Author Topic: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?  (Read 16467 times)

Aushin

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Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« on: June 09, 2015, 12:48:12 PM »
you might remember me from this topic:  http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/should-i-stop-contributing-to-my-401k-temporarily/

A few months ago, my sister stole 5000 dollars from her father's safe (not proven, but almost certain).

Today we found out she has been stealing money from my grandmother's account.

I told her she has two options:
        1) she can give me all of her paychecks directly from now on and clear all of her purchases with me 
        2) she can move out and I will have grandma cancel the insurance she has set up for her (sister can't afford insurance herself) and I will disconnect her phone

She said "i'm fine i'll move out"  and "yup"  and "okay" to everything I said I would do.  I gave her a week to pack and told her I was turning off her phone tonight and canceling the insurance the day after she leaves the house.  If she doesn't leave willingly, I will call the police. 

I feel completely fucking awful and evil.  Like I'm a villain.  Have I gone from 0 to 60 too suddenly?  Can any of you just take control of my brain and make these choices for me?

Aushin

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2015, 12:48:57 PM »
She has a 3 month old baby.  A 9 dollar an hour job.  No other support that I know of.

Aushin

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2015, 12:49:31 PM »
She has also not, in a month of work, paid a single bill.

Kris

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2015, 12:51:13 PM »
Do not feel bad about this.  These are her choices.  Someone who would steal from her own family needs to feel the weight of their mistakes.  I honestly think this is the best thing you can do for her.  Anything else is enabling her.  You gave her a choice that would have allowed her to stay in your home. She refused it.

biffwhipster

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2015, 12:57:48 PM »
Is she an addict? If so, any sort of "help" that you give her will easily be manipulated to feed her addiction.

shotgunwilly

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2015, 12:57:54 PM »
It's going to be hard not to feel bad about it, but I think kicking her out is right.  I imagine you're going to get some pushback on here (maybe?) since she has a 3 month old child.

Another Reader

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2015, 01:06:51 PM »
It's weird to feel awful about doing the right thing, isn't it?

I don't know if the 12 step programs for gamblers and drug addicts offer groups similar to AA's Al-Anon, but if they do, go.  Go to Al-Anon if they don't, because the principles are the same.  You need some support in doing the right thing, because you aren't going to get it from your family.  You are the only grown-up of the lot of them.  Just remember, SOMEONE has to be the grown-up.

I know you would feel really awful for doing this, but if I had solid proof of the theft, I would file a police report.  If she's stealing, she's probably using, and a trip to jail might get her clean again.  Tough love is what you need here, consequences for her bad behavior.

fiftyincher

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2015, 01:19:29 PM »
So she has a 3 month old, was (is?) a drug addict, and her boyfriend/father of the child tragically died recently? That's rough. Is she postpartum? I can't imagine the stress she has. Without knowing anything else about your situation, I'd guess she needs some counseling. Not much help for you as you're in a really tough spot.

Aushin

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2015, 01:46:10 PM »
She stole from me a few years ago, at the worst part of her addiction.  Petty theft.  Fifty bucks here and there.  Then she got busted for possession "with intent to sell" (her ex-bf, not the one that is dead, a different guy, was the one she was picking it up for.  he pinned it all on her).  she got bailed out for 10,000 dollars by her deceased boyfriend, my nephew's father. 

She seemed clean.  Still does.  Apparently gets state-mandated tests every month per her trial requirements.  I don't know what's happening.  I can't understand her.

asiljoy

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2015, 01:49:51 PM »
Not to throw gas on the fire, but I'd probably take it a step further and ensure that the state knows the situation as far as the child is concerned. It sucks, but she's letting her pride prevent her from taking proper care of her child.

Aushin

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #10 on: June 09, 2015, 01:51:23 PM »
Does anyone have experience with drug addicts?  If she's using again, is this likely to harm her in irreversible ways?

Another Reader

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #11 on: June 09, 2015, 01:55:36 PM »
It harmed the father of her child in an irreversible way....

She's also addicting the next generation if she's breastfeeding.

And yes, there is long term damage to the bodies and brains of heroin addicts.

asiljoy

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #12 on: June 09, 2015, 01:57:07 PM »
You should not beat yourself up over this. You gave her good options and she chose poorly. You are not responsible for her actions or their consequences.

