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Bracken_Joy

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #100 on: May 22, 2015, 08:59:01 AM »
From reading through these posts, this sounds more like a roommate situation, not a live-in relationship situation.

I'm genuinely not sure where this sentiment, from you and many others in this thread, comes from.

I purposefully didn't lead into the discussion with 'oh I love her sooo much and could never see myself without her again' because that would lead to 99% of replies being a foregone conclusion.

I'm looking at this like everything in my life in a very pragmatic way. And if you think I'm low key on public shows of affection, you should meet my significant other. :p

There is no question about it, we do not have 'dreamily thinking of each other every waking moment' relationship. I don't believe many, if any, do over a long period of time. Maybe my expectations for what a loving relationship after a decade of ups and downs is is wildly different from the norm or what other posters here have experienced.

I've never really subscribed to the Hollywood notion of 'love at first sight' and 'the one true one' and 'you'll know it when you see it' kind of thing. It all seems very intangible to me. In real life I don't think I know no anyone who talks about their relationship in those kind of words.



Whatever. The discussion in this thread has been incredibly enlightening and interesting to read for me.
On the one hand many things said here have pushed me further into the camp of just going through with it and marrying my partner in a very private setting while on vacation with no one apart from us knowing about out plans till we return home. Seeing the look on the faces of our parents could be golden.
I'll get over the fact that I never really wanted to marry and I'm sure my partner would be over the moon.
On the other hand I just cannot quite rid myself of the feeling that marriage might just not be the right thing for me in general. I'm definitely going to discuss the options of a 'Partnershipcontract' with her. As I have now learnt that is the German legal framework in which we can deal with all sorts of legal matters without marrying.

So in short I'm still undecided. And it is something we will have to continuously discuss over time.
I'll probably let my SO read this thread next week to have her read the reactions here. She's the one who originally brought up the idea of posing the question here.

One you are decided, it would be VERY interesting to read your experiences and thoughts on your decision. If you're up for it, an update down the road would be greatly appreciated! Best of luck to you, whichever way you go. It seems to me this thread was worthwhile, because either way, you're on track to having the legal protections that should be afforded to a partnership of your duration.

Habilis

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #101 on: May 22, 2015, 09:55:40 AM »
No, you should not get married. You are considering on a level which is not ready for lifetime commitment.

Marriage is a commitment to:

Love her until one of you dies
Honor her until one of you dies
Cherish her until one of you dies

And staying married is not proof you are keeping these vows. Many if not most people who are married are not really loving, honoring, and cherishing their partner with their whole self, opening their heart, making themselves vulnerable and going all in. Being married and breaking your vows is no different than divorce, IMHO. This does not mean people should never divorce, but the right time to decide if the person is right for you is BEFORE you are engaged.

Another way to think of it is this: marriage is like a full body tattoo. It will be with you for life, you will be forever changed, it is painful and can be breathtakingly beautiful. If you ever decide it's not for you, you can try to remove it but it will be painful, expensive, and it will leave you scarred.

There is no commitment in our society that even comes close to the commitment of marriage.

Bringing kids into the equation only increases the level of commitment required. Their lives are in your hands and the strength of your marriage is critical to their health, happiness, strength and freedom.

I highly recommend the book, Finding the Love of Your Life, by Neil Clarke Warren (http://www.amazon.com/Neil-Clark-Warren-Finding-Second/dp/B00N4F2P3I/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1432309958&sr=8-2&keywords=finding+the+love+of+your+life+second+edition. It is short and dirt cheap vs. the cost of a bad decision. Here is the table of contents:

