Author Topic: Trying to help relative - not working out  (Read 7388 times)

rulesofacquisition

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Trying to help relative - not working out
« on: December 06, 2016, 07:05:55 AM »
At the end of March DH & I took in his nephew and nephew's GF - they were living in a car. We are in the Mid-Atlantic US, so winters in a car are no joke. They were told the conditions of living in the house were full time employment or school/work, no drugs in the house, their share of utilities, and saving money so they could move out. So this is what has happened...

1) Nephew gets SSI of $659.70 a month for ADHD. This was arranged by grandmother (she raised him) who is also on disability (she is a con artist, drug addict, user, etc.). He is lazy and didn't graduate HS, he's 20. He's not diabled IMO. He has worked a week at 2 jobs since March, and has no intention of working. When DH told him he needs to get a job soon or leave, he said to give him notice so he can move back into his car. We have let it ride because...

2) GF has anxiety and depression issues. She had lost health insurance a couple years ago, couldn't afford meds, lost job, lost housing, lost car. She got on Medicaid August 1st and got help, has been a different person. Got job in August. Still working.

3) Have found out recently that they have no money saved, she is supposed to be saving for a car (nephew has a car, car and insurance in grandmother's name, he pays). He charges her a fee to drive her various places, like work (5 min. away) or the store. He makes her pay utilities. They argue constantly. There have been physical fights. She has left and come back half a dozen times. They were eating everything, and when told to chip in repeatedly finally started eating out exclusively because eating at the house was "too much drama". Nephew also is getting food from grandmother, who has a long-term bedbug infestation, and I am afraid of infesting my house.

4) Other occupants of house are my son and his fiancee. He works full time and she goes to school full time and works part time. They save $200 a week combined. They also pay 1/3 utilities and no rent. No drama at all.

We wanted to help these people get back on their feet and it obviously is a failure. We have considered charging rent, which will probably just make them leave, or GF will be stuck with bill - yes she's an adult (24) and should dump his sorry ass. This is causing friction between me and DH at times (we are very low key and no drama and I don't like this). I feel used. We have done without basics (lived in sub 50 degree house for 2 winters) and are trying to improve ourselves and I can't believe living in a car hasn't woken these people up. Is there any hope or should we just boot their butts out?

KBecks

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2016, 07:14:32 AM »
Kick him out, let her stay for some cheap rent?   How quick can she save up for a cheap car?

He is doing no good and should be kicked out.  He's broken the rules, let him go back to grandma or whatever.   I think you offer for her to stay with you if she wants to.  I would love for her to get a beater car though.  It's tough.  See if there is charity locally to help  her get on her feet. 
Can you connect with a church or local help organization, a women's shelter, that can give her some love and confidence?

« Last Edit: December 06, 2016, 07:16:23 AM by KBecks »

Frugalman19

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2016, 07:15:30 AM »
I have had many people in my family struggle with addiction problems and some of them just cant hold down a job. I did alot of research and found out that there is a big difference between helping someone and enabling them. And there has to be a point where you draw the line and make the tough decision to let them go and make their own mistakes. From what you wrote, it sounds like there is no helping these kids and they have no intention of leading a fruitful life. You are only giving them a warmer place to sleep at night. As much as you want them to change, some people just dont and dont want to.

I had to kick my dad out into the street for something similar, ultimately he hit rock bottom and worked his way back into a decedent living situation. Family is tough.

FLBiker

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2016, 07:20:54 AM »
Clearly, this isn't a "temporary help to get someone back on their feet" situation.  It is indefinitely providing a couple in their 20s a place to live.  Personally, I wouldn't take that on unless I really liked the couple and considered the mental health issues to be legit.  And it sounds like, for you, neither of these are true.

And I wholeheartedly agree with recognizing the difference between helping and enabling, but the mental health stuff clouds this somewhat.

Kansas Terri

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2016, 07:33:53 AM »
I wonder if you could help *HER* save money? I have done this a couple of times: They give me the money to hold money until they say they want it back. For some reason, this helps them save up for something, such as a car or to pay off a debt.

Better yet, perhaps she can RENT herself an inexpensive car, as the payments are much lower than buying, and then go out on her own. With a job and a car the young lady might not need him.

The thing is, the nephew is an adult, and he will do as he will do. It sounds like he cannot or will not work, and that he has decided to not change this.  And, you cannot MAKE an adult do anything. This is his choice.

