Author Topic: UPDATE: Parents ask me to make worst financial decision imaginable...  (Read 54872 times)

AlwaysLearningToSave

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How about refusing to discuss with your parents? Anytime they bring it up, you respond with, "have brother call me and I'll discuss the situation directly with him.". 

Then if your brother does actually call you can tell him no and advise him to use non-private loans.

If your parents ask again, respond "brother and I already talked about a plan (him using non-private loans) but if brother still has questions, he can call me again".

If they try to convince you, just keep responding that you're happy to discuss that directly with brother.

I really, really like this!

Do this.  Don't let your brother off the hook by letting him make things weird between you and your parents.  You don't have to say no to them.  You can say it to him.

+2.  I like this.  Your brother is getting the benefit so he should be the one asking you.  Your parents are only asking you because they can't do it themselves and they probably think there is a better chance that they can get you to cosign than if your brother were to ask.  Make him do his own dirty work, then tell him no for all of the reasons outlined so far. 

robartsd

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Re: Parents just asked me make the worst financial decision, please help!
« Reply #51 on: August 20, 2015, 11:47:29 AM »
Very much agree with that one, Gizmo. I have told my dad several times that even though he pays me on time, I'd really like for him to stop using the card because I feel like he's spending irresponsibly/above his means, but he insists that I shouldn't be annoyed, because he always pays, and hey, I'm getting free credit card points!

I've seen advice for putting your kid's name on your credit card to help them build credit score - but the advice also included not letting them actually have the card.

GizmoTX

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Are you making the payments on the loans your parents co-signed for you?
If there are loans they took out for you, you should agree on what you owe for those & make payments directly to the lender until your obligation is taken care of. Don't give the money to your parents unless they've already retired the loan.

sheepstache

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Re: Parents just asked me make the worst financial decision, please help!
« Reply #53 on: August 20, 2015, 11:57:20 AM »
I do feel bad because I have talked money with my parents quite a bit...they know that I am rapidly paying off my loans and starting to invest heavily, but that I am very frugal and responsible even though I have money. I regret telling them so much about my strong financial situation, but they are the ones I go to for advice, and normally they are very reasonable and helpful. They also co-signed for my loans when I was starting school, but I feel like that was a very different situation. I am really mad at them for putting me in this position, but hopefully they will understand.

But as you say, your parents were rather well off when they did this for you. They probably had a lot of assets like equity in their house, etc. It's a different story for a young person who is just starting to make their way in life. You need to save money for a rainy day and for the down payment of a house, car purchase, etc., etc. (not that these will cost you a lot since you're a mustachian, but this is a context they will understand). Co-signing for a loan in your situation will have a more negative affect on your credit rating than it did for them (I have no idea if this is true).

After you say no, I would stop talking to them about money at all. Don't let them or anyone else in your family know that you're "investing heavily," your net worth, etc. You have to be stealth from now on.

LoneWolfstache

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 Don't do it, trust those little flags that go off in your gut. Do the math so you can shut them up with hard numbers and fact to back up your emotional discontent. Foolproof.

cashstasherat23

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Are you making the payments on the loans your parents co-signed for you?
If there are loans they took out for you, you should agree on what you owe for those & make payments directly to the lender until your obligation is taken care of. Don't give the money to your parents unless they've already retired the loan.

I am not, and they have never asked me to pay the portion that they have in their name. I actually don't even know if my name is on them at all, which I guess is bad, and I should find that out.  What they said to each of us when we were in high school was that our only job was to get a good education, get good grades, and afterwards, get a good job, and that they would take care of college, essentially. I have done that, but now that I am out of college and heading towards a stable financial situation, I feel that it would be the right thing to do to offer to help pay the loans.

Ghzbani

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How about refusing to discuss with your parents? Anytime they bring it up, you respond with, "have brother call me and I'll discuss the situation directly with him.". 

Then if your brother does actually call you can tell him no and advise him to use non-private loans.