1.   Eliminate the Seven Most Common Causes of Faulty Mate Selection
  a.   Deciding to Get Married Too Quickly
  b.   Too Young (not just age, not your grown up self, not on mission)
  c.   One or Both People Are Too Eager to Get Married (to relieve grief, loneliness, to have a child)
  d.   Choosing a Mate to Please Someone Else
  e.   Unrealistic Expectations (love will fix everything, he/she will change)
  f.   Unaddressed personality/behavioral/emotional problems
2.   Develop a Clear Mental Picture of Your Ideal Spouse
3.   Find a Person to Love Who is a Lot Like You
4.   Get Yourself Healthy Before You Get Married (emotionally, spiritually)
5.   Find a Love You Can Feel Deep in Your Heart
6.   Let Passionate Love Mature to Companionate Love Before You Marry
7.   Master the Art of Intimacy (spirit/heart communion, not just sex)
8.   Learn How to Clear Conflict From the Road of Love (healthy conflict that grows closeness)
9.   Refuse to Proceed Until You Can Genuinely Pledge Lifelong Commitment
10.   Celebrate Your Marriage with the Full Support of Your Family and Friends

It might sound like I am down on marriage. Nothing could be further than the truth. Just be very, very, very careful about this choice. The 9 years you have spent with your partner are sunk cost. If it is not right, end it. It will be a gift to both of you. If you go deep on this issue, get clear with yourself, your family, friends and loved-ones that this is right for you and she agrees, then do it. Marriage is beautiful, life-affirming and a gift to those around you, your children and those you love.

rocksinmyhead

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #102 on: May 22, 2015, 10:19:01 AM »
It sounds like you need to answer these questions yourself:

-Am I ok if she decides to leave me over not getting married?
-If I do get married, will I resent the decision/her long term?

Decide your priorities and be clear with your partner.
- I think it would be an extremely silly reason to break up, but I would respect her decision.
- I would probably get over it.


There's your answer.  Marry her. 

I think you love her.  I think you want her to be as happy in her life as she can be.  So let her enjoy a fancy wedding dress, let her mother and sisters be excited and fuss over her big news, go on a nice honeymoon with her.  Much more importantly, let her call you "her husband" whenever she refers to you and never let her feel embarrassment at being an "unwed mother."  Let her stop her lame efforts at explaining why you haven't proposed yet (trust me, people are asking.)  Obviously she is not as modern in viewpoint on marriage as you are.  Bottom line:  it is important to her.  You love her.  Be kind and think about her feelings in this big issue and all other major things in the future and you are putting your life on a path to happiness. 

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

Yeah, on a tangent, can I say how much this pissed me off?  Apparently after 2 years of dating, once I hit 30, people felt entitled to ask such personal questions.  As it's usually the man proposing still these days, why not at least ask such an intrusive question of him, rather than me?!  (In our case, I wasn't ready to get engaged until 3 years, about 6 months before he did propose.)   I can't imagine fending off inquiries for 9 years.  (Not a reason in and of itself for a marriage, but still, it is cause for sympathy and understanding.)

OMG. I know I'm a little late but can I just say how NOT ALONE these two comments made me feel?!? getting close to 5 years dating here and this drives me fucking insane :(

CommonCents

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #103 on: May 22, 2015, 10:35:17 AM »
It sounds like you need to answer these questions yourself:

-Am I ok if she decides to leave me over not getting married?
-If I do get married, will I resent the decision/her long term?

Decide your priorities and be clear with your partner.
- I think it would be an extremely silly reason to break up, but I would respect her decision.
- I would probably get over it.


There's your answer.  Marry her. 

I think you love her.  I think you want her to be as happy in her life as she can be.  So let her enjoy a fancy wedding dress, let her mother and sisters be excited and fuss over her big news, go on a nice honeymoon with her.  Much more importantly, let her call you "her husband" whenever she refers to you and never let her feel embarrassment at being an "unwed mother."  Let her stop her lame efforts at explaining why you haven't proposed yet (trust me, people are asking.)  Obviously she is not as modern in viewpoint on marriage as you are.  Bottom line:  it is important to her.  You love her.  Be kind and think about her feelings in this big issue and all other major things in the future and you are putting your life on a path to happiness. 

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

Yeah, on a tangent, can I say how much this pissed me off?  Apparently after 2 years of dating, once I hit 30, people felt entitled to ask such personal questions.  As it's usually the man proposing still these days, why not at least ask such an intrusive question of him, rather than me?!  (In our case, I wasn't ready to get engaged until 3 years, about 6 months before he did propose.)   I can't imagine fending off inquiries for 9 years.  (Not a reason in and of itself for a marriage, but still, it is cause for sympathy and understanding.)

