I think your feelings are totally legitimate but I also think you should apologize for how you conveyed them. You guys sound like a great team, and your husband is literally building your family a house in his spare time? He's clearly a hard working badass in a lot of ways, not some hopeless fuck-up. I think he deserves to be treated like and spoken to as the valuable partner he is. I think you know you could have handled your messaging to him a bit better, and it costs nothing for you to acknowledge that for him. For the record, I also think he should apologize for violating his word, and your trust. :) Congrats on the new baby and the new house!
I was not expecting everyone to be so on my side in this. This is definitely more the response I was expecting, and I agree. I have apologized and I know I shouldn't have said what I did to him. But he says whenever I apologize for something it's "I'm sorry, but..." And this time is no exception! I am sorry I said that, but I also feel justified in being upset with him. That's hard for him because he just feels insulted. And even harder for him is that yes, he is an awesome badass doing so much for our family! So being insulted by his wife is extra insulting for him.
Thanks for the congrats, the baby actually turns one next month! And we threw solar up on the new house courtesy of A&R - used that NWEdible referral, so thanks for that too!
My husband gets mad at me for this too. Maybe try this, "Hey, I know our conversation the other day got a little out of hand. I think we both screwed up. I saw that you didn't stick to our agreement about spending money and I got frustrated. While I still would like to discuss the problem and figure out how to resolve it, I should have never talked to you the way that I did. I'm sorry." This puts the "but" as the explanation beforehand for the unqualified apology. Erica also puts it well.
Also, take what we say with a huge grain of salt. Most non-mustachians would think you way overreacted to the budget issue I suspect...
What's the real problem?
Managing how much is in the account? Not realizing how much is being spent? Having inconvenient access to the $300?
I suspect it's the lack of his interest in your finances that's the real problem.
The real problem is that he doesn't want to stick to $300. He agreed to it (a long time ago) but in reality thinks he deserves more and as someone else said a little further down, since we do well enough and his budget overages don't do our household real damage (besides missed savings opportunity) he thinks that it's okay. He doesn't care that he's robbing from our future happiness/security because he wants to enjoy things now. I need a different angle for getting through to him because what I've used so far clearly hasn't worked. He did agree to $300 because I think theoretically in his brain he realized that's quite a bit of money to piss away on whatever he wants every month. But the lifestyle he actually wants to live doesn't make it enough.
For the record, the overages aren't thousands of dollars, they're hundreds. And they are mainly for fishing gear/bait/licenses, snowmobile parts, or fancy meals and beer. That's him in a nutshell.
So you might want to consider sitting down when you're both calmer and talking about finances in general - people here call it a finance date (get a babysitter). Set out what you pay for bills each month (try to dig into old receipts so you include everything!), how much is going to savings, what that means in terms of saving goals. Then set out the extras - burritos to fishing gear costs by month or year. See if he thinks the $300 needs to be increased and why, or what you can both do to keep it under control.
In general, with an unmustachian partner, loosening up some can help keep you on track more than clamping down. My husband is generally frugal, but he goes apeshit sometimes over things:
- We just threw a party today for my coworkers and he insisted on buying the precut cheese for burgers rather than cutting it up. I let it go. Not mustachian, but not worth the fight for an infrequent occurrence. He is correct it'll be easier.
- He wants to eat out way more often than I do. If I say no too often, we get into a big fight after a while (he is not good at saying "But THIS time is impt to me" - instead he just blows up). So I've learned to 1) point out the CSA veggies we have at home and ask what he wants to do with them (so HE is making the decision no) and 2) agree to go out more often than I want.
I've noticed this trend with other people on the boards. When you clamp down, you get a bad reaction at times. So, my pysch classes say the trick to getting participation is to get people to participate in the decision making, then they'll own the decision more. It seems like he doesn't really agree with the budget so he pretty much ignores it.
And try talking finances with him more. "I bought the chicken on sale so I save $X." Then he'll see how much effort you put into cutting costs and he may start to think about his spending. Make finances more participatory with both of you involved.
And good luck - with two little kids and a house to build you've got a lot on your plate. Don't sweat it right now if you need to let it go some for the greater "good" of the relationship/your sanity.