If your parents ask again, respond "brother and I already talked about a plan (him using non-private loans) but if brother still has questions, he can call me again".

If they try to convince you, just keep responding that you're happy to discuss that directly with brother.

That's a great tactic that I've used a couple times in similar --though certainly not as extreme -- situations. Wholeheartedly recommend this tactic!

I'm a red panda

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Re: Parents just asked me make the worst financial decision, please help!
« Reply #57 on: August 20, 2015, 12:23:15 PM »


I've seen advice for putting your kid's name on your credit card to help them build credit score - but the advice also included not letting them actually have the card.

My husband is always really mad that my credit history extends before I was born- because my Dad did this.
I did get the cards though. And used them responsibly. 

cashstasherat23

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Re: Parents just asked me make the worst financial decision, please help!
« Reply #58 on: August 20, 2015, 12:26:41 PM »


I've seen advice for putting your kid's name on your credit card to help them build credit score - but the advice also included not letting them actually have the card.

My husband is always really mad that my credit history extends before I was born- because my Dad did this.
I did get the cards though. And used them responsibly.

My parents actually did this for me too...I was on their AMEX account for many years in high school and college, which I think is part of the reason I started out with great credit. Incidentally, another thing that my dad says to make the case for me letting him use my card now.

BBub

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Re: Parents just asked me make the worst financial decision, please help!
« Reply #59 on: August 20, 2015, 01:55:18 PM »
After you say no, I would stop talking to them about money at all. Don't let them or anyone else in your family know that you're "investing heavily," your net worth, etc. You have to be stealth from now on.
+1

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

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Re: Parents just asked me make the worst financial decision, please help!
« Reply #60 on: August 20, 2015, 01:59:52 PM »


I've seen advice for putting your kid's name on your credit card to help them build credit score - but the advice also included not letting them actually have the card.

My husband is always really mad that my credit history extends before I was born- because my Dad did this.
I did get the cards though. And used them responsibly.

Oh, I thought credit reports were just not figuring out what had happened that they had a credit history older than I am. Didn't know that this is something one can do on purpose. Thanks, Dad!

BBub

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How can you put someone on a credit card before they are born?  When adding my wife as an authorized user I had to provide her name, bday, SSN, etc.

Kroaler

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Just say no.  Don't enable anyone.   I had a brother headed down the wrong way financially cause I kept getting put on the spot to enable his behavior financially.  One day I finally said no.     Long story short he's now a productive working member of society.        Also stealth wealth man, from now on.   You need to have the cheapest car in your family to avoid future issues.

2Birds1Stone

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Another vote for NO

cashstasherat23

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Just say no.  Don't enable anyone.   I had a brother headed down the wrong way financially cause I kept getting put on the spot to enable his behavior financially.  One day I finally said no.     Long story short he's now a productive working member of society.        Also stealth wealth man, from now on.   You need to have the cheapest car in your family to avoid future issues.

Hah! Funny that you mention that...my dad actually got me set up with my first car, a little $1,500 beater that one of his friends was selling. Used my graduation money to buy it, have had it for two years now, and it's been great so far!

That's whats pretty hard about this. Most of the time, my parents are very helpful and have given me great advice.  My mom has given me advice on job hunting and salary negotiations. My dad helps with car repairs and got me starting in investing and the stock market. However, I think that now I'm heading down a different path, or just becoming an adult (eek!) and I'll have to keep my mouth shut.

Cassie

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When he doesn't pay it will tear the family apart & be worse then if you had refused initially. It is not fair for your parents to even ask.

Kaikou

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How can you put someone on a credit card before they are born?  When adding my wife as an authorized user I had to provide her name, bday, SSN, etc.

I would like to know too.

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

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How can you put someone on a credit card before they are born?  When adding my wife as an authorized user I had to provide her name, bday, SSN, etc.

I would like to know too.

You don't. But if they're on an account you had before they were born it seems like it shows up as that account's age of credit history. A reason I hadn't thought of to keep a card.

