I would usually hesitate to talk about loved one's mistakes so openly but this situation has caused me lots of grief and I'd appreciate some feedback.
Prelude: when DH and I met two years ago, he was flat broke and starting his own business. I have no issues with that - i don't need a provider, but do draw the line at paying someone's debt.
We both live in Australia. About 8 months in, we decided to go to Europe. He had always wanted to go, I wanted to show him where I am from. It was a great trip and I'm so glad we went when we did BUT I had always made clear, if we go for 5 weeks it will have to be low budget and he needs to pay his share.
While travelling, we quarrelled a lot over his spending ways. For example, he packed too much luggage then always wanted to catch cabs. Or he'd go to restaurants and order beers each night - I'm like let's buy stuff and drink at the hotel. In the end, he had to randomly borrow money off me and when we came back he owed me $3,000.
It took a few months and some nagging to get that money off him and it really put a strain on our relationship. At one stage I broke up with him over it.
It is not even the money as such that bothered me, it is the lack of foresight and disregard for himself and me. The thought of "if I do x then negative consequence y will happen to me." Never seems to cross his mind. Neither does the thought "bad consequence z will impact my wife." Then again, this is partly what attracts me to him, I am a planner and a worrier so he balances me out in a way? Other than this he is the most amazing guy with a heart of gold.
Anyway the main event: a year ago, during said short breakup, he bought a car. At the time he was driving a beaten up work car that was admittedly causing safety concerns (leaking tank). for whatever reason he decided to buy an almost new car on 5 year finance. I think he wanted to make himself feel better after the breakup. He asked me what I think about it, I said it is a really, really, really bad idea and sent him some links to read. He went and asked his mum (who has made many poor choices and spent most of her life on welfare) and she said "what a nice shiny car". At some stage he told me it was a zero finance loan and that it would help him get a credit rating to one day buy a house. I told him I really don't believe either but at this stage I was the ex and he is an adult and his mother is telling him to just get it....
So a week later we get back together again and I'm fuming he went ahead with the car loan. I told him look we are thinking of having a baby, you would be the stay at home parent and the key to achieving that is to reduce our living costs. this loan is a step in the wrong direction and let me be clear: I will not pay for it. He is like not a problem, he will get ahead on the payments so they are dealt with before kids.
A few months forward, we are getting married and I ask for a prenup. In his bit, he states the car is worth 30k and loan 30k.
The result:
So we got married, I fell pregnant and baby is due soon. I get three months paid leave and then we wanted for him to stay home. I kept asking him so what allowance do you think you'll need? And he kept being evasive. Partly because he eats out a lot, like twice or three times each day, which is an expensive and unhealthy habit he knows I loathe, but then finally a week ago comes the bummer. The car loan of course.
It turns out he signed up for a total liability of 60k for a car worth (at the time) 30k. I made him show me the paper work and was a bit shocked. 5 years on 16.5%. The break fee is really high too. To get out of the arrangement, they now quoted 43k when the car is now worth 20k. 4 years left on it. And they made it a business loan, so he signed away his consumer rights. Argh.
He has been stressing (& hiding it from me) for a while and I hate to see him like this. I want him to be happy. But I also want to reach FIRE and a free spending dependent isn't helpful. Note: in Australia, I am not liable for his debt and likely never will be (take my word for it, I've triple checked).
So my options are:
0. Refinance. Break fee too high, not worth it.
1. Pay it out. Pro: peace of mind, family approach. Con: I said I wouldn't. what if he does it again? And flame it that's a lot of money. Ouch! Plus I'd have to then get another car and pay for that.
2. Pay the instalments while DH stays home. Pro: good for our soon to be born son? Con: as above. And more expensive in the end.
3. Put the kid in child care so DH can continue working. Pro: no precedent of bailing him out, quicker to FIRE. Con: is that the best for our son? Will DH be able to make enough?
4. Call my mum for help, make her retire early, move to Australia and child mind (she was going to retire and do that in about a year).
5. Let him file bankruptcy and stay home. Pro: no precedent, facing up to consequences of his actions. Con: is it worth the trouble and stress to him for that amount? What crazy thing might such a big blow to his self esteem make him do? It feels mean.
6. Kill his mother (kidding. Not really.)
I have made him set up an appointment with a financial counsellor for later in the month to discuss his rights (payment plan, insolvency, bankruptcy).
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I do love the guy and this is the main thing we fight about.