Disability pays enough for a person to get a small apartment. He has not done so. This is the choice he has made. He was not living out of a car because of lack of money.   

rulesofacquisition

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2016, 07:38:48 AM »
She has been told she can stay if he leaves/gets kicked out but has said she will not. Foolish.

His monthly social security is about the same as a very cheap apartment in this area, so it would be very difficult for him to be on his own. The money goes to his grandmother, who lies and says he lives there, she is supposed to be housing him and handling his money and affairs.

KBecks

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2016, 07:46:30 AM »
Well, kick him out and re-offer to her that she is welcome to stay because she is working and she's in compliance with the rules.

I have to ask, does she have any family that she can rely on or that you can reach out to?  My main concern is for her being attached to your nephew who is unproductive and basically bringing her down.  If she has no family then I think you are best trying to hook her up with a women's support group, at risk young adult group where she can have some community that is not with him.   It sucks that her job depends on rides from him. 

Where are your nephew's parents, by the way? 

Maybe you reach out to an organization or community and ask them for advice on how to help and maybe talking to them will help you cope better.  It would also help if you can teach her any life skills, cooking, grocery shopping, anything that can help her down the road.   If your nephew is staying then maybe you give him yard work or anything like that where he can learn.  Teach him to cook too.  But maybe hook him up with a men's homeless shelter or a men's support group too.  You don't have to do this alone.  Try to connect them with some community resources.   If they don't go that's their loss but they both need to learn to grow up and support themselves better.   It's like raising adult children.  They need discipline and supervision if you are going to help.   

I think anything you choose to do is OK.  Thank you for caring about them and it is not your fault if it doesn't work out!
« Last Edit: December 06, 2016, 07:54:03 AM by KBecks »

Mr. Green

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2016, 08:10:15 AM »
She has been told she can stay if he leaves/gets kicked out but has said she will not. Foolish.

His monthly social security is about the same as a very cheap apartment in this area, so it would be very difficult for him to be on his own. The money goes to his grandmother, who lies and says he lives there, she is supposed to be housing him and handling his money and affairs.
Are you familiar with how SSI works? My father is disabled due to severe ADHD. He had to be evaluated by several people (psychologist, etc.) at the local Department of Social Services and then those people make a determination regarding a person's status. They don't mess around, especially for someone as young as your nephew, where he may receive benefits for 40 years. If they found that he was disabled, there may very well be something to that. I just wanted to point that out. It sounds like a very tough situation to deal with and sometimes it just can't work no matter how much you want it to. My dad lived with us for a time and it was simply an impossible situation. He has also lived in a truck for a while. Thankfully, we were able to buy a small, inexpensive house a few years back to give him a roof over his head and his SSI was enough to get him stable. It's tough. I hope your nephew can straighten things out.

Kansas Terri

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2016, 08:40:02 AM »


His monthly social security is about the same as a very cheap apartment in this area, so it would be very difficult for him to be on his own.
That is why they invented food stamps. Is he on them? Does grandmother take them? Is he on a waiting list for section 8 housing?

OK, he might or might not be ABLE to work. Not all disabilities are obvious. Also, with that much ADHD he should be seeing a doctor: is he?

rulesofacquisition

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2016, 09:15:27 AM »
Nephew - father (my brother-in-law)in jail, has spent most of adult life in jail, serious mental issues, self medicates with hard drugs, hence jail. Mother also drug addict, not much contact.

GF - father drug addict, recently deceased. Mother and stepfather wil not let her stay with them.

Disablility - grandmother is a serious con, told nephew to say he hears voices, etc. to help disability claim, he used to take a cocktail of pills. He has never heard voices or hallucinated. He did get food stamps but said they stopped, don't know why. He has not seen a Dr. in years. Grandmother gets no food stamps either because he incomes her out.

Help around house - simple grass cutting, weeding, etc. are not done properly (pulling flowers in bloom out instead of weeds, working for 10 minutes and quitting, etc. Will not take any advice or try to learn any skills.

Cpa Cat

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2016, 09:17:51 AM »
It's not working out. Let them go.

Obviously some kind of schism occurred where he and grandma aren't able to live together. It's not clear why grandma is taking all his money when he lives in a car, but it's not really your deal to fix. Tell the girlfriend that you're available if she needs help to get on her feet - for example, she could do her laundry at your house or use your house for a mailing address.

