Author Topic: first date and the bill...  (Read 48868 times)

ch12

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #150 on: May 02, 2014, 04:49:23 PM »
Why not show off your badass cooking skills at home? or do a picnic?

+1 to doing a homecooked picnic in a park

-1 for having a first date at home. It's just not safe for anybody. As mentioned above, first dates need to be in public places.

limeandpepper

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #151 on: May 02, 2014, 06:18:00 PM »
Or just don't do first dates. With my boyfriend, we started out as friends and paid our own way, then as romance blossomed, he marked the occasion by getting the bill, instead of splitting it as we usually did. And thereafter, we took turns and these days we mostly just pay for whatever we consume.

athomeintheworld

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #152 on: May 02, 2014, 11:25:00 PM »
I am married....but I think you should be willing to pick up the tab for the first few dates.  I suggest less expensive dates/restaurants etc rather than hoping your date will pay half.  Have some stay at home dates - movie/cook dinner kind of thing.  Very Mustachain and sometimes more fun:)

Nudelkopf

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #153 on: May 03, 2014, 12:45:50 AM »
Well, I'm paying for a guy to come with a ball with me, tonight. Because I was the one who asked. We've hung out a bit, and been on a date or two, but this is probably gonna be it (we're not that compatible). A very non-mustachian evening ahead.

Kaminoge

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #154 on: May 03, 2014, 09:44:11 AM »
Wow. Dating some of you sounds very angsty.

I've done loads of online dating (try living in a culture where you don't speak the language - online dating really is a good option for meeting dates because so many other options are ruled out). I always offered to pay (except for the example I gave a few pages back) - not just my half, I offered to pay. Most of the time it wasn't accepted. Sometimes it was. Sometimes we split the bill. I honestly never thought much about it or used it to judge whether or not I wanted a second date.

With my boyfriend now I have no idea who paid on the first date, I did the asking. And it was extreme asking. He was in Spain, I asked him to come to Bulgaria. Maybe I paid for dinner in light of that.

The second date was a day trip. I drove and paid for fuel. I have no idea who paid for lunch. Probably him. We have never really kept track of making things "even". I don't even know what that would look like. I mean there's so many more things than money. Maybe he pays for more dinners but then he lives with me part of the time and pays no rent. He cooks more than me but I do more cleaning. He gets to live here rent free but then he's the one who has to keep buying plane tickets to Bulgaria to get here.... we're an extreme case but surely for everyone there's a lot more than just money to balance out.

I don't want to be with anyone who is keeping track of every penny. Then again I don't want to be with anyone who's wasteful of money. To me it seems if you're on the same page financially the exact details aren't such a big thing.

spoonman

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #155 on: May 03, 2014, 10:20:44 AM »
I made my wife pay for her half of the bill on our first date...I'm still not hearing the end of it =).

Up to that point, I always paid for the full bill in previous dates with other women, but none of those dates worked out.  So I keep telling my wife that if I had paid the full bill it would have jinxed the whole thing =).

mm1970

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #156 on: May 03, 2014, 11:11:57 AM »
When you take the "him" & "her" out of the equation and just put yourself in my shoes as a dude going on however many dates and I'm always expected to pay then it no longer feels casual/inexpensive to me. More like a chore and something I probably should budget for.
I hardly believe it's about income/affording the date. Rarely have I come across someone who thinks frugal is anything but a 4-letter word. They spend plenty of money going out and so I doubt that they are trying to all of a sudden be frugal wondering if they can afford the $7 wine ($14 in san diego). I agree that if a guy is just trying to test the woman then that's just weird/pathetic and not even helpful. 
I think I'm just bitching about why I'm always expected to pay on dates. And since I'm wining please feel free to face punch.

Be more selective about whom you ask out.  Ask out fewer people, only the ones you like a lot, know pretty well, and would enjoy treating to a coffee or even a meal.  How many dates do you go on each month?  Personally I think it's too much trouble to date more than a few times a month, max.  I'm just not that social.

+1
If this is causing this much stress, I have to agree it sounds like you might want to focus on quality over quantity and cut down on the number of dates.


I'm surprised by how many people are willing to be complacent about being single, or take such a casual approach to dating.

Who you end up with is probably the single biggest, most influential life decision most people will ever make, right up there with having kids or not, and way way above what city to live in, what house or car to buy, or what career to pursue.
You wouldn't say "meh, if the right job comes along, I'll take it" - you go out and look for what you want!

