Author Topic: This doesn't seem okay to me...  (Read 4426 times)

Firehazard

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This doesn't seem okay to me...
« on: September 20, 2017, 09:45:15 AM »
I know lots of men and women who trash talk their spouse/significant other to their friends behind their back.  I've always found it very distasteful and disrespectful.  I recently found out that my BF of 18 years has been doing this via a snotty comment made by one of his coworkers at dinner the other night.  She said, loudly enough to make sure I could hear it, that she was shocked to find out that I 'allowed' my boyfriend to have a recurring charitable donation withheld from his paycheck.  She works in HR at their company and was rooting around in his personnel file for whatever reason and saw the authorization form for the payroll deduction.  Anyway, he's apparently been bitching to this woman at work about my money-saving strategies and also that I encouraged him to track his personal spending.  I suppose this was her sweet way of calling me cheap and accusing me of depriving my boyfriend.

BF is no Mustachian, but he's very much on board the Retire Early train...talks about it every single day, and has a decent net worth for his age.  But he had no real idea what he was actually spending outside of our shared living expenses which I track, and was too lazy to take the initiative, so I offered to go through everything with him, make the spreadsheet and fill it in YTD, so he could be informed.  He took me up on it, and we pulled it all together a couple of weeks ago.  At the time, he seemed to very much appreciate my help.  I did make a joke about how much he spends at Starbucks, but other than that didn't judge his spending.  I don't care how much he spends of his own money, I just wanted to make sure he didn't go quitting a lucrative position only to find out the hard way that he didn't have enough saved to support his lifestyle.

Am I overreacting to be deeply offended that he's talking shit about me behind my back?  I let him know last evening that I was aware of it, and he didn't deny it.  I would never do this to him, and I really never expected it from him.  I'm so sad right now.

BobTheBuilder

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2017, 09:55:48 AM »
I think you are right to be taken aback, did you ask him why he feels the need to talk to this certain person about your (private) financial arrangements? It might also be the HR person upped it a little to make herself feel more important. But no, not cool...

GuitarStv

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2017, 10:02:40 AM »
In a relationship you're a partner with someone else.  There should never be a time that a partner is airing real concerns to someone outside the relationship first . . . because by excluding their partner they are also effectively giving up on achieving any kind of solution or fix to whatever is bugging them.  That said, I could see harmless joking around with someone at work about things that aren't much of a concern as a way of making small talk.  Talk with your partner and find out which it is.

Whatever you find out from that, what your partner's friend said was hurtful to you.  You should tell your partner that, and he should tell his friend that jokes like that from her aren't acceptable.  At the least it was very unprofessional of her as an HR person to make comments about what your partner does with his money.

SilveradoBojangles

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2017, 10:04:51 AM »
If it were me I would bring it up with him. I think I would explain that I was really hurt that he was complaining about me to co-workers, and surprised because I thought we had the kind of relationship where, if he felt I was requesting something unreasonable, he would tell me and we would work it out. I think I would also explain that, from my perspective, I thought I was helping him track his spending, and if he saw it differently then that is something we should talk about. Because ultimately it's his money, and he should spend it as he likes, and I'm not interested in forcing someone to go along with something they don't want to do.

Firehazard

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2017, 10:16:07 AM »
I haven't discussed it with him yet beyond just letting him know I was aware and what tipped me off.  I try to mull things over a bit before I make a big deal out of something....I don't like for us to fight and we normally get along wonderfully.  Sometimes by the next day things seem less important.  But this still has me upset this morning, so I think I will have to bring it up again.  This woman definitely has a big mouth but I couldn't care less about what she actually thinks of me or her snotty comments....it's how it originated that concerns me.  And like I mentioned, he didn't deny it, just tried to laugh it off.  He's a bit of a joker, so it's possible he's doing this for the laughs.  I still don't think I should be the butt of his jokes. 