I wouldn't be so quick to assume that he has no disability. Look - his life is majorly dysfunctional. His judgment and decision making skills are clearly lacking. He can't even see that your house is a better situation than living in his cold car. He can't seem to make a living situation work. When he met his girlfriend, she was off her meds with major anxiety and depression issues - that's who he picked as a partner. He gives all his money to his grandma for no apparent reason. Unable to do even basic chores. These things don't stack up into rousing evidence for a neuro-normative human.

But just because there might be something wrong with him mentally, doesn't mean that he needs to live in your house. It would be different if he was in your house saying, "I can't hold down a job, but I can pay you rent and do chores around the house." But this guy's response to everything you say is "TOO MUCH DRAMA!" He's not motivated to do better. You can't force him to try to be a functioning member of a household.

Mr. Green

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #11 on: December 06, 2016, 09:39:37 AM »
Help around house - simple grass cutting, weeding, etc. are not done properly (pulling flowers in bloom out instead of weeds, working for 10 minutes and quitting, etc. Will not take any advice or try to learn any skills.
What you describe there sounds like classic, unmedicated ADHD. My father has the same problems if he stops taking his Adderall.

Is your nephew medicated at all? And if he hasn't seen a doctor in years he may not even be taking the right medication/amount. Unmedicated, my dad can forget to turn the water hose off in the time it takes to walk from the end of the hose to the spigot. We had several instances where the water was left on for a day, resulting in high water bills. If your nephew is on SSI he probably qualifies for medicaid, which would enable him to see a doctor to re-examine his ADHD/prescriptions/etc. Easier said than done though, I know.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2016, 10:39:25 AM by Mr. Green »

rulesofacquisition

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #12 on: December 06, 2016, 10:49:55 AM »
Help around house - simple grass cutting, weeding, etc. are not done properly (pulling flowers in bloom out instead of weeds, working for 10 minutes and quitting, etc. Will not take any advice or try to learn any skills.
What you describe there sounds like classic, unmedicated ADHD. My father has the same problems if he stops taking his Adderall.

Is your nephew medicated at all? And if he hasn't seen a doctor in years he may not even be taking the right medication/amount. Unmedicated, my dad can forget to turn the water hose off in the time it takes to walk from the end of the hose to the spigot. We had several instances where the water was left on for a day, resulting in high water bills. If your nephew is on SSI he probably qualifies for medicaid, which would enable him to see a doctor to re-examine his ADHD/prescriptions/etc. Easier said than done though, I know.

I don't think he's been to a doctor in years, or on meds for years. He refused to take any more meds at some point in his teens. He may have ADHD but not the other issues he was being medicated for, as the grandmother was probably mainly interested in scamming the system for the max payout. Assume he has medicaid but would need to find out.

This is why it's nice to have to have people look at the situation that aren't even remotely involved, you can't see the forest for the trees after a bit.

Catbert

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #13 on: December 06, 2016, 11:55:33 AM »
What does your husband think?  I think the advice you've gotten is good (i.e., kick him out).  I'd give him a 30 day notice.  But is your husband willing to do that?  I suspect that's the rub.

BTW at this point don't start charging them rent.  At least in my state that would make them tenants and you would need to formally evict them.

Mr. Green

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #14 on: December 06, 2016, 12:48:26 PM »
Help around house - simple grass cutting, weeding, etc. are not done properly (pulling flowers in bloom out instead of weeds, working for 10 minutes and quitting, etc. Will not take any advice or try to learn any skills.
What you describe there sounds like classic, unmedicated ADHD. My father has the same problems if he stops taking his Adderall.

Is your nephew medicated at all? And if he hasn't seen a doctor in years he may not even be taking the right medication/amount. Unmedicated, my dad can forget to turn the water hose off in the time it takes to walk from the end of the hose to the spigot. We had several instances where the water was left on for a day, resulting in high water bills. If your nephew is on SSI he probably qualifies for medicaid, which would enable him to see a doctor to re-examine his ADHD/prescriptions/etc. Easier said than done though, I know.

I don't think he's been to a doctor in years, or on meds for years. He refused to take any more meds at some point in his teens. He may have ADHD but not the other issues he was being medicated for, as the grandmother was probably mainly interested in scamming the system for the max payout. Assume he has medicaid but would need to find out.

This is why it's nice to have to have people look at the situation that aren't even remotely involved, you can't see the forest for the trees after a bit.
Wow, he definitely needs some help. Even if his living arrangement with you is untenable, I hope he'll let someone help him try to get to a doctor and he'll go.

honeybbq

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #15 on: December 06, 2016, 12:49:11 PM »
I have had many people in my family struggle with addiction problems and some of them just cant hold down a job. I did alot of research and found out that there is a big difference between helping someone and enabling them.