Of course quality matters - if not, you could just go on one date, marry that person, and be done with it.

I've been on 36 first dates, but only 8 third dates.
I've met a number of people (including my ex-wife and one of the women I'm dating now) through regular life, school, work, fun events - but the majority are through the internet, for the simple reason that quality and compatibility matter.
On OKC I can filter for stuff like politics, religion, moral values, education, smoking, whether she has kids, whether she wants kids, frugality... not to mention if she is even single, and if so if she is looking for something serious.  How do you filter for all that stuff at a party?  It saves a whole lot of time.  And then, filter applied, I can read her self summary in text, and decide if I'm interested enough to write her, and then she can look at me and filter and save us some time, or not and we meet up, already knowing we have at least a little more in common than just mutual friends or a single shared hobby or interest.
And even after all that, 1 in 4 neither of us is interested enough for it to go anywhere.
I just keep getting older and older, while still being single, so to some extent it becomes a numbers game - if I made a point of going on fewer dates, just to space them out in principal, or to save money, it would just take that much longer to run across someone compatible.

The suggestions for dates that aren't dinner or drinks are good though.  Some of my best dates were at her place, or meet at farmers market, go back to my place and make lunch with what we bought, or a hike in the woods.  But for some reason most people always want the first one to be at a restaurant.

Well, it's okay to be single.  I know a lot of people who are chronically single.  A lot of my friends were married and divorced and stayed single for decades - as in, they are in their 50's through 70's and have been single since their 20's.

But I do see your point.  It's important to pick the right person.  And I think a lot of people these days (moreso than when I was younger) figure that "it will happen" or "it's okay to be single" for much longer than I did.  And then, when they realize they want children or don't want to be single, they waited long enough that the options are slimmer.  (But it certainly beats picking the wrong person.)  The REAL problem comes when you have certain "rules" that slim your chances even more - like not dating divorced people.

I have a friend who ended a 10 year relationship when she was 30.  She figured Mr. Right would "find her" and didn't really look to date much for about 5 years...she had a big family in town and did family things.  Then she tried internet dating and that did not go well (lotta weirdos).  And at 35 wasn't willing to date guys over 40.  In the end, it worked out (ended up marrying a coworker when she was 37 -  that she'd never really seen "in that way" before, and they have three great kids). 

SweetLife

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #157 on: May 03, 2014, 03:18:11 PM »
Some of this thread has me laughing really hard ... but I can also understand the importance of finding the "right" person to spend your life (and money) with... maybe the "dating" thing needs to be rethought ... by that I mean (and I have told countless of my single friends the same) ... when you are "actively looking" for a man/woman you give off certain vibes... "hunting" vibes as one of my brother calls them lol... I got married at 30yrs old (to the wrong person) and divorced 4 years later ... I did the whole gamut internet dating like mad/going out with friends etc ... finally I had had enough ... I took a (very unmustachian) trip to Italy (as my divorce trip) alone. I met a few people while I was travelling around Italy and Venice but generally just enjoyed myself and being alone.  I took another trip a few months later with my Mom and my Sister and ended up travelling by myself again for an extra two weeks ... by this time I was having so much fun just travelling by myself and basically being by myself that I had no interest or intent of finding a "mate". In fact I was perfectly fine single and doing things I loved ... travelling, meeting new people, taking tons of pictures.  The last leg of this trip I met a man who I would end up marrying 2 years later and has turned out to be a perfect match ... (this took quite a few plane rides between Portugal and Canada) however the end result is mustachian match made !

I guess my advice is to be sure you are ready to be alone and enjoy yourself as you are ... doing the things that you love to do (staying home being a hermit, you will likely not meet very many people ... so hopefully you have hobbies), I used to take myself out to dinner at ritzy restaurants (one in particular in Paris I fell in love with ... pricey but worth it), the movies , museums, parties ... in this way you will attract people who are of a like mind/go the places you like to go etc ... and you will be amazed at how little you think about who pays for what when you meet such a special person. 