Paul der Krake

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How can you put someone on a credit card before they are born?  When adding my wife as an authorized user I had to provide her name, bday, SSN, etc.

I would like to know too.

You don't. But if they're on an account you had before they were born it seems like it shows up as that account's age of credit history. A reason I hadn't thought of to keep a card.
Yup. Makes for some funny conversations when someone is checking your credit for some application and the person in charge pulls the report and goes "alright, it looks like your average account is... wait a second, it says 25 years... but you're only 22 years old... wait a second while I call my supervisor..."

Fuzz

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Re: Parents just asked me make the worst financial decision, please help!
« Reply #69 on: August 20, 2015, 05:04:17 PM »
OP, mixed in with this is your challenge to change your child-parent relationship to an adult-adult one. The responsible child wants to please parents, but this dynamic has to change for you to become an autonomous adult. I am not saying abandon your relatives, but don't let them pull a guilt trip on you either. Your role now is to create your own family of loved ones & friends.

I really like this.

You're in a tough spot.

Also, I think you should transition out of having your dad as an authorized user. Maybe only do it for another year? They need to be responsible for their own decisions.

ambimammular

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But he's your baby brother, you HAVE to say yes!!

Naw, just kidding. Tell little bro to put on his big boy pants. I would laugh off that request like the sad joke it is.

cincystache

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I would never willingly co-sign for any debt for anyone, ever, period. You have nothing to gain from doing this and everything to lose. I'm not just talking financially either, you aren't doing your brother any favors by teaching him that SOMEONE ELSE will always be there to bail his butt out, the same goes for your parents. Tough love is in order here. He shouldn't be taking out loans in the first place. He should go to community college and learn a trade while living at home and paying his way through, no student loans.

I'm not a huge fan of Dave Ramsey on the whole, but I would love to hear his response to this one...

Best of luck, I hope when you say no, your family respects you and doesn't try to guilt you in to changing your mind.

okits

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Have you responded yet?  How did it go?

(Put me in the "no, NO, NO!!!!" camp on this one, BTW.)

LeRainDrop

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Are you making the payments on the loans your parents co-signed for you?
If there are loans they took out for you, you should agree on what you owe for those & make payments directly to the lender until your obligation is taken care of. Don't give the money to your parents unless they've already retired the loan.

I am not, and they have never asked me to pay the portion that they have in their name. I actually don't even know if my name is on them at all, which I guess is bad, and I should find that out.  What they said to each of us when we were in high school was that our only job was to get a good education, get good grades, and afterwards, get a good job, and that they would take care of college, essentially. I have done that, but now that I am out of college and heading towards a stable financial situation, I feel that it would be the right thing to do to offer to help pay the loans.

I feel like your family is my family, and you are me.  So much of what you have said resonates with my family experience.  I have the UMC parents who gave me lots of financial support growing up and in college and gave me lots of good financial advice, yet ended up tanking themselves financially, and the irresponsible younger (middle) brother who made lots of bad choices, spent all his money, mooched off parents, felt he deserved financing of his "dream" by other family members, even though he was a quitter but delusionally believed he was a hard-worker.  So, about three years ago, my parents ended up pressuring me and my youngest brother to give them very substantial loans to bail them out of their financial collapse (in a matter of months, several things came to a head -- crazy over-extending themselves with monthly expenses, paying interest only on nearly all their loans, two lay-offs, divorce, and needing to sell our 30-year house).  Then, my middle brother and my parents pressured me and my youngest brother to loan a few grand to the middle brother, as the parents had already fully tapped-out their cash and credit to give to him.  At the time of these loans, I was barely 30, and youngest brother was 25.

Anyhow, at this point, things have turned a corner for the better, but it has been an extremely stressful, dramatic, emotionally draining, and scarring experience over the last few years.  As someone who has essentially been in your position but caved, please let me warn you, tell them HELL NO!!!!!  Actually, say "no" politely but very firmly.  Do not get into a discussion of why or why not, just, "I'm sorry, but no I cannot do that.  I've made my decision, and I'm not comfortable discussing this any further."