+1 Find resources to help you figure out the difference.

Kansas Terri

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #16 on: December 06, 2016, 12:52:29 PM »
Can you help him with the phone calls to see why they cut off food stamps? You have to be ORGANIZED to deal with the government, and people with ADHD are not organized.

I agree with the others: the trouble the nephew has with yardwork is what people with ADHD DO! It is also why they have trouble holding a job.

ADHD is a relatively minor problem for my own son: even so I need to supervise him while he works. I am handicapped: I am present and if he drifts off when he is working I remind him with "Finish the laundry", or whatever. He is not ABLE to do housework without a supervisor. I am physically unable to do parts of it. So, I keep an eye on him remind him when he drifts off.

For us, it works. Honestly, it would be simpler if I hired a cleaning lady, but for now we are both getting what we need. On the days he comes over to help I plan to be working next to him, so that I can redirect him when he gets distracted.

Dicey

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #17 on: December 06, 2016, 05:11:13 PM »
The thing is, even the threat of winter's cold hasn't scared them enough to follow your simple rules. Their behavior shows a total lack of respect for you, or anyone. What happens if/when she gets pregnant? Sad to say, but tough love may be the answer for both of them. And change the locks when they go... Wait until after the holidays if you wish, but time to pull the plug.

nancy33

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #18 on: December 07, 2016, 10:20:47 PM »
All of the money probably goes to grandma because she is the payee. If he is a disabled  adult (which he is if he is on social security disability for mental illness) you could report to adult protective services what she is doing. It is considered abuse. They can cut off his disability payments when they review his case if he is not seeing a doctor regularly. He should qualify for section 8 housing. Take him to social services maybe and try to help get him situated? Have the county take over as his payee!

Lyssa

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #19 on: December 08, 2016, 03:41:05 AM »
To me this sounds much more severe than any ADHD case I know.

Also, I consider ADHD to be overdiagnosed. What is -severely- underdiagnosed and might fit the bill better is a mild form of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. A form that is not apparent from physical characteristics but that causes low intelligence, major learning disorders, lack of judgement and impulse control.

His parents both being addicts makes this a more likely possibilty to me than an unusually severe case of ADHD who just by coincidence occured in a highly dysfunctional family of addicts.

So yes: most likely he is not a neurotypical adult. Most likely he has been handicapped from the start by no fault of his own and you can and should feel sorry for him.

However, that does not mean you have a duty to enable him/make his life more comfortable at the expense of your onw health and well being and those of your family. It's a hard choice but you have done everything you can. It's not working. You need to make a change and you can try to give both of them options. If one or both choose living in a car again than that is their choice. The alternative would be to either continue what you are doing for decades or set up society in a way that refuses personal autonomy to people like your nephew and institutionalize them "for their own good".

Truth is: I do not know what his good is. Is it allowing him the maximum amount of freedom despite his brain being wired to make the worst possible decisions or to keep him under a roof and fed but deny any self-determination? What I do know, is that to let a situation like yours continue takes a heavy toll on you and your immediate family. You cannot save everybody.

Dicey

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #20 on: December 08, 2016, 08:19:13 AM »
Wow, Lyssa, you nailed it. Great response.

FIFoFum

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #21 on: December 08, 2016, 08:54:24 AM »
To me this sounds much more severe than any ADHD case I know.

Also, I consider ADHD to be overdiagnosed. What is -severely- underdiagnosed and might fit the bill better is a mild form of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. A form that is not apparent from physical characteristics but that causes low intelligence, major learning disorders, lack of judgement and impulse control.

His parents both being addicts makes this a more likely possibilty to me than an unusually severe case of ADHD who just by coincidence occured in a highly dysfunctional family of addicts.

So yes: most likely he is not a neurotypical adult. Most likely he has been handicapped from the start by no fault of his own and you can and should feel sorry for him.

However, that does not mean you have a duty to enable him/make his life more comfortable at the expense of your onw health and well being and those of your family. It's a hard choice but you have done everything you can. It's not working. You need to make a change and you can try to give both of them options. If one or both choose living in a car again than that is their choice. The alternative would be to either continue what you are doing for decades or set up society in a way that refuses personal autonomy to people like your nephew and institutionalize them "for their own good".