Honestly, I hope she makes another comment soon.  She actually didn't say it to me directly, but rather to another coworker across the table (apparently another one who's in on the goddamn joke), but made sure it was nice and loud so I wouldn't miss it...even repeated it twice to make extra sure.  In the moment, I was taken aback by her rudeness and said nothing.  Next time, I'll be ready to dress that chick down in short order!

me1

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2017, 10:17:52 AM »
I think you are over reacting. you don't know what exactly he said. It's all he said, she said. He may have said it in a "my gf is awesome and is getting our budget together" and she just turned it around because she either thought she was being funny by teasing about it or because she is not very nice and wanted to stir it up. And then from this barely second hand information you are making up a story. I do it too, but it makes no sense.

Drawing conclusions and getting mad based on something you overheard someone you don't even know say will not make you happy.

acroy

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2017, 10:26:15 AM »
I know lots of men and women who trash talk their spouse/significant other to their friends behind their back.  I've always found it very distasteful and disrespectful. I recently found out that my BF of 18 years has been doing this via a snotty comment made by one of his coworkers at dinner the other night.
Honestly, I doubt the BF of 18yrs has been trash talking you without your knowledge... for 18yrs! this sounds like a nasty big-mouth drama lama (the HR lady) making drama.

don't feed the drama lama.

BF should be informed about it, and BF should be circumspect around drama lamas (as should we all).

Side note: until age 25ish I was a confirmed bachelor exactly because I heard so many couples trashing each other behind each other's backs, and being nasty to their faces. Screw that, i thought, treating a person you 'love' worse than a total stranger, I want no part of that. Luckily I found DW, who had the same concern and is committed to being decent partner.

Good luck!

scantee

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2017, 10:35:13 AM »
Quote
She said, loudly enough to make sure I could hear it, that she was shocked to find out that I 'allowed' my boyfriend to have a recurring charitable donation withheld from his paycheck. She works in HR at their company and was rooting around in his personnel file for whatever reason and saw the authorization form for the payroll deduction.

ZWA?! I know this is off topic of your actual question, but can I just point out how wildly inappropriate it was for HR lady to divulge this information to you and the other people that overheard this conversation. HR should never be talking openly about the pay or deductions of staff, other than with the employee himself or designated officers of the organization. This is possibly a breach of confidentiality that constitutes a fireable offense (for her).

JanF

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2017, 10:36:43 AM »
Quote
Anyway, he's apparently been bitching to this woman at work about my money-saving strategies and also that I encouraged him to track his personal spending.

How did you know he was "bitching"? Maybe he was just making small talk and mentioned something in a joking way and this woman is trying to stir up drama (150% sure she's the type to gossip and make drama and just a piece of work).

UnleashHell

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2017, 11:13:12 AM »
Quote
She said, loudly enough to make sure I could hear it, that she was shocked to find out that I 'allowed' my boyfriend to have a recurring charitable donation withheld from his paycheck. She works in HR at their company and was rooting around in his personnel file for whatever reason and saw the authorization form for the payroll deduction.

ZWA?! I know this is off topic of your actual question, but can I just point out how wildly inappropriate it was for HR lady to divulge this information to you and the other people that overheard this conversation. HR should never be talking openly about the pay or deductions of staff, other than with the employee himself or designated officers of the organization. This is possibly a breach of confidentiality that constitutes a fireable offense (for her).

I think this is the main point really. Its a breach of confidentiality at best.

slappy

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2017, 11:14:16 AM »
Quote
She said, loudly enough to make sure I could hear it, that she was shocked to find out that I 'allowed' my boyfriend to have a recurring charitable donation withheld from his paycheck. She works in HR at their company and was rooting around in his personnel file for whatever reason and saw the authorization form for the payroll deduction.

ZWA?! I know this is off topic of your actual question, but can I just point out how wildly inappropriate it was for HR lady to divulge this information to you and the other people that overheard this conversation. HR should never be talking openly about the pay or deductions of staff, other than with the employee himself or designated officers of the organization. This is possibly a breach of confidentiality that constitutes a fireable offense (for her).

This is what I was going to say.

Firehazard

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2017, 11:34:52 AM »
LOL, yes to the breach of confidentiality, although this one was minor compared to others she's pulled.    She has divulged so much inappropriate information that I've personally witnessed, it's unbelievable.  Salaries, contents of disciplinary meetings, all kinds of stuff she had no business discussing like that.  A big part of my own job is HR, so this has always amazed me.  You just don't do that.  I think it will eventually catch up to her, just a matter of time.  She's one of those people who just can't shut up.