It was so, so, so hard for me to battle my feelings of guilt at the thought of saying "no" to desperate family members, and I lost that battle and loaned the money.  So, I totally get where you are coming from and your internal struggle to wrestle with how to handle this.  But I eventually learned to set up boundaries -- boundaries with family is a VERY important lesson that took counseling for me.  After those loans, Bank of Older Sister and Younger Brother closed shop.  I am fortunate to report that, at this time, all borrowers are paying us back, but it was still a poor decision for me to concede to that lending relationship, especially as to middle brother.  It changed the family dynamic in ways that I wish not.  It has been emotionally damaging for me, and I feel compelled to steer you away from this outcome.

Oh, and the reason I originally quoted this part of the thread is that you can find out whether your name is on any of the student loans your parents still have for your college education very easily by requesting your free credit report online.  This will list all your credit cards, real estate loans, auto loans, student loans, and other.  You'll be able to see which are still open and what the current balance on each is, as of the last time the lender reported it to the credit bureau (typically within the last month or two).  There are a number of ways to get your free credit report; every six months, I use www.quizzle.com, which provides the Equifax report for free.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2015, 12:09:44 AM by LeRainDrop »

JJNL

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+1 in the HELL NO camp. And for that matter:
- please, please, please get your Dad off your credit card
- untangle your finances from your parents' if they are still somehow connected through loans
- talk once (ONCE) about what you and they feel you owe them for college until you agree
- pay that back, if any
- and from then on you and they stand on your own two feet financially and never mix finances again.

Also, they sound like the last people you should be asking advice about finances from. You have a much better financial head on your shoulders than they do, so you don't need their advice. And they've just shown you that they will use the information you've given them to wheedle you into making poor financial choices out of guilt in the interest of your sibling, who is a) a grown-ass adult who should be able to support himself and b) their problem if he comes running to mama and daddy for money, and most certainly not yours. They are REALLY out of line on that one. Being in eachother's financial lives will ruin your family dynamic in the long run, so stop it! There's a whole forum-load of people to ask for advice right here, for starters.

Lastly, your parents are responsible for their own financial situation. You might want to start thinking about what you'll do when they themselves come asking you for money, because they're broke. It sounds like this might not be too far in the future. I agree with the last poster that even then the answer should be NO, even though that would be hard. Don't let them drag you down with them. Of course you will want to help, but offer help in kind. Like letting them stay in your basement for a while, going through their finances with them and giving them advice (they are the kids here who should be listening to financially adult you, for Chrissakes), helping them put stuff on Craigslist etc. But under NO circumstances give them any cash, you do NOT owe them that!

BTW, I have very fiscally responsible parents, but a younger sister who used to be a lot like your brother: living on my parent's dime, enrolling and failing at one school after another b/c of laziness, partying etc. She only wised up after my parents decided to cut her off. They found her a rented apartment, moved her and some furniture out, filled the fridge and gave her a few months rent, and basically said: you are an adult now, from here on out you're on your own. This was the hardest thing my parents ever did, and they fought about it a lot, but it was also the best thing they could have done for her.  After the money ran out my sis was forced to get a job, and found out that with 0 education all she could do was jobs that sucked. She got her act together and started putting herself through college afterwards. My parents did go back to supporting her then, but only after she'd proven that she was serious this time around by passing all her exams in her first year. This time around, she took the opportunity given and graduated with flying colours. What I'm trying to say is this: some people really do need to learn the hard way. Bumping their nose into the wall is the only way they'll learn. The best and kindest thing you can do for them, is allowing them to do so.

Rural

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Say no and cancel your dad's card to remove the temptation to use it to pay little brother's tuition.


Oh, and +1 to refusing to discuss consigning with your parents - say no to little brother.