Truth is: I do not know what his good is. Is it allowing him the maximum amount of freedom despite his brain being wired to make the worst possible decisions or to keep him under a roof and fed but deny any self-determination? What I do know, is that to let a situation like yours continue takes a heavy toll on you and your immediate family. You cannot save everybody.

This.

Also, you are describing an abusive relationship between grandmother and nephew that sounds very common in families with drug/alcohol abuse & instability (e.g., parent in jail). There is likely nothing you can do to "fix" this dynamic. The ties your nephew has to grandmother are complex and run deep, so he is likely to continue to engage in push/pull behavior that is harmful to himself, yo-yoing between letting her "take advantage" of his benefits, resources, situation and avoiding her "drama." You might find some good ideas and information & support from people who have taken in foster teens/young adults, many of whom are caught up in these types of cycles with their families and also have FAS disorders. But the bottom line is there is little you can do to change that dynamic. This is more about you getting a better appreciation of the mindset of where your nephew is coming from, how it can affect you and your family, and how you can have empathy.

The other abusive relationship you are describing is between nephew and GF. I don't know what the dynamic is and if it is mutual. But the best you can do here is provide her resources to get support from an org that helps women in domestic violent situations, let her know she is welcome to stay (but nephew is kicked out), and then let her make her own choices. If she does leave, let her know she is welcome to return, so long as she meets your conditions/rules in the future. You can't save everyone. Let her know you are a resource and a safe space, if she's able to make that choice. (And if you don't kick out nephew, you can't say that you are).

rulesofacquisition

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out UPDATE
« Reply #22 on: December 30, 2016, 05:48:15 AM »
To me this sounds much more severe than any ADHD case I know.

Also, I consider ADHD to be overdiagnosed. What is -severely- underdiagnosed and might fit the bill better is a mild form of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. A form that is not apparent from physical characteristics but that causes low intelligence, major learning disorders, lack of judgement and impulse control.

His parents both being addicts makes this a more likely possibilty to me than an unusually severe case of ADHD who just by coincidence occured in a highly dysfunctional family of addicts.

So yes: most likely he is not a neurotypical adult. Most likely he has been handicapped from the start by no fault of his own and you can and should feel sorry for him.

However, that does not mean you have a duty to enable him/make his life more comfortable at the expense of your onw health and well being and those of your family. It's a hard choice but you have done everything you can. It's not working. You need to make a change and you can try to give both of them options. If one or both choose living in a car again than that is their choice. The alternative would be to either continue what you are doing for decades or set up society in a way that refuses personal autonomy to people like your nephew and institutionalize them "for their own good".

Truth is: I do not know what his good is. Is it allowing him the maximum amount of freedom despite his brain being wired to make the worst possible decisions or to keep him under a roof and fed but deny any self-determination? What I do know, is that to let a situation like yours continue takes a heavy toll on you and your immediate family. You cannot save everybody.


This pretty much seems to sum things up.

GF moved out about 3 weeks ago. DH talked to nephew about getting help and told him he had to leave by 12/31, tomorrow (this was weeks ago), if he continued to make no effort. He is packing up to go live in his car. We are in the Mid-atlantic US, and we have a real winter. We are changing the door code tomorrow, nephew and GF were never given actual keys.

I have been in the ER twice in December, appears to be a GI issue, not sure what yet. I have to work or I can't pay my mortgage, so I don't need any more stress than what actually belongs to me personally. I told DH this and I think this was his wake-up call about the situation.

RedwoodDreams

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #23 on: December 30, 2016, 07:23:27 PM »
Help around house - simple grass cutting, weeding, etc. are not done properly (pulling flowers in bloom out instead of weeds, working for 10 minutes and quitting, etc. Will not take any advice or try to learn any skills.
What you describe there sounds like classic, unmedicated ADHD. My father has the same problems if he stops taking his Adderall.

Is your nephew medicated at all? And if he hasn't seen a doctor in years he may not even be taking the right medication/amount. Unmedicated, my dad can forget to turn the water hose off in the time it takes to walk from the end of the hose to the spigot. We had several instances where the water was left on for a day, resulting in high water bills. If your nephew is on SSI he probably qualifies for medicaid, which would enable him to see a doctor to re-examine his ADHD/prescriptions/etc. Easier said than done though, I know.

I don't think he's been to a doctor in years, or on meds for years. He refused to take any more meds at some point in his teens. He may have ADHD but not the other issues he was being medicated for, as the grandmother was probably mainly interested in scamming the system for the max payout. Assume he has medicaid but would need to find out.