OMG. I know I'm a little late but can I just say how NOT ALONE these two comments made me feel?!? getting close to 5 years dating here and this drives me fucking insane :(

Sorry to hear!  You are totally not alone.  I was even talking to a friend about it this past weekend, even though we're both married for a bit now, because the pressure has now changed to kids.  I didn't know her before her marriage, but she said if her mom had pressured her to get married like she is now about kids, then she probably wouldn't  have waited even longer than the 9 years (7 dating, 2 engaged) she did to get married.

Strategies:
1. Come up with some stock somewhat funny replies.  People laugh and you then change the subject.
2.  To persistent queries by someone, ask them one on one to stop (or ask someone else to get them to stop.  e.g. my brother ask my dad to get my mom to stop making kid comments to them).

ltt

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #104 on: May 22, 2015, 04:20:16 PM »

I do mind, I don't have her (emotionally) locked up, she is free to leave our relationship whenever she pleases.  It cannot all be bad even if I don't want to marry, otherwise why stay together for 9 years.


This sentence right here is why I mentioned that it seems more of a roommate situation.  There doesn't seem to be an emotional connection with this woman, even after 9 years, if you mention that she is free to leave whenever she pleases.  Typically, people who are in love in a marriage or live-in situation have an emotional bonding.  It sounds like there is some sort of disconnect in this situation.  If she wants to marry and she's approaching 30, trust me on this, it's most likely because her biological clock is ticking and she wants children.  Remember, approaching early to mid-30s, it becomes much more difficult--that's just biology.  If she does want children, then there's another matter to think about. 

mozar

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #105 on: May 23, 2015, 09:27:32 AM »
Women don't see it that way. They hope forever that the man they love will come around and propose. If you feel you are free to leave whenever then you are not committed. I left my last relationship because although they were willing to marry me, I had to talk them into it. I don't want to be with someone who feels they can leave whenever, that's not committment. And in our society, right or wrong, proposing marriage is how people show committment.
My cousin is getting married in august and it is so sad. I think her fiance loves her but said to me he waited as long as he could get away with before proposing and didn't want to be the first of his friends to get married which is a dumb reason. I think he also feels inertia and likes things the way things are. I think you two should take a break from living together so you can see if you feel committed or not. What would be much better is for her to post in this forum so we can tell her to leave you and find someone who isn't ambivalent and is ready to commit.

Merrie

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #106 on: May 23, 2015, 09:52:38 PM »
On that note, I try not to think of marriage as an "institution" defined by other people that I'm buying into or supporting, but rather an idea. It's my promise and his. And "marriage" is an idea that he and I can change the definition of, together with other people like us. Just like a wedding doesn't have to have all the trappings that society thinks you "must have", your marriage is what you make of it.


Agreed with this. You decide together what you want your relationship to be, rather than having it be what someone else says it is.

Personally I do not really grok the idea of being committed to some extent and wanting to stay so but wanting to stay unmarried. I always wanted to spend my life with someone who was committed to spending his life with me and building that life together, come what may. Someone who chose me as his partner and who I chose as my partner. To me that means marriage. Most of the reasons that people have given me for wanting to be committed but not wanting to marry do not resonate with me at all (the one I heard that did make sense to me was that she didn't want to privilege one partner over another--this person was polyamorous, and I'm not, so that reason wouldn't apply to me anyway). If a boyfriend had told me he was opposed to marriage for any of the reasons I've heard, I'd have split with him and gone looking for someone who wanted what I wanted. I would feel like he was looking for an "out" or trying to keep his options open, and I'd rather not spend my energy wondering whether my partner really wants to be with me.

Obviously if others choose to be in a long-term unmarried partnership that is their business and none of mine. But I don't understand it and it's not what I want for myself.

The question is what do you and your partner want, and can you find a way to bring those desires into line, either for you to be okay with marrying or her to be okay with staying together and not marrying. (I suppose that isn't super helpful.)

okits

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #107 on: May 23, 2015, 10:27:03 PM »
On the other hand I just cannot quite rid myself of the feeling that marriage might just not be the right thing for me in general. I'm definitely going to discuss the options of a 'Partnershipcontract' with her. As I have now learnt that is the German legal framework in which we can deal with all sorts of legal matters without marrying.