I'm a red panda

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If your parents are in the financial trouble they are, you NEED to remove your Dad as an authorized user of your credit card.  That's basically co-signing a loan for him!

Yes, you say your parents helped you out with your loans; but well, they are the parents, you are not!

Make sure they don't starve, help them out where you can- but do not give them free reign to spend your money!

cashstasherat23

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Have you responded yet?  How did it go?

(Put me in the "no, NO, NO!!!!" camp on this one, BTW.)

I did respond, but it didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped. I actually was out on a date, but stepped away quickly to call them, as I knew they we're waiting to hear from me. I told my mom, and she was not happy about it. She just said why not? And I told her that I couldn't make that kind of commitment, and some of the other reasons given. She didn't accept it, but said we could talk about it later. She sounded really disappointed, and maybe a little angry. I'll have to give the family a call again later tonight to discuss, but I was truly not expecting that reaction...although I'm shocked she asked me too, so I guess I don't know her as well as I thought! Will definitely keep you all posted on the situation as it evolves.

Pigeon

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I would absolutely say no.  There is no upside for you in co-signing, and truth be told, there's really no long-term upside for your brother.

He has options, even with his track record, should he decide to turn himself around.  He could live at home and continue at cc for another year while working.  He could look for companies that offer tuition reimbursement to help him out.  Starbucks has a program for people who want to get online degrees. Around here, local grocery store chains offer some tuition reimbursement.  It will take him longer than 4 years, but so will starting out at a bunch of different colleges, majoring in partying and racking up loans.  The tuition reimbursement route would help him stay on track because he'd have to get decent grades to get reimbursed.

fitfrugalfab

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Have you responded yet?  How did it go?

(Put me in the "no, NO, NO!!!!" camp on this one, BTW.)

I did respond, but it didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped. I actually was out on a date, but stepped away quickly to call them, as I knew they we're waiting to hear from me. I told my mom, and she was not happy about it. She just said why not? And I told her that I couldn't make that kind of commitment, and some of the other reasons given. She didn't accept it, but said we could talk about it later. She sounded really disappointed, and maybe a little angry. I'll have to give the family a call again later tonight to discuss, but I was truly not expecting that reaction...although I'm shocked she asked me too, so I guess I don't know her as well as I thought! Will definitely keep you all posted on the situation as it evolves.


When you speak to your family tonight, you should make sure your brother is involved. IT's because of this situation that you're in this uncomfortable predicament. Stay strong and good luck!

I'm a red panda

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Have you responded yet?  How did it go?

(Put me in the "no, NO, NO!!!!" camp on this one, BTW.)

I did respond, but it didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped. I actually was out on a date, but stepped away quickly to call them, as I knew they we're waiting to hear from me. I told my mom, and she was not happy about it. She just said why not? And I told her that I couldn't make that kind of commitment, and some of the other reasons given. She didn't accept it, but said we could talk about it later. She sounded really disappointed, and maybe a little angry. I'll have to give the family a call again later tonight to discuss, but I was truly not expecting that reaction...although I'm shocked she asked me too, so I guess I don't know her as well as I thought! Will definitely keep you all posted on the situation as it evolves.


I'm really sorry you are having to go through family drama due to saying no.  It may be uncomfortable for awhile.
But there would have been family drama and massive resentment on your part if you did cosign too. Because you know very well it would not end well.

Your parents basically put you in an impossible situation designed to fail.  That really sucks.

GizmoTX

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I did respond, but it didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped. I actually was out on a date, but stepped away quickly to call them, as I knew they we're waiting to hear from me. I told my mom, and she was not happy about it. She just said why not? And I told her that I couldn't make that kind of commitment, and some of the other reasons given. She didn't accept it, but said we could talk about it later. She sounded really disappointed, and maybe a little angry. I'll have to give the family a call again later tonight to discuss, but I was truly not expecting that reaction...although I'm shocked she asked me too, so I guess I don't know her as well as I thought! Will definitely keep you all posted on the situation as it evolves.

