit etc).

This job is an awesome opportunity.  Your life here sucks and needs to change.

Is that a fair assessment?

You need to leave. Alone.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: BicycleB on June 26, 2019, 05:32:00 PM
I think the thing that sucks is just her perspective I would choose this job over my life here. 


It does suck...for her.

IIRC, some guy named zoochadookdook claimed upthread that maybe his relationship was a little codependent. To emerge from codependency, you must stop taking care of her feelings. Her perspective is her responsibility and she can change it. Her grief, panic, terror, frustration at not controlling you, shame at being unmarried or whatever she experiences are...um...HERS.

She's not going to get through her feelings until you quit maintaining this weakened status for her, this status in which you respond to her pleas, take her side against yourself, provide financial and emotional hints of a lifeline while believing that she is weak and helpless. You must let her sink. Only then will she learn to swim. (It's possible she'll just start manipulating someone else, but if you dump her and firmly break contact, at least she'll have a chance to grow. She won't grow as long as you stay in touch. For her sake, go.) Once you leave, her inner tigress may emerge.

It doesn't suck for her because you leave. It sucks for her because you both clung to frustrated dreams long after their expiration date.

I only say this so bluntly because you raised the issue in this thread, after several hundred posts exchanged on related threads, yet so far have in practice ignored the answers. I admit "99% certain" to move sounds good, but I don't take it at face value yet due to the many contradictory posts. Hopefully you will prove my skepticism wrong. I'm rooting for you.

I have a ton of stuff/the house and belongings I'd have to figure out (either renting/selling/keeping and using when I come back to visit etc).

Kind of suspected that. Hence, the "Jesus Christ lol" procedure, as you called it. If you follow the Way of Silent ACTION, you'll be able to figure out goods disposal quickly and move towards the new job in a timely manner.

Also, if you follow it, my feelings will be less hurt about whether you value my wonderful suggestions!  (Kidding, sort of. It just occurred to me that if you respond to others' feelings, maybe mine will help you move. Sorry if I stepped over a line there.)
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: mspym on June 26, 2019, 05:44:10 PM
It does suck. Change sucks but it is also the only way to grow and stretch. Dude- you are rootbound! The fear and pain is feeling returning to your roots after being trapped in a too small pot for too long.

At this point, I have read both your threads and I am out. When it comes down to it, no one can make you change. We can't. Your ex can't. The only person who can take action is you and if you want you can stay exactly where you are, in the difficult-easy of restless mediocrity, discontented but unwilling to bear even the tiniest discomfort to get to a better place.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: RetiredAt63 on June 26, 2019, 06:35:07 PM
Re stuff, I  am moving from a 3 bedroom house to a 1 bedroom plus den apartment. All the outdoor stuff and over half the indoor stuff is not coming with me. A lot of what is not coming with me is stuff from my parents and grandparents, all of whom are dead so the things are full of memories. But, it is just stuff. Very little is irreplaceable.

This is a golden opportunity,  go. And you know you are not doing your GF any favours by staying in the relationship, you both need a relationship with people who are really enthusiastic about you.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: zoochadookdook on June 27, 2019, 02:37:46 PM
Anyways I'm booking a flight down the 11/12th to go see it. I don't see how I could turn this down. We'll see how the conversation this weekend goes.

Any notes on informing my current job/boss on acceptance? I assume 2 weeks standard but as a contractor don't think they'd really care/need it. I feel bad as my boss is super cool/doesn't hassle me or such but hey that's life.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: ysette9 on June 27, 2019, 02:44:16 PM
Good for you! Good luck and please keep us posted. We are all rooting for you and hope this turns out to be a wonderful career and life opportunity that you've been looking for.

Don't say anything until you have a signed offer in writing. Once you do, 2 weeks is a good amount of time for notice. Technically I have always been an "at will" employee, meaning they could show me the door at any time for any reason, and I could quit at any time for any reason. In practice I've always seen people give 2 weeks unless they are walked out for some kind of fraud.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: caracarn on June 27, 2019, 03:24:03 PM
I would absolutely give 2 weeks.  Not only is it standard, it does not burn bridges and even though moving to a new city, it can be amazing how things work.  I had a new boss come in to one company when I worked in IL.  I left and moved to TN for a job.  When I left that job, he was the guy who took my job in TN.  We did not run into each other per se, but when I then moved to OH and left my first job here, I actually watched his LinkedIn profile to see if he took that job too.  He did not but it was weird enough I watched it.  So you never know how that boss might play in your career again.  He's not causing you pain now.  Leave on good terms.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: Slow&Steady on June 28, 2019, 07:06:11 AM
I would absolutely give 2 weeks.  Not only is it standard, it does not burn bridges and even though moving to a new city, it can be amazing how things work.  I had a new boss come in to one company when I worked in IL.  I left and moved to TN for a job.  When I left that job, he was the guy who took my job in TN.  We did not run into each other per se, but when I then moved to OH and left my first job here, I actually watched his LinkedIn profile to see if he took that job too.  He did not but it was weird enough I watched it.  So you never know how that boss might play in your career again.  He's not causing you pain now.  Leave on good terms.

I can agree with this... I have reached out to old bosses in the past and used them not only as a reference but as a contact to get my foot in the door somewhere new.  Do not burn the boss bridge.
Title: Re: Uprooting my life for a career opportunity in another state. Pros and cons?
Post by: ysette9 on August 30, 2019, 12:24:15 PM
Hi there. I see from another thread you started that you are alive and working on making your new job a go. I hope you are doing well and just wanted to say that we havenít forgotten about you. Wishing you the best.