This is why it's nice to have to have people look at the situation that aren't even remotely involved, you can't see the forest for the trees after a bit.

Very tough situation, and I admire you for giving it a good try, but it does sound like you've made the right choice here.

btw, SSI isn't a blanket 'for life' benefit. Those receiving SSI (especially at such a young age) have to have a 'continuing disability review' about every 3 years. If nephew was a minor when he was first approved, he might have another review coming up, at which point SSA will want to see that he's been seeing a doc and taking his meds. Might be an opportunity for him to have a new representative payee other than his grandmother, if she's not truly helping him, as it sounds she isn't:

https://www.ssa.gov/ssi/text-cdrs-ussi.htm

Lyssa

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out UPDATE
« Reply #24 on: January 09, 2017, 11:18:10 AM »
To me this sounds much more severe than any ADHD case I know.

Also, I consider ADHD to be overdiagnosed. What is -severely- underdiagnosed and might fit the bill better is a mild form of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. A form that is not apparent from physical characteristics but that causes low intelligence, major learning disorders, lack of judgement and impulse control.

His parents both being addicts makes this a more likely possibilty to me than an unusually severe case of ADHD who just by coincidence occured in a highly dysfunctional family of addicts.

So yes: most likely he is not a neurotypical adult. Most likely he has been handicapped from the start by no fault of his own and you can and should feel sorry for him.

However, that does not mean you have a duty to enable him/make his life more comfortable at the expense of your onw health and well being and those of your family. It's a hard choice but you have done everything you can. It's not working. You need to make a change and you can try to give both of them options. If one or both choose living in a car again than that is their choice. The alternative would be to either continue what you are doing for decades or set up society in a way that refuses personal autonomy to people like your nephew and institutionalize them "for their own good".

Truth is: I do not know what his good is. Is it allowing him the maximum amount of freedom despite his brain being wired to make the worst possible decisions or to keep him under a roof and fed but deny any self-determination? What I do know, is that to let a situation like yours continue takes a heavy toll on you and your immediate family. You cannot save everybody.


This pretty much seems to sum things up.

GF moved out about 3 weeks ago. DH talked to nephew about getting help and told him he had to leave by 12/31, tomorrow (this was weeks ago), if he continued to make no effort. He is packing up to go live in his car. We are in the Mid-atlantic US, and we have a real winter. We are changing the door code tomorrow, nephew and GF were never given actual keys.

I have been in the ER twice in December, appears to be a GI issue, not sure what yet. I have to work or I can't pay my mortgage, so I don't need any more stress than what actually belongs to me personally. I told DH this and I think this was his wake-up call about the situation.

Would have loved to be wrong here but sounds you and your husband made the right choice (especially considering your own health). It must have been hard and probably still is.


meteor

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #25 on: January 09, 2017, 06:34:22 PM »
Man, this all sounds like really bad news.  I'd say get out of this situation ASAP.

rulesofacquisition

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #26 on: January 10, 2017, 11:08:58 AM »
Nephew moved out 12/31. DH is apparently the bad guy according to some of his relatives, because he only gave nephew "2 weeks notice to get a job or leave" when he had 9 months to get a job as part of the initial agreement. Thankfully most of them live 3 hours away, I could start my own blog about these dysfunctional people.

SKL-HOU

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #27 on: January 10, 2017, 11:32:18 AM »
Nephew moved out 12/31. DH is apparently the bad guy according to some of his relatives, because he only gave nephew "2 weeks notice to get a job or leave" when he had 9 months to get a job as part of the initial agreement. Thankfully most of them live 3 hours away, I could start my own blog about these dysfunctional people.

Well they can give the nephew a place to live then.

rulesofacquisition

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #28 on: January 10, 2017, 12:06:15 PM »
One of them threw him out before he moved in with us!

Cativa

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #29 on: January 10, 2017, 05:49:23 PM »
Your poor DH.  He is in no way "the bad guy" here.  Honestly, most people wouldn't have given nephew half the support and chances DH (and you!) gave nephew.

Tell his relatives to take their opinions, wad them up in a ball, and shove them where the sun doesn't shine.

SKL-HOU

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Re: Trying to help relative - not working out
« Reply #30 on: January 10, 2017, 06:13:59 PM »
One of them threw him out before he moved in with us!

Well then they have no room to judge you!