I found the internet thing got tiring very quickly and that it wasn't very "real" ... I was asked by potential dates everything from my weight to my bra size ... the more dates I went on (spaced apart or close) the more I noticed the other person's complete lack of normal conversation ... I felt more like I was at a job interview than trying to get to know the other person... and I also noticed dates would ask/say things that you WOULD NEVER normally ask/say when first meeting someone (see weight/bra size question above) ... so I do agree it definitely allowed for more a more "parameter" based search but in the end it didn't work for me. BUT I can say that my "parameters" were ALL met (and more) meeting my husband!!! And after 4 years and one (soon to be born baby) we are still as happy as when we first married. 

I wish the OP all the luck finding the "right" person to spend your life with is SO very special... and worthwhile.

TokyoLotus

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #158 on: May 06, 2014, 07:36:00 AM »
1) If you ask her out, pay 100% ----you can always do something simple, like hotdogs in the park that doesnt cost much but is good to get to know each other in all awkwardness. I have a guy friend who says he eats before going out with a girl so that they'll order less food and he doesnt have to pay a large bill.

2) If she asks you out, I think it should be 50/50


The reason I dont think girls should pay more than 50 is because we spend a lot more time and money trying to look pretty for you :)    When I put in a lot of effort to look nice for a guy who asks me out and then he asks me to pay my half, I feel like he isnt interested in more than appearances, which could be true, but doesnt make me excited to see him again. Dates dont have to be expensive!

Bakari

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #159 on: May 06, 2014, 08:39:29 AM »
  When I put in a lot of effort to look nice for a guy who asks me out ... I feel like he isnt interested in more than appearances,


I'm not really seeing the connection between who pays and whether he is just interested in appearance.  He could pay 100%, and just as easily only be interested in appearance, couldn't he?

Wouldn't the better test to see if he is only interested in appearances be to not put too much time or money into looking nice, and then see if he asks you out a second time?

Elaine

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #160 on: May 06, 2014, 08:50:50 AM »
I think whoever asks the other person out should pay. This makes sense to me because usually the asker determines the venue for the date, I have been asked on dates that I would no WAY have suggested due to price, to then expect me to split something extravagant doesn't seem to make sense. And YES, I have asked out many a person (m&f), and when I asked them out I paid.

lazysundays

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #161 on: May 06, 2014, 11:48:57 AM »
I followed my dh around like a puppy dog until he asked me out. Why bc the guy I asked out before him wasn't as into me as I was into him , so I figure if he is man enough to get the courage to ask this very pretty (in my peak) girl out, then he is into me.
So he did the asking, I told him on our first date that if he insists on paying, then this is our last date. We've been together through 2 of my degrees, including pharmacy actually, and 14 years later we are still happy and equals.   You ask you better pay,  unless she insists.  Stop being cheap.

Sebastian

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #162 on: May 06, 2014, 12:20:50 PM »
IMO that's when you ask girls out you ask them "will you wine and dine me??" ;)

Can't tell ya how many free meals I got, and how the girls actually wanted to keep seeing me or whatever it led too.

Screw "old fashion" are you kidding me? Do you not see the blog we are in right now and how it goes against societal norms haha.

Either way the key thing is to hash that kind of stuff out in the beginning and not wait till the end because it'll just be awkward at that point.

Elaine

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #163 on: May 06, 2014, 01:07:40 PM »

I guess my advice is to be sure you are ready to be alone and enjoy yourself as you are ... doing the things that you love to do

+1 If you don't like spending time with you, then no one else will either.

I found that being happy, confident, and content with myself was like a magnet for prospective dates. Even though I'm happily coupled I still get a ton of inquiries, and I think one of the biggest reasons is because I seem at ease with myself. I would go to bars or cafes alone with a book or notebook (to write) and I met a TON of people that way. I also met a lot playing pool, but I wasn't there for that, I was there because I loved to play. Guys especially seem to zero in on women who seem confident and self-reliant. I have quite a few female friends who are single, and when we go to bars I see how they flirt and talk to people in a bit of a desperate way, probably without realizing it- I think that's a turnoff for most people. On the other end of the spectrum, I went out on dates with a couple of guys who did the whole standoffish "I'm being a jerk because girls like jerks" thing- that's not cute either, they never got second dates (at least not with me).

Kev

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #164 on: May 06, 2014, 01:20:16 PM »
Or just don't do first dates. With my boyfriend, we started out as friends and paid our own way, then as romance blossomed, he marked the occasion by getting the bill, instead of splitting it as we usually did. And thereafter, we took turns and these days we mostly just pay for whatever we consume.
That may have worked well for you but it won't for most.