Your mom is reacting this way because you are taking their easy solution to younger brother's problem off the table. Maybe it means YB will move out of their house, which your parents may desperately want. I would not expect anything but anger at you daring to say no to them. Expect tons of guilt about "all the help they gave you". DONT LET IT MAKE YOU SAY YES. YB did not do his "job" in school -- it's up to him now, not your parents & certainly not you.

If YB really wanted university, he'd work full time, save his money, & not need private student loans. He should be able to get federal loans in his own name & of course it depends on how pricy the next university is. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Your parents need to understand that their actions are pushing you away.

Bearded Man

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I don't even know why this has to be a question, your brother steals from you and other family, is irresponsible and careless. He and your parents financial burdens are not your problems.

It's one thing to help out family in need, when they are honest and generally responsible, but other than you (congrats by the way), your family, especially your brother, makes poor choices while they live it up and expect you to foot the bill to "fix it".

DO NOT SIGN ON HIS LOANS. I predict he will drop out and default.

RyanAtTanagra

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She didn't accept it

It's not her decision, there's nothing to 'accept'.  Good job, saying 'no' to family is hard.  It's easy for us to tell you to do it, but actually doing so is a whole other story.  Now even more important than the initial no is to stand your ground.  If you cave you'll be teaching your entire family that you're a push-over and if they hound you they'll get what they want.

AlwaysLearningToSave

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Have you responded yet?  How did it go?

(Put me in the "no, NO, NO!!!!" camp on this one, BTW.)

I did respond, but it didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped. I actually was out on a date, but stepped away quickly to call them, as I knew they we're waiting to hear from me. I told my mom, and she was not happy about it. She just said why not? And I told her that I couldn't make that kind of commitment, and some of the other reasons given. She didn't accept it, but said we could talk about it later. She sounded really disappointed, and maybe a little angry. I'll have to give the family a call again later tonight to discuss, but I was truly not expecting that reaction...although I'm shocked she asked me too, so I guess I don't know her as well as I thought! Will definitely keep you all posted on the situation as it evolves.

Stay strong.  I feel for you on how hard it is.  My family has the same track record of coddling a sibling and exerting unfair emotional pressure.  I feel like this could be my mother.  DO NOT attempt to explain or justify your decision.  In this short telephone conversation she has already shown that she will not accept any rational explanation for the decision.  If you try to explain your decision, she will meet every reason you give why you are not willing to do it with a reason why you should and it will only end when you either cave or shut down the conversation completely because she won't give up on it.  Shut the conversation down as early as possible to avoid the drawn-out, emotionally charged conversation and to ensure you don't unwittingly cave.  Firmly, but politely say that you've made your decision and are not willing to discuss it any further with your parents. 

It sucks and it will be hard.  But you can do it.  I've been there and gotten through it and can tell you it is better from the other side.  Things will not be the same because you are changing the family dynamics to a more adult-adult relationship rather than parent-child relationship.  The change will good for everyone in the long term, even though it will be painful for everyone involved in the short term. 

AlwaysLearningToSave

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Now even more important than the initial no is to stand your ground.  If you cave you'll be teaching your entire family that you're a push-over and if they hound you they'll get what they want.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This is right on the money.  You are teaching your family how to treat you.  This is a very critical time to define how you will relate to your family as an adult.  Stand firm now or this will continue to be a problem for a long time. 

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DO NOT attempt to explain or justify your decision. 

Yes.  This is such good advice.  When you talk to her later and she brings it up, your response should be "we already discussed this and I said no.  There is nothing more I have to say about it."  Then try to change the subject, like how about this recent date you went on!  Surely she cares about that. 

If she keeps coming back to it, then you should end the conversation/visit/phone call.  Look at this as a wonderful opportunity to set up boundaries.  It is outrageous that they even asked, and this is a good time to teach them that was they did was totally inappropriate, unfair, and something you won't allow in the future.