Thanks to all of you for letting me vent, and all your opinions on the matter.  I'm actually starting to feel better, but I am definitely going to ask him WTF tonight.  I wish I could say he was telling people I was being 'awesome' for helping him track expenses, but I think he would have said as much last night if that were the case.  We'll see what he says tonight.


Retire-Canada

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2017, 11:44:27 AM »
I think you are over reacting. you don't know what exactly he said. It's all he said, she said. He may have said it in a "my gf is awesome and is getting our budget together" and she just turned it around because she either thought she was being funny by teasing about it or because she is not very nice and wanted to stir it up. And then from this barely second hand information you are making up a story. I do it too, but it makes no sense.

Drawing conclusions and getting mad based on something you overheard someone you don't even know say will not make you happy.

Yup. And some complaining about your spouse is not out of bounds. You need to be able to talk about stuff to your friends and co-workers and some of the time that's because you are unhappy/frustrated with your partner. So the simple fact he may have complained about you in some regard is not grounds for you to be upset with him.

The OP is essentially complaining about her partner to us. How is that any different?

Firehazard

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2017, 11:52:07 AM »
Well, for one thing, this is an anonymous forum.  None of you know him or me, and he isn't subjected to repeated social interactions with you.

And if he has a complaint about me, I'd like to hear it from him firsthand.

Carless

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2017, 11:52:47 AM »
LOL, yes to the breach of confidentiality, although this one was minor compared to others she's pulled.    She has divulged so much inappropriate information that I've personally witnessed, it's unbelievable.  Salaries, contents of disciplinary meetings, all kinds of stuff she had no business discussing like that.  A big part of my own job is HR, so this has always amazed me.  You just don't do that.  I think it will eventually catch up to her, just a matter of time.  She's one of those people who just can't shut up.

So why not call her out on it in the moment?  "Wow, you sure are free with other people's private financial details.  I can't imagine how much trouble you'd get in if you worked at my company and spread confidential information around like that."

If she's a habitual drama lama, it's entirely possible one of her coworkers will take it from there.  Or more directly, email her supervisor and let them know.  Ideally include some of the more egregious information she's leaked.

Laura33

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #15 on: September 20, 2017, 11:57:53 AM »
What Scantee and Acroy said.

1.  Totally unprofessional.  Can you figure out a way to file a complaint with management?  The company could have liability if its employee is broadcasting private records around.  Or maybe that's your response the next time she starts into it -- "Wow, X, I never realized Company Y's HR policies allowed people to talk about employee records outside the office -- I'd totally get fired for that.  Can you forward me the policy?  My management is a huge PITA about employee privacy, and I'd love to be able to convince them that they're being overprotective."

2.  Yes, long-term partners shouldn't tear down each other behind the partner's back.  But for many people, it is also sort of presumed to be ok to vent or joke about certain foibles.  I have certainly been known to kvetch that my brilliant engineer DH, who is so insistent on efficiency in all aspects of his life, still cannot figure out that the round tupperware go with the round tupperware and the square ones go with the square ones.  And sometimes you might blame your partner to save face or fit in with the group -- e.g., maybe he gets asked to go out to lunch, but he is trying to cut back, so he says, "aw, man, love to, but X wants me to cut back."  It's immature, yes, but it's not malicious.  Or, heck, maybe he even mentioned it in a totally off-hand way -- "man, I've been avoiding lunches out for two weeks now, and my bank account thanks me" -- which led into a discussion of how you helped him through it, which in turn was twisted by someone with less-than-charitable intentions.  Or maybe she thought she was making a joke, and it fell flat.  Intent matters -- in fact, I'd say it's the only thing that matters. 

Side question is whether you are upset that he said something, or upset that he said something to this particular person, who sounds like a real treasure.  Again, two different issues, so make sure you're addressing the right one.

So, yes, good to talk to him about it -- but I'd recommend approaching it from the angle of wanting to understand the circumstances first, before jumping to the conclusion that he was intentionally disrespecting you/airing private laundry to someone you despise.  And if this turns out to be an area where you guys have different assumptions of what is appropriate with third parties, talk that through, too -- don't just assume that your approch is right and his is wrong and so he must therefore conform to your expectations.  Figure out why this particular issue got to you, and then figure out how to draw lines around what is ok and what isn't that acknowledge his periodic natural need to vent.

