The Talk: It didn't go well

[tweedscholar]

The Handsome Boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together after dating for over a year. I already spend just about every day off at his house. We have a dog, we have talked about children, I'm part of family functions (my family is 250 miles away), blahblahblah...

He's not-very-Mustachian. Not perfectly Anti-Mustachian, but Not-Very-Mustachian.

His spending habits have always been a bit...luxurious by my standards. He grew up with much greater financial securiity, has no debts, actually has a nice stock portfolio that were set up when he was born. He's never had to worry about money. Me, not so much. Grew up poverty-line, student loan debt, unemployment, crappy job...

I feel like a dragon every time we talk about money. The other night I set it out that I could not live with him at his current level of spending, I could not afford the lifestyle he wants. I don't like the idea of money getting between us. I feel like a shrew. We both want children, we both want a safe home of our own...but he doesn't see frugality as the way to get there (and the way for me to get out of my crappy job). He'd rather sell his stocks (read: financial security blanket) than save up for a down payment.

HEEEEEEELLLP! My mustachianism vs his spendyness is ruining what I thought would be our life together.

[napalminator]

what's each of your debt load like?

[frugalman]

The Talk may have gone better than you think. At least your eyes have been opened to what could be a major incompatibility.

[Parizade]

If you are making reasonable requests and he is basically saying "I don't care what's important to you" that's not a good sign in my opinion.

What do his parents think of his spending? If you can get them in your corner they might talk some sense into him.

[Nancy]

Introduce him to MMM  and show him how badass this way of life can be. Tell him how important being FI is to you and what you want out of life. In the end, you can't control him and how he spends his money. You may not want to move in together until you are sure that your lifestyles are compatible (beyond the generic wanting kids/home ownership). 

[nolajo]

If you are making reasonable requests and he is basically saying "I don't care what's important to you" that's not a good sign in my opinion.

What do his parents think of his spending? If you can get them in your corner they might talk some sense into him.

Those "reasonable requests" though, are totally in the eye of the beholder. Tweedscholar, what kind of requests in terms of lifestyle changes are you making? You say you feel like a dragon, which itself seems kind of problematic - antagonizing H-BF is probably not going to convert him, nor would going behind his back to his parents. This must have come up occasionally when you were in the more casual stage of dating. How did you handle the smaller things, like planning dates or picking up the check? Also, unless the problem is working altogether, don't lay your crappy job at his feet - you almost undoubtedly have options independent of him/combining your resources.

I'm basically on the side of the mustache and hope you can bring him over, but I wouldn't write him off if it doesn't happen tout de suite. First I would at least consider your approach and possibly revising it. A gradual approach may be necessary.

[Rich M]

Isn't this what books are written about?

Here is what you should do....

....wait....and probe this more.  Test this out.

If money problems are a prick before you marry, they will be a major wound after you do so.

Or get a prenup and make sure you don't lose anything.

But if he is well off already. what do you have to lose?

[catalana]

And ....... BREATHE.

You are not at the end of the road here, and there are lots of things to explore before declaring incompatibility.  First off, read MMM's articles on bringing your other half around.  I asked a similar question a while ago and velocistar237 pointed me towards a briliant article which I found really useful too.  It is here: http://www.bravenewlife.com/02/how-to-get-your-significant-to-embrace-a-brave-new-life/

I have tried a couple of the tactics and they really do work ..... my fiance responds particularly well to me getting excited about what I am doing myself to be FI.  For instance, I hype up the excitement when I receive dividend payments on my stock, or interest on my savings.  If I suggest HE does something, not such a good reaction, but when I just get excited about my own stuff, he has been known to mutter something about he should be better with money  ;-)

This also fits into my current favourite saying "Be the change you want to see in the world".  YOU will have to come up with alternatives to spending that your H-BF enjoys, like going out for walks / to free events / cooking at home instead of eating out.  If he grumbles and doesn't enjoy doing stuff that doesn't cost money is when I reckon you would need to start thinking about incompatibility.

As you say he is spendy, what does he spend his money on?  We might be able to come up with alternative suggestions.

[Osprey]

I am in a similar position of trying to bring my partner around. Please don't panic! It will take time and a lot more The Talks. Like catalana I have been making changes in my own life and trying really hard to stay out of what he does with his. We have identical jobs so I'm on equal footing with him but I understand that you may not be in the same position.

We all need some kind of support group I think! I wish you the bet of luck :)

[gooki]

Don't talk do.

Start investing in stocks yourself. Start living at the level you hope he will match. And let time do it's job.

[chschen]

I agree with others who think that this is just the first talk (or one of the first talks) of many. My significant other and I disagree on some finer points of Mustachianism, too, though we are both essentially frugal. Good luck!

[ErikZ]

So, you're saying you're still single then?

[Baboo]

Just make sure you don't make that final leap until you're sure there is potential to be on the same page long term.  I've been married 10 years to someone completely opposite, financially speaking, and it's a choice I'd caution anyone else to make.  Keep the discussions going!