Author Topic: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics  (Read 16356 times)

leenygal

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #50 on: December 20, 2014, 02:58:16 PM »
My mother moved here in the 80's while single and in her 20's. She was very independent and proud of herself for moving and establishing herself in another country without the support of her parents. I don't know your mother's background but chances are that since she is Filipino she also shares these proud and independent attributes.

I laughed when I read this. If I had a quarter for every time she told me how she came here alone with nothing but "2 suitcases and $500" in the early 80's, I'd have hit FI by now. I think all immigrants who "make it" here are proud of their accomplishments and rightfully so. Even my dad says he doesn't think he would have had the tenacity to deal with everything that comes along with moving to a totally different culture thousands of miles away.

The "How I Made It in America" lecture is one of those things you don't understand unless you grow up with it. I wouldn't have it any other way, though; her attitude has given me an extreme appreciation for the opportunities here in the US.

leenygal

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #51 on: December 20, 2014, 03:10:01 PM »
I am married to someone, not Filipino, but someone whose parents want us around for life events--baptism, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, graduations, 50th anniversaries, 60th anniversaries, 80th birthdays, family trips, funerals, etc. etc...You need to have a deep-down talk about this with your BF because if you are happy with your family life (i.e., yes, you know that you will be spending every Sunday night dinner with them even after you move out, but that's what it means to be family), and he wants it to be you and him and not your family, and not get together every week, and not have family obligations, you guys probably shouldn't get married...He's estranged from his family, so he's free of those commitments.

I never thought of it that way, but you're probably right. This fits my family to a t. In addition to the major holidays, we have gatherings for all the minor ones (Valentine's, 4th of July, etc) plus ALL baptisms, graduations, anniversaries, most birthdays, and random monthly get-togethers. I'm heading off to a Christmas get-together with 4 of my cousins tonight, actually! And the bf will not be in tow because he told me he is seeing a friend from out of town. I didn't pressure him on the matter.

I've been judicious about which events I urge him to go to (so far, just the big ones like Easter and Thanksgiving). He's told me it doesn't bother him (he likes feeling like part of a family for those big holidays), but he also said he finds it weird that my extended family sees each other as much as we do (we all live in the same metro area, so no costly travel involved.) Perhaps it's time to bring it up.

I briefly dated a guy in college who came from a family of 8 & had a literal army of nieces/nephews/cousins. They also had lots of gatherings. Even though we didn't work out, it was awesome to be with someone who understood what it's like to be highly involved with family instead of being a lone wolf all the time.

TerriM

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #52 on: December 20, 2014, 03:46:18 PM »
Yeah.  It's like my husband and I--I never grew up with it, but my husband did.  It's ok for your BF to find it "weird, but nice", but if it's "weird, and it makes me uncomfortable", he's gotta get to one side or the other.  Either he's all in, or he's all out.  Because if he's not in, he's going to pressure you not to go, or he'll let you go, but he won't go, and everyone will ask "why isn't your "husband here?" and it will be awkward for both of you.  He will feel judged and like people are talking about him behind his back because, well, in fact, they are.  It's ok for him to take time to get used to it, but he needs to understand that in the end, he's going to be expected to attend all these gatherings if you guys get married because that's what it means to be family.


For my part, I don't mind the family gatherings, but some of the distant relatives are so different from me, it was uncomfortable (I felt like I was party crashing--"how'd she get invited?")--but also my MIL is not happy with me.  She doesn't approve of me, how I dress, how I shop, how I raise my kids, where we're living, the "original condition" house we're renting, and my parents are very Mustachian while she is spendy (though her income is much larger), so I think she finds them and their ways embarrassing.  Her son married down by her standards, and is now living poor by her standards.  By my parents' standards--education--I married equal because we both went to an Ivy league college.   I find all these things very stressful, so the more we get together, the more stressful it is.   The only thing going for me, is that my husband and his siblings also have issues with her, so at least I'm not entirely alone, but it's hard knowing that of the daughter/son in-laws she got, I'm the only one she dislikes.  Real fun.

I'm sorry.... It's hard.  As I said, if your BF thinks it's "weird, but really nice", you'll be fine, but if he doesn't really like your family or they don't like him, his inclination will be for him to stay home while you go to all the family gatherings without him.  Then it's not a "family" gathering for you anymore is it?

Turkey Leg

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #53 on: December 20, 2014, 03:48:47 PM »
I love socking away cash this quickly, but itís difficult to maintain my privacy with both parents and a high school brother in the house. Typical things include asking where Iím going, asking why Iím out late (11 pm on weekends)...

It's common courtesy for those living in the same home to let others know where they're going and what time they'll be home.

In any case...her house, her rules. Move out.