You have already told them no and that was the hard part!  Great job! 

gillstone

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You did the right thing by saying no.  Part of building an adult relationship with your parents is setting boundaries and sometimes parents don't respond well to having those boundaries set. 

You did the hardest part (saying no).  And I'm sorry but the follow-up won't be very easy either because it means holding to that answer without wavering.  This isn't a place for compromise.  This is your financial well-being at stake as well as your relationship with your family.  The short-term drama of now pales in comparison to the drama of your brother dropping out and defaulting on the debt.

Best of luck





James

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Have you responded yet?  How did it go?

(Put me in the "no, NO, NO!!!!" camp on this one, BTW.)

I did respond, but it didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped. I actually was out on a date, but stepped away quickly to call them, as I knew they we're waiting to hear from me. I told my mom, and she was not happy about it. She just said why not? And I told her that I couldn't make that kind of commitment, and some of the other reasons given. She didn't accept it, but said we could talk about it later. She sounded really disappointed, and maybe a little angry. I'll have to give the family a call again later tonight to discuss, but I was truly not expecting that reaction...although I'm shocked she asked me too, so I guess I don't know her as well as I thought! Will definitely keep you all posted on the situation as it evolves.


Please don't read too much into the disappointment. I would bet she is hugely disappointed in her son who didn't finish college and spends on his money on crap. And probably hugely disappointed with herself for not being in a position to help and needing to ask you. The disappointment with you is misplaced and hopefully won't last, she is hoping without any reason that this would be the winning lottery ticket to her disappointment with her son. You are just the messenger, remain calm and pleasant through any conversations, don't get defensive or angry, they are trying to help and you are just doing what you have to do.

cashstasherat23

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DO NOT attempt to explain or justify your decision. 

Yes.  This is such good advice.  When you talk to her later and she brings it up, your response should be "we already discussed this and I said no.  There is nothing more I have to say about it."  Then try to change the subject, like how about this recent date you went on!  Surely she cares about that. 

If she keeps coming back to it, then you should end the conversation/visit/phone call.  Look at this as a wonderful opportunity to set up boundaries.  It is outrageous that they even asked, and this is a good time to teach them that was they did was totally inappropriate, unfair, and something you won't allow in the future.

You have already told them no and that was the hard part!  Great job!

Yeahhhh...I kind of got into explaining reasons last night, and just started rambling. Going to keep it much more concise tonight and just say no. Will need to work up to asking my dad to get off my credit card, but that's a whole other thing that will take a few weeks to figure out.

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

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Or you could just cancel his card and say it's obvious that they don't have your interests at heart if they're asking you to cosign your brother's loans.

I'm a red panda

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Depending on how it will effect your credit- you might consider just getting a different card and canceling that one altogether.

Just say it was stolen, and the account was canceled. 
Or, I guess without getting a totally new card, you could just call them and ask them to change the account number and send you a single new card, removing Dad as authorized user.

I have a hard time thinking of how I would deal with this, because I cannot imagine parents putting me in this situation.  And my in-laws are in a very similar situation to your parents; but thankfully they see a boundary line and haven't asked DH to cosign a loan for his sister, or use our credit cards!

neo von retorch

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You are communicating and enforcing your boundaries. Remember a few things - you are responsible for yourself and dependents, but others that you care about, you are only responsible to (meaning, be honest, communicate your boundaries, but do not take on their responsibilities.) It's OK to hurt, but do not harm (meaning, they might not like it, they may complain and express that they are hurt, but you are not doing them any damage!) Boundaries do need to be communicated (but probably do not need justified - the justification is that you are responsible for taking care of yourself, living your life, making adult decisions.) So you only need to communicate what you are or are not willing to do, based on what is best for yourself. (It doesn't need to sound particularly selfish, but you can stress that you are making decisions based on your needs.)

cashstasherat23

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Or you could just cancel his card and say it's obvious that they don't have your interests at heart if they're asking you to cosign your brother's loans.