That said, you really do need to get in contact with a support group if you aren't already. In addition to the 'group' aspect of it, generally they have professional contacts that can help you sort through what's going on and how best you can help without hanging yourself out to dry.

Give yourself a hug. This is a rough situation and you really are being a stand-up guy.

Aushin

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #13 on: June 09, 2015, 02:01:16 PM »
I'll look into support groups for this.  I had an aunt who would have been a godsend to talk to.  Lived through it with her son.  No longer with us. 

AR, I mean is she going to die.  Given the choice of letting her leech me and do drugs but stay alive and severing the tie and her dying...you know?

asiljoy

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Another Reader

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #15 on: June 09, 2015, 02:11:22 PM »
Addicts die all the time, no matter where they live or where the money is coming from.  Out on the street, more people will take advantage of her in various ways.  The best thing for her might be to go to jail for an extended period, as long as there aren't drugs available there.

Like all addictions, the decision to change must be made by the person that is addicted and it usually takes hitting bottom first.  Some people never decide to change and die along the way.  There is very little you can do that will actually help, except to stop enabling her so she hits bottom sooner.

The baby should go to foster care.  Keeping the baby with your mom gives mom an excuse not to work and your sister an excuse to visit and steal some more.

norabird

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #16 on: June 09, 2015, 02:15:13 PM »
I think it's good you are drawing a boundary, but I'm not sure that cancelling the insurance is necessary (though cancelling the phone is a no-brainer). Sorry for all the drama but try not to feel too guilty. Definitely look for an Al-Anon type support group for yourself and look into the book CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. Good luck!

Norrie

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #17 on: June 09, 2015, 02:15:18 PM »
First of all, big hugs. I know the level of stress that this kind of thing can cause, and with an infant involved, my guess is that it's 20 times worse. You're a good man for even trying.

The first thing that I would do is call 211 (http://www.211.org/) to ask about resources available in your city. My guess is that there is some sort of halfway house or shelter for mothers and infants. If not, they're still your best bet as a place to start. Your sister needs resources outside of her family unit. There will be no end to her needs unless she gets professional help, so no matter how much you and your grandmother try, she will just keep taking.

Is DHS/CPS already involved in the case, given that there is a child and previous drug addiction? If so, it may be worth a call to her case worker to explain that her living situation is changing, and ask them for resources too. 211 will have a big overall picture view of what's available, but DHS will have a better idea of specific state services that she may qualify for.

This all sounds so hard, and my heart is really with you. I'm a social worker (though I no longer work in a clinical setting), so let me know if you have specific questions, and I'll try to help more. Best.

valsecito

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #18 on: June 09, 2015, 02:48:57 PM »
Your sister is running a sky high risk of relapsing with all the stress falling onto her head. She needs professional help. Yesterday. Help her find them. I live on a different continent, so I can't give you much practical information, but whatever the case, do that.

An ideal mid-term scenario for all involved is probably something like:
* Your mother moves somewhere else. She mostly supports herself. If you want, you sponsor part of her basic needs for shelter and utilities.
* Your sister moves somewhere else with her son. If you want, you sponsor her son's material needs and her addiction and trauma treatment.
* Your gambling addict uncle stays somewhere else.
* Your nephew stays with a stable elderly couple with at least one of them very wise and some experience as a social worker during the working time of your sister.

Whatever you do, don't put all these troubled people in this same house. It's a recipe for disaster.

NoraLenderbee

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #19 on: June 09, 2015, 03:07:29 PM »
I'm sorry it hurts so much. You are doing the right thing.

Do you know how she got access to grandmother's account? More to the point--can you cut off her access (whatever it is)? Do that right away. I second the recommendation to contact DHS/CPS (or the equivalent where you are) on behalf of the baby.

pbkmaine

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #20 on: June 09, 2015, 03:20:33 PM »
Move 1,000 miles away, leave no forwarding address, change your phone number and save yourself.

Chrissy

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #21 on: June 09, 2015, 03:20:55 PM »
You're not the villain; you're your grandmother's savior.  Report the theft to the bank.  They may be able to restore some of the losses.  Yes, you'll need to change your grandmother's account information, or change the account entirely, potentially to a new institution.

Change the locks.  Are you sure your mother wouldn't cave and let her stay anyway?  This is the problem of paying for a house you don't own and can't control.