And FWIW, the best way to deal with malicious people is never, ever to respond in kind -- that just lets them know they have the power to get to you.  Think of her as a gnat flitting around your head:  annoying, but not even meaningful enough to take a swat at.  If you're going to spend time thinking of rejoiners for the next time, think of things like taking her comments completely literally ("oh, yes, charity is very important to both of us, I have been SO impressed by [partner's] commitment to good causes") or extolling the virtues of the thing she is trying to criticize ("oh, yes, I have been SO impressed by [partner's] efforts to cut back -- it feels so great to know we're on-track to retire in only six more years!). 

Tl;dr:  She who FIREs first always has the last laugh.

Laura33

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #16 on: September 20, 2017, 12:06:36 PM »
And if he has a complaint about me, I'd like to hear it from him firsthand.

Why are you assuming it was an actual, substantive complaint about something he really cares about?

I vent about all sorts of shit to other people, precisely because I don't think it's a big enough issue to have a serious Discussion with DH over -- it's a minor, passing annoyance that after 20+ years isn't worth making hay over.  I mean, I'm not going to come home and have a serious sit-down with him over stacking the damn tupperware; I've asked him several times, he just won't bother for one reason or another, and it's not worth blowing it into a huge deal.  But that doesn't mean I don't get aggravated by it once in a while and joke with my mom or a friend about my brilliant engineer who can't keep squares and circles straight.

OTOH, if I thought something was a real problem, I would never, ever spread it around the office before I had worked it through with DH. 

IOW, I think you may be looking at this the wrong way:  maybe the fact that he mentioned something at the office means that he does not think this is a "real" issue that is even worth bringing up with you.  I mean, you can be 99% happy that you're on a better financial track while still having the occasional twinge when you can't do something you used to take for granted.  Doesn't mean you're angry with the person who helped put you on that track, or that you want to change anything. 

ketchup

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #17 on: September 20, 2017, 12:14:00 PM »
How did you know he was "bitching"? Maybe he was just making small talk and mentioned something in a joking way and this woman is trying to stir up drama (150% sure she's the type to gossip and make drama and just a piece of work).
This seems to me like the most likely scenario here.  Talk to him about it more.

My GF and I will "trash talk" each other about silly things, or in a joking way.  Things like "Oh, I'd love to put a full-size Triceratops skeleton replica in our front yard, but Girlfriend would never go for that."

Firehazard

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #18 on: September 20, 2017, 12:27:34 PM »
This made me LOL:

1.  Totally unprofessional.  Can you figure out a way to file a complaint with management?  The company could have liability if its employee is broadcasting private records around.  Or maybe that's your response the next time she starts into it -- "Wow, X, I never realized Company Y's HR policies allowed people to talk about employee records outside the office -- I'd totally get fired for that.  Can you forward me the policy?  My management is a huge PITA about employee privacy, and I'd love to be able to convince them that they're being overprotective."

I am going to memorize this....100% certain I'll get the chance to use it.  Hope I can do it while looking sincere and without cracking up before I get it all out.

Thanks again for all the replies.
 

plainjane

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #19 on: September 20, 2017, 12:48:49 PM »
My SO occasionally mentions things they told coworkers that I'm not thrilled with.  E.g. said "we've been lucky" when asked about how we're on track to 5 years of RE instead of saying something about staying invested, or managing our costs.  So they now think that I picked some great stocks, or make a ton of money.

My SO always brings lunch to work, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't have a car, doesn't have a mobile device (unless a walkman that still gets AM radio counts), spends very little on clothes, and we have lived in the same place for 10 years.  All things that could have been pointed at.  But instead, this person who has been told our ETA is given crap advice about how to do it themselves.

Don't be irritated with your SO, just remind them that they have crappy coworkers who will gossip and blow things out of proportion.  I am stressed that my SO's coworker knows our ETA, but I have one trusted coworker who knows our ETA too, the difference is that I trust her, and I don't trust the other person. But my SO is in the same boat for that.

lexde

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #20 on: September 20, 2017, 02:56:20 PM »
I'd talk to him about it, at least. I wouldn't just keep quiet on it. You need a united front.