So in short I'm still undecided. And it is something we will have to continuously discuss over time.
I'll probably let my SO read this thread next week to have her read the reactions here. She's the one who originally brought up the idea of posing the question here.

Perhaps the best thing would be setting up the Partnershipcontract, then seeing how you both feel after that. For some people (like me), there's an emotional component to marriage that goes beyond the legal paperwork.  In your relationship the Partnershipcontract may be enough to satisfy you both.  If not, there's still always the option of holiday and marrying abroad.

I think it's a great idea for your SO to read this thread. There's a broad range of opinions expressed that will spark discussions you may not have had otherwise. I hope you'll post an update on what you two decide!


rweba

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #108 on: May 24, 2015, 04:15:29 AM »
Marriage is declining in general:

http://www.businessinsider.com/causes-of-low-marriage-rates-2014-5

http://www.livescience.com/38308-us-marriage-rate-new-low.html

The average age of marriage is getting higher with each year and the percentage of people who are "never married" is steadily increasing.

Clearly, many people share the OP's opinion and do not see marriage as a necessity.

Personally I would say don't do it if you don't want to. I think your logical/pragmatic attitude is healthy. There are few benefits (especially since you're young and don't have kids) and it could be a HUGE pain if you decide to split up (especially if there are lots of assets involved). Not that you want to split up, but it's a reality that can happen.

Good luck!

norabird

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #109 on: May 24, 2015, 04:05:19 PM »
I thought of this thread while tearfully reading the Irish referendum coverage. To me it's so much more than a legal contract. If you don't get emotional over reading about couples striving to have the right to marry, it makes sense to not care about your own marital state. But for the rest of us it has an emotional resonance that can outweigh the practical side.

alurblaze

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #110 on: May 24, 2015, 04:58:11 PM »
Wait, if you can get all legal affairs settled anyway, how is it different from marriage?

Good luck figuring out together with your SO this crossroad situation. I cannot give advice for you, but I can offer my perspective - I will not have children out of marriage and if my SO wants to stay with me long term, we'll have to marry. I am probably going to work internationally, so if he wants to follow, the easiest way is to get a partner's visa. As an atheist, I do not feel any religious significance, but I do feel that taking on legal obligations to each other is a sign of commitment I want to see from a person I am trusting to be beside me.

If you have doubts over becoming a single unit, get a contact to ensure you can walk away unscathed financially.

partgypsy

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #111 on: May 26, 2015, 10:53:13 AM »
Maybe you need to have a conversation about what each of you means to the other person. Then your views about what "marriage" means to you.

That may decide things (one way or another). It sounds like she may be assuming things about your relationship (commitment/future-wise) that is not necessarily true. I would suggest being honest about how you feel, and your intentions, because otherwise it is not fair to the other person to stay in a relationship not knowing all the information.
And if she decides to stay knowing all this, then you get to have your cake and eat it too!
« Last Edit: May 26, 2015, 10:55:02 AM by partgypsy »

Ishmael

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #112 on: May 26, 2015, 11:59:47 AM »
Quote
Why would I do something that I think is absolutely pointless and an archaic institution to enslave women.

I see it differently.  Marriage - especially where children are involved - is an institution that can protect women.

For instance - my (now-ex) husband and I met in medical school. We both were on equal footing at that time in terms of education and career.  But once we planned to have children, I chose a more flexible area of medicine and he chose a more demanding surgical field.  I worked part time when my children were young so that our children wouldn't have two parents who were gone all the time, and so that I could relieve my husband of many of the household chores so that he could excel in his chosen career.

When he had a midlife crisis at age 50 and decided to leave me to find a 20 years younger Asian chick, I was back working but making less than third of what he was (and much less than I would have been making if I had been as free to concentrate on MY career over those years, as he was to concentrate on HIS).   My earnings will never catch up with his.

After our divorce, I am still in a much decreased financial position, but it is buffered by the protections that marriage afforded me - half of our mutual assets, a third of his pension (which we had both been counting on for our retirement) and some spousal support for several years.  If we had just been living together I would have had little of this.  Marriage makes things fair for the spouse who takes on the bulk of the at-home parent role, and in my experience, in two career families, this is often the woman (not always).