Chrissy

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #22 on: June 09, 2015, 03:23:28 PM »
Move 1,000 miles away, leave no forwarding address, change your phone number and save yourself.

OMG, Aushin, if only you would do this!  Seriously, it's my dream for you... <puts forehead on table>

Blonde Lawyer

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #23 on: June 09, 2015, 03:30:37 PM »
Move 1,000 miles away, leave no forwarding address, change your phone number and save yourself.

OMG, Aushin, if only you would do this!  Seriously, it's my dream for you... <puts forehead on table>

+1.  You could also petition for guardianship for the child and then let the rest fend for themselves.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #24 on: June 09, 2015, 03:57:52 PM »
You're not a bad person at all. You gave her two clear choices and she chose to leave. She could have stayed if she had been willing to. You left it in her hands.

asiljoy

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #25 on: June 09, 2015, 04:04:15 PM »
Move 1,000 miles away, leave no forwarding address, change your phone number and save yourself.

OMG, Aushin, if only you would do this!  Seriously, it's my dream for you... <puts forehead on table>

+1.  You could also petition for guardianship for the child and then let the rest fend for themselves.

+1

SJS

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #26 on: June 09, 2015, 04:17:00 PM »
I definitely think the MOST important thing here is the safety & security of the child(ren).  Your sister is a thief, and possibly a drug addict.  I think a police report should be filed for the theft of the money.  The kids should go into foster care or to another family member who can properly care for them until their mother get's her shit together.  It's always the kids who lose.  :-(

Bob W

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #27 on: June 09, 2015, 05:00:58 PM »
Do you have any friends that are social workers?

She should be eligible for SNAP (food stamps),  She may be eligible for Vocational Rehab services?   She will be eligible for a free phone with 250 minutes per month.   She probably is eligible for subsidized or free daycare,  probably for Medicaid if she doesn't have it already.

Subsidized housing is a possibility.

I really feel for you man.   I have a daughter in a similar seemingly hopeless situation.   Her mom is enabling her but it is difficult to see a path to success. 

I really think you need to sit down with a third party (disinterested) who has experience in social services.   You need to develop a path for success.    Throwing someone on the street sink or swim will very likely lead to sink.   Likewise continuing on the current path will not lead to success.   

I could imagine her couch surfing at various extremely bad environments. 

There is also the issue of the child.   It may come to a point where you will need or want to petition the state for custody.   

Bear in mind that she is damaged mentally and spiritually.   She is not a bad person at her core.  She is making decisions from a state of desperation.

Tough love is all good and fine but it works best when there is a clear path to victory.   

If you do put her out be sure she has the local homeless shelter and resource information.   

And really man,   in this world,  I would do whatever to maintain her a phone.   You could get her a Republic phone used for $50 and pay the $10 a month. 

And I am almost reluctant to say this on this forum  --- but pray man --- even if you have never prayed before and you don't know what your praying too  --- put your desires and intentions out there into the universe  --- lots of praying. 

SunshineAZ

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #28 on: June 09, 2015, 05:53:28 PM »
Move 1,000 miles away, leave no forwarding address, change your phone number and save yourself.

OMG, Aushin, if only you would do this!  Seriously, it's my dream for you... <puts forehead on table>
This!!  I have a similar family and I got fed up with being "lucky" (it wasn't luck, I worked for it and made good choices) which is just code to people like that for "I am entitled to part of your stuff because you are "lucky" and I am not."  *bull$hit*   Just reading your story totally pisses me off, and that is probably partially because I could see my family doing that to me if I let them.

I eventually took a job 6000 miles away just to escape the constant drama, and when I moved back, I moved a state away from them.   And you know what, the most amazing thing happened, they survived.  I couldn't help them much from that distance and they had to figure it out for themselves.   They have stable lives, food to eat, cars, roofs over their heads, etc.   They are still drama and train wreckish, but it is much easier to deal with from a distance. 

I feel for you, but I think you are crazy for supporting so many deadbeats and they won't stop until you draw some boundaries and stick to them, or they mess up your life so much that you end up just as broken as they are.  Sad but true. 

SJS

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #29 on: June 09, 2015, 06:08:11 PM »

And I am almost reluctant to say this on this forum  --- but pray man --- even if you have never prayed before and you don't know what your praying too  --- put your desires and intentions out there into the universe  --- lots of praying.