That said, are you sure he's been talking maliciously? Or is it more of just like, "sorry I can't go out to lunch today, Firehazard and I are watching our finances" or something like that?

HR people are, in my experience, the worst sh*t-stirrers in the office. They know the drama and perpetuate it.

Sounds like this HR lady is overcompensating. Maybe she likes him, or maybe she feels threatened by you in general, or maybe just being financially smart makes her aware of her face punch-worthiness.

She's probably just stirring things up and perpetuating drama though. Don't let her get under your skin. BF may not have denied anything because there was nothing to deny on his end and she's just trying to get to you so she has something else to talk about!

Raenia

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #21 on: September 20, 2017, 02:57:45 PM »
I think everyone's covered that the best thing to do is talk to him and see what happened, from his point of view.  Just as an example of context, though, my ex used to 'blame' me for frugality and not going to expensive group events with coworkers, just because it was easier than saying he didn't want to go or explaining he was on a budget, etc.  In my case, he asked me first for permission to use me as cover in these situations, and I was fine with it since I wasn't likely to meet most of his coworkers.  So it's possible he was doing something like that, and just didn't occur to him to ask you first if it was ok.

frugaldrummer

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #22 on: September 20, 2017, 05:16:34 PM »
I agree with most here that it's possible the conversation did not go down the way she was implying it did. BUT - on the other hand, as a cautionary tale, I'll tell you about my sister.

She was married and had a small child with a man who outwardly looked like a great husband. He shared in her interests (even quilting!), they did things together, he'd kiss her sweetly goodbye at the door every morning on his way to work - then, unbeknownst to her, bitch about her to his coworker on the drive to work!  The coworker later told her how uncomfortable it made him, to see him act so lovingly toward her then turn completely once she was out of sight.

When my sister went out of town to tend to his dying mother for her last couple of months (an evil mother-in-law btw who always treated my sister like shit, but my sis is a saint) he started an affair with another woman.  They ended up divorced and my ex-brother-in-law's behavior in the 20 years since then has confirmed that he is a sociopath.

So - not meaning to scare you, there's probably a plausible explanation - BUT - if your gut is telling you something else, don't ignore it.

AccidentalMiser

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #23 on: September 20, 2017, 08:36:52 PM »
This made me LOL:

1.  Totally unprofessional.  Can you figure out a way to file a complaint with management?  The company could have liability if its employee is broadcasting private records around.  Or maybe that's your response the next time she starts into it -- "Wow, X, I never realized Company Y's HR policies allowed people to talk about employee records outside the office -- I'd totally get fired for that.  Can you forward me the policy?  My management is a huge PITA about employee privacy, and I'd love to be able to convince them that they're being overprotective."

I am going to memorize this....100% certain I'll get the chance to use it.  Hope I can do it while looking sincere and without cracking up before I get it all out.

Thanks again for all the replies.
 

If someone in my HR department was divulging information about me or my wife in an inappropriate manner, I'd consult my attorney.  It's amazing what a simple letter from a lawyer's office to the head of HR or the CEO can produce sometimes.  Especially if it's a chronic problem like you described.

Goldielocks

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #24 on: September 20, 2017, 10:47:17 PM »
Quote
She said, loudly enough to make sure I could hear it, that she was shocked to find out that I 'allowed' my boyfriend to have a recurring charitable donation withheld from his paycheck. She works in HR at their company and was rooting around in his personnel file for whatever reason and saw the authorization form for the payroll deduction.

ZWA?! I know this is off topic of your actual question, but can I just point out how wildly inappropriate it was for HR lady to divulge this information to you and the other people that overheard this conversation. HR should never be talking openly about the pay or deductions of staff, other than with the employee himself or designated officers of the organization. This is possibly a breach of confidentiality that constitutes a fireable offense (for her).
+1... I was thinking this, too. and the next step is for BF, (or you if you feel strongly and he refuses), to write a short letter with concerns about confidentiality to this woman's direct supervisor.  That is the real issue.