If you never plan to have children then this is not as much of a consideration.  I will say, though, that being married makes you work harder at working things out, than if you weren't married.  The formal commitment in front of friends and family is not a negligible things.
As a counter point to this example, I know a couple where the husband gradually changed over the course of the marriage, becoming an emotionally abusive alcoholic, while the wife worked diligently at her career, trying her best to hold everything together. She ended up divorcing him when the children were adults. Not only did he decide at one point that he wasn't going to bother working anymore, he also decided to blow through as much of her money as he could get his hands on. When they divorced, he ended up getting spousal support from her, and his negative contribution to the relationship wasn't factored into anything.

So, in your example, it protected the spouse whose role it was to raise and look after the children. If the example I know best, it protected and benefitted the most useless person in the relationship.

I could relate other anecdotal stories where husbands were left in complete poverty and debt, while the ex-wives received alimony and child support, entered into new relationships and financially benefitted from living with their new partners as well.

Here's a funny one - if you stay married, you have no legal obligation to pay for your kids university. However, if your spouse leaves you and gains primary custody - you have to pay for the whole thing!

My advice to my kids will be to only marry if your spouse earns more than you; otherwise, protect yourself as there are too many financial incentives in the system designed to rip couples and families apart. It sucks, but that's the legal world that's been created for them.

Personally, I'm very happily married and can't imagine going through the divorce process. So it's not that I'm opposed to the idea/concept of marriage, just that I think the legal system is designed to benefit lawyers.

mm1970

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #113 on: May 26, 2015, 12:51:36 PM »
Quote
However, if your spouse leaves you and gains primary custody - you have to pay for the whole thing!
Really?  Someone should have told my dad that.

Oh wait, he couldn't afford to pay for my college, and wouldn't have anyway.

I'm a red panda

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #114 on: May 26, 2015, 01:14:30 PM »

Sorry to hear!  You are totally not alone.  I was even talking to a friend about it this past weekend, even though we're both married for a bit now, because the pressure has now changed to kids.  I didn't know her before her marriage, but she said if her mom had pressured her to get married like she is now about kids, then she probably wouldn't  have waited even longer than the 9 years (7 dating, 2 engaged) she did to get married.

Strategies:
1. Come up with some stock somewhat funny replies.  People laugh and you then change the subject.
2.  To persistent queries by someone, ask them one on one to stop (or ask someone else to get them to stop.  e.g. my brother ask my dad to get my mom to stop making kid comments to them).

Tell them it is none of your business and ignore them.
We've been married 10 years- after about 5, they stop asking about kids.  If they keep asking, I would keep telling them it is none of their business.  Another good response could be "You should consider how hurtful that question might be to someone who wants kids and can't have them before you ask it of anyone."

CommonCents

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #115 on: May 26, 2015, 01:32:46 PM »

Sorry to hear!  You are totally not alone.  I was even talking to a friend about it this past weekend, even though we're both married for a bit now, because the pressure has now changed to kids.  I didn't know her before her marriage, but she said if her mom had pressured her to get married like she is now about kids, then she probably wouldn't  have waited even longer than the 9 years (7 dating, 2 engaged) she did to get married.

Strategies:
1. Come up with some stock somewhat funny replies.  People laugh and you then change the subject.
2.  To persistent queries by someone, ask them one on one to stop (or ask someone else to get them to stop.  e.g. my brother ask my dad to get my mom to stop making kid comments to them).

Tell them it is none of your business and ignore them.
We've been married 10 years- after about 5, they stop asking about kids.  If they keep asking, I would keep telling them it is none of their business.  Another good response could be "You should consider how hurtful that question might be to someone who wants kids and can't have them before you ask it of anyone."