I'm with Bob W. on this - not sure what your religious/spiritual beliefs are, but I  personally can tell you asking for guidance/support/wisdom from the Big Guy has brought me through some mighty tough/desperate times in my life.

Good Luck!

LeRainDrop

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #30 on: June 09, 2015, 07:06:24 PM »
I feel for you, but I think you are crazy for supporting so many deadbeats and they won't stop until you draw some boundaries and stick to them, or they mess up your life so much that you end up just as broken as they are.  Sad but true.
Hear, hear!  It took me a long time and some therapy to realize that I have trouble setting boundaries with family members and even more time and therapy to learn strategies for getting stronger.  It's so hard to see your family struggle because you love them so much, but please don't let them slowly drown you.

Aushin

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #31 on: June 09, 2015, 07:13:24 PM »
She capitulated to my demand to monitor her spending.  Talked to her dad who talked sense into her.  She swears up and down she's not doing drugs.  She gets tested every month.  Is there some way she could be duping that?

Changing grandma's pin (I don't know why they gave it to her it makes literally 0 sense to me). 

Another Reader

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #32 on: June 09, 2015, 07:20:16 PM »
My guess is she thought through the alternative and decided to say whatever was necessary to stay.  What are you going to do if something like this happens again?  Are you going to set limits and consequences?  If the limits are exceeded will you follow through with the consequences?

Aushin

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #33 on: June 09, 2015, 07:21:33 PM »
Yes.  If she steals or breaks the law again or neglects her bills it's over. 

She won't be able to neglect her bills for at least the immediate future.  She gets paid Saturdays and I'm actually home on those days to pick up the checks.

Norrie

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #34 on: June 09, 2015, 08:09:48 PM »
This is all complicated by the baby, but another key of social work (and probably the one that has been the top guiding principle for me) is to never work harder for your client/family member/friend than they are working for themselves.

So if you find yourself running 'round in circles to get her check, monitor every single expense, etc., then chances are good that you're working harder than she is.

Is there a clearly defined plan (that she created for herself, not that is being dictated to her) of where to go from here? What her employment goals/opportunities are, what support she can receive for her son, etc.? As Bob W said, she should be eligible for SNAP and WIC, and likely other services too (such as subsidized daycare).

I don't think that it's enough to change your grandma's pin. I think that I would change accounts entirely. I say this as someone who has experience with a sneaky family member. They always seem to be able to find a way in.

Best to you (and to you, Bob W). This is incredibly hard to go through with a family member.

TrulyStashin

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #35 on: June 09, 2015, 08:23:55 PM »
Not to throw gas on the fire, but I'd probably take it a step further and ensure that the state knows the situation as far as the child is concerned. It sucks, but she's letting her pride prevent her from taking proper care of her child.

+ 1.   Absolutely, without doubt, get social services involved for the child's sake.

mozar

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #36 on: June 09, 2015, 08:25:06 PM »
I think you're better off cutting her off now, while she's doing OK. I can see her going back and forth forever where she promises to shape up, makes a mistake and steals again, swears she'll do better, then steals again. She is drawing you into her cycle.

Krnten

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #37 on: June 09, 2015, 08:49:50 PM »
Not to justify what your sister has done, but she has an enormous amount on her plate right now:
Grieving for her kid's father, handling a 3 month old as a first time mom without a dad around anymore, and a job and trying to stay clean.  It boggles my mind.  I cannot fathom how she gets out of bed in the morning.  I had just one of those factors once (the three month old) and it was really hard.  Either I'm really soft or your sister is superhuman.

The stealing is not ok at all, of course, and I don't know your sister.  But my instinct would be to keep supporting her with a place to live or food or whatever she needs to keep her head above water.  When her life stabilizes (if it stabilizes) push her towards independence then.   

Zamboni

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #38 on: June 09, 2015, 09:05:32 PM »
Just posting to lend my e-support.  You seem like a good person caught in quite a messy situation.

I believe in forgiving and family love, but please remember to protect yourself along the way. Glad you kept putting money toward your retirement.
Please consider getting some of the emotional group support for yourself that others have suggested.