As for BF... just ask him about it, could just be a casual comment, and he wasn't dishing you at all... or his take on humour is in need of correction, but he never intended to put you down.

ooeei

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #25 on: September 21, 2017, 08:09:14 AM »
Well I had a recent similar problem come up with my girlfriend. We were out with my buddy and his girlfriend, and his girlfriend told mine "I heard ooeei has to ask permission from you before playing games, is that true?" She was kind of pissed and asked me about it right there.

I cleared it up with her pretty quickly. What happens is I usually ask her if she minds me playing in case there's something else we need to be doing. Occasionally I won't play because I know there's something she wants to do, so I'll tell my buddy that. He took that to mean I have to raise my hand like a kindergartener and ask permission before playing any video games, which is not at all the case, or what I said. In these situations you're playing the telephone game, and it's easy to get things all twisted up.

My recommendation is talk to your SO and see what he actually meant, and if he actually feels like you are not "allowing" him to do things. It might be he just thinks it's kind of funny or easier to say "Can't do that, the wife won't let me eat out twice this week!" rather than explaining his financial views when people try and push him to go out to eat with them over lunch. Some people will argue with you all day to try and convince you to do things, but if you put the decision on someone else they can't argue anymore. My girlfriend and I use each other as excuses all the time, although we established long ago that we're both okay with it. I had a friend try to convince me to buy one of the new Xbox's a couple weeks ago. I said "nah SO would kill me if I bought another Xbox." What I really meant was "I don't want to buy one and don't feel like arguing about it, although it's true she wouldn't be psyched about the purchase she wouldn't break up with me for it."

What his HR person thinks of you is not what matters. What he thinks of you is what matters. You need to have an honest discussion with him on whether he's happy with the current setup or not. If he is, you need to decide to what extent you're okay with him using you as a scapegoat around his work friends, and let him know where your line is.
« Last Edit: September 21, 2017, 08:11:53 AM by ooeei »

Case

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #26 on: September 21, 2017, 09:31:13 AM »
I know lots of men and women who trash talk their spouse/significant other to their friends behind their back.  I've always found it very distasteful and disrespectful.  I recently found out that my BF of 18 years has been doing this via a snotty comment made by one of his coworkers at dinner the other night.  She said, loudly enough to make sure I could hear it, that she was shocked to find out that I 'allowed' my boyfriend to have a recurring charitable donation withheld from his paycheck.  She works in HR at their company and was rooting around in his personnel file for whatever reason and saw the authorization form for the payroll deduction.  Anyway, he's apparently been bitching to this woman at work about my money-saving strategies and also that I encouraged him to track his personal spending.  I suppose this was her sweet way of calling me cheap and accusing me of depriving my boyfriend.

BF is no Mustachian, but he's very much on board the Retire Early train...talks about it every single day, and has a decent net worth for his age.  But he had no real idea what he was actually spending outside of our shared living expenses which I track, and was too lazy to take the initiative, so I offered to go through everything with him, make the spreadsheet and fill it in YTD, so he could be informed.  He took me up on it, and we pulled it all together a couple of weeks ago.  At the time, he seemed to very much appreciate my help.  I did make a joke about how much he spends at Starbucks, but other than that didn't judge his spending.  I don't care how much he spends of his own money, I just wanted to make sure he didn't go quitting a lucrative position only to find out the hard way that he didn't have enough saved to support his lifestyle.

Am I overreacting to be deeply offended that he's talking shit about me behind my back?  I let him know last evening that I was aware of it, and he didn't deny it.  I would never do this to him, and I really never expected it from him.  I'm so sad right now.

Yes, you are right to be concerned, but you should go talk to your BF about it first.  Perhaps he made an innocent comment and the coworker extrapolated. 

If it turns out he is complaining about you, it is a relationship problem you should get to the root of.  And if he is actually trash talking you, then it is a major relationship issue.

undercover

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Re: This doesn't seem okay to me...
« Reply #27 on: September 21, 2017, 11:25:40 AM »
Well, for one thing, this is an anonymous forum.  None of you know him or me, and he isn't subjected to repeated social interactions with you.

And if he has a complaint about me, I'd like to hear it from him firsthand.

EXACTLY. Which begs the question of why you don't go to the person you've known for 18 years first instead an anonymous online forum?