Yes, or as my sister-in-law (and others, I've now heard) put it: "How do you even know I can have kids?"  (She has some medical considerations that would make it more difficult for her, but also currently has no intention of having kids.

partgypsy

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #116 on: May 27, 2015, 09:57:29 AM »

Sorry to hear!  You are totally not alone.  I was even talking to a friend about it this past weekend, even though we're both married for a bit now, because the pressure has now changed to kids.  I didn't know her before her marriage, but she said if her mom had pressured her to get married like she is now about kids, then she probably wouldn't  have waited even longer than the 9 years (7 dating, 2 engaged) she did to get married.

Strategies:
1. Come up with some stock somewhat funny replies.  People laugh and you then change the subject.
2.  To persistent queries by someone, ask them one on one to stop (or ask someone else to get them to stop.  e.g. my brother ask my dad to get my mom to stop making kid comments to them).

Tell them it is none of your business and ignore them.
We've been married 10 years- after about 5, they stop asking about kids.  If they keep asking, I would keep telling them it is none of their business.  Another good response could be "You should consider how hurtful that question might be to someone who wants kids and can't have them before you ask it of anyone."

For most people, it's none of their business. Still, for me it was hard to tell the would-be great grandparents it's none of their business, when they would say something like they want to hold their great grandchild before they die...

cerat0n1a

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #117 on: January 20, 2016, 04:49:10 AM »
In case anyone is interested we got hitched on 2015-12-09 without anyone knowing about it.
We facetime'd with our parents after the 10 minute 'ceremony' at the Standesamt was done and dusted.
So our Vacation to AUS/NZ was a de facto honeymoon.
So far nothing has changed. :p

Congratulations!

Bracken_Joy

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #118 on: January 20, 2016, 07:10:41 AM »
In case anyone is interested we got hitched on 2015-12-09 without anyone knowing about it.
We facetime'd with our parents after the 10 minute 'ceremony' at the Standesamt was done and dusted.
So our Vacation to AUS/NZ was a de facto honeymoon.
So far nothing has changed. :p

Congratulations! Hope your de facto honeymoon was excellent.

Merrie

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #119 on: January 20, 2016, 08:47:42 AM »
Congratulations to both of you, and best wishes for many happy years together.

partgypsy

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #120 on: January 20, 2016, 09:46:28 AM »
Congratulations! thanks for giving us an update.

Dicey

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #121 on: January 20, 2016, 10:03:12 AM »
When I saw this thread had been revived, I was hoping it was an update. Glad to see it's so. Congratulations!

onlykelsey

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #122 on: January 20, 2016, 10:18:55 AM »
OMG. I know I'm a little late but can I just say how NOT ALONE these two comments made me feel?!? getting close to 5 years dating here and this drives me fucking insane :(

I got married last year and the questions have quickly moved from that to why I'm not pregnant yet.  This is actually worse, somehow.  Why would I update you on the status of my uterus and why in the world would you think you get a say on it?!

To the OP, I was the more marriage-ambivalent partner in my relationship.  Once I realized it was important to my now husband, and that I was amenable to it, I wanted to move very quickly towards it.  We didn't get engaged in the traditional sense but we got married 6 months after we decided to, and it only took that long because we decided to have guests.  I think if you decide to get married, just get it over with.  Don't drag it out and make it about other people, or treat it as a test run.  Make it whatever it needs to be for you two to find it meaningful.

robartsd

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #123 on: January 20, 2016, 11:00:56 AM »
I got married last year and the questions have quickly moved from that to why I'm not pregnant yet.  This is actually worse, somehow.  Why would I update you on the status of my uterus and why in the world would you think you get a say on it?!
I'm glad our family and friends have not been not so intrusive, but unfortunately this is not an uncommon problem.

okits

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Re: To marry or not to marry that is the question
« Reply #124 on: January 20, 2016, 11:23:50 AM »
In case anyone is interested we got hitched on 2015-12-09 without anyone knowing about it.
We facetime'd with our parents after the 10 minute 'ceremony' at the Standesamt was done and dusted.
So our Vacation to AUS/NZ was a de facto honeymoon.
So far nothing has changed. :p

Not better...  But also not worse.  If you ever notice a change I hope it's for the better!  Consciously or unconsciously I think society and I regard my relationship more positively because it is a marriage (not sure what DH perceives, will have to ask him!)

Congratulations, and wishing you both much happiness!