I'll chime for getting those bank accounts that were breached changed. Unfortunately your sister has proved repeatedly that she is not trustworthy. Doesn't mean you don't love her, but never ever trust her. I would absolutely not ever hire her as a maid, so your idea that she should consider working in the maid business with your mom is probably a bad one. An episode of theft at a client's home might completely sink your mom's maid business and cause more legal trouble for both your sister and possibly your mom by association. Many people have hidden cameras in their homes to catch maids/nannies/nurses stealing. Sis needs to be in a job where the opportunity to steal is minimized. Just calling it like I see it.

On the practical side, we get plenty of channels over the airwaves on an antennae the I got at at a Warehouse club for $80.  That was the last money I spend on TV and it was four years ago.

Exhale

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #39 on: June 09, 2015, 09:21:05 PM »
Yes.  If she steals or breaks the law again or neglects her bills it's over. 

My 2 cents:
1) Your sister  needs to be actively treatment to be able to stay (not enough to not steal/break the law - time to start healing)
2) You work out with someone (therapist, etc.) what your boundaries are and then those need to be respected too if your sister gets to stay

This will be a marathon (with set-backs) so it's important to prepare yourself and be sure to build a team that can support you and help you pace yourself.

Sending you best wishes...

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #40 on: June 10, 2015, 04:20:56 AM »
This is a lot to put on you, but...

Have you considered offering to take responsibility for the baby, and telling the adults to work it out themselves? Most probably your sister wouldn't let you do it even if it's the best thing for her child. But maybe she sees that her life isn't the one for her child.

The state, it's my understanding, will first look for a blood relative of the child who has their life put together. And I'm not sure I believe people who tell you that you have a mental thing about saving people, but if you do - the three-month-old person is somebody who may truly need it.

If you do this, you'll need to put all your mental energy left over after work into the baby for a while. Every time you think of bailing out the adults again, you can remind yourself that you're not going to do it, because you now only do what's best for the child.

I don't know everything about your situation and this may be a terrible idea.

goatmom

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #41 on: June 10, 2015, 07:25:52 AM »
You asked if it is possible to cheat on the drug tests.  Yes, it is. Unless they are observed which they probably are not.  Addicts have all sorts of ways/devices to do this.  Just google it.  They have the audacity to talk about it online.  What is she spending the money on?  She lives for free?  She is spending money on something that is not good - probably drugs.  You could always buy drug tests yourself and use them as a rule for living in your house.  Random drug tests. And observed.  You can get them over the internet for between 5 and 10 dollars a pop.  They are the same ones they use at drug treatment centers.

Has she been in treatment?  Getting drug tested is not enough.  There are so many options these days.  I would have a hard time throwing someone with a baby out so I can feel your pain.  And Bob W. had lots of good advice.   Good luck. 

MsPeacock

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #42 on: June 10, 2015, 07:55:03 AM »
Just posting to lend my e-support.  You seem like a good person caught in quite a messy situation.

I believe in forgiving and family love, but please remember to protect yourself along the way. Glad you kept putting money toward your retirement.
Please consider getting some of the emotional group support for yourself that others have suggested.

I'll chime for getting those bank accounts that were breached changed. Unfortunately your sister has proved repeatedly that she is not trustworthy. Doesn't mean you don't love her, but never ever trust her. I would absolutely not ever hire her as a maid, so your idea that she should consider working in the maid business with your mom is probably a bad one. An episode of theft at a client's home might completely sink your mom's maid business and cause more legal trouble for both your sister and possibly your mom by association. Many people have hidden cameras in their homes to catch maids/nannies/nurses stealing. Sis needs to be in a job where the opportunity to steal is minimized. Just calling it like I see it.

On the practical side, we get plenty of channels over the airwaves on an antennae the I got at at a Warehouse club for $80.  That was the last money I spend on TV and it was four years ago.

+1. I had family members that were much the same as yours - my cousin (now in her 50s) could have been your sister at her age. She has now been in and out of jail many times, in and out of mental hospitals and rehab many times, stolen from family members many times, lost contact/custody of her child (and one child died while in her care because she passed out and the baby got outside, fell in a cannel and died) - other child fortunately raised by a very responsible good grandparent. Helping her (w/ money, emotional support, boundaries, etc.) made absolutely no difference. Sometimes you just cannot fix other people and you have to stop taking responsibility for them at some point as well.

Your sister has already stolen from family, and is likely lying, and likely to have problems keeping a job and staying sober - please consider how you can help your nephew (e.g. involve the state) while setting boundaries w/ your sister (e.g. not trying to track her every move - because she will find a way around you).