That will work too. That's why I want to have them removed from my cards...I trusted them, but the way that this is going down, I don't really trust them to have access to my finances at all anymore.

hodedofome

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I had a friend who's dad tried to get him to cosign a loan for him. He went to our senior pastor who is extremely experienced in counseling people through family situations like this. He just looked at my friend and said "you wouldn't give a drunk a drink would you ?"

If someone is addicted to spending money/irresponsibility or whatever it is, giving them more money will just hurt them, not help them. Until they hit rock bottom and decide to change, there's not much you can do.


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Candace

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How about refusing to discuss with your parents? Anytime they bring it up, you respond with, "have brother call me and I'll discuss the situation directly with him.". 

Then if your brother does actually call you can tell him no and advise him to use non-private loans.

If your parents ask again, respond "brother and I already talked about a plan (him using non-private loans) but if brother still has questions, he can call me again".

If they try to convince you, just keep responding that you're happy to discuss that directly with brother.

That's a great tactic that I've used a couple times in similar --though certainly not as extreme -- situations. Wholeheartedly recommend this tactic!

Piling on to the list of people who recommend this. It makes sense. Refuse to discuss it with your parents. Only discuss it with your brother. Let your brother deal with why you aren't going to co-sign.

Good luck, and best wishes.

Kaikou

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Or you could just cancel his card and say it's obvious that they don't have your interests at heart if they're asking you to cosign your brother's loans.

That will work too. That's why I want to have them removed from my cards...I trusted them, but the way that this is going down, I don't really trust them to have access to my finances at all anymore.

Just be honest and true to yourself. You won't regret that.

AlwaysLearningToSave

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I trusted them, but the way that this is going down, I don't really trust them to have access to my finances at all anymore.

The loss of trust in my family members was the hardest thing for me to work through when I went through experiences similar to this (though definitely not the same as this).  The sooner you realize that you are the only person whom you can trust to look after your interests, the better.  Just remember that this doesn't mean you cannot trust your parents at all.  You can learn to trust different people with different parts of your life.  As you've said, your parents can still give you good advice in other areas of your life and you can trust the advice you receive from them in these other areas.  But I think you are very wise to decide that you no longer trust your parents with access to your finances. 

EDIT:  Kudos to you for taking responsibility for yourself and for doing these difficult things at a young age.  There are a lot of people who take far longer to take these steps, or never take them at all.  You will be better off in the long run for having done it. 
« Last Edit: August 21, 2015, 09:55:08 AM by AlwaysLearningToSave »

GizmoTX

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I trusted them, but the way that this is going down, I don't really trust them to have access to my finances at all anymore.

The loss of trust in my family members was the hardest thing for me to work through when I went through experiences similar to this (though definitely not the same as this).  The sooner you realize that you are the only person whom you can trust to look after your interests, the better.  Just remember that this doesn't mean you cannot trust your parents at all.  You can learn to trust different people with different parts of your life.  As you've said, your parents can still give you good advice in other areas of your life and you can trust the advice you receive from them in these other areas.  But I think you are very wise to decide that you no longer trust your parents with access to your finances. 

EDIT:  Kudos to you for taking responsibility for yourself and for doing these difficult things at a young age.  There are a lot of people who take far longer to take these steps, or never take them at all.  You will be better off in the long run for having done it.
+1

Don't cancel your CC, as this will negatively affect your credit rating. Just remove your dad as an authorized user; your monthly settle up time is a good choice. In the meantime, call your CC issuer to set a limit on his spending; your credit limit should not be his, & if it spikes, you will be affected. Total spending on a card should be no more than 20% of the credit limit, or your credit score will suffer.

cincystache

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I'm sorry you are going through this.

I agree with the advice to get your parents as far as possible from your finances, no credit cards, no cosigning.

Tell them you will cosign if they can get Dave Ramsey's blessing on the air :-)