I think the general message you are getting from everyone here is one of support but encouragement that you emotionally and preferably physically distance yourself from this mess.

little_brown_dog

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #43 on: June 10, 2015, 08:19:10 AM »
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and worked with IV drug users for a few years. Rough population to work with, specifically due to the serious personality changes that accompany addiction. there were people who actually admitted to routinely stealing from their 5 year old's piggy bank to buy drugs and then complained and cried about how their kid didn't trust them. no joke.

addictions often start out through self medicating for other problems in their life - she could actually be clean for her drug of choice but stealing for another type of addiction (it is common for addicts to jump from addiction to addiction). Shopping, gambling, alcohol, prescriptions that might not show up on routine tests, etc. Some thieves also just really love to steal, they are looking for a high in life and stealing helps them achieve that. There is also a psychological dysfunction that can develop for long term users and individuals living in other dysfunctional situations - even if they are clean, its almost like they lose the ability to abstain from instant gratification and often continue to do really really dumb or dangerous things even though they are not technically under the influence. Kindof a use it or lose it situation - if you aren't used to doing the responsible thing, it is much harder to do it. combine all of this with mental illness like depression or bipolar disorder and you have a complete disaster.

understand that by letting her stay, she will most likely continue to abuse the family somehow. someone who is this broken, regardless of the reason, will continue to be a harm to self and others. only you know where the true line in the sand is for you. is it another theft? drugs in the house? neglect of the child? think about the line. hold it when the time comes.

if you ever need to truly kick her out, provide her with resources to local women's shelters, cps, etc. again, many people in these situations can't actually think clearly and even just having a piece of paper with some numbers to call can be a life saver once they get a moment of clarity.


Bob W

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #44 on: June 10, 2015, 12:56:43 PM »
Damn this is a sad thread -----   

Reminds me to be thankful for the many blessings I have.   

My adult daughter is in a similar situation and severely depressed.  I have tried to reach out to her to no avail.   It is hard to watch people you love follow such a bad path and close their minds to you.   

BlueHouse

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #45 on: June 10, 2015, 06:24:30 PM »
... never work harder for your client/family member/friend than they are working for themselves.

This is brilliant.  I need to live this too.

Argyle

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #46 on: June 10, 2015, 06:33:54 PM »
Please find a meeting of Nar-Anon or Al-Anon.  (Al-Anon works for all kinds of addiction, not just alcohol.)  The complications of this kind of situation are just too much to be handled by giving advice online.  You will need ongoing support and guidance.  I'm afraid your sister will not stop using unless she is actively working a formal recovery program.  Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful.  Setting appropriate boundaries is an art and takes practice and support.  The complication is the baby, of course.  She does not sound like someone who can take care of an infant, or indeed any child.  I hope you'll consult Al-Anon and/or a social worker about options so that the baby is not left to her mercy.  If your sister should succumb to her addiction, that would be tragic, but she is in charge of her choices.  It would be doubly tragic if the baby should succumb, and the baby is infinitely more helpless than your sister.  Please get support and advice from meetings and from a professional.

Another Reader

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #47 on: June 10, 2015, 06:53:54 PM »
Please find a meeting of Nar-Anon or Al-Anon.  (Al-Anon works for all kinds of addiction, not just alcohol.)  The complications of this kind of situation are just too much to be handled by giving advice online.  You will need ongoing support and guidance.  I'm afraid your sister will not stop using unless she is actively working a formal recovery program.  Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful.  Setting appropriate boundaries is an art and takes practice and support.  The complication is the baby, of course.  She does not sound like someone who can take care of an infant, or indeed any child.  I hope you'll consult Al-Anon and/or a social worker about options so that the baby is not left to her mercy.  If your sister should succumb to her addiction, that would be tragic, but she is in charge of her choices.  It would be doubly tragic if the baby should succumb, and the baby is infinitely more helpless than your sister.  Please get support and advice from meetings and from a professional.

+1000.  Support from others dealing with similar problems is the best kind.

greenmimama

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #48 on: June 10, 2015, 07:23:03 PM »
Please tell me she takes care of the baby, if not, who is?

ltt

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Re: Throwing my sister out. Is there another way?
« Reply #49 on: June 10, 2015, 08:09:17 PM »
Is she taking the 3-month old with her, or will